Citation Needed - Popes Gone Wild

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

Sometimes Popes suck. Pretty much all the time, actually. But some Popes suck more, and that's what we're talking about this week. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

I'm just saying, if I'd written a book, I would at least mention you guys for sure. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, man. Sorry? Maybe you could say sorry or you could be like, hey, let's work on a book together next time. Like next time we're doing it, we'll go with you because that would be awesome, right? This isn't hard.

See, so there's a lot of things you could say. They'll make a nice Earth could be right to you. You know what I'm fishing for now? I don't know what a bartending book. Okay. And furthermore, not knowing what you want when you get to the front of the line is an unholy abomination. Got it.

Got it. Okay. Love it. I forgot I was Monday. Okay. I'll do it. I guess Eli, why are you dressed like Elton John? Is that what?

Elton John. Yeah. I couldn't place it. Elton John, I, Elton John, wishes he looked this good. Thank you, Cardinal Noah. You can commit one murder. It's happening. Nice. Uh, no, no, I'm the pope after reading Tom's essay this week.

I realized you don't need to know things or be Catholic to be the pope. You just need to, you know, take it with confidence like like all the pennies in that tray at the gas station. Seriously, guys, I expected this kind of thing for me. Like a Tom Noah. I expected better for me. Well, maybe from me and Noah, but he promised to execute TikTok and I need that. And he has fucked or covered up the fucking of exactly zero kids. You know what? That's a fair point. I am in yeah, that's solid me too Can I kill someone? Depends how do you like my outfit?

it's Fine I guess fine But fine you could kill an Irish person. Brutal way nice.. Hey, Heath, let's take a walk. Heath, let's take a walk. I'm already gone. I'm already gone. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. The podcast where we choose to subject to read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now.

I know I'm going to be presiding over this episode but I can't handle all this people bull on my own so I brought along some friends. First up, two men who cannot be trusted with a pastoral staff anymore, Cecil and he pastoral staff makes it sound way more impressive than it actually is. Shabley has shepherds crook at least. You know, the thing is, you don't get the pastoral staff infection. I think that's the opposite. And also joining us tonight, two guys who went to a safety college of Cardinals Tom and Eli. All right.

Look, any college I'm at immediately becomes your second choice. I get that. Class, remind me, automatically become safe. Before we get going, I think it's important to remind the listeners that we couldn't be here without their tithes. Plus, we still do indulgences and everything. We have an adept. T of an indulgence.

Whatever the fuck you want. So to learn more, be sure to stick around to the end of the show and with that out of the way, tell us Eli, what person plays things concept phenomenon or event we'll be talking about today. We'll be talking about Pope Skon Wild. Pope boob. Okay, so Tom, I don't know if like read the article is probably not appropriate at this point, but you probably read something or something. Are you ready to tell us about it?

Indubitably and fallibly. Yes. It's all right. So why are we talking about Pope? So this episode is being released right before the start of Holy Week, which is the week after Palm Sunday. And it's pretty much the big theological tailgating party leading up to Easter. If you're a devout Christian, Easter is more important than Christmas, which seems insane

since there are so many less presidents. And you don't even get a day off of work for it. Well, most people do. It's a Sunday, Tom. You already got that one. It's not special. That's not special. Now, nonetheless, I thought it would be a good idea to explore a topic of terrific religious

interest. So we get all laugh and feel superior. Right. And there is nothing more superior if you are Catholic than the Pope. The Pope is supposed to be the direct religious descendant of the lead singer of the Apostles. It's a Apostle Peter, though not an actual descendant. The Pope is the descendant of Peter in the same way that I am a descendant of Christopher Hitchapes in that he is now dead. I am alive. And we generally agree on one topic.

On the one there. And only one topic. Tom knows plenty of women who are funny and thinks the Iraq war was a bad idea. So don't, don't ask. Really just the one topic. But probably like a lot of the same skies. That's really good that he died. Now, anyway, the pope is basically the leader of all the bishops, the head of the Catholic church.

And when he is acting in his role as Pope, can not make mistakes and is thus infallible. I want you to remember this as we learn more. Yeah. And before you send your emails, yes, we're aware that the doctrine of people and fallibility is more complicated than that. But like, we're talking about the nuances of when some old guy is and isn't uttering the divine dictates of the ancient one. So it also isn't. Right. That's right. If you say that right.

Now, before we get two stories of actual popes, I want to tell you a story about the Pope that never was Pope Joan. Since the Catholic church is a centuries old boys club designed to among many other things, enforce and enshrine male dominance into European culture. Women are not allowed to hold religious office in the Catholic church. They cannot be priests or bishops and they sure as shit can't be the grand Puba tall hat wearing supremely infallible leader of the whole lot of them. Basically, you can't swing dick in the Catholic church unless you're swinging a dick in

the Catholic church unless you're swinging a dick in the Catholic church. So the idea, the scandal that a woman would somehow finagle her way up the chain of command to lead the church is both unthinkable and delightfully salacious. Also it will turn out to be a monstrous story because of course it is. Well, if there's a swing in dick in the Catholic church, it's going to be a monster story. Sure. Yeah. Go well. So the legend began sometime in the 13th century and first appeared in a Dominican Chronicle around 1250. The story goes that way back, around 855 to 858 AD between Pope's Leo IV and Benedict III, but all right, well, hold on, because

maybe the story actually took place around 1099 to 1100. Interesting. Or it could be that this happened from a 1086 to 1108. Right. Yeah. Plus they invented 297 years that never really happened. So it's really exactly like, here it is. All right. So it's confusing to pin this down exactly since it never happened. And there were it turns out something called anti-popes during this time period, which is basically when someone who is not the pope declares that they are in fact the pope. And then some people follow that guy instead of the other one. And for a whole while the system to pick the

pope was in some serious chaos, the whole thing's a mess and it makes no sense. Yeah, as opposed to the perfectly reasonable colored smoke based system that we rely on now. That's how they do it for real. The anti-pop was a really short black hat and he lets the kids touch him. And he gives away bars of Nazi gold. He's a Nazi hunter. So it's like, I don't know what to think about you. Antipopes good. And if he touches the real Pope, then they cancel out. And there's a post lotionplosion. Yeah. Pontifax explosion. Didn't happen sometime between 855 AD and 1100 AD.

And there are two stories here at the beginning, but these sort of explosions, excellent. It took me a long time. So this leaves us with a legendary lady pope, which didn't happen sometime between 855 AD and 1100 AD. Well, it didn't happen all the other years too, but it's true. That's the. Okay. Those are the specific years that you're somehow just everybody. Check out the Phantom Time hypothesis stories here at the beginning and they sort of converge.

So Pope Joan was either an English woman called Joan who went to Athens with her lover and studied religious stuff, or Pope Joan was a German woman called Gilberta. In any case, Joan or Gilberta disguised herself as a monk for reasons unclear to anyone and then called herself Joan's Anglicus. She was evidently crushing it as a monk, and her groucho marks nose and glasses disgu's was very convincing. She was able to rise through the ranks of the power structure of the incredibly cut throat and politically dominant Catholic church to become the pope. Wala lady pope. Joan.

I don't know what it is, brother, but he, but other John, he just pulls off his sackcloth so much better than the reason. But being lady Pope isn't all fun in silly hats because the story goes that Pope Joan found herself in the family way. And while processing about in an Easter procession, she fell off her horse and wouldn't you know it. She just gave birth to a child right there in the street in front of everyone like you do. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah. And according to the legend, once the crowd saw her give birth, they astutely saw through her clever ruse and they stoned her to death in the street. And I cannot help but picture a woman, laboring for hours or at the very least several dozen minutes, just panting in the street while a bored crowd waits for her to be done, just like casually tossing a rock up and down in their palms while they do.

Okay, you know, there's one guy through a rock way too soon and got yelled at. And he's like, come on, seriously, you're not going to, and he's like, really, we're doing an ethical stone. That was saying, I was unethical in my stoning. That's what you guys are saying. Okay, I'm the asshole. You know what they say about people that fall off a horse and give birth, they couldn't be saddled with a kid.

She's a sad kid. She's a sad kid. I honestly just, I don't see how a bunch of pedophiles don't see this as like a man up from heaven kind of moment. Right. So this absurd absolutely never happened to legend actually spawned another even dumber legend. See, there exists two ancient stone chairs and they have holes in the seats and idiots

who believe in this series of both unfortunate and they have holes in the seats and idiots who believe in this series of both unfortunate and impossible events believe that the purpose of these chairs was that so someone could feel up whoever was supposed to be declared the new pope to make sure they didn't end up with an any when they were really looking to elect an Audi. Why would that be sitting? I like the idea. I have no idea. I've just flashed me I just flash me, just flash

me your shit. I also, I love the idea that some ancient guys stone hemorrhoid lazy boys spawned this ridiculous corromary. Okay. Texas just installed those in all the women's bathrooms. You could just have the new Pope piss out his gray smoke fire after he's elected. That really does sort of shift away from the pro-growing church. Yeah, I get it. I get it. We saw all our problems. You can't rope your way out of it.

Okay, first of all, those two chairs were obviously toilets, right? A chair with a hole in it. It's a fucking toilet, But why were there two? There's a nurse. What was there? And then they sit down on the couch. Gotcha. Now, honestly, though, even though the fictional Pope Joan was stoned to death by a crowd of zealots in front of her newborn baby as an object less than a misogyny. It is actually a far more family-friendly story than the

next batch of actually real popes. Take for instance, Pope Alexander the sixth, born Rodrigo Borgia, who is widely cited as the most corrupt pope in history. Like most men in positions of terrific power, Pope Alexander didn't climb the ladder, one bootstrap at a time. Instead, the path to infallibility was greased by Rodrigo's uncle, Alfonso Borgia, who would become Pope, Calixas III in 1455. Now, once he was in the big chair, Elfanzo appointed many of his family to high level positions within the Catholic Church, including naming Rodrigo Borja a cardinal at the age of 25.

Okay, you know what? I'm starting to think the guy in the little white riding hood out fit in the secret golden city full of secret Bible books that you're not allowed to see it's a pin and full of Nazi gold. I'm thinking maybe he's not the trustworthy, infallible conduit of the God of the universe. Like I was like, I'm thinking that and I'm going to stop going to church. So at this time, it was commonplace for high ranking church officials, such as Cardinals and Popes to have mistresses. But Rodrigo took the shit up a notch and that not only did he not attempt to hide his dalliances, he dallyed with women who were in fact already wives of nobleman.

He had at least seven children by two mistresses, though the total number of children he sired and didn't openly brag about is almost certainly much higher. And once Rodrigo was elevated from Cardinal to Pope and took up the moniker of Pope Alexander the sixth, Rodrigo's nepotism and sexual escapades only got, shall we say more biblical. Oh, I started cutting them into pieces and mailing them around town. That's not cool. It's not cool. Daughters drugged them and we said, why do I say I could go?

So pretty much immediately Pope Alexander VI began appointing just about everyone in his family to some level of authority within the church, including 10 of his family as cardinals, including his 18-year-old illegitimate son and the younger brother of one of his mistresses who himself would later go on to become a pope. He then granted everyone he was connected to, papal fiefdoms, essentially making these family members not just cardinals, but now landed lords. And he raised money just straight up selling off other church offices to the highest bidder.

And I was going to actually make a Trump comparison, but then this guy like seemed to care about all of his kids. So it didn't work anymore. Yeah. And Pope Alexander the sixth, he wasn't just in it for the money. He was living the Pope life like he was on a frighteningly well-funded 15th century version of Jersey Shore. In 1500, he declared the entire year, a year of celebration, the Holy Year of Jubilee, for no other reason than just he wanted a party. Gapier for everybody. And then the next year at his papal residence in 1501, Pope Alexander

threw a party called the banquet of chestnuts, which was less of a banquet and more of an orgy involving 50 prostitutes and his son among many of his other companions. Reportedly, the origin involves some level of competition amongst the men. Here's a quote. After dinner, the candelabra with the burning candles were taken from the tables and placed on the floor at chestnuts were strewn around. Interesting. Then the naked courtesans would pick up the chestnuts creeping on hands and knees between the candle labras while the Pope says are and his sister Lucretia looked on.

His sister? His sister? Prizes were announced for those who could perform the act most often with the courtesans. That's, I'm, yeah, man. Less interested now. Nothing more sexy than a game of naked. I lost my contact on the rock. Oh, to the fair, though, it doesn't specify how they were picking up the chestnuts, though, C-Souls.

You have a point. You have a point. That's a cool game now. Now that's a cool game. It's like bombing for apples with a whole new gun. It's like bombing for apples and like fuck Twister all at the same time. I like it. Now, if you maybe thought that a papily arranged orgy with your own son and sister in attendance

was perhaps something only Heath would be into, allow me to regale you with another contemporary account. We're just going to go right past you with another contemporary account of the papal shenanigans of Pope Alexander the sixth. Here's a quote. There is no longer any crime or shameful act that does not take place in public, in Rome and in the home of the Pontiff. Who could fail to be horrified by the terrible monstrous acts of lethary that are committed openly in his home with no respect to God or man? Rape's and acts of incest are countless and great throngs of courtesans, frequent St. Peter's palace, pips, brothels, and whorehouses are to be found everywhere."

And quote, all right. So it looks like we're going to pause here on the Vatican's ethical high point. Uh, for a little, but now it's not openly. So it's much better. No, no, it's easy to do. It exists. Exactly. Exactly. They do get worse from here. Yeah. Not openly, so it's much better. No, Nazis didn't exist yet. Right, exactly.

They do get worse from here. So we'll pause there for a little apropos of nothing. All right. At long last, I am finally the Pope indeed, your Holiness. Yeah, which means, which means, yeah, cool. So I can really now that I'm Pope, let the sexual perversion like off the chain, I'm going to go nuts with this. We are yours to come back. You are mine to come back. So, um, okay, first, uh, everybody you get, Niggit?

Yes, sir, obviously, right? Right away. Oh, yeah. As you'll come out. I could see your boobies and stuff. Nice. Is, um, is this all your holiness or? What?

No, no. We're doing like a big, a debauchery thing that I've always dreamed of. Uh, it's going to be super debauched. So yeah, okay. No, here comes, I've got the rest of the idea. It's just say the word or only thing I'm trying to think of my next thing. Okay. Okay. I know, I already, I already thought of this. I just remembered what I thought of earlier. This is going to be awesome. I would like to put the candles to floor level, right? You want us to put the candles on the floor level? Floor level, yes.

That would be fire hazard, right? And I wasn't done, I wasn't done, nobody reacted to it. Okay, well, we're gonna also throw some nuts. It's quite, right, this is called the chest nuts. So, thematic, we're gonna throw the chest nuts on the floor. Also, floor level chest nuts, in addition to the candles, you guys heard the candles, right? So it's like a fire.

It's like a fire, nuts are on the floor, and then the nuts are there, people eat them. It's like a fire. It's not on the floor and then the nuts in there people eat them. But okay, but like sexy eating like goat. Sir, did you say goat tiger lion set like a sexy animal? Whichever you would find chest not eating lion. So do you find that sexy? Whoever just piped up. That guy?

You find a sexy lion? Is that... Okay, I feel like you guys don't respond to my thing. So we're also, we fuck, of course, right? Like multiple times, all of us. Your holiness, is it possible that now the time has come? You don't actually have a plan for absolute sexual power. I have a, I told you, I'd already formulated this. So I want the candles and the nuts and the

fucking, which I had said just before you made that comment. So all those things can be super debauched like fucking debauched city. We're going to go nuts. It's an awesome idea. Nuts is a pun also on top of what I said. I guess I'll get started, I guess. Thank you. I'll take the candles down. Super debauched. Fucking debauch city. Um, um, um, debauches stand. Um, um, um, um, um, um not origin thing, I need to rethink my proposals for our team building.

So I do that. I was about some more shitty popes. Tom think I will. So the Pope Alexander, the six was the most corrupt. That might actually be only because his reign was more contemporary than Pope John the 12th. He was Pope from 955 to 964 AD. The Catholic encyclopedia calls him, quote, a course immoral man whose life was such that the famous Lateran, which I looked up in as a Roman Catholic palace, was spoken of as a brothel and the moral corruption in Rome became the subject of general odium end quote. And again, this is a quote from the Catholic encyclopedia. It's not generally known for being critical of that church.

Exactly. Tom, I'm confused. Does the Catholic encyclopedia think that guy was imbued with divine knowledge as well? Or does he just skip a guy? What's the Catholic encyclopedia story? I don't find a story. What's the Catholic encyclopedia story? I know my story. So Pope John the 12th was accused of perjury of selling off of church offices, lands,

appointments and privileges. He was, in fact, for a short time, briefly deposed as Pope. And Pope John the 12th was down for a minute, but not at all out. Instead, after being deposed, he initiated a bloody purge of his enemies within the church and was reinstated after the bloody purge as the moral and spiritual leadership of the Catholic church. Jesus Christ. Pope John the 12th was eventually rendered not the Pope anymore when he was killed in bed by an irate husband while the pope was fucking that guy's wife.

What of his eights just stand there watching, waiting to light that white smoke or whatever. Dude, just stand me again. I got to do it. Take 15. I just love it a full thousand years ago. This guy proved you could kill your way to Supreme moral authority in their system and they capped it. Right?

So if, you know, bloody purges are your thing and how could they not be? Look no further than to Pope Urban the sixth. Remember earlier when I mentioned that for a while there were popes and anti-popes. Well, in 1378, there was a big break in the church, which really exacerbated the clash of popes problem, and Pope Urban VI just wasn't having any of it. This story is actually very fascinating in its own right. It deserves its own episode. But the short version of the story is that there was a significant faction of political, religious figures who opposed Urban as Pope and sought to depose and arrest

him. Urban discovered the plot against them and he had the six cardinals who were plotting to overthrow urban arrested. Well, yeah, and his defense, we wouldn't discover Polonium until 1898. So, I saw what you did. So to obtain confessions about the alleged coup, Urban had the Cardinals brutally tortured, and he was not squeamish about this. In fact, he not only attended the torture of his would-be-use serpurs, but he complained to the torturer when he felt the condemned were not screaming loudly enough under duress.

Urban suspected that the king and queen of Naples were in on the plot, and while he couldn't arrest and torture them, he did excommunicate them, which was its own scandal. And it caused the king to then lay siege to know Sarah where urban lived. The pope then responded by climbing to, I love this, climbing to the ramparts several times a day and anathematizing his enemies below. Anathematizing is like being excommunicated but on steroids. Oh, okay. I'm glad you clarified because I was pretty sure he was just yelling out their body parts from the radio. That could be intimidating. I wouldn't know what to do. So if you're anathematized, not only are you kicked out of the church, but you are being

formally separated from the body of Christ itself. And if he was doing like magic, yeah, he did like dull magic, just yelling magic, but magically, yeah, they are surrounding his shit with like swords and siege weapons and he's yelling magic spells out. Yes. with like swords and siege weapons and he's yelling magic spells out. But you know, the thing is that if you're a believer and pretty much that's everyone at this point in Italy, this is a proclamation from the head of the church that you are absolutely certainly going to hell and there is nothing you

can do about it. Well, except try to kill the Pope, which was already their plan. Yeah, right. Hey, hey, you're holy. Just like I get what you're doing here, but it's honestly is we're going to some more of a psychopath for everybody else. If you don't kill me, you go to hell forever. You see you hear it? What's going to happen? So ultimately, Pope urban would escape the city and the siege then just peed it out for

lack of a queen in the hive. Pope Urban would live out his career as Pope without showing much of a shred of decency or even accidental competence. And he is mostly remembered a thousand years after his death for being just like a monumentally fall tempered asshole. It's good to know that I can get you in the history books at least. After he fled the city, I'd to change his name to Pope rural. It became something of a rural king.

So then there was Pope Benedict IX, who was described in one text as, quote, a demon from hell in the disguise of a priest. End quote. Wow, just stealing from Noah's diatripes. Now that's cool. Whatever. Pope Victor the third road of Benedict that he led quote, a life as Pope so vile, so foul, so executable that I shudder to think of it end quote. Again, an entire citation needed could easily be written about this guy, but I will give you the low lights. First off, Benedict became Pope at the age of 12. 12 when his father, an influential count basically bought him the most powerful job on earth. But being Pope at 12 in 1032 isn't actually

a great gig. Since again, there were just anti-Popes around every swing set trying to kill and depose you. Yeah. Making him the second most endangered child in the Catholic church right after all the other children. Yeah. Pride for second.

So Benedict bailed on the Pope job a few years after his appointment to avoid being murdered, which is kind of hard to argue with. And that actually happened twice with Benedict being made Pope, then being forced to quit and hide to avoid being murdered. And his family militia eventually was strong enough that Benedict was like repopped in 1036, but then resigned again in 1044, but not before gaining notoriety for his lavish orgies at the palace, involving not just the usual chestnuts and prostitutes, but also men and animals as well.

Just like guys like fuck. Okay. I knew I was leaving something. I've been, I'm just doing it. All right. I'm gonna bring someone's been, obviously, I'm sorry. All right. I'm going to brainstorm. He's been a guy from now on. Animals.

Then again, in lion, sexy lion. So then again, in 1045, sexy lion guy. No, he said, okay. So then again, in 1045, he was Pope for two whole months, but Benedict's terrible behavior, even for a Pope made holding the position untenable. I feel like you can see that coming at this point, right? If he pulls out, for this time, rather than resign, Benedict realized he had something that was fucking gold and he wasn't giving it away for free.

Little annoyed joke. Hey, girl. Oh, well done. Well done. But the guy who just said that about the Senate seat, the Obama game out, that's awesome. So Benedict sold the papacy itself, not papal lands, but the actual papacy. So that to Gregory the sixth. And then Benedict was going to use the money to put together like a little nestay for himself enough finances wedding. But the whole scheme fell apart when Benedict couldn't actually secure a bride that wanted to marry him. And

so Henry the third dismissed Gregory from being the pope. I don't really understand, but I guess there you have that. It feels a lot like UFC three were the main card guy got hurt and a ninja showed up and brought. I think UFC is great because it's like if the first three super balls had been a pirate ship versus a bunch of samurai and now nobody talks about it. Yes. Exactly. Exactly.

And it was somehow Benedict became Pope yet again in 1047, but he was only infallible. But he was only infallible this time a bit less than a year before Charles III convened a bunch of Cardinals. They fired Benedict from being Pope, probably believing in the bizarre fact of his own history, Benedict never stopped trying to regain his job as Pope. And honestly, at this point, I'm kind of surprised he didn't get it back at least one more time for old times. He just texted the Catholic church on Thanksgiving and Breakeling, a high school girlfriend. He's like, hey, you know, I'm telling for a couple of days, I'd love to hang out.

Wiggy face. We were excited when somebody was infallible and the condo of God has to have a meeting with HR. They're just like, what would this be about? And we would be remiss if we didn't end this tale of bad popes without at least mentioning Pope Leo the 10. Now, while the other folks, they fucked other people's wives. You're a big Lee. Oh, yeah, no, no, did. So all the other popes fucked other people's wives, animals, prostitutes, and dudes. It could be well argued that no one fucked the church itself harder than Pope Leo the 10th.

As Pope from 1513 to 1521, Pope Leo spent so lavishly that he began to drain even the prodigious coffers of the Catholic church. And it was actually Pope Leo who had the bright idea then to sell indulgences. Indulgences are sort of like a prepaid sin calling card. The idea of indulgences predates Pope Leo, but it was Pope Leo, who monetized penitence and forgiveness, essentially making the committing of sins an easily forgiven matter of buying your way up to heaven. And it was this corrupt, morally bankrupt money grab that inspired Martin Luther, the father of the Protestant

revolution to start a theological schism that ultimately radically weak into the Catholic church, all because Pope Leo couldn't stick to his fucking budget. That is a worth a woo. And Christians never used money to buy religious piety. Finally, I do, I need to acknowledge this list. It is not at all exhaustive. There was also Pope Boniface, the eighth who again could and should have his own episode. There were of course the Pope who ate it in a bed of the Nazis and the popes. Pretty much all of them actually who enabled centuries of sexual abuse. So if you're like thinking out there, oh man, Tom skipped this pope or that pope. I'm sorry.

The thing is that Holy Week is only so long as is this show. And if we're going to have time to rub ashes on our heads like some weird dirt smear before celebrating the brutal torture and blood sacrifice of an itinerant preacher, so that he can forgive us for being human. Well, I guess we have to stop somewhere and it might as well be here. Also all the popes were mounted. All right, so if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? Infallible is actually pretty fucking fallible way more than you do.

Yeah, more than average fallible. Stop being Catholic. I'm an aunt is I've learned in one sense. All right. Are you ready for the quiz? I don't think I can get anywhere on. Right. Yes.

Which of the following is the best porn video about the Pope who had a bunch of people military crawling on their bellies naked through a maze of candelabras while they collected chestnuts during a dinner party. Hey, candelabra the behind be milking the prostrate. So good. So good. So, it's the last thing. Or see, okay, I tried to look up actual Pope themed porn.

I really did just recently looked this up. I couldn't find any because there's a mechanical rubber dick machine called the Pope church. The Pope porn. Every video for like 200 pages is just porn star name versus the Pope. And I'm also, I don't like any of the videos that I try. That is amazing. I don't like any of the videos that I try. I love it. I love it. And I'm a slightly disturbed by the versus portion of that.

It's like who versus a antagonistic, but it's very, yeah. So I'm going to go with C because that's that's almost certainly unsettlingly true. Yeah, that's correct. Does this absolutely correct? It is true. I did that. And all that's real. Top.

If you were made, Pope, what's the first thing you do? A, release millions of dollars in stolen property that the church confiscated during the Holocaust that they've admitted to. I would do that. B, disband the brother penance, a monastery in southern Italy where known convicted pedophiles live out the rest of their lives in luxury. Fuck. See, share the more than 64 lost books in the Bible that the papal library has confirmed

they have copies of or D. Chestnut orgy. Wait a minute, man. Can you repeat the question first thing I would do? First thing. All right, the chest and orgy would have to wait. You got to gather the chestnuts and the move the candle lovers. It's a lot of work.

Yeah, that's, you don't want to rush into a chestnut orgy. It's a incorrect. You would do chestnut orgy. Yeah, also you do want to rush into a chestnut orgy. Yeah, that's the best first. All right. Cools don't rush into a chest. All right. Cools don't rush into a chest not or D. I think you would like to let Terry crawl into it. But quickly, yeah, backwards.

Tom, what's the easiest way to secure an indulgence? A, have the pontiff on a string or a Pope on a rope. B, send him a secure payment through PayPal, PayPal, PayPal, PayPal, see, see, be related to him. He's your fat, a kin, D, his hand jobs or a phapestolic mission or make him a nice smelling smoothie, Pope,ary. Oh, Pope Peary. I feel like you wrote that whole joke just for Pope Peary. That's good. Hella tags there.

There you go. That's sure. Whatever you say. All right. Well, it looks like Eli was the winner because Tom was lying about the chestnut or cheese primacy in his list. He says the first thing. Obviously.

So Eli, you are the winner. We'll host next week's episode. I want Cecil to write an essay. Oh, sex abuse scandal of the Catholic church coming up guys. Ha ha ha ha. All right, well for Cecil Eli, heathen Tom, I'm Noah. Thank you for hanging out with us today. But we'll be back next week.

And by then Cecil will be an expert on something that's hopefully not that between now and then. You can hear more from Tom and Cecil because they wrote a fucking book, check out the grand unifying theory of bullshit wherever you get books or if it's not there, check somewhere else, right? And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pot or even five star review ever where you can. If you want to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, collect with us on social media or check the show notes, be us, check out past episodes, collect with us on social media, or check the channels.

Be sure to check out citationpod.com. Oh, wow. Alright, that was pretty fucking debatuous, right? Right? With all the fucking. We all need to do this now. What dark hedonism shall we do now, my lord? Uh, okay. Yeah, no, I had to, I have another part of the plan.

Now, we are going to... Ssk. NAP. But then order Chinese food. Ah! Okay, but then we'll fuck again. And after that, after we eat the food, if I'm not too full from the Chinese,

we will fuck it. You're gonna be too full from the Chinese. I am absolutely gonna be too full from the Chinese food. That's correct. We're done fucking.