Citation Needed - Robert Hanssen

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

Robert Philip Hanssen (born April 18, 1944) is an American former Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) double agent who spied for Soviet and Russian intelligence services against the United States from 1976 to 2001. His espionage was described by the Department of Justice as "possibly the worst intelligence disaster in U.S. history."[3] Hanssen is currently serving 15 consecutive life sentences without parole at ADX Florence, a federal supermax prison near Florence, Colorado. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

I'm telling you, it's totally underrated. Venom with Tom Hardy. I mean, okay, it's not perfect, but imagine they could do two or three movies. Woody Harrelson has carnage. It's gonna be so good, man. He's like, he's like 60. You're like 60. Oh, there they are.

Buddy, what up? Friends. Hey, guys. What's with the, uh, boot nearest? Oh, these, these large, uh large boutonaires that we're wearing. We just felt like dressing up. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Let's talk about that. What are our secrets to podcast stuff? Yeah. Yeah, I just, you know, I feel like we don't,

we don't talk about that very much, you know? So maybe like, yeah, like clearly, very loudly, please, just, yeah, into the beginning of the show. Yeah, just like you're talking to those. Oh, okay. I see what's happening here. Uh, you do? Yeah, this week is about, we're doing the episode about Robert Hansen,

who despite clumsily revealing himself to be a spy several times didn't get caught I mean, it's and you guys want to make sure you do the best job possible really make it sing, huh? Yep, that's it You got it you caught us yep, we're hey. What can I say? I'm a hard worker. That is that's yeah That's what I always say about you again Yeah. Okay. So the first secret to podcasting is turning your microphone on. Oh, that's a good one. That's useful. On. That has an on Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Noah Luzzins and you can think of me as your handler for this evening, but you, dear listener, are too hot

to handle alone, so I'm gonna need a few assets. First up, two men who think double agents means they have twice the cream filling in the center time and ELA. Okay, Noah, if letting the Iatola and James Bond Eiffel Tower of Me was the wrong way to gather intelligence, then I don't wanna be right. I don't want to be right.

I feel like twice the cream is a, that's just lose, lose. That's just, that's just, that's just, and also joining us tonight are two guys who have asked the DMB of Cork, which line is for the license to kill the beef and the Cecil?

Yeah, Ohio has that line at Dick's Sporting List, so, no, that's right, to go to the DMB. Yeah, they always point me towards the police academy. Huh? Yeah, right. You're in Chicago. Now, of course, before we get started, I wanted to take a second to thank our patrons. If it wasn't for them, I couldn't get the rest of my dental work done, and I would always sound like this. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show.

And with that out of the way, tell us Eli, what person plays think concept phenomenon or event? Well, we'd be talking about today. We'll be talking about incredibly successful failed spy, Robert Hans cheese is crazy. All right, so Tom, you stared in a lot of words about this subject or a medium amount of words. I don't know. Are you ready to be debriefed?

No, I come debriefed every show. It's standard really. We didn't want to know that. Okay, so command to brief every show. It's standard. Really didn't want to know that. Okay, so a man knew it was Robert Hansen. Okay, well, generally, I like to start off these stories by highlighting any thematic elements from the story that feel particularly germane to the state of our world now.

I try to find parts of these stories that cross time and touch in some way on the climate of the moment or which just scribes some part of our zeitgeist. And while this story, it does all of that, I have to admit that the light that the story shines on the state of current affairs, it shook me a little. This is the story of Robert Hanson, former FBI agent, and the longest known spy to betray America. I say known, because as you'll learn from this story, there is absolutely no reason to feel confident

that basically the entire FBI isn't just a massive employment agency for Russian spies. She's based on how well they're doing and everything. They aren't even trying. Is it comforting thought? When you think of it, yeah. That's right. Double agents or no, they were all working for Russia

during the Trump period. Oh, she's she was emails though. Come on. Yeah. So Hanson was born right here in my hometown of Chicago. Sorry. That was like a real argument. Somebody had to.

That's the saddest part about the whole thing is the buttery. That's why we had this real. It's been so many years, guys. So Hanson was born right here in my hometown of Chicago in 1944. There is not a lot of detail on about his childhood or early life, other than his dad being both a cop and emotionally abusive. A pair of details, which seems both self-evident and redundant. After high school, Robert went to Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois, and earned a nerd degree

in chemistry in 1966, after which his first attempt to work in government spying failed when he applied to the NSA to be a cryptographer and did not get the job. So you're saying he couldn't crack it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's terrible, don't, don't do that. Naturally, he did it from failed cryptographer with a chemistry degree and enrolled in dental school at Northwestern University. But since he wasn't a claymation elf, he abandoned that line and again, shifted his focus to business and earned an MBA in accounting and information systems in 1971.

Yeah, back when you could get a college degree for a couple sizzler coupons and recovered couch change. Yeah. Right. Now he'd have, he'd have, if he had that many degrees, he'd have Sally made dibsies tattoos on both arms and one way. He worked as an accountant for a year before quitting because that sounds terrible. And following his father's footsteps, joining the Chicago police as a forensic accountant in their eternal affairs department. For Benzick accountant for eternal internal efforts, that sounds like the place

kicker of the police. This too proved not to hold lasting appeal and he again pursued work with the federal government in security this time successfully. In 1976, the FBI made an unbelievably enormous mistake and hired Robert Hanson. It would take them an unbearably long time, but they would come to deeply regret that decision. The federal bureau of investigation. Strike three for white guys since 1908. A quick note.

Well at Northwestern, Robert Hanson met and married Bernadette Bonnie walk. This detail isn't super important and it is not going to come up again in the broader context of the story. So I'm actually going to go hijack here, the timeline of the story to offer some details from their relationship and I'm going to do it for a reason. Well, I'm glad to hear that Tom. It's not just an hour move. Now I'm going to list all the shoes he owned, moan.

Because you the listener will just listen. Here's what they always ordered on Wednesday night. There you go. So most of the detail I can find folks is so much on what Robert did in terms of all the spying we're gonna talk about, but they don't really get into who he was. And I think that's important stuff. And knowing a little bit about what kind of person he was in his personal life, actually explains a lot of his behavior in his spying life.

Okay, well, like so far the theme of his life seems to be failing at ever more shit. So I'm gonna guess that marriage was solid. Yeah, you guessed right. So who was Robert Hansen, the man and not just the spy? Well, on the outside outside he was fairly normal. He had a bunch of boring kids, they did boring life stuff, and they went to church a lot.

But Robert was a total freak. Unbeknownst to Bonnie, Robert would sometimes invite his buddy Jack, and I am not even kidding about the name, to secretly watch through the bedroom window while Robert and Bonnie had sex. And I guess after some time that wasn't enough, and so Robert moved on to secretly videotaping his sexual activity with his wife and sharing the tapes with his buddy Jack. And then somehow that too proved not to be enough so he rigged a hidden camera in his

bedroom to a closed circuit TV line so that Jack could watch clandestinely from the guest bedroom of his own house in real time. Well Robert and Bonnie were fucking. Hey honey, I found two of my menstrual cups connected by a string in your tree house. Why? It's weird that a cop would initiate body camera footage. He starts fucking during Seinfeld. Seriously, 705 at root. I'm DVRing, you're fucking.

I'm DVRing it. So Hanson, the super secret spy who would have loude the FBI for decades, he also frequented a DC area strip club and he had a relationship with a stripper named Priscilla Sue. That's not real. That's not real. It's not even a good stripper name either though. Priscilla Sue accompanied Robert on a trip to Hong Kong and I swear to you that I am not making this up. He even took her on a trip

to tour the FBI's training facility in Quantico. That was... I guess, he just, he's like, you don't do tours. Just don't do tours. Bring your mistress to work day. I don't know how that... It's actually pretty cool. Halfway through, you get attacked by a shark and the guy's like, oh no, what are we going to do? I'm not black people throughout the 70s and 80s. And so now, so that relationship cost him $80,000 in money, trips, jewels, and a Mercedes among other gifts.

Now I will admit, I am not a national security expert, but if I were looking for a spy, the guy who is into giving people secret videotapes and having secret relationships and who take secret trips and spend tens of thousands of dollars on extravagant shit on an FBI agent salary, that guy might be someone worth looking into. Okay, but those are also good bullet points on the resume to be a spy. And the FBI was looking for a spy. Yeah.

Well, okay, but in this instance, I feel like they should hire Jack. Right. That's a really good point. So back to the spine. Remember the Hanson was hired by the FBI in 1976. That's when he started work. So in 1979, he had moved to New York

and was assigned to evolve things, compiling a database of Soviet intelligence for the counterintelligence unit. That same year, Hanson approached the Soviet main intelligence unit and offered his services as a spy. Unlike other spies, Hanson wasn't motivated by any political ideology. He just had a lot of fucking kids and he needed the money.

And the Soviets were only too happy to accept. Okay, how do you apply for that job? You just walk in? And you're just like, ah, I wanna be a double agent. I'm not a triple agent. I promise, I'm not that. I'm an even number of agents.

It's even, and I would like to have a job, please. Yeah, if anyone asks though, I'm the square root of negative one number of agents. Not one of those agents. All right. It's an imaginary number. It's a not real.

This is what I was going for, but you got it. Yeah. Yeah. He eats a Madeline and then he's gay. Proust nailed it. You know about things too. I'm doing my thing. He eats a Madeline and then he's gay. Pruced. Nailed it. You know about things too. I'm doing my thing.

He does it. Madeline's make you gay? Apparently. Huh. If you're going to the one sentence, Eli knows about Pruced when he's asked. I'm not a madeline. Multiple sentences. If I eat an even number of them, I straight though.

Like, ooh. Game, straight, game, straight. You put two in your mouth at one time, you're buying. So during his first stint as a spy, Hanson did a huge amount of damage to the United States at a time when the Cold War was in full swing. He provided the Soviets with details on who the FBI was bugging, and he provided lists of suspected Soviet intelligence agents. But the most significant damage was his betrayal of Soviet double agent Dmitry Poliakov. Poliakov was working as a CIA informant, and he was a big goddamn

deal at the time in the Soviet Union. While working for the CIA, Poyakov rose up the ranks of the Soviet military leadership until he'd become a general in the Soviet army. An asset like that, in 1979, would be of immeasurable intelligence value, and Hansen ratted him out to the Soviets. The Soviets, after their mole was confirmed by yet another spy.

Jesus. This time a traitor in the CIA by the name of Aldrich Ames, Poliakov is arrested and executed, though this didn't happen until 1986, likely because after Hanson betrayed him, double agent Poliakov tried to save his own skin by working as a triple agent. That's really happened.

You just did it every time. Triple right. Right. Passing the C.A. bad intel for seven years before this Soviets finally got bored and killed him. Yeah. See, that's why it's not a perfect plan. But for whatever it's worth, Hansen right now is the hero in Russian citation needed episode about pull your car.

In 1981, Hansen was transferred to DC, where he was given access to even more sensitive information. In DC, Hansen was one of the first guys to be known within the bureau as a computer expert and he frequently annoyed his colleagues with his extremely ironic and accurate warnings of the poor security of the FBI's information systems and their overreliance on paper files and not getting what the programs. By 1984, Hanson transferred to the Soviet Analytical Unit. The Soviet Analytical Unit was responsible for, primarily, identifying and capturing Soviet spies. Nice.

Robert's unit specifically was in charge of evaluating whether or not potential Soviet spies were the real deal, or whether they were acting as redoubled agents. They're so stupid. Okay. How many levels of like counter counter counter counter counter intelligence do we have in the United States? We need one more at least. We're so many levels down at this point agents are having karate fights on the ceiling.

But seriously, every time you get caught, you just add one to your title. And I couldn't tell you guys because then the other guys would have known that I was not an odd number. Like how do you? To naturally handsome realize that he was now in the perfect position to make some more money selling out his country in 1985. Robert wrote a fucking letter to the KGB offering to spy for them in exchange for a hundred thousand dollars. The letter was anonymous as Hans was careful to keep his identity secret, so he had a proof he had the goods.

And to do that, he included his, like, spy resume letter, the names of three KGB agents who had been turned and were working for the FBI. Two of these men were recalled to Moscow immediately and executed. The third was arrested and imprisoned for six years before being released under a general amnesty for political prisoners, and he eventually emigrated to the US. So he was a Russian spy for two different Russian government agencies at the same time. It stood as the Hillary Clinton of treason, but you know, with actual treason. Despite losing three assets in very short order, Hanson escaped detection because the same three guys

They had also been betrayed by the CIA trader I mentioned before, Aldrich Ames And since both Hanson and Ames gave the Soviets the same info It had the effect of not only verifying for them that Hanson wasn't fact legit, but it also deflected attention from Hanson when Ames was eventually caught. The timing of both agents inadvertently betraying the same people at the same time from two different agencies meant that Hanson was able to operate outside suspicion for far longer than will make any sense at all. Okay. See, this is why you need the blockchain.

You need to. Oh, yeah. Important. I own this JPEG, you're my son. No Eastern blockchain. That's great. Hansen was then given the explicit assignment of finding out who the mole was that had betrayed the KGB double agents.

Really? The ones he had himself just betrayed. This story has so many more wacky, first elements than I was expecting. So Hansen's job was to wake up in the morning and go to work and investigate a crime that he himself not only committed, but which was committed to add veracity to his spy resume offer. So of course, Hanson not only didn't include his own name in the study of suspected spies for the FBI, but he also finished that study

and then provided a copy of that study to the Soviets in addition to his bosses at the FBI. So, Hanson, this is great. You turned in your report in English and Russian. So, this will come up in more detail later, but Hanson was not some like ultra brain super criminal who never made mistakes. In a just regular debriefing with a Soviet defector, Hansen committed a serious security

breach and he revealed to the defector sensitive information. Robert's underlings noted the breach and they reported to their surprovisor, but and you will eventually notice a theme, no action was taken. Okay, but how did your phone password even come up in conversation, Rob? Like, I can't even think slip of the way. You were comparing? Why'd you go first?

In 1989, the FBI was investigating Felix Block, a State Department official suspected of and very likely guilty of espionage. We'll never know though, because Hanson tipped the KGB of that investigation. The investigation ultimately went nowhere and Block was never charged with a crime, though he was fired and lost his pension. The FBI knew they had a mole in their department, but they did not yet suspect Hansen. All right, well, if there's anything we know about the FBI, it's that they're going to

need a minute, so we're going to take a quick break for a little apropole of nothing. You wanted to see me, sir? Yes, Hansa, come on in. Hansa, there's no easy way to say this, but some of your behavior has come under suspicion. Oh, how so? Well, for instance, all of your facts seem to be C-C's to this guy, Michael G. Who is that? It's, it's Mikhail, but yeah, he works in accounting. Um, you said top secret spy info to a guy in accounting named Mikhail G. Yep. Yeah, you know, just expense reports and stuff.

Okay, well, about the report you just turned in, you know, list of American double agents. Oh, did I have to start? Wow, wrong office. Wrong office, so... I mean, yeah, this one was supposed to go to the expense reports. I see. And the other day, when you left your diary out in the break room, open to a page that says, I sure do love being a Russian spruxion. We thought that was a little, that was a test.

And whoever found it, the past. Congratulations. I mean, Hansen, I gotta say, this is all pretty. I found out a black guy in New York wants to buy a gun Hansen your promote to get me all the info you can as quick as you can. We'll do sir. I just hope it's not too late And we're back when we last left off. I was antagonizing the FBI on a zoom call. It's gonna be public. So Tom, tell me more about how incompetent they are. That happens. Well, Hanson kept up all his spying. He provided information on the US intelligence efforts collected through radar satellite and spy intercepts, which that was all super important stuff, but he also totally blew the whistle on a spy project that is so wonderfully absurd that you were going to think I made this up. The Soviets were building a new embassy,

and the FBI had no shit, dug a a tunnel beneath the building right up to and underneath the embassies depot it's amazing. The FBI planned to use the tunnel to hang out right under the fucking embassy and get like all kinds of secret stuff for it, but they never did because in exchange for $55,000, handsome blue the FBI shit up and disclose the existence of the tunnel, rendering it useless as an intelligence asset. He also periodically sold the Soviets lists of double agents so they could either be recalled and killed or turned from double agents into triple agents.

Okay. Okay. Some guy has to have the record for being like a duo decouple agent. Or whatever it is. It's gotta be some crazy amount of it. And every meeting was the war. It was like a giant who's on first.

It was like, duo de couple. Oh, what level are you on? Somebody, you gotta line people up. Gotta try out a chart. Do you want me to want you to want, God, I lost it. I lost it. It's too many.

In 1990, Hanson's own brother-in-law figured out and told the FBI that Hanson was the mole. He deduced this because the brilliant and elusive Robert Hanson left a huge pile of fucking cash on the dresser and his wife told her brother about it. Oh, and also because Bonnie told her brother Mark about how Robert hoped to retire to Poland, which in 1990 was part of the Eastern block and not exactly on anyone in the West lists of like hot places to retire. Still listen, Hanson's brother-in-law reported all of this to Hansen's supervisor, who took no action. Yeah. Well, his work attire also had an embroidered kick me on a Russian spy on the back of the suit. Yeah. Right, he shows up to work every day with

a giant flavor, flavor, flavor size KGB. It's time for spy. brother turns them in and they're like, come on, man, be serious. Now if you hear about any little old Jewish ladies that we can put to death very publicly, that is worth coming to my office. Let me know. Killed two old Jews because they were Jews. Raycon. The Soviet Union collapsed in 1991 and Hansen paused his spying for a hot minute, probably out of fear that the upheaval and chaos would make his contacts less secure.

That spiatus laughing. Spiatus, I love it. That's fantastic. Can we pause it? Spiatus. Really? That's myatus. Go ahead.

That's spiatus lasted a whopping 10 months because that stripper was going to pay for her own Mercedes, I guess. No, no. So Hanson tried to reestablish contact with Nal Russia and he was super smooth about the whole thing. So what he did is he went to the Russian embassy and he approached a GRU that's formerly KGB agent in the parking garage and he was like like, hey man, my code name was Ramon. I'm totally legit.

You should give me some money. The Russian agent didn't believe him and drove away. Ramon sounds made up. That's for Daniel. That was his code name. They so didn't believe him actually, that they complained about it to the State Department, thinking that it was a super

clumsy triple agent. So it's at this point. Hands in his show his face. He had disclosed his super secret spy code name. He told them I'm from the FBI and the state department and the FBI. They didn't figure it out more again. The entire FBI lined up in pairs. Okay.

Okay. What would he say that he would say that the third one would say that would say that you, is he a liar? Would he say the last five, say the original one was liar? At a certain point in the story, Hanson had to think he had magic power, right? Like there had to be a day where he walked around the office just picking up staplers, like, can anyone see me? I'm a spy. I'm a spy. Okay, free stapler, free stapler for Rob. Robert was not a smooth operator back in the 80s. And he was not getting better at any of this.

In 1993, he hacked into a coworker's computer and he searched around to see if he could find any evidence that he was being investigated. And to cover his digital tracks before signing off, he printed some shit out from his coworker's computer and he was all like, and this is a quote, you didn't believe me when I told you the system was insecure.

Even though nobody was amused by this, they believed he really was like white hat hacking and not just showing up to work a half hour late and holding donuts and pretending he didn't actually oversleep. It's right, man. Should we try that shit with anything else? I told you your wife's panty drawer wasn't secure, man. You asked me, do you think my marriage is going well? I fucked your wife's panty drawer, wasn't secure, man. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. You asked me, do you think my marriage is going well? I fucked your wife.

You should be thanking me like I did for. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Why aren't people logical? Ah, ah, ah, ah. In 1994, Hanson attempted a transfer to the National Counterintelligence Center, but he was told after applying for the transfer that applicants would have to take a lie detector test. So he promptly withdrew his application.

Again, just for those in the back, the FBI is actively looking for a mole and this did not raise any red flags with anyone. In 1997, convicted FBI spy, Earl Edwin Pitts, told the bureau that he suspected that Hansen was also a spy. This was now the second FBI agent, one who was a fucking spy himself, and the other who was disguised brother-in-law who was like, dude, it's's Bob and still no action was taken and no investigation was launched. So, I'm going back. He applied for position and they were like, oh cool, here's the lie detector test coming up tomorrow and he was like, nope, just kidding, not applying for that. He made a U-turn at the spy sobriety. I was like, I probably had to dig a shit really matter.

Something. Well, also not for nothing, but you can fool a lie detector test by pretending you aren't lying. That's so hard. You can fail one by telling the fucking truth. Yeah, right. It is. You needed another example of what a super spy this guy was.

It's a full of fucking polygraphs. needed another example of what a super spy this guy was. A fucking polygraph was not quite up to squeezing his but all. So that same year, the same year, Hanson's computer got all fucked up. And when that happens at the FBI, they don't just send some guy named Carl from IT to come around and clear the cash. IT investigators from the National Security Division took one look at his computer, they ordered him pounded since it had been clearly fucked with. And when they looked into it, they discovered that Hanson had installed a password cracking

program on his fucking FBI work computer. And when they confronted Robert about the unauthorized hacking software, Clint Dessteinly installed on an FBI computer. Hanson told them, I love this so much. Hanson told them he installed it because I am not making this. He is a hard time installing a color printer without the admin password. So we just figured he can install an illegal password hacking program onto his machine. He was let off with a warning and no further action. Hey Bob, we also found this gold plated silence pistol in your desk.

I told you guys I was having problems with the printer. Okay, to be fair though to Hanson, if anyone has worked in an office where an admin password managers at all, they all completely understand where. Right. If you need a black and white, why do you need a color printer? Now we're printer. For the gold printers, we're the spy. We're on the graph side. I would literally betray my country before I would call Julie one more time.

Yeah. Yeah. Can he, can he one do three? I'll kill you, Julie. I'll kill you. I'll bear fucking hands. At this point, Hanson felt comfortable that he wasn't under suspicion and he connected again with the Russians. He continued to spy for eight more years and I do have to give him some credit here. Part of why he was successful was because even though he was a tech guy before there were

tech guys, he kept his spy tactics very low-key and very low-tech. With the notable and dim-witted exception of his attempt to establish a new Russian connection after the collapse of the Soviet Union, he refused to meet his handlers in person. To pass information, Hanson used a very old-school dead drop system and used a mathematical code when discussing dates for the drops. When it was time to deliver documents, he would take a garbage bag like full of secrets to the underside of a wooden bridge and put a piece of white tape on a nearby sign to indicate that the drop had been made.

It's a normal thing for people to do. That's just standard. He never met or handed anything to anyone and he never tried to pass informational electricity. Just him and Aldrich Ames walking up the same sign. They're like, hey, hey, what are you? I'm just doing tape stuff. What are you doing?

Also tape tape. We're just tape. You want to go have these on the tape from now on? Again, in 1994, the FBI and the CIA formed a joint mole hunting task force looking for an operative they named Grey Suit. They formed a list of all the agents who had access to all the compromised operatives and they began working through that list. Fortunately, in 1998, they began relying on the FBI's

criminal profiling techniques, which is completely unscientific nonsense, and so naturally led them to focus their efforts on the wrong guy. The task force became fixated on a CIA agent named Brian Kelly. The CIA searched his home, they tapped his phone, they bugged his car, and they put him and his family under constant surveillance. They were so convinced that they had their guy. They said what might be the most like Bugs bunny-esque trap that I have ever heard of. They sent a guy with a funny accent to walk up to Kelly at his house

Just one random day and tell them that the FBI knew he was a spy and immediately met a metro station. The next day, it was scape to Russia. Well, Kelly didn't meet him at the metro station and instead immediately called the FBI. The FBI in turn heavily interrogated Kelly and his entire family and put him on administrative leave convinced that they had now found their mole. Okay, he called the FBI right away. How was that not passing the, how the fuck was he supposed to pass the test?

Just like sink to the bottom of a river? To be here. Is that the way you're more than a dog? Yeah. Investigators finally made some progress after they spent $7 million paying disaffected Russian intelligence officers to dish dirt on suspected moles. This operation eventually yielded an audio tape

of an unnamed FBI agent talking to a KGB agent. The voice on the tape was familiar to one of the investigators, but he couldn't place it at first. Until upon reviewing the file, they found a note where the mole referred to an unbelievably racist quote favored by General Patton, which I am not going to relay here. I go to bed in a bath.

That's so bad. FBI addilist Bob King was like, you know, who else likes that quote? Robert Hansen and the other guy who knew the voice, but couldn't place it. He finally had his eureka moment. They now knew the spy amongst them was Robert Hansen, and they just needed to catch him in the act. See, this is proof critical race theory is ruining the FBI guys. Yeah. All right. So I, you know, glad they got their ran and all, but holy shit, this is nowhere near the most

incriminating thing they have on this guy. Hanson was immediately placed under intense constant surveillance and promoted kind of. They basically created a make work job that looked like a promotion, but which kept Robert away from any sensitive information. And for his part at this point, Hanson knew he'd been given a nothing job and that something was likely amiss, but he had no way to be sure. As part of his promotion, Hanson was given an assistant, but the assistant was really, obviously, an FBI surveillance specialist who noticed that Robert used a palm pilot to organize his life. Eventually, Ericko Neal, the fake assistant, stole the palm, downloaded its contents, and returned it without Robert noticing. The palm contained

a treasure trove of damning information and confirmed the FBI suspicions, but agents wanted to catch him in the act of actually spying so they waited before bouncing. More, they waited more. Yeah. All right. He does have 200 events in his calendar titled Russian spy stuff, but that could be Pilates. In 2001, Hanson dropped off a friend at the airport and then headed to his dead drop

location to make another delivery of betrayal. He followed his usual routine and taped a sealed plastic garbage bag beneath the usual wooden bridge and placed a white strip of tape on the sign, confirming every detail of his process, agents rushed in a mere 21 years after hands and had begun betraying his country and caught him red handed. Upon his capture, Robert himself asked, quote, what took you so long? Jesus. himself asked, quote, what took you so long? Jesus, there's a question. On February 20, 2001, the FBI announced a capture of the longest known operational spy

in American history. Weird flex, but okay. The case against Robert Hansen, finally made, was unbelievably strong and damning. Facing multiple potential death penalties, Hanson negotiated a plea bargain in exchange for 15 consecutive life sentences. I'm sure it wasn't you. Robert Hanson is housed now at the ADX Supermax prison in Florence, Colorado. The same facility where El Chapo is currently awaiting his helicopter and tunnel based rescue squad.

And I don't feel at all safer and you shouldn't either. No. All right. So if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? Remember guys, if you see something, say something, then move to an island nation in the Pacific to wait out the end of days. Yeah. Right. Why would you bother? Okay. Are you ready for the quiz? Much rater than anyone at Quantico. Alright, Tom. What was the best title from Robert Hansen's homemade video collection? Hey, the porn identity. For your brown eyes only.

The man from Spunkel. Nice, D, the missionary impossible. That one's obvious. The man with the golden shower. That's actually how Trump got burned. One more option F, also a Trump favorite, Tinkal, Haler, Soldier Spy.

Oh, that's... These are all so good. Excellent job. These are all so good. Excellent job. These are all so good. It can't be missionary impossible. That one's just too obvious. It's got to be the porn identity. Actually, no, it was a no think we're changing the format. You're getting this one wrong. It was okay. It was there we go. All right. All right, Tom. Yes. Why is Russia so much better at spying than us? Hey, they occasionally ask Americans, hey, man, you want to be spy? Poison underwear is a better spy deterrent than letting you keep your job and giving you a plea

bargain. See, our last three discovered spies have been like, I'm a whistleblower, no backsees. And we've been like, okay, you're a whistleblower, no backsees. I know, you're right about these things. You're on Twitter. D, America's best kept secret is the deep dish pizza. Oh, yes. You're pandering. Why are all these upset and really true?

I just want to point out, okay, so Russia have this guy and still lost the cold fucking war like Long game their they're kind of crushing it right now Yeah, but we want we Eli I'm gonna guess the answer is yes Yes, I'm gonna guess the answer is yes. And it's correct. Yes, I'm upset. It's part, but particularly D. All right, Tom, this is sort of like bouncing a little off of he's question here.

In his amateur home porn movies, Bob listed himself in the credits under this pseudonym that called out his physical traits. What was it? A, crack bleacher. Not a jack creature. Anyway, B, Cody Blanks, C, Sakswell Smart, D, Jason Shorn, from the Shorn Identity. It's from that movie. I got to go, D, and kind of bring it all in, but the answer I got wrong with heat. So's just I feel like it's oh sorry. It's saxwell smart. I'm sorry Sir you it's rough. Well what what what writer wrong Cecil was gonna win for saxwell

That's fair pink hotel or shoulder splash brief fucking Pinkal is being the man from My favorite to be honest. I like that. Well Oh, I'm a winner. I know it's yes All right, well, for Cecil Tom Eli and he Tom Noah Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week by then I'm gonna be an expert on something else between now and then you already know what our other shows are and I'm my mouth Kind of hurts why talk more speaking of which dental work is expensive and you can make a pre-episode of nasinapatron.com

so that's a citation part where legal five star review everywhere you can and if you'd like to get in touch with us check out the past episodes connected with us on social media or check the show notes be sure to check out citationpod.com Hey, uh, you my contact? Oh, hey, um, yeah, uh, you got stuff? You got the money? Uh, check your suitcase. Check the file. Wait, the file? Where's the Coke?

Coke? Wait, I'm so sorry. Are you a Russian agent? Oh, no, man, I'm a drug dealer, bro. Okay, is this the parking ride on 4th? Oh, no, no, no, this is-. Okay, is this the parking ride on fourth? Oh, no, no, no, this is this is the parking ride on fifth. You want to go to the kitty corner? It's right over there kitty corner. Of course. Thank you so much. Hey, man. No problem. Oh Okay, well good luck with your drug deal. Hey back at you buddy. Good luck with your spy stuff. Hey, you two nice guy Good luck. I spy stuff. Hey, you two. Nice guy. Good luck.

I'm Edward Snowden.