Citation Needed - PornHub Bios

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Pornhub is a Canadian-owned internet pornography website. It is one of several pornographic video-streaming websites owned by Mindgeek.[4][5] As of June 2020, Pornhub is the 10th most trafficked website in the world and the third most-trafficked adult website after XVideos and XNXX. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

So Venom and Morbius are the same universe, but now the symbiote is in the Holland verse. Exactly. So they can have their own bent. You know, it's funny. My weapon I were at dinner the other night were talking about how comic books reflect societal fears and that sees a book. Talk about comics now culture. You're doing culture.

Stop it. Yeah, no, that's on me. Comics. Sudden clear. Oh, they're here. Do Cecil. This bearded beauty is sex with a capital G. He's cooking up something in the kitchen. We can guarantee it'll leave you hot and drool.

Yeah. So good. Eli, what are you doing? Yeah. Why are there two of Noah? Are we doing clone fight club again? I'm excited. No, not after what happened. I was thinking about this week's episode, you know, about

PorneHub Bios and how wacky they are. And then I thought, what if I fed all of them into our clones instead of, you know, the usual consciousness and bam, PorneHub Bio generating clone Noah? Well, why did you use my clothes? Is it because my brain holds the most information? Is that it? Yes, it is that. And it is not that your clones are closest to the door. It is not that. It is.

Wait, whatever. It doesn't matter. Tell them to do me. Oh, okay. Do Noah. Do Noah. Whoever said we envy not the poet soul, never got a look at Noah's hog. This thick meaty D train is sure to be a one-way ticket to pleasure paradise.

No need to stop and frisk. Okay, all right, that's actually pretty great. Right. Do me, do me, do me, do me, this is fun. I like this one. Okay, guys, that's actually enough. We should probably record the action. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

have it do me, I want to hear mine. Fine, do, do, do-do Heath. Heath, it-uh, is, uh, tall. It's tall. Hey, you guys so fucking much! Hello and welcome to Cytation Needed. Podcasts are we choose a subject to read a single article about unwicapedia and pretend we are experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Cecil, and I'll be directing this adult video,

but I'll need my fluffers. So here they are, in order of attractiveness, according to one listener, no heath and Eli. Okay, I don't see why we're putting so much stock in Eli's wipes up in. I mean, there's a lot of people, guys. Whatever, I'm second, that's the medium one, and if the fluffer is too attractive, it fucks up the whole plan. I'm like the perfect medium. I'm nailing this. Also, huh, I just moved to third place. I just moved

to third place. This is true. It's true. Patrons. It's your injection of cold, hard cash that keeps us pumping these out. You'd like to learn how to join their ranks. Be sure to stick around to the end of the show. With that on the way, tell us, Eli, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event? We regret talking about today. We'll be talking about pornhub.com's bios. Oh, a phenomenon, then awesome.

Nice. And you quite literally peruse the porn site for its articles. Are you ready to show us what you found the horror, the horror? Tell us, Eli, what are porn hubbios? I'm sorry you asked Cecil, and soon you will be too. Regular listeners to our program know that we like to keep tabs on the world's biggest porn site from time to time here on citation needed, be it your end reports on just what your fellow humans have been getting off to or search histories. Pornhub is as essential a part of citation needed as dying in the opening sketch and hurting

heats feelings. I mean, would we call the opening sketch essential? That's it. It's just fluff. He's a he's a he's a delight. Spelling's okay. Good. Uh, time. Tiredly by accident while trying to add to my subscriptions on only fans this year, I made a terrifying discovery somewhere. Someone has written bios for the porn stars on Pornstars on Pornup. They are at times psychedelic, revolting and terrifyingly self-aware. There are literally hundreds, and I've chosen, but a few for us to peruse.

And if you're thinking to yourself, surely there isn't 30 minutes of comedy be had from Pornstar Bios. You are wrong. There is an entire podcast to be had with this material. Nay an entire second LLC stand on the hell dimension, come drenched shoulders of this topic, and I intend to prove it. Yeah. That's what the world needs. Another podcast about white stuff. But first, a few ground rules to maximize the enjoyment of our listeners. Everyone I'm talking about is a consenting adult performer. They are also, as far as my Google Foo has been able

to tell me, on problematic, to my knowledge, none of these people are racists, or predators, or murderers. Obviously, there are porn stars who are those things with very funny bios, but I've left them out this list so we can laugh full heartedly and without the guilt. Yeah, the bio is really bring down the moon. Yeah, good. Yeah, we dodge the bullet. This is going to be super tasteful now. Good.

Exactly. And finally, I hope it's obvious, but the point of this essay is not to mock sex workers. Sex work is personally my favorite kind of work followed closely by food workers and the troops. This is a big fan of the troops. You live outside here, big fan of the troops. Is that what you're saying? Huge fan of the troops. Talking about them all the time. Love them. This essay instead is about the guy and yes, it 100% is a guy who writes the bio. So, if you don't like parts of this essay, please tweeted him. Not me. Nice dodge. All right.

Well, all great episodes start with a paragraph of explanation. Why people shouldn't be mad, but you said yeah, had something and none of us has what. So yeah, I guess, you know, I mean, that's on us and more on us than is on you. Yeah. So don't worry, see, so nothing staves off the angry responses by finishing that paragraph with a confident prediction that women would be incapable of doing a job that men can do. So it should be no matter what, we should be fine.

Lady listeners, if you feel like you could have written any of these paragraphs, go ahead and tell me. Let's start with one that I'm going to go ahead and call normal. The bio of Mia Malkova, who as of this recording is ranked fifth in four stars. Yeah. Five spot. Nice. Some girls are so damn hot that they can get you bent out of shape. Well, tawny blonde Mia Malkova can bend her body into any shape she pleases. And that's sure to please all of the horny cocks and wet pussies out there. This girl has acrobatic and contortionist abilities that could even twist a pretzel into a new knot.

And quote, okay. Well, I mean, that's not how it works with any of those words. But I would enjoy a very talented pretzel maker doing. I like fair and short. And he has not what they're talking about, but I would like that. Cause like any shape she was, that implies like T 1000 term. Absolutely. Yes.

So needless to say, I was pretty disappointed by her. Right. I want the T 1000 in porn now. Also, obviously, I'm just picturing a dude shown up to set with his dick and hot nacho cheese. I misunderstood the bio time. Okay, but the T1000 thing I feel like there's a tie in there. Exactly. He's getting there.

It continues, quote, ankles behind her neck and feet over her back so she can kiss her toes, turn twisted and gyrating. She can fuck any which way she wants and that ass talk about perfection. Maybe it's all the acrobatic work that keeps it in such gorgeous shape. cares really because you just want to take a big bite out of it and never let go. And quote, okay, it's kind of confusing because the way that is grab it now, you're just holding a mouth full of ass without chewing or swallowing. It's really hard. Can you ever try to keep food in your mouth and not eat it?

Talk it in like naked in the summer. Something wrong. You know what I mean? without chewing or swallowing. It's really hard. Did you ever try to keep food in your mouth and not eat it? Talk it in like naked. You're like a farmer or something wrong. You know what I mean? Yes. It's the bad. Do you have, do you have me and Macauv as asking him out? Drop it.

Wow. Wow. Anyway, I'm hoping this writer doesn't just focus on the body. Eli, did you have more than that? No, don't worry. Do not worry. Okay. But it's not all about body.

Fendi is also good. Fendi do not worry. But it's not all about body. Yeah, me has also got a great smile, which might not sound kinky, but trust us, it's a smile that'll heat up your innards and drop your pants. Eat up your innards. That's awful. Off. Off. I thought. Off.

Okay. Also, your smile is still part of your body. I was in a poor bio pet in here, but we haven't moved on to complimenting her in-electity thing. So like Edgina's are smiling a box somewhere. You know what I mean? Yeah. Does it move on to her intellect? Yeah. Is it her golden skin, her innocent pink lips or that heart shaped face? There's just too much good stuff going on with Mia Malkova, which is maybe why these past few years have heaped awards upon awards on this Southern California native. Mia has the honor of being browser's contract girl under a belt.

So you know, she's only going for top-notch scenes with top game performers, men and women. Better hit up that yoga studio if you ever dream of being able to bang a flexible and talented chick like Lady Melkova. Okay. Just everybody should know that plow position is actually really dangerous. Like, you know, you're trying to reach the promised land by yourself. You don't get there and you can hurt yourself. There are bios on the site that are definitely meant to appeal to a particular demographic. Take for example that of Alexis Fox ranked 35th on the site. 35th, yeah. Yep.

Quote, if you're a little cub of a pervert searching for a maternal fox to keep you warm and snug in between some awesome boobage, then set your boner sites on Alexis Fox. Also, if it looks like your boner has sites on it, maybe see a doctor. That might be a nice time. That's a spider. This is one hungry horny mama who put her age and experience to the ultimate challenge of being a standout milk in a world of everyday, Horish women. Or she's hot, demure, and sometimes downright nasty.

I feel like demure is working against the rest of this bio. No. Are they saying like humdrum, Horish women, or like everyday, Horish women? Like what do you think that phrase means? That's a great question. Yeah, it feels hateful, but I'm not sure how much way in the mind of the author right now. Alexis has that natural kugar beauty in her face, but when it comes to that rack, she's thrown nature overboard in favor of some scientifically

enhanced wonder jugs. Okay. Scientifically enhanced. It's not like AI nanobots in there. It's a bag of saltwater, And I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not saying that I'm not Ceebe Cum out of their fingertips. What? What? Miss Fox was, absolutely no, no sentences in between these two. Miss Fox was born in Pennsylvania in the mid seventies, speaking of finger come. Yeah. Pennsylvania. By the time she was starting to become a cock gumbling wonder sign, the porn industry was about to be revolutionized through DVDs and the World Wide Web. Alexis jumped on the fuck wagon a few years later after being a regular porn watching fanatic, deciding that being a spectator wasn't enough.

Just a few years into the game, Alexis was already less of a student and more of a teacher in the ways of Horish Baltic. Whether it's one-on-one with a young buck or sharing a hard bone with a friend, Alexis always steals the show and the semen. What? She steals the semen. Like she pilters it. You can't steal what's been freely given. I think that's like the Constitutional law at this point. Yeah. Some bios on the site read as passive aggressive emails to other adult performers. Take for example, the bio of he may Marie who as of this recording is ranked just 631.

631. On the site. Yeah. What? How many? How many? I memorized. I memorized up to a thousand.

He may Marie might seem like a strange name for a chick, but here she is. This for nice fucking. seem like a strange name for a chick, but here she is. This is the first problematic thing this guy has said. Yeah, right. Really up till now, it was all good. Up till now was fine. Yeah. This foreign beauty is 100% Latina American from Florida. So not foreign, not foreign. From Florida, Latina American from Florida. So not foreign, not for Florida.

Florida. I bet now is pretty fucking weird. She has beautiful tan skin and hot blonde hair that's died from her natural dark tones. He may was 22 years old when she started doing porn in 2017. She's a petite spinner at only five feet feet two inches tall, weighing 99 pounds. She has natural 36 B-tits, a 27 inch waist and a 35 inch ass. While Miss Marie loves to bury a cock in her face to help a guy get off wall on camera, she seems to make the most of her moves as a cam model.

Entertaining her fans live on the web. She posts a lot about her shows on her Twitter account, where she already has well over 40,000 followers. She loves them and they love her back because she posts all sorts of crazy picks of her half naked in compromising positions. That is not a universal way to build a Twitter following by the way. Okay, it's not clear that everybody out. He may is unique in that she did anal sex right away in her porn career. She played with so many anal toys on cam shows before doing porn that she decided to let her fans have that piece of her right away. She loved her first anal experience on Tushy, but her fans loved it even more and are

always clamoring for more backdoor actions from this booty, Licious honey. She also has done some hot, interracial for black, because she doesn't think that's anything to hold back as a pawn in her career. She just wants to fuck hot people and have a good time. Okay. Well, this is something I learned today. There's a big tension in the point community about withholding the black penis experience. Right. Your audience, like I said, the ass of aggressive note to the rest of the community. Yeah, that's like I haven't done ass yet and I haven't done the blacks.

Yeah, it's weird. Like I don't like what's going through the head. You don't want that to be a part of a career and say that out loud. Like I did. One of her favorite places to receive a com shot is on her face. She loves the feeling of a nice warm load squirting onto her visage. This is no seam an analysis after a facial is sperm count. Sinence. Some bios leave us with more questions than answers like Lena Paul's who ranks at 15th.

Quote. Lena Paul is an amazing girl with an even more amazing figure. She is perfect for porn because of her amazing tits that are naturally size 32 triple D. That's right. Three Ds. That we got to the 25 and we got it. Relax. That compared to the 25 inch waist, a 36 inch ass and a strong desire to please any guy

who comes her way makes for a really good time. Before joining the porn industry, Busty Lena was a smart and sexy businesswoman who worked in Latin American relations. Okay. I feel like after joining the porn industry, Lena remains a smart and sexy businesswoman who works in Latin America. Through her own startup, she secured deals between South and Central American governments and US investors.

That's where she realized that being a cute and perky girl could help her get what she wanted, no matter what she does in life. Lena sometimes didn't have enough money to run her small business, so she started camming as a way to fund it. Her company wasn't doing well, so she left it behind for her career and porn. She thought it could help her both achieve her future career goals of going to graduate school and her current goals of making money and having fun. Huh. Same for me. If podcasting doesn't work out, I think I'm all set, right? Exactly. Planes be established. Plan B. You guys agree. Right.

Thanks for being a crazy bio. It's obvious that some adult performers have written their own bios. Take for example, Jade Jordan ranks 92 on the site whose bio reads, be happy. Be grateful for all of the abilities you currently have. Find peace because that is the one thing you are entitled to. Let time eat itself. Recognize love. There are traps set up around the planet in the form of artificial super intelligence. I was left by negative non-human beings and human beings for the purpose of recycling

your consciousness via memory is happening. Bucket, why? It started out so you can't love me on my worst day. You can't have me on my best day. You kind of thing. And then it turned into David Ike's tender bio sure did. It continues. This system is called the case is still going. Wait, oh, it's still going. It's still going. Yeah. This system is called the false ascension matrix, avoid light and warm sensations when you exit. Stay to yourself. Remain centered, neutral and calm. Ascension glossary.com, fatnormus.com, farcite.org, Laura Eisenhower, and then I'll link to her

only thoughts. Okay. Okay. Laura Eisenhower's a a James Jordan's. Oh, okay. All right. There's a bibliography there because I was about to die. What had been said.

And I can look it up. Okay. I literally never want to hear dirty language ever again. And I wish there was a way to clear my brain's browser history. Are you done? Is it all over? Oh, my sweet sweet Cecil. No. For while the biographer of PoranHub may have made strange choices with the women on its website. His words about the men are downright love crafty

and they're going to be racist. That's where I cancel in the show. While I update my resume, you nice folks at home can enjoy a little apple of nothing. All right, porn, up bio steam, huddle up, huddle up. I want you all to meet the new guy. This is no illusions. I. Yeah, so no, you're a little new around here, but I like to give a little feedback

when we work as a team. I sort of keep things tipped up. Sure, yeah, okay. Okay, so Steve. Yeah, yeah, what's up? On Stacey Stacer's Inspire, I love the image you've got here. She's gone to the pound faster than a three-legged dog.

That's a really big dog, yeah. It's great image, but it's a sad image, you know? Can you find a way to cheer it up a bit? Oh, yeah, sure. Got it. Yeah. And Craig, you referred to Tim Timerson as a fuck stud twice in the same bio. That feels lazy to make it.

Oh, yeah, that's on me. How about I replace the second one with cockjockey? Great stuff. Cockjockey. And Noah. Mm-hmm. So you ended the bio for Casey Lazerson with, I can't think of anything that will saddle us with a darker shame than taking that,

which is most beautiful, and feeding it to the parts of ourselves that are the most ugly. Yeah. I just don't really see what that has to do with Casey. Maybe you could talk about how like tighter ass is instead. Oh, yeah, okay, got it. Sure. Okay, also while we're on the subject,

the opening of Spike's stud spio that I gave you, you wrote, we were once all children who our mothers loved most in the world. She held you and whispered her care in your ear and you were the whole world for her. You could have been anything. Yeah, no, but she did though, your mom said, right? But maybe you could just talk about his biggest dick is that's where I was going. I should call my mom more. Yeah, because she's hot, right?

Not the time, Steve. This is not the time. Yeah, no, sorry. I built it. She is the... And we're back. We left off the English language, had been irreparably damaged along with our souls.

What's this? It's the man, Cecil. The man. Let's start with Jordi El Nino Pola, who ranked 10th among male stars all you say. All right, just want to be clear. I don't know how much finished, but I'm pretty sure his porn star name is Jordi the little boy cock. Yep, what's that?

Yep, that's that title, no? Wow. Correct. We can probably add that cock. Yep. What's that? Yep. That's that title. Wow. That's a good problematic thing. Okay. Quote. Jordi El Nino Pola is a guy who has the luck of the drill. He always finds himself in the hottest scenarios with porn stars who love to pleasure him. Jordi's kind of a skinny guy who has that college look about him. He's only five eight and weighs 165 pounds, which is quite small for a guy. Well, some would say it was a good size, but fine, whatever. He's from Spain. So he's in a lot of Spanish language porn movies, but he also stars in a lot of Flix by browsers or other companies who love to cast European talent. Jordy is allegedly

being mentored by Megaporn star Nacho Vidal. Nice. Fun fact about Nacho Vidal. He got charged with reckless homicide for having a toad venom party at his house that killed a guy. Shut up. Yeah. Shut up.

Real effect, which is why his bio is not listed on this episode. Interesting. What? Back to Jordy's bio. You did promise us murderers. You did promise us murderers at a certain point. That's just one of them. There's so many murder. Honestly, this episode could have been called, wow, that's a lot of murderers.

Glad it wasn't. My follow up to now, that's what I call music. Back to the bio. Yes, boundless energy that he uses to tease and tantalize the milves who love to do it on him in both conventional and unconventional ways. In 2017, he was nominated for best male newcomer at the AVN awards and new stud of the year at the XRCO awards. Don't did it unconventional. What the fuck is unconventional? Don't they are they doing his yard work? What the fuck are you talking about?

I'll tell you though, at 46, that matters more to me than a blowjob. Right. It's just over so soon. How did a guy like this get his start? Well, like many men, he was bored and in college. He dreamed of becoming a porn star, but many men, he was bored and in college. He dreamed of becoming a porn star, but for him, it was possible because even though he's a skinny dude, he has a fat dick that does everything a porn star needs it to do in and out. Yeah.

It's rumored that he currently has an exclusive contract with browsers. Okay, they keep mentioning that. I'm learning that browsers is like the fucking gold standard of the industry. That's like Goldman Sachs. Educational. I didn't mean to do that, but Sachs. Because, because, educational episode, it concludes that's pretty rare for a male porn star. But when you see him in action, you will understand why this guy is so desired. All of his fans hopes he will make a move to the US soon to work with more mainstream American companies so that everyone can see his prowess with the ladies. As for now, he's still in Europe and everyone loves his accent

and his mediocre English. It's enduring. And quirky qualities like that that can make a regular guy with a big cock into a porn star. Okay. Yeah. Broken English is definitely attractive. The thing is, I got the impression my broken French was not doing the same thing over there. Yeah. It's not a fair thing. It's not symmetrical. Doesn't work if you're tall. That's, that's, I'm also girthy.

Some of the bios for the men on porn hub feel, I'm going to say filibuster ask. And perhaps there's no better example of this scenario than the bio of Danny D who's currently ranked 164th among male performers on the site. Well, the chicks of porn Valley are not always so easily pleased. Sure. We like to watch and fantasize that it's our own dicks giving these hosas drilling. They won't forget. We here at PoonHub are sure that all of our faithful fans have at least the potential to do the deed, if ever called upon. In the meantime, it's important to keep mining the population for some strong, hard dicks. We wouldn't want to

keep the ladies waiting. Right. Enter ditty. This guy had a moment. You're this an essay. We're not going to answer you. This guy had to be flown in from Jolly Old England to lend his boner powers to the US smuts scene. Yeah, he was one of the original signatories of the UK US boner accord. Yeah. Danny used to be a construction worker. So he knows the thing about hammering, drilling, screwing and nailing rule of four. Well done. Yeah. After realizing that he had the right kind of hardware under his tool belt and not just in it, he made the oh so wise choice to quit working with other people's wood and just

use his own spruce two by four to get the job done. Oh, I would technically wouldn't have by three and a half that's what you're allowed to round up. I think we checked on that and you are allowed to round up. So instead of laying down pathways, he started laying major pipe. Instead of building decks, he started demolishing box. The secret to Danny's success, of course, the construction of the massive tool of his six love gagging on that thing so much that they tear up with their own pussy juice. What?

Whoa. Yep. It goes to the ice. Yep. Interesting. When Danny lays that buckbed ship your own right. When does that happen internally or does it go up like externally and then it's in the it's one long tube, I think.

Okay. By the way, Danny lays that bad boy up in the hot. It's one long tube, I think. I would say, okay. By the way, it's insane. Danny lays that bad boy up in those hot snatches. You'd swear those girls go insane from having his dick poke up inside their brains. Okay. Someone needs to look at a single anatomical drawing. Just one. Just one.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. As well, surprise nobody. Sometimes you read these bios and you think, Hey Eli, are you sure you Google that this dude doesn't have any gross accusations against him? And yes, I did. But that doesn't stop Rocco Sifredi, who is ranked 193rd among male porn stars on the site, from having a bio that reads as follows.

Quote, Rocco Sifredi once said, I want to see a motion fear, excitement. What's the eyes going up for being surprised? Well, it's no surprise that this Italian stallion has become a legend when it comes to making girls shake in their pussies. He's gone by many names in the past, but he will always be known to any girl who has ever worked with him as the man that

banged them to their limit Rockle with Sepredi's porn vids are always such masterpieces that they could bring the whole art world down into a giant collective orgy He directs as if his own cock were an enchanted paintbrush Canvas covered in squet squirt and come Yeah, the Mona Lisa. Yeah Whistler step mob. Yeah. I would have like, uh, girl, the Pearl necklace.

Nice love. Just think about it. Come, come shot. There is no history of porn less than that doesn't have a thick chapter on Sephré and his groundbreaking style of rough sex, whether it's slapping, choking, spitting or smothering. What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? a lot of people get him as fathered like that and they don't realize it. But I didn't know this. Yeah. Rocco gives it as much as he loves to get it. So everyone is happily wasted in the end. He's an avian hall of famer with close to 40 major awards under his belt. One category where Rocco really stands out is the art of ultimate anal domination. This guy makes but holes wink when he reaches for his fly and then gives them such a cream pie, that ass will be tasting like birthday cake for days to come.

Okay, but just days like after that, it's ass again. It's what it tastes like. I like that he wasn't too hyperbolic. He's like, for a couple of days, it'll taste like birthday cake to three days. Max, be realistic. He's a king among kings in an industry filled with pole jousting hot shot princes. With one look at his scenes, you'll feel like you've entered a kingdom where every fuck freak is welcome to get as hard and nasty as he or she desperately needs it. And I can't, hang a monk, he'd you rank to hundred and ninety third. Dude, it's right there. We can see your ranking.

We're asked Keith. Yeah. One ninety three. I would have been able to, I told it. I actually didn't, I forgot this one and I didn't have the answer right away. I waited until he last said it and then I was like, one ninety three. Cecil,

you're both published authors at this point. And you know that every writer has had a metaphor, get away from them before. One can't help but think that that was the case for a bio writer as he composed for Johnny Sins who raised 29, 29th. Correct. Yeah. Quote. Some wise ass once said, every worthy battle needs a formidable opponent.

Well, on screen fucking isn't exactly a battle. Ornhub supposedly took all those down. So they, yeah, this is a lot of hardcore back and forth power involved. That is why for every amazing female porn star out there, they need a big, strong, energetic guy who really knows how to give it like he's leading the charge of the light brigade. Okay. What? That's, that's great for them. My sexual style, it's more like Miyagi Doe. I would say both their valid. You can either be on some people like you. You only fuck defensively or I don't, I do a lot of cotton by myself. A lot of wax on.

Yeah, mostly trains by waxing off. Okay. There's nothing that Johnny Sins can't handle. If you want to see a little teen get lift up and held upside down for some standing 69, you need Johnny Sins. If you want to see a fixed set busty milk, get lifted off her back and get fucked so hard her flesh ripples, you need Johnny Sins. This guy is all muscle power and massive dick. And he's

got the stamina to take on multiple consonances for your wanking pleasure. Johnny pounds that pus like a running back riding a steed through battle. What? That's very confusing. Okay. The way you're running, you can, I mean, that wouldn't even make sense. You're riding back. You don't want to fall. Maybe it's like you're cheating. you can, I mean, that wouldn't even make sense. You're riding back to the old. Maybe this one's better. Maybe this one's better. Yeah. Maybe this one's better.

He's made more eyeliner run than every sad movie watched on Valentine's Day by single horny girls. He's left more girls limping than cheerleader practice on tequila. He's six feet of tall muscle and fuck power and has just got as much length stretching out horizontally. What six feet? Johnny, so your penis is a cube. What's happening? What are you describing there? When this guy isn't fucking, he's known to hit the gym or just kick back and play video games. So it's easy to imagine. Johnny is just one of the boys, except he's your pal who gets the most poon. I don't know. Order my friends

by poo. Nack was issued. Is that weird? Am I the weird one? We did everyone by attractiveness. I wish we did. Where would you fall poo. Nack was issued? I don't you think if you like that's relevant. I think if I may with the bio of Tyler Nixon, who in my humble opinion represents the phenomenon that is the poor and hub bio, a startling mirror of the psyche of the author, a little gross and leaving one in doubt of culture survivability. Here we go. Quote. Here's a young surfer stud who knows just how to make a living author, a little gross and leaving one end out of culture survivability. Here we go. Quote. Here's a young sir for stud who knows just how to make a living when he's not riding waves, chilling with his boys are hanging on the beach, banging super hot bitches.

Tyler Nixon is relatively new to the porn game, but he's already snacked on more snatched than most of us could ever dream about. Whereas we might be used to thinking about male porn stars as older greasier dudes with ponytails and fake tans, Tyler is basically the complete opposite. Yeah, he's a younger greasy dude with the fake tan. So he's definitely. If you want to watch a scene where a tough big titted teacher needs to discipline her student, then Tyler is just the college bad boy for the punishment. If you fantasize about sneaking out of your girlfriend's room late at night because you know her hot milk mom wants you to eat her pussy, then Tyler is 100% convincing

as the young lucky boy friend. Yeah, if you can't sell the character, I'm not watching. That's right. You're developing. Amen. If you dream about interrupting your mom's tea party because her slightly slutty friend has been shooting you fuck me looks all afternoon. Tyler is the one to take her out back and ram the hell out of that mature pussy. Not to say the Tyler ma'am sorry to interrupt the tea party. I'm going to rail you out. Not to say that Tyler doesn't also get his fair share of sweet young team action too. Girls just can't help soaking of their panties when Tyler flashes them a smile and shows

them the outline of his boner. He's got the strength and stamina to fuck these girls hard and make sure they get a first class ticket on the Dictrain to orgasm town. And quote, before we end, Eli and Eli just want to ask a question Who what are these four do you do you have any idea what they're for? No Fucking idea man And you guys ever been watching a porn and been like I'd like to research this a little bit like are they there to pass the time between

Refractory period like what is happening it, go to a different website. Who stays on the website? I don't get it. I just don't understand like in a room. You know when you play magic, the gathering and you're like, I'm going to read the flavor text. Is it like that? Maybe it's that.

All right. Stop string the text. All right. If you had to summarize, you learn one sentence. What would it be? You like, it really did have everything. Didn't you? You ready for the quiz? Eli, Eli? We really did have everything.

You ready for the quiz, Eli? I'm not gonna answer that. Sure. All right. Eli. If you guys were all porn stars, which of the following would be the best shit porn from your catalog? Hey, well, the time's not here today, but I think Tom for himself would nominate the Thomas Brown affair. Be for a C-Sole, the C-Sole, something Italian job. Okay. Nice.

For no of the scat whisperer or D for Eli, there will be blood. Oh, Jesus. Got to be D. Got Gotta be D. Gotta be D. It's always the D. Yeah, of course. I would have thought mine would have been the scat thing atheist, but no, guess not. It's okay. Eli, I have a question for you.

What is the most interesting thing about this essay? Hey, the fact that you found a way to do an essay while writing fewer actual words than the people interjecting. That one. That one. He one. The fact that based on your lowest ranking selection for women added to your lowest ranking selection of men, you perused at least 824 of these things and put in this list together. I really did. I spent a super long time. Or see Tom's mysterious and unexplained abs. I'm going to go with A. It is definitely.

A. That was a lot of time reflecting on that. If it's not the day, it's the a. Eli, Eli speaking to the a, we learned today that Rocco can come in an asshole and make it taste like birthday cake for a couple of weeks in light of that revelation. What is the best porn dessert? A pound cake, B, little Debbie does Dallas, C, devil's food in this Jonesones or D Two girls one cupcake Correct Okay, I'll win and I'll pick Tom By the back. Yeah, he's not here to defend myself well done. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well for Noah, Eli and Heath, I am Cecil. Thank you for hanging out with

today. We'll be back next week and by then, uh, Tom will be an expert on something else. Between now and then you can listen to all of our other shows and you can find them on the brand new website that we just redid citation pod.com. If you'd like to help keep this show going, we can perp sub donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. You can leave us a five star review ever where you We are not dogs driven by instinct from one foul impulse to the next. We are human. We can be vessels of kindness if we but choose that path. That's lovely, man. But I think we're going to stick with the name pornhub.com. All right, you're lost. I think it's too many letters. Steve, it's what? It's too many.