Citation Needed - Salem Witch Trials

Episode Date: January 10, 2018

The Salem witch trials were a series of hearings and prosecutions of people accused of witchcraft in colonial Massachusetts between February 1692 and May 1693. The trials resulted in the executionsof twenty people, fourteen of them women, and all but one by hanging. Five others (including two infant children) died in prison. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.    

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no assholes to untie me. No, no, no, no can do, Lucinda. Only way to keep us all safe. From your witchery. Yeah, is it witchery? Is that the word? I feel like it's not witch-ness, right? Witchhood maybe, is it? Witchhood?

It's definitely not witch-hung. Witch-hung-ness. No, it's a little, little help here, please. Yeah, guys, I know this week's see so little little help here, please. Yeah guys I know this week's show is on the Salem witch trials, but you can't burn my wife. Yeah, especially not indoor especially not He's safe. She I was promised a burning I am burning something. Yeah, actually I'm with Tom I mean would already gathered I feel like we're crossed. It's point of no return plus she killed you last week I got better. Hello?

And welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject. Read a single article about it on Wikipedia, I pretend to wear experts, because this is the internet. That's how it works now. I'm Tom and I'll be the main character this week, more or less. But what's the leading man without a supporting cast? So first up are two men who have already shed a couple of pounds of New Year's resolutions Ethan Eli couple of pounds

Yeah, my diet is mostly based on Nikki Minaj Lyrist We like skinny bitches in the club. I was like I read that line and I was like dick. Does he mean? Mean's dick I was like, I read that line and I was like, dick. Does he mean, means dick? Also talks about his dick. I was very confused. I'm just saying, you'd think I have it all of 2017 to pull a trigger out of done it. Fingers crossed for this. Yeah, everybody. Oh, no. Me old acquaintance.

All right. Rounding out the cast tonight are two men whose personal style can best be described as unemployed warlock in witness protection. Ceciland Noah. Government, I have noot makes the best lizard melt. Not for the best lizard melt. It's time not for nothing, but don't make the other warlocks think I'm a snitch, okay? We need to happen. Now before we get going, we want to take a second to thank our patrons for inflicting But don't make the other world locks think I'm a snitch, okay? Need to happen. Now before we get going, we want to take a second to thank our patrons for inflicting this show upon the world. And if you'd like to help spread the culpability around a bit and why wouldn't you?

Be sure to stick around till the end of the show. That out of the way. Tell us Noah. What person plays thing concept phenomenon or event? We'll be talking about today. Today we're going to be talking about the Salem witch trials. Keith, you burned away a couple of hours on the Wikipedia article. Are you ready to give us your hot take on the subject or should I struggle through some more fire related puns? I would infer no. Just ask me the fucking intro question. All right, what was the Salem witch trial? All right, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha eventually led to the execution of 20 people, 19 by hanging and one by crushing, we'll get there. And also the deaths of five other people, including two infants who died in jail after being convicted. One of the Dumber moments in American history.

Why is that funny, Cecil? Why is that funny? Because they're babies. a little baby with a long beard, clank and a confidence. Yeah. So definitely one of the one of the dumbest moments in American history, absolutely. Um, but to be fair, it did drop down on the list a bit this year or last year. Yeah. That being said, though, uh, the two baby witches with a big hat over their whole bodies, that was the door.

Yeah, the and getties right before we burden them calendar sold very well. Very and baby witches are better toasted anyhow. I mean, really, best if they have a little pop baby. I mean, really, it's best if they have a little puppy baby. Yeah. Hey. All right. So it all started in February of 1692 when a nine year old girl named Betty Paris and

her 11 year old cousin Abigail Williams started having weird fits or seizures. According to Reverend Dia Dott Lawson, they'd scream, throw stuff, make weird noises and contort themselves into creepy yoga positions. It's actually, it's actually became a tradition between Boston area church leaders and local people. Or the origins. Okay, you find me a nine year old who doesn't have fits and throw stuff. That's your witch right there. Just a polite little nine year old. I was going to, I was going to say that you probably don't meet a lot of nine year olds and then I remember the court order.

That's true. And so can I just say the judge never answered what nanny cams were for us in that case? Like, were they for then? I don't think that is important at all. No. Exactly. All right. So the family took the girls to the doctor, but that didn't really help because again, this was 1692. So the doctor's just some guy who like fondled you and said, you're fine, that'll be one

clump of mud or whatever they were paying for. Pretty sure they used a chicken's back then. You could get chicken to the doctor back in there. Regardless, these fits apparently kept happening and two other girls and puttin them junior and Elizabeth Hubbard claim to be having the same problem with the fits. Yeah, the first me too campaign is less fondly remembered. Oh, yeah. So because the hashtag was a brand. Yeah, so naturally, the only recourse the family's had at this point was to head down to the police station and accuse three local women of witchcraft. And naturally, they chose the poor slutty lady, the atheist slutty lady, and the colored

doesn't really matter if she was slutty lady. Okay, Heath, you're being ridiculous. There aren't any women in atheism. So you must be No, no, no, comedy. There's no women in comedy. Oh, Jesus. You masturbate in front of them. Another innocent. He had consent. It's not clear. Cut that out. Please see me in it clean it It's not if you're funny. It's different. Okay All of it goes all of this I I mean, I thought it was funny. I thought it was fun.

Clip and we're back. And we're back from our first ever sponsor, Sir Popbelly, the sandwich that'll fill you right up. What are you saying? Which is he? Some of that. So this all led to the first three arrests. The poor lady was a homeless beggar named Sarah Good, who clearly had

to fuck some husbands for a potato at some point. And one of the moms definitely saw that happen. It was like, all right, mental note, get this bitch hanged. So that's how that happened. Kind of harlow bastard wouldn't help someone with a will fuck for potato or something. I mean, somebody who misread the sign and got excited, see, so the numeral four looks a lot like an A from a distance. I thought,

I'm thinking, I thought, I thought, I thought, what happens if you just like bingering a little? Oh, jeez. All right, all right, so. Whoa. So there. Oh.

Whoa. All right. Yes. Yes. Oh,. Woo. All right. Yes. How russet. All right. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Russet. Thank you. All right. So there is just an Idaho. All right. So there's one. So which, which was next? Which, which, which, which, which, next up was the atheist lady. She was a nerdy divorcee named Sarah Osborne. And nobody liked her because they could tell she only showed up at church to like placate

all the Puritans and avoid things like which trials did not quite find the sweet spot on that. In fairness, I got the impression, I got the impression she was always like, you know, correcting people and annoying shit like, hey, you can't be more unique. Whatever, go fuck yourself. And you know, she's never let the other person hold the pen for the cross. She was a bitch. She's what I'm saying.

I'm actually happy about her role in all this, but other sad, other ones. Okay, well, I'd like to be the first person to posit that Sarah Osborne was in fact, a witch and is in fact Noah. All right, Eli, you said a six letter word for joy was melon. I love. I love melon. I love knowing. We need to move forward here.

Heath, what's next? All right. And the last of the original suspects was Titchiba, whose name I learned in ninth grade is not pronounced Titt tuba. Got you all this. That's your fault. That's your fault. Mrs. Wiseau. I'm 14. I'm going to say. You know, I'm saying Tittiba there. Obviously. And just as he pronounces it that way, his friend zoomed off a water slide and slammed it in front of the entire English class. Okay. It was an embarrassing field trip.

All right. Very triggered. Anyway, Titt tuba was born suspect. That's the point. She was a slave, most likely from Venezuela, who was owned by Samuel Paris, the father of Betty Paris. The travel bands weren't very strict back then. But the racism was about the same. So, Tichaba was an easy target. Among other things, she was accused of exposing the white girls to dark magic from a book called Malius, Malifakarum. And when she pointed out that the book is actually about exterminating

witches, they were like, she could read. She's a witch burners. On March 1st, all three accused women were sent to jail. All those girls are like, I've never seen dark magic like this big before. And here I am born without a gag reef I'm gonna pay for this potato I'm sure you can Russ it up a solution Russ I Did a russet joke too. It's a very original. I have to point this out because we don't like generally learn Latin anymore, but Malius Melafokaram was a people bull on how and when to kill witches that translates to witches

hammer or the hammer of witches. So the using possession of that to accuse somebody of witchcraft Would be like the 17th century equivalent of reading Harper Lee for help eradicating your mocking birds Three times I read that book I still have my first. It's infested with Martin. At the Home Depot. I need a boo radly. Is there? I don't know where that's at.

I'll God damn it. If I just buy this hammer, can I make one out of my kid? Yes, you can. Yes, you can. I mean, everyone at Home Depot is a little bit boo-rad. Well, you've been staring at that wood for a while, bro. I was going to whittle it.

Right. Clean cut. So. So, uh, the news about the witches spread around. And later that month, several more people were arrested. That included Martha Corey, who basically got thrown in jail for hearing about the witches getting arrested and being like, hey, that's probably fucking stupid. And, um, she was a full member of the Salem Village Church. So this added to the panic as the town realized that everyone was a potential suspect at that point. If you were a woman with thoughts. So another arrest that month was Dorothy Good, the four-year-old daughter of Sarah Good. And she this, I can't stress this enough for year old she literally got put through an interrogation with local magistrates.

Oh my god. Just like shining hot lamps on her and teasing her with a delicious sippy cup of juice. No, I can't take. And this questioning somehow led to answers from the forerold that got turned into a confession that, yes, my mom's a witch. I'm this many fingers. Let me get ahead of that. Okay, but to be fair, that Netflix documentary, making a witch left a ton of stuff out. I will. So far, it seems like they're doing a pretty good job of clearing out the local witch population. That's good to help control the newt population. So I know when did this start getting bad?

This is right. So moving ahead to April 1692. And the panic really starts ramping up all the way. We get a bunch more arrests, including the first two men to get in trouble. So yeah, this is where things really crossed a line. First, they arrested Giles Corey, the husband of the full church lady, Martha Corey, will get back to Giles Corey. He'll turn out to be a badass, but more on that later.

They also arrested a guy named John Proctor for arguing too much during the hearing about the arrest of his wife, Elizabeth. Giles Corey, a man whose last words, I've followed ever since I first read them, gain more weight. I skimmed. I just love the idea that they were going like, okay, guys, we're Puritans. And John seems to want his wife back really bad. They can't be doing Puritan right.

We should probably throw his ass in jail. So yeah, this is when everyone started rolling over and snitching like they were part of the Trump campaign. People were getting arrested and then confessing to being magical witches and just naming obnoxious people they didn't like as their witchcraft accomplice. So you know, share those crossword pens. Eventually about 200 people ended up being accused. And this is a town with like 500 people. My favorite detail about this part of the story is the way that one guy got arrested, but then he got released. Apparently

a guy named Nihamaya Abbott Jr. got taken in by the cops, but then the accusers were like, oh shit. Sorry, no, different guy's specter was cursing us. Like they had a lineup of ghost demons, and this guy got a weird during that process somehow. We're all picturing the lineup seen from the usual suspects, but like Casper and Beetlejuice. Right. At the end of the movie, it's just Casper Soze shootin' Beetlejuice and his tiny shotgun head. All right. So now it's the end of May.

The whole thing was getting way out of hand and the governor of the colony set up a special court just for the witches. Witch court. Witch court. Okay. Stop. Don't do that. All right. The first case was against a woman named Bridget Bishop held on June 2nd.

It went pretty fast. After a prosecutor pointed out that her coat was torn in not one, but two different directions. The grand jury immediately indicted her on all charges. And since the colony was, you know, running at peak bureaucratic efficiency at this point, it had like a TSA pre-checked lane for witches and kind of like Ferguson has for black people and she went straight trial and was convicted later that day. Don't get trials and burgers after that. She was executed by hanging. Yes.

Well, when you're dealing with something as trivial as death, why wait? You know, you shouldn't wait around for that. No fair steal in your interjections from Texas gubernatorial slogans. Fair right? Never rule. Okay. Still so far so good, Heath. There's almost there's operating at almost supernaturally efficiency.

I like it. So they were off to a really quick start and that was good. But apparently somebody pointed out that given the current pace, they'd be hanging almost half the population by the end of the week, which was a solid point. So the court decided to adjourn for 20 days and seek out the advice of New England's community of Christian leaders. And those people got together under the leadership of Reverend Cotton Mather and drafted a letter of recommendations. Fortunately, it suggested having some restraint when it comes to prosecution. But unfortunately, the rest of the letter was like, yeah, but definitely kill all the witches.

I'm guessing that the freedom from religion foundation back then was just one guy in a tiny cell waiting to die. Wait, it's different now. How's it different now? Well, they don't, they have to wait a lot longer. Yeah. Back then it was very quick, very quick. So the court went over to the letter and they took it to mean get creative. So that's what they did. They got super creative about their official courtroom trials meant to legally

prove that a person is doing evil magic in league with Satan, which means, you know, Andrew Torres and a curly wig had to show up for work and make up which tests that could be evidence of which or not which. And what his team managed to come up with was amazing. It's, it's honestly like these spirit ins were all writing for Monty Python. But before we get to all that, Wang, ducks and building a bridge out of her stick a quick break and cue the music for I'm just saying it's it's off putting. It's weird. Thank you for your feedback. Thank you. Is that weirdly tense response from your management book also? You know, you know what Steve? You know

Is this a lunch meeting because I brought my lunch and I but I don't want to eat it if nobody else is to be guys guys I had my idea right right sorry brother. Hey panic. Go ahead. That's fine. I'll just let my food get cold That's cool. Okay, so I was thinking which is Use wants right I just let my food get cold, that's cool. Okay, so I was thinking, which is, use bonds, right? No, that's true, that's why they don't need it. It's chicken, so it's gonna be gross if it's this. Okay, Alan, okay. Sorry, the worst.

So when I was thinking, what if we like, looked around their house for sticks. Like, like the whole house? And the yard too, because they could have thrown it, you know, like the guys throw drugs on cops. Okay, looking for sticks. Good.

Anything else? Anyone? Um, we could torture them until they confess. Oh, yeah, torture. I like it. I like it. Um, okay, but what if they didn't do it, uh, then they won't confess because they won't confess. They didn't do it. Well they won't confess. Because they didn't. They didn't do it, won't confess.

Okay, exactly. I'm just gonna eat, I'm just gonna eat my lunch. Elligan and I, seriously, Ellen, is yelling in your management book too? What else do you read there? I hate you guys, I hate you. I hate you guys. Gotta pass the one, it's gonna go bad. And we're back. When we left off, we were all picturing Andrew Torres and a curly wig

and holding in our bile. So what's next? Okay. So trials are back on and the witch testing was in full swing. This is my day. So I'm sorry. Are we supposed to still be holding in our bio? I feel like we were supposed to still be doing it. Is there an update? I may have fucked this up, guys. We may have to go back.

Sorry, he's sorry. We'll figure it out. I feel like we're always going to be holding in our bio. Why don't we not supposed to be doing that? Is that it? I'm just a cute place. Explain your bio. You're at a tune. Yeah, you shouldn't have to have a, don't we not supposed to be doing that? Is that it? I'm just a cute place. You're buying a tube. You're at it.

I'm a cute place. Yeah, you shouldn't have to have a, don't vomit. That doesn't need to be a sign everywhere. I don't know if this is still a waste of, if you can avoid it. All right. Yeah, so we're gonna go through some of the best witch testing techniques that they had first up.

We have bound some immersion. Now, it's not clear if this one actually happened at the Salem trials, but either way, this is an important test in the history of witch hunting. It's also sometimes known as ordeal by water. The accused witch would be bound with a rope, often with a bag of rocks attached to them and they'd be thrown into a river. And this is based on the belief that water is a pure element that repels evil.

So if she floated up the surface, then she was a witch and they'd execute her. But if she sank, she was innocent and they'd haul the innocent drowned corpse back out and not execute that person. Sounds like the court of one of the federal judges Trump appointed last year. Right. Or at least it sounds like the answer that one of them gave judges Trump appointed last year. Right. Or at least it sounds like the answer that one of them gave when John Kennedy asked him what a liquidated claim was.

Oh, I would, I would Google that. I would. And I'll keep my phone right up there with me in my little, I want to say judge, hutch. Is it a judge? Judge, and if I have to take a break up to the bangy judge. I'm gonna judge. Judge, judge. And if I have to take a break up through the bangy thing, the bangy thing.

I'll just hang in there on the bag, you can't hear that. You can't hear a clacker. Yeah. My grandson has one of those two, so I'm back in the city. I'm sure I'm turning the band's in call and scene. That's what this works, right? I'll call it time out. I'm not too proud of this.

But like, I just, I have a practical a practical question like wouldn't all of them sink? I feel like after the third or fourth sinking one wouldn't you be like, man, they keep coming up innocent. I wish you go back to a more reliable method like the magic eight ball. Is she a witch? My sources say no. Okay, free to go. There you go. When do they not all say what be an improvement?

Not and another water themed technique they used was called dunking. Basically, they had set up a drowning device and almost drown you over and over until you confessed to being a witch or died. It's kind of like action park, actually. In Salem, this was usually a strangely whimsical combination of a sea saw and water boarding that they had.

They'd strap up the defendant on a torturing chair on one side of the sea saw. This is not sounding whimsical and the sea saw. It's whimsical. It's a twist. I was just, okay, I get you. The torture. No, cherry bomb. She's got a picture baby heath on the other side of the thing and they can't dunk her in the water and he's jumping as hard as he can. He's got a back full of tutsy roll pops and she's her toes are grazing the water. I got cherry bombed. I vomited and shat at the same time.

I was saying, yeah, well, so they had to see saw with the torture chair on one side. And they keep dunking you into a river until some evidence emerged or until the problem, you know, just kind of worked itself out in payroll. You asked government still doing this, but it's cool. We're the good guys. So we could totally do that. We are. I feel good about it.

Next up, we have spectral evidence. This was dream-based testimony by people who claimed they were cursed. The accusers would describe dreams and visions they had of the alleged witch doing evil witchy stuff with like, brooms and cauldrons and Lots of excuses about how I was making chili and then like, okay, can we taste it? That's terrible. Where's the sour cream? You're a witch. Wasn't the test. She's just like, no, no, I'm just vegan.

Okay, well then we going to burn you anyway. Yeah. For the worst. That's fair. It's a big part of the trials for a while, but spectral evidence actually ended up being called into question. The claim being that the devil can take any shape. So you know, the dreams could just be the devil in a lady costume like Buzz Bunny.

I told you about that dream and confidence. But, uh, you know, those in favor of spectral evidence pointed out that Satan can't steal your form in the dream dimension without permission from you. Oh my God. What? Yes. So eventually the court stopped allowing the spectral evidence and, uh, turned out there were way less witches than they thought.

I love that there might be transcripts of this debate. Right? The legal question about which forms the devil can take to influence dream testimony in which trials? It's like a turdocking of bullshit. All right. Next up, we have the Lord's Prayer Test. This was basically a roadside sobriety test, but for being super Christian instead of not

being drunk, they'd make the defendant recite the Lord's Prayer. And if it wasn't perfect, you're a witch. And it wasn't just showing that you knew the words. You had to get through the whole thing with like no stutters and perfect diction and no mistakes at all, which tends to be more difficult if you've been sitting in a 1692 jail cell for the last few months, or if you're mentally disabled, but also not a witch, which is possible. Or if you're the president, or if you're hallucinating from eating rye bread that had LSD fungus on it, which is one of the theories about

where all the fits came from. And you know the prosecutor was doing like two-for-flinching thing the whole time. Yeah, right. And then they made all the people of Parkinson's play Jenga. Okay, see, Salt, that wasn't to test for witches and I know you objected to it, but that was the only tournament I ever won. And their money says green is anyone else's fair.

That's fair. Wrinklier, but still good. Next up, we have the touch test. This was based on the theory that if a person was having a witch-based seizure and then they were physically touched by the witch who cast the spell, then the seizure would stop. Yet it was that the evil witch venom would go back into the witch, because witches were stupid and made their spells easily reversible and full of ways to catch you during a trial afterwards.

It's like how if you get bit by a spider, you have to eat it or you'll die. What? No? No? Okay. Moving on. Another technique they used was known as pressing, which is a really nice way of saying we crush you under a pile of large rocks until you confess and repent or die from the

crushing. It's kind of like conversion therapy. Right, except in that system, they just, they just throw the rocks at it. It's basically the same. And this is actually how Giles Cory died. He's the guy who got arrested for being the husband of accused witch Martha Cory, and therefore he was probably a warlock. Well, they couldn't get him to talk

so they did the pressing thing. He was 80 years old just for the record. Jesus. And despite getting slowly crushed by more and more large stones, he went full brave heart and refused to confess and died. Although the big freedom scream was probably kind of feeble and sad little rock songs. Judgy. I'm not even clear how confessing would have helped the issue. All right, I have a warlock. I call you free to go. All right, next up we have the test of the witch's teeth.

So apparently you can't become a witch unless you have an extra nipple somewhere on your body. Or they give you one when you become a witch. It's not clear. It's not weird. But either way, you want to prove it's a weird hazy guy. So if you want to prove someone's a witch, you just have to find their nubbin. It's not just like a normal extra nipple. It has to be a dead extra nipple.

So if you find someone who has a nipple with no feeling and it doesn't bleed when you stab it, that's a witch. And that's why these people spent a sizable chunk of these trials just stabbing women with needles. Jesus. Turns out this often leads to discovery of a skin imperfection and eventually a spot with no blood because there's no blood left.

The least. By the way, this practice of stabbing someone until they had no blood left to bleed would later come to be called tooth cleaning. So fun. Yeah. You're just on the nub and you're like, this milk tastes funny.

What's in it? Is it witch hazel knot? What is that? Oh, she's. No, you're not. And last but not least, we have the witch cake test. This is my favorite one. So you know the old expression that says,

if all else fails, you probably haven't tapped into the power of cakes, voodoo, and the urine of a child. You know. You don't listen. Well, apparently a woman in Salem Village also do that expression. So she told the Paris family about how it works. You bake a cake with rye meal, and of course the urine of a child who got cursed. And then you feed the urinal cake to a dog.

And since the kid's urine still has little particles of the witch inside of it, then the witch is going to feel like a dog is biting her. I'm pretty sure that makes it home a path. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, at some point, a Puritan lawyer was like, prosecution calls Rover the dog to eat exhibit D, which you'll remember is a piss cake. And then they all just stared at some lady, hoping she'd start screaming. I feel like this was just a very convoluted way for 1600's. Eli to jerk off to a dog eating a cake soaked in pee.

On a related note, by the way, I am now accepting apologies from everyone who said I was doing it wrong when I ate those cakes in the urinal, I was killing witches. Why would they call them cakes if you're not supposed to eat them guys? Okay. I would like to transition as quickly as possible from this. Please heath continue. Please. Because you're too proud of what polish.

So the the task kept going through the rest of the year, but eventually the town leaders started to realize that everyone was just, you know, trying to swat people that pissed them off. So by the beginning of 1693, the rules were changed and most of the remaining suspects were found not guilty and released except for a few who, you know, really were. Yeah, obviously. Finally, some justice for Hansel and Greta. Anyway, didn't Hansel and Greta survive and kill the witch themselves?

I feel like they got their just desserts. All right. Okay. I wouldn't know I don't have kids. Shit. All right. That was up there with the dumbest things ever, but there was a silver lining. The Salem witch trials did become a cautionary tale against mass hysteria, sexism, racism

and general religious stupidity. Good thing we cured that back in the 1600s, huh? Yeah. According to historian George Lincoln Burr, the sale of which trials were quote, the rock on which the theocracy was shattered and quote, but then about 200 years later, the GOP of the 1980s was the platform on which the shattered theocracy reformed itself like the fucking liquid metal guy from Terminator too. I'm saying is we need to lure the Christian right into a steel foundry. Is what I'm thinking. Which actually shouldn't be too difficult with the help of a 10 year old kid, just like in the movie.

So we got to go. Oh, I like this plan. Foundry full of Eli's burning. Still, still thumbs up. All right, Heath, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? Be a white man. If you're being born, you want to go with white and male. I think that's the lesson from like all our episodes.

Pretty much. Every episode we do. It works on so many levels. Are you ready to be repeatedly dunked in the river of stupidity for a panel until you confess your ignorance then? I am ready. All right. My question is, what are some past over a burning them to see if they burn mumbling which says what see telling them they were a witch if their hand was bigger than their face or d seeing if you can get them to look at your fingers in a circle and then burning it. I think it's secret answer E. It's if a witch puts their hand above a pile of

shit and it makes a noise, then they're a witch. Is it E? I believe it's E line. That's the correct. It's secret answer. Correct. It's correct. It's super sorry. If accused of witchcraft, it appears to be a no win situation. But what were some options accused, which is did have to survive a drink the whole river to avoid drowning. And I go, be fill your belly with helium. So the teeter totter thing never goes down. See, eat a diet of purist bestis to avoid burning. Good work. Or D build an immunity to being crushed by repeatedly asking out the hottest girl in

the village. Can't be deep because try to try to see. Try to be. It's a. All right, sure. Yeah. Why not? Okay, to be fair, if you had tried B, when your friend kicked you in the stomach, you It's A. All right, sure. Yeah. Why not? Okay, to be fair, if you had tried B, when your friend kicked you in the stomach, you

would have just flown all over the world. It's just, it's really bad. Yeah, it's a shoot. I would have vomited in a really high pitched vomit noise. All right. So, so far so good. I got a tough one here for you. Which of the following is the slowest

seller at the Salem, which trials museum gift shop? Hey, trial by ordeal the board game. B, the help Reverend smoot find Susie's third nipple maze placemat. Is it C the witch cabobs? Even though they they're just sausage they just call them that or is it D that big machine that you crank that presses your penny just like all other like oh we also have to put in the penny and I have to do all the fucking work I have to crank the fucking thing What the fuck am I paying you for All right I Got to assume I got to assume it's D because that be a weird machine to buy like why would you buy

People love the witch kabobs. Oh, they're just sausage. All right, he's last one. Witches are pretty dumb and get caught easily. What are some other dumb ways of getting caught? A, scream. Why won't this blood come off my hands when you're asleep? I just wanna point out that I can't scream in

that for any reason. There are a lot of dreams I could have been having. It's from a Francis Bacon play. I'll kill you. I'll kill you. Oh, I'm going to dunk you so much. It always goes back to bacon, doesn't always back to bacon with you. Dunk you over and over again. All right. So what are some other dumb ways of getting caught after you who remind people of the question here? Son B. Quite a pal, man, a fork. See mistake reply for reply all.

Or D, ask your wife to pass the I fucked your sister at the at the I could have been saying that especially you go back for seconds of that sloppy seconds it gets floppy will you pass don't say it will you pass don't say it I got it the fuck your sister God damn it

fuck your sister god damn it. Fuck your sister. You con golden shower. D. It is not D. It is actually B higher. Paul Man. Yeah. Obviously. Well, that means that Cecil is our winner. So Cecil, you get to be a host.

Why not? Yeah. Okay. I'm get to be a host and I'm going to pick Noah because Noah writes delightful essays. So I think you see. I'm bad at it. She, we could be friendly. We can also be friendly.

We don't have to be antagonist. We're not different. We are uncomfortable. I know. Yeah. No, it was a, it was a, it It was definitely a jab at all the rest of you. Ha ha ha ha. Now it's Austin over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer

and this week's Twitter question. Last week's question was, what part of today's fashion should modern women use to defend themselves? And the answer came from Helen a hand basket on Twitter. Bullet bras loaded with actual bullets. There's a gun rack joke in there somewhere. This week's question is, what's the name of your favorite P-based dessert

other than urinal cakes? Just retweet our Facebook share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you, Tom. All right, well, for Eli, seasonal no one, he time, Tom, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week Back to you, Tom. All right, well, for Eli, Cecil, Noah, and Heath, I'm Tom. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then, Noah.

We'll be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can hear more from Noah Heath and Eli, this Gating Atheist, a Skeptocrat, and God Alpha movies. You can also hear more from me, Eli, by checking out his blog, which you probably won't do, or by underestimating how much you'll regret giving him your phone number. If you want to hear more from Cecil and me for some reason, I don't know.

You can check us out on cognitive dissonance. If you'd like to help keep the show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash legislation pod. Or leave us a five star review everywhere you can, but the money first. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out half step episodes. Yeah, you know what? I can't spend your five star review. I sure can. But make a mortgage with, I really liked it. Yeah, you know what? I can't spend your five star review I sure can't I sure can't I really liked it

Thanks, awesome Terrific Oh, you have an episode suggestion? You know who we ask for those patrons Patrons My grandma sent me a four star review for Christmas Yeah I didn't find it just for thanks, grandma

Grandma's kind of a bitch You want to kick this on social media or check the show notes Be sure to check out say tationpa.com I didn't even find it just for thanks, Grav. Grav is kind of a bitch. You want a checklist on social media or check the show notes, be sure to check out say tationpod.com. Alright, are you mad? I made fun of your management book. I feel like you're mad about that. Are you not talking to me now?

Tom, you want to do some trust falls? Now, Tom, you wanna do some trust falls? Some people really liked those, okay?