Citation Needed - Robert Smalls

Episode Date: October 24, 2018

Robert Smalls (April 5, 1839 – February 23, 1915) was an enslaved African American who escaped to freedom and became a ship's pilot, sea captain, and politician. He freed himself, his crew and their families from slavery during the American Civil War by commandeering a Confederate transport ship, CSS Planter, in Charleston harbor, on May 13, 1862, and sailing it from Confederate-controlled waters to the U.S. blockade. His example and persuasion helped convince President Abraham Lincoln to accept African-American soldiers into the Union Armyand the Navy.   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

It's not though, it's like a whole new series. But are they still in space though? Yeah, yeah, they're still in space. Well, that's basically the same thing. Right, but how boring would it be if they called it planet trek? W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w Noah Noah? Yeah, hi Noah. Just, uh, happening. Just testing the turkey anything and the slidey lever box before we before we. David on the black Chippy do wager do wager yeah um what do you call that process you think re torrents nope so close what the fuck are you doing in the seat and why weren't Noah's tiny

little sure yeah you look like a sausage in that thing okay you guys saw through my disguise, but it's because of today's topic, Robert Smalls, the escape slave that pretended to be a ship captain in the Civil War. Okay, well that explains it, and that explains the blackface too. Okay, that's crazy. This is not blackface. It is a camouflage. Yeah, I don't know if you guys have seen it. Camouflage? Yeah. Really? Then why is it only black and only on your face? I got distracted before I could put the green. So why I got another follow question.

Why does Noah quack? Right? Why does he quack? Sequack. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. The podcaster we choose a subject, read a single article about on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Cecil and I'll be guiding us through this haunted embassy of horrors, but I'm not the only one here.

Also joining me is the guy who broke under enhanced interrogation and the guy who accidentally broke him, Eli and Tom. Okay, honestly, that's on me for starting that fight with 15 guys by cutting off my own fingers. I thought it'd be a strong lead. I'm not going to lie. There is a good reason that no one will let me pet the rabbits anymore, but I say like, I was surprised that Eli broke after hello, very nice to meet you. I'm not just you to enhance jazz.

Why were you surprised? Shouded Heath's name right away. Also, Jody, us a guy who clearly shaves the bone saw in our water bedding expert, Heath Ann Noah. Yeah, I'm basically trying to cut copper wire out of melanoma. It's a bone saw or fucking eugenics and you know, I've basically trying to cut copper wire out of melanoma. It's like, it's a fucking eugenics and, you know, every million times. I have bad genetics.

And I say, if you think of waking up wedged between a wooden frame and a tenuous 235 gallon water balloon is the bed giving you a big hug, you'll love it. I don't see why it's still so low. That's nice. Oh, great. I like to take a moment here to thank our wonderful and generous patrons. Their contributions make sure this show is possible. So thanks, patrons. Thanks, patrons. You'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the

end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event will we be talking about today? Today, we'll be talking about the adventures of Robert Smalls. Robbie Smalls. Ooh, oooh, oooh. Keith, did Noah ask you to add the adventures of so we wouldn't suspect he picked a boring topic again? Uh, I don't get the money if I say yes. So, well, I feel like saying that should still count.

There's different consent and stuff. I didn't just say that. Yeah. And Noah, you're the kind of cheap skate that would stiff his friend out of money on a technicality. I mean, I mean, I mean, you read something and are you ready to talk about it?

That's basically what I'm saying. It's it's okay for once and for all. It's not fair for me to have to pay for a third of the Uber when I take up the least amount of space. That's just math. Take it up with fucking Euclid anyway. Yes, I am though. I am. All right. So Noah, who was Robert Smalls? He was an escape slave in the Civil War that evaded the Confederate army by stealing one of their boats and going laudied, adiedah past five Confederate checkpoints. Actually, this sounds really good compared to the lot I can think. I keep the bar low, Cecil. Thanks for your money. All right. No, where does this story start us with the slave owner raping

him into existence back in 1838? I'm out. I got to go. I know it gets better. It does get better. I'm on beer. All right. So now that is just the best guess that history has to offer on his paternal lineage. We don't know for sure, but his mother was Lydia polite who was enslaved by one Henry McKee. Robert was born in April of 1839 in a cabin behind the McKee house on 511 Prince Street in Beaufort, South Carolina. People forgot already. I'm glad you included the fucking address. Nothing's gonna happen. Like on the 400 block, I'd be so confused later. Yeah. Oh my God. The upscale end of Prince Street. Tom gets it. It matters. Yeah. Get that. Anyway. So McK Mickey never claimed Robert as a son or anything,

but he did favor him over the other slaves. Oh, is that even mean? Like he beat him with the good whips? Like normally this is just for me and the misses. Lydia uppity. Yeah. Yeah. Right. No, yeah, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. do field work and and witness whippings when people did get with. Oh, kind of like that one, uh, Octo-Rune Black guy in the Chicago police department. Oh, no. His name is Michael Woodjew. And he was doing a lot out there when he is not getting married again. So please don't tell me myself. I for one agree with Mrs. Polite here. You got to toughen up the younger generation. That's why the baby boomers made us watch as

they destroyed the economy and democracy and the planet. So tough. So tough. They're fun. All right. So when Robert was 12 years old at the urging of his mother, Mickey hired Robert out to a local hotel where he earned a dollar a week and Mickey earned the rest of the pittance that they were paying him. Okay. Yeah. But then all Robert had to do is recruit some more slave friends and soon those would recruit more slave friends and he'd be on the path to financial independence. Slavery is like amway as what we're saying.

Basically, it is not the other way around. It's not the whole opposite hall. What are you talking about at all? All right. So by his middense, his employment drifted seaword and he got work as a longshoreman, a sail maker and a rigor. That's their word. No, you can't use that.

You know, I was right. This I knew in a glance, you guys wouldn't think I had written rigor. You are gracious. Racist. Racist. I got let me guess though while I was doing that job, he went by the name Riggy Small. Racist shit. It's still a shit. It's but it's a racist shit. It's rigor please. Oh God.

All right. So I'm skipping over a lot of the he was a slave and it sucked because that some evil shit right there in his biography But I should know that even though the wiki article doesn't really emphasize it. I'm sure there was a lot of that shit I wonder how you would feel about you skipping it Well, that's not in the wiki article. I didn't want to like I didn't want to betray the that I go concept of the show up but in the anodine bullet points that it offers the next thing we have is him getting married at the age of 17 to Hannah Jones and enslaved hotel mate. All hotel mates are slaves Noah slaves do not disturb sign and the whims of their customers. Yeah, I say like there's a whole porn hub channel dedicated to this exact scenario.

So that's not the way. And I'm sure he has an upcoming essay about it. And anti-Belmade something. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it.

And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it.

And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. And I'm sure Heath has an upcoming essay about it. I would also use the money for my children's freedom. Yeah.

I was used that. Well, that's what he said anyway. Now at the time, that would have cost him $800, which is over 20 grand in today's money. What is $100 in today's money? That's almost a grand kid of us to feel to so hard. Huh? What? I couldn't hear you from leaving where I was at. When I'm free of you, you're free of me. 18 years of slave. The man's a patient, they can't come soon enough, right? All right, so needless to say, regardless of his real reason, 800 who is more than he was going to be able to save up as a rented slave. But in 1861, current events would make the price a hell of a lot

steeper. Yeah, there were terrible rates on indentured servants who loaned that back. That was just terrible. It was rough. You got to consolidate. No, you know that. Yeah, literally crushing it. Literally. And that was the last time a black person got alone in this country.

So. So yeah, okay. So three years after he got married, the Civil War breaks out. And by autumn of that year, Smalls was assigned to steer a lightly armed Confederate transport called the CSS planter. What was his charge of naming these boats? He named it a planter. Why, we need this to go somewhere.

I know, name it after the thing that doesn't go anywhere. What the fuck? Yeah, but even more importantly, these loser ass losers that were the Confederate military. So nothing at all stupid about putting a slave at the helm of their boat in a war about keeping his children enslaved to the infinity of generation. All right. I'm going to give you this gun, but you know, don't shoot me. Don't shoot me.

Okay, I feel like you seriously don't shoot and you stabbed me right away with the band out. Okay, that is only I did not specify. You did follow the rules though, so I'm not mad. I'm gonna give you that. I'm disappointed, but I'm not mad. I'm gonna give you that I'm disappointed, but I'm not mad. They've got the black guy in the home It had to be super hard staring the boat from the back of the ships, though Right, you might think so, Cecil, but weirdly it's three fifths easier. Yeah, I wouldn't yeah, I think your fractions

I feel I feel better and better about choosing this topic. Okay. So the CSS planter, uh, as I said, was a transport vessel. Its duties were to deliver dispatches, troops and supplies to troop station to round Charleston Harbor and eventually all down the Confederate coast. Uh, they also surveyed waterways and laid the occasional sea mine. Pretty sure it's pronounced semened Noah. Well, the way you do it, yes, it is. You like, now, the whole time he's doing this job, smallest plays it cools and manages not to say, I can't believe these dumb fucking white people

let me steer the goddamn boat in his outside. Just singing like pro slavery spiritual for all the time. And he's going, stay in my lane. Stay in your lane, my children. So stay in your lane. Yeah, no matter how much you're taught, that's the time.

Take the brock of his. He's really. And mentally, admittedly, he does have a magical voice. Oh, I know he does. Oh, I like it. I want the whole album. Oh, my God. Patreon.clown.

Sly. Sly. Jason. You said patreon.clown. I think you did. I'm pretty sure he did a separate website for our own stuff. It's a whole. I don't want to get into it. Just as well administrative. Yeah. All right, but Heath's joke is actually pretty close though, because he plays content, even when he can

see freedom as close as the union blockade, which is often visible just at the horizon, but all the while he's plotting his escape. The really the toughest part was getting a Rock Hell Welsh poster big enough to sail a ship up. So it would appear that the Confederate Navy was as bad at Navying as their army wasn't armying because by their math, it made perfect sense to send a lightly armed ship out in their waterways with eight slaves and three white dudes watching over them. That math is all wrong. Yeah, that's, that's Confederate math.

So Robert Smalls drew, he'll like, drove us up some blueprints or something and start circulating his escape plans to the other slaves on the ship except, and I love that the wiki points this out. One slave that Smalls didn't trust because there's always that one ass right? Yeah. Fucking house rigors. Oh Jesus. I know that I want to know that there are literally no jokes around this joke.

And just hands off. That's for you, buddy. House rigor. It's sitting there like a robot in the ocean. There you go. I think I'm... Anyway, that's what Paul Ryan calls John Lewis though. House rigor. It's sitting there like a robot in the ocean. There you go. I think that's what Paul Ryan calls John Lewis. That's what I think.

House rigor. And quite a report. I like it. Anyway, he doesn't think we appreciate it. So, no, it's okay. He says house rigor. FYI, he's house rigor. He's in the house rigor FYI. House for the right. He's in the house.

John Lewis. John Lewis is a representative for John. He's freedom fighter again. Anyway, so on May 12th of 1862, the planter set out for a small island about 10 miles southwest of Charleston to pick up four large guns and 200 pounds of ammunition from a fort. Those being dismantled. And at this point, small said to be going, okay, I'm going to laugh out loud if they get any stupider. So he set his plans in motion.

Also, boy, here those blind folds, the captain ordered all the white people to wear. Please And now we're gonna do some trust falls. And now some trust stabs. Don't stab us or else we won't trust you. Blime folds, whips. Anyone else feel like the stealth really just fought a war for BDSM like this is just, well, well, be. Yes.

That's a mess. And Zamas, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small,

small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small, small North Atlantic Warth, which meant that practically speaking, it was now or never, right? Small's family had already like run off and that was gonna raise alarms pretty quickly, such that even the dumbasses running the Confederacy would probably realize they shouldn't trust him

with boats full of large guns and ammunition they're measuring in the hundreds of hours. Yes. I don't know though, they sound pretty fucking stupid. Like honestly, it sounds like smalls, giving like, oh, what, my family's gone? All right, I'm gonna need, let's see, I'm gonna need an Armada and all your gunpowder.

I will be back. I'm just gonna be on my side. Don't worry about it, I got this. No, no, 15 minutes. All right. 15 minutes. Is anybody else here wondering about this steamer that now has seven families of black slaves just squirreled away somewhere on it that nobody else noticed? Like I'm certain that maybe we needed an underwater railroad instead. All right. So by now you're probably thinking how are they going to overproward their crew,

right? Are they going to lace the rum with sleeping powder? Are they going to muscle them over the side of the deep ocean? Are they going to say, what's that over there and then punch them when they look away, like the fucking idiot losers that they are? Nope, it's dumber than that. Okay, because apparently the three white officers were in the habit of going ashore at night. What? I'm leaving about with the slaves and only the slaves on it.

What? What? Yeah, so smart. Robert's plan was just, you know, the stuff that brought us. Yeah, Robert's plan was just, you know, Yeah, Robert's plan was just wait for them to leave and then just, you know, go. It was harder for me to sneak out and drink when I was a teenager. Which coincidentally was also during the Civil War.

So it's a problem. You can almost hear the violin comically plank in the background as they are. The white officer guys are leaving and Robert Smalls just like can't hold it together. It's just we. Oh, boss. That's all. Shut up. Shut up.

Inside joke. All right. So the night of the 12 passes into the early morning of the 13th and at 3 a.m. Smalls and seven of his eight slave crewman made their escape. Yes, they left that one guy in South Carolina. Yeah, that guy. Awesome.

All right, so smalls just family is so mad. I'm like, Bill, really, Bill, but we could have, Bill. Yeah, so apparently small is just put on the captain's uniform, which the captain apparently just left in there in case anybody needed it. This is Captain Crunch. Oh, yes. Well, to make the disguise easier, the planter's captain who supported the comic book bad guy

name for a transport ship captain relay was in a Yeah, right, but he wore a big straw hat that obscured his features so that the disguise would be easier. No, my fucking god. Did he also dress sometimes in blackface and call himself Harold Tubman? Yeah. I question what side he was on at this point. So all right.

So small's just put on his uniform and his dumb ass red neck hat and walked around the deck of the ship doing his best white guy walk. That was the plan. That is essentially how Barack Obama won the president. No, I should stress here by the way that he's not just sailing straight from this port into friendly waters here. The route between him and safety was guarded by five Confederate checkpoints and a couple of mine fields.

But since he knew all the signals he was supposed to give at each checkpoint and since as a ship's pilot, he obviously has to know where all the mines are. He manages to slip through all the obstacles without incident. Okay. Well, yeah, I fucking hope so he should be going back to slave captain school. Well, he's already got the loans. How the last. All right. So, but a long way, of course, he stops to pick up his family, along with the loved ones of his fellow conspirators. Okay. That admittedly is awesome. But that sounds like the end of the story and we're just

getting to apropos and nothing. Well, after he slips past the last Confederate checkpoint, he is still heading directly at a union naval blockade and a Confederate ship in the middle of the night. And let's be real here, the North was only racially progressive compared to the South. This is still a boat full of black guys. Well, if Robert Smalls didn't charge his ship towards the union of the sale. Well, like this, this boat is going to get pulled over like fucking seven times for a broken taillight, right? Like what? Ships don't even have taillights. That's it. Get in the car.

Cars don't even exist. Blame. That's it. So, uh, let's go to the apropos nothing then. What do you say guys? It will be racist, I guarantee it. I guarantee it. No, it will be great. I guarantee it. Okay, man, at midnight, the crew gets off the ship and that's when we'll- Hey guys!

Oh, hey, oh that one guy. How great is being a slave, right? Like, hope I don't lose my job. Not, right? Not. Yeah, I know you're the- Yeah, not, right not right yeah I know you're the first guy to use that joke ever but that's somehow already old maybe don't don't do that not no no just just a sentence I said don't say not not right right

don't say not oh anyway what are you guys planning over here nothing so much we were just um we were working you know on uh all you guys planning a surprise for my birthday oh is tomorrow your birthday haha like you don't know lion yeah I know this character black, but I'm just gonna censor that I'm just Definitely gonna You guys planning my birthday. Oh, yeah, yeah, we're planning your birthdays Yeah, you know tomorrow don't like don't interrupt our you know the birthday plans, okay? Let's

But all I'm gonna say is we better be going to my favorite restaurant Benny Hana Benny Hana you know it ah I'm gonna get a fish bowl full of booze Yeah, that sounds great man. Oh, okay. See you later Yeah, I'm probably gonna bleep that one out too. so. Probably for the best. Maybe just bleep the whole thing. I'm probably gonna bleep that one out too, so. Probably for the best. Maybe just bleep the whole thing.

All right, well, we last left our heroes. They were sailing towards a naval blockade and hoping they could charade their way out of this before they got in the cannon range. I guess I don't know what that's pretty much it. So that's right. Okay. Now the problem with the charade's plan is that they timed their escape in the pre-doin hours and even Robert Smalls counted on the Confederate army to be less dumb than they were.

So he didn't expect to get through all the checkpoint so quickly. Oh my God. So the worst part of his plan so far is that it's going too well. That's the worst. Yeah. All right. So the self is not rising again. I'm just saying the self can't even get a chubby again. All right. So now they were literally just out of gun range with the Confederates realized their mistake and sound of the alarms. So now they were literally just out of gun range with the Confederates realized their mistake and sounded the alarms. So it's not only they can just hang out and open water between the Confederate and the Union blockade, right? So they had to approach the Union blockade just before the sun comes up.

Oh, what's the flag code for? You're not going to believe this, but hear me out. Yeah. They start back in the ship up all slow. Everyone's hands on the tiller. Very clearly. All right. So according to witness accounts from the ship that intercepts them, the USS on word. No. Okay. For real.

Who's naming these ships? Who is that? Okay. Go like that one. All right. So they were already preparing to fire on the planter when for the first time in the lives of everybody on board, most likely something white actually helped them. Specifically, the white bed sheet that small as wife Hannah had brought along and replaced the Confederate flag with. Now, the sun wasn't

exactly up by them, but it was just up enough for them to make out the flag of surrender. And the south has been going back and forth between white sheets and Confederate flags ever since. And Cecil surrendering every chance they could. And I was giving up their healthcare. Yeah. Women's rights. And I have to share a bit of a quote from the wiki from an unnamed crewman aboard

the onward quote. Just as number three port gun was being elevated, someone cried out. Uh, he's going for the cannon in his back pocket fire. Well, for what's it? It wasn't that. Um, he cried out, I see something that looks like a white flag. And true enough, there was something flying on the steamer that would have been white by application of soap and water. Let me shitty about it.

Yeah, right. Let's see if I can add time to travel, Judgey. So, something goes on. Shitty? As she neared us, we looked in vain for the face of a white man. When they discovered that, so again, like, yeah, just, you know, you don't have to point that out uh... go up uh... the quote continues when they discovered that we would not fire upon them there was a rush of contraband out on her deck some dancing some singing whistling

jumping and others looking towards for its sumpter and muttering all sorts of maladictions against it and quote so smalls his shipmates and their families were free. Okay. The dancing I get, but muttering of complaints is weird timing for both the freed slaves and this guy's description, right in my head. We're free. And one guy's just like, I never liked for it. Some turfuckin' floors made up of time and fucking. for it's some to fucking floors. A million. I'm

fucking. Can we get back to a time when soldiers new words like malediction like I'm not even saying those were better times. What I'm saying is our military is stupid now. Oh, she's the first. First you pay for the college then they joined the military. You got to switch. You get a bunch of arts majors in there.

Yeah, that never go to work. All right. So a few minutes later, the two ships docked. The onwards captain boarded the planter. And the first thing Smalls did was ask for a US flag to display in place of the white one. And keep in mind that the nearest Confederate base was probably in sight of this event. So that's a great fuck you, right? But a much better fuck you was the cargo of the ship. Smalls had to turn over to the Union Army. And then he like locks eyes with the previous captain and he douses out a teaky toilet. Look at me in your spyglass. I am the captain now. And some southerner immediately starts working on a statute to commemorate the event.

We have a loss. It's got to build another one because the second first one sunk. I mean, okay, so look, four large guns and a couple hundred pounds of ammunition. Those are useful to have. Those are also useful for the enemy not to have, but the planter had far more valuable cargo aboard in the form of the captain's code book, a map of minds that have been laid in Charleston's harbor. And most importantly, all the knowledge of the waterways and military deployments that smalls was carrying around between his ears.

For example, they learned shit like that area we thought had tens of thousands of troops in it as being defended by a couple thousand men and their stretch so thin they just abandoned an important fortification on their flank. I'll say the rust belt back then too. And about the same amount of the poor bulls say the same places. Okay, but you just know there was the one racist resentful northern guy who was like, I mean, great. They brought us guns and information, but like, what do they really want? You know, like, is a lot of identity politics here, the one

northern guy. Yeah, there's the one. And honestly, okay, so that story already, it could end there and it would have been worth an episode. Smalls had his freedom, his family, and the US government paid him and his crewman a bounty on the planter that was the equivalent of about $36,000 in today's money. Each, so hardly a fortune, but enough to start a life in the North plus. His story was great propaganda for the Union Army. So the newspaper had already made a hero out of it. Okay.

What'd it be, Farag? He sort of did the hero making. Well, that was his thing. The press just got a popularized that. Okay. Yeah. Fair. But even if they hadn't, his, yeah, fair, fair. Um, but even if they hadn't his badass bonus feedays were beyond reproach, but he still wanted to kick some more ass. So we elected to enlist in the union navy. Guys, just like man, I bet after

all these years of literal slavery, you're ready to settle down and relax, huh? Just not do. Uh, no, no, I would like to kill the people who enslaved my wife and children like right now. Oh That also seems fun sure Like you'd want to take up golf Friends so that's cool what I said My rigger So that's cool what I said. All right. Oh my ringer. All right. So one of the first things he did as a member of the US Navy was serving a delegation

to DC to persuade the Secretary of Ward Edwin Stanton to allow black men to fight for the Union cause because not allowing that was really fucking stupid. Wait. So black people weren't allowed to fight at that point, but they could sign up for political delegations. It was weird. It's a weird line system. Yeah, but now, but shortly thereafter, Stan created the first and second South Carolina

colored regiments and people them with about 5,000 black volunteers, which is like 8,300 white soldiers. You're so right. Like, how was this even a tough sell? I would like to fight. Yeah, we got kind of a vested interest in how this thing turns out. You know, like,

right? All right, so smalls would go on to pilot a number of union boats in the familiar South Carolina waterways up to it, including the planter. Once the union had refitted it to kick more ass. He also got a reputation for bravery and determination really quick, because let's face it, black dudes were more motivated to not be captured by the enemy in that war. And also he was apparently brave as hell.

Okay. So now I'm rooting for him to get captured by the South and then trick him again. Just like, oh, perfect. You guys, you caught me. I'm rooting for him to get captured by the South and then trick him again. Just like, oh, perfect. You guys, you caught me. I'm caught now, right? Yeah. Good work. So I'm obviously a fake double agent, great.

And now we've got those me lovers right where we want them. Okay. So let me get one more giant bonus supplies. You like 20 minutes. Right in my plan. All right. But do you think you swear it out the stealing again? Yeah.

Oh, wait, I cut off your hands. Okay. You pinky toe swear. Whatever. Whatever you need, you're stupid. All right. So by his count, smalls was president 17 major naval battles and engagements in the Civil War and was eventually made a captain

after particularly heroic bit of piloting once the acting captain pushed out and ran and hidden the coal bunker. And in between all that, he helps remove a bunch of the mines that he laid only months earlier for the Confederacy. Yeah, that captain was just playing. He was actually a cock. He just wanted to see some big black guy drive his boat. All right. so he was discharged at the conclusion of the war, but he continued piloting the planter on humanitarian missions to bring food and supplies to newly freed black families that had lost their homes in the war. Wait, like, lost their homes, like, like their slave homes, like, I'm not, I'm not sure how that works, but I'm also not sure that's not how that works.

I'm so sorry. Apparently that's how that worked. Yeah. Now, after the war, there was some argument about what rank he actually achieved. And they went back and made him technically a second lieutenant of the first South Carolina volunteers as some kind of weird compromise that satisfied racist, but still let the Navy pay him like he'd been a captain that whole time.

I must have been a weird little negotiation for that like okay what about second lieutenant title captains pay okay okay counteroffer N word but generals pay. Smalls is like, guys, I'm sitting right here. I am. I'm in the room. Okay. I don't know. I'll take three fifths to rank and five thirds to pay. It's like I'm right.

All right. So now to be clear and so that the North doesn't come off sounding any better than they deserve, when he later saw a naval pension, he was told he actually had never been commissioned. Now he eventually did get a captain's pension out of the government, but it took 14 years or 23 white years. Oh, my gosh. That was crazy. And it took a literal act of Congress to make it happen. And by the way, for what it's worth, a few years later, Congress went back and decided that the equivalent

of 36 grand a piece was crazy low for that awesome boat that he gave the union Navy after his escape. Yeah. So they gave all of the survivors another payment this time, the equivalent of about 140 grand today. Still a lot. Great. Here you go.

Rodney King felt bad about that whole thing. So we also got you some golden spinners for your wheelchair. You guys like those right? Now we're even right? That's a direct quote, by the way, in case you guys are wondering. Yeah, from the LA. You know, after the game of the money, there's just some guy like, he's just going to blow the whole thing up 40s and hot Cheetos. What's the point? All right. So after he left the Navy, he went on to have a successful career in the hotel business in Philadelphia, then invested heavily in the Charleston area during reconstruction, made a bunch of money. But I guess eventually he missed scaring the hell out of Southern

white people. So he got into politics. Now, apparently it was a hell of a politician too. He served on the local state and national level. And eventually he rose all the way to the house of representatives where he represented South Carolina's fifth district for two terms. But because of advancements in racism technology, a black person wouldn't represent that district again until 2010. Oh, okay. All the black people in South Carolina, please raise your hand.

Great. Just keep them up. Just draw on something please raise your hand. Great. Just keep them up. Just drawn something real quick. Okay. Great. That's a district hands down. Perfect. That's the idea. Whoever won in 2010 coming in and being like, Hey, like, who was the last black guy to hold my office? And they were like, Wow, you are going to laugh. Do you remember the Civil War? Right. Yeah, they actually gave the same physical office. It was in the back of the bill. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just say it was separate from equal. There you go. Now Robert Smalls died of malaria and diabetes at the age of 75 because he

was too bad asked to die of just one debilitating malady uh... he was buried in his family's plot and bufurt south carolina and his marker was engraved with a statement he made to the south carolina legislature in eighteen ninety five quote my race needs no special defense for the past history of them in this country proves them to be the equal of any people anywhere. All they need is an equal chance in the battle of life." And quote, virtue signaling. You know, he might have lived even longer of white people had just invented Wilford Brimley earlier. No, it is. All the southerners point to him and say that guy, a betas. There you go.

I knew that was going to get heat. It was pun and early 90s TV reference. Yeah. And I know that I should probably end this on the inspiring quote and all, but there's one little detail of this story that I absolutely love. So I say it for less when he moved back to South Carolina, he needed a place to say, so he bought a house in Buford at five 11 print streets. Yes. Yes. Apparently the previous owner hadn't been paying taxes to the US government for four years or so. And

the government sees the property, the property owner even sued to get the property back. But ultimately the court sided with smalls and he ended up raising the family that he'd freed in the house he was born and slaved in. I'm not saying that he should fuck a white woman in every room of that house, but he should be a white woman in every room at And no, if you had to summarize what you learned in one sense other than that guy should fuck What would it be? Well, I've I've written here a Robert Swall should have fucked a white woman in every room with that house I don't know why you

And are you ready for the quiz? Sure, why not? All right, I'll go first. At some point, the Confederate Navy was just asking for it. So what's right? They can't be done to prevent this from happening. Aby A, maybe if the ship hadn't been dressed like that. Aby.

Avoid sailing in dark passages at night. See, maybe if those three white guys hadn't been drinking off ship. Watch out for black guys. Yeah, pick one of those Noah. All right. I was way more prepared for racism than sexism this week. Some of those D watch out for the black guys. All the white women are going with in the house. And Robert's house, they're all going with the D.

Right, so they ain't got to play you pick a black guy. So, all right. Please proceed Eli. Oh, you don't, someone says he's wrong or he's right. I always go too early and you guys yell at me. And this time I remember. All right. Yeah, sure you're right. All right, Noah.

Who were some other African-American civil rights activists whose story has a happy ending? I'm asking, I can't think of literally any. I would like to use any of this. D, none of the above. That is correct. Correct. All right Noah.

This story was made into a movie what was it called? A, Uncle Tom's Cabin Boy. Oh. It's so good. B, 12 years away. Cabin. B, 12 years away. See birth of a nation and birth there is spelled with an E just for the audience. The carries. Or D black pony.

Boat in both. Boat him in both ways. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, I feel like I'm not going to feel good about myself repeating any of those, but only one of those movies is a crime against humanity, even before the pun. So I'm going to go with a Uncle Tom's cabin. Yep. You're right.

Absolutely. All right. No, in addition to ride the boat, they willingly give you, which of the following methods was also successful for escaping slavery thanks to the American South being run by cartoon rhinos. I think I did a dressing up as a lady rabbit with a mustache and glasses. B, if you guys can read this, turn over. You just got tricked by a black guy turn over.

C, the above ground railroad. Railroad, or D, former slave owner says what? Oh, Okay, this is a tough one. All right, it can't be a because lady rabbits don't have moustaches. It can't be B because confederate soldiers couldn't read. And it can't be D because Southerners talk too slow to make the so and so says what thing works. So I'm going to go see by process of elimination. That is correct.

No, it's not. Nope. Nope. No, it's not. It's you with the best thing about the section is the legitimacy. Yeah, right. Right. So competitive. That's why the listeners love it is the competitive.

So I won. You won. Which means I get to announce who goes next week. Who wants to go next week? Halloween. Big show. Tommy noise. Tom.

Now I'm going to toss it over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer and this week's Twitter question. Thanks Cecil. Last week's assignment was to write a hi-ko about David Eich. Our answer comes from Navy Dave on Facebook with this. I sucked at football, alien lizards chased me, mother fucking Jews. This week's question is, what is a better name for the ship that Robert Smalls commandeered? Remember to retweet our Facebook share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you Cecil.

Alright, well for Eli, Keith, Noah and Tom, I'm Cecil. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then, Tom will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can catch Tom and I on our show, Cognitive Dissonance, but you can catch Noah and Heath on their shows, The Skeptocrat, God Awful Movies and The Skating Atheists. I think that's all the people and projects that we do, so I didn't miss anything or anyone. And if you'd like to keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod Or leave us a five star of you everywhere you can and if you'd like to get in touch with us check out past episodes

Connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod dot com And I guess I would say my third favorite thing to order at Benihana is the shrimp I like the trick where they throw it into their hat, you know, I'm literally okay with you being a slave. A slave to Benihana and why people? Yep. My great grandson will be Kanye West.