Citation Needed - Steven Seagal

Episode Date: June 3, 2020

Steven Frederic Seagal (/sɪˈɡɑːl/; born April 10, 1952) is an American actor, producer, screenwriter, martial artist, and musician who holds American, Serbian, and Russian citizenship. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

And then I said, come on Madonna, there's gotta be someone you wanna date who isn't me. Uh-huh. So anyways, how is your weekend? Cause that was pretty. I mean, fine, I guess. I just, I mean, I didn't date my daughter. Mr. Bosnick. Oh, hey, Agent Warren.

Yeah, we need to speak to you about your Alistair Crowley essay, contains government secrets. We need to know how you got them. Not before I speak to you about your Aleister Crowley essay contains government secrets. You need to know how you got them. Not before I speak to him. He gave away my greatest secrets and my last words. Oh, chungling, Sue. Wait, wouldn't you have an accent if you were chungling? I mean, dude, it's gonna be somebody's first episode, okay?

You know what, that is fair. That is fair. BANG! Ah! I'm sorry, gentlemen. He knew too much. Been in the must stand. Well, all of those S is Eli wrote. They're... They're all... true?

That's right. Seems like... Every word. Told you! Wow. Eli, I'm sorry. I doubted you. I guess you could say I was... Pounded in the butt by my own honesty. Um... What?

It's a chuck tingle, uh, reference. Oh right! I forgot about that one. I'm doing the butt. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'll be kicking ass tonight But I'll need some people around to take names. So joining me tonight is a man is above the law because he's tall And he's under siege because he isn't he and all right

Fire down below Also, so Nailed it. I'll per lower. I may not be tall, but neither am I dark nor handsome. I can still buy a faction, God dammit. Right, it's America. And also joining us tonight, two men whose visagers have been described as half past dead

and exit wounds respectively. You are an ass. See, it's okay. That's just doctors and life insurance companies. So, like, what did they know? Yeah, right? That's it, my face has been described as wholesome. Wholesome.

Wholesome. Okay. Wholesome. Oh, it's very repost the shit. It's a hurt. Oh, it's first episode. Really? This one, baby. All right.

All right. So before we get started, I wanted to take a minute to thank the patrons who make this show possible. Without you, we would be unable to bring you the educational informative topics we bring you every week. Like last week's essay on Rasputin or Orssetial's exhaustive dissertation on architecture from two weeks ago to whatever salient interesting topic Eli has chosen

So if you'd like to learn how to join the arranged be sure to stick around to the end of the show and with that out of the way Tell us Tom what person plays think concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? Steven Segal That's, it seems like, why would I never say Steven Sebald, why did it so happy? God. All right, Eli, you were watching fire down below when you remembered you were supposed to do the essay this week.

Are you ready to pretend you did your homework? I don't know, Noah. Are you ready to not learn about the greatest maybe man who ever lived or didn't? Oh, I do answer that. I have an idea. Carcin' out. So who is Steven Seagull?

Correct, exactly. Steven, Frederick Seagull, born on April 10th, 1952, is, as Wikipedia puts it, an American actor, producer, screenwriter, martial artist, and musician who holds American Serbian and Russian citizenship. But as we're going to learn today, he is. Can we just paste that into the background of the ad-single?

The title of this podcast has never been more apropos. But as we're gonna learn today, he is oh so much more and oh so much less than all of those things. On October 3rd of 1990, Segal explained to Arsenio Hall on national television that quote, a lot of my youth was spent in Brooklyn, which is strange because

Seagal was born in Lansing, Michigan. Huh. Okay, look, I get making some like creative adjustments to your biography to add a flare of time. You had Detroit right there. Yeah. You didn't have to go all the way across the country. The son of medical technician, Patricia Seagal and high school mathematics teacher, Samuel

Seagal, Stephen has at various times claimed to be of Japanese, Italian and Russian descent. He also claims to speak four languages. However, his mother doesn't claim any other language by any other. He claims to do that in English, yes. However, his mother confirmed with people magazine his heritage is exclusively Jewish and Irish and there is no evidence to suggest he speaks any language of the English. He said that he has spent a lot of his youth in Brooklyn and and Brooklyn was the name of his high school sweetheart. So it's technically true.

It's technical. It's like I have a sneak into a mission. His high school sweetheart was from Canada. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true.

It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true.

It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. It's technically true. interested in martial arts, going to his mother from that same people magazine article, quote, he worked with this nice old Japanese man at a dojo in Garden Grove. He encouraged Stephen to go to Japan.

And quote, well, you know, yeah, when the proprietor of a business that your kid keeps going back to ask him to please go somewhere 5,000 to 200,000, it's just taken a personal interest in him. Yes. And go to Japan he did. However, when is also in question. Sego claims to have studied with Morahei Uyahabeshi. Nailed it.

Morahei. Morahei Uyashiba. The founder of Kiyano and Butter. That's amazing. Nailed it. However, records show he attended college in California until 1971, and Uyashiba died in 1969. So seems strange. Some contemporaries remember an American kid who played guitar, hanging around the studio,

but they are unwilling to say when, or even that they're sure it was Segal. Harry Dobson, a fifth degree black belt who studied with the master from 1961 to 1969, has been quoted as saying, that story is bull. Back then, I never heard of Steven Segal. Okay. When alleged fifth degree black belts in the ancient art of wrist control say your story is bull. No, not a good sign.

Hey, he's a keto is legitimate martial art. It is. It is the only one that focuses on the losing end of the battle. It's still a mission. Okay. Okay. We'll get there, Tom. Get your ass kicked with style.

We'll get kicked. By 1974, Segal was back in California where he met and married Miyako Fujitane, a second degree black belt and a daughter of an Osaka-based Akito master who had come to Los Angeles to teach. When Miyako returned to Osaka, Segal went with her. Following year, they married and had a son, who they named Kentaro, and a daughter who they named Ayako. While Segal was often claimed to be the first non-Asian to open a dojo in Japan in actuality the school

which he taught belonged to Miyako's family. Yako and her brother still teach at the school and their mother is the chairwoman. Steven Segal is no longer affiliated. But he still gets royalties from his first marriage as Dojo, they're called Stephen Sagala Moni Payments. So, Gala has made several claims about his second trip to Japan. All of them dubious. The first is the time he fought off the Geekuza with help from the Irish mob and a magic dog.

What? What now? off the Geekuza with help from the Irish mob and a magic dog. A what? A what now? Okay, but that's actually the plot of a script that he wrote in his head called. He's like, he did it out of reality. Yeah, man, it's good. The part of that that I'm having the hardest time with is deciding which part of that story is least believable and I'm not leaning magic. Yes.

Yes, like, Steven's the, it is. In an interview with Peter magazine, he told the following story from this time period, quote, I was in Osaka, Japan, there's having some difficulties with a group of sort of lawless individuals at my own Joho or a school there. There was a big conflict. What did you say, Joho? That's how he pronounces it. It's the fucking best.

There's a big hold on. Hold on. You're telling me, Steven Seagal pronounces the word Dojo Joho every time. Not every time, but occasionally because he's trying oh So I try to do the Italian mozzarella thing but with Japanese god damn it. I hate him so Don't love him. He's a fucking traitor of this country. Are you kidding me? I love him so much and it was sort of escalating and you know life wasn't really easy for me doing this time I was sitting out front of my dojo and I saw this kind of really mysterious, unusual looking white dog that just walked right up to me

as if he had known me forever. I petted him and he wouldn't go away, so I fed him. He stayed with me for a few days. He just sort of adopted me. We have what is called the Ginkong, a white which is this side of a porch inside air? He slept there. And I said him. And about the third day or fourth day that he was there, he woke me up with really intense parking at about

four in the morning. I was way in the back. But when he woke me, I saw that my dojo was on fire. I crinkly managed to summon help and we got the fire out and I thanked the dog and the next day He disappeared and Okay, okay wait though like the reason why Eli thinks dogs barking are magical is because his dog drowns on air at sea level on air at sea level. So that's what it's fair. It's fair. Obviously, the name for a group of pugs is called a grumble. I think it's funny to say to the fact he's got a panics

with the fucking humidities over 40%. He's like, he's never gonna make it. It's true. But that's not all. On the promotional tour for 1988's Above the Law, he told the Los Angeles Times he both worked for and trained CIA agents during his second visit to Japan.

What? Saying quote. They saw my abilities both with martial arts and with the language. That sounds like a Trump quote. Jesus Christ. You could say that I became an advisor to several CIA agents in the field and through my friends in the CIA met many powerful people and did special works and special favors. I mean, Yo Stevie, where's a good burger at technically makes you an advisor to a CIA agent? Like, yes. Needless to say, CIA agents in Japan, like, if only somebody spoke Japanese, and that's how we find somebody,

a martial artist speaking Japanese in Japan. Needless to say, does anybody know the Irish mob in a magical dog place? Needless to say, does anybody know the Irish mob in a magical dog place? Needless to say, does anybody know the Irish mob in a magical dog place? Needless to say, does anybody know the Irish mob

in a magical dog place? Needless to say, does anybody know the Irish mob in a magical dog place? Needless to say, does anybody know the Irish mob in a magical dog place? Needless to say, does anybody know the Irish mob in a magical dog place? Needless to say, does anybody know the Irish mob in a magical dog place? Needless to say, does anybody know the Irish mob in a magical dog place? Needless to say, does anybody know the Irish mob Steve at Segal bingo cart. You know, just like a random shit on a like a mad lib. Needless to say, the CIA refuses to comment on who they have and have not worked with. But Miyago Fujitani, who lived with him at the time, has been quoted as saying he was never in

the CIA. That's actually the Canadian intelligence agency. She's real. She's a real, a little bit of intelligence agency. I bet sex with a woman. In 1980, Seagull returned to Hollywood to start at Dojo or Jodo. He married actress Adrienne LaRouseon. The problem was he was still married to Fuji-Tani

at the time, who found out and promptly divorced him. In 1983, he was brought in as a fight choreographer for the infamously bad, never-say-never again. But he accidentally broke Sean Connery's wrists during training and was let go. Yeah, and Dr. No had to come in and put it in a slang forum. It was it.

That's unacceptable. Like if you break Sean Connery's wrist, what is he gonna use to beat his wife with? That's short elbows, Tom, short elbows. Have you seen the Sean Connery quote about beating women? Slapping his wife, yeah, damn it. She needs a little slap.

Yeah, he says it once in a while, a woman needs a little slap. Yeah, absolutely. If she's too much of a bitch, then you got a little slap. Yeah, he says it once in a while, a woman needs a little slap. Yeah, absolutely. If she's too much of a bitch, then you got a slapper. Yeah, if she's, it's, I mean, it's, oh, he's like,

I think men should be able to slap women. He just says that. Like, it's a really good one. All right, bond, jail bond. Let's get him in there. He's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like This is where men shake and not start. It was until the year 1984 that Segal would get his first big break. His Iketo studio had become- I knew it.

Sean Connery's wrist, that's- Yeah, it was a suit like a pretty big one. His Iketo studio had become a bit of an LA hotspot with students like actor James Coburn and agent Mike Ovitz. With the time was referred to as the most powerful man in Hollywood. Ovitz arranged for Segal to give a martial arts demonstration on the Warner Brothers lot. Unbeknownst to Segal, WB was looking for their version of dirty Harry. And after seeing his sweet, sweet, risk control skills passed in in his first film.

Above the law, which, despite its low budget, brought in 19 million film above the law which despite its low budget brought in nineteen million dollars at the box office. Steven Segal was a star. Well, you know, he was a nineteen million dollars worth of a star. I think it was the 55th highest crossing movie of the year. I should probably do that thing. No, it does at this point to talk about Akito. Wait, I talk about Akito. No, you don't wanna mean, I wanna go on a tan, a tangerine, I wanna go on a tangerine.

Nailed it. Perfect. So I should say at the outset, I am not a martial arts expert. Wait, you're not? You sure? I'm serious? Okay, glad you cleared that up.

That's good, that's good, cleared that up. That's good. That's good, that's important. That's why I'm not an expert in martial arts. Go ahead. Definitely, Evan. That he lied Bosnicus. That said, as Tom Hinton purled my abs. I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in

I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, against my abs, Tom, that's a terrible example. Jesus. Abs face. Anyways, as Tom hinted earlier, I keto isn't real. I mean, it's real, people do it, but it mostly consists of throwing your arm out in front of you, like you're jousting and then letting your friend throw you. I mean, it's even the Wikipedia page for IKeto admits as much when it says quote,

the attacks initiated by the, okay, that's just the arm guy, have been criticized as being weak, sloppy, and little more than caricatures of an attack. Weak attacks from the, okay, allow for a conditioned response from the, foray, that's the throwy guy. And result in underdevelopment of the skills needed for safe and effective practice of both partners. And quote, in other words, I keto is bullshit. Yes, that's a total fucking waste of time. That's why I exclusively train capoeira.

That's. Hey, look, if you think you're doing martial arts for something more than your health, you're the one that's bullshit. Okay, now some martial arts. Tough but than your health, you're the one that's bullshit, okay? Not some martial arts. Tough but fair, tough but fair. Add to that that in almost every style of a keto, its highest level practitioners claim to be able to stop or otherwise deflect attacks with their key

or spiritual energy. And by the way, if you'd like to know how that works out, go ahead and YouTube IKeto versus literally anything where you will find a bunch of videos of an old man who thinks he's a wizard getting punched in the fucking face. I watched all of them. They're so fucking funny. Yes, so these videos are absolutely amazing. You get two types.

The first is what you just described. You get to watch these Ikeeto guys. They realize that 40 years of studying means absolutely nothing. When the other guy just breaks your fucking nose. So the look of confusion and despair on these guys faces is priceless. Like they get angry. They're like, uh, excuse me, put out your wrist slowly, please. We're having a fight by gentlemen. And the real fighter is like, no, broken nose.

It's like no. Broken nose. It's the best. And the other kind of IKIDO video is pretty much always a white guy with a man bun dressed like a fucking cosplay samurai. Barely moving his body while a student goes fucking flying in the room, rolling over 19 times for no reason, slamming into walls. It's the fake pity orgasm of Marshall. That's what we're talking about. But of course, this creates a problem for Segal

and his tenuous relationship with the truth. I mean, even if I keto were real, it's all based on defense. So the choreography in this film is, shall we say, a tad unrealistic, a tad unrealistic for a martial arts movie? Yes. Yeah. I mean, the ex-seal team six CIA operative turn chef

is fake fighting. That doesn't sound right. It just doesn't sound. You know, it is defense before a keto. Everybody was kung fu fighting. And that's just hard to film. It's fastest lightning. It's hard to film it's fast as lightning and

so on top of that by all accounts right and so slightly to so that part of the john leg was on the first ever heard sing for the movie executive decision so got told his fellow cast members quote

i'm in command. Everything I say is law. Anybody doesn't agree. And quote, and when Leghwazama laughed at that statement, Segal tackled him into a wall. What? Yeah. But then a little bit dead somewhere anywhere said expecto patronum and so go I'm even a pure as a ghost somewhere in Nuggin Jersey.

I didn't get to finish the fight with. Wait so his martial art is effective and he could tackle somebody into a wall right. That's effective. Another infamous tale of this time is his confrontation with Hollywood stuntman and actual martial artist Jean Lebel. This is the fucking greatest thing ever happened. So Lebel was one of MMA's earliest proponents. And apparently, one day on set, Gau explained to Lebel that he was impervious to being choked out because of the strength of his cheek.

He then demanded what Le bell choke him out. Tried to punch the bell in the groin when he did. Passed out from the choke and crapped his pants. Yeah. That does happen sometimes. You're not a martial artist. How much blood was in his pants there? When asked about the veracity of this story by Vanity Fair,

Jean Lebel said of Segal, he's a good martial artist and a great actor. And the court said, I will say admittedly, crapping your pants is a pretty amazing defense. And it's a very well-stopped lot of attacks. I love that after choking him out, then he backhanded him like this. Well, yeah, right. Because this is like the most polite possible way of saying like, he's even worse at martial arts than acting.

However, as the 1990s began, Segal's star began to fade. He became petulant, paranoid. According to a stylist who fitted Segal for a tuxedo on Oscar night, quote, I had to tailor the tux around two giant guns. He said he needed cover in case they rust the stage on him. What? Who they were? I have no idea.

And quote, According to an XCIA operative named Robert Strickland who collaborated with Segal on an aborted film project at one of their meetings, Segal had opened an attaché case filled with $50,000 and asked him to kill someone for him. Segal's like, there's this meth head in Oklahoma with a lot of tigers. It's his money, okay?

It's his money. I love this because $50,000 in cash easily fits it to two letter sized envelopes. Yeah, right. The attache case had to be filled with like, fives and some rolls of quarter. Yes, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he You want me to bludgeon him to death with the 50 grand? This is a violent thing. Okay, put him in socks next time.

It's terrible socks. Jesus. It's just a case inside a case. It's a case inside a case. So go also wanted more artistic control over his movies. He wanted to direct and even write them. He wrote a script about AIDS, which was, what?

As he movingly explained to studio executives in the pitch meeting, hatched by the CIA in order to eradicate blacks and gays. What? What? The studio passed, huh? Yeah. And then Segal was like,

ah, shat myself. Ah! Still past. Still past. That's real past. Another story from this time period, according to Vanity Fair, quote, One day an executive walked into Segal's trailer and found Hollywood's reigning manly man, weeping. Oh, I'm reading this script, Segal explained. Still misty.

It's the most incredible script I've ever read. That's fantastic, the executive said. Who wrote it? Segal didn't mis a beat. I did. I love him so much. The early 90s also saw his directorial debut, which was a movie called On Deadly Ground, in which Segal faced down an evil oil barren played by Michael Kane Michael Kane was a man gave himself a 14 minute Final monologue about environmentalism

Which the studio cut down to four All right Well, I do I watch that fucking movie back in 95 Eli says that monologue is only four minutes long, but I'm pretty sure it's still going We're gonna pause for a quick fact check and toss things over for a little apropos of nothing Hi, I'm Steven Seagull. Do you want to strike fear into the heart of your enemies? Do you have irritable bowel syndrome? Well then why not master? Bullshit, Sue. Give me all your money! Jesus fuck, okay, never mind. Sorry, we got it. Take on multiple opponents. Hey, what do you say to mine? Yeah, let's get him.

You know what? Never mind. It's even fantastic for ladies. Give it your purse. No, get away from me. Fine, keep your fucking purse. Oh, holy hell. Well, shit too. Significantly more real than Ikeeta. And we're back when we last left.

Offie was making fun of a person for embellishing his life story and letting a smile around a thing go to his head So I'm sorry. You like what color is the cattle? Oh tough but fair no a tough Now Now it would be understandable at this point to be sympathetic to Seagull. I mean, think it till you make it is the Hollywood slogan and who doesn't indulge in a little self delusion. So, less we dull people's enjoyment of how much crazier and sadder Seagull's life is about to get.

I should point out that Stephen Seagull has been the subject of no less than 10 sexual harassment lawsuits. So what did I found on Wikipedia? Wow. And it's been accused of sexual assault by multiple actresses who've worked with him. Those stories aren't funny, so I left them out of the essay, but I think we can all agree that he deserved to be choked

until he crapped his pants. I need a lot of convincing on that one. Right, yeah. I didn't need any convincing on that. That's fair. Already, but more now. That's fair. Already, but more now. There you go.

So in 1995, his then wife, Kelly LeBrock, served him divorce papers, which sent him down a spiral of new age healing and Eastern philosophy. Kelly LeBrock, like weird science, Kelly LeBrock. Oh, yeah. And Kelly LeBrock didn't know that. Fuck off. Yes. In 1997, his teacher, Pinoir Rinpoche, declared him a tulku, the embodiment of Lama Chung

Drag Dorje, founder of a 17th century Tibetan monastery. In a sacred ceremony in Tibet, he was given the official title, Perton Rinpoche, or Precious Jewel. A name he still calls himself by today. Oh, what the fuck? He is the platonic version of your friend's drunk dad making you listen to stories when you don't want to. Oh, he's got a lot of risk control.

Check. Use the phrase code word clearance. Check. Over pronouncing Terton Pinboche and Karate. Check. phrase code word clearance overpronouncing Terton pinpoche and carade check in addition to his super sweet

nickname according to Wikipedia quote sagal is the guardian of yabshi pan rinsin wangmo what the only child of the 10th panchen llama of Tibet when she studied in the United States, Steven Segal was her minder and bodyguard.

Wow. Whenever anyone he's guarding is in danger, he just craps a protection circle around him and it's the same. It's so weird to be the idea that somebody felt safer when Steven Seagal was near their chaff. Oh, my God. What? This spiritual awakening caused quite the disruption for both his life and career. He didn't want to make violent movies anymore, leaving his business partner and Gambino family bagman, Jules Nassau, on the hook for a four-picture deal, which Seagal refused

to honor. In 2001, Nassau sued Segal for $60 million and, allegedly, sent mafia heavies to his home and movie sets to threaten him. According to True TV, which you know is true because it's in the name, quote, on June 4th of 2001, three months after Nassau had filed his suit against Segal, police and federal agents pounded on the door of NOSO's Staten Island home, Villeteranova before dawn and arrested him. That's the title of his house on Staten Island. The right. Fuck you. NOSO was charged with conspiracy to commit extortion and extortion of an individual in the film industry. Wait, wait, movie people have their own dedicated extortion.

Simultaneously, 16 other men were arrested. All of them were a part of wide-ranging 68 count indictments. The two counts against Nasa were just a small part of it, but it would prove to give an otherwise routine Mafia sweep some Hollywood flair." Now interestingly enough, Segal was subpoenaed to testify for the prosecution at trial. However, much of Segal's alleged past came back to bite it. For instance, an ex-con testified at the trial that Segal had paid him to put a dead fish with a rose in its mouth on the porter's windshield. Did you just use predictive texts to finish that sense? Man, 1-800 flowers has some very weirdly specific delivery options. That's... Later in the trial, Sago was asked by the Dixiel now.

It's a huge drop down. Just keeps scrolling and telling. You know Sago watched the Godfather and tried to like wrestle the head off a horse using I could ever run for it. I'm gonna get this guy to do dead fish and arouse. Later in the trial, Sago was asked by the defense if he'd ever paid someone to quote, I'm gonna get this guy to do dead fish and arousal. I'm gonna get this guy to do dead fish and arousal. Later in the trial, Seagull was asked by the defense if he'd ever paid someone to quote,

set up a man in a compromising homosexual situation. Wow. He replied, I'm not on trial here. This is crazy. Jean LeBelle is gay. What? He tried to give me a rear naked joke. Come on, he's gay.

He's a smear naked gay guy. He's the gay guy who's turned out. That shit doesn't sound. In 2005, so go, put out his first and only album. Oh, you bet your ass he did. It's called Songs from the Crystal Cave, and he made it with his band Thunderbox. Oh, I knew a girl named Thunderbox once. God, I miss her.

What a class actually. Thunderbox. On the album, he performs duets with Tony Rebel, Lieutenant Stitchy, Lady Saw, and Stevie Wonder. What? What are these things is not like the other. Steve, get on that list. Here are some lyrics from that album. Stevie Wonder what's that one of these things is not like the other Here are some lyrics from that album. I could ruin your livelihood. I could kill you. I would with the messiest shit You ever heard

I could trash your lip, mutate ya. You might lose your wife. I might destroy your life. I don't know. I looked at this album. My favorite track name on that album is called Music. There's an asterisk over it's like, yeah. This is not a lot of legally protected terms. Strasgoers like yes, this is not a lot legally protected turtleneck Another song reads quote girl what you really want all night me want the buddy what make me feel nice

Boy what you really want all night me want the Poonani See for make nice she want the buddy him want the Poonani, and me know it nice. I mean, admittedly, it's not a sonnet by Francis Bacon, but this guy fucked Cali LaBroc before she turned her face inside out. So, I mean, in the same year, he also launched an energy drink. You bet you're at a seat. Sorry, correction, as he called it a Nutrisutical beverage called full name Stephen Segal's Lightning Bolt.

Here's the press release for said beverage. Quote, maintaining an unrelenting schedule that would tire younger entrepreneurs, the 54-year-old Segal has just completed two movies into the sun and submerged. His album, Songs from the Crystal Cave, released earlier this year has already hit the pop charts in Europe. The poop charts. Lightning Bolt energy drink is the result of Segal's travels in Asia. In search of the botanicals, believe to keep many locals disease free for life. Okay. Obviously a gentleman called five flower energy. Like you're going in there.

Come on. Rists. Lockstar. No, that doesn't work. Segal says he discovered the benefits of Asian cordisaps, one of the most rare and treasured botanicals used in Chinese and Tibetan medicine for thousands of years, while researching a new master's. He's so rare we built this. He's so rare we built this. While researching immune builders in Asia, it promotes energy, vitality, and longevity. Other unique ingredients of the drink include the Tibetan Goji berry,

a powerful antioxidant, and a juice concentrate with a patented process that contains naturally occurring polycosynols. Polycosynols have been shown in clinical studies to lower cholesterol. Lightning Bolt is the first energy drink made from 100% natural juice. I have traveled the world creating this drink. There is none better that I know says Segal who frequented to bat and Japan in the 1960s and 1970s while learning Buddhism martial arts and Urbology. I've included in this drink everything I could to strengthen the body and press release. Jesus what I fucking appreciate most about that press release is its brevity and clarity. Quick side note. By the way, if Seba was into bet and Japan in the 1960s, he wasn't. He did

so at the age of eight. Well, or nine through 18. Well, yeah, he's a liar, but a decade, you're like, that is 10 years. It was 10 years in there. His world too, ours, yeah. In 2009, A&E Network premiered the show, Steven Segal, Lawman. Yes. The show. I'm so excited.

I'm so happy. I'm seeing the show. The show is based on the conceit that Segal has been a secret police officer for over 20 years. Every single drunk dead thing. Like if he doesn't pop out of this podcast somehow and start ugly crying about his divorce, I'll be very surprised.

Yeah. So according to Segal, he was asked to train cops in Ikeeto in 1989 and was sworn in at the time. And while it's true, Segal does have a certificate from the peace officer standards and training, an organization that accredits police officers, post officials in California and Louisiana said they have no record of Segal being certified. A secret police officer Eli, hello. Yeah. That's what it works.

And if you haven't watched this show by the way, you must. Oh yes. Oh yes. Plus a pathological liar bragging about his magic powers as like the interstitial. It's the best is what I'm saying. I'm so fucking glad I know about this.

Now my dad and I are finally gonna have something to watch together like this. So, here's a description of one such segment from the Los Angeles Times at its premiere. Well, as a world class marksman, Sago also shares some of his amazing Zen shooting techniques. The Zen masters in Zen archery, they don't pull the arrow. They push the arrow.

Well, they don't. No, they don't. No, they don't. It's the same thing with that pistol. He tells one deputy apprentice. He goes like, dude, I'm pushing the trigger. That's nothing that's meaningless. I want you to take that front site. So, Gull says pointing to the officer's gun, then I want you to put it right there. He says pointing to the target. Now squeeze. I don't know about amazing, but the technique is certainly zen in its implicitly. And quote, uh, for several episodes of the show, Segal teamed up with the none other, then proud concentration camp owner and, than proud concentration camp owner and

Presidentially pardoned former sheriff Joe our pie. Wow. That tracks more than almost anything that's ever trapped On the show the two patrol for illegal immigrants together run live shooting drills without warning at local elementary schools and I'm not making this up. Draw the tank through the side of a guy's house. Okay. He was accused of running a cock fighting ring, killing a bunch of roosters and the man's dog in the process. Yes, yes. I know this story, so I know that they ran over the roosters,

but I prefer to imagine that he had like, mold through him like a Beatrice Kino taking on the crazy A.D.A. and we got a little spurs on the dog is the boss rolling at the end. A bunch of roosters start Ikeeto throwing the tank at rolls around. All right, take it from a different angle. I don't know what's happening.

This whole thing would have been much safer if that had been one of the magic barking dogs. Right. I would move them. I'd warn them and whole thing would have been much safer if that had been one of the magic barking dogs. Right? I would've used it more than him and then everybody would have known. I love the idea of Joe Arpio and him hunting down illegal immigrants. They catch one and then he,

Segal can like interrogate him with this many languages. You know, he just, he's talking to me and broken Japanese and the guy's just, you're gonna shoulder's, I don't know what you're saying. What the fuck is a Joe dough? I don't know what the fuck you're saying. That man, by the way, went on to Susa

golf for $100,000 and a written apology to his children for killing their puppies. She's a good one. That means there's an official letter out there that says, dear child, sorry, I killed your puppy with my Nazi friend in his tent. No, the petrified jewel, Stephen's your life. I'm accurate. All accurate. Oh, Jesus.

I would cash in my 401k for that later. I would just, Oh my God. At a certain point when talking about Steven Segal, all you have to do is read Wikipedia. In 2013, quote, Segal joined a newly formed Russian firearms manufacturer, Orcis, representing the company in both promotional capacity, as well as lobbying for the easement of US import restrictions on Russian sporting firearms. It was also announced he would work with the company to develop a signature long-range rifle known provisionally as Orsis by Steven Seagal.

And, well, get the world to only push trigger. He is also, and this is true, close personal friends with Russian president Vladimir Putin who not only fast-tracked Segal's Russian citizenship but personally presented him with his dual citizenship passport in 2016. In 2020 again just a quote the US Securities and Exchange Commission announced settled charges against Seagull for failing to disclose payments he received for promoting an investment in an initial coin offering, ICO, conducted by Bitcoin to Gen. B2G.

Is it extra? I was in this stall and I said, it's Bitcoin. It's not as legitimate as Bitcoin. It get it. That's awesome. It's not as legit as this Bitcoin. It's, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like a bunch of jocks like Bitcoin. Bitcoin. So, Galt was promised $250,000 in cash and $750,000 worth of B2G tokens in exchange for his social media promotions and press release in which he quote, wholeheartedly endorsed the ICO, which violated the anti-touting provisions

of federal securities laws. Yes, senators can solve millions in stock after a COVID briefing, but keep going after the big guns SEC, that's not your gene to go after. Right. Also, who are the fuck cares if Steven Segal inverses an investment view? Why would that Bitcoin, the company think that would be helpful?

On a ball or money on a stock subon, robot, Bitcoin. Bitcoin. It's a goal. So, have you seen under siege? That guy has an investment winner. It can't lose. He. It can't lose. He says it can't lose.

He's not actually a chef. He's a martial artist. So he's also a chef. He's both. Really? It concludes without admitting or denying the SEC's findings. So go agreed to pay $150,000 in Discouragement,

representing the actual payments he received for his promotion plus Prejudgment interest and a 150 thousand dollar penalty so go also agreed not to promote any securities digital or otherwise for three years And quote what that's an amazing idea to Some right story you've learned in one sentence. What would it be? I studied karate with Mr. Karate himself. Sure you did. All right. In Eli, are you ready for the quiz? Only if you agree to back up four feet and run at me with it with your arm sticking

straight out. Damn straight. No, no, that's very apropos. These questions are the IKIDO attacks of the No, no, that's very apropos. These questions are the Ikeeto attacks of course. So good. So good. So good.

All right, Eli, other than Yipman, what is the best martial arts movie about a magical dog? Is it a leashed? It's unleashed, it's unleashed. It's unleashed. It's unleashed. It's unleashed. It's unleashed.

It's unleashed. It's unleashed. It's unleashed. It's unleashed. It's unleashed. It's unleashed. It's only just a little bit. It's only a little bit. B, kick boxer. No, it's separate into dubs. It's very clever. C, chao chao lin soccer. D, Romeo must play dead. E, grumble in the Bronx.

So good. Well, you know I'm a sucker for Pugs, Heath. I'm gonna go with E, grumble in the brunt. So good. Well, you know I'm a sucker for Pugs, Heath. I'm going to go with E grumble in the Bronx. That is correct. Well done. All right, Eli, you have C seems to have actually settled the question of which Marshall art is best by answering generally all of them. Notable exceptions include not only Akito though, but a

Olympic spin kicking also known as Taikwondo. How dare you? B. Brazilian kick dancing. That's a black belt. Second to greet black belt. This means... D-L-I. D-L-I.

A-A. A-A. As if to underscore your point, Tom. Do you lie? Do you lie? Ah! Ah! Ah! As if to underscore your point, Tom. That's what I was gonna say. I'm so afraid now. All right. Be Brazilian kick dancing, aka capoeira.

See, the karate you learned at the Y, or D, just being fat and hard to move also known as sumo or American exceptional. I'm going to go with a Olympic spin kicking a K a Taekwondo based on my own personal experience. K like last one. Oh, was it right time? Sure it was. Yeah. I think it's pronounced Taekwam Jo.

It could be Taekwam Jo, I mean, it's either way, really. Eli, after Steven Segal snapped Sean Connery's wrist, what other movies did he consult for stunts? A, joint break, B, pull hand, uk, c, radius of the tossed mark or d. radius is the bone in arm. Anyway, d, that was amazing. Farewell the arms.

Definitely, d farewell the arms. It was, c radius of the tossed marks. Sorry about it. Dang it Sorry, you were so close you almost made it through but it looks like our winner this week is going to be Seasol and I will pick Tom this week to do the essay for next week Oh, Ryan well for Tom seasonal Eli and he Tom know what thank you for hanging out with us today We'll be back next week and by then, Tom will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to our other stuff. You'll find Tom and Cecil on cognitive dissonance and more of Eli, Heath and myself on all the other podcasts.

Pretty much. And in case you forgot, Eli has a blog and by you, I mean Eli. You, I don't know if you remember that. That was... Thank you. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. We really appreciate that. You can also leave us a five star review everywhere. You can. We appreciate that too, but not as much. If you'd like to get in touch with us,

check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpod.com. And cut! Alright, great take, Steve. Great take. So we're just gonna need a couple more for good measure just to have them. Great, great, I'll hit crafty. I hope they have waffles today. Ooh, I do not think they have waffles today. Yeah, okay, I'll get some waffles. We'll get them. And some new pants pants and some new pants. Yep Yeah, I've several ready