Citation Needed - Rasputin

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin (/ræˈspjuːtɪn/;[1] Russian: Григорий Ефимович Распутин [ɡrʲɪˈɡorʲɪj jɪˈfʲiməvʲɪtɕ rɐˈsputʲɪn]; 21 January [O.S. 9 January] 1869 – 30 December [O.S. 17 December] 1916) was a Russian mystic and self-proclaimed holy man who befriended the family of Emperor Nicholas II, the last monarch of Russia, and gained considerable influence in late imperial Russia. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

And so she says, but you admit she's pretty right? Did you say no? Would I be telling you the story if I had said no see so? That's fair, that's fair. No, uh How hey, hey buddy? Oh, how about some lemonade, huh? Thanks guys, you know, I am a little bit of thirsty. I'll. Oh my god. What is this poison heath quick the stairs I'm the gun Guys what was

Guys wait Guys Guys, wait. Guys. Tell me you stopped. What the hell? What the hell are you doing? We wanted to check and see if no one was resting. Why would you want to check for that? Well, you know, because of this week's episode, and he's...

Yeah, and he has... It, he has pretty hardy, so long hairs, hairs, you can see that. Yeah, Eli explained it earlier, it was very convincing. Yeah, he really was, I fell for that. Well, he's not a dispute, or he wasn't, I should say. And if you guys read the essay, a lot of that immortal stuff is anti-royalist propaganda. It's just fucking bullshit.

Oh, damn it. That's embarrassing. We die a lot. Well, I mean, you could write new endings that aren't exactly the same. You could write the opening sketch. Dying's fine. I thought so. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed.

The podcaster who chooses subject read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we are experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Cecil and I'll be organizing this hit squad. But it wouldn't be a squad without my high price assassins introducing first two guys you know how to pick their poison, Tom and Heath. Okay, about who doesn't pick the Iocaine powder? Any other answer is... about who doesn't pick the iacane powder any other answer is inconsistible yeah and according to fox news we're dealing with that plan war in a joker until that's a bad idea you don't get involved

and to fellas for whom the term shoot up has wildly different meanings elia and no uh... ok wildly different meanings, Eli and Noah. Okay, Cecil, I offered to serious for a moment. Three people on this show make their living doing shows like this and Tom and I, well, we may have to start making our living at this sooner rather than later. So if you like this show, we would ask that you go to patreon.com slash citation pod and donate on a per episode basis, even a dollar is worth a lot to us.

We put a lot of work into this and we would really appreciate your support. And if you are our current patron, we wanna thank you for that support. Plus, Kenneth Copeland is worth $750 million. So, like, you can't do it with a program, but you know what I'm saying? $750 million. That's a lot of millions.

That's too many millions. And with that, on the way, tell us, Tom, what person-place thing concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? Today, we'll be learning about a man whose central claim to fame appears to be being difficult, but not impossible to kill. That would be famed Charlton Rasputin. And no, are you ready to tell us how the Etruscan somehow produced Rasputin? Is that, is that where we're going? Tom, do I need to eat me if I didn't delete that part?

And did I eat you? Nope. So, okay, so who was Rasputin? What? Gory, yeah, Femovitch. Rasputin or... Mildet. Bunch of Cyrillic shit.

Who's born in the small, as was me in the sea. I thought you were gonna read that. I have been waiting since I read this essay like go after him. Right. Pretty sure that's just Gory, your Femovitcher is mutant. I have been waiting since I read this essay like go after it. Pretty sure that's just Gregory, your Fimilvicture is mutant. But he was new.

In the small Siberian peasant village, Pukrobskoya, man, Pukrobskoya, going with. In January of 1869, his dad was a farmer who also worked as a government career. His mother was pregnant. Pretty much forever. Eight kids in his family to survive past early adolescence. And as much as that makes it sound like his family had like a, it was like a perpetual hunger games type situation. That's actually fairly typical of the death toll among

peasant children in Siberia back then. Young man, you are not leaving this table until you absorb your brother's life essence. I gotta say, if I have to listen to one more screaming fucking YouTube idiot, none of my kids are gonna make a pastcence. Hey, Tom, we should be grateful for YouTubers without them. Who would us podcasters have to look down on? Mimes. I don't know. Mimes podcasters turn to stand up comedians in California. Oh, so no, she's like, I thought about it though, like one of his brother absorbed his essence and then his brother absorbed that essence and then his brother absorbed that essence and his brother. That one.

Exactly the right way to go. Jetly at the end of this thing pops out. Yeah. All right. So later rumors would suggest he was a pretty rampant just kid, but historians are quick to point out that we really don't know Jack shit about his youth. And there were plenty of efforts to smear his legacy after his death. So we have to take these stories with the greatest old still whether the stories are true or not, I think it's just a lot about a guy

when his 6000 word or so wiki bio contains the sentence, quote, local archival records contain no evidence of his being charged with stealing horses, blasphemy or bearing false witnesses. Okay, but that archive, it's just a yak in a snow forest. I mean, still though, it's like, technically true. It's just a weird thing to say. I just got to point out that by that logic, like the local archival records then implicate him in all the crimes they didn't just name. Exactly. Exactly.

Cyber stalking. He yeah, sure. Jesus. All right, so in 1897 at the age of 28 Resputed and found religion and left pokhruv scoya on pill rummage Now the sources to version why exactly left some say it was a genuine religious conversion involving a vision of the version Mary Others say he was escaping punishment for his role in a horse theft That's that's from a regional archival record, not local.

Yeah, that one was a bit of a yik-yak actually. I know it's nice. Now, others point out though, that one does not need a fucking reason to leave a Siberian peasant village other than leaving involves not being there anymore. But whatever the reason, he takes up on pilgrimage at the age of 28, dragging along a pregnant wife and an infant son. Honey, I swear the Virgin Mary isn't breathier than you. It's really interesting. I swear. It's not me.

All right. So he goes and he visits this monastery on pilgrimage and he returns a changed man. He becomes a vegetarian. He swears off alcohol and from the wiki quote, prayed and sang much more fervently than he had in the past. End quote. What? It seems like a weird scale to measure a person by anyway. It's at this point that he takes up his new job as a strenic or holy wanderer. Apparently this is a job you get just by walking around and saying you have it.

Okay. So the first podcast are cool. Yeah, pretty much. And as near as I can tell, that's also the only job responsibility you have to is walking around and saying that's your job. You just tell people, I'm holy. He traveled around and sang more, but he only sang holiday roads. So it got annoying really. No, no matter how many free bird requests, he turns them all down. No, absolutely.

Absolutely. That's a terrible song. Okay. So by the turn of the century, Resputeness managed to script together a small circle of loyal accolades who appreciate the fervency with which he prays and he starts holding a Sunday service in his dad's root cell. Yeah, they called him parsnip brown. They could have gone with pastor stony smell.

All right. That's pretty good. Of course, he's not officially a representative of the Eastern Orthodox Church, which actually kind of says something about the guy because that's a fucking weird religion, and they wanted nothing to do with this guy. They were like, you know what, we'll mix our bread and wine and spit together and call that communion, but we're not fucking a rep with red speweden. You get me? So his makeshift little church becomes the subject of suspicion and hostility in the local village. Rumors start cropping up that he has a cult, and that female followers are required

to ritually wash his nude body before the prayer meetings. Okay, but in fairness, our lady of sponge bath over there sounds like it has infinitely more bathing than your average cult. So like something. And it is really more bathing

than your average orgy. So, right, right. Yeah, well, no, there were also rumors of wild orgies. And while it's entirely possible that this is just like, you know, a village church spread rumors to undermine the competition, very similar rumors would follow Rasputin, all the hell away to St. Petersburg, 1800 miles away.

So odds are pretty solid. He was running a weird fuck called. Okay, but is there even any other reason to have a call if it's not a weird fuck called? Yes, no, right. Actually, if you don't fucking your call, you end up with the Jehovah's Witnesses and nobody wants that.

No, that's true. You're right. When there's a cult fucking orgy, is there etiquette on everybody like, takes a bath first, what, how does that work? They're better, Pete. Oh, I'd like to know. I'd like to know, I think it's a matter of around

the communal baby wipes, is that? I'd like Martha Stewart to do an episode on that. Interesting. Anyway, one way or the other, I don't want to fuck Martha Stewart in an orgy at a fuck club, as well as that. Two votes. Anyway, one way or the other, I want to fuck more of this Stewart in an orgy at a fuck club as well as that. Two votes.

Anyway, one way or the other, sex culture, no. Resputing got a pretty solid reputation. The thing about being a religious leader is that religion is all bullshit. So basically anybody who can bullshit, well, you can get a good reputation at this. Right? So that has a habit of fucking up though the official bullshitters who are trying to enforce specific bullshit, but Rasputin was charming and seemed authoritative. So no amount of Orthodox church denouncements of him. We're going to stop people from

blocking to him. And once the church saw that they realized that they really had no choice but to throw an arm around him and welcome him into their fold. Now, he never held an official position within the church, but most of the local church authorities eventually came to tolerate and even support him. Cool. Yeah. Today, we call that Republicaning or homophobia. Yeah.

Sin anem. Sin anem. Yeah. Sin anem. Now, among the church leaders he won over was a dude named Faeophan of Poltava, who is among other things, the occasional confessor of Sarnikilus II

and his wife, Sari Nalexandra. And Faeophan is so impressed with breastbutin that he invites him to come stay in his St. Petersburg home. He takes Faeophan up on the offer and quickly starts to ingratiate himself with the local aristocracy. How much shit did Sarniculous need to confess that his confessor was like, I'm gonna need a day off from this. I gotta help him. He must have run across Catherine's horse-based activities in the state.

No, there's some disagreement historically as to how and when Resputin met the Sauron Sarina, but this is citation needed for the purposes of this episode. I'm an expert. So I'm going to go with the funniest version and act like it's undisputed. Thank you, Noah. I support you. I support you. You would figured you would.

And that version is that as he's bouncing around high society in St. Petersburg, he learns that the Saur's eldest son is a sickly kid with a bleeding disorder and around that same time Resputed develops a magical whole the ability to heal specifically bleeding disorders and Begin spread rumors to that effect around town. It's a good skill It's also funnier to think that the kids bleeding disorder was that that is just occasionally he shoot blood everywhere like a pop mosquito That's funny or two. All right, so but regardless of how it comes about, Rasputin becomes the official healer to the SARS hemophiliac son, Alexi.

And while Rasputin didn't actually have any miraculous healing powers, all he had to do was better than the doctors of 1907, right? So when the royal family summoned him to pray over the young prince or a sort of itch, the kid recovered the next morning, which was almost certainly just coincidence, but it was plenty to convince the Sarina who basically believed whatever the hell rescued and told her from that day forward until she died stupid or until he died in the We have washing our hands and staying inside. So yeah, you fucking what we do We have we those are real things That's right. Yeah, it is all we have so for a while the doctors and other holy folk around the sarin sarina

We're able to keep respite in an arms length and eventually even got them sent back to the shitty little Siberian village But then in 1912 Alexi has an accident and a carousel develops a huge hematoma that damn near kill some so the doctors go to work to not have a much luck because medicine was still going to suck for quite a while yet and so the Sarina ends up sending a telegram to rescue and asking him to pray for the kid respite and famously sends back this reply quote god has senior tears and heard your prayers do not grieve the little one will not die do not allow the doctors to bother him too much. God just sent me some bleach in a black light on the way. Like all recipes and super power at this point is to be like keep them away from the doctors that will bleed him.

He's a hemophilia. That's just yeah, it's his superpower. Don't believe in him. He's a hemophilia. That's just, yeah, this is super power. Don't bleed him. Exactly. Yeah. So after she gets the reply, she, she doodifully sends the doctors away a couple days later, the bleeding stops. And historians have proposed a lot of explanations for this, but let's be clear, it is not in need of explanation. Now, history doesn't record all the time. She prayed for the kid and the bleeding didn't stop. It's coincidences plenty enough to explain this. That being said, some have proposed that sending the doctors away may have saved the

kids life. Given the timing and state of medical science, it's entirely possible that they would be like, well, they probably wouldn't be bleeding them, but they might be using aspirin on the hemophilia. Right? That would fuck him right up. It's also possible that a bunch of doctors poking around at him just scared the fuck out of him and stressed him out. But like I said, it's also possible that he just got better

because that's what people do every time except the time they die. Russian medicine, then and now was just punching you in the face with a handful of leeches. So, how the Russian people miss the leeches of yesterday year, let me tell you. I'm so soft. I don't think we can say a fucking thing about it though. But regardless of the explanation, Resputans ticket was punched. He moved back to St. Petersburg where the Sard gave him the job of a lamp at Nick or lamp lighter.

So basically his entire job was to make sure that the holy lamps in front of the religious icons in the palace didn't go out and then see to it that if they did. Someone else let them back up. Why? So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so I want to know what a boss later. All right, so that was the whole fucking job, which more it came with intimate access to the entire royal family and by every account Respeuton was going to make the most of that. Yeah, and that job now is called Presidential valet. There's three of them now. Sorry, two. Two of them now. to leech the boy for his health. Perhaps an epoxy of magru sounds like bullshit to me. That's fusion.

What's up? My lord, keep this hidden away. He will unbalance the boy's humors. Hey, fun fact, the humors were actually largely debunked by this time period. Lunar, Lunar. A pastate nerd. A pastate nerd. Shit, it's...

No, no, let's hear him out. What do you think, Russo? Honestly, if your choices are medical intervention of this nature or leaving him to fuck alone, I say we leave him to fuck alone. Very well, out the door, you go. I feel better already! Good enough to join my sex call.

What? I said, I said, glad you are feeling better, Alexi. Where do I sign, is there a sign up or... membership fees? You guys do like baths at the beginning. We lastly left the offer as buton's scored a sweet essential job during an economic crisis. What was this podcast called? Yeah, right, right. All right.

So, Rasputin has cemented himself as the Princess Personal Miracle worker. He's also put something of a spell over the Sarina. And by every account, he's seduced about one out of every five women he ever encountered in his life. So there are a lot of rumors about whether there were the two of them were fucking historians. He seemed pretty unanimous though that they probably weren't because Resputen wasn't that fucking stupid. But regardless, he had a lot of sway over her and over the czar and everybody knew this and he knew everybody knew this. So he made the most of it, often taking bribes in the form of cash or sexual favors to put

a good word in with the royal couple. Okay, that'll be 200 rubles. Well, that'd be assort check. Exactly, exactly. Now Neelis to say the Russian Orthodox Church was not a fan. Respued and had been able to charm the local Yoko's back in Siberia, but the holy sin had hated this motherfucker. They saw him as usurping their power and flirting with a lot of the new age spiritualism

that was really big at the time as well. Also, he fucked a lot of women and priests have a thing about that. What, like, they call dibs first or not on the women. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. They have a thing about fucking women. I should say, yeah. So they were pretty much constantly accusing him of religious harrassy, of rape, of everything that you could think to pin on them. And at the same time, rumors were being circulated about him fucking the sorry hey but she is a grown-up to share a

i'm a priest now at the same time the russian economy has fallen apart right there trying to maintain a modern military without a modern industrial base and the only way to do that is by a massing debt glad rush to learn that lesson early yeah i say it was to you i believe we did to you uh... they're trying to modernize, but that should cost money. Their population is to spread out, to uneducated, and they're trying to cling to this antiquated

as system of feudalism. So one way or the other, this country is doomed, right? Probably would have fallen apart even if World War I hadn't broke out, but then World War I broke out and accelerated the process. Okay, so what I'm hearing from Noah is we need a world war. Who we think in Belgium?

Belgium seems like a good bad guy for this one, right? We can go with Belgium. Great way, great place to start one anyway, yeah. So in a fun little loop by the sword, die by the sword moment, Resputant takes a shit done a blame for all these titanic, economic and industrial forces. Right, he rose to power because he happened to be the one that said amen most recently when the kid recovered,

but now that same before therefore because fallacy says he showed up in the royal court right before the economy went to hell and the war broke out. Therefore it is his fucking fault. And suddenly an awful lot of aristocrats and religious leaders think that the country would be doing great if it wasn't for that damn recipe. So they decide to kill a man. Remember when we killed people from making the Dow go down? Back in the day, some of them even had the decency to do it themselves. It was really nice back when it was just one guy. Yeah, we were so innocent back then. since he did it themselves. It was really nice. Back when it was just one guy.

We were so innocent back then. All right, so the first assassination comes in 1914 right before the war breaks out. A peasant woman stabs him in the stomach at his house in Pukro Skoya. And this almost does the trick. He's seriously wounded in the attack, but after the surgery and a little recovery time in the hospital,

he's back at work lighting those lamps or making other people do it. Now, the would be assassin claims she worked alone and did it because she thought he was the anti Christ, but she had been involved in an anti-Resputant plot with a whole bunch of people back in St. Petersburg before that hadn't hand out. So that's bullshit. Yeah. Right. Right. Incidentally, she wasn't found to be responsible for her actions because, you know, who the fuck didn't want to stab Rasputin ultimately?

I know this sounds super weird to our listener. So to help you understand, imagine the same scenario, but move it to modern J Georgia and make Rasputin black and make it on the sides. Oh, since we'll get a lamplighter, that would have been the other time the lights went out in Georgia. That's a little insolent. I love it. That's phenomenal.

All right, so when that didn't work, few nobles hashto plot to take refuge in out themselves. It's December of 1916 at this point. The war has been raging for over a year. Now social unrest is so bad that there were all three months away from the Russian revolution. And part of the reason, by the way, is that the people running the country are so fucking stupid that they think that they can halt imperial decline by killing the jackass mystic who reads the Sarina's horoscope wrong. Okay. In fairness, that was Marianne Williamson's campaign slogan, what you just said. Yeah, that is really stupid. Our current method involves, let's see, two fingers, two ears,

and a rousing rendition of la la la la la la. Yeah. Yeah. Killing it. All right. So three conspirators are involved. Felix, you'll support a future husband of the Sars nieceice and long-time rich guys, Kent. Jared Kushner got it. Yep. Yep. Oh, yeah, actually. You got Demetri Pavlovich, Grand Duke, and guy who's salivated when you rang a bell. Sarah Huckabee Sanders got it. And Vladimir Purushkovich, a right- politician in ultra nationalist anti-Semite. Anybody else in the administration? God, I really say up for that.

As a gimmick, Leah. All right, so the three of them get together and lore dispute into Michael Palace, this particularly huge residence of the Yusufal family. Okay, Epstein goes to the palace, got it? Yep. And at that point, you feel like the job's done, right? You've lured the guy you wanna kill to the palace that is yours, where he is surrounded by no one but you

and your co-conspirators. They probably had this feeling like, eh, you know, we're pretty much there, but it turns out that Resputin was unusually hard to kill. Oh, okay, never mind a analogy. Brickstown. Epstein was real easy. All right.

So according to you, you suppose later retelling the story, they show up at the palace around midnight with the promises of some booze and a fuckable lady or two. But first, they sit down to tea and cakes, which seems like weird pre-orgy food to me, but I guess when you're a aristocrat, who'd help us? What's your favorite pre-orgy food? Can we talk about the etiquette of these situations? A little bit more?

Like are you two, are you going to? Like chicken wings, what's your preferred? Yeah, I could do wings. Wing is a bad idea. Well, I would say boneless. I'd say boneless. Because then you got wings sauce on your fingers. You're the vet.

You're the vet. You gotta go boneless. You don't want a competing boneless, you go with one to go on this. You don't want a Compeake. You don't want to start sticky. Um, yeah. Okay. So, but Rasputin's T and cake are laced with cyanide.

So they all eat the cakes and they sit back down and they wait for them to die, but he doesn't. Instead, he asks if they have any wine. So they poison some wine and give them to do that. And then he drinks three fucking glasses of the poison wine and still refuses to die. It feels like wasting wine to

poison it, right? The first batch didn't maybe even a waste of poison, like this is obviously. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. So okay, so you supolved and the conspirators head upstairs talked this shit out. And ultimately they land on just shoot the motherfucker, right? He's in their house. Um, so they know that have a long no no you shoot him conversation before it's decided that you supolved is going to pull the trigger. A pebble of it gives him the gun. Uh, he heads downstairs says, Hey, would you look at that over there and then he shoots for his chest. There he says. for his people to come to the ground.

Usabov says, uh, yep, dad, no reason to check for any breathing. I'm sure one bullet is plenty. I have no need to be with you. Yeah, they should have used poison bullet. No, that wouldn't. Yeah. He has three or four poison bullets. He's like, let me get some more.

Why? It's like, shoot me again, that was really good. Yeah. It's like they're trying to conserve this for like later assassinations. Like, I don't want to use to you. Right. Yeah. It's just, you know, all right. So killing him apparently, that's only half the plan. They still have to cover up their crime because the Sarina is going to be pissed. So the guy out of the three of them that looks the most dispute and size tosses on his hat and his coat, they drive over to this place. They make a big show of going inside

and leaving the hat and coat and shit, hoping that people report that they saw a dispute and return that night. Yeah, we can't at Bernie Getzes was not. I'm telling you, he was here. He even said his usual, you know, you lululul doing rest, built and stuff, rest, built and stuff is my favorite stuff. Yeah, right, right. Strange how the same number of people left that showed up, but yeah,

okay. Anyway, so with this masterful ruse taking care of, they head back over to the palace to dispose of the body. Problem, of of course is that it's still breathing and running around and shit. You spoke those back down to the basement to grab an ankle and get the sewing or whatever when suddenly Rasputin leaps up and attacks the dude. Then he holds ass out into the courtyard yelling back about how he's going to tell the Sarina on them. So it gets a couple dozen yards out to the courtyard before he collapses into the snowbank because alive or not, he was still shot in the chest and poisoned that night.

Jesus. Um, so Parish Gavitch follows mine. I mean, shoots this slow ass a couple more times. And then he makes sure like he puts one right between the eyes. The three guys wrap up the body and cloth, drive it to the Petrovsky bridge and drop it over the side. But in the stage coaster, I was buting bolts up wearing a hockey mask. Yeah.

So despite the clever subterfuge with the hat and coat, rumors of Resputin's death are circulating even before they find his body. In fact, apparently a cop showed up with two soldiers to investigate the sound of gunfire and Pereshkovich like talked openly about the murder but asked them not to tell anybody about it. All right, it's like being a fucking being an aristocrat in Russia was like being white in Georgia apparently. So his body was found a few days later, no more than a few hundred feet from the bridge that they dumped him over.

By then a lot of rumors have developed about how he was killed and how many shots and stabs and shit Look, so the wiki article spends How many poison cakes does it take to kill Mixing the head does it take yeah But when I love those that the wiki article has spent a weird amount of time pointing out ways in which his body had not been Made-related because all this for example this whole section concludes with this sentence quote some later accounts claim that Respieutance penis had been severed but Corrosal talk the dude who did the autopsy found his genitals intact and

What the people in his sex culture just taken it as a trophy. They could mount, you know who did the autopsy found his genitals intact. And what? The people in his sex culture just taken it as a trophy they could mount, you know? And the guy comes out of the autopsy room, his dick is okay. Two hours later, it's got a suction cup on the base of it. It's all right. So Rasputin was buried on January 2nd in a small ceremony that was attended only by the royal family and a few of their intimate friends, notably uninvited.

Were Rasputin's wife, his kids, and his mistress? Yes. Because, yeah, apparently they were too low-brow to be at a funeral with his son, sorry. That's fair. If you had to summarize it, you learned in one sentence, no, what would it be? I was just probably just overthinking it with the IOK and powder honestly. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Are you ready for the quiz? I've always been ready for the quiz. All right, Noah, if you had to kill a... BEEP. How would you do it? OK. A. BEEP.

No. B. BEEP. This is totally worth it. C, or D. Okay. Yeah, no, that joke was definitely worth playing all the way out. Eli, I reject the premise. Where would I even get a poisonous fleshlight? It doesn't make fucking so much Jesus Christ.

What part would you poison? All right. Rasputin was assassinated, but he nearly lived to die another day. Why did the assassins ultimately succeed? A, the poison was from Russia, with love. B, the assassins had a license to kill. Where C is favored physician was Dr. No. All right.

None of those are great. I'm gonna go with A, Russia with Love was the best of the three. Yeah, they weren't that good. They really weren't. Should've tried the lung-sensored bit. Okay. Okay.

We're on a workshop. We're on a workshop. Fall. Nope. So, when you invite a cult leader to a meal, so you can kill him with poison, what's the proper dish to serve like etiquette wise? A, the people's tempeh. B, heaven's ghetto, orc.

Anything from the brunch to video Brunch to video It's gotta be see brunch to videos. That's brilliant and and I've been open a restaurant called that now that is also correct So good and because of that he chose the right one Noah wins this week awesome All right, well, you know what it's been a while. think all the wishes suffer through an Eli essay one more time. What a terrible idea What Next week I bet you do I need to know I got a thing I'm gonna be in Finland. Okay. I didn't write anything here so I'm just gonna have you guys still in for all the guys

Thank you for hanging out with today here and we'll be back next week I'm gonna be on some to know it's their guys that do show with like once a week I don't really remember To be now and then they do shows and Tom and I do a show and you know find out by going to citation pod I come you can find that out if you like to help us keep the show going, you can make a per episode, donation to patreon.com, slash citation pattern. That's really important, very important, as important as the five star review, which you can leave wherever you can.

The first one's more important. But the money's more important. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out raspy.com. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Right, but you know, bad economy.

It also has casualties. I'm sure you understand. Okay.