Citation Needed - Porn Habits

Episode Date: March 21, 2018

In this week's episode, Heath decides to pull an audible and not use a Wikipedia article at all, so that I have to improvise the description box. So... how about them basketballs, huh? Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

So then who programmed her to escape the part? Ooh, good question, that's a good question. No, it's not nobody programmed. She became sentient, that's the whole point. Yeah, but that really, that seems kind of left field. Let it's the whole thought, well, who would have programmed her with that? It could have been ad Harris.

Oh, wait, he learned to, are you guys talking about cars three? Oh, Jesus, don't you people knock him out? I got a deal. I'm gonna go poke out my eyes. That's, I'm gonna do that again. No, no, guys, I get it. I get it.

This week's episode is all about porn and Eli does a little opening thing. Right, right. So of course, he'd be pretending to watch porn when we came in. Okay, but with that big dick in the news and like All of that what is all of that? Yeah, and I mean seriously like you got a fucking tone this down You wear a costume or something, but but they come all over the equipment. I mean come on man. Oh

Yeah, yeah, that's what this is you got me fake. That's opening of the show. I was doing his Seven put up Weird stuff to add to I'll give you credit man. You go all out of these things though That's really come in yeah, yeah, do I go out on my Pranks I'm a prank pranks. You are too much man. Yeah, yeah, so this is just all real, isn't it? I will give you $8,000. Nope. All this fake Hello and welcome to Scythation Needed. The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend word experts because this is the internet. That's how it works now I'm Eli Bosnick and I'll be opening this incognito browser, but I'm gonna need some background tabs Two men whose porn choice is surprisingly boring Tom and Noah

Okay, yeah, sure, but I use porn a little differently. I used to forget the member Terrible terrible But I use porn a little differently. I used to forget the member, the terrible, terrible members. And dark. Yeah. And look Eli, when you come of age in the era of like covering part of a launch, a catalog with your thumb, it doesn't take much. Right. And also joining us tonight, two men who start every spank session

by googling pornography please, Heath and Cecil. It's just the way I was raised. And it is important. I have good parents. It's polite. I have a priest that though. I asked the computer if it's cool with me masturbating. I learned that from Louis CK.

Actually, no, no, you didn't learn that from him. No, actually I blocked the computer in the room and masturbate in front of it anyway. So, yeah. Now, before we lock the bathroom door today and start this spank session, I want to take a moment to thank our patrons. Without you, we'd have to stop paying for porn, which, as you know, contributes to sex trafficking and takes money from the hardworking sex workers all over the world. So don't donate to our Patreon for us. Do it for the thousands of brave women, men, and in my case, cartoon wolves. Your money will trickle down too.

No. No. And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around till the end of the show. And with that out of the way, Cesar, tell us what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon or event we'll be talking about today? So today we'll be going straight to, is it Wikipedia that you found this? So can we talk about PornHub 2017 year in review?

I have a Google alert. I have a Google alert. I guess that passes now. So. And I've never been more sure that you did the research. Are you ready to finish more slowly than usual when consulting porn hub? Well, about reading the articles. I read the articles.

I am ready. Okay, so why don't you start off by explaining yourself, why did you choose porn habits as today's subject? Well, two reasons, Eli. First of all, with all the polarizing issues that we're facing these days, I thought we could all use some unity. And there's nothing that brings us together

as a people better than masturbating to porn. Everybody does it. Some of you are doing it right now. I'm doing it right now. Tom and Cecil are doing the Dutch rudder right now. No, no, we are doing a new one, Dutch process cocoa. It's where you push on your buddies, Tommy, to help them shit. That's the fuck are you kidding?

I don't need help. I need help not shitting at this thing. Right with you, Tommy. Cecil, you got to push on the other side, buddy. You can push on the other side. Yeah. Fun diversion. Okay, point being porn is universal.

It doesn't matter what you think about, you know, Israel and Palestine or gun control or slave reverses the Holocaust, which was worse. We're all in agreement that porn and orgasms are great. But also, um, reason number two that I chose this, I'm a sad combination of, single now, have no game and sex addict. So it's a subject that's very close to my heart. Oh, okay.

Well, someday podcasting will end and I'm gonna have to go back to selling magic toys and waiting for my mom to die. This honesty thing seems less fun can we make jokes about porn now or we all just gonna go around ron so i'm gonna start us off with some general stats about uh... about porn first of all it's worth noting that according to the latest aliexor rankings

porn hub dot com that's the review we're doing it's the world's number one pornography website by traffic. And it's number 36 in the world among all websites. Yeah. And if old guys didn't constantly forget what it's called and Google Pornhouse, it would be way better, Tom. Hey, hey, hey. People in Spongebouc's just shouldn't throw stones Eli.

Probably number one if it wasn't for the refractory period, you know what I mean? Right, well that and the fact that you can stay on Twitter for like six solid minutes sometimes. Speak for yourself. Braggie, exactly. Alright, so in order to earn those rankings, I just mentioned, Pornhub posted an average of 81 million visitors a day doing about 50,000 searches per minute. And that's actually almost exactly equal to the number of hamburgers sold at McDonald's every minute. Oh, man, best day ever. Just lick and mayo off your fingers and join high quality adult cinema. I like that adult cinema. That's a fine choice of words for something more frequently filmed with a greasy eye of her. All right. So I did some math on those numbers. By the way, that 81 million, that means assuming

that none of those visitors are only there for the articles that a person blows a load to a porn hub video about once every 1000th of a second. All right. Average, average ejaculation comes out. Yeah, right. Yeah. Exactly. Now the average ejaculation contains about 2.5 milliliters of semen. Seams shamefully low and makes me think there's something wrong with me, but I looked

it up multiple sources. You're very, but that means porn hub could fill in a limpic swimming pool with come about once every 12 and a half days Assuming no one's doing that thing. We push on your taint and you choke back the load Your sisal's pushing on your ass Yeah, but yeah, just so much that's process coach. Oh, it's killer Why is anybody doing that thing where you push on the tent? That doesn't seem to you don't have to clean up after I'll explain to you afterward. Yeah, please do

it while we're off the line. Anyway, so point being just it's so much come. It's so like if you put the calm generated at pornoob into that pool, no, it was talking about you'd get just so much come on yourself trying to do all the pouring. It was a weird week. Well, no, it checked his matter. Here's a couple more fun stats. In terms of content, PornHub added over four million new videos last year, including about 810,000 amateur videos, which are allowed to be jerked off at the Olympics, I guess, in total between amateur and pro. That's about 68 years worth of porn if you watched it all in a row. Just in new material from last year alone, just from porn.

Jesus. Jesus. Now I know I'm spending my retirement. No, I already knew how you were spending your retirement. Tom, I'm gonna told you at any point. All right, so in terms of data, they streamed 3732 petabytes of video. Which is enough to fill the story out of every single iPhone currently being used in the entire world.

And most of those iPhone owners are pretty happy about how they use their data. That's what's important. It's pointed up at over 120 million user votes on their videos last year, and almost 80% of the votes were positive, which means about one in five people are terrifying serial killers who finish masturbating and then take the time

to leave negative feedback with their seamen covered hands. I'm sorry. Excuse me for being a connoisseur, Heathlton. All right. Well, regardless, it's worth pointing out that porn hubs vote total is just about equal to the entire voter turnout for the 2016 presidential election in the United States. Admittedly, I did give one star to septicinarian with tiny hands fists entire nation.

I did give that one. That's the best stuff. It's interesting. People show up to stop the fucking as often as they show up to. Yeah, just messing with them. I'm trying to wrap my hat around to that last little factor. Are you trying to say that tens of thousands

of dead people in illegal immigrants are jacking off to Pornhub? Or, yeah, and vice versa. Yeah, and vice versa. Yep. I like that. I have so many reviews on Pornhub. I'm considered a local guide in that.

I'm open to angle for that. Like, I'm trying to turn it to like professional porn critic, but that's such a local guide. I'm open to angle for that. Like I'm trying to turn it to like professional porn critic, but that's such a hard angle to break in. All right. So a big part of that annual review is a section about the latest trends in porn habits. And the top trending search of 2017 was porn for women, actually. And by top trending, they mean the search term that saw the largest increase from the year before. Apparently, porn for women was up 1,400% compared to 2016.

So question for the panel, what is porn for women? Does anybody know? I think it's videos that guys scooping the cat box. I think taking the trash out and it's kissing their face mounts. Yeah, it's anything where, anywhere nobody's face ends with calm on it. Basically, I don't know man. Like I searched for porn for women to try to get just some tips, but I didn't see anybody getting, you know, throat fucked after anal. So I guess I mistyped something. Also, they don't watch porn. So why would guys want to obviously, well, the dude scooping the cat box thing that's called coxoplasmosis. It's different. Yeah. Shit tits. Shit tits feels less meaningful

on this episode. We'll get to shit tits relax. Top trending 2018. All right. So here's a few more top trending searches. At number two was Rick and Morty. Awesome. I was most of those. Number three was fidget spinner. I was most of those. That's a great one. I really, I gotta look that one up. I haven't yet. Number four was 1080p. Boo nerd turned out not to mean what I thought. Number five was ASMR. A huge pin in that going to circle right back to that in a second. ASMR amazing. Number six was Hentai also me. And number seven was cheerleader.

Oh, I made it to the list. Okay. Good. And here's the thing. Apparently, the rest of the top 10 was too weird, even for porn hub to make it so they could have the list. Oh, wait a minute. What is weirder than fidget spinner porn? What the fuck is after that? Hold it with the what is the inner and outer labia they they get and you spin it and you spin it Yeah, okay interesting. How do you win?

Everybody wins everybody wins. Okay, okay, that's boring Okay, so I looked up ASMR. I said I'd circle back to that It's the greatest thing that's ever happened. Have you guys seen ASMR? It's amazing. No, no. Okay. It stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, which is really just fancy words for brain orgasm, which is actually another term that some people use for ASMR.

It's basically referring to videos that give you um you know that tingly feeling you get in your head and down your spine sometimes it's often associated with extreme relaxation but there's other triggers too. But before anyone gets too excited about discovering something new and amazing if you've heard NPR you've been there and you've done that so yeah. Yeah, that's yeah, no exactly. This is exactly why I jack off to Bob Ross videos. That's actually a very official. Actually, actually, that's a trigger. Yeah, no, he, he,

he, people say that people who study ASMR say that actually is the most likely explanation for his success. I'm going to paint the happy little vagina over here just to happy. The coin is so happy in that night. All right, so the the triggers for getting that ASMR tingle I was talking about, they vary from person to person, but some of the most popular elements include whispery voices, mundane sounds that are often close to the microphone, and also calming attentive mannerisms by the person on camera. So basically me during room tone. Well, but no sex.

Retracted. Okay. Good. So in fact, lots of the ASMR community, they make a big deal about distinguishing themselves from porn. There's an offshoot that's definitely porn called erotic ASMR,r also fantastic but the general

term usually means no sex if you just look up by itself. It's adorable what people think I won't check off to you just like oh it's not porn okay let me put my dick away. I just don't get it are they whispering the dessert specials to you or something? Because how much they can? They can, they can whisper whatever they want. It's probably worth noting that, like, I think it's only like 20, 25% of people respond to ASMR triggers. So Cecil, there's a secret kind of orgasm that only other people can get.

It's like magic, but with an entire field of pleasure that you'll never experience. I'm still, I still feel very confused about why this is a part like people go to porn hub It's like magic, but with an entire field of pleasure that you'll never experience. I'm still I still feel very confused about why this is a part like people go to porn hub not for the point. Why were you going to porn hub not for the point? It's in the first it's the hub for that. All right. So before we move on, I just want to talk about my first experience with lovely, lovely ASMR. If you do it, if you do it, just let's test this out. Can you do it all whispery and close to the microphone for us?

Oh, I can. She's a like, okay. Wait a second. Do I get to share my first porn experience? No, it seems weird. No. No. Okay. But I will whisper. was truly transformative my life is changed and it happened quickly It's like seriously. I started watching a popular ASMR video and it was like You know, all right. Well, this is stupid. I shouldn't have looked this up. Mm-mm Unrolling tape noise Oh my god. Ah, it's fantastic. And I'm being honest, it was also like, mmm, attractive young woman doing a whispering voice. But again, there's no naked people. It was just like a tape thing. Not interested. I'm gone.

Go by. Horn, huh? Horn, huh? Don't even wrong. I like to joke off to Pete things that people didn't intend to be porn like it makes me feel more powerful than them But this is weird. I don't like Like those those things where people have the note cards and they talk about their suicide attempts I know as well Because what I did back to a better topic that's way more appropriate So um, yeah, the ASMR, Tom, I'm serious.

Like, you said you're out, but it's great. It's the most erotic experience I've ever had. I spent the next four hours after I've been out about this, watching somebody turn the pages of a book and tap on the side of a bowl, and that's it. We need to get you a woman. This is the most erotic experience that you've been in's it. We need to get you a woman. This is the most erotic experience. You do not need to get me a woman.

It goes on and on. Her name's ASMR Darling. She's fantastic. She did. She tapped on the bowl and she narrated. It was, and not like, not like color commentary. It's just, it's just a literal explanation of what's happening in the video. It was just like I have a bowl

It's shaped like a medium bowl With my fingers now Okay, time to unroll some masking tape This is in sexual And now some girthier masking tape. It's the greatest It's just insexual. And now some girthier masking tape. It's the greatest. It's so good.

It's not sexual, but it's so fucking sexual. It's amazing. Sounds great. Sounds like a Labor Day marathon on how it's made. Jesus Christ. Here's the thing though, if you know Heath, you could have predicted that this would be this thing.

He just would be like, he's like nine hours of audio of someone slowly unrolling tape. Oh, I got a friend who will fuck himself to that for the rest of his life. What's wrong with that, Trigger? Damn. Oh.

So, my biggest ASMR trigger, by the way, is scissors cutting paper like really precise. Oh, that's a good one. And that's apparently a very common ASMR trigger. And when I learned that, Lucinda owed me 200 bucks. She's like, she would like this can not possibly be fucking normal too. Cause I used to, we would go to secondhand stores

and I'd be like, I would buy clothes that I could cut off of her later. And then eventually I realized that I didn't need her under the clothes. It's a weird one, her out. But she was cool with it. She was like, yeah, no, by all means. It's a weird one, her out. But she was cool with it. She was like, yeah, no, by all means. The first time she comes home and you're just cutting up the clothes without her, you're

like, hey man, we're married and you're 15. So are you going to be cool? What? We got 40 more years of this shit. Do you mind leaving now? Oh, seriously, I'm in the middle of something.'ll buy more clothes just fucking just take off for a second. Is it weirder? Like is that wrong? Yep. Yep Oh

I'm staying Thank you Cecil. Thank you. All right. Well until Eli said that I was gonna suggest we make an ASMR video together with Eli like whispering about Toferky and lactate or whatever the fuck Pivoting sharply pivoting sharply Now that we've covered the latest trends from porn hub. That's what we were talking about earlier, porn hub. Oh my God, I forgot. So yeah, we're going to move on to the overall most popular searches at porn hub by total volume.

And as usual, as everyone would probably expect at the top of the leaderboard was lesbian, the perennial powerhouse champion of just about every year since the beginning of porn. They're doing fucking great. I don't understand this at all, guys, are you looking to eliminate yourselves? That would be like us to an ads for YouTube. Like don't. No, no, no.

Some of us are less turned on by Dix than you. He was like, gee, there's two people in the video. Do I want both to be the gender I masturbate to or just half of them? I feel like that's an easy question to answer. Everyone's the gender I masturbate to. Oh, people and some wolf people. That's it.

I feel like porn is just like, it's there to imagine yourself in the movie, but I always pick best boy. I have a lot on key grip too. I hope it's not about imagining yourself in the video. All right. So again, the lesbian number one and rafting out the top 10 worldwide. At number two, we had Hentai, which I'm pretty sure is Japanese for rapey cartoon,

which is terrifying to be able to. Okay, page turner. Why don't we leave the judgment out of this? Yeah, page turning is more, more gross. Okay, at number three, I'm just saying, and I'm just saying the lady who plays Pikachu's voice is also a very popular anti-actress. She's into a lovely studio, but all we close on, pretend she's getting cut in half with

the chain saw, and then she goes home and has a sandwich. Why do we, we don't need to know if she got cut in half right down the middle? Yeah, I got very precisely. Right? With like a paper card. Eighth, I got some videos to send you. Oh, man, you do. Okay.

At number three, we had Milf, then stepmom at number four, step sister at number five, and then just plain mom at number six. So props to the moms. That's where it's at. This is too much family. Can we get back to the rapy tentacle cartoons? I feel better about that. Lot of family. There's a crossover there.

So then at number seven, we had teen, lovely, followed by Japanese at number eight, then massage at number nine, fantastic. And of course, anal just barely cracked a leaderboard at number 10. Correct. Correct. I had a long conversation with the anal. I was like, why don't you just come in at number 10? And if you don't like it, you can just go back to number 11.

It's okay. You can't even know if you don't like it unless you try it. A lot. You have to try it on. Yeah, I'm sure. The first seven times you don't really know. It's like in struck by lightning. All I'm saying is it took even nine hours to be sure about the ASMR. So let's not rule this out. I'm right in the half. I keep a bucket of oil in case I need to douse anything. All right, so a few other searches that deserve honorable mention, starting with Ebony,

which just missed the top 10 finishing in the number 11 spot snubbed just like the Oscar Chess. I'm surprised number 11 wasn't the shape of water. Yeah, close behind the ebony was Asian at number 14, which means Asian and African people were the most desired ethnic groups in terms of porn searching. So congrats to all those people. How does it feel to be job creators for minorities? Discrimination is a thing of the past thing in the past. Trickle that.

Oh, trickle out. To be fair, that is faster than typing anyone but white people. All right. And one of their search term worth noting was number 21 on the list, which was lesbian scissors. And I only bring this up because of how impressive this is to me. Lesbian porn was so popular that one specific act within that category was almost a top 20.

By itself. And just for the record, I tried to search Gaydude's mashing their dicks together. And and porn help was like, Hey, did you mean trans lesbian, scissors? It turns out I did mean that. And the best part about that is lesbian, scissorsing isn't a thing with lesbian. So it's a it's like dude gay dudes dick and a dick porn was number 22 and on that note let's take a quick break for whatever it is that we're all thinking about and then we'll have a cigarette and we can mean for a segment we call apropos of nothing

From the mage to the back door sluts, 4, 5, and 7, comes a hot new genre of porn. Just for you. Excuse me, but I believe that's a fallacy. Tell me more. It's porn, Or atheists. Wow, you made Dinesh to suicide and admit that God wasn't real in a single sentence. Haha, I did, didn't I? Step into a fantasy world so intense. You'll never want anything else. And that's why my new book, Not Godly Us to the Millionth Power, is the number one

selling book of all time. Oh my fucking god take me right now! porn for atheists uh uh uh Sam Harris And we're back. When we left off we were telling the audience our favorite type of porn, Daddy Daughter, Tom, you're next. That's the first, that's the first. I liked the ones with the Asian guys.

I find them reassuring. And so we learned that was false in a past episode. Also, white guys and Irish guys, not true. Not true. All right. So, also worth mentioning, we're the, uh, top trending categories for 2017, meaning the established sections provided by Pornhub as opposed to the search terms typed in by users.

And the top gaining category last year was Cuckled. That's the one with the small penis white guy watching his wife get railed by a black guy with a third arm. And the pretty one. Not all cucking his transracial heath get woke. And also making large gains were cosplay transgender and cartoons and also cream pie, which means com shots must have trended down weird. Com shots start out with a really great trajectory, but then they normally slide at the initial impact.

It's to be expected. I mean, I feel a little, like they're in order for there to be a cream pie, there has to be a cum shot involved, right? It's kind of a prerequisite in that equation. You don't see it though. It's still there. It's just hiding. You don't miss it though. It's still there. It's just you're missing it hiding.

You don't miss it until the end. I'm going to pretty sure you don't get one without the other later. You can't have one without me. I was killed. Music number. Cream. I come shots. Cream. I come shots. That's great. My grandkids are going to search this and they're going to be like, I wonder what grandpa was like. Cream. I come shots. Sorry, kids. All right. Next up in the year in view was the world rankings of the most searched for porn stars. And at the top of the list was a name that I actually wasn't aware of at all. Did not have her in my portfolio. It was Riley Reed. Her video has got half a billion views last year. You sound so surprised. Yeah, I mean, I, and,

pay attention. Well deserved, well deserved. Girl is a champion. Lots of different genres. Not afraid to work on a team. Keith, I'm not good with names. Is she the one with the fake eyelashes and stripper heels? No, no, no, no.

She's the one with the fake tits that pretends that she isn't dying inside. That's the, no, no, Tom, that's me. Right. Right. Almost answering. That's the, no, no, Tom, that's me. That's real. That's real. That's real. That's real. That's real.

And now I'm moving my tits back in. The tits real. The Elias. The Elias. That's the myth. Yeah, absolutely. Tappin' mitits. Tappin' mitits.

All right, so at number two was one of my favorite all time, Mia Khalifa. Case anyone's not familiar. She was born in Lebanon and is famous for wearing a hijab during some of her work, which actually infuriated many people in the Muslim world as you might have guessed. Yeah, which puts her wearing a hijab during porn. She was firmly in the category of thing. Yeah. Also big hockey fans. Every time somebody gets it in all three goals, the gaffer and the camera opera throw hats

on her. They just. I'm just glad that his job is so effective in promoting respect for women. Also doesn't hurt that it doubles as a convenient post coil sex rag. So you know, it's a win win. All right. So I also make it into the top 20 where Kim Kardashian at number four, Asa Akira at number 10, another

personal favorite. I love you, Asa. Fellow podcaster. Fellow podcaster. Much more pop. She is. She does. Yeah. She's the born of podcast. And Sasha Gray at number 20, you might remember Ms. Gray from Steven Soderbergh's 2009 film, the girlfriend experience. And Sasha Gray at number 20, you might remember Ms. Gray from Steven Soderbergh's 2009 film, The Girlfriend Experience. And also from playing herself during a six episode arc on entourage, which is a great show. The most embarrassing thing Ms. Gray has ever done in person. Sasha Gray, that's the one with the eyelashes. I remember. I remember. Yeah. And just for the record, by the way, there was a list of top male porn stars, but apparently there's a serious glass ceiling in the porn business,

and male actors are barely able to compete. It's not fair. Well, it's because everyone is looking. Yeah. Well, only six out of the top 100 searched for names were men. And that's despite having much more interesting stage names. For example, the top two men were Jordi El Nino Poya. Although I love for the child, not to be part of the porn star. And also Mandingo just just Mandingo. You know, like share. He's like share. He's surprisingly large number of ways. Actually, he's done some groundbreaking shit

with auto tuning as well. Last year it was when to go, but he was little too aggressive when he ate people out. So they just cut that excellent, excellent reference. Another fun chart that was part of the review, gave us the countries in the world that had the largest time spent per visit on their website. And at the top of the list was the Philippines, which spent an average of 13 minutes and 28 seconds per visit.

That's fucking ridiculous. South Africa was in second place, clocking in at 1103 on average. And the US was in third at 1033 closer to the bottom where countries like Japan and Russia in the seven to eight minute range. 13 minute. What the fuck you buying your phone a drinking car? Well, I'd also I want to point out for the Russians, that's to be expected. They have to tiny little steroid balls. So you can't hold them much.

All right. So the review also included a chart that showed the most popular times of day for watching porn and not surprisingly, the hours with the most traffic are about 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. most likely around the bedtime for most people. And when we record this show, not a coincidence. But there was a wrinkle in there. In addition to the bedtime peak, there's also a spike in the numbers from about 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. for some reason. But what do you mean for some reason? Like, he's getting a little tired, blood sugar's dropping, time for a snack, maybe a cup of coffee in a nice office bathroom, a wink before cheerlessly returning home to your dead marriage.

I love it. Tom's engaged, right? He's not even there yet, but he knows. He gets it. He gets it. He needs a bathroom wink. So we also got a list of the top celebrities by search volume. not even there yet, but he knows. He knows. He gets it. He gets it. He needs a bathroom. So we also got a list of the top celebrities

by search volume. And at the top was Kim Kardashian, followed by Selena Gomez, Lennah the plug. I read that wrong the first time and I was horrified. He's... He's... He's... He's...

He's... He's... He's... Hard to breathe. Yeah. That would have been. Oh shit. Sniper wolf, the, uh, the gamer and Golgadot. Uh, also on the list were Taylor Swift, go Tate, Justin Bieber, Beyonce, Hugh Hefner, Serena Williams, and also three different trumps. Ivanka, Melania, and Donald. It's also Kathy Griffin at number three.

I'm sorry, Greta, you're got the Donald. I gotta say though, I'm still surprised. Kim Kardashian is the top. I thought she was a huge bottom. I didn't. If Kim wore a top, she'd crush the poor guy. I feel like I made explain the, Kathy Griffin one. You want that on a background window in case you need to get rid of that erection and a hurry.

No, no, see, see how it's looking at Kathy Griffin. All right. Well, then I know you weren't joking on. That's a must of bad. Do you guys think Kathy Griffin is on there because there's a bunch of Republicans that wanted a hate fucker after she cut Trump's hat on? 100% exactly why she's on there. Cecil. Correct. Yep.

I hate myself for even thinking that. You know, people like dried fruit, so like maybe the So on top of all the worldwide numbers Hornhub also had a section on the habits of each individual country they service Uh, we don't have enough time to go through all them But if anyone's interested in a particular set of national porn habits You can check out the full review online. They got all them or a whole bunch of them For today though, we're gonna focus on the United States. And that's because we're home to the greatest men's curling team in the world.

Team Schuster. And also the greatest women's hockey team in the world, Suck it Canada. By the way, I searched for that women's hockey team on Pornhub and sadly, it's found nothing that was real. Although they were featured in the ESPN body issue, a bunch of them. Yeah. This was nice. Well, if you're looking for the men's curling team, just search for dad bod on porn hub. You're going to find it.

I'm literally counting on that trending, Cecil. So yes. All right. So the state by state breakdowns in the US had some interesting stuff. And I'll start with some of the most common misspelled searches for each state. This is fun. For example, lots of the country spent their time mangling the words, hen tie, compilation and amateur in several different ways. Oh, yeah. Armature. Yeah. Farmature.

Yeah, armature. Definitely, definitely among them. Lots of one-handed typos. One of my favorites was Texas and Louisiana, who really wanted to watch some lebsium porn. That's what they were looking for. But by far, the most popular typo was the search term, PORM with an F, which means lots of people were going to PORN hub and then trying to search for PORN,

just the general term. PORN. I'm just picturing some old guy logs on and he's like, uh, uh, porn. Sorry, I panicked. Hey, it's porn. This worked out great. This worked out great. I have. That's regrets. Yeah, I just, I don't know who's phone doesn't at this point. Just auto

suggests porn when you type P anyway, or just like when you turn it on the opening screen. Not just mine. You type P or why you're going to you, you porn or porn. It's on my most visited website. So people are always like, no, I'll Google it and show you. And I'm like, don't do that. And they open the window. No, no, you safe search. And I'm like, I want my sex. We're about to know what I want. I'm not filling out a survey. Moving on to the top gaining searches in the US. Most of the country had big uptrending for cheerleader and hen ty last year. Because again, as a group, we are creepiest.

Yeah, why can't we be normal and listen to people tap bowls? All right. Well, there were a few outliers though. For example, Montana went big on three girls, one guy. Okay. All right, maybe that's just because that's the entire female population of Montana. I'm just trying to get them all at once. Let's see, South Dakota went big on squirting, great, great pick, and West Virginia was all

about smoking, which was got a fun do. But my favorite, by far, Vermont and New Hampshire. The biggest new trend up there was giantis, which I learned is kind of like it sounds, but not exactly. It's close. Apparently they take average sized actresses and then use camera tricks to make it look like they're fucking enormous and show them doing stuff

like stepping on people and crushing entire landscapes and inserting entire men inside their bodies, which is like the greatest greatest type of You know you're gonna watch it right the guys already know the girls are like The guys are like yeah, no it's in there. You like I got you I got you I'm typing it right now because I'm listening on the way from work and like nobody's near my desk It's between three and five. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. It's between three and five. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm kind of. I did see one of these heaths where the, but it was one where the girl raves a bunch of guys. It's called force perspective. I didn't even know that. I didn't even know that. I didn't.

I didn't know that. Of course. Look it up. It's good. Non-concentral POV. Yeah, it's lovely. All right. I didn't know.

But now the other state by state map that I found interesting showed the relative term in each state that was getting more searches when compared to other states. And this is where you really got a terrifying glimpse into America's different regions. And since we just talked about giantist porn, I'm going to start there. In addition to Vermont and New Hampshire, that was also the top relative term, giantis, in Minnesota, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Virginia. So if you're in one of those places right now, I guess everybody looked to your left, now looked to your right. Both of those people probably jerked off earlier today to a 50 foot tall lady crack in shoving dudes inside of herself, which is fantastic to think about. Everyone else up there just pushing up the front of the crowd. I volunteer as tribute.

They do look hungry. They look hungry sometimes. Absolutely. And we saw how tall J-law is at the Oscars. So, if she were just her 50 feet tall, unrolling masking tape. Oh, giant. I'm gonna step on you and then go spend this masking tape. Okay. Somebody else want to take over?

It's, I got this. All right. All right. So, another excellent relative trend happened in both Alaska and North Dakota. In both of those states, they were extra excited about the do not come challenge. Okay. Yeah. But that's just because there's no reason to come to either state. So they just got some peace. Or in either state. Well, okay, do not come challenge. This is another fantastic new world for me

that I learned about this week. So these videos feature a metronome noise as part of the audio and you're supposed to stroke it in time with the metronome and the speed of the metronome keeps going up along with the graphic intensityome and the speed of the metronome keeps going up along with the graphic intensity of the video keeps going up and you're supposed to hold out as long as possible. Apparently, it's used as endurance training.

All right, one last detail about the US map of relative trends. Based on porn habits, you can very easily track the epicenter of American racism. Um, as you probably guess, it's somewhere in the middle of Alabama. And it spreads out in all directions to cover Georgia, South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, and Mississippi. Uh, also North Carolina was slightly different, but not much better. Um,, you guys tell me. So the top relative term in those seven epicenter states was black girl white guy and definitely not in like a progressive good way. Not like, oh, I'm into mixed. No, I'm assuming plantation was often part of the circle.

And in North Carolina, tell me if this is better or worse, the term was Ebony anal. I feel like it's worse. That's better than I, every anal, which involves an elephant, Tusk, and a DNR agent. So, okay, wait, she's, what is, what does better mean in this sense? That's up to you, Noah. That's you know, I'm'm not gonna make that judgment fall. All right, but hold on, wait a minute. If you don't prep right, is it all anal potentially ebony? I mean, that's the, that's process cocoa.

Mmm. Mmm. One last thing before we wrap it up. So I learned from the review that porn hubs dedicated section for gay sex has search terms that are way more interesting, especially just like the sex itself. Yep. I got that impression.

Absolutely. I'm having a lot of confusing, confusing week for me. So especially the trending searches from last year in the gay section. Here's a few highlights. At number one was police patrol and that would be cops fucking criminals in custody. That was number one way preferable to what happens. So I get it. Fair point. At number two, and this is my favorite part. Number two was something called, is that your boner? And number four was, bro, is that your dick?

Which both sound like super fun game show scenarios. They're really getting some fun until you hear that Cecil. He thinks it's a fun game show. Oh, fun game show. Don't lock me out of the hotel room. I feel like pronunciation here is key if the question is like, is that your boner? Like, like what circumstances do you not know who's boner that is? Is that that mine? No, yours? Oh, okay. Well, now now it's mine now that's my Do you ever do the stranger you solve the buzzer do the stranger you can do it with Dix too you can sit on each other's Dix and then they're numb and your hands and you do

It's okay. No, I sit on each other's days. I was doing it wrong I guess I was doing it wrong alright, so he thought this is a big question But if you had to summarize everything you've learned today in one sentence, what would it be? Gay people seem to be having way more fun with porn than straight people. They seem to like, they seem to get the medium better, is what I mean.

That was two sentences. Arts, I had it, it was a semi, it was a semi-colon. Oh, semi-colon. Same thing for the gay guy put it semi in his colon. And are you ready for the quiz? Yeah. Also ASMR is the greatest. I learned that. And yes, I'm ready. It's three sentences. There was a dot dot dot. There was an ellipses. You don't know where I'm putting punctuation. Okay, he what's the best way to explain your browser history?

A, tell them that glory hole is a slang for stigmata. B, that a gilf is a race in world of warcraft. C, that lesbian scissoring is a craft show. Or that D, you could tell them that Hentai is chicken network. No, I love that so much. Is Gilf not a race and warcraft? They look adorable and those little ties actually. Mark my alright. What yeah, I'm going to say D. Hentai is chicken network is absolutely D. Excellent. Alright, well, now that you know what your neighbor jerks off to, how are you gonna

sleep tonight? Hey, you're not. That's not for you now. B, thinking of his dreamy dreamy eyes and wondering, who's boner is that? Well, we ever find the rightful owner. Join us next week on whose owner is that? See with an ice cup of Camomile tea of flesh light and a healthy amount of shame. It's see, I'm y'all in an eye. I know it's see. Maybe just the right amount of shame actually.

D dreaming it turns out of his wife as long as she's a mom. Yeah. For it cheerleader. It's bad if she's a cheerleader mom. Tempting still see. Okay. See. Lashlight.

Shame. Go right now. All right, Heath. So you've chappened to choose a topic that I'm an expert on, which of these is an actual Hentai title. A. Boy meets Haram. B. Bible black, it's not what you think. C. How do you know what I think? I don't know what I think. Yeah, I know what you think.

I know what you think. See, cafe junkie, or D, what? All of the above. Is it coffee? Is there coffee involved in C? Is that kind of cafe? There's coffee involved in all of them.

There's coffee involved in all of them. I'm not supposed to give you hints, but there's coffee involved in all of them. All right, well, I gotta say D all the above then. That is correct, that is correct. That's terrifying. That's terrifying. I'm not talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it.

I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it.

I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it.

I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. A, reject the premise. My inability to find that video with a tattooed chicks and the hula hoops again, I don't know what I have in search in and it was like it was a suggestive video, one or something. Anyway, if anybody knows, you can email me. Yeah, please could you stop tweeting us? Have you reviewed God's Not Dead

and find the hula hoop and the tattoos? The what? I get it, you don't like my dog. Find something useful. Is it B, the bit where the video you're watching gets way weirder than you're comfortable with, but you're already past the point and over turns. You have to just kind of live with the thing

that you're coming to at this point. Yes, or when you realize that that's your thing now and you got to change. Yes, yes, or when you realize that that's your thing now and you got to change your life, where you're just like hair job. Oh great. I'm a hair job guy now. Fantastic. That's fucking great. Cool. Here dear mom. Guess what I learned about myself today. Yeah, I just bought a whole bunch of masking tape. You guys are I'm supposed to disguise the answer. All right, I have two others. See, being turned on by clothes being cut off with scissors,

but not by vaginas being rubbed together in a really uncomfortable looking way. It's impossible to fucking search or D. The fact that my parents didn't even bother to use a fucking stage. or D the fact that my parents didn't even bother to use a fucking stage. It's either B or C and I feel like it's B. It's B. No, I'm sorry. It's C. You were close. You were close. You did have it. You did good elimination. Like Thomas takes the bar. 50% is really easy to get to. Thomas takes the bar was a fun video too. Yeah. Ah! Ah!

It turns out it was his bar. Yeah. Is this your bar? That's just the video of him at MythCon. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Okay. Okay. That stays in. Shit lord is a pun, there's a fun category. It's a great tab. People have underrated tabs. Oh man.

Okay, well no you win now. So you win All right awesome. Uh wait, I can't win and announce myself. This is wrong. I Can't I can't be the host and the asses. We all win and you're the winning everyone will figure it out next week. Everybody on your own, buddy. A really long time tribe next week people enjoy it. So I'll toss it over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer and this week's Twitter question. Thanks Eli. Last week's question was, what was the nickname that Roy Sullivan never got? The winner was Lacey McConnell on Twitter with this. Lucky Strike.

This week's question is, if the cast of Citation needed were all in porn, what would each of our porn star stage names be? Just retweet or Facebook share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you Eli. Alright, well for Tom, Heath, Noah and Cecil, I'm Eli, thanking you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then Noah will be an expert on something else.

Between now and then you can listen to those two jack offs over on cognitive dissonance and you can listen to our circle jerk over a god awful movies, The Skeptocrat and The Skating Atheist. And if you'd like to help keep the show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. Or leave us a five star review every where you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on show show media, or tweet Heath audio of you ripping some tape or something, check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpot.com.

And remember, pay for your fucking porn. Aw, do that thing that you lost out of hot tweeting. Right? And bother me about my dog. Make yourself use it. Oh my God, so fucking hot. I've never seen anything like that. Jesus. Yeah, just so well put together, too.

Those things are huge. You just want to dive your face in there. Oh, yeah. I want to eat my way from one side to the other. I don't even want to come up for air. You know, one day there's going to be smell of vision, you know? Fuck that. I want taste of vision. You're not wrong, man.

Fucking here. Oh, here comes the glaze. Here comes the glaze. Holy shit, look at that. It's going everywhere. So much of it. Guys, can you change the channel? I don't want to watch Martha Stewart make cinnamon rolls. I'm trying to jerk off.