Citation Needed - Pornhub 2024 Year in Review

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2024-year-in-review   Use code CITATION at the link below and get 60% off an annual plan: http://incogni.com/citation    

Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia or wherever we want, and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'm going to be getting you ready this week. The fluffer comparison is unavoidable, I guess, given the topic. But joining me to aid in that task are all the lubricant you're ever going to need, Heath, Eli, Cecil, and Tom. Cock-to-a, let's do it. You have my consent to jerk off to me. Like don't send me a

video but like if you're ever worried that I'm sad about I'm not at all sad. Do it. Nope. Every time, every time I try to get out I literally slip right through their hands cuz so much lube. Just, they can't even get me. I'm really more of a marshmallow fluffer. I don't know. Interesting. Same. Interesting. It's so good. And before we get started, we should probably address the rumors that Tom was kidnapped and held temporarily in an undisclosed volcano layer for his essay targeting billionaires last week. That is false. Nobody else in the room is making me say that.

And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what person plays think concept That is false. Nobody else in the room is making me say that. And with that out of the way, tell us Heath, what person plays think concept phenomenon or event we'll be talking about today. We're going to be talking about the latest trends in pornography, the art of online erotica from the Pornhub 2024 year in review. All right. So what's the what's new in the world? The dicks, I guess. All right. So what's the what's new in the world? The dicks, I guess.

All right. Here's the intro from Pornhub. It's that time of year again, and it's juicier than I hear. That's a disease. Bam. First. Well done. First with a presidential election, the Olympics in Paris,

sexually charged viral videos, a rare solar eclipse, and iconic video game releases made for a year rich in surprises. It sounds like whoever was writing that was afraid they were going to lose me towards the end. They're like, but solar eclipse and video games too. It's exciting. A lot of stuff going on. They continued, our statisticians have pulled the data

from 2024 to bring you trends, top search terms, favorite categories, and much, much more to outline the porn viewing habits of people around the world. You'll find how the gender gap influences interests, which states have a particular desire for certain categories, what video game characters people are fantasizing about most and much, much more. Pikachu. This year, you're going to learn

fucking urdu. This whole setup feels like one of those, maybe we don't want to know this about our neighbors kind of moments. All right. The review starts with Trends that Defined 2024. Pornhub identified six major trends, so I'll give us a countdown. At number six, we have the Hawk to a Girl. That would be Hayley Welch, who went viral after doing a man on the street interview for a YouTuber and answering the question, what's one move in bed that makes a man go crazy every time? She responded, you gotta give him that hawk to a and spit on that thing.

And given her expertise, she's also in the crypto space. That's exciting. A hawk to a coin that went very, very badly and very illegally. Thanks to her cultural influence, the search term spitting was up 28% from the year before, sloppy BJ was up 36%, and spit on dick was up 233%. Yeah, because there's nothing sexier than having your dick treated like a Southern man is trying to fight it, am I right?

Yeah. Yeah, and if you're not circumcised, it's treated like a southern man is trying to fight it. Am I right? Yeah. Yeah. And if you're not circumcised, it's more like a hockey fight. You have to hold a jersey up over the head. You drop the gloves too. That's a yeah. All right. At number five, we have anime.

This one's been trending up four years in a row. Tastemaker. Instead of human beings on camera, lots of Pornhub consumers are seeking out cartoons having sex instead. The search term anime rose four spots to become number seven in the world. And apparently people were looking for anime porn with all different scenarios as evidenced by the big increase in searches for Rule 34 Animated. For anyone who's not familiar, Rule 34 says, if it exists, there's porn of it. And it's a pretty solid rule.

I actually looked up Tardigrade porn just for fun. Tardigrade is the microscopic water bear that's nearly indestructible And I literally found videos of a tardigrade having sex with a paramecium That's better than the one where a bunch of them had sex with a cow the video was entitled beef tar tardigrade So it was some tardigrade a stuff I like that we Eiffel Tower that word, right? Yeah, I'm on the front you're in the back Both sides because it's the porn episode

At number four finger we have the Olympic Games in Paris People were coming from all over the world come in France moved up to the second highest traffic in the world for the year and France moved up to the second highest traffic in the world for the year. Pornhub saw big increases in searches for Sex Olympics, Noodlelympics, and Athlete. Nothing about pole vault penis in the new, but I'm sure it was up compared to before. It would have to be after French vaulter Anthony Amorati failed to advance to the finals when he cleared the crossbar,

but then knocked it over with his penis on the way down. Disappointing finish, but he was offered $250,000 by the porn site Cam Soda to create a webcam show. Yeah, more like knock toa for that guy. Until until he's po-volting with the penis, I'll pass. He wants me and knows that again. So it looks like Mr. Amarade did not take the offer, at least not yet, but if he does, I'm hoping he calls the show disappointing finish or maybe glory pole.

Glory pole amazing. Glory pole's great. All right, next up at number three, we have coworker crushes. With many people returning to the office after working from home during COVID, the world was getting back to having work crushes. And that led to increased demand for coworker porn

and workplace orgy. I think I'd rather watch the tardigrades fucking an anime panda than imagine a workplace orgy as a podcast Okay, I tell them I genuinely don't know how to assess that state even to go Eli already actually has a voice for sexy target I guess. Yeah, it was a D and D character too, right? The fuck bear. Yup. Fuck bear has been there. The Yugaloth. Yeah. Okay. At number two. What I'm saying is we're prepared, Toph. At number two, we have. Distressing. The Jesus Christ Church of Latter-day Saints, the Mormons.

In particular, we saw a big uptrend for the The Church of Latter-day Saints. The Church of Latter-day Saints. The Church of Latter-day Saints. The Church of Latter-day Saints. Christ Church of Latter-day Saints, the Mormons. In particular, we saw a big uptrend for traditional wife or trad wife porn. This appears to be the result of a show on Hulu that came out last year called The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

The show documents a group of Mormon mom influencers who found themselves embroiled in a big scandal that made international headlines about the swinger lifestyle. And Pornhub saw big spikes in interest for wife, amateur wife, and trad wife, along with Mormon wife, Mormon sex, and Mormon missionary. Those people also like their crackers dry. By the way. Yeah, it's not clear if it's the church position or like the church position. Either way, according to sex therapist, clinical psychologist, and director of Pornhub's sexual

wellness center, Dr. Lori Betito, it signifies putting back excitement and trying to keep the fantasy alive even after putting a ring on it. Ah, yes, because nothing says I'm hot for my wife than jerking off to someone else's wife. Okay. Okay. Fucking. And that brings us to the number-

You might be beaten off together. Thank you. Good point. Good monogamy. All right. That brings us to the number one trend on Pornhub that defined 2024. Demure desire. And once again, it appears that a non-pornographic viral video contributed to a trend in porn.

The viral TikTok that's become a meme was made by Jules Lebron, who uses the phrase, very demure, very mindful, while describing her chosen appearance. Pornhub saw a big spike in searches for demure, mindful pleasure, and mindful JOI or mindful jerk off instructions. Very zen. Is there a way to stop those wind chimes in the soundtrack? I'm trying to torture my balls here. Okay. Oh man. Porn based on memes.

If it had come along just a little earlier, we might've been treated to a Maya Hitch. You guys remember that one? But now I kind of want to know what non mindful JOI is like Right is that like a bored IT guy reading off a list like appliance instructions I want to touch the balls a little through your pants It's like the sound of one hand fapping All right, well we might even have some good news about human beings. Pornhub also noticed a bump in the interest for simple sex, authentic sex, respectful

sex and ethical porn. Dr. Petito explained the trend by saying, people may be pining for a simpler time, looking for things that are less complicated and maybe seeking out more meaningful experiences. And according to sexuality educator Dakota Rampin, who's also a contributor to the Pornhub Sexual Wellness Center, our need to witness comfort and chemistry while exploring the spiciest of desires is taking precedent, sick, it's precedence, over what we're used to seeing. Like, I get it.

Ethical videos, that's a nice trend, but stay away from the farm to table porn? That is not... Stop telling me what to do. Searching for authentic sex on Pornhub is like searching for meaningful conversation on Twitter. If you think you found it there, you've never had it in real life. You know what I'm saying? Somehow this feels more rather than less bleak.

It's like, I'm so lonely. Maybe it's what I've been jerking off to that's the problem. Faceless, anonymous women doing clownish sex acts, but real though. Authentic, exactly. And given the uptick in searches like ethical porn, it's no surprise that women were more involved in the data because they are much better people. Women made up about 38% of the total traffic for the year, which represented proportional growth of about 7% from the year before, continuing a steady uptrend over the last decade.

In 2015, women only accounted for 24% of the world audience, but things are clearly changing. In the Philippines and Argentina, for example, women were the majority of viewers for 2024 at 59% and 51% respectively. For comparison, that number is 29% in the United States. Yeah. You want me to make it really sad all of a sudden? The reason so many more people are Googling ethical porn is because otherwise you don't get that. Because there's more women looking

for it and they're like, Oh, wow, I better specify that I want ethical stuff. All right. Well, that brings us to- Oh wow, I better specify that I want ethical stuff. All right, well that brings us to- Should even be a filter you need, right? Right? Safe food. You'd hope. Non-poison water.

The rules. Check the box. All right, well that brings us to the top search- Unexploited phone construction. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If we need another one, please thank you.

Diamonds with no slavery. Like just do the bad thing. All right. That brings us to the top searches of the year in absolute terms. Top five were Hentai, Milf, Pinay, which means Filipina, Lesbian and anal. This was the first time since 2022 that lesbian got knocked out of the number one

spot and it got knocked out by cartoons. That tracks. It's the only thing less realistic for straight men to want to fuck. The top 30 also included anime, big ass, step no, okay. Rock and roll go around step mom, cream pie, threesome, massage, cosplay, trans, POV, JOI, squirt and teacher. And according to the commentary on that section from pornhub.com slash insights, viewers love a sexy, empowered, mature woman who isn't afraid to get what she wants.

And the data proves that. Feel like I could maybe start a channel there and just do a baking channel with a head mounted GoPro and call it POV cream pie. How liberal is that seasoning willing to get? Hey, who is the sexologist reframing an animated big ass stepmom getting a cream pie and a threesome as some kind of moment of feminist empowerment? Rosie the Riveter watching this on her laptop. Good for her. Good for her. Good for her.

To answer your question, Tom, it's Dr. Lauren Betito, maybe. I like that they have a department of insights either way. That's like an interesting workplace and something that they have there apparently. Seems like a really cool place to work. Yeah. Yeah. Once a year we sort a spreadsheet. That's what we do.

We sort a spreadsheet once a year. I bet it's a sad place to work. Yeah. Yeah. Once a year we sort a spreadsheet. That's what we do. We sort a spreadsheet once a year. I bet it's a sad face to work. All right. We're going to move on then. We also got a section about which days of the year are the least popular for porn viewing. Around the world, New Year's Eve usually sees the biggest drop compared to the average. Traffic usually goes down between 40 and 60% from 6pm to midnight. But in the US, it's only a drop of about 35%. They also gave us a breakdown of some national holidays that lower traffic. The biggest example was here in the US, where we take Thanksgiving very, very seriously

and watch porn about 33% less that day. Canadian Thanksgiving, actually, not so much. They have a modest decline of about 14%. All right, well, I am finally willing to admit that they have the better Thanksgiving. Right? Okay, but the New Year's Eve thing I totally get, because if there was the slightest risk

that I was going to be coming at midnight when everyone else was like hugging their families and kissing their wife. I will become the happening levels of suicide. Do you understand? There is no open blade free from my time. Come on. If you time come in the air tonight perfectly with that drum. Oh, so good. With that drop. Ah, so good. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do It's not the Holocaust Memorial Day. In the UK and in Spain for Good Friday and in Germany for Wall Purges night. And for the US, the other big porn holiday besides Thanksgiving is Memorial Day. That seems disrespectful. Right? I feel like it's more respectful.

Yeah, exactly. But here's the thing. Nothing about 9-Eleven in that review in the section about the holidays. Like, I tried to find the stats for that, and they very clearly don't want to fucking tell us. When I Googled it, all I found was a reminder that back in 2017, Ted Cruz liked a porn clip on Twitter on literally 9-Eleven. And I also found a new fun fact for me

Right after the actual 9-eleven in 2001 the football field at the LA Coliseum Was used as a porn set on September 16th They filmed a 40-minute orgy on that football field lots people felt like five days was too soon. Yeah, especially that guy who finished in the first minute, right? Hey, do you think when those people were taking off their clothes and getting their dicks hard, they were like, so did you know anybody?

No, oh, I'm so glad. I'm so glad to hear it. See that one person who jumped out, it was crazy, right? Oh, so sad. So crazy sad. I thought they'd canceled this, but I guess they put out a pretty big deposit. Hey, nobody fucked my ass today, okay?

Sure. Out of respect. Out of respect. Hey, question, how hot does jet fuel burn? I'm just curious, do you know? Not this crystal, okay? It's hard enough to stay hard on you as it is. Oh, God.

Now I'm gonna be thinking about that stupid fucking question. I gotta go inject myself with the thing in my dick One other detail from the review that I was not Expecting in terms of devices being used to access pornhub by far the most popular Was the phone. Tablets made up 1.6%, laptops and desktops together made up 7.9%, and phones were 90.5% of the overall traffic. That was baffling to me. What? Who doesn't use your bigger screen? It looks like we need to explain to Heath that married people don't generally carry their laptops

into the bathroom, so while we do that, we'll pass you off to a little apropos of nothing. Just doing some editing in here. Very busy today. You're so light, it's like two pounds. Oh shit, I hooked up to the Bluetooth speaker, fuck. Oh god. Oh god.

Am I Chromecasting this? Oh god, I'm Chromecasting this. ["The Daily Show Theme Song"] All right, I call together this meeting of anti-porn lawmakers. As you all know, we've had great success passing several ID verification laws this year in multiple states. And so I am pleased to present to you the under 18 that we deterred from looking at pornography Jeff come on in here. Hi everybody. I'm sorry. We we only deterred

The one kid. Yep, just the one that's Jeff. Hi. Hi How oh great question. Well, I'm a big pornhub fan How? Oh, great question. Well, I'm a big Pornhub fan, so when I turned on my computer for my usual sesh and I saw that I needed to verify my age now to get in and I was like, well, okay, well, no porn for me today. Sorry, I still don't understand. Why did this only work on one kid?

Oh, well, the other kids just um they just went to a different website. Hold on now there's different porn websites? Oh yeah a bunch of them. Well damn it. Yeah and not me though. I'm a Pornhub loyalist so yeah I was not going back until I turned 18. Oh you you already turned 18? Yeah. Yeah this morning I actually turned 18. Oh, happy birthday. Thanks, so that's gonna be it. Can I actually use your guys' bathroom before I go?

Are you gonna masturbate in there? Yup! Well then, no. I mean, no. What else do you see? AI OnlyFans Heath, AI OnlyFans as far as the eye can see. Oooh, good to know. Hey guys, whatcha doing? Why is Tom wearing that robe?

He's doing more technology prophecies. Hmm. Okay, please, Noah, I prefer Technomancy. Thank you. Technomancy? That's right, Eli. As each of my predictions of technology has come true, I've realized it's time to take this burden and give it as a gift to the people.

Okay, Tom, you've been right about a couple of things technologically speaking, but you're not a techno mancer. Really? Eli? I'm not a phone addiction, AI pornography, data brokers, as far as the eye can see. Right, Tom, you did say all those things were going to happen, but now there's an answer to protect your data. Incognito.

What's incogni? Really, Boston Lady? You're not even in the sketch. I'M Cogni RIGHT NOW! Fine. Fine. So what's incogni? Incogni takes the hassle out of protecting your data by automatically contacting data brokers on your behalf to request the removal of your personal information. This seamless process saves you time and stress, ensuring your data stays off the market. Wanna feel a kick?

Wow, that's amazing! It sure is. And Incognito doesn't just remove your data once and forget about it. The service continually monitors data brokers and ensures your information stays removed with repeated removal requests. This ongoing vigilance guarantees long-term protection. Alright, I'm sold. Where do I sign up?

Take control of your data privacy today. Visit incognito.com and sign up and enjoy a 30-day money-back guarantee to ensure you're completely satisfied with their service. Take your personal data back with Incogni. Use code CITATION at the link in the show notes and get 60% off an annual plan. Incogni.com slash CITATION. Alright, I gotta go try on some half-shirts. Thanks, Noah! Sure. So, Noah! Sure. So, can we stop worshipping Tom now?

Oh, just one more, Technomancy. Okay, you know the robot dog? Yeah. Yeah, one of them will kill someone this year. Yeah, now that seems like it might happen. Technomancy! And we're back, don't finish yet, don't finish yet, because the year is only half reviewed. Heath, where are we going next? By Edginek. Keith, where are we going next? Five edge neck. All right, next up we have a section called

a time for reflection, where we learn about endurance. And that number is down across the globe. The average time per visit was nine minutes and 40 seconds, down by 29 seconds compared to the previous year. That feels like an eternity. Right? That being said, we did get yet another confirmation of American exceptionalism with US viewers averaging 10 minutes and 37 seconds per visit for an increase of 46 seconds. You guys want to do a little chant?

Let's do it. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. Skyline. Calluses. And I proudly stand up next to you. I'm waving. I'm gonna need a minute. I'm gonna need a minute. I'm 48. I'm waving with one hand. And by the way, we were number three in the world.

Only Mexico and the Netherlands ranked higher on the list. Brazil, Peru and Poland were the bottom three. I feel like I might be inflating the numbers because mid jerk, I have to pause the eat a half dozen donuts and I can't be the only American does this. Right? Yeah. To be fair at this point, I stopped in the middle of most activities to scream about the election, so why wouldn't this be one of them?

I just play through, I don't stop. I also scream. Yeah. We also got a breakdown of endurance by age group. Not surprisingly, based on my personal experience in some of the age groups, 18 to 24 year olds were faster than average by 76 seconds. Ages 35 to 54 were about 15 seconds slower than average.

And the over 65 crowd was running long by 83 seconds. Yeah, but that last group were mostly trying to find the X button because the computer is broken with age comes eventually yeah yeah but I want to be clear that though that would be based on a subset of people who sign in to Pornhub before beating off so that it knows their age there's no way you're returning normal numbers of time endurance there you guys don't sign into Pornhub? You do sign into Pornhub? I was wondering this whole time how they know any of this.

Who signs into Pornhub? Sign into Pornhub? Because someday there's going to be a... Some people like to leave reviews and I would imagine you have to sign in. Yeah reviews, comments, great playlists. You can just make up a fake email and do that. It's like your favorite form of media You don't engage might also have data that can find just from accepting cookies to there's a possibility

They call them okay good, but yeah porn has to eat it last All right, and one more thing about endurance. Here's what we learned about endurance by category. The categories that were viewed the longest were massage, reality, and vintage. People lasted about seven minutes and 45 seconds in those. And the shortest viewing was in the categories of vertical, cosplay, feet,

and virtual reality. Sessions for those were lasting about four minutes and 30 seconds. All right, we also got a breakdown of the most popular days and times. Generally, the AM hours are the slowest for traffic, and then around 2 p.m., people start their standard afternoon sesh, and they go until about 6 p.m.

Then there's a reasonable break for dinner time. Not one guy. Sorry. Just us as a whole, but sometimes one guy. No judgment. And then we're back in full force for the most popular hours after dinner from 10 p.m. to midnight.

That's the general trend, but I saw two notable exceptions that happened during the weekend. On Saturday and Sunday, the 2 a.m. hour is extra popular compared to the weekdays. And same for the stretch from 10 a.m. until noon, especially on Sunday. Yeah, scientists call this the post-club consolation. Yeah, well that's what they call the first one. The other one they call brunch, but yeah. Yeah, also apparently a brunch one. Yeah. All right next up. We have the top relative categories by generation

so Boomers were most defined by searching for strap-on more than all the other age groups by about 36% Hey fellas, what if we were the ones getting fucked? Can you imagine? That is the question, and it got answered for a bunch of boomers. For Gen X, the top relative search was compilation. Us and our mixtapes, right? I kind of like this one. I do like this.

Like as an elder millennial, I'm pretty close to Gen X. This tracks for me. Like, I appreciate a compilation. Do a little curation for me. I enjoy that. Commenting under the longer videos, TLDJ. For Gen Y, it was FMM or female male male outperforming the rest of the age groups on that search by 69%. Nice. Okay, we should check and make sure that's not a Roblox thing though, because it might just be a Roblox. No, I aggressively don't want to know if that's a Roblox thing. We should not check. No, they're just masturbating to the thought of belonging to a relationship that could afford a house. Tom isn't too busy shaming them

All right and for Gen Z we actually got the most pronounced Generational tastes of all the generations they had eight different searches that were above 100% more popular among their cohort that includes music cartoons music VR cosplay gaming hentai and SFW what's Safe for work apparently safe for work is a type of porn I'm very didn't know about that and at the top of the list for Gen Z was

vertical video which outperformed every other age group by 392% with Gen Z. That usually means amateur porn shot badly on your old iPod Nano, I guess, and it's very, very popular with Gen Z. All right, that brings us to the most searched movies and movie characters. Apparently parody porn versions are extremely popular. The number one search was Harley Quinn. And near the top, we also had Star Wars, Avatar, Wonder Woman, Deadpool, and Wolverine.

Appropriately, Deadpool was ahead by a bit over Wolverine. And the top 25 also included Captain America, Magic Mike, Joker, Batgirl, Captain Marvel, and John Wick. Also Hulk and Shrek. Okay, question, together or separate? Because yes. Yeah. I really thought after this November, I was uncomfortable knowing what I know about my fellow citizens.

This is not making any of that feeling. You've never searched for any of those? None of those? Certainly not music. None of them. Certainly not music, but all the other ones. Well, you can't do a PMV to the Eagles. And that's what comes with being. Take it easy. Take it easy.

Free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock and roll. Oh, she looks underage. Alright, we also got a section for video games. Yeah, this is mostly me, sorry. Hey, us, baby, us. Yeah, this is mostly me, sorry. Hey, us, baby, us. The top five games were Fortnite, Genshin Impact,

Pokemon, Overwatch, and Minecraft. I don't like that. Okay, Minecraft wasn't me, but I guess I get it. I guess I get it. Okay. Also popular were The Legend of Zelda and

Super Mario. And for video game characters, there were plenty of the obvious ones like Chun-Li from Street Fighter, Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, but unexpectedly the list also included Sonic the Hedgehog, also Mario, but no Luigi. Well, people were wanking it to a different Luigi, so... Sorry, Heath, I'm not gonna let your bigotry just fly by. Why is Chun-Li obvious but not Sonic? Thank you. Do you know what percentage of our patrons are furries, Heath? They burned down Carris whole city for this.

The only thing that's surprising about that to me is that Knuckles didn't outdo Sonic now that Indrasalba is doing the voice, right? Yeah. What a fist thing going on. Mm-hmm. Knuckles didn't outdo Sonic now that if your Salba is doing the voice, right? Yeah All right, that's gonna bring us to one of my favorite sections in the whole thing the top relative terms by US state These terms were searched the most often in one state when compared to all the others often representing a defining characteristic of that state and its porn couture. For example, California's top relative search was Friends Mom. For Oregon, it was furry, and for Washington state, it was milking. And moving east a bit, in Utah, we had nothing, because Pornhub doesn't work there. Same for Idaho, Montana, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama,

Kentucky, Indiana, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Florida. Side note, that's because evangelical lawmakers introduced age verification laws, claiming they wanted to stop kids from looking at porn. Fine, but the verification laws haven't solved the problem. What they have done is send lots of traffic to darker corners of the internet, meaning like darker than Pornhub. Yep. Okay, but Keith, age verification laws have done such an amazing job stopping

underage drinking. How were they to know? More importantly, the verification policy leads to a big privacy issue. Opponents to the laws have pointed out that device-level filtering is a much better solution, especially considering it doesn't lead to porn sites collecting large amounts of identifying documents about all their viewers that might be abused later. One opponent also mentioned that I can't be f**king fumbling around with my ID at certain moments when my hands are busy. I feel like you need like biometric shaft prints are going to be in our future. Tap here doesn't take you have to keep tapping it over trying it from different angles

blow on it take my let me take my mask off and I wouldn't need the porn sites man also worth mentioning by the way those evangelical lawmakers are full of shit again the claim is they're trying to reduce porn access by kids but for many of these lawmakers it's about banning porn like altogether. Yes. That's literally a stated goal of project 2025 and Russell Vogt one of the chief authors of project 2025 was caught on hidden camera saying that age verification laws are the back door to a full ban on porn. Phrasing Russ, come on man.

To be fair though, no trouble figuring out his top search. Right? Yeah, right, right. Yeah, fucking Republicans ruin everything, everything. Speaking of which, one other side note, the Supreme Court heard arguments last month in Free Speech Coalition and Al v. Paxton in which ACLU advocates and people in the adult entertainment industry sued to strike down the Texas version of the verification laws on First Amendment grounds. And Samuel Alito wanted to determine the academic merits of Pornhub during the oral arguments. He wondered if the site is similar to Playboy and asked, does Pornhub have essays there

by the modern day equivalent of Gore Vidal and Buckley Jr.? Because apparently young Sammy was reading the articles, and that was academic merit. Yeah, yeah, it's a damning admission of how long it's been since his dick worked, though. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! All right, getting back to the latest trends by state.

For Wyoming, the top relative search was homegrown. For Colorado, it was foot job. For Alaska, anal dildo, specifically not other types of dildo. And for Hawaii, it was a wahoo, just one of their items. I'm only looking to jerk locally. It's that form to table stuff, I guess that's ethical. And moving over to the middle of the country, where much like the terrain and the culture, it starts getting a little mundane.

For Iowa, the top relative term was work trip. Yeah, my sexual fantasy is staying in a Marriott. to marry. Just everyone in Iowa vigorously fantasizing about leaving for a few days. I gotta come back. I know. And South Dakota had something similar going on. People don't have time for like thinking up fancy, complicated sex words. So the top relative search there was hot babe. So sad. Very similar in Pennsylvania as well, where it was just literally naked. Tell me your Senator is John Fetterman without telling me your

Senator is John Fetterman. me your senator is John Fetterman. It's just like Googling the word information and hoping for the best. All right, moving over to Michigan, where the top relative search was amateur wife. So like no interest in the series pros, but the amateurs were very popular. You know how like college basketball seems more gritty and effortful, I guess it's like that. For Illinois, it was ASMR role play. Ooh, that's good.

ASMR, it's like the porn version of the relaxing, whispery noise thing, but specifically in this example, involving the ASMRtist playing a role, like a doctor doing an exam or a barber giving a very attentive haircut. I like the ASMR role play ones that are just hours of d20s rolling that's what I listen to. Yeah. The noise just goes right up your spine and here's some of the highlights from the East Coast for New Hampshire. It was enema Connecticut queef hey, Connecticut you okay, buddy

You okay Almost a large one get the bellows Thanks, Margaret. It's almost three. Now I want a large one, get the bellows. None of those stingy, mincy ones you've done the last couple of days. Big old quiff right on the center of my forehead, Margaret. I do have to insist.

That is what it sounds like in Connecticut. Marilyn's top relative search term was girlfriend, just girlfriend. Just girlfriend. I was told there were hot women near me. For Delaware, it was mature. I would imagine related to Joseph Robinette Biden. And in Rhode Island, I love this one, the top relative porn search was wedding.

What? All right, well, paying for those is is the hardest most of us ever get fucked. So I get it. I get it. And to close it out, we have a final section called events that changed traffic in 2024. I'll start with Super Bowl 58 played on February 11th between the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers and the game had some interesting effects at Pornhub most prominently people went on Pornhub and searched for Super Bowl just the name of the thing they were watching but for porn that search for just Super Bowl hot bab Bowl was Super Bowl just by

itself was up 5,595%. From there, people went from weirdly vague to extremely specific and and started searching for big giant monster cock a gain of two thousand three hundred fifteen percent and then after the game which was won by the Chiefs people from Kansas City celebrated their win with a big regional spike in porn after midnight and Continuing into the early morning, but people in San Francisco Took the L very sadly and went to bed with no spikes in traffic. Another event was the Solary Eclipse on April 8th of last year. This led to a big drop in porn traffic for the states in the path of totality, and Pornhub's viewership map went dark pretty much exactly when each state was going dark over the course

of that day But for the rest of the day people really wanted eclipse based porn the terms eclipse and Eclipse sex went up huge and people got creative and there was a big spike for eclipse glasses and eclipse my cop Eclipse glasses and Eclipse my cock. Whatever the fuck that means.

And Noah only made up like two thirds of those searches, guys. No, I was just jerking off the video of the actual eclipse on NASA's website, man. That's fair. Higher definition. And finally, we have election day. Yeah. Well, it started with a large spike in masturbation at 5 a.m. on election day. And unlike most mornings, that trend continued upward until a very unusual peak of the day's traffic at 8 a.m. That was the peak. Traffic remained above average until about 3 p.m.

and then went below average for the evening. The low for the day happened around 7 p.m. with traffic about 19% below average, which represents tens of millions of people. From there, the numbers started to head back up toward the average and at 2am, traffic was 6% below normal. Then at 2.24am, Pennsylvania got called for Trump and the result was pretty much officially locked in with Trump coming out for a speech at 2.35. During that hour, traffic jumped from 6% below average at 2

to 11% above average at 3. It stayed well above normal for the next 4 hours. Apparently, Tens of millions of extra Americans spent 3 a.m. to 7 a.m. doing a long, very happy or very sad porn hub sesh. Huh. All right, so if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? Republicans are trying to take away your porn, and that is un-American, and that is the most important thing about what Republicans are doing right now.

That is my grievance. All right, that's probably going to age well. We record this a couple weeks in advance. American and that is the most important thing about what Republicans are doing right now All right, that's probably gonna age well we record this a couple weeks in advance. So are you ready for the quiz? Let's do the quiz All right, Heath. It's obvious we've we've been missing out on some new Super Bowl themed traffic to our sex tapes What should we call our next one to bring in the clicks? Super is it a Super Bow Lee me mommy our sex tapes what should we call our next one to bring in the clicks super is it a super Bowling me mommy what what what will you explain a before you bully me bully me but don't get on does anybody get it no no forty niner perverts get it forty niner sixty n or C, media with less problematic representation of First Nations peoples than

the Chiefs. All right, I'm going with 49er, 69er. That's pretty good. Thank you. Nice. Well done. Okay, Heath, even though election night was a slow night on Pornhub, there are some interesting search terms, which one was the most popular?

A, soft palate stuffing, B, hung Chad, C, polling place, or D, big black caucus. It's like really close to the one on Super Bowl night. I'm gonna go with D, which is also big black caucus. You are correct. All right, Heath, A lot of what people seem to be searching for on Pornhub is related to a need for some kind of authentic human connection. This is unlikely to work out because, A, you're jerking off on Pornhub idiot

Okay, yeah, so eh All right well for revealing the truth very serious human connections Alright, well for revealing the truth that porn is not a valid path to a meaningful relationship building No matter how many people thumbs up your ass, please comment apparently Is is our winner tonight and he gets to pick next week's essayist. Alright Noah I want to hear one of yours please. Alright well for Tom, Heath, Cecil and Eli I'm Noah thanking you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then I'll be an expert on something else. Between now and then you can hear more from us on cognitive

dissonance, D&D minus, dear old dad's god awful movies, the no RogRogan experience, the scathing atheist, season liberally, and the skepticrat. I'm sure I forgot one, at least one. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash CitationPod or leave a five star review over where you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpod.com.