Citation Needed - Principality of Sealand

Episode Date: June 27, 2018

The Principality of Sealand, more commonly known as Sealand, is a micronation that claims Roughs Tower, an offshore platform located in the North Sea approximately 12 kilometres (7.5 mi) off the coast of Suffolk, England, as its territory. Roughs Tower is a disused Maunsell Sea Fort, originally called HM Fort Roughs, built as an anti-aircraft defensive gun platform by the British during World War II.[3][4] Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

You didn't like transparent? Yeah, honestly it was like a little out there for me. How was it out there? Just like you know like robots from space and I was like, where's the guy from arrest the development? You know I mean he was in the ads. So Tom, that's bad. Hey guys, God damn it.

You like it? Eli, why did you turn my recording studio into, I mean, I'm going to use this word generously here, a boat. It's for this week's episode. It's all about Sea Land. I skim the article and if you're three miles off short, there are no laws. Eli, that's not even a little bit true, bro.

Was it any of the assays this week? I don't pay attention to the assays. I got everything out here in my lawless boat zone. I got drugs, I got booze, DRM-free DVDs, plus, we can finally say whatever we want on the show. No more having to edit for the censors. You're like, what? We've always had the ability to say whatever we want.

I added you because the things you say are terrible, not because of censors. Oh, really? I mean, not everything you say is terrible. I don't think we should be lying to him right now. I think that's probably not. Okay, so we don't need best friendia. No, pal.

We don't need best friendia. Okay. So question, what do I do with all this child porn? You hold on to that, blood. That's for you. Okay. Hello and welcome to CitationNeeded, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet.

That's how it works now. I'm Tom and I'll be ruling over ignorance with an iron fist tonight but I'll need some dukes to join me in my hazard. First up, a man whose kingdom would have the death penalty for spelling and grammar errors. No, hey, hey, nobody in my kingdom would be hung for using an improper tense. They would be hang. Oh, God. God. Can I go first? And they you go first. That's a joining us tonight. That's true. I'll do it myself at this point. In New Orleans. English major. He was saying, and also joining us tonight.

Ouch, that's my heart space. That's that's our aim. I'll cry into money. And also joining us tonight, two men whose kingdoms would involve far more dress up than any of us are comfortable with. Cecilandie lie jokes on you. My cats already have alphirs. jokes on you. My elf is already wearing cat ears. All right, I believe they prefer the term little people. Before we begin the show tonight, we'd like to thank our patrons. Your funding keeps the economy of our small nation of float. And for that, you'll always have a visa to our hearts and a passport to our genitals.

If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, please be sure to stick around until the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us know what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event. We'll be talking about today. Well, today we're gonna be taking a suggestion from a patron by the name of Cynthia

and discussing the principality of Cland. All right. Eli, you let Noah Wright assess a for you, Magnanimous, because yours are generally unintelligible gibberish. Thank you. Are you ready to sound like a much smarter man than you really are? Pinned duty, Tom. Pinned duty. I didn't think that was a no.

So what is Cland? Well, according to some people, Cland is the smallest sovereign nation in the world, but those people are wrong. Not wrong people would say it's an abandoned naval platform and a crazy guy. A crazy guy, by the way, who does not validate parking. So I don't even ask him. It's weird about it.

When did this glorious experiment and freedom begin? So the story starts during World War II, with the British trying to augment their coastal defenses. They realize that several key shipping lanes are vulnerable to sea mines dropped by German aircraft. So they set up a series of defenses called the Munsell seafords, so they could keep an eye on the more prone locations.

The problem with the seaford is that the couch cushions get wet and then they sink. Oh, and like terrible. The thing is like imagine too, the size of the sheets you have to put over it. Yeah, I got that right. It's a big sheet. I know. And the flashlight doesn't work in there. Because it's all wet.

You have to have so many of them. But now that there's LED, you have more. I guess that's true. Exactly. So among these forts was a platform that became known as Fort Ruffs. It consisted of a pontoon base with a super structure of two hollow towers joined by a deck. Basically, they build these two massive towers, tug a pontoon boat out to it, attach it, then flood the boat so it'll stay in place. And that gives them a more

or less permanent base and an otherwise vulnerable point. And they don't have to waste a see where they're vessel to guard it. Now, the location of this particular base is important. It's planted outside the mouth of the river Thames, but importantly, it's located about seven nautical miles off the coast. And according to International Law at the time, the UK could only lay claim to the first three nautical miles of coastal waters. In other words, this fort was an international waters. International waters. I have seen that movie, and I gotta say, it's weird.

Yeah. Wait, is this the first time in history the UK doesn't want to lay claim to something? Right. Wait, wait, no, no, indigenous brown people are exploiting next. They see a brown fish and they're like, no, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, just becomes this sort of massive husk rotting in the ocean. Last time I was swimming, you don't have to be such a dick. I hold it tight. It was just, I googled image to you. You came up, it was a whole thing. It was a whole thing.

About a day. I was trying to push you back in the water. I, green piece coming, they blew up with dine-up, I, it was not fun. It was your honeymoon. I should have been able to have a lovely time. It was a whole thing. No, getting drawn by greenpeace is not as appealing

as it sounds either. Pass. One vote. So about a decade later, the location caught the eye of political subversives that we're looking for good places to of all things broadcast pirate radio stations from. What the fuck? Oh yeah, I bet you're on that thing for seven minutes

before everybody's done with a fucking pirate joke. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Right, so in 1964, Squatters, Jack Moore and his daughter, Jane, took over the platform and they started broadcasting their program, Wonderful Radio London from its deck. Now, by the way, if you're wondering what pirate radio stations were, don't get excited.

They mostly played pop and rock music that the BBC wouldn't, and they did it from international waters. So they couldn't get in trouble. They're like, political subversives. If they're just playing, like, holiday by Madonna or whatever. You have not met a British person. See? Right. They're just playing these music that they're kind of not supposed to play.

They were like podcasts, except people listened. Yeah, back then the RSS feeds you just shum in the water to get people to. I was like, wait, that's not, that's not how you do it. Why have I been shumming the water for nothing? That's a make-work era. That's a plunger. I'm shumming before the plunger. I'm talking about much.

All right, so the Moors did not last long there. Perhaps they realized that living in the English channel is suboptimal, perhaps the LSD started to wear off, but one way or the other, they abandoned it shortly afterwards. So over the next couple of years, a few other pirate broadcasters come and go, but on September 2nd of 1967, a man named Patti Roy Beats enters the story.

If VIX the broadcasters that are there and holds onto the platform for the rest of his life, what am I going to do? He VIX them like what the fuck he just shows up and is like, this is my permanent stationery radio boat now. What? Are you using the main thing I've learned from doing this show is that when a human being and stationary radio boat now. That's holes. What? I'm using the main thing I've learned from doing this show is that when a human being says,

you know what I'm gonna do? There is no limit to the insanity that might follow, right? Especially if their name is Roy. Right, or how often it turns out okay for that person. Right. Now, originally, Patti Royce planned with the broadcast his own pirate radio station, radio Essex from it.

But despite having all the necessary equipment to do so, he never got around to it. Instead, he just declared the tower's independence from the UK and deemed it the principality of C-Lant. I like that he never gets around to it. This is like every guy that's ever emailed us after episode two of their podcast for a guest spot. And then they never release that. Right. I'm just picturing some guy like standing on the top of it, like victoriously thrusting a flag into the ocean again and again, just watching it.

I claim that oh, shit. Oh, get it. Get it. Get it. it. I love if enough of them pile up. I Got it. It's like pick up sticks. I got to intertwine So for about a year this doesn't matter spoiler alert. It never matters Except for some spiteful pirate radio broadcasters who had lost a crash pad nobody really gave a fuck about a Wacaloon occupying this abandoned platform or whatever he was calling it. But in 1968, Roy made himself really hard to ignore. Okay.

How? Well, he's British, Tom, so he politely clinked his glass with his butter knife and said, that's what I'm doing. By shooting at people. That wouldn't work in America. Well, no, no, no, he was shooting at white people wouldn't work in America. Well, no, no, no, he was shooting at white people. We do notice that. That changes it.

That's too much. We have specials on T. I look at their kids, in which case, we talk about mental health. Oh, we still have specials on TV. Right. Right. So apparently we are the world. We are the children until they get shot and then somehow like conversation becomes about whether or not we should

Talk about mental health There are no Alex Jones is alert no We don't do that either grieving parents on his crazy listeners and we're all just like Alex Jones be Alex Jones and then nobody's like Hey, why don't we just acid attack that guy anyway Jones and then nobody's like, hey, why don't we just ask to attack that guy? Anyway, so apparently a couple of workmen are

ordered to do some work on the navigational buoy that Roy considers to be part of his territorial waters. So he orders his son, Michael, yes, he has a son who lives on this thing with him, to scare them off with a few warning shots. Now, despite declaring his independence and taking the title of Prince Roy, the government definitely considered them British subjects.

So Michael lines up with a court summons, you know, for the shooting on firearms charges. Get the summons as a total bitch though. They had to get the right size bottle and cork and flung out some guy in Portugal just shows up to court because of miscalculated ocean currents. He's like, yeah, I didn't even speak the fucking language. Look at me. That are like shackled in almost a self Georgia Island. Here's a clink against it.

But like, oh god, damn it turned right. I gotta go back. I gotta thing now. Well, they got to do that because some dude was on the beach all day. Like a third base coach waving a couple of flags going, this ain't wet, can a governor? We're gonna have to. It's got a ball.

Right. So the courts review the case and they don't want anything to do with it. Like they're trying to get out of it. So they point out that the platform is in international waters. So the courts have no jurisdiction. And I just want to say I feel like it should have taken more than paddling out three miles to have a dual or watch some child porn. So that seems like the wrong decision, but that's what they landed on legally. So there you have it. There's just a group of aborigines shaking their head. Sure. That island you ignore.

That's the one you're more like that. I don't know about a group of those like, exaggerate. There's two or three of them. It's actually a murder of aboriginals. Maybe both. So, of this, so of course, at this point, Roy is over the moon. In his mind, he's won legal recognition for his tiny little country. So he immediately sets about countrying it up a bit. In 1975, he introduced a seven article Constitution that established a

Patronial monarchy and allowed him the right to amend the Constitution whenever the hell he felt like it for whatever reason he cited So not exactly a constitution Yeah, we're pretty much doing the same thing Yeah, but I'm I'm actually pretty sure his paperwork isn't better order Yeah, okay, yeah, but I'm I'm actually pretty sure his paperwork is in better order Yes, I'm sure Terran and half Someone's taping stuff up after All right, so this was followed this constitution was followed up by a new flag which was nothing but a white diagonal on a red field

But as lazy as it's not a dive Like a man below. But as lazy as that seems, it is nothing compared to the lyrics of C. Land's National Anthem, which is instrumental. He also introduced his own currency, postage, and passports. Wait, he's printing postage and passports. Where's he printing all this stuff? Is he just gathering? Is he taping a letter to a horseshoe crab, the tone is hard as he can to the shore like he is, but

it counts if he gets the letter one crab length from the eyes. What is needed on the thing? Free postage for your second letter. I mean, I'm sure he's going back and forth to the shore, but I love the idea that everything in his country was some kind of like Gilligan's island meets the Flintstones mashup like do you have that passport? Well, I have the fucking handful of seaweed you mailed to me on the horseshoe crowd That's a fucking passport. You have to call it a passport or you can't come in Now again Cland was not really a country

Now again, C-land was not really a country, so all of the shit was as valuable as it would be if you were I printed it up and his money couldn't buy anything and his postage was only good if you accompanied it with real country's postage. Yeah, exactly. In fact, all male-addressed C-land had to be sent to care of a post office box in Essex. In care of. I fucking love this. Like this guy has to climb a ladder down to a boat and tie the boat, roll miles across the ocean, tie up his boat, hike to the post office, get his male, hike back, roll back to the barge, up the fucking ladder again, it's just fucking muffler ads in the petty chamber. fucking ladder again. It's just fucking muffler ads in the petty saver. Worst trip ever. Every day. So a little bit about this money. The coins are issued depicting

the nation's code of arms, which depicts two murder lions. I it's a half man half line Oh, yeah, right half man Three half three Yeah, what makes another half the growing out the side anyways the more lives They're like doubling up on a medieval night over the motto Emery Libertas or from the sea freedom kind of or from the sea freedom kind of, sort of. So they're issued in denominations of the sea land dollar, a currency that Roy calculated as roughly equivalent to the US dollar. And everyone else calculated to be a worthless metal pox.

So you can see there's a, I just wanted to know how the fuck is he minting his own metal coins on a fucking boat in the ocean. Just taking carbon out little rings of the boat going. He's probably so many of these weekend mint guys. You can't fool me. That's a sand dog. So he's like, I'll trade you this sealant dollar for that weird toothy ring that detaches

from the cap of the milk. Let's let's make it one infinite of seal and dollar. I'll tell you what I'm even willing to come down 10% on that. So in addition to the money and the postage seal and also, as I said, issues passports. So though no country recognizes them as valid for international travel. Still something about the novelty passports struck a chord internationally. It's like Bitcoin.

And by 1997, they issued over 150,000 of them. It got so excessive that in that same year, the Bates family revoked all CLAN passports and started over. Yeah. The wistful days before 9-11, you could present a hilariously useless passport and not get an arm up your ass to the hell. Yeah.

Now it has to be twice as hilarious, just to be worth it. I get you. I'm with you packing list. CLAN passport, TSA brand analogue. Yeah, we're ready for vacation. Here we go. Add another 20 minutes to my commute time. They should make that.

So as I mentioned above, the Constitution calls for a monarchy with Roy at his head. But despite the tutorial control, he granted himself in the founding documents when it came to dole out titles, Roy only made himself a prince. What? Because of the humility, you see. Now his wife, of course, who again is also on this rusted out husk,

was Princess Joan. Their son was known as his Royal Highness Prince Michael, and starting in 1999, took on the title of Prince Regent, probably because Roy could no longer handle the many administrative tasks required to run a nation with no citizens in the middle of the ocean. Heath gets it. Heath gets it.

Okay, guys, to be fair of all royalty, you can mock this man's castle, but he is killing it in the moat department. The party's over there. Now, throughout all of this, the Bateses have refrained from shooting anybody. So the British government adopted sort of a hands-off approach called the, we don't really give a shit doctrine. Now, this policy was later adopted by the US government for everywhere below the Mason Dixon

line, so we're familiar with this. But just because Queen Elizabeth didn't want to retake the platform, didn't mean there weren't other claimants of throne. And that would become painfully clear during the invasion of 1978. All right, well, it looks like we're about to witness a homeless battle unlike we've seen since Eli tried to start a hobo fights YouTube channel. No, on that again.

So we'll take a quick break for everybody's favorite use of the interstitial music. Apropos of nothing. All rise, the honorable justice ham shy of froth and berry presides. You may be seated. Today's case is one petty royale baits versus the crown marvellous sea land. His separatist vistigial hound. How does the defendant played? You don't own me. I wrote my name in small letters.

You can't trade me for gold. I'm the king of sea land. You can't touch me. Because wrote my name in small letters. You can't trade me in for gold. I'm the king of Zealand. You can't touch me because I'm wearing glue in my pockets. Well, it's obvious to me that us sir, sir, yes, Jones, this would invite maritime code and extradition, sir. Oh, that's quite a little paperwork, isn't it? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Okay, the crazy guy in a balloon hats can own a dock in the middle of nowhere. It's a crown! Thank you!

Uh, bored and passed in passport. Yeah, I've got it right here, sir. Principality of Sea Land. Yeah. That's not a real country. that's an amusement park with whales. Sad whales. Eli, you're not in this sketch. You're not in this sketch.

I am, obviously. Oh God, let's try this again. That's not a real country, that's an amusement park with dolphins. Very sad dolphins. Will you fucking stop, please? You ever see the cove sea salt? I don't want to get into it, but I have a bunch of blood to pour on for. Anyway, okay.

I can't accept this, I'm sorry. Well, why not? It's a real place. Do I have to get out the fucking rubber glove here? No, no you don't. Here's my real passport. It is pretty hilarious that thing, though. I know, right?

Sea land. Eh, do you have anything else to declare? 30 grand and small bills and this cocaine. Sad cocaine. Tell us about the invasion, Eli. Okay, so this is where we have to introduce the spectacularly christened Alexander Achenbach. Now, the wiki doesn't go into anywhere near enough detail on this guy, but he's a German lawyer who has a C-Land passport. And for reasons unspecified, decide that he's the true and rightful heir to C-Land. So in August of 1978, he hires a band of German and Dutch mercenaries and sets off to take what's rightfully his.

Look at what? That is the most German thing ever. Next to Richard's hands and his hair cut. What is left to invade? Just sealando, okay. Fine. Let's Russia try to take this back. So Achenbach and his band of Desperados wait for Prince Roy and Princess Joan to make

a foreign visit for a Starbucks round or something and they storm the platform. And I do mean storm. They attack with like speedboats and jet skis and helicopters. What? Yes. Yes. Now luckily this is a bloodless coup. But Aachenbach does manage to capture the air to the throne,

Prince Michael, and take him hostage. Is someone order a blitz? No, a blitz with an end. Oh, yeah, sorry. Our bad, we live here now. Yeah, that's how I work. So this country, apparently, I love that they told him a hostage, right? I mean, you could also say that they sent him to his room,

but, but this is what's so awesome. It goes all die hard, right? Because of course nobody knows these lands like the Prince. So Mike Loh manages to escape from captivity and use secret weapon catches like heath playing manhunt on the platform to turn the tables on his attackers. So eventually he rounds up Aachenbach and all his mercenaries and charges them with

treason and then finds them the equivalent of $35,000. He rounded up all the people, the guys with the helicopters and the jutskeys. This one guy. Yeah, he rounds them all up and then he charges them with treason and they Finds them 35,000 dollars which I would do I'll just take for a million dollars You're good and again if you think about it, that's pretty light for high treason right but yeah From another perspective a private citizen

Kidnapped a bunch of people at gunpoint and then held them for a $35,000. So fat potato potato. Yeah, it's all there is here. You're going here. It's international waters. He should have probably just probably married all together. There you go.

You know, I W. Right. I'm too good with each other. Nobody deserves to be in a poly relationship. Not for not the Eli, but I don't care how many historical examples you bring me. I'm still not buying the whole kidnapping a bunch of people and holding them for 35 grand ransom is often just a funny misunderstanding excuse, okay? Okay. Not again.

I got to go back like, I'm not sure you can kidnap your kidnappers. Like, is that how that works? We should probably check the Cland legal statute. It's just a double. Right. You can't trouble stamp a double stamps. Right. So not surprisingly, Ockinbog's home government gets involved as do the representative governments

of his mercenary team. So the governments of the Netherlands, Austria and Germany all petition the Brits to release the hostages, but the UK disavowed the imprisonment and cited the 1968 court decision. They're like, we don't know what we're talking about. That guy's just a boat on his own. Now clearly the courts could have sent some folks around to take care of the situation,

but my guess is they were like, eh, fucking AchaBox stormed the fucking platform with helicopters. We're talking to anybody killed to get him back. Yeah,, eh, fuck it, Acha-Box stormed the fucking platform with helicopters, we're talking to anybody killed to get him back. Yeah, and okay, I mean, that's also like Germany's national pastime. So yeah, I mean, K then really blame them. Right, our ball went over the fence

and the ball went, we had to get it. The ball was right over there. So ultimately, the German government decides to send in a negotiator from their London embassy. After several weeks of negotiations, Roy Bates eventually gives in and releases his hostages without compensation. Without compensation? Which means the several weeks of negotiations were just Roy listing ever less valuable things

in a German guy going, no, not that eater. Not that eater. Good news. There would be no further armed insurrections during the reign of Prince Roy. I'm not going to know, not that eater. Not that eater. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So there's a couple of ways of looking at this. First, it's just basic logic, in which case, no, but boom, that's boring, it's not a fucking country. Yeah, obviously. It's a rotten husk with a crazy guy on it, only sometimes. But there's an interesting legal case that can be made when Germany sent their emissary there.

See, when they did that, it was a de facto recognition of C. Lan Sovereignty. And when England told Germany, the Netherlands and Austria to pound sand, after Roy Kinnap, their citizens, you could say that that too was a de facto recognition. Oh my God, this is like a whole group of sovereign citizen listeners right now with their dicks and their licks.

Fetch less face to this where their dicks were to begin with. Their dicks are just looking out at them ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha two most common schools of thought for like the creation of statehood in international law are constitutive and declatory theories. In the constitutive theory, a state exists exclusively by recognition of other states. Now nobody ever like officially recognized Cland, but theory doesn't require that. It just requires that another state treats it as a state. And by sending an actual ambassador, there's no question that Germany did do that.

Now, C.L.A.D. actually fares even better under the declaratory theory, which requires only the state meet the minimal criteria for statehood. Yeah, okay. And remember, Germany invaded them. So that basically makes them part of the EU now. Exactly.

I think C.L.A.D.'s currency is worth more. Oh, oh, oh, oh. So in 1987, the UK extends their territorial waters from three to 12 nautical miles. So today, Cieland firmly sits inside British waters, but if it had already met requirements for statehood before that, it wouldn't matter, right? Like Ireland is within 12 nautical miles of Northern Ireland after all. I bet you still had to check that out of map. Well, you wrote a foreign side. You could have written anything and I would have said it was true.

Fun game for you to play in the future. Now, yeah, right? Of course, the UK and Germany are both among the 165 signatories to the United Nations Convention of the Law of the Sea, which went into force in 1994. And that treaty states, unequivocally, that, quote, artificial islands, installations, and structures do not possess the status of islands. They have no territorial sea of their own, and their presence does not affect the delimitation of the territorial sea, the exclusive zone, or the continental shelf." End quote.

But that's actually not a slam dunk either. See, that's clearly intended to keep a country from putting artificial islands every 12 miles until they own the entire ocean. Yeah. But that doesn't necessarily mean that an artificial island can't be an independent nation. All these colonizing countries are just shaking their head.

This was so much easier when it was just land, right? We call to that river. That's all the non-white people are saying, was it though? Was it really an average? How's your blanket? I know this all sounds like... And I know this all sounds kind of inconsequential as the platform's legal status, but a few people have actually tried to take advantage of it. So in 2007, the pirate bay attempted to purchase Sea Land after harsher copyright laws in Sweden prompted them to start looking for another home. There was also an attempt in 2000 to establish a data haven there called Havenco, but they'll

fall apart within a few years among rumors of legal disputes between the founders and baits. Okay. Established. They're a country. Do they do anything besides fail as a home for taunts of the transformer movies or so while sealant isn't recognized by any major international sporting body and its population couldn't fill out a football team. Even if they went Ironman and used the other teams kicker, the nation does have a proud sporting tradition. Apparently, there are plenty of eccentric athletes whose

own countries don't want them representing the homeland that are willing to take up the flag of Sea Land. Oh, hold on. People tend to be from Sea Land when their own homes don't want them. Exactly, Tom. If anyone from the Trump administration is listening, I guarantee they're checking right now to see if that goes both way. Right. So the first official athlete of C-Land was Darren Blackburn, a runner from Ontario. The first C-Landian medalist was Michael Martell, who won two silver medals while representing C-Land in the 2007 World Cup of Kung Fu. Oh my God, why are we not watching that right now?

But the favorite son and daughter of C-Land, the athletes guarantee to rouse the hometown crowd and the couple that would carry the torch if the International Olympic Committee would ever check their fucking spam folder. Our boys, Ryan Emma Hagerty, who brought C- sealant its first ever world championship in the 2008 world egg throwing championship Please say these were human eggs please Right there with you buddy like I don't watch sports, but I will get a SPN for this I'll start a fantasy link

I started a fantasy league when I was 13. Now, by the way, if you think C-Lant sounds like the place for you, I'm not sure one would go about moving there, but they'd be happy to sell you a title of individual nobility, including Lord, Baron, and Count. As of 2012, they also began publicly offering knighthoods and coats of arms. You could just go there by a coat of arms and then sleeve. Oh, my, it's on a... Shit, it's it.

It's a sleeve, cause it arms with a sleeve. So on October of 2012, Roy Bates died after battling Alzheimer's disease for several years. And insanity for all the years lead up to that too. Also, how could they tell? You're right. Alzheimer's disease for several years. And insanity for all the years lead up to that too. How could they tell? Yeah, right. He was succeeded in a peaceful transition by his son Michael, who currently resides in

Essex, England, because his country is a rotting husk of metal and a cold shitty choke of motion. So, yeah. So Essex, England. Yeah. All right. If you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? What would it be?

The birding station wasn't wet enough. Yeah. You need a moat. All right. So are you ready for some questions from our panel? Oh, I'm ready. All right. All right.

So you mentioned earlier that the C.L.A.N. National Anthem was an instrumental. And I feel like we should change that. So which of the following lines should appear in a rousing patriotic song about CLAN? A, oh, say can you see if you zoom in Google maps all the way? You can, by the way. B, God bless CLAN, land that I love, stand behind her, Gurgle, Gurgle, Gurgle.

That's what Trump was saying. He's okay. We're represented more of the lines than he knew. How about C, darling is better, down where it's wetter, take it from me. Or D, that's just true. Right? Or D, and crowns I good with brotherhood from

C to no wait. That's it. I'm going to go with B. Yeah, it was. Yeah, that is what Trump was saying. He was, he's also also a citizen of Cland. Not a lot of people know that. All right. Cland isn't the only place one can find dubious claims of self-importance propped up by grandiose titles with a little evidence of real rulership, which of the below is at least likely to be the true ruler of their fiefdom. Hey, the Burger King. Be the dukes of Hazard. See, Sir Mixelot.

He's a real knight though. He was. Or D. Queen Elizabeth. Okay, well, it's not D. Some of us are firm monarchists. So ignore, ignore that. I'm going to go with C. Sir Mixelot. You are. No, wrong.

That's baby has got back. Actually, that's not all babies have back. One particular baby. Dallas 2000. Sweet. Stressed. We're moving on. Capture the man.

Man, moving on. So clearly this place needs three brand and call itself New Zealand. And what would New Zealand be famous for a synchronized dance where you make faces and slap your chest. They could call it the Haka Reina. Nice.

I like that one. B, a fun deck game played with leftover construction washers, shuffle board of the rings. C, an adorable nickname for the citizen. C, weease, or D, because a limited land space scuba version of football, Glock B. He was, he was, he was Glock. We'd, I'll use Gurgle. Okay. Yeah.

It's pretty good. Pretty good. I'm going to go with D. Uh, no, it's C.W. It's always C.W. It's definitely C.W. It's because that's fucking adorable. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. C.W. For the win, buddy, I'm going to pick the guy who can't get mad at me because he's not here. Heath. Not here to defend himself. All right, with that, I'll toss it over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer. This week's Twitter question.

Thanks, Tom. Last week's assignment was, write a whimsical high coup about the Tulsa massacre. There were lots of great poems, but remember, we only read the ones that were retweeted or shared. This one comes from Aaron Mason on Twitter with this. Elevator pitch. Ended with a woman's scream. And hundreds of deaths. This week's question is, if you could add one law to C. Lance Constitution with the guarantee

of it being accepted, what would it be? Just retweet or Facebook share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Now, we're not going to be able to read the answer to this question for a few weeks, because the guys are all taking two weeks off at the beginning of July, so they pre-recorded several shows, but we'll be doing more questions mid-month. Don't forget to get your tickets to the live show on August 11th in Chicago. Back to you, Tom.

All right, well, for Eli, Noah, Heath, and Cecil, I'm Tom. Thank you for hanging out with us today. And we'll be back next week, and by then, Heath will be an expert on something else. To be now and then, you can hear Eli, Cecil, and I, that is not true over on cognitive Disney, to be able to wrote that as a liar, or in fact, you're adding that in.

Eli is not on the show, but only if you attach your headphones to separate devices that is also playing, got awful movies, let's skip the crack, but only if you attach your headphones to a separate device that is also playing on the show. Got awful movies. Let's skip the crap or this game, the eighthiest, then pretend that he's interrupting us. How'd you like to help this show going? You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com, slash citation pod, or leave us a five-star review, everywhere you can.

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