Citation Needed - The Battle of the Crater

Episode Date: October 23, 2019

he Battle of the Crater was a battle of the American Civil War, part of the Siege of Petersburg. It took place on July 30, 1864, between the Confederate Army of Northern Virginia, commanded by General Robert E. Lee, and the Union Army of the Potomac, commanded by Maj. Gen. George G. Meade (under the direct supervision of the general-in-chief, Lt. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant). --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

I mean, did you guys really think they need another extended intro? Yeah man, intermission is pretty short and people need time to get more drinks. Give me some time. Okay well, let's just hope that you know who there sits down a little faster this time. Ugh, yes, the worst. I am telling you, you are wasting your time. Exactly. Hey guys, um, why are we watching Eli dig a hole? Great question.

Oh, finally Heath, Tom. You're strapping young men. Come help me dig this thing. No, absolutely not. I'm sweating just watching you. Yeah, Cecil says I can't have shovels anymore. Nothing with a handle. This is thing, no. No, that's, that's a rule. Yeah, Cecil says I can't have shovels anymore. Nothing with a handle. This is the end now.

No, that's- that's a rule. Come- come on, guys. It's the Battle of the Crater this episode. The last stand of a civil war. What better place to do it from than a scarred, empty pit in the earth? And for the last time, Eli, I already told you, you don't need to do that. Oh, for goodness sake, why, Cecil? Because we're gonna do this one live in New York City. You know what, Fair Point? Help me out of here.

Finally, Jesus. See how long it took that guy to sit down? Right? Hello and welcome to Citation Needed Live in New York City. Oh! Ha ha ha ha! Just in case anyone's new, this is the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts

because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Heath and somehow I've been chosen to host this episode about my direct ancestor Robert E. Lee and one of his Confederate victories. So this will be fun. Great. Yeah, great work Uncle Bob. So I'm going to mostly shut the fuck up.

And hand things over to my very diverse panel of experts. First up, we have three guys who look like the Confederate Army JV Squad. Cecil Eliantom. Right? Yeah. I only got recruited because I've been a adorable name for my penis. Dixie. Little Dixie.

I will whistle you all days. Let all dexie I will whistle you all days And I only look like you Confederate soldier because of the beard and the Color it's not like I don't like labels. I was gonna write a joke here But it seemed like a lost cause so Interesting fans. Oh, this is gonna be a good one. And also joining me, all the way from South Georgia, where the war is officially still at halftime. That's what they say. That's what they say.

Woo! Woo! So is. We have the only Stacey Abrams voter whose vote actually got counted. Right, Right? Right? Give it up for no illusions.

Oh. Yeah, it's great for Halloween, Lucen, and I just put the Stacey Abrams sign back on the lawn. I'm fucking terrified. All right, let's get right into it. We already gave you some hints, but let's make it official. Eli, what, person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event? Are we going to be talking about today?

Today, we'll be talking about the Battle of the Crater. Excellent. And Noah, you can see at least 20 Confederate flags from your house that any given known as that. And she can. By Georgia state law. Are you ready to see talk? I am sir.

So what was the battle of the crater? All right, so the battle of the crater was an infamous military blunder during the American Civil War in which the union army blew a giant hole on the ground, climbed into it and

waited for someone to shoot them. That's the whole fucking story. So if you've seen the movie Cold Mountain, this is the battle that's depicted in the opening scene of that movie. And if you've seen the movie Brokeback Mountain, it's just kind of like getting fucked in the ass. So similar in many ways.

I really need to watch that movie. I don't think I'm doing it right now. The Sibian people will help you. Yes. Yes. All right, so there's a bunch of guys pressed into a tight hole waiting to shoot. Yep. The US military, some things never changed.

Go. All right. So this story takes place in July of 1864, more than three years into the war. By now, it's pretty clear that the US is going to win this war, but it's just not clear how long that's going to take or how many people are going to have to die to make it happen. The Confederacy is on the brink of collapse, and one of their last remaining strongholds is Richmond, Virginia. It is no exaggeration to say that if the Union Army could take Richmond, they could end the war. Thus, marking the first and last time, Richmond, Virginia would matter.

It is picturing that conversation on the battlefield, right? There, it is essential we take Richmond. Yeah, you keep saying that. I think we have the manpower, the logistics, and the tactical advantage. Right. Yeah, you don't strike. I know, I know, it's just... Just what?

Just after we take it, how long until we can give it back? I mean, a couple of months, it might be part of the North forever. Right, so... Yeah, pinning that? Pinning that? Yeah, pinning that. Yeah. Yeah. Now, about 25 miles south of Richmond, there's a city called Petersburg and during the war,

that's a critical transportation hub. So we got nine different roads, five different rail lines, all converging right there on their way over the Appomattox. So basically everything being shipped from the south to Richmond has to make its way through exactly this spot. Obviously, this left the Union Army salivating over it. The only problem was that weapons tech was moving a hell of a lot quicker than vehicle tech at that point.

And the Confederate Army was already there. Well, you know how much the South likes to surrender. The Confederates just didn't want to be capitulate. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, capitulate means to surrender. Oh, that's the joke. Wow, I saw that in the notes and I couldn't even tell where the joke was until he said, you'll all find it the thores under your seat.

So I just grabbed that. That's fine. You get a joke. You get a joke. You get a joke. All right. So one of the things that makes the Civil War so interesting to me is it's one of the first major wars in the rapid fire era where both sides of a conflict have access to rapid fire technology. Right. So machine guns wouldn't be invented for a couple of decades, but there were already various proto machine guns in use. The gambling gun

was invented early on in this war. So basically all the generals in this army were having to deal with whole new problems when they went up against entrenched positions. And if you know anything at all about World War One, this is a problem that military theorists still wouldn't have solved 50 years later. You make it sound like it's some kind of complicated equation. The generals are just trying to find out, you know, it's like, you just had to solve for X where X equals more bodies.

It's not true. Yeah, it's true. You would think to solve for X where X equals more bodies. It's not true. You would think this kind of thing would only have to happen once on either side before someone, but suggest not lining up your troops like connect four pieces. Now, of course, Heath's direct ancestor, Robert E. Lee knows full well. Yeah. I was also related to Grant. It's true. Yeah.

It's st. It's a. All right. So of course, Lee knows to Grant. It's true. Yeah. Yeah. It's St. Tys. It's the yep. Alright. So of course, Lino is exactly how important Peter's burger. So he loads it up with formidable defenses on all sides. He's got zigzagging trenches with interlocking fields of fire that's around the entire city, all the brush, all the covers been removed for like hundreds of yards in front of all these trenches. And they replaced all of that by crazy defenses like medieval types, like spiked logs and stuff. So statin island. Or yeah, exactly, exactly.

I guess we're safe if Jersey tries to invade. Long go back. This is an hour of it. Little known fact, we were all just a mode of alligators away from losing this. Yeah, right? Shot them in the legs, yeah. little known fact we were all just a motive alligators away from losing this yeah right shot him in the legs yeah so trump really wanted to do that it's true

so the union army tries to take peter's berg the confederate army says not on this is this results in what's called the siege of peter's berg now this is not technically a siege which would imply that the city was completely surrounded by military forces what we actually have here is an early example of trench warfare. They just didn't have a name for that yet. So grants forces push against the city. The city pushes back and ultimately you end up with both sides of the army and trench along a 20 mile front.

This is stale made it for weeks like this. How's that with the best parties you attack? You lose and then you're just like, I guess I'll live in a mud pit for a while. That'll show them. Yeah, right. Well, I'm not leaving. Right. So among the Union soldiers, there's a dude named Lieutenant Colonel Henry Plezans. So he comes up with an idea how they can break this week's long gridlock. Turns out Plezans was a minor before the war and he proposes digging

a long mind shaft under the nomans land, then planting explosives beneath the Confederate trenches that you hit your cartoon dynamite plunger, you poke your fingers into your ears and you wait for a hole to blow open in the enemy line. Unfortunately, it would not work out as well for him as it did for the venerable Wiley Coyote. I'm really hoping both sides tried that same plan and they like ran into each other halfway across. Oh, hey. Funny story. You go.

You go. You go. You go first. Okay, so this is awkward. Quick question. You guys digging other tubes? N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N- So I'm thinking either we both agree to just fill it back in, right? Or... Don and my roller durmian soul, too! Yeah! Excellent.

Excellent. To decide on slavery. Exactly. This is how we'll decide slavery. Yes, yes. All right. So, Pleasant's proposes this to major general Ambrose E. Burnside's, Pope County High School's class of 1958's, named it'll best fit into a civil war essay on a re.

And he says, hey, what the fuck, why not? And he tells Pleasant's to make it happen. Interesting side note, by the way, Burnside is literally the guy that we named sideburns for. That's true. Yeah, that looks like a hair tonton. He's the best, yeah. A-cah!

He's the best, just the giant beard minus the chin part, like sliced right out. Yeah. Old timey sword. Yeah. He looks like Cecil lost a really weird bet. Yeah. Yeah. And Eli slept inside of him like a ton of time.

Sadly in real life, I lost that bet. Also Cecil's wife is just really strong, crazy, strong. Crazy. Yeah, she's been doing interval training. Is that it? Yeah, it is. It is. It's what it is.

All right. So, meat gets a hold of the plan. He's skeptical. First of all, he apparently hates the ever loving fuck out of Burnside. Probably just jealous of his sweet, cheek, pub fame or whatever. So, he's naturally inclined to shit on anything that Burnside suggests. But to his credit, he also had good reasons to be doubtful. The tunnel pleasants wanted to dig needed to be 500 feet long.

And the Union Army had tried a similar stunt with a mineshaft, one tenth that length, and it fucking collapsed. The mine presence wanted to build would have been the largest military engineering project in history. Okay, hold on, they failed to dig a tunnel that was one tenth of 500 feet.

The whole might of the Union Army couldn't dig a tunnel from like my porch to somewhere around the might of the Union Army couldn't dig a tunnel from like my porch to somewhere around the middle of the backyard. Apparently not. No. So all that being said, the troops were getting restless and trench wear warfare as a way of making soldiers recognize the futility of what they're doing. Yeah, because up until now the civil war had been going so well. Right. I know I've been having a lot of fun. Yeah. The civil. Haha. Yeah. Yeah. No, that was a good joke, Tom. Good joke. He told up his own shit. Did sign on his own joke. I love it. Now, of course, mean it figures like, you know what, this won't work, but at least this will give the soldiers something

to do to keep them from getting super antsy. So he agrees to burn size plan, but, and this is important, he offers exactly zero logistical support. He will not even send those motherfuckers shovels. So, so, they were given the same amount of supplies as a modern public day school teacher. Okay, yes, sure. And they have the same percentage risk of getting shot. So... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No, he's not don't work 100% I can't promise you my friends Please war in 2020

Tim Ryan unexpected come back 2020 He said no one's coming to save us on national nevermind go no You were talking about the Civil War. Yes, I was. I'm talking about the first Civil War, yeah. Yeah, I got it in the second one already. The prequels are never as good, they're just, all right. So I want to go into a little bit of detail on the construction of the mine itself, because

I'm sure Tom is super curious. And also because it was actually a really amazing feat of engineering, especially when you consider that this was all done with improvised tools by people who are being shot at at the time, right? Where do God know if this starts with another history of digging? I'm leaving. I can't. Delete.

Sorry, I got to delete some shit. All right. So the biggest problem you encounter when you're trying to dig a tunnel this length is ventilation, right? So as you move further and further into the mind, you're moving away from your source of oxygen and you're exhaling a bunch of carbon dioxide. So if you dig far enough, suddenly you're gonna have asphyxiate. Now normally the solution is just pop a chimney up every so often and that gives you a source of fresh air. But as dumb as the Confederacy was, they probably would have noticed a series of breathing tubes popping up ever closer

to their line. So these guys had to come up with something else. Yeah, Confederate soldiers are just sitting there and a periscope pops up the eye winks and then it goes right back now. What do you see soldier? Nothing, sir, just another flirty worm. What do you see soldier? Nothing sir, just another flirty worm. Sorry what? It's actually like the whole movie tremors was just edited right out of the Ken Burns document. Yeah, no. It's been so much better. So now what Plezans came up with was actually pretty ingenious.

So basically you have a wooden pipe that funnels fresh air into the tunnel and a shaft with a fire burning in its base that's gonna heat up all the stale air that's deep in the tunnel and that's gonna cause that to rise back out, right? And that actually creates a vacuum that pulls fresh air down into the tunnel and creates a noticeable breeze for them as well.

We're punishing air with fire, that's a fresh light. That's what that is. Oh. Oh. I'm winning you over. I'm winning you over. It's what I say, the solution to the problem was a flaming snorkel fan. I'm so fucking in on this. I told you he'd be into this engineering. All right. So of course, the other big issue they faced was the anti-dufrain problem.

Right? So they're trying to do this in secret. So they can't exactly have this giant expanding pile of dirt right behind their trenches. So they actually had to carry the dirt several miles behind the line. And then when they got there, they would like stick brush and shit over top of it so that no spies would notice anything was a mess. And of course this process is made all the harder because the fucking commander wouldn't give them wheelbarrow. What?

Guys, no, I got it. We just dig a hole and bury the dirt right there. In the hole. Okay, no, I heard it. I said it out loud. I heard it. All right. I'll leave.

So despite several problems in the construction and supply shortage, it's just so great that they literally had to dismantle a wooden bridge to secure enough timbers to hold up their tunnel at one point. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, they had bridge dismantling tools, but they didn't have shovels. Because this just seems passive-aggressive now. It's like, no, that's fine. I'll make my own tools. Don't get up. I'll just be winning the war.

Are you a napper? Whatever you're doing. Cool. It's fine. I'll make my own tools. Don't get up. I'll just be winning the war. You got napper, whatever you're doing. Cool. It's fine. All right. So eventually they may get the 500 feet and by July 17th, they're right below the Confederate trenchworks. You guys can feel the fucking tension, right? Yeah. It's going. Now, at this point, they form a T with the mind so they can blow up a wider swath of Peter's Berge defenses. And once that cavity is fully excavated, they fill it with thousands of pounds of gunpowder. There's that one really excited farming in the back that's like, give me a tea. We got it, Dave, shut the fuck up. It's a fucking tea. It's the shape. Yes. You're the worst. You're the fucking a little shit. Yeah, so, all right, so Burnside have requested several links of 100 foot waterproof fuse for his operation.

What made Sentin was a shit ton of 10 foot long non-waterproof fuses and a note that said fuck your face. But Burnside's men, to their credit, they spliced that shit together. They made a really long, daisy chain of fuses to make this work. Okay, sir. So, in spite of not having basic tools or supplies and constantly being under fire, we dug a secret bomb tunnel filled it with explosives behind enemy lines. All we need from you now is a fuse.

I got it. Okay, you can have 11 feet of yarn. Yeah. That's fine, I guess. Actually, it's actually more like nine feet. We played Kat's cradle. Yeah. Do you want to play?

So we're in a war. All right. This is how we'll decide on sleeping. Yeah. It is though we'll decide on sleep. It is though. We barely got that one. So in the pre-dawn hours of July 30th, 1864, Pleasants lit the fuse and detonated what may well have been the largest explosion human beings would create until we dropped the

atomic fucking bomb. Really? Big fan of the atomic bomb? Big fan of the atomic bomb. Yeah, for the atomic bomb. Got some fans of nuclear genocide in the audience tonight. And some people like big explosions, you know. Yeah, leave it nothing but the shadows of children. Let's hear it for them.

All right, you fucked up my tension, by the way. You fucked up my tension. All right, bring back the tension. Yeah by the way. You fucked up my tension. All right, bring back the tension. Yeah, remember I was doing the low voice, suspensely thing. Here we go. The Union soldiers got it. Thank you. Tension. The Union soldiers advanced in the wake of this blast, but they'd soon find out that they'd used 8,000 pounds of gunpowder to dig their own grave.

Dun dun dun. Heavens. Okay, it's official. Noah did, in fact, choose a Confederate victory for the topic of his show. Thought there might be a twist. Sounds like no. Nope. Guess that explains the people out front of the pit with the teaky torches.

LAUGHTER Channing whose streets are streets? Oh, no. OK. Or maybe they thought that big red statue with the bow tie was a Confederate general? Yeah, yeah. Either way, we're going to take a quick break.

First of all for both nothing private smith get over here yes sir i needed detailed report of the supplies on hand in each q senate five hundred assault rifles yes sir uh... well uh... not exactly The detailed report of the supplies on hand and HQ sent the 500 assault rifles? Yes, sir. Uh, well, uh, not exactly, but they sent the next best thing. They sent 14 super-soakers and 12 cap guns. With caps?

Not with caps. I don't understand. Um, you want me to read that off to you again? I do not, Private. What the hell are we supposed to do with super-soakers? Ah, they suggest that we fill them with P. Uh, what about the helmets? What about the body armor that we ordered? Okay, they sent melons and a melon baller for the helmets.

And for the body armor? Well, I'm honestly not even sure, just kind of guessing. They also sent a case of duct tape wallets. Actually, the duct tape wallets are pretty cool. You're not in the sketch! You can't get out of the sketch! You're not in the sketch! Duck tape wallets are treasure! Okay, private, what about the tanks? Oh, right, yeah, the tanks. We got shopping carts with bayonets taped to the front. Is there anything that we asked for that they did send? Yes, sir. We asked for the bottom 12th percent of last year's graduating class, and they did send that. Wait, we asked for that?

Yes, sir, we did. We call them recruits. And we're back. When we left off, the Union Army had just set off a giant bomb and started running towards it. And the Confederate lines. And it's about to be just like broke back mountain is what Noah said. So my interest is peaked. What's next? All right. So I have to back up in the timeline a little bit.

So the whole time the soldiers are digging this unprecedented tunnel. Burn size job is to prepare for the post-couplui attack. Now, that's actually a bit of a problem because pretty much all of his regiments have been constantly fighting since the siege began at this point months earlier. So none of them were in the state of ready that you'd want from major assaults. Yeah, I'm going to guess they were a little worn out from digging a fucking tunnel using brooms of sought-off legs. Yeah. Right.

Right. But there was one exception. So Burnside had one entire division under his command that hadn't seen any real battle in the entire war to this point. So in the modern day, we kind of think of racism as pushing African-American soldiers to the front lines, but it turns out it can also push them to the rear, which is what happened in the Union Army. Yeah, put the black guys in the rear, they can penetrate from further away. It makes...

That tracks. That tracks. So, Tom has... Oh, lost the camera. The camera committed suicide with that, too. Camera fucking quit. Camera was like, doesn't matter if it's a posthumous stereotype, it doesn't matter. I don't want to be suicide with that. Camera fucking quit. Camera was like, doesn't matter if it's a possible stereotype.

It doesn't matter. I don't want to be athotheated with this. All right. So as Tom has just aptly demonstrated, we have to remember these guys were only progressive compared to literal slave owners, right? So there was this widespread fear among the Union generals that black soldiers weren't brave enough or tough enough or smart enough for whatever to be in combat positions.

So throughout the war, they were largely relegated to menial tasks behind the lines. Black soldiers just like, oh, I really, really want to get out there and tie in the mud, but, boom. You guys say so. I guess I'll stay back here and fuck your wife. Ha ha ha ha! Hey, yeah, General, just feel my skull dimples. I'd have no idea what to do in a gun fight.

No idea. Read a fucking phonology book, General. Second camera... idea. Read a fucking chronology book. Oh, second camera. Yeah. All right. So Burnside to his credit, though, when he looks at this division, he sees fresh troops eager for a chance to prove themselves and shoot the fuck out of some slave owners. So he sets about training them for the attack. And by modern standards, the training they got was pretty lackluster, but by civil war standards, it was really fucking good. Right. He spent weeks with these soldiers several

miles away behind the line so that the Confederate army wouldn't wind, like get wind of this coming attack. And he gave them very specific instructions on how to deploy. And by civil war standards, a regiment that still had half its limbs was fucking crushing absolutely a years in yeah it had a more dressing white face just a throw the whole thing off to thum so uh...

uh... alright so here's what here's what burns i'd had in mind after they detonate the explosion two brigades rushed the line, the Confederacy is going to be stunned for a bit, but as soon as they realize what happened, they're going to start rushing in reinforcements to this spot. And the Union soldiers are going to have to secure these trenches before that

happens. So one brigade is supposed to go left at the explosion, one goes right, they seal off the trenches on the other side. Once they've done that, two more brigades pour in through the center and take Petersburg. See, nowadays, Burnside would have to like work at a paintball course and take it too seriously until he killed his girlfriend and then himself. What? You show me a paintballer who doesn't murder his wife and his unborn child, and I'll take the joke back exactly. All right, well we already lost the zip lining audience, I guess we've lost. Because they got killed by their boyfriend.

They had a fight after an imagined dragon's concert. All right. So here's with his story goes horribly, horribly wrong, okay? I'm just now with that show. Yeah, no, no. I'm just going to be bottom-up. I'm going to be bottom-up. I'm going to be bottom-up.

I'm going to be bottom-up. I'm going to be bottom-up. I'm going to be bottom-up. I'm going to be bottom-up. I'm going to be bottom-up. I said this story, not the fucking essay, okay? So on the day before the battle, literally 15 hours before their schedule to light the fuse, need the decides to make a change

to burn size battle plants. He doesn't want to use this black regimen. So he orders Burnside to forego using the troops that have been trading for this shit for weeks and instead give the job to white soldiers. And the white guys are like, yeah, boss, that's great. But here's out, we just invented something called affirmative action just now. We're thinking it's time to get woke. It's time to get woke.

Jan was like, look, there's a change of plans. We're sending these five koala bears with dull pencils. Okay. At least that way fewer people would have got killed, man, honestly. Okay. So there's a lot of disagreement about why Mead made that decision. There are three main schools of thought. The first is that Mead is just a racist

and didn't wanna trust such an important mission to black soldiers. So it's important, now it's important, 15 minutes ago, we were like, a wheelbarrow, no, I don't wanna waste a wheelbarrow. And now these guys spliced together a bunch of sweet M80s into the neighbor's trash can, it looks like something amazing is going to happen. Now this is important.

Well, that's, yeah, like I said, only one theory, a hard one to believe. So the second is that me didn't want to trust such an important mission to soldiers that had never actually been in battle. And the third and the one that me tried to sell himself later was that he was worried that if this attack went bad, they would accuse the north of using black soldiers as cannon fodder, which would be a huge propaganda victory for the South. Losing the battle because you're unprepared is also great propaganda for the South. Yeah, actually, as it turns out, I think losing a battle to the enemy is generally good for

the enemy. Yeah, that's not how propaganda works. People in the South be like, oh, black guys is cannon fodder, respect. That makes sense. That's how we train the police department. I know. Oh, God. Check out Ferguson, Missouri.

So. Great. A lot of visual humor for the podcast. Thank you, Eli. So regardless of the reason Burnside pulls this highly trained division and instead of handing the assignment to his next best guy, he literally draws names from a fucking hat to see who gets to lead this the first wave of the attack. They wouldn't send hats. It had to be a skull. Right. So the navy pulls out of this skull was Brigadier General James Leslie. And how the fuck that guy even still had his job as a mystery. He was a known alcoholic and coward.

He was profoundly incompetent. And he wasn't even an important person's kid. I would like to know how he was a known coward. Right? He had a business card. he was a known coward. Right? He had a business card, huh, known coward. We don't need business cards. We have a support group. We meet in the comments section on YouTube, actually.

Oh, sorry. Where we do it. All right. So just in case this wasn't already going to go bad enough, apparently Burnside didn't give clear orders to Leslie or his men as to what the hell they were supposed to be doing. I think he was just harumpy at this point. He's my fucking soldiers. So in the time came, they basically just knew they were supposed to go like forward. So as prepared as Hillary Clinton's campaign manager, that's exactly exactly. Yeah, this didn't mean you're not a get-manager.

Yeah, you got to keep in mind how many electoral deaths are going to happen on each side. Right, right, exactly. It's tricky system. All right, fuck that. So the day of the battle comes, the plan was to detonate the explosion between 3.30 and 3.45 AM,

but because of their licorice rope of views, that didn't happen. In fact, nothing at all happened when they lit the fuse And then they spent an hour and 15 minutes arguing about which unlucky bastard had to crawl down into that tunnel and see why the eight thousand pounds of gunpowder hadn't blown up yet Like some kid has to run over kick a real fast and run away All right, so eventually they managed to get the few sorted out and the charges erupted at 444 AM. The gunpowder was only about 20 feet below the Confederate defenses in its

tamps so that all the force goes up. The explosion kills 278 Confederate soldiers immediately and left a crater 170 feet long, 100 feet wide and 30 feet deep, which is still visible today. We actually have a member of the audience who's been there. Where's he at? Yeah, right over here. Yeah. Are we cheering for that? Yeah, a giant useless hole in the ground.

It's still the largest infrastructure project in the South. No, it is. It is. Right. Unless you count the TVA. So at this point, the battle plan would have the troops in in Leslie's division charging forward quickly to secure their advantage but they really didn't know what to do right so all reports are that they kind of milled around for about

10 minutes looking at all the cool exploding shit and then they eventually ambled their way forward now once they actually started to advance they were further slowed down by the fact that there were supposed to be bridges over their own trenches. They hadn't been placed there. They were probably back at home with the fucking wheel barrels. So each soldier had to scramble down the fucking trench and climb back on the other side before they could advance. Actually, actually, actually, just swinging across the first trench on a vine and then he's

alligator heads to jump across. That's a stepping stone. He's a nice one. Is that pitfall? You talking about pitfall, man. And respect for the fucking people. I'll be like, God, I'll regret it. Tell me, yeah, man.

Oh, yeah. Actually, I was talking about Trump's wall. That's what I was saying. Alligator heads. At the bridge between shows, we're going to be like, OK, guys, this audience loves pitfall and nuclear armaments. And civilians. And civilians, yeah.

Yeah. All right. All right, check out. So after coffee and a cigarette, the first division makes it over to the big crater, but they still don't know what they're supposed to fucking do when they get there. Now, of course, they could ask their brigadier general, but to do that, they'd have to go back behind their own lines to the medical facility he was hiding in and getting drunk. They also could ask their boss or their boss's boss but apparently the two of them even from before the battle started were just spending all their time sending increasingly irate messages to each other about whose fault this was.

That had to be something to see right. That had to be something to see, right? Or you can tell Burnside, it's not my fault. The bridges weren't there when they were supposed to be. Okay, okay, this is Hansonine. Sir, General Mead, he says it's not my fault. This is so dumb. He's right there. You can hear it.

You can tell me that if he had let me use my black guys, this would all be great. I'm not telling him anything. We're all the same tent. We're right here. We don't have time for this. It's something's about to happen. Well, you can tell Burnside it would have let him use his black tubes, but I just extracted it. Look at his dumb face. I quit the Civil War. That would have been great if we could doodly do out of the Civil War. Yeah. Right? Why didn't they think of that?

Alright, so these soldiers get over there. They think to themselves, well, you know, we went to a lot of trouble to make this great big fucking hole, be ashamed not to use it. So they climb into the fucking crater and wait for somebody to show up and shoot them. Some cost fallacy. Well done. Well done. All right. Thank you. That's an amazing job. That's an amazing fucking awesome. All right. So yeah, I guess they thought that this was like a super trench or something, but to be fair to them, they had no idea what the fuck they were supposed to be doing.

Now admittedly, they don't know what they're supposed to be doing, but that's like the tactical club in the scene, a gun barrel and saying yourself, well, godly, what's down there? It is. It is, though. Of course, by now, the Confederate armies managed to rush in some reinforcements, so they form a semi-circle around the crater and just start raining death upon these hapless soldiers. The Brigadier General Commanding the Confederate Army

would later refer to it as a turkey shoot because southerners are fucked up in all of their euphemisms betrayed that. So the Civil War wasn't right exactly. Now at this point, Burnside should have halted the attack, right? His first wave didn't secure the trenches, so there was no reason to send in the soldiers meant to take Petersburg, but apparently he was still busy sending like, I know you are

but what am I telegrams to me? So the other divisions, including the black division that was originally supposed to be in the first wave, go marching in. And of course, when they see all their guys in the big hole they naturally assume that that's where they're supposed to go so they join in the getting killed. Sir, sir, sir, we don't have any rain worse than to be. These lines in these, I need a terrible uniform. Yeah, this whole problem literally could have been solved by one hapless dad just shouting,

okay, if all your friends jumped off a trench would you? Sure answer. Yes. Yeah, they. So ultimately, this would be one of the most lopsided losses that the union would suffer in the war. Their casualties top nearly 4,000, while they inflicted fewer than 1,500 on the bad guys. 504 union soldiers were killed compared to 361 Confederate soldiers, but you have to remember

that the union started off with a 278 to nothing lead in this. Yeah, this would be like if we had voted a couple million American soldiers to Hiroshima, just to walk around the city and protect it, right, to Mill about. And then the Air Force was like, cool like cool a mushroomy thing let's fly into it. Okay what I think we've learned is that fighting a war from inside your own grave is not that's not ideal we should know he live and learn I mean I not you you're dead but you know we'll write and learn maybe fine. Alright so of the four divisions that took part in the battle the black division was the hardest hit, even though they were the last ones to arrive. Uh, yeah, well, oh,

no, it's going to be, it's bad, right? Because once the union army gave up and withdrew, their soldiers that were still behind enemy lines had no choice, but to surrender and the black soldiers were systematically killed when they did that. And a fucking God damn course, the Wikipedia article points out that also some black soldiers killed white soldiers that tried to surrender to. Today, I learned Glenn Beck is a Wikipedia editor. Just kidding. Glenn doesn't have the credentials to edit Wikipedia. Right, right. Yeah. All right. So now in the immediate aftermath of the battle, Burnside would be blamed for the loss along with Leslie who did him the favor of resigning his commission before they could kick him out, meet escape blame for a while.

But after the war, they had a second inquest that ultimately found that his decision to swap out train soldiers for untrained ones at the last possible minute was very fucking stupid. They probably also pointed out that he could have at least given the poor mother fuckers a few shovels too. All right. Wow. So if you had to summarize what you've learned today in one sentence, what would it be?

The South was apparently even dumber than that. Ultimately. Yes. apparently even dumber than that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Way more ready than the fuckers in this story were sure. All right, Noah, before I read this essay, what did I think the Battle of the Crater was going to be about? Is it a, Raid Comfort pronouncing the Battle of the Creator? B, what really happened during the moon landing, Seasol. Fuckin' Callie.

Or C, the time that women refused to sell Tom and Halette a pallet of whiskey at the liquor store. Oh, because she was crazy. She created. Crater, I get it. Okay. Oh. Alright, I'm gonna go Eli's secret answer D, you didn't think about it at all and

stumbled blindly into it. By the way, that is my answer to questions like this in perpetuity. All right, Noah, clearly being in charge of major military operations and being an inveterate drunk does not disqualify you for military service. What does, however, disqualify you for military service? That's literally... Will you fucking stop, take... Was that German Shepherd's pie, guys?

Yes, yes. Oh, no, okay. One behind. One behind German Shepherd's pie guys? Yes, yes. Oh no, okay. One behind German Shepherd's pie. There we go. It's a good thing we don't do predictable jokes on this. Wow, we'd be fucked. For the podcast listeners at home, someone just ruined the joke by saying bone spurs.

Just say bone spurs, we'll cut them out. I'm waiting for my time to... A, bone spurs. Yes! Nailed it! Such a good joke. And that's the only one you had to. At least when he did it to you, it was only one-fourth of your joky luck.

I'm gonna go with secret answer B, melanin. Oh. Hey, don't boom me. Wow. All right. Noah, what did we learn today is the biggest difference between the North and the South. A, racism, crash, no, no. You didn't get my jokes.

You're not on it. Shh. B, really, A, A, the mind shaft gap. Dr. Strange love fans, thank you. Be the mine comps gap. Yeah. It's a pretty big gap between the North and the South or see the tooth gap. It's pretty big. This is a hard to answer. Alright, yeah, it is. But as the guy that came from Georgia and the guy with the largest tooth cap,

I'm gonna go with C. Thank you for that one, he's on the last part of that teeth right now. Alright, no, one more question, buddy. One more question. One more question. Alright, I got this. What was the documentary about this called? A. In Glorious Blasterds. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Soil plant and bombs. Alright, I fear that you went through them way too quick and people might not have caught all the layers of brilliance in sea enemy mine. So I'm gonna go with that and reiterate that one.

Sure. Well done. The winner is Noah. Oh, I think we all won this time. Alright, well I'll tell you what. The winner is Noah. Oh, I think we all want this time. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, that means I get to pick who's going to be next week's SAS or next show's SAS to spin on when you're listening to this. I'm going to go with Tom.

Yeah. Okay, a little notice would have been good. I didn't read ahead. That's all right. You've got like almost half an hour before the next show. You're good. All right. Well, first diesel, Noah, maybe Tom and Eli, I'm he thank you for hanging out with us tonight. We'll be back at 9.30 for the late show. Yeah. Stick around and by then we're really hoping Tom will be an expert on something else Take talk buddy

Take talk Is it weird if I start writing now I'm gonna start writing now Yeah, pick up your cues My dreams are finally coming true Well done Tom just came Eli is so fucking jealous right now. Eli is just eating right now. All right, well between now and then you can hear Tom and Cecil on Cognitive. Distance and you can hear Eli.

Yes. Let them cheer. Let them cheer. Okay. You can also hear Eli knowing myself on God awful movies. The Skating Agency on the Skatecran. Okay, you can also hear Eli knowing myself on God awful movies the skating 80s and the scat Arsus bigger arsus bigger That's what she said

Although I gotta say it's kind of weird if you listen to podcasts during the break between Podcasts shows So you know drink m, Fox some other nerds. Yeah. Concentually, Fox some other nerds, consensually. Concentually. You get a Sibian, and you get a Sibian. Yes.

Yes. Or, Fox a Sibian. Forget the nerds. The Sibian is probably better. Yeah. Definitely. Actually, the nerds get a last, it'll last longer. All right, well in the meantime, yes, enjoy New York and then come back and have a drink with us after the late show.

We're going to be at the pit bar and they said they'll be open late with us. It's going to be fun. Excellent. And if you're listening this later and you didn't come to the show give us the money you owe us at patreon.com slash