Citation Needed - Snarky Restaurant Reviews

Episode Date: December 18, 2024

Two mean reviews. One from the Sydney Morning Herald on Coco Roco...and the other from the New York Times on Guy's American Kitchen & Bar.

Hello and welcome. Citation needed. Podcasts where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. This is the internet. That's how it works now. I'm Cecil and we'll be punting this week. So I introduced the one guy that hates football and the other two that have home football teams as bad or worse than mine, Eli, Heath and Noah. Okay.

Okay. Somewhere there's a parallel universe where Dungeons and Dragons is the most popular activity and you sporties aren't allowed out after sundown I'm too. I yeah me too. Yeah. Yeah, no so as you put out there are 16 pairings I would hate that in all of Earth that bears fans can talk shit to but as a Giants and Jags fan Respectively Cecil has happened upon one of those 16 pairings. Well, there's four more games left. I think the Wolverines could take the Bears on a good week. I'm just saying that's my hometown team.

And the Lions. I'm a Lions fan. Yeah, Lions certainly can. Yeah, yeah. Me too. I always have been. CeCin tickets to what? I'm a huge Vikings fan.

No, I'm not. I can't say that. Listen, I'm not going to MetLife Stadium with Aaron Rodgers, getting all the COVID up in there. Absolutely not. It's true. Yeah. Let's talk about Bill Belichick for a while. Do you know he has a fucking 24-year-old girlfriend? Oh, you traded up for an older lady.

No, she just aged. She just aged just the last time I heard about that story. Imagine telling your dad you're dating 98 year old Bill Belichick. I would shoot myself. Well, and like odds are though that like, like, your dad is also kind of like, oh, but like, is he going to come over for dinner? Right, yeah, you want to meet Bill Belichick. Also, if he marries her, she's okay for the rest of her life. I'd shoot myself, but I'd be like, honey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Right? And then just splat. The good thing is, is that they're both experts on deflated balls. All right, well, let's move on. Not joining us tonight is Tom. We had a script written for today, but Tom is out with a very sick wife wife right now so we have to shift a little bit this week with a late change. So instead of just one of us writing an essay and the rest of us riffing on it we decided to take two really snarky restaurant reviews from newspapers and

read them while offering the normal peanut gallery commentary. We hope you like it but in reality this was one of the only ways we could get a show to you this week. I apologize. Yeah, right. No, we hope you like it, but we know you'll take it. That's a hell of an opening vid, Cecil. But you know, they appreciate the honesty of it, I'm sure. Exactly what it says on Guy Fieri's restaurants. We'll get to it. Okay, but I still don't know why Tom called us doing the fake sick voice you have to do when you call out of work Like does anyone know what you're doing? Was there a fire burning in the background on that voicemail he left for us?

It felt like that was like an apocalypse happening. He's got a lot of kids Do you just that that's the general sound of having that many kids if you are on a phone call and you have four kids Something is on fire when you get off the phone call. Those are just the rules. So while we're here, we'd like to take a moment to thank our patrons who have heard us do this sort of thing before for patrons. So thanks again patrons for being amazing. You liked it then you pretended at least. And if you like what you hear today and you want to hear more things like this, you can

become a patron to our show. Stick around and we'll tell you how. And with that out of the way, tell us Heath, what person place thing concept phenomenon or event we'll be talking about today. We're going to be reading two snarky restaurant reviews. One from the Sydney Morning Herald on Coco Rocco and the other from the New York Times on Guy's American Kitchen and Bar. That is amazing. Amazing.

Let's dive right in. Okay. So this is Koko Roko by Matthew Evans in the Sydney Morning Herald from 2002. Worst thing to happen that year. When dining on the view is the only recommendation, if a restaurant serves good as well as bad food, do you give it the benefit of the doubt? I eat at huddle house at 2 a.m. and you have placed the bar too high. I wouldn't do that with a three chef's hat restaurant.

So why should I do it here? Especially when more than half the dishes I've tried are simply un-palatable. Okay, so far this is just Noah describing every restaurant he's ever eaten at, so... No, just the ones that we've eaten at, Eli. If you go to fucking Hunnel House with me, I'll be fine. That's fair. That's fair. Go, go, Rogo.

I'm not pregnant. And you don't smoke smoke yeah, that's right Go go rogo is the swank new eatery at King Street wharf the opening was touted as Sydney's most glamorous restaurant if glamour peaked at about 1985 then perhaps they're right Though something Leg warmers. Something about the polished stainless steel around the open kitchen and the black reflector tiles in the bathroom make me feel I should be wearing a pink shirt and a thin leather tie.

Maybe it's just me. I think you had a different 80s than I did, man. Actually all that stuff is back in because Gen Z can't afford to shop anywhere But thrift stores in a state sale, so it makes sense And pink shirt that sounds that sounds great You should be in that right you know have good food and wear that okay continuing What is not disputable is that this place?

had a three million dollar fit out as views westwards over the water and scored Sarah O'Hare as its official guest at the opening. I don't know what any of that is but it's it's 20 years ago and it's across the world. And it's Australian stuff? She's the host of Australia's Next Top Model. Okay. Okay. He continues, it set itself up as a flash restaurant with big end of town prices. Its business card even boasts that a new level of dining comes to Sydney's King Street Wharf. I couldn't agree more. Got him.

When you're opening Gambit is the host of Australia's Next Top Model. It's not a great sign for your food, right? No, right, like, at least get me a fat guy. Where's Jack Black eating? Well, that's what I want to know. Where did Jack Black go in this fight? Way more relevant. Good point. Trader. Coco Roco is actually two restaurants. Coco, the posh place upstairs off Lime Street, and Sibling Roco also smartly fitted out on the foreshore Reverend pursuit of excellence we choose the more expensive option. Oh

It sounds like Eli and Heath making me eat at a hundred dollar brunch with a 63 minute wait And that coconut pancake foam was exquisite and listen It's the price of eggs went up. Puevos is hard to get. Exactly. It's inflation. It's economy. Why we voted for Trump. Thanks, Biden.

Expensive is right. He continued. Maine's skid disly from a vegetarian dish at just under $30 and crash over the $50 mark. It's a Braves restaurateur who tries that without the goods to back it up. Well, you could just package it with one of those little static covers, really nice box like an iPhone. Totally worth it then. The most scathing review this person could offer is, this restaurant cooks like I write a

Degustation of oysters $28 for six forty dollars for twelve arrives as different Flavored by valves rather than oysters from various regions Will not rocks will not come down There is a saffron infused gin one. If you picture him being dragged ankles out of the restaurant while he says this review, it makes a lot of sense. You're the right thing. That's what almost certainly happened. There's a saffron infused gin one. There's a seafood foam, which looks like it's been piped on top.

The texture is scary and Let's be polite not to my tastes. He means like cum everybody. Hey whenever anyone in food means Let's be polite they mean this tastes just like cum and so I'm gonna say this instead And I enjoy that more The limoncello however is worse. Flavors jangle like a car crash. Jangle? Oh that's a weird choice of the verb. Yes. Thank you. All at once it's sickly sweet overtly alcoholic slippery salty and bitter. I feel like that last sentence was on Keith's Tinder profile. I'm just not to be a pedant here, but slippery isn't a flavor. That's a texture.

Different. Yeah. I'm being polite when I. That acid heat was a cool name for my Tinder profile. So he's on the. I mean, change it. Yeah. Whatever. He continues, only the lone natural oyster is gloriously free from interference and there's an exquisite Verjuice jelly on another

Next up the carpaccio of beef $22 comes with a dreary Roast-almond paste underneath and a far too many yellowing rocket leaves on top the meat itself is fine it's fine although the Parmesan cheese strips taste tired sorry tired did the bread get married too young and now it and its wife have grown apart the cheese is suffering from ennui and I will not have it. I bet he didn't tell his waiter that he thought that parmesan tasted tired. Can you give me more energetic parmesan? Yeah, they could throw it in your face.

Can I get an espresso for the parmesan? Am I right? Cartoon people I dined at this meal with. Yes, that's exactly right. We are all wearing Monica. I just, I truly hate this reviewer so much. I want to go to this restaurant for spite, because I hate this reviewer so much.

I bet we can all agree, the restaurant with the reviewer in it should have been bombed. Small Queensland scallops, $2424 on jagged shells. I hurt myself. You're not supposed to eat those. I don't know. Maybe eat better. Don't cut yourself.

I throw my ACL eating your jagged shells. You're not supposed to eat the shells, man, of the scallops. I don't know how I got the wrong guys. They were so jagged I could barely choke them down. Yeah. Jagged shells with cauliflower and vanilla nearly were, but are uninteresting to me. Oh, uninteresting.

Are you guys pictured in a scallop that won't stop talking about how like, we really needed this rain? Jesus. So the blockchain, hey man, you got fucking dragon shells. Shut up. Parking around here is ridiculous.

Yeah. They say use the garage, but if it's going to end up being 80, oh my God, I'll eat your shell. I'll eat the shell. Why anyone would put apricots in a Sherry scented white sauce with a prime rib steak is beyond me. We live in a society here.

Thank you guy backing me up. A generous chuck of meat comes perfectly rested, medium as ordered. But, but the halves of apricot are rubbery and tasteless, which is probably a good thing. I scrape the whole wretched garnish to one side. The meat has a good length of flavor. Do you measure? Yeah, sure. Like, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Is that a thing? Yeah, length of it. So yeah, like as you're chewing it, you're counting one, one thousand, two, one thousand. All right. Well, it has the meat is good on that and Is a damned fine steak even if it is $52 I can't help but think at this price. I could be dining at Rockpool for God's sake on

a side dish three house made Mustard's milk Guinness. Hey, what? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know I read what this person wrote three house made Mustard's Milk. I can't tell if milk is a verb or noun there doesn't matter Three house made Mustard's Milk Guinness and lavender prove that some things are better left alone Last sentence also on Heath's tinder profile Better left alone last sentence also on Heath's tinder profile It goes to a dark milking that mustard yeah Got some interesting matches. Everybody's making fun. The other main roast chicken

$35 is Outstandingly dull got him which is odd considering. It's a Glen Loth bird that I usually love a few days later in the interests of considering it's a Glenloth bird that I usually love. A few days later, in the interests of impartiality, I am back. This time, it's a salad to start, $8, sweetly dressed with honey and balsamic vinegar and topped with fine cress.

It's not great, but passable, except for a few wilting leaves. Okay, I'd love to hear about the time anybody had a great salad. No one's going to hear me. I don't want to hear that. A poached beef filet, $46 shows, like last visit, they can cook a steak. This time it's medium rare, although the meat is curiously dry on the edges, but the accompanying broth is well below average.

It is sticky sweet with port and the overcooked potatoes floating in it. Do it. No favors at all. Oxtail and sweet bread dumplings are a delight, however, but should have fucking gone to a huddle house. I keep trying to tell him it's true. No, it was a cross from him the entire time he was having this meal. Yeah, it was scattered and smothered. I've never had pork belly that could almost be described as dry.

Almost? Yeah, strange. It's a disease, technically. Until tonight, a generous square of pig's paunch, $33. I like the title of that. Yeah. Is snuggled into a mass of starchy lentils the meat is unevenly spiced with Moorish what? Whoa yikes yikes. I hope that's you Australia not so much here and now I don't think

a different time everyone now I don't think. That was a different time everyone. Wow. And the lentils are poor. Texturally, it brings to mind the poor sign equal of a parched kweet-ix. That's fucking Australian cereal or something? Yeah, it's the big, big cracker. So for those of you wondering, Moorish flavors means it's

Middle Eastern and North African food. That said, it would probably be best to update the term from when William Shakespeare meant it as an insult. Thank you. For dessert, honeycomb cheesecake, $17, has little to recommend it, with its soggy pastry base. Compared with the raspberry and Shiraz sorbet, however, it is heaven. A dismal pyramid of sorbet, $15. Jangles, don't use jangles, man.

Stop, you're never using it right. Yeah. A dismal pyramid of sorbet, a jangles the mouth like a gemalayan concert. That's, okay, I looked this up actually. It's like a traditional, like I think Japanese toned percussive instrument. Indonesia. Yeah. Indonesian. Okay. Weird thing. Yeah. I do think that this review strayed slightly into ranking the racist towards the end. No, I looked it up as well. It turns out the etymology, it's Javanese for,

I'd like to simultaneously sound pretentious and simplistic, please. OK. Yeah. That's about it. That sounds accurate. OK. Continuing.

Poached berries underneath are OK, except for what I guessed might have been soggy blackberries, but I'm not sure. Gross. It could be argued that cocoa is still settling in, but apricots in sherry-scented white sauce aren't meant to garnish a ribeye of beef. He's coming back. He's got a callback on. He is furious about sherry-scented white sauce and whether or not it's apropos with the composition

of the menu. I feel that way when people abuse their own kids to death and I read about it. I feel the same way. The menu is not held back by minor glitches. It is flawed in concept and execution. In a city where harborside dining has improved out of sight in recent years is a bleak spot on the culinary landscape. Wow starting to sound like a therapy session all of us have attended at one time in our lives why don't we take a moment for some

apropos of nothing. Thank God I hate talking in this guy's voice. I don't care if it was Australian it was pretentious. Hey, podcast listener. I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Ethan Wright. You know, this week's essay really got us thinking. With so many people willing to pay hundreds, if not thousands of dollars for luxury dining, where's the gap in the market for us to fill? Introducing luxury pooping.

The exponential, excremental experience. Each of our private, aesthetically pleasing luxury pooping spots comes with a top-of-the-line bidet and whisper-quiet mineralized water. Along with ultra-soft hygiene paper made just for our venues by hand by one lady in Albuquerque, New Mexico. But that's not all. Enjoy your favorite TikToks on our vertical big screen TVs, your favorite tic-tacs on our vertical big screen TVs your favorite chapters for porcelain reading or a collection of shampoo bottles with

Interesting things on the back. That's right. You know what you like luxury pooping your price Doesn't mean shit. Okay, you guys like really want to do that right now. I would pay $10,000 really want to do that right now? I would pay ten thousand dollars. Okay, so the last review was of a restaurant on another continent. Is there something a little closer to home? Perhaps some beloved frosted tipped fire shirt wearing star owns it? Indeed there is Cecil. Indeed there is. In fact, it's the reason for the episode today.

The most destructive piece of restaurant criticism ever written is what we've got for you. I'm talking of course about As Not Seen on TV, the review of Guy's American Kitchen and Bar in Times Square by Pete Wells with the New York Times. I want to point out in advance that I've eaten at one Guy Fury restaurant and I went on to have a heart attack immediately after. I'm just saying, I bet I could offer something more skee than this motherfucker over here. Huge endorsement from this podcast. Alright, well take a listen and decide if that remains true at the end. Here's the review from Pete Wells. It begins. Guy Fieri, that's the last time I'm saying his name like that, it's Fieri.

Guy Fieri, have you eaten at your new restaurant in Times Square? Have you pulled up one of the 500 seats at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar and ordered a meal? Did you eat the food? Did it live up to your expectations? Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex.

When you saw the burger described as guys, Pat LaFrieda custom blend all natural Creekstone Farm black Angus beef Patty LTP or L top. That's lettuce, tomato, onion and pickle. SMC super melty cheese I hate it. I hate that. It's so much damn it I've never been to this place. I already hate it and a slathering of donkey sauce on a garlic buttered brioche Did your mind touch the void for a minute? I can say this with no hyperbole

There is no force in the verse that can make me consume something called donkey sauce. I am sorry. Oh, challenge accepted, Cecil. Challenge accepted. Did you notice that the menu was an unreliable predictor of what actually came to the table? Were the urban butter crunch chips missing from your almond joy cocktail too? God, I'm so dead. Was your deep fried quote, boulder of ice cream the size of a standard scoop?

Okay, I hated the food and the portions are too small is a hell of a take, right? Like I love it. He's sitting there just like, excuse me, I believe I ordered a boulder's worth. Here's a, just a scoop you seem to have given me. He continues, what exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes guys famous big bite Caesar, A, big, B, famous, or C, guys in any meaningful sense? I'm picturing on this guy like desperately sucking on Romaine so he can claim later that he also didn't bite it so he has a D, but given up after the third Heimlich or something.

Fuck you. I love that this entire review is in questions, in just furious questions. It continues, were you struck by how very far from awesome the awesome pretzel chicken tenders are? If you hadn't come up with the recipe yourself, would you ever guess that the shiny tissue of breading that exudes grease onto the plate contains either pretzels or smoked almonds? Did you discern any buttermilk or brine in the white meat, or did you think it tasted like chewy air?

Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret, a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers, called a roasted pork banh mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson. When you have a second, Mr. Fieri, would you see what happened to the black bean and roasted squash soup we ordered? Hey, did you try that blue drink? The one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita?

Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde? Because it's blue! Biggest rookie mistake ever! Never drink the blue drink, man! What the fuck? Correct. Right. Unless you prefer your breakups yelled while you're being arrested by army. Fuck it! Order them. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Also, that should be green. There should be Midori in there. It should be green. I don't know why it would be blue. Whatever. Bring it up with Mr.. Don't order a watermelon margaritas. That's just stupid. Oh disagree what I would never even let a person or they'd be like They'd come to I worked at TGI Fridays in Times Square like a block from this fucking place people would try to order the dumb shit It's like nope. No why you weren't made for no Fieri lifestyle. You want fucking donkey sauce? Go to Guy Fieri's. This is a fucking TGI Fridays, motherfucker. We are classy. He continues, this time about a

different Guy Fieri location. At your five Johnny Garlic's restaurants in California, is that real? He's got a place called Johnny Garlic's, like a chain of it apparently? At your five Johnny Garlic's. If servers arrive with main courses and find the appetizers haven't been cleared yet, do they try to

find space for the new plates next to the dirty ones? Or does that just happen in Times Square where people are used to crowding? In Times Square you're lucky a guy wasn't sleeping on your table when you were seating man. I feel like you read this review out loud into a mirror and Karen appears behind you or something. If a customer shows up with a reservation at one of your two Tex Wasabi outlets and the rest of the party has already been seated, does the host say, why don't you have a look around and see if you can find them and point in the general direction of about 200 seats?

Fuck yeah. I feel like the other option is to just take you to each party and ask if this is yours. Right? Did you guys, is this guy? This one with you? No, next one. What is going on at this new restaurant of yours, really? Like.

They go on a deeper spiritual level, be well? Yeah, like sexually, emotionally? Yeah. Is that what you're asking Guy Fieri? He is though. Has anyone ever told you that your high wattage passion for no-collar American food makes you television's answer to Calvin Trillin?

If Mr. Trillin bleached his hair, drove a Camaro, and drank boozy creamsicles. When you cruise around the country for your show, diners, drive-ins, and dives, rasping out slangy odes to the unfancy places where Americans like to get down greasy, do you really mean it? Or is it all an act? Is that why the kind of cooking you celebrate on television is treated with so little respect at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar? I'm sorry, wait, are you suggesting that a television personality might be pretending to be otherwise than they really are just because cameras are rolling? I hope you brought

some pretty damning evidence to back up that slander sir. She's given I've actually heard guy fairies pretty cool in real life. Yeah, he's like he moderated a gay wedding He gives free pretzel machines to schools Okay, but he has a thing called donkey sauce Patrons delicious, I bet it's delicious. I bet it's I will never know Noah. I'll never know see I think it's just supposed to be like garlic I only it's fine. It's something else. I'll eat it the moment. It's called I'll call it. I will move out of the state

How for example did Rhode Island's supremely unhealthy and awesomely good fried calamari, dressed with garlic butter and pickled hot peppers, end up in your restaurant as a plate of pale, unsalted squid rings next to a dish of sweet mayonnaise with a distant rumor of spice? I feel like that's a huge spoiler for next week's essay. We should... The reverse, the people who listen to this in reverse. I love that joke. Fast forward. You don't even know it. How did Louisiana's blackened

Cajun spice treatment turn into the ghostly nubs of unblackened unspiced white meat in your Cajun chicken Alfredo? Okay. I know we're reading this because Tom is out this week, but are we sure he didn't write this week? What? Yep, I'm pretty sure the fucking review gets to the point eight words in. It's fair. How did nachos,

one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? Unlovable. Wow. Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil? Why not bury those chips under a properly hot and filling layer of melted cheese and jalapenos instead of dribbling them with thin needles of pepperoni and cold gray clots of ground turkey. By the way would you let our server know that when

we asked for chai he brought us a cup of hot water? Okay first of all that's fucking hilarious B, you ordered chai at guys American kitchen and bar I'm sure oh P Wells did the baby you challenged to a fight outside not rise to the occasion either When you hung that sign by the entrance that says welcome to flavor town Were you just messing with our heads? Well, this isn't a town at all. It's just a restaurant Just messing with our heads. Well, this isn't a town at all. It's just a restaurant. Does this make it sound as if everything at guys, American

kitchen and bar is inedible? I didn't say that. Did I tell me though, why does your kitchen sabotage even it's more appealing main courses with ruinous sides and sauces? Why stifle a pretty good bison meatloaf in a sugary brown glaze with no undertow of acid or spice? Undertow? Wow, I kind of like that actually. Yeah, Pete Wells is solid. Why send a serviceable herb stuffed rotisserie chicken to the table in the company of your insipid rice-a-roni variant? Okay, if you're too good're too good for rice roni, you're too good for me, man.

If you guys need me, I'm going to be at the fucking huddle house. Yeah, rice ronis pretty good. It sounds better than San Francisco. Great point. Great point. Everybody knows that. Why undermine a big fist of slow roasted pork chank, which might fly in many downtown restaurants if the General Tso style sauce were a notch less sweet, with randomly shaped scraps of

carrot that combine a tough nearly raw crunch with the deadened overcooked taste of school cafeteria vegetables. Is this how you roll in flavor town? Hey guys, I try not to talk about my mental health too much on air but in case you're wondering what my inner monologue is like I Just talked to me the way Pete Wells Why I did it Do you pronounce your name in some weird like over accent to be pretentious? Yeah, that's how I get it. How do you say Eli Bosnik in your head? BOOSNIK!

Eli BOSNIK! Yeah, I figured. Okay, got it. Somewhere within the yawning three level interior of Guy's American Kitchen and Bar, is there a long refrigerated tunnel that servers have to pass through to make sure that the French fries already limp and oil-soaked are also served cold Oh, if if guy had a secret refrigerated tunnel, you'd be hanging in it by now Hi, I like the idea of people at just entering the the the main floor with the food But it's like steam coming out everywhere. It's like the beginning of the Super Bowl when the team runs out or something like that.

I kind of like that. What accounts for the vast difference between the donkey sauce recipe you've published and the donkey sauce in your restaurant? Why is the hearty rustic appeal of roasted garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like miracle whip with minced raw garlic? And when we hear the words donkey sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about? It's the part you milk.

Come on now. It's not that hard. Yeah. We just use your imagination. We'd already agreed it was the milky part. It's headed to Cecil's house right now. I'm going to fly to your house and make you drink it all. I'll drink all of it.

I'll drink all of it. Bat taken, See dog. Is the end. It's me with a good shooter after shooter of fucking donkey sauce. I'll drink a whole bottle of donkey sauce in front of you and it won't be the third worst thing about my week is the entire restaurant. A very expensive piece of conceptual art is the shapeless, very expensive piece of conceptual art is the shapeless,

structureless baked Alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it or don't eat it. It's supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane. Amazing. Or ED, perhaps. Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish? Did you finish that blue drink? Oh, and we never got our Vegas fries. Would you mind telling the kitchen that we don't need them? Thanks Hey, if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, it's what would it be? Okay, never go to Times Square unless it's a Broadway show. Why are you?

Exactly. Yep. That's your fault. Are you ready for the quiz? Let's do it. All right, Heath. How did Guy Fieri respond to Pete Wells' review? A, by killing himself and leaving that review as the note. Or B, by telling the Today Show, quote, I've been in the restaurant industry for 25 years.

This is an ever changing, evolving process. Do we do it perfect? No. Are we striving to do it perfect? Yes. Come on. All right. Yeah, he's developing a vaccine. It'll be fine. It's got to be B. It sounds like exactly what he would have said. It is B.

I feel like we'd have heard about A. All right. Maybe. It would have made this whole thing pretty awkward, right? You know, all right. I have a question for you. What complaint has never been uttered about a meal at the huddle house? A, the body was inauthentic.

B, the hints of smoked almond in the chicken tenders were understated. See, the sorbet somehow embodies a metallic ringing sound in your mouth. Jangle. What does that mean? Or D, I made it all the way home without taking a shit. Okay. As soon as you started asking the question, I was like, it's all above. It's all above. No complaint has ever been uttered at a huddle house.

You just get what you get. Exactly. Exactly. That is correct. It is E. Secret answer E. And you're full and you're fine. All right, Heath. Don't go to Times Square.

Well, you're not fine. You're not going to be fine for a while either. It's going to be a few days for sure. Your wife died pretty young. Fine is relative. All right, Heath. We learned about an unappetizing mayonnaise-based sauce served at Flavortown, but what is the whitest sauce?

A. Cracker dressing. B. White Supremesauce. C. Honky Sauce. Or D. White flight flight flight. Okay, white flight flight flight HAHAHAHA Okay, white flight flight flight is not it I was about to say it's clearly ranch, it's fucking ranch, everybody gets

ranch on anything is garbage, but it's D, white flight flight flight. You are correct and I'm not sure who the winner is, I think it's all of us, I think the winner is all of us We all win. Alright, Eli we all won, why don't you decide who's next I want me. No, it's you.

Or both. No, it's Tom. But we have to skip him. I want Tom's wife to still be sick next weekend. Jesus Christ. And I have a feeling I'm gonna get my wish. We record two episodes at a time. I am not wishing you.

Jesus Christ. It's me. I'll be reading something. Jesus Christ. For it's me. Alright. I'll be reading something Tom wrote. Well for no I, Eli, Heath and an Absent Tom. Monday December 16th, 8.15. Cecil, thanking you for hanging out with us today. Eli agrees with vigilante murder.

We'll be back next week and by then Eli will be an expert on something Tom wrote. That's just true. You're going to be with a good time. Between now and then, you can listen to The Latest Skepticrat with a different three of us out of five of us. I love that Cecil's just, he's just meeting us. It doesn't matter what happens right now. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation

at patreon.com slash CitationPod, or you can leave us a five star review anywhere you can. If you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpod.com. on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod.com. And how was your experience today, sir? Fantastic. Absolutely wonderful.

And would you like us to thank you loudly for the private conversation we just had in front of everyone in the room you just left so that nobody knows you were pooping? Oh, yes, please. Thank you. Right this way, sir. $20,000.