Citation Needed - Sleeping Beauty

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

The earliest known version of the tale is found in the French narrative Perceforest, written between 1330 and 1344.[7] Another was the Catalan poem Frayre de Joy e Sor de Paser.[8] Giambattista Basile wrote another, "Sun, Moon, and Talia" for his collection Pentamerone, published posthumously in 1634–36[9] and adapted by Charles Perrault in Histoires ou contes du temps passé in 1697. The version collected and printed by the Brothers Grimm was one orally transmitted from the Perrault version,[10] while including own attributes like the thorny rose hedge and the curse.[11] Sun, Moon, and Talia (Italian: Sole, Luna, e Talia) is an Italian literary fairy tale written by Giambattista Basile and published posthumously in the last volume of his 1634-36 work, the Pentamerone. Charles Perrault retold this fairy tale in 1697 as Sleeping Beauty, as did the Brothers Grimm in 1812 as Little Briar Rose.

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Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts because this is the internet. And that's how it works now. I'm Eli Bosnick and I'll be making with the once upon a times tonight, but I'll need some gents to help me weave the tale. First up, two men who can't both be grumpy, but I'll be some gents to help me weave the tale. First up, two men who can't both be grumpy, but I'll be damned if I'll admit which one of them is Doc. Cecil and Noah.

Oh look, I mean even I have to concede in this tight race for the title grumpy that it's Noah. Okay, okay, but the dwarves all shared a single fucking bet. How the fuck was only one of them grumpy? Right, they should have been entered this as grumpy and grumpy and grumpy and grumpy. One of them should have at least been grumpiest, you know? Gay sex chains. It's a cheerful place.

I don't know what you're talking about. And also joining us tonight, the Hellraiser reboot of Sleepy. I'm correct. Yeah, I once got stuck in an elevator and I just laid down to take a nap. I still miss that elevator to this day. I know you do, buddy. All right. Before we begin tonight, I'd like to take a moment to thank our patrons.

Patrons, without you, our podcast would be frozen forever. We never die for a second, Tom. Waiting for your dollars to raise us from our slumber. And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around till the end of the show. And with that out of the way, Noah, tell us what person place thing, concept, phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? Today we're going to be talking about Sleeping Beauty.

All right. So Tom, you're on a bit of a fairy tale kick lately. Do you have a pot of gold? You have to tell me if you do. It's like being a cop. Eli, if I had a pot of gold, this would be a four person show. Even more. It would be a four person show even more.

All right, Tom, who was Sleeping Beauty? Not everything is ruined. Not to question, man, but okay. Yeah, but I mean, a lot is ruined, right? But not, not everything. And right now in these uncertain times, I think that it's important to remember that we still have some things left, some certain few sacred things that are yet untouched.

Okay, Mr. Optimism, this is an episode that won't air for another two weeks. And to remember that before the fascists and the crazies can take from us our sacred and beautiful stories, before our cultural touchstones that defined our childhood can be despoiled and ruined, those stories, they belonged to us. They were ours to hold and to cherish, ours to pass from generation to generation, ours to nurture and draw sucker and solace from, and most importantly, ours to just absolutely fucking destroy here on Citation Needed.

Yeah, I mean, at least before the Supreme Minister renames the story, the girl who was totally asking for it. Sure is, yeah. Jesus Christ. Yep. All right, so today I'm gonna tell you a story that you already know, but I doubt that you actually know. I'm gonna tell you the story of sleeping beauty, but not the Disney

version you might recall from your childhoods, or at least not only that version, because sleeping beauty is actually a story based on a very old Italian folk tale from sometime around 1634 written by Giambattista Basile, a man whose name I just mispronounced. Now, Tom, if you moved your hands a lot while you did it, my people will forgive you. I did. And while I tell you the original,

Hey, with that jerk off motion does not count. Yeah, it takes in. Oh, all right. And I didn't. But if it's two at the same time, it does. It's weird. And while I tell you the original tale, I want you to hold in your mind this idea That someone from Disney found this original story and thought to themselves

You know what a few tweaks and this would make a delightful movie for the kiddos Okay guys at the pitch meeting. What do you think about a holiday retelling of? Human centipede, huh? What do you say? I mean, God stretch us every one. It writes itself. So, but okay, but do you guys remember the fucking boat scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? That is a dozen years after Sleeping Beauty. It has a fucking chicken beheading and a centipede crawling out of the mouth of a corpse.

We didn't stop intentionally seeding children's entertainment with nightmare fuel until the late nineties. Now, before we get to the original, let's begin with the American classic, made forever famous by our not at all sketchy friends at Disney. Our tale here begins in the 14th century when the king of somewhere and the queen of the same somewhere, welcome their daughter, Aurora into the world. And then they have a holiday where all the royal subjects are required to pay homage to the baby princess. But the baby was beginning to be something of an old maid. And so on her christening, she was betrothed to Prince Philip in a political marriage aimed at

uniting two kingdoms. Yeah, to be clear, the baby marriage is the most anodyne part of the anodyne version. That's true. Pokes. Bugle the fuck in. Among the well-wishers invited were three good fairies. Flora, Fauna, and Merriweather, who was obviously just the other one. Tall. She was tall.

Jesus Christ. But the king and the queen neglected to invite Maleficent, a fairy with a spicier vibe, and Maleficent had some serious rage-fomo. While in the middle of receiving magical gifts from the good fairies, in burst Maleficent, who cursed Aurora with a super weird and very specific time delayed curse. On Aurora's 16th birthday, she's condemned to prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and to die. But Merriweather had yet to give her gift to the baby, so she fights the curse with a very weak reverse UNO spell and changes the curse

to instead of dying, Aurora is doomed to take a very long nap until she's awoken by the kiss of true love, which you definitely have to get permission for ahead of time. Okay, feels like a really awkward baby shower then though, right? Never to wake again! Curse you, witch! Guards! Not so fast, Maleficent. For a spell of my own I shall entwine, A saving grace that's fully mine, not to death but just to sleep, till true love's kiss is hers to keep. Curse you, Merriweather!

And I brought one of those tummy time masks. Not now, Susan! Well, maybe I should have Eli and Noah fairies questioning Merryweather afterwards right where they're like dude why not use your spell to cancel why did you put out this weird ass fucking caveat that only a kiss would at least you make it so that any old fucking kiss would do the trick at least. All right so the king understandably loses his shit he has all the spinning wheels in At least you make it so that any old fucking kiss would do the trick at least. All right, so the king understandably loses his shit. He has all the spinning wheels in the kingdom burnt

Which is a reasonable impulse given the circumstances, but it also seems like a decade and a half premature So the three good fairies recognizing that spinner is gonna spin no matter what they devise a plan to hide Aurora off-grid And to keep her away from spinning wheels until she turns 16. But I'm gonna impose a crushing tariff on spinning wheels now, so... Now all goes pretty much according to plan for a while. The three fairies stop using magic in order to stay under the radar. They raise Aurora without telling her shit about fuck. Until nearing her 16th birthday, the fairies get excited. All they need is for Aurora to just NOT touch a spinning wheel on one specific day and they can be done raising this kid and start being baller ass magical fairies again and move

out of the sticks and get back to their lives. And the whole ask here of this fucking kid is just to not touch this one super specific thing that isn't even anywhere around her and only on that one day and all is well and fuck Maleficent and her shitty party foul curse. Okay, but Tom, you've raised two teenagers, so you are deeply aware of how fucked they are in this situation. Well, yeah, but I mean, the fact that they gave him a date It that makes the burning things. I let's it's an insane overage you handcuff her that day, right?

And the whole fucking thing locked the door fixed gloves fix this whole problem All right So the fairies are just chuffed all hell to prospect of not having to parent this kid anymore And they decide they are throwing Aurora a sweet 16. And they send Aurora out to get some berries and to sing to the squirrels and shit, which Aurora does, but her aardvark anthems are just too powerful. And Prince Philip, her betrothed from when she was a baby, hears her, and the two spot one another in the forest and they instantly get the big feels.

And Aurora invites Philip back to her cottage later that night and Philip, though technically off the market since he is betrothed to a baby that were missing like dozens of milk cartons ago, nonetheless agrees. A long-distance relationship like that might just suck but on the plus side, cutting the milk carton and getting a wallet-sized photo of your betrothed is pretty easy. Cutting the milk carton and getting a wallet-sized photo of your patroids is pretty easy. Back at the cottage, the fairies are losing their fucking minds. Even though they've had 16 years of practice not using their magic wands, it turns out to just absolute shit at throwing surprise parties.

So even though all the work of the last 16 years is riding on them, not attracting the attention of Maleficent literally for just one more day, they bust out their magic wands and they get into a big fucking magical disagreement and they basically shoot fireworks out of the chimney spelling out, Hey Maleficent, we're here. We've been hiding here the whole time. We just had one more fucking day to lay low, but instead we're shooting road flares at your fucking house So Maleficent's pet raven Diablo. Okay. It's kind of sad that I've seen better creative writing on vampire LARP backstories, man Diablo spies the none-too-subtle magical incompetent streamers and he flies over to investigate

Just as Aurora tells the fairy she saw one man one time in the woods and she is jonesing for it. At which point the fairies reveal to Aurora her identity and the whole story which Diablo overhears and the fairies figure that out despite their worst efforts. The jig is up. They ditch the country house. They high tail to the castle where they're still going to throw her a sweet 16 because fuck it. That's why. Okay. But so, but one option to extend the subterfuge would be to

go literally anywhere else. Okay. But I feel like if running to the castle is the option, then blowing your wand load was especially wasteful. No. So Maleficent knows now where Aurora's at. She appears to Aurora and lures her into a room in a tower where, for magical reasons, there appears a spinning wheel, which the stupid Aurora pretty readily just reaches out and pokes right at the goddamn spindle of, because teenagers will always do the opposite

of any sensible thing that they are asked not to do. And she falls immediately asleep, but doesn't die thanks to Merryweather. Meanwhile, the fucking Noah and Eli fairies are going, just at least admit it's because you couldn't think of anything else that rhymed with weep in the moment, okay? Okay. Other fairies are pissed.

So they take the Somnolent Princess and they stick her in a tower and then they're like fine, bar girls asleep, the whole kingdom's napping and they put the whole fucking kingdom to bed. But before they do, they overhear Prince Philip telling his dad about the hot chick he met in the forest who sings to beavers and the fairies put two and two together. I feel like Heath was their loophole advisor on this whole scheme. He does love to sexually assault women while they're unconscious. Everybody. You remember when it was just us talking about you ripping your penis off, man.

You remember that? He doesn't listen when he's not here. But Maleficent has captured the prince because she also figured out that his face meat held the key to undoing her curse. And then she reveals her pretty fucking awful plan for a Disney movie. The plan is this, while Aurora sleeps, Aurora will not age. So she is going to stay hot as hell. Be careful, you're talking about a 16 year old.

This is pretty much in the movie like this though. No, you're right. You're talking about a 16 year old. This is pretty much in the movie like this though. No, you're right. You're right. But time will pass as normal for Philip. So Maleficent declares that she's gonna hold him hostage until he's old and dying and his balls are drooping. And then she's gonna let him go just as he is on the verge of decrepit hideous death. So that Aurora can see her beloved and be horrified

and he can see his beloved and see her horror taking in his ravaged visage. And he gets to die lonely and then rejected by his beautiful love, and she gets to live having missed out on a life with her beloved. It is a pretty solid prank for not getting invited to a party one time.

Yeah. Did you and Heath have a nice dinner when he visited this weekend, Cecil? You guys have a good time? Do something fun? Just wondering. The fairies have other plans though and they hook the prince up with a sword and a shield

and they send him after Maleficent, who's in the castle, which she surrounds with a bunch of spiky vines and those bushes with the burrs that get stuck in your shoelaces and shit. Oh, I hate those. They're the worst. But Philip hacks through that junk and faces off against the evil FOMO fairy, at which point she busts out her alter ego, a huge fire breathing dragon, which sounds awesome

and would definitely defeat some guy with a boner for a teenager that has a sword. But he stabs her and she dies, even though that's kind of dumb. Okay, but hear me out here. If the goal was to kill the kid on her 16th birthday and you had turning into dragon powers, I feel like there was no, like, we didn't have to get a spinning wheel involved here.

So then Philip of course finds the sleeping Aurora, gives her a kiss, which is such a great kiss, it wakes not only Aurora but the whole kingdom up, and then everyone goes downstairs to the ballroom, and then presumably covered in the gore of a bloodily slain enormous magical dragon, the pair danced the night away. Beginning a relationship built exclusively on their shared physical attraction with no idea if they had any common interests at all. Well, Gore was slippery but she was a blue dragon so they got to do the electric slide. There's like five D&D nerds who do that. But they got it hard, Cecil.

They got it hard. Well, apparently the ending with the blood-slicked floor covered in awful is the nice version, so while we suit up in slickers like Gallagher, we're gonna take a quick break for a little apropos of nothing. Which is why I hereby command every spinning wheel in the land be destroyed. I'm sorry, Your Majesty. Yes, Vessar, your thoughts?

So if you'll pardon me, I just feel like there are better solutions than destroying the foremost form of garment construction of our time. Ah, yes, but don't worry. See, I'm also sending her into the woods with fairies. The same fairies that didn't warn you they had an evil co worker who was going to try to kill your kid if she wasn't invited to the party? Yes.

Okay, well, setting that aside, if you're going to isolate her anyway, isn't that all the more reason not to destroy the preeminent textile technology of our kingdom? Ah, yes, but one can never be too safe, Besser. Never. Okay, but if you can never be too safe then why not just cut off her fingers? Or hey, you could make her wear metal gloves all the time. Right, I'm just saying there are so many solutions to the problem that would allow our society to have clothes. Yes, yeah, I see your point. Well, I'll tell the fairies not to use their magic. Yes.

Why would the fairies not use their magic? Never too safe Vessar. Right. Never too safe. Got it. And we're back. When we left off, Tom treated us to the sunny, date-rapey, blood-spattered version of the story. Are you ready to give us the real deal, Tom?

Alright, so that was the Disney version, which is, it is sort of fucked up, right? But it's not too bad, and really, it's nothing at all like its original source material. The source material is Sun, Moon, and Talia. And this also starts with a king having a baby daughter, this time named Talia, rather than Aurora. Now this king, like any new father, is anxious about his daughter's future, so he sends for

astrologers and other such liars to run her horoscope, and then in a rare moment of agreement, all the liars come up with the same bullshit, that Tali would someday be put in great danger by a splinter of flax. A story which sounds insane, but when in a time that no one bathed and everyone smelled like pickled assholes a splinter could definitely be a death sentence okay Tom if you want to stand your ground about medieval bathing habits you do it but there's no need to come for Lucinda's pickled assholes okay yeah it's fine Eli Tom can have Harry and David Paris for Christmas this year

just like everybody else. So the king. They're hard to pickle, Tom. The brine goes right through them because they're holes. Muts and muts. So the king tells his lackeys that there's no flax, and for good reason, no hemp,

or anything even remotely similar that is to be brought into the king's house. And this worked for a while, but eventually the baby grew into a beautiful young lady who one day looked out her window and saw an old woman pass by spinning on a spindle. That line is a direct quote. So you have to imagine like, I guess,

some kind of like spindle mobile or something, I guess. Yeah, I was picturing her like tumbling down the road in tank equipment, right? So she's spinning. So anyway, Talia is just transfixed by this spinning wheel and she chases it down like it's the fucking ice cream truck and she begs this old lady to let her stretch out some flax. Okay, so she sees a woman traveling down the road

on a spindle and her first thought is I could stretch flax with that mode of transport. I bet God old timey people were fucking boring. Glad you get stabbed. I see the old lady was reluctant at first. Yeah. Most of the time she just spindled her days away around town, not anyone taking much interest.

But Talia was insistent and the old lady agreed and let Talia give it a whirl. But just fucking immediately a splinter of flax goes under her nail and Talia just immediately dies. Now, why did she die from the splinter? No idea. She wasn't cursed by the astrologers They just knew that she had some kind of like crazy Flak splinter allergy or something. It doesn't make any sense the king

Was just devastated. He had one job Keep his kid off flaks and he couldn't do it. He couldn't do it. I learned it from watching you. And he couldn't bring himself to dig a hole and toss his only daughter in it to rot. So instead he dressed her in beautiful garments and he had her body placed on a brocade covered dais in a palatial room in one of his estates. And then he abandoned the property entirely, unable to bear his grief. And this is actually the last non-problematic paragraph I will be writing for this part of the story.

Thanks for listening everyone for Noah, Tom and Eli. I'm Cecil thanking you for hanging out today. Yeah. Y'all, y'all are going to be pining for the days when our episodes were just about turtle starving cannibals. Y'all are going to be pining for the days when our episodes were just about turtle-starving cannibals. So the area around the estate was just lousy with kings because one day after some indeterminate amount of time had passed, another king nearby was doing some light falconering.

And the falcon had other ideas that flew into an open window in Talia's corpse estate and it could not be coaxed back out. So the king scaled the wall of the palace and climbed in through the open window after his errant birth. And that king, having now broken and entered, wandered from room to room looking for his falcon and finding nothing but an empty house until he came to a drawing room where the beautiful young,

and I have to remind you dead, Talia lay inert and unmoving. Now before Tom moves on, I want to remind everyone at home, waste not want not. Okay. That's what you said. You all agree with that. You all agree with that? So the king, presumably now forgetting about the missing bird, tried to wake Talia thinking she was just asleep, but she's fucking dead from a splinter. And so now I'm just gonna go and quote directly from the story itself. Probably for the best, Tom. Yeah, I didn't know what to do with this. Quote, as he looked at her and tried to wake her,

Yeah, I didn't know what to do with this quote as he looked at her and tried to wake her She seemed so incredibly lovely to him that he could not help desiring her and he began to grow hot with lust Okay, he gathered her in his arms and carried her to a bed where he made love to her. Ah I'm leaving her on the bed He left the palace and returned to his own city where pressing business for a long time made him think no more about the incident. 390 episodes was a pretty good run though. I really feel like it's a 3-side. Half the bonuses we made it to 400. That's cool. I'm sorry, what the fuck kind of pressing business makes you just not think about the time you raped a corpse in the woods?

How pressing can business possibly be? What's he supposed to do? Come back and apologize? No, it's over. Judgy. So this is the point in the story where we discovered that Talia was not in fact dead. No, no. Somehow that makes it worse. It does.

It's morally make it worse. Yeah. She was just unconscious, but like deeply fack sliver unconscious. And now she was pregnant. Okay. And alone and still unconscious and somehow without any food or water,

but she still managed to gestate and then deliver twins, a beautiful boy and an equally gorgeous baby girl while still unconscious, which you might imagine would be a problem. Except that some kindly fairies attended to the birth and stuck the babies on Talia's breasts to keep them alive. But remember, babies are stupid. And so stupid.

So, so stupid. And one of the babies mistook one of Talia's fingers for a nipple, and the baby's sucking pulled the splinter from under Talia's nail, whereupon Talia awoke. I feel like Bob Ross would call that a happy accident. That's the least Bob Ross story ever. So this has to be incredibly confusing now for Talia. In her timeline, the last thing she would remember is touching an old lady's spinning

wheel and now she is topless and alone with a baby hanging off a titty and another one pointlessly sucking at her finger. But Tali was a girl who rolled with the punches, so she just shrugs, names the babies, one sun, one moon, and with the help of the fairies, they ordered door dash for her and they all didn't die. Nor did the baby who just sucked down a fucking splinter. So that's a neat trick too. So a few years passed and the king who raped a corpse and forgot about it remembered and he thought to himself, Jesus Christ, I wonder.

And he headed back to the house in the woods to see what was what with the dead girl that he banged a few years ago. So imagine his shock when the girl not only wasn't a liquified but possibly still fuckable stain. Jesus Christ, man. But was in fact alive and well and now with two toddlers. And so I have to again just quote directly because editorializing from the original just

It's not necessary. So here's the quote He told Talia who he was and what had happened and how she had come to be a mother all Unknowing and as they converse they both realized they were forming a stronger bond of friendship and love and After a few days when it came time for the young king to leave He promised to return for her soon and bring her to his kingdom. As he journeyed back, he found he was indeed desperately in love with Talia and his two children, and he could hardly sleep for thinking of them, and when he did sleep, he called out their names

in his dreams. I can relate. I call out to Italian beef sandwiches in my sleep. Cecil also fucks those sandwiches, so it's all. Hey, Fletrex. Got to order. I like them. What? Obviously Talia and the noble corpse raping King were meant to be, but there was one problem.

The King was already married and his wife was not thrilled with all the yelling out of Talia's name that he was doing in his sleep. So the wife summoned the king's personal attendant, who she knew the king confided everything in and she made him a deal. She said he could tell her who the king's lover was and be granted riches beyond his wildest dreams or he could keep his mouth shut and then be killed immediately. This was not a tough choice. And the attendant ratted out his boss pretty much immediately.

Well, yeah, I mean, I feel like if your boss rapes corpses, that's going to affect company loyalty. The handbook is weird. That's reasonable. The handbook is weird at the end. Yeah, man. Yeah. The workplace compliance PowerPoint, very strange. Yeah.

Yeah. The king's wife then sent the attendant. I don't feel like there's a right answer on this slide. I'm sorry. Can I turn down the benefits package? I don't want the benefits package. Jesus Christ. How is Sleeping Beauty the worst episode we've ever seen? I don't understand how we got there.

You know what, honey? I love Citation Needed. Let's listen to the Sleeping Beauty episode with the kids, huh? I mean, I know the boys tend to say an F bomb now and then, but this is a kid's story. I think they will all have a lot of, let's listen to it on the way to your mother's for Thanksgiving. What are you saying? Who wants to sing Carol's my rights kids? Follow la la la la la la la. All right. Follow la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la was just thrilled at the prospect of a little me time. She set the kids off with the attendant and unknowingly into the arms of the king's furious

betrayed wife. I feel like a note asking for consent to take the kids would have been a total tip off. The consent thing just unbelievable. That's not his style. The queen enraged at the beauty of the children her husband sired with his mistress, took the kids to the kitchen. She ordered the cook to kill the kids and prepare them as tasty dishes for the King's dinner.

The cook agreed, but only because you do not tell your murderously unhinged boss no. Instead of the whole murder carpaccio plan, the cook instead took the kids to his wife to hide them, and then he killed a couple of lambs to pass them off as broiled babies. Okay, lambs, I feel like a discerning pal that would be able to tell, come on. Yes, hold on a second, those aren't those kids' hooves. Wait a minute.

So when the king comes down for dinner, the queen makes a big fuss about having a special meal prepared for him and he tucks into his meal with great delight and again I've got to quote directly here from the original because it's fucking nuts on like three different levels quote, Her joy knew no bounds and she kept pressing him to eat more saying you are eating what is your own. After she had said this several times, the king began to get annoyed with her,

not knowing her insinuation. And he finally said angrily, I know very well I'm eating what is my own because you brought nothing with you into this house. And he got up and he stormed out, staying for several days in a nearby villa to get over his anger. It's right next to the children's cemetery.

It's really quiet and peaceful. Oh, jeez. Jesus Christ. It's right next to the children's cemetery. It's really quiet. So the queen then sends for Talia herself again, by presenting a letter, pretending to be the lovestruck King for her part, Talia was equally lovestruck. Somehow, even though the King sounds like honestly, pretty much the worst possible human being imaginable. Anyway, Talia is shocked when instead of meeting her beloved, she instead finds herself standing in front of the absolutely psychotically enraged queen who greets her with the delightful, quote, are you the whore who has been enjoying my husband?

Get ready to be welcomed in hell because you will soon be going there." End quote. Next year's Christmas card. And then, and then guys, Talia explains to the queen that, hey, I was literally magically unconscious when your husband impregnated me,

but this does not move the needle at all for the queen who commands Attalia be thrown into a fire. Okay, now this is ringing a bell. I've seen this episode of Mori. Okay. They should throw people who are on Mori into fires more. I agree, Cecil. This is a good shift you're proposing. Attalia definitely does not want to be burned to death,

so she tries stalling for time, begging the queen to let her disrobe before being cast into the flames so that at least her beautiful clothes Atalia definitely does not want to be burned to death, so she tries stalling for time, begging the queen to let her disrobe before being cast into the flames so that at least her beautiful clothes wouldn't be destroyed. The queen had already decided that Tali was wearing some pretty great threads, so she agreed. At which point, Taliah goes absolutely apeshit.

Very slowly, Taliah begins to take off her clothes, but she did it in some kind of like, weird strip screaming style. With every garment she removed, she wailed and moaned and screamed in fear, louder and louder as she went. And eventually, her screams made their way to the king, who was returning from his weird sulk

that he had powdered off two days before. How does she pull that? She's like the whole time she's like, what, this is how I take my clothes off. Do you guys not scream? So the king walks into the room with his screaming half naked baby mama mistress and his furious wife and he has plenty of audacity. his screaming half naked baby mama mistress and his furious wife. And he has plenty of audacity. He demands to know what's happening.

Hear me out ladies threesome. Okay. You look mad. You look mad, but hear me out. Nap. We all have a glass of warm milk and talk about this in the rain? So his wife then... I disabal this episode.

I just want to... I want out. You can't delock to lock the podcast. We've talked about this. So his wife then is like, well, you ate your fucking kids. I'm about to burn your whore, that's what's happening you two-timing shithead. And now it's the king's turn to start weeping and wailing and freaking out.

He cries out, quote, how could I have eaten my own sweet babes? Why did my very veins cry out in recognition, you venomous evil woman? How could you have done such a dreadful thing? And then he remembers that it's mud times. He's the king. Everyone smells like shit and he commands that she'd be the one thrown into the fire. And also same with his personal attendant who was really fucked no matter what

happens in this story. And also lastly, the cook. Okay. I'm sorry, but given where we are politically as we record this, I don't think we're allowed to talk shit about medieval times anymore. I know exactly. When they dragged out the cook to chuck him into the fire last, the cook cried out that this was some bullshit.

The kids were alive. Maybe ask questions before just throwing people into fires. And the king, buoyed by the idea that he might not have eaten his own children, allowed the cook to go and fetch the very much alive kids. The king lost it again, but this time with joy, and he hugs and kisses the kids, he rewards the cook, he marries Talia, and the story then ends with this line, which... FUCKING YIKES. This is the end of the story.

Quote, The person who is favored by fortune has good luck even while sleeping. What the fuck? Because this is a story of Talia's good luck. And if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, Tom, what would it be? If you're worried about the future, just remember the past was, not worse not better yeah you ready for the quiz sure last one all right Tom what movie borrows heavily from this X paralyze and video. Oh no. Add to see some birth of a hibernation predator for D air force one. Yeah.

Air. Air. It's H air. H E I R. That's great. Yeah. All right. I've got a question for you, Tom.

Why did you make me know this? Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I All right. I've got a question for you, Tom. Why did you make me know this? You win. Hey, when it's red, it's revenge for always take it for me. Always talking to Cecil about football before the report B it's revenge for making you know about it, trust guns or see because joy is dead and the sooner we embrace that the better off we're all going to be. All of the above. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, Tom, it's obvious that Sleeping Beauty is not a good name for this story. What should it have been called? A. Sleeping booty. B. sleeping booty some day my prince will come the tumblr perverts get that one see diddler on the roofie or do you know the roof is so good too or D how to snooze a guy in ten days oh do that so good that's so good. A and C are rock solid. Those are so good.

I'm going with Didler on the roofie though. That's so good. It works twice. That is correct. I love it. That's correct. I win. I want Heath to do an essay. Alright, somehow. Alright.

For Noah, Heath, Tom, and Cecil, I'm Eli Bosnik. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week. And by then, Keith will be an expert on something besides reattaching his penis to his body. Between now and then you can listen to our podcasts in all the podcast places. And if you'd like to keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Citation, or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod.com. You wanted to see me, your highness? Yes. Tell the people they can make spinning wheels again that bad fairy just summoned one and my daughter totally got stabbed on it. Oh my god the fairy can summon spinning wheels? Well yeah I mean

she's a fairy of course. Well then why did you know what it's it's fine. Fairies do magic man. No I know that fairies do magic. Seems like you don't. Hey moms, looking for some lighthearted guidance on this crazy journey we call parenting? Join me, Sabrina Kohlberg. And me, Andy Mitchell, for Pop Culture Moms. Where each week we talk about what we're watching.

And examine our favorite pop culture moms up close to try to pick up some parenting hacks along the way. Come laugh, learn, and grow with us as we look for the best tips and maybe a few what-not to-dos from our favorite fictional moms. From Good Morning America and ABC Audio, pop culture moms, find it wherever you get your podcasts. In the dry states of the Southwest, there's a group that's been denied a basic human right. In the Navajo Nation today, a third of our households don't have running water. But that's not something they chose for themselves.

Can the Navajo people reclaim their right to water and contend with the government's legacy of control and neglect? Our water, our beauty. Our water, our beauty. Our water, our beauty. That's in the next season of Reclaimed, the lifeblood of Navajo Nation. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.