Citation Needed - Rudy Giuliani

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Rudolph William Louis Giuliani (/ˌdʒuːliˈɑːni/ JOO-lee-AH-nee, Italian: [dʒuˈljaːni]; born May 28, 1944) is an American politician and lawyer who served as the 107th mayor of New York City from 1994 to 2001. He previously served as the United States Associate Attorney General from 1981 to 1983 and the United States Attorney for the Southern District of New York from 1983 to 1989.[1][2]

And then after Mori, they just play another episode of Mori. No, I know, see, so I've been working from home for like a decade. How many episodes of Mori are there? Oh, there's so many. Oh, shit, they're here. Oh, disgusting. Oh, that's so gross, guys. No, wait, let us explain.

You know what, Eli? I don't want to hear it. You guys do these before-show shenanigans and they're supposed to be thematic But this is also how people get introduced to our show man, right? And this isn't even the man it looks like you guys just Had diarrhea in the middle of the studio. Yeah, I'll man fucking well Be going

What the dude what the fuck was that? That was Rudolph Giuliani, but now he's clearly mad, and he's left. Yeah, we booked him as a surprise. Can I say he actually looks way better in person? I was gonna say that way better. Hello and welcome! Citation needed! The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts.

Is this the internet? That's how it works now. Ami Libasne can all be cracking into this can of howl cart, but I'll need some fellow smellers. First up, two nerds who knew I was talking about Icelandic fermented shark from Finland and have notes on my pronunciation, Cecil and Noah. So many European countries have food. It's essentially frat-hasing.

It's gross, man. It's fucking gross. I appreciate the vote of confidence, Eli, but I have yet to know what you're talking about. I was at a land they couldn't come from Finland also. I don't know what it is either. Just let it happen. Just let it happen. You're welcome.

Just let it happen. And also joining us tonight, the long and short of sedation needed he and top i know jokes on you e-line i don't mind being short not at all what the whole the explain it you explain it

it's called how carpool and it's rotten shark fin and it's a finlandian delicacy. From Iceland. I got it. No, you know. Before the end of the night, I'd like to take a second to thank our patrons. Hey, patrons, you supported this show for years in spite of Heath's refusal to acknowledge your existence when he's the house.

Oh, no, I just, you know, do the show and then tell you about it at the end of the show. But now our show has ads and not just any ads, auto ads, the pancreatic cancer of podcasts. But our patrons don't have to hear those ads and thus we'll never know the capitalistic hellscape our fun little podcast has become. And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around till the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what person, place, thing, concept,

phenomenon, or event, will we be talking about today? We're going to be talking about Rudolph Giuliani. All right, figure out for the early release here, Heath. Rudy Giuliani. Right, figure cross for the early release here, Heath. Rudy Giuliani. Great question. Rudolph, William Lewis Giuliani. He's a New York City gentleman of crime who often develops elaborate schemes whilst presenting himself as innocent, believing himself to be an eccentric, criminal mastermind. He's well known for his love of ornithology and his use of technology fitted umbrellas.

So that's all according to Batman.Fandom.com, or they described the penguin, so I thought that'd be useful. So aside from being a prominent rival of Batman in real reality is in Rudolph Giuliani was a federal prosecutor, mayor of New York city, the so-called mayor of America, a lobbyist for pure evil, and a really sad internet salesman of stupid bullshit. And of course, he was a personal attorney for Donald Trump during which Giuliani was arguably the single worst attorney in the history of the universe, which is an extremely competitive title. And now he's an indicted felon, which makes it extra fun, so we're doing it right now. I just want to say there are there's no more fitting place for Giuliani to be jailed in a penguin house at a small roadside zoo. Ooh.

The four seasons total zoo. Oh, there you go. Yeah, absolutely. So I'll start with the good stuff about Giuliani and we're done. It's a really career as a prosecutor. Okay, it did actually have a couple of useful moments, but it's all in the context of being part

of Ronald Reagan's Justice Department. So go fuck yourself. And even the lead up to that was super shitty. After getting a law degree from Eli Bosnich's NYU, that's where he went to school for that. Oh, great. Giuliani went into politics right away as a Democrat working for Bobby Kennedy's president took campaign in 1968. Oh, he was crushing it from the start.

Yeah. Well, no indication whether Giuliani helped with that very large murder conspiracy. Either way, he left the Democrats and became an independent on his way to Republican in 1975, which is of course a totally reasonable time to do that. And he worked for the Gerald Ford administration. Right after Richard Nixon, the Republican was president, then he went into private practice while Jimmy Carter was president because, you know, gross. And then back to government when Reagan took over.

According to Giuliani's mom, quote, Rudy only became a Republican after he began to get all these jobs from them. He's definitely not a conservative Republican. He thinks he is, but he isn't. He still feels very sorry for the poor. Oh my God. Jesus Christ, lady. You know, refer to people in poverty as the poor.

They go by West Virginians. Exactly. Oh, spoilers, by the way. They go by West Virginians. Exactly. Oh, spoilers, by the way, his mayoral policy is towards the unhoused, would strongly dispute mom's assessment. Right. You know, I get it. My mom still thinks I'm big-bone, so they knew I was gonna be a husky too. Yeah.

So, according to my source from the DOJ at the time, Giuliani was clearly just looking for high-profile cases to get him attention. That started in 1982 when Giuliani defended the Reagan administration in a well-publicized case regarding the internment of approximately 2,000 asylum seekers from Haiti. According to Giuliani, they were economic migrants not political asylum seekers and he argued that quote political repression at least in general does not Exist under president John Claude Duvalier

That big city yes, the fuck it did Duvalier was in charge of killing about 30,000 political dissidents Okay, but also just to be very clear heath Juliannie's very nuanced argument here is that if he's right, 2000 human beings will still die, but they'll die from a political cause. So, right. That's all right. So it's fine. It's fine. It's economic migration deaths. It's fine. In 1983, Giuliani moved from the office of the attorney general and became the US attorney for the Southern District of New York. And he gained national prominence for the convictions of Wall Street criminals on insider

trading and other securities violations, Wall Street crime. That includes Ivan Bozky, the inspiration for Gordon Gecko, and also Michael Milkin, the horrible junk bonds guy. Side note, both of those people were out of jail way too fucking quickly. Oskie remains a millionaire to this day and Milkin is now a billionaire. Today, they're both that jail.

Other side note, Michael Milkin got a full pardon from Donald Trump in 2020. No fucking idea why that happened. So, during this period in the mid 80s, Giuliani got even more attention for himself by making the perp walk into a common practice. He'd arrest someone and also alert the media ahead of time so he can have a big publicized moment of walking the criminal into jail in handcuffs. And it was later shown that Giuliani did this with several people who were definitely not guilty.

And it's sent until proven photograph. Right. Yeah. Right. During this phase of his career, it was famously said, according to James Comey, that quote, the most dangerous place in New York is between Rudy Giuliani and a microphone. And give me an idea. So Giuliani's biggest case,

as a prosecutor rather than a defendant, he's got a pretty big fucking defendant one coming up. It was the Mafia Commission trial that ran from 1985 to 1986. Giuliani indicted 11 high level figures in the New York Mafia, including the leaders of the five families. And he got convictions under the Racketeer Influenced

and Corrupt Organizations Act or Recalac. And super, super fun fact about that. That's the same law that got Giuliani himself indicted earlier this month for being part of the big lie Mafia after the 2020 election. And if we get a purplock because of this, it was the greatest purplock of all time. Their New York DA is like,ac because of this, it was great. He's cupping the perplac of all time.

Their New York D.A. is like, you know what Rudy, you're right. This actually does feel fantastic. All right. So before we get into Giuliani's career as a politician, let's take a quick look at his personal life. Just in case there's anything that might be worth mentioning, he married his cousin. He married his cousin. That's real. According to Rudy, their second cousins once removed or third cousins, depending on when he was lying. They're actually second cousins not removed at all. And the word second for cousin doesn't mean like a big step away from the family line. That's the daughter of his father's first cousin who he married for 14 years when they eventually got

divorced after all that time. They also got the marriage annulled by the Roman Catholic Church. Allegedly because Rudy had just recently discovered that they were cousins also lying. They literally knew each other since childhood for shursies. Hey, man, I had no idea she was my cousin. I just thought she was hot and she came to all my family reunions. What? What? He said to the Pope.

Yeah. See now based on the physical appearance, I would have believed Rudy was the result of cousins fucking, but doing the fucking insults, not just that. Right. An incest angle in a heath essay? Insurresting. What's up?

Incess is not the preferred, again, they prefer the term West Virginians. There is no, it's step siblings that it doesn't matter. That brings us to 1989. When Giuliani ran for New York City mayor and lost to Democrat David Dinkins. During the next four years, Giuliani worked in private practice and Dinkins did a whole bunch of good stuff that Giuliani would go ahead and steal credit for. Rudy won a rematch election in 1993, running on the platform of being really tough on crime,

by which I mean, really tough on poor people, like really, really hard. When he took office, he adopted an aggressive policing approach based on the Broken Windows theory. The idea is to crack down on minor crimes, sending a message of law and order that discourages other crime and improves the neighborhood. There's a whole bunch of debate about that theory,

especially when it's implemented with practices like Stop and Frisk, which the NYPD was definitely doing in a definitely super duper racist way. But crime went down overall in the city, and Giuliani was very happy to take the credit. That being said, there was already a downtrend in crime starting with dinkins and a similar trend throughout the entire country. The economy was improving. Also worth mentioning, the book, Freakonomics, pointed out that Roe v Wade had been around for exactly 20 years when Giuliani got elected. And when you kill a baby or whatever abort an unwanted fetus, potato potato, that's good

for lowering crime approximately 20 years later when the unwanted fetus would that's good for lowering crime approximately 20 years later when you know the unwanted fetus would be an adult. So when the next crime surge happens in 20 years, we can all blame. Well Thomas Smith and his litter of kids. Yeah. But we had to like the blame father of four. Hey, only two of them are mine. Also, Thomas's kids are wanted.

Thomas's kids are wanted. That's a big difference. Yeah, only two of them are yours, but you're gonna fuck the other two up, Tom. Come on. Come on. I'm very, just gonna say you're gonna fuck the other two. And I was like, wait a minute.

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, for you, Cecil. Yeah, man, I remember when I first became a buttcaster. We're all unemployed. Alright, let's never forget that. Speaking of which, that brings us to the absolute pinnacle of Rudy Giuliani's career, 9-11, which is not a good sign for the pinnacle of a career. In the aftermath of the attacks, Giuliani was fucking there in New York and became a national hero

for being there in New York, but that's so stupid. Any idiot can unite an American city behind hating Islam. It's so fucking easy. You don't even need the attacks on 9-11 to do that. You could just do that. Also, the one tangible thing he did with respect to 9-11 was something that made it worse. In 1997, he decided to put the headquarters for the Office of Emergency Management inside the World Trade Center. A whole bunch of people in the city government were like, hey man, that's fucking stupid because that's a terrorist target. And he was like, what are you talking about?

And they were like, it literally got bombed four years ago. It's a terrorist with a van full of explosives, just so recently. And he was like, I'm married my second cousin. And then he had several giant tanks of diesel fuel put in the building to power the command center in the World Trade Center. That's like Ralph Nader hailing a noober

and getting a Ford Pinto. Like what the fuck? Yeah. So following that just horribly, horribly bad call, the NYPD officially lodged complaint about having the emergency management HQ at a known terrorist target. And of course, Giuliani ignored that. Eventually that all came out. And journalist Chris Wallace confronted Giuliani about the whole thing during an interview.

Giuliani, of course, tried to lie about it and claimed the decision was made by the director of emergency management, Jerry Hauer. And that's when Wallace pulled out a copy of an official letter from Hauer to Giuliani, explaining how the World Trade Center was an incredibly stupid choice. And he was like, I married my cousin and then end of it. All right. To be fair, nobody gave a shit, right?

It was good training for Wallace to do this presidential debate. Yeah. But it was Kudos to Wallace for checking under the bus beforehand to see who Rudy had thrown under there, right? Yeah, that's good interview right there. So again, the aftermath of 9-11, that's the pinnacle of the entire life of Rudy Giuliani. For sure, he's not dead, but I'm sure that's the pinnacle. During a memorial for 9-11 at Yankee Stadium, a couple weeks after the attack, he was named America's Mayor by Oprah Winfrey. I actually didn't know

that until this week that she was the one who did that. Really, really bad title for Rudy Giuliani. Then in October, Queen Elizabeth makes him an honorary knight commander of the British Empire. Rudy Giuliani is that. Just on picture him in a night suit. It's super done. is that just on picture him in a night suit. It's super dumb. And then in December, Time magazine makes Rudy Giuliani person of the year for 2001. So naturally, all those accolades from there, America's mayor started a consulting firm and he defended the Sackler family and Purdue pharma in 2002, his very first client against the fascist government overwage that was happening to the Sackler family and Purdue Farma. Thanks to Giuliani, Purdue's basic freedoms were not interfered with.

They were able to keep doing what they wanted to do until now. Giuliani was particularly well equipped for his 9-11 moment though. There were a lot of broken windows. I didn't know that a bit about the cyclers. The mother fucker was the forest gump of evil apparently. He's everywhere doing the evil. He's just right there. Slightly out of frame. No, he's in frame.

Fuck that guy. So, he saves the Sackler family from prosecution in 2002. He has a couple failed campaigns for office. And then he fires up his political advisor career by fucking up one more thing about 9-11 right at the beginning of that. In 2016, Giuliani backed Donald Trump's campaign for president, and during a speech, Rudy said,

in the eight years before Obama became president, we didn't have any successful islamic terrorist attack in the United States that's an exact quote yeah and that's when a really really good fact checker did a bunch of digging like and was able to come up with a counter example I think it was from 2001 and also like a really big list of other counter examples in response to the fact checking, Giuliani said, I was using abbreviated language. Again, exact, well, he abbreviated 9-11 out of existence. I was, I was using dog years.

I was using dog years, not regular years. Yeah. All right, we're gonna move ahead to 2018. That's when Trump was being investigated for colluding with Russia to hack the 2016 election. So Giuliani tweeted some ridiculous complaint about Robert Mueller because the Mueller report was getting the pile at that point. But Giuliani's fucking imbecile. So he didn't have any spaces at the end of his sentences in that tweet. He did have periods though. And if you start a new

sentence after a period with the word in, that means you also just created a link to the ending word of your last sentence, plus the internet country code for India. So he accidentally had G20.in as a link in the tweet. Well, some guy, some amazing person registered that URL and made a site with a bunch of news about Trump and Giuliani being traitors to America. And that new site would pop up every single time somebody viewed the tweet from Giuliani. It's a fun moment. Spoiler alert, this wouldn't be anywhere close to the dumbest way Rudy would pwn himself

in 2018. Not in my ass. Yeah. Uh, in his defense though, he was using abbreviated space. Yeah. No. Exactly. Oh, and by the way, the fact that Rudy accidentally did this and Twitter wouldn't like

undo the fact that that was a link was one of the main reasons, like the main lines of evidence in the Twitter is anti-Republican fervor that directly led to Elon Musk buying the site and fucking it to that. I actually love that. He tricked Elon Musk into losing so much fucking money. He has a lot of side. Good job. And it turns out that Giuliani was also a professional cybersecurity expert. No, the fuck he wasn't. Not at all. But he got paid to travel the world and give lectures. Come on. Cyber security. And he became Donald Trump's cyber security advisor, starting on January 12th, 2017. Literally less than two weeks after that happened. Giuliani had to consult an Apple store genius bar because he got locked out of his eye. After

forgetting his password and trying the wrong password 10 times. The genius guy just like, sir, your balls are stuck in your zipper. There's no way for me to unzip it around your balls. Like I can't get the beans above the leaves. Yeah, let me say this, okay? The Apple Genius bar is literally the reason I pay two ground extra for a demonstrably worst computer, but Rudolph Giuliani is the genius bar final boss, right? Just age hearings and ironic mustache finger tattoos flying everywhere. Yeah, but just to be clear, me and Noah pay for that computer.

So, you did this very nice. Thank you. A couple of highlights from his career in quote, cyber security. For most of 2019, Giuliani spent his time being the literal worst spy in the history of spies. His mission was to derail the Joe Biden campaign, but instead, he became Russia's greatest intelligence

asset by accident, and also got Trump the first of his two impeachments. This includes a trip to Ukraine during which Giuliani conducted back-channel talks with Ukrainian officials and American diplomats using his non-secure personal cell phone while connected to data networks that we know for certain were controlled by the Russian government. But he was using WhatsApp, he mentioned how it's WhatsApp, so it's encrypted, and he's in cogniton mode or whatever. So it's fine.

It's totally fine. And my email to Zelalinsky is almost complete. No, wait, hold on. Personal and confidential. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, shit, I better run and copy and paste that Facebook status before midnight or Zuckerberg alone on my pictures. During that same period with that very same phone, Giuliani was also but dialing journalists and leaving very long accidental voicemails of the conversation he was having in person. And of course those conversations often involved insane snippets about the dumbest spy mission of all time and also about how Giuliani kept spending all his allowance money or that He's also out of money now. It's pretty great meanwhile those journalists they're just listening to these messages

Fucking weeping with laughter and also I have to assume wondering why the fuck Giuliani has an old-time e-phone with physical buttons? 2019. Indeed. Well, we haven't even gotten to the illegal stuff Rudy Giuliani did to embarrass himself yet, so while we stretch our credulities, we'll take a quick break for Apropos of Tyler, Tyler, get in here, big guy. Yes, Mr. President. So you know how you've been having those night terrors where you wake up screaming, oh my god, we're going to jail, we're all going to jail?

Every night since the election, yeah well you rest your tall head big guy because I just hired us America's number one lawyer Ruby Booby honey it's Julianity booby bunny Julianity Jews like money Close enough. Oh, you're a guy. I'm sorry. I thought he just drank too much diet coconut through up again I'm so sorry. It's okay. I get that a lot So either way, I'm really glad you're here mr. Giuliani. We could really use your help Don't worry kid. Where is my Zach Moore is cell phone ability to book the first place I find on Google maps. I could never lead us astray Okay, I guess oh Sarah perfect you're here This is Sarah how could be Sanders my press secretary. Oh shit is that ill-gore the acid slide dude dude. I've seen this guy melt more bodies than anyone else in

Feyrune like ever. No, no Sarah. This is Rudy Boo Boo funny. He's our new lawyer. Oh Okay, sorry. Hey Boo Boo It's okay. I get that You know, that tracks. And we're back. When we left off the cast of MTV's Jackass was warning Rudy to act with a little more self-respect. That's easy. What happened next?

All right, well, that brings us to the Hunter Biden laptop story in the New York nice, the reliable publication. And their source for that story was Rudolph Giuliani. Here's the narrative that Rudy would like us to believe. In 2019, Hunter Biden spilled some water on his laptop, which was alarming to Hunter because laptop was full of incriminating information about his father lying and secret international business dealings.

And of course, videos of him smoking crack. You know how you do selfies of crack smoking and a lot of those on there. Yeah. He keeps all that stuff on his computer for posterity, totally normal. So Hunter hopped on an airplane from California where he lives to find the world's greatest data recovery expert.

And that would be at a strip mall in Wilmington, Delaware. That expert is John Isaac, a huge Trump supporter by chance. Hunter Biden handed Mr. Isaac the laptop, and then never once returned to that place ever again. Isaac had no way of knowing it was Hunter because Isaac is legally blind, but he's pretty sure he could smell the Biden mask on Hunter Biden. Also, there's no security footage

because the legally blind technology expert didn't have that technology yet for his thing back in 2019. It wasn't a big deal to have like security cameras then. I mean, to be fair, how often does a blind guy need security footage? I was thinking to look at it. You know, conservatives are just mad that Biden got a laptop better than Ben Shapiro's wife. So. No, they're all better than Ben Shapiro's wife. He's a...

And continuing in the narrative from Giuliani, via the New York Post. So the aroma of Hunter Biden left, Mr. Isaac worked on the laptop and recovered some data. And against all odds, he found a shocking trove of very specific smoking gun intel on a major presidential candidate. So he figured it was his civic duty to contact the authorities. Eventually, the FBI took the laptop and the recovered data, but Isaac

also made an extra copy of all that stuff. Just in case Rudy Giuliani might need it one day. Well, that one day happened. It was exactly three weeks before Election Day. By the way, since. Yep. So Giuliani took the copy of the hard drive. He went to the best Goddamn journalism team that he could think of, the New York Post and the best writer at the post who refused to put a name in the byline And here's the explanation from Rudy Giuliani about choosing the New York post quote Either nobody else would take it or if they took it it spend a bunch of time trying to contradict it before You know like a second newspaper it for you. You know, like a second newspaper. Yeah, right, right. Feels like a line lifted from his cousin divorce paper. So speaking of Rudy Giuliani press conferences, I think we

need to talk about another moment. Let's not forget about the time. He, I think blew a head gasket and started leaving oil from his face. Gary Oldman profetically crushed that roll in fifth element. Absolutely. Sorry, he, you're saying this like it happened once. I need you to be very specific. Yeah, the rest of his time, head gasket never got fixed. Yeah. And of course, 2020 is the beginning of Giuliani's treason career. Right. Domestic treason career. He was our honest.

An accidental Russian spy for several years by that point. But following the 2020 election, it officially becomes a domestic terrorist like all the way. And that includes poison gas. Farding actually got him banned from Donald Trump's debate. This is the greatest thing. According to author Michael Wolf, quote, Giuliani came to debate prep once,

but no one wanted him back. His phone rang constantly and he couldn't shut it off. He couldn't shut off his phone. He shuffled endless pieces of paper. I think genius bar. It's gonna be genius bar to figure out. I don't know how he silenced it. Off?

Yeah, silenced, right. He shuffled endless pieces of paper without being able to find what he was looking for. He couldn't work his iPad to bring up what he wanted to show. And he passed gas constantly. And exactly. Trump's AIDS actually started telling Julianne the wrong times for the meetings so he would job. But the fart of the goddamn century happened during a hearing in Michigan.

Giuliani farts so fucking loudly during this hearing, so loudly and so clearly that his co-counsel sitting right next to him, Jenna Ellis, almost has to leave the courtroom to avoid laughing and getting like a contempt of court for laughing. It's the greatest. Shellyani Farts like the dream sequence in Terminator 2, and she's just sitting there holding the fucking fence as her hair flies back and she turns into a skeleton. Yeah, not only should you absolutely look up this video podcast listener, but just to give you a little inside information here,

you have no idea how extreme that fart had to be, to be picked up by a directional mic. Thank you. Absolutely. Jenna Ellis should be reimbursed out of the 9-11 first first floor this year. It's like a non-uclidean fart direction. Yeah.

I bet although honestly the fart atoms are more embarrassed by that clip than Rudy is. They're like, oh my god, are we on video with that asshole? Is that so? So ever since the 2020 election, Giuliani's existence has just been getting sadder and sadder. It appears he was splitting his time between two major projects since then. The first was conspiring to overthrow American democracy and the second was selling dumb shit on Twitter

as a giant embarrassing failure. The second thing, the giant embarrassing failure, was way more successful just to be clear. And that includes doing ads for a cigar store and a company that sells retirement accounts in the form of physical gold coins. What? Never loses its value, right?

Heads against a fucking Bitcoin or whatever. And of course, tweeting a promo code for slip on rubber sandals that you can buy at my channel's my poll dot. What? 50 dollars for get to die for these shoes are to die in. You can have that one Rudy. That one's for you.

Okay. But these sandals are not $80 anymore. They're 50 because she's so before the big lie started. Last time Giuliani argued a federal case was 1992. That was the last time he was in a federal court. And he got way fucking dumb or during those 28 years. And he didn't start great. And then in December of 2020, he showed up in Philadelphia trying to tell a federal judge

that Pennsylvania had to change its election laws retroactively and give Donald Trump all the electoral votes from Pennsylvania, which is fucking absurd. But the judge decided to let Giuliani talk, or I'm assuming entertainment purposes. The judge was like, yeah, I got to want to hear this. Let's hear it. In legal terms, we have three levels of a review when evaluating the constitutionality of a statute. Depending on the context, we use the rational basis test, the intermediate scrutiny test, or the strict scrutiny test. So the judge asked Giuliani, which are those tests Giuliani wanted to apply. And Giuliani responded, quote, the normal one.

You say what you think I will say and I'll tell you. So in fairness to Rudy, he actually did get a win in 2021. Actually, two wins, but it was a pair of razzi awards. So it's more like a loss for For his work in Borat Sub-Squint Movie Film, he got worst supporting actor, and also shared the award for worst screen combo. That award went to Giuliani and the zipper on his pants. That was an honor of Giuliani getting tricked

into doing an interview in a hotel room with a teenage girl. Now, okay, to be clear, the girl was a character being played by an adult. But regardless, Giuliani, an attorney for the president of the goddamn United States at the time, showed up at a hotel room with his security team. They didn't notice Sasha Baron Cohen hiding in the adjacent room doing his prank. And they went ahead with the interview. Giuliani eventually followed this woman into the bedroom.

And at one point, he laid back on the bed and put his hand inside his pants. That all definitely happened on video. Now in fairness, Giuliani was probably just retucking his shirt. That was his excuse. And also to be fair, Borat agreed later tweeting a video in which he said in character as Borat, quote, I hear to defend America's mayor. What was an innocent, sexy time encounter between a consenting man and my 15 year old daughter has been turned into something disgusting by making news media. and my 15 year old daughter has been turned into something disgusting by making news media.

But still, okay, at best, Giuliani is tragically, tragically stupid for that whole thing. Yeah. Right. And to be clear, Cohen wasn't sure his actress was safe at the time. So what he did is he burst into the room and in character offered Rudy his ass. the room and in character offered Rudy his ass. You know, I'm not sure exactly when the right time would be to point out that we now live in a world so defined by an insane dedication to bullshit as a cultural norm that literally none of this was a meaningful scandal when it happened. But yeah, is it now? I kind of want it to be now. Well, it's before we got four indictments on the books now in the last four months.

We'll see. So there's so much more tragedy in Giuliani's life, but the format of the show and the laws of fucking physics will not allow every single sad detail. But I'll do a quick lightning round of Rudy's other failures as best I can here before we close it out. On election night of 2020, he started panicking when Donald Trump wasn't getting declared the winner. So he told Trump to just go on TV and self declare the victory.

And even Donald Trump refused to do that. Yeah. The guy who publicly suggested curing COVID by drinking bleach. Oh, I said, like like that idea's dumb. Rudy, that's the voice of reason relative to Rudy Giuliani, that's correct. That same night, an extremely drunk Giuliani had to be wrangled by aides in the White House

like a clumsy toddler to stop him from stumbling around and smashing all the China in the White House China room. Right. A room that presumably also contained Donald Trump, like what I'm saying is it was a tough day for the White House China room. Yeah. Well, no, he Trump did promise to be tough on China. Sorry.

Sorry. The China room. Yeah. China. A bunch of extremely stupid lying about the election, New York State and Washington DC both took away Giuliani's license to practice law. He is now less employed than a podcaster, which is super fun. Oh, that joke is so fucking hard right now. Like, hey, Cecil, Cecil, as your new boss,

I want you to know your job is safe with me. Okay, buddy. That's so fucking hard right now. Did you mean to lighten around? Giuliani once claimed to be quote more Jewish than George Soros who is a Jewish person who survived the goddamn Holocaust. More, more true. Was he raised by a pair of lesbian Jewish mothers? You have to tell us, see? He was not, he's fucking Irish kid. It's probably more Italian.

It's probably more Jewish than George Santos. It's more Jewish than Santa Claus. They're both Jewish, Jewish, right? Moving on in the light around at a shop right grocery store in Staten Island, New York, somebody saw Giuliani in person and called him a scumbag because, of course, you know, he is. Giuliani proceeded to call the cops and press charges on the guy for assault.

Rudy claimed the guy hit him in the back, which felt like a quote gun shot and claimed he almost broke his skull when he tumbled forward from that slap. But there's a video of all this happening and literally none of that. The gun shot was actually a very soft hat on the shoulder. And the guy was like, you're a scumbag and walk fast. Yeah, like that's like breaching full as far out as he can. And again, actual bags of scum. I was trying to tell you that, right?

I hate crime against that. Now, be fair. I have it on good authority that Rudy's bones are the color and brindleness of a Biscoph cookie. So maybe he has a point. All right. And we're going to close out the light around with Giuliani trying to get a preemptive pardon from Donald Trump in January of 2021

for all the crimes that he might eventually get indicted for and that pardon did not happen. And now he's indicted for a bunch of those crimes because Bolton County Georgia District Attorney Fanny Willis is the fucking greatest. And that brings us to a moment so fucking beautiful. I had to save it for the end. Even though it happened with my hand over my card right now. How excited are you, Cecil?

How excited. I'm excited. I'll cap in my cap. It's the single greatest moment of comedy in the history of spacetime. And it wasn't even written. It's not comedians had nothing to do with this. It just happened in reality.

Of course, I'm talking about the press conference led by Rudy Giuliani at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia. Now, the big, high-cracken squad was quite certain that was the posh hotel in downtown Philly. But instead, somebody said, Siri, call four seasons and the iPhone software did the best thing it's ever done in its goddamn life. And it called Four Seasons Total Landscaping, located in the industrial outskirts of Philadelphia, next to the crematorium and the adult bookstore, the phone rang at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.

And that's when a true American hero stopped fixing a lawnmower or whatever and answered. And some GOP lackey said, hi, I worked for Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani, and we book a press conference at your venue. And that American hero said, you sure fucking can. Absolutely. I got you covered. And history was made. Thanks to Heath, I've had a lot of time to reflect on this glorious moment in our nation's history. And you know what still bothers me? Why did they still set up the backdrop? Well, they didn't want to look stupid. Sure. I'm sure. Eli backdrop is doing a lot of work in that sense. It's a great picture. If you write

Trump, Pence on a science fair poster board with a the glitter pen you'd be kicking things up a notch I'm like please shoot me close just shoot me close Please let me see I want to see everybody's hand zoom to in let me see it hands up zooming to 85 millimeter only right Yes, my face. It's leaking. It's fine. I don't know whether we're zooming around. Everyone, please turn in your wide angle lens like Chris,

Chris, to build harmony show. We're gonna zip them in these bags. Oh, so good. So Giuliani and his handlers showed up at four seasons, totally escaping and landscaping people were like, oh, sorry, you didn't pay the extra charge for the front parking lot. You gotta go round back.

So they went around back. And then we got to watch Rudolph Giuliani standing next to window signs for erotic fiction, giving a speech about his ridiculous big lie and then finding out mid sentence during that press conference that the election had been called for Joe Biden. Somebody pointed at him and he responded, the call for the election isn't fucking, wait, who's a call by?

All the networks and the you say all the networks? And then he panicked at this moment, and he tried to argue against the reality of that, but all he could come up with was saying, all the networks over and over with like different tones and all the networks, all the networks, all the networks. I'm stalling, somebody come up with something.

And then when all the reporters started slowly packing away and leaving that wine The press conference. It was the fucking greatest moment in my life. Yeah, yo certainly yeah in any life Rude then Rudy takes a big long I can't do this for you. How hot do you think those other ones get so sad? So I put the picture of him at the podium doing the thing, and it's very sad, but I watch the video again, just to remind myself, I do it like every couple days, and the very end, when it's like, no,

it's just people like leaning up, it looks like there was a press conference about the apocalypse that had just happened. And then like, sadly, a bunch of aides are like putting shit in boxes. It's so great. Maybe so. So happy. Okay. Here is the latest news about Giuliani from last week before we close it out. Apparently, he wasted millions of dollars of his own money defending Donald Trump during that whole stretch. And he's been begging Trump to pay him back. But we all know that's not going to happen.

So now Giuliani is completely out of money. He cannot practice law. And he's definitely going to die. Sad, poor, and alone, hopefully in federal prison. But I don't really care anywhere he does. Sad for a lot of time. Yeah. Right. No. And if you had to summarize what you learned in one prison, but I don't really care. Anywhere he does, that's what a lot of men. Yeah. Right, no, it's me. And if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, I mean, I feel like it's that last thing, but what would it be? Well, yeah, no, it's, if you ever need,

like if you're having any kind of like mental health thing, watch this video, this press conference. It's true, yeah. Also take medicine and go to doctors, but like do this too, it's pretty great. It's actually, unless you're Rudy Giuliani. So it's the new addition of feeling good. And are you ready for the quiz?

I am ready. All right, he, what is Rudy Giuliani's favorite meal to order when prepping himself for a debate? A, the Rudy Tutti fresh and fruity. And that's it. That's it. But he's I hop. Yepuity. And that's it. That's it. That's it. But he's I hop.

Nope. Hey, definitely nailed it. All right, he's what will the eventual Rudy Giuliani movie be called a die another gray B unclaimed fart C like that one. I don't know what. See, a man for all seasons, total landscaping. Oh, my cousin Rudy. He tries so hard, just like Rudy, and he fails. But I forget, does Rudy like Sean asked Rudy when in the end? Does he win in the movie? No, no, he loses. Awesome. I'm gonna say D, Mike doesn't Rudy.

Correct, absolutely. Nice. All right, I have a tough one here for you, Heath. Nothing will ever be funnier than the four seasons total landscaping thing unless and until, hey, we find out Rudy also booked his lodging there and had to spend the night under the counter. He, he tries to book a press conference in Paris and winds up standing in a box of crackers.

See, we get trapped in a doctor strange time loop and we get to relive that moment every day forever like Proudhuck or D reject the premise that was the peak of humor both practically and the around it. It's somehow it doesn't even make sense. It's E all of the above. It is. is it actually is damn it I thought it out yeah you like did I win all right he got to talk about Rudy Giuliani again so he win all right let's get some Noah next bow I don't know if I read it a whole bill price in book in time, but I'll see Tom Noah C. Sol and he's I'm Eli Bosnick. Thank you for hanging out with us today

We'll be back next week and by then Noah will be an expert on something else between Noah and then Did you just hey pal C. Sol like 20 bucks? He really needs it and He can't wait. It's they pass monthly and he can't wait. It's an emergency. Jesus Christ. And if you'd like to help keep the show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. Or actually much more of the street art.

It's a far star review. Anywhere you can't. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpod.com And so I say to him, Ganger, you might have the guts to kill a village of Ragnye, but I don't think you have the stones to eat him. I don't think you do. And I created the most significant contribution to the death of unarmed black men since Jim Crow. Yikes! You're one evil piece of shit, you know that Ruby?

It's rude. Doobie? Close enough.