Citation Needed - Sgt. Stubby

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

This week's episode contains a series of short, uplifting stories to help get you through your state's stay at home orders. Or worse, your state's lack of them. --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

I miss the door open and door closed noise. Yeah, me too, man. We haven't heard that since the quarantine started, huh? I could just stand up and open the door and close it. You know, that's not it wouldn't be the same. Oh my God, I'm so bored, bored. Tom, you said that like 165 times already. It's actually 163 and a half.

He started to say it once when he sneezed midway through like 22 fucking times and then forget what he was saying. Remember? Okay, I'm a multiple sneezer. It's a thing about me. Let it go. It's all right. Yeah.

Like a skipping record with allergies. Can I tell you what? I wouldn't be so fucking sneaky if Noah would stop ripping up the goddamn carpet and smoking it. That can't even be good for you. Look, if I'm stuck here in quarantine Which you guys I am not gonna be stuck here sober and I've smoked so much weed in here This is basically a THC gingerbread house now

Well, I would be drinking if Tom hadn't finished all the alcohol and hand sanitizer and oven glitter and Redact that you helped on the redact that was a fucking baller afternoon No, that's right. That's right. It was it was We're still afraid of the cat. Yeah, I can't scare you know I think now might be a perfect opportunity for us to sort of talk about the constructive criticism and feedback on jokes that we were talking about before I'm not high enough for this. I don't take notes from Normie. Oh my god. Not again. We're not no I'm a ceasel. I think this is a very important conversation. Look, here's the thing, guys.

I'm just saying shit tits is not constructive. Pons can take a very long time to write. Exactly, heath is right. I'm not saying remove shit tits from a vocabulary. I'm just saying there needs to be a mechanism for when a pun is good. Mm, but there are no good puns, so. That's for me, I hate you.

Okay, hold on, hold on, heath, I hate you. Okay, hold on, hold on Heath, I got this. Okay, what can heretic? Let's just use shit tits for groaners and show me your tits for the good ones. Oh. Eli, put your shirt down. I do this every time you tell upon whether they're funny or not. They're just never funny, but this is what I do now.

Okay, this is my thing. Okay, all in favor of shit tits, show me your tits convention. One, two votes, two votes. Nine, what? Well, shit. Come on. Shit. Okay. Wait, wait, got, I don't want to have this fight again. Let's, let's, let's do something else. I, eight, we could play board games again. Oh, it lose to heath at trouble for the 233rd time. What can I say? I have a knack with the problematic bubble. That's my thing. If I have to fucking play trouble again, I'm going to need two of the fucking pieces, two

of them. Tom, you said that six games ago and five games ago, you ate two of the pieces. So did I? How were they? Were they good? I bet they were good. Well, of course you, they were crunchy. Yeah, that tracks I figured they would be.

Hmm. Besides, it doesn't matter, guys, it's Monday. We got a record of citation needed. Oh, shit. Right. It is Monday. Who's who's the essayist this week? I know idea. No idea what's over. You sure it's Monday? I'm not sure it's Monday. All right. Well, if nobody wrote an essay, I'm thinking we just, we just each go around and talk about our favorite short topic.

It's, it's not long enough for a patron extra. And then we just put them together. Right, right. We are all trapped in here during the stay at home order. It'll be like the de Cameron. Yeah, we have to tell our favorite terminator story. That's James Cameron. But yeah, and it's always terminator too.

That's a stupid idea. It is always. And they all have to be happy stories. No, you know, no, no, Toming it up. Okay. I don't love that turn of phrase. That isn't a turn of. Or hear me out karaoke episode. Yeah. Let's do the, let's do the other short story. Happy up the episode thing. I like that. I don't want to do what he said. My stomach really hurts. Stop eating board game pieces in poison. No, I, I, there's got to be a different solution to that.

Try some chloroquine, see if that works. Hello and welcome! The citation needed uplifting edition. Podcast where this week, we each choose a happy subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the Year of the Playgrat. That's how it works now. Jesus.

And we know it's the fleas on the Rath Donpiener. I'm here, and I'll be hosting this contrived attempt at positivity and joining me in an expert panel of life affirming cock-eyed optimists. First up, three men who put the bear in beard, Cecil Tomini in life. Well, actually, I'm the mascot of the Chicago Beards.

I dress up in a foam costume a Mike Pence's wife. You run screaming from that too. You know the gay community is the only community where there's like a friendly sexy sounding name for unkempt fat guy. I love that. See, and I'm going for the, I know where Curly's gold is, look.

So thank you for noticing, Keith. Thank you. You're welcome. And also joining me, we have a man who puts the D in beard. Please welcome Noah. That joke about what beard have a big boobs. I don't know. Your beard does have big boobs though.

Thank you, Dick. So again, we're changing up the format a little bit this week. Instead of a single topic, we've got a collection of four uplifting short stories to highlight our blessed world and blessed existence. See, so, you're gonna be up first. What's your happy story? Okay, so we all know the story of Oscar Shim. Okay, super happy start.

Good stuff, keep going. It's uplifting at least. We happy start. Good stuff. Keep going. I'm lifting at least. Who had zero? Of course. I had zero seconds. Of course he's the German businessman who saved thousands of lives during the Holocaust.

Eli is so glad he didn't bring up hot dogs right now. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But I want to talk about two other people who did something similar during that time, both use paperwork to save a lot of lives. The first is a Japanese diplomat named Shiyun Suhara. I'm probably badly mispronouncing that. He was a vice council for Japan in Lithuania

at the time of the war. Yeah, and the winner of the emptiest office is. Right. So this is me. So during the invasion of Poland by Germany, there were a lot of Jewish refugees fleeing the country. They fled east to Soviet control Lithuania.

Now at this time, it was dangerous to be crossing borders of other nations without a visa. So when the refugees that came to Lithuania were looking to move on to another, hopefully more stable and safe place to live, they needed a visa to do it. Well, yeah, to be fair, Lithuania's national motto is thanks for stopping by. Yeah. Yeah.

The options for leaving Lithuania were limited. A lot of them opted for Soviet citizenship, but becoming a citizen of a country at war was not a great choice. So they instead looked at other countries that might be issuing visas. So income, Sigohara. At this point, the Japanese government was only issuing visas

to people who went through the immigration procedures and had enough money to actually immigrate. This was not true for most of these refugees. You gotta imagine some of these refugees, they like flee to Italy in 1937, two days later, Italy teams up with the Nazis, they're just like fuck, okay. All right, Japan feels like a good move now.

Two days later, come on. But Sagarhara wanted to help. So he called the home office several times. Each time he heard back the same thing. Unless they have a visa to get out of Japan after they're here, no exceptions. So Gahara knows these people can't stay in Lithuania because they're going to be invaded eventually and he knows that the home office is going to be pissed that him if he breaks the rules.

He does something that's pretty much the antithesis of what someone from Japan would do. You have to understand how strict Japanese culture is to realize the gravity of this, he disobeyed the order. Yeah, and Sepiku is fucking hard to do with a letter opener, so you know this dude meant it, right? Maybe he was really heartless in it. From July of 1940 to August the 1940, he started issuing visas. He would give out 10 day visas at an astounding rate.

He would put an 18 to 20 hour long days just writing visas. He did about a month's work each day. Wow. A lot of the visas he granted were to heads of households, meaning that they would be able to save their entire family, too. Yeah, he actually held the record for most visas issued in a 24 hour period,

right up until they started letting credit card companies advertise on college campuses. I had a fight with it. I had a fight with it. I had a fight with it.. I'm trying to understand. One rumor, which is not substantiated, is that he handed off the consulate stamp to a refugee before he fled the country in September. That'd be awesome.

His son denied the story later. Witnesses said that after the closure of the consulate on September 4th, he boarded the train leaving the country. From the train window, he threw blank copies of Visa, stamped in sign with no name on them to the crowd of refugees around the train. And he is quoted as saying, quote, please forgive me, I cannot write you anymore, I wish you the best end quote. Oh God, I fucking feel this is exactly how I hand out Christmas cards to my kids.

Just hand mask, unsigned and a fucking trail behind me as I flee for my life. Also, again, Japan joined the Nazis at the end of September that year. I kind of did move at that point. Yeah, he's gone for it. Still, it is disputed. How many people he saved with the approximate numbers about 6,000? The hilarious part is the Japanese government

never brought it up. He said years later, quote, no one ever said anything about it. I remember thinking they probably didn't realize how many I actually issued, end quote. I get it, I feel the same way about my blog. Sorry, your blog is like issuing visas to people fleeing the Nazis. That's what you're saying.

Thank you. Thank you, Heath. Okay. So, Cecil, you said you had another person. A second story, perhaps, who's up next? I do, I do. Another World War II story. The other story is about a forger name,

Adolfo Kaminsky. He's a young boy of 16 when the Nazis invade France. A year after that invasion, his mother's killed by the Nazis. At that point, the 17-year-old decided to enter the French resistance movement. He spent much of that time telling the allies about supply shipment locations and movement in France.

Massive shipments at the time were done by railroad, so he's basically a train spotter. Oddly enough, not the worst Danny Boyle flick to get stuck in. I used to make it in the tough three, I don't think. Train spotting seems like easy work. Like trains are not subtle. I just stand by the track. I don't know.

I expect to want to catch the eye. I'll notice it. In 1943, his family was brought to an internment camp in Drancy, France. They were scheduled to be deported to one of the extermination camps at the time and were saved in the eleventh hour by the Argentinian consulate who protested their imprisonment on diplomatic grounds and were released to Paris in December of 1943. How does that work exactly? It's just like, hello, Mr. Himmler.

It's Argentina, Pauling. Did you hear of us? In Argentina. So, you know how countries have to grant wishes to other countries? So, we're keeping it. This will come in real handy for you at the end of the world. Yeah, exactly. I wish it wasn't my daughter's birthday.

Otherwise, we wouldn't have to say yes, but now I have to say yes. Yeah, it's fine. He then started working at an underground lab in Paris, forging documents for Jews and other people that were being sought after by the Nazi regime. He meets this group while researching a false ID for his dead. The group of foragers were having a problem removing some blue ink stains from papers

and he suggested lactic acid. It worked and he became part of the chemical forgery lab. I guess entry exams were a little easier back then. I don't know. I feel like I know how this really went down. Oh no, I spilled my milk all over my documents. It's working. I mean, it's working.

Yes, exactly. I meant to do this. Okay, I just want to point out based on that doodly dood just now. Eli thinks Lactic acid equals milk. Yes. Because it has lacking in. Well, to be fair though, it would fuck up the skin

if he had like spill sourdough bread on his dog. Thank you. Thank you. I'm cute now. He learned some printing processes and starts making forgeries that are printed just as well as real paperwork. They're referred to as real false documents. Eat your heart out, Kellyanne Conway.

Started to produce so many that the lab he was working in was the main producer of these forgeries for the resistance. He was so dedicated to his work. He has quoted as saying, quote, keep awake. The longer possible. Str struggle against sleep. The calculation is easy. One hour I make 30 false papers. If I sleep one hour, 30 people will die." End quote. Over the course of the war, he saved the lives of over 14,000 Jews.

Wow. Also killed thousands by sleeping. So then, Jesus Christ. There's that. So he's more than twice as heroic as the Japanese guy and an order of magnitude better than Oscar Schindler. Interesting. I love that you have the yardstick out right now.

That's my favorite part of this. In August of 1944, after the liberation of Paris, Kaminsky joined the French army and was one of the soldiers that marched to Germany. And his service helping Jews wasn't finished. He was, quote, awarded the Medell de Resistance and was engaged by the French military secret services who trusted him with making false IDs for spies sent behind the lines in order to investigate and detect the location of concentration camps before their dismantlement by the Nazis.

And this is just one chapter in Kaminsky's life. He went on to quit the military at the beginning of the Indochina War refusing to support colonialism. He worked with the National Liberation Front of Algeria and the French draft dodgers for the Algerian War and forged enough money to help destabilize the French economy. Wow! After a ceasefire was signed in 1962, he burnt the money in a huge bonfire saying, quote,

it never entered our heads to keep the notes, money always leads to problems." And quote, he worked with other leftist organizations in Latin America and Africa. He worked with the Greeks against the far right in that country. And he also helped Americans dodge the draft for Vietnam. He always worked free of charge as long as he agreed with the ideals of the group and the cause they were fighting for. Nice. Oh, my turn.

It's my turn now. My turn. Is your story true, Eli? Are you kidding? It's so true that even Wikipedia was afraid to cover it. No, not true. No, it's not true. It's a big skip. Fine. Fine.

All right. All right. I'll go next. Somebody asked me, who is private voice tech of the Polish army? No, I don't do that. Just tell your story. You look like a Nazi. So voice tech, private voice tech was a Syrian brown bear purchased in Iran by a unit from the Polish army in 1942 because somebody wanted a pet bear. I'm sure. Sounded like an amazing idea to me when I read about that. So I immediately googled how to get a pet bear. But it turns out the answer from Google is,

do not do that. Just about every article I found said something like, but it turns out the answer from Google is, do not do that. Yeah. Just about every article I found said something like, yeah, you're technically allowed to do that in lots of places, but you know, you'll probably end up in a crazy blood feud with some lady who murdered her husband, you'll end up in jail, that's not ideal.

Also, the bear's gonna murder you. It might like ride your weird penny-farthing bicycle for 20 years. But then, I don't know where you're gonna like chew with your mouth open one day. It's gonna eat your fucking face. Don't do that. Okay, to be fair, I've never met someone with a pet bear or tiger whose face would be like a great loss to society. So, I'm just a dream, man.

Maybe this is just the kind of thing that works itself on payroll hard to great. Yeah. Thanks for a great magic show too. But yeah bottom line don't try to tame a bear. Okay, not fair. They show up to the club wearing a harness and a leash. That is a mixed message. That's not fair to me. So bottom line, don't try to tame a bear. But the panchal army didn't have expert sources like Korra and Fortchan the way I do. So they bought one and they quickly realized, this was not the best idea.

Turns out an average bear eats about 20,000 calories a day and sometimes up to 60,000. And if you're giving them less than, you know, whatever the fuck they want, it does not go away. But apparently, Voytech was part of the Polish army for almost three years. The Polish caretaker is told he can only have one thing that he'd 60,000 calories a day.

So he tearfully releases a young Chris Christie into the wild. Come on. Get out of here. Oh, the other Chris Christie. I don't love you anymore, Chris Christie. I don't love you anymore. Take your transition team with you.

Chris Christie gets shot at the end of that story. Oh, that sounds great. Thank you. Let's tell that to happy story. Oh, yeah, let's switch it over. Yeah, no. So the the origin story of Voytex military career began in the spring of 1942 when a Polish unit was traveling through Iran along with thousands of civilians who had been relocated during the war. In the city of Hamadan, they ran into a local kid who found a bear cub whose mother had been killed by hunters. And that's when one of the civilians, an 18 year old girl named

Irana, decided she really liked the bear. So she asked one of the officers to buy it for her. And he agreed because Irana had a really cool personality. So I'm sure, yeah, Voytax spent the next three months living with Reyna at a refugee camp near Turan. What's eating 20,000 calories a day on average at again, a refugee camp in Wow. All right, guys, this is so bad. I'm so American that I had to Google Iranian bear and I expected to learn about some kind of desert There's an effort to interrupt. I mean, I feel like that made for some awkward conversations at the refugee camp, right? Okay, everyone the morning refugee camp announcements Stop it boy tech. Stop it. I'm trying to listen. Right. Right. So food is running pretty low. Has been for

last couple of weeks, wondering if anybody has any suggestions as to how we might deal with this. I mean, it's pretty obvious. Look at the. Hey, Irina,, do you have any ideas how we might deal with the food problem in the camp? Hmm. Why, I'm thinking seriously, seriously, maybe, maybe something to do with Voitec. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got an idea. Great. So, Voite tech and I will hunt for berries. That'll bring in some food, right?

I hate you. I just want to say, sad bear noise is the funniest thing you've ever written. Sad bear noise. Alright, so eventually it became obvious how stupid it was to have a pet bear thing you've ever written. Sad and upset. All right. So eventually it became obvious how stupid it was to have a pet bear while being a refugee. And Raina donated him to the 22nd Artillery Supply Company. And that's when they named him Voytec, which is the nickname version of Voytex. And it means happy warrior apparently. So some guy in this company,

shh, shut up and camp with a bear, and everyone just started guessing about what voice tech should eat and drink. And they landed on condensed milk from an old vodka bottle. Old vodka bottle, yeah. Fruit, marmalade, honey, and syrup. And as a reward for good behavior. It's gonna be so hyper.

That's a good deal of sugar there. I don't know, you wanna hike a bear? You wanna realize that it's not clear. Is it a hummingbird bear? What? Okay, well that's the most adorable thing I've ever heard of. I'm just a bear hovering right in front of you for seconds. Flies on.

Lands on your hand and crushes you. That's what you're doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing.

That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing.

That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm getting that one, too. The wings stay the same size. So I'm just... But yeah, they're giving him condensed milk. Maybe with vodka, maybe it was like powdered milk mixed with the vodka, it's not clear. A whole bunch of sugar stuff. Also, as a reward for good behavior, they gave him beer, which became, Voytex favorite drink. Yeah, well, yeah,

because the thing that makes him bear so dangerous is the sobriety. No, I get it. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. They barely manage to solve that problem. Oh. So, uh, Boy Tech was apparently smarter than the average bear.

And he quickly started learning to be useful. When it was cold, he'd sleep with the soldiers at night and be the big spoon warm them up. Okay, to be clear, that wasn't always welcome, but sometimes you just have to grin and bear it. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Show me your Ted's time. And when they had free time, the convention fight.

Voytec would wrestle with the soldiers for fun. And he even learned to salute when greeted by an officer. And this is my favorite part. Apparently, Voytec would mimic everything he saw, and that included marching on his hind legs to look like a human. That's amazing. Fucking adorable. And also, he would mimic stuff.

He started smoking cigarettes. Nice. And what? And eating them is what I read. You guys mimicking that? You lied to me. This doesn't taste anything like a guy named Winston. So over the next year and a half, Voitech traveled along with the soldiers and became fucking enormous like bear is often. Yeah, he was 200 pounds by the end of 1943 and eventually grew to almost 500 pounds.

So that brings us to January of 1944 when Voytech got his first taste of live combat in World War II. That winner is unit got assigned to fight alongside British forces in Italy, but when the British transport ship arrived to pick them up, the British officer in charge of it was like, no, no, no, absolutely not. What? You're all stupid. I can't believe I have to say this, but no, that's not

happening. I'm making a rule right now. No giant bear mascots. I can't believe I have to say this, but that's the rule. Giant bear mascots. I can't believe I say this, but that's the rule. And that's when Vitech got officially enlisted as a private into the Polish army to get around the rule of Stuck. And then the Polish army is throwing mascot paperwork out the train window to all the refugee bears outside. Sorry, I couldn't have done more. Alright so Vortex enlisted. He's got his own pay book, his own rank, his own serial number. A British Navy captain is fucking furious, but you know, had to respect the awesome technicality and they took him on the ship.

Vortex on the boat going Italy. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So the guy was just like, ah, rules are rules. I mean, otherwise I'd have to explain that they fucking pretended their bear was a guy. Yeah, it was, it was. So they, they fucking air-botted the goddamn alarm. I did.

I did. Absolutely, great. Amazing. I love that so much. So they arrived in Italy and the company started fighting in the Battle of Monte Casino. And this is when private voice tech of the bear became a war hero. During the battle, he watched his fellow soldiers carrying ammo and started doing the same

thing. He started mimicking that. According to this company, the men were teaming up for it at a time to carry these really big crates of artillery shells. And Vitech was like, all right, cool. I'm gonna get the fuck out of the way with your little baby arms, I got this. And he started picking up these crates

of explosive shells all by himself, the ones that it took four guys to carry. He's got them all by himself and he's carrying him onto transport vehicles allegedly without ever dropping a single shell or crate. Admittedly, that's pretty bad as all the second of men who people are like, see, that's why we need a right to bear arms.

Right there. He's so fucking crazy. See, so show me your tits so much. It's smashy. I'm gonna motorboat you right now, see. He's a boop boop boop boop. That's fantastic. The Battle gonna I'm gonna motorboat you right now. See the battle of Monte Casino was a real fucking gamble. I'll tell you that. Oh, so.

Yeah, I know it's fucking take it Eli. Eli's loving today. I just was gonna happen to you once your kids born, right? Once you're a dad, that's what happens. I'm gonna canoe your your tits Tom. That was not bad. I'm going to canoe your tits, Tom. That was not bad. So, side note, nothing about Voytec was mentioned in the Wikipedia article for the Battle of Monte Casino because bigotry. Anyway, following battle, which was a victory for the Allies, Voytec was promoted from private

to corporal for his heroism. Yeah, but I mean, he barely noticed the promotion. And in recognition of his heroic service, 22nd Artillery Company adopted a depiction of a bear carrying a giant artillery shell as their official emblem on their flag. He's also an artist. He statues all over Europe and several mentions in popular culture. This includes an Easter egg in the video game Hearts of Iron Four that you can earn by playing

as Poland, apparently it's a World War II game. You earn it by playing as Poland, having troops fighting in Italy, controlling the Iranian province of Hamadon, and remaining non-aligned is what I read. And then last part feels super problematic. It's a game that we're working. I want you to be aligned. I want it to be clear the alignment there. Regardless, that Easter egg achievement is called bearer of artillery bearer. I'm going to throw this out there. Weird place for a pun. No such thing. I'm just I'm picturing the story.

I'd Polish recruit asking some senior officer about the emblem. You know, does that bear represent the way our nation emerged from hybrid nation to defeat our enemies? Does the great represent the great historical burden that use our nation's tragic story? He's like, no, bear carry box ones. He eats no free honey. There's so emblem is something that happened a single time that they were brought up. We're gonna switch to bear, bear eating cigarette. I'm not sure, what are we gonna do? That's weird.

That's weird. Alright, so after the war ended, the company was stationed in Scotland, where Voytec quickly became a local icon. Then, in 1947, he was given to the Edinburgh Zoo, and during the years following the war, Polish soldiers would visit him and toss him cigarettes. In its area. It's a bullish thing. You wouldn't understand. So, boy, tech has spent the rest of his life at the zoo happily eating tobacco up

and eventually passing away in 1963, the age of 21, a hero who helped kill Nazis. Italy was on the Nazi team, by the way, it just feels like we don't repeat that enough for Italy. Nazi team also, Japan too. And on that note, we're going to take a quick break for some opera pub, nothing. Welcome back to CNN. As we'll never let you forget, the COVID crisis is gripping the nation. But the first lady is doing

something about it. Her new initiative to stop the bullying of people who suffer from coronavirus is kicking off this week. Welcome via Zoom, first lady Melania Trump. I wanted to start. Thank you for having me, Brank. Well, we are very glad to have you anytime. So I wanted to start tonight to talk to you. Pleasure to be here. We are so happy you could take anytime. So I wanted to start tonight to talk. It's a pleasure to be here. We are so happy you could take the time out of your day, first lady. The initiative is to help you.

JR busy, but never too busy to talk to June. And we love having you on anytime, Madam, first lady. Our country is in the grip. That's so happy, our schedule is linked up. Me too. It looks like our schedule is linked up. Me too. It looks like our producer is telling me it's time. Thanks so much for joining us today, first lady. Thanks for having me.

Next up, billionaires are sad you're taking 1% of the stimulus money. How can you help keep them afloat during this trying time? Stick around. Look on the bottom, the ticker will tell you how many people died. ["The Ticker"] And we're back.

Oh, my turn, my turn. Is your topic something real Eli? Yes. Like real, real, or like Eli real. Real real. And is it happy? Are you gonna tom it up? Okay, you too, Cecil.

I'm sorry, it's just really catchy. Tom it up. Tom it up. It's kinda happy. I'm sorry, what do you mean kinda? I mean, how do you feel about Charlize Theron's dad? No, no, that's coming it up. It's kind of happy. I'm sorry. What do you mean kind of? I mean, how do you feel about Charlize Theroux instead? No, no, that's coming it up. Okay. Okay. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll show you. I can tell a story where no human dies in this

story. No human dies. Yeah. It's a weird distinction. Why are you making that distinction? I just feel like you're about a distinction. That's a strange thing to say. Relax. That's not even something. It's going to be fun. I just feel like you said that we're in that's a strange thing to say. Relax. That's not even something. I just gonna be fun. I promise it's gonna be fun. Oh, definitely. But fine. Okay. So it all started during a little something called World War One. God damn it. What did we just say? Come on. I explained the rules. I don't listen either time. Here we go. Okay. You guys got to like this. So the year it was 1917 and the 102nd Infantry

were training on the campus of Yale University, getting ready to ship out to the European meet grind. Okay, time you're cut off. You're just cut off. This isn't, no, no. Okay, wait, I'm gonna, the best part, the best part is coming up because I'm gonna meet grinder to the side.

Okay, so the men are training and getting ready to ship when a dog wanders onto the grounds. The dog's described as being of uncertain breed, but only at least some of his parentage to the evolving family of bull terriers. It looks to the pictures very much like a stubby short little pit bull. And he was quickly taken up by one of the soldiers, a guy who, right? And I promise this guy does not die. But instead he smuggles this little bulldog thing aboard the ship by hiding the dog in his overcoat.

So when the dog is eventually discovered by the soldiers commanding officer, the dog now named it stubby, so glued in the officer as the soldiers to train him to do. And then the officer allowed the dog to say, I'm bored. Okay. Is there something about once an animal gets on a boat,

it's safe in the rules, is that a thing? What's happening? They go to be clear here, don't like. That's like, they sick maritime law. They're in the middle of the goddamn ocean, right? Like, I mean, the alternative to letting him stay on board isn't like sending him off with his little dinghy. It would be adorable.

It would. They give him a little dog paddle. It would sit for two. All right. So stubby the dog served with his troops in France in the trenches for eight months. He entered combat on February 5th, 1918 and he was pinned down alongside his buddies under constant fire for over a month. Yes, his uplifting time. All right, I don't, that's a word. I'm going to look that up.

In April of that year, taking part in a raid, stubby was wounded by a grenade tossed by a retreating German soldier who probably ran away because he's being chased down by a goddamn pitful. He goes back with the grenade. Stubby do not fetch that job. Drop it. So he got in here now. Stubby was sent to the rear to convalescent while he was recovering.

He dramatically improved the morale of his wounded comrades just by like being a goddamn dog, which is awesome. That's just great. That's fantastic. Just a bunch of wounded soldiers wearing big cones on their head. I don't sell that. Hey, you know what, this actually helps. I was scratching. I was scratching.

Be like stubby. So after returning to the front lines. What the Monk Fox said to dog back to the front lines? Thank you. Thank you Noah. Okay, all right, uplifting. So stubby was wounded in a mustard gas attack. Oh my God.

Tom, you just set up lifting half a sentence. Oh my, oh that. So the troops fitted him with his own little doggy gas mask. And my dad's gonna give him a little. I know that that is like dystopian as shit. I do. But like these pictures are still kind of fucking amazing. He's like a steampunk puppet stubby.

It's fucking great. And like stubby just figured out that like, mustard gas really sucks, right? So he became a canine early warning system for incoming gas attacks. He alerted his comrades and arms by running along the trenches, biting their feet and barking. And it was after his first such early morning gas attack alert that stubby was awarded his first official military rank. On April 5th, 1918, stubby became private first class stubby. Okay, yeah, maybe he was just fighting them for bringing him back into the war after his

second fucking injury. We know. We don't know. I stubby was a better sport than that, I think. injury. We need to go. We need to have a no. I stubby was a better sport than that, I think. stubby was uniquely capable of locating injured troops in the chaos of no man's land. No man's land was that hellish space between trenches where wounded soldiers often languished for lack of help.

stubby found them amidst that carnage and he either dragged them back to safety or he barked his fucking head off until hope came and he only did this for troops on his side. He could tell the difference between uniforms and he never tried to help the enemy because dogs are fucking loyal and not a bunch of shitty traders. That's a lot. Well, I mean, that didn't stop us from opening those German shepherds in tournament camps, but yes, they were all in all of that. They were not a good dog.

All right, and perhaps Stubbi's greatest military accomplishment came when Stubbi literally sniffed out a German spy who was hiding in some foliage. Stubbi sent it this guy and clamped down on him literally drags. He like he drags this fucking German guy out from hiding and pinned him down until the German was captured. And for finding and subdoing a German spy, private first class Stubby was nominated for promotion and became sergeant stubby. What? The dog in rank five?

Oh, they're soldiers. German spies just in the bushes. Futs these, dog in mask. That's normal. That's normal. Good book. Who's the asshole? Get a salute to the dog, too, right?

Like, he's gonna want five. I'm like, too, right? Like, yes, sir. Yes, sir. So after the town of Chateau, TRE was retaken, the women of the town were so enamored of brave little sergeant stubby that they made him a chamois coat, a German iron cross, which was taken from the captured spy as well as two wounded stripes and then a bunch of other metals and honors and shitheading earned were pinned to his coat. There are pictures of this fucking coat that he wore. It is goddamn adorable. When the war ended, the same soldier who had smuggled stubby to France once more smuggled him home again in his overcoat.

Whereupon Sergeant Stubby soon became a hero. Across the country, Sergeant Stubby not only marched in, but fucking led parades. He was the leader in city after city. Sergeant Stubby met and shook pause with Woodrow Wilson, Calvin Coolidge, and Warren G. Harding. He starts growling at Obama. with Woodrow Wilson, Calvin Coolidge, and Lauren G. Harding. He starts growling in Obama. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. That is just

is you took way too long. So later, Sergeant stubby had a career in show business. He performed on Vogueville stages and he earned more for a single performance than many men at the time earned in a week's wages. He was awarded lifetime memberships to the American Legion and the YMCA. It's obviously a fun place to stay even if you're a dog. So he had nothing. None more, I looked up like,

didn't Tom, to a budget, newly unemployed people like stories of an abused dog making more money than. And hey guys, we're not if you don't account for inflation, you're way out. Oh, we're reading into it by reading it. In 1921, Sergeant stubby was presented a gold medal

from the Humane Education Society. And then he attended Georgetown University Law Center. Grant, it was with his owner. Oh, okay. Not as good. One star. One star. Stubby became the Georgetown Hoyas team mascot.

Amazing. And half time. Oh, he's the basis for the Hoyas. That's the Bulldog and Sergeant Stubby. Yeah. And half time at Georgetown Games, Sergeant Stubby would be given the football to play with for the amusement of the crowd. And this may have actually been the genesis

for the modern halftime show, possibly also the puppy ball. Right. Sergeant Stubby, decorated war hero, attendee of Georgetown University, leader of parades and mustard gas alarm clock, having shaken pause with three presidents, died peacefully in his sleep in 1926. When he died, the New York Times ran a half-page

obituary for Sergeant stubby. It is significantly greater length than the obit for many notable men and damn near every other soldier. Sergeant stubby now resides preserved on actual display at the Smithsonian. I'm getting a cell phone. And. And. And. And.

And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And.

And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. Okay, so I want to get plenty of time up front that my happy story takes place during Probably one of the least happy times in history the siege now. Is it now? It's not now It's a little bit worse than now. It's the siege of Lenin Graham Now the siege of Lenin is definitely All doing this wrong is doing this wrong. We are. We all will.

We all will. We're sorry. We're fucked. If the only time humans are good enough to be worthy. So the Siege of Lennongrad definitely deserves its own essay. The whole thing is a story of human resilience on a scale that's truly mind-boggling. But there's also a lot of stories of not human resilience,

right, like just that. That's all so. Yeah. As the author, John Green, from whom I heard this story, puts it in perspective, quote, if you add together all the American deaths from all the wars in the history of the United States, that's about 1.4 million Americans that have died from war. More than 1.6 million Soviet citizens died in a single city in World War II during the 872 day siege of Leningrad. I'd say it's time for America to up its fucking gays.

I mean, Eli not for nothing, but like at least 1.6 million of them weren't all that fucking resilient apples. Yeah, no, straight for the fucking economy. Yeah. all that fucking resilient app. That's the nine-grants. That's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants.

And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants.

And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants.

And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. And that's the nine-grants. of the siege contained over 250,000 samples of everything from wheat to rice to wild berries to potatoes. Okay. Well, normally they're in a siege. You can't yell out the wallet, you're out of me. We got seeds in here, motherfuckers, they're fine. But that seed was actually long enough for those to be used for.

Right. Well, we'll get to that. So first, a quick word on seed banks. If you're not a farmer or an agricultureist, you probably never heard of a seed bank, unless you were like strapped for cash and looking for free porn. But seed banks are actually vital

to the agricultural progression of human beings. Seed banks are different in prosperity gospel. You give your church leader a bank, and then they hope a fairy tale will give you a bunch of banks at a later date. It's an weird exchange. But wait,ly, I love that very Trumpian. I've never heard of this, so nobody else knew about it until just now to intro. That was very, very, very, well done. Excuse me, Mr. Seed Bank 50-dollar. So, Seed Banks are actually really cool. They're like mad scientists for food.

They collect various plants from all around the world and they make like stronger, tastier, and sometimes even bugproof versions of the stuff that we eat. In fact, pretty much every fruit, vegetable, or grain you have ever eaten came from the tireless work of seed banks. And then we put the word Franken food into the dictionary because fuck all that tireless work. Right.

That's true. So like I said, Leiden Grant had the largest seed bank in the world at the time of the siege. And as the bomb started to fall, scientists literally grabbed what they could and brought it inside to keep it safe. Well, the word bank implies that this stuff is inside. Does it not? I don't know.

I just had seeds. Loose piles of seeds. I don't know. That's what she's having. You see. Most people in the city of Leningrad didn't die from bombs or bullets. They starved. Between starvation and disease from 1941 to 1942, 100,000 people in the city died a month.

Jesus. Again, according to John Green, I love this quote, one woman was so thin she was mistakenly stacked with corpses until her husband insisted she was breathing. Their son Victor had already died of diphtheria during the siege, but the couple both survived and went on to have another son in 1952 named Vladimir Putin. The idea that Putin is the product

of four out of four horsemen of the apocalypse connects a lot of dots for me, man. He does have a real replacement. Kid feel to it. Doesn't he? Talkin' just if you're listening, Vlad, and I know you are there, the one saying mean things about you on. I'm a fan because you're gonna win because of the thing with your mom.

Anyways. Anyways. He's so good at hockey too. Yep, he's good at whatever he wants to be good at. Anyways, through all this suffering, the scientists in charge of caring for boxes and bags of potatoes, rice and berries didn't eat them. They protected their charges instead of, you know, chowing down on them, keeping them safe from rats and the cold, they babysat more food than they'd eaten for more than a year without breaking.

Oh, you know one guy's got a chia pet with giant potatoes coming out of it. He's like, no, I already had this. So, again, another quote from John Green, quote, when asked about it years later, one of the workers, Vadim Lennetovich, was asked about it years later, one of the workers, Vadim Lenovic was asked if it was hard keeping from eating the rice and wheat and potatoes all around him.

He replied, it was hard to walk. It was unbearably hard to get up every morning to move your hands and feet, but it was not in the least difficult to refrain from eating up the collection. What was involved was the cause of your life, the cause of your comrades lives. Jesus, these people are food you and ex guarding a harem. That's ridiculous. No shit like if my wife bakes a birthday cake, I have to leave the house until I hear the first

bars of happy birthday clearly audible or I'm going to eat that fucking cake. I'd have eaten all that goddamn granola in the seed bank by first hour of training. So in total, 28 of the Institute scientists literally starved to death surrounded by food that would have kept them alive. The Institute of Plant Industry still survives today and it is still the largest seed bank in the world and has been able to prevent countless famine industry still survives today. And it is still the largest seed bank in the world and has been able to prevent countless famine and starvation

thanks to the sacrifice of a few very brave people. Couldn't I have just gotten replacement potatoes after the war though? I just don't know the way I could eat some potatoes. And then yeah, I look, we didn't know we think of that. Doesn't planting stuff lead to more seeds? I bet. I mean, it seems like they had at least like 28 scientists worth of a meat bank.

Oh, come on. Some point. Just reason to starve. We're not allowed to meet on them at that point though. All right. Well, Eli, if you had to name, you know what? Any single thing you wanted to do during this entire episode, what would you say? Once the animal is on the boat, you have to let him stay in the army.

Apparently, the bird is actually the same. The bear can't play in the army. It's the rule. It's a true thing. No takes, he's back. All right. And Noah, are you ready for a quiz from the panel about each of our stories? Sure. Sure. Yeah. Why not? All right.

I'm going to go first. Which of the following was private voice texts, favorite theme song? Was it a seven hibernation army? B, Kodiak yellow C Too below honey. That's just an awesome song by the Mars or D Or signed sealed delivery Your city show me your tets buddy Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with secret answer E the answer is D show me your test answer the answer is D show me your tip. Yeah.

Yeah. Hmm. That is incorrect, but I was doing it. It's it's complicated formula, but incorrect. Pretty sure it's pretty sure it's correct. I'm pretty sure I had sergeant stubby is an adorable nickname. Hey, only if you're a dog. B seems to mock a lot of war vets actually.

See, it's funny anyway. Oh my god. I'm going to go with the secret answer, D. My wife calls me that because she likes that dog story. She likes the story. I'm sorry. Unfortunately, D. Yeah.

And it's a lower case. All right. Noah, which of us would be the first to eat the seed bank? A. Keith before the seeds began because nobody explained that we weren't allowed to eat the seeds. B. Tom, during the seeds because he didn't know rice counted his seeds and you guys should have been way more clear See me because it's the only vegan food available or D you for spite

D me for spite that we can get more potatoes We can't get more potatoes, but we can if we don't that is correct You All right Noah. What's the best name for a movie about people fleeing Germany by train a yellow star jeeling limited Sater on the Orient Express Thomas the Tenak engine or D 310 to Juma Right, I sure I'm sure to feel like the entire purpose of this episode was so that you could say

Be say to run the world be stressed. I'm gonna go with B. I'm gonna go with this. Oh, I'm sorry. It is 310 to Juma Cecil well done though. You stomped him the other way. I'm literally rhymed with the correct one. Oh, amazing. Well, why don't we choose Tom for next week? No, what?

You said my name. Tom, it is. All right, well for Tom, Noah, Cecil and Eli. I'm Heath. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week about then, Tom. We'll be an expert on something else. Or talk about something else.

Between now and then, you can hear Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Distance, and you can hear Eli Knowing myself on Godolphin movies, The Skating Atheist, D&D Minus, and The Scepticrat. And if you want to help us out, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, or take a look at the show notes. Be sure to check out CitationPod.com. Anyway, Mrs. Trump.

Frank, you're Jeff. I think we can go. Thank you.