Citation Needed - The Boy Convicted of Conspiring to Murder Himself [True Crime Special]

Episode Date: April 24, 2019

When a 14-year-old British boy was savagely stabbed, no one could have imagined the bizarre chat-room fantasy world that lay behind the attack. A story of a near-fatal Internet attraction. https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2005/02/bachrach200502 --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

So the dragon was tearing in a costume the whole time. Yeah, it was amazing. Way to say no, oh, that is not what happened in Game of Thrones. Yeah, I didn't watch the show when I know that camp. Yeah, no, I know. I know. I didn't want to do any spoilers though. Good thinking. Good thinking. Mm-hmm. Hey, guys, okay, what did you do? Nothing. I actually was thinking maybe this... Come on. Come on. just release the balloons full of pee

or whatever you did this week. Just go ahead and just do them. Am I involved this time? Sometimes I'm involved in the thing you do. Guys, guys, I didn't plan any shenanigans this week. You didn't? Really? No, you know, this week's essay got me thinking,

like we play these exaggerated caricatures of ourselves on the show, but maybe, this week's essay got me thinking, like we play these exaggerated caricatures of ourselves on the show, but maybe for this week we could just, I don't know, maybe we just drop all that. Drop all what? You know, the digs at each other and ourselves, the hyperboleaged, the constant negative attempts at humor. Like when you get right down to it,

this week's story is about a lonely vulnerable person on the internet. And I don't know, I just feel like putting on masks of our own feels like part of the problem. I mean, you guys are all so smart. We bring so much education and empathy to the table. And instead we're just going to limit ourselves to mean-spirited jibes at the subject. What's happening? I'm not saying it's as bad as some of the things on the internet, but maybe this week we just- Which we can flip. Demonstrate our humanity.

I mean, he, come on. Don't you wanna show the world the real you? You're not some sad, sad loser. You're an intellectual, and you have real, and interesting things to say about this week's subject. You don't need jokes. Oh. Okay, like I get, I think I get what you're saying. You know what, Eli? You're right. Interesting things to say about this week's subject you don't need jokes. Oh Okay, like I get I think I get what you're saying. You know what Eli? You're right this week Let's go ahead and we'll just do right into the people wounds

Damn it. I fucking knew it got it. Yeah, yeah, got him. No, no that that is on me. I should have seen that guy. That is on me. Oh, let's be our real self. I cannot believe I'm talking about it. He thought I was gonna say Eli. I love him. Yeah, I love him for you. He got me. Totally. Totally got me.

You have real interesting things to say. Did you guys see it? No, see it, you said it was. Yeah, it was covered. Unbelievable. So dumb. Smells. You got me. You got me. Yeah, it was covered Unbelievable, so dumb smells You got me, you got me That's a blood in the pee Hey and hello and welcome to Citation Needed.

The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Eli Bosnick and I'll be the... To this... KITJUK! But I'll need some chatbots. Those were doors opening and closing. That's from the AOL messenger. Remember those sounds everybody? No.

What's up? You're not there. First up, two guys who remember when cat fishing was something you did with your girlfriend's dad, Cecil and Noah. Is it catfish bay when you jerk off to someone's fake profile picture asking for a friend here? It's weird that you're go-to definition when you don't know a phrase. Also weird that he's always right. And also joining us tonight. Two lotites for whom this story is way too close to home, Tom and T. Okay, all right, it's not that I'm opposed to the internet, Eli, I'm just opposed

to the people on the internet. All of them. Yeah, I mean, I got catfished a few times, but still ended up in the friend zone, somehow, is a little depressing. Yeah, kind of offensive. Before we begin tonight, I want to take a moment to thank our patrons.

Without your financial accountability, we would all almost certainly be some kind of Internet weirdos. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, know what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event, we'll be talking about today. The boy convicted of conspiring to murder himself.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. For real. This is the craziest story. Ha ha ha ha. I know what it's gonna be. Do yourself a favor. Pause the podcast, get a little pen and paper. Write the craziest thing you can think of.

And then at the end of the show, go back and shame yourself for how you already lost. Ignorant you were. Now, Tom, you presented this as the frosting on your already excellent case against the internet. Are you ready to pop this horse corpse? It would be criminal now to at least try. All right. So who was the boy convicted of conspiring to murder himself? All right. Let me start by taking you guys back to the year 2003. Ninth grade. Ninth grade.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. the US had invaded Iraq and the mission was swiftly and decisively accomplished. The space shuttle Columbia provided America with an unplanned firework show. The culinary world finally acknowledged the primacy, the freedom fry, Arnold Schwarzenegger, became governor of California, the largest blackout in the United States history, plunged the northeastern US into darkness and a little thing called the internet was finally becoming both ubiquitous and affordable in homes across the developed world.

It was truly a great year. Yeah. And he graduated college with a degree in pseudo science. That's right. Political. pseudo science. All right, and a little place called Manchester, England, a young man whose real name is being withheld to protect the young and tragic, a boy whom we shall call Mark was like so many other teenagers spending a significant amount of his free time trying to meet girls

in MSN chat rooms. One of the first online spaces that allowed young people to connect anonymously and without having to have any real technological skills. Connecting through their browsers, kids, young board and horny greeted each other with a now delightfully and agronistic, hi, ASL. And once everyone had properly lied about at least one of these three questions, the game was a foot. I really am a 55 year old male, but I lied about my location.

I'm right behind you. Okay, here's a question. Did chat rooms go well for anybody, like ever? I feel as though there is no better summary of the internet than nobody had a good experience in those things, but we kept going bad. Alright, now, Mark was a tall, well-built young man. He had average grades and lived in an upper middle class area of Manchester, which having personally been to Manchester, that's like a lower middle class area of Detroit just

to give you some comparison there. He intended to attend a business college and was generally considered to be a likable if somewhat bland kid that would probably have turned out to, you know, grow up to be the kind of guy who's since a humor is generally limited to remembering and repeating movie quotes that he heard 10 years ago. All right, since being awkward around girls and real life make people feel weird, Mark took to online chat rooms to hone the skills that he would need to reduce both his social anxiety and his social skills

from the convenience and privacy of his own home. More and more, Mark spent the bulk of his spare time chatting online, looking for girls or barring that, sweaty old men who could pretend convincingly. Right, and by convincingly here, we mean get through the conversation without mentioning your penis directly. We didn't have to be that convincing. We didn't have to be that convincing. We didn't have high standards. Now, Mark soon discovered an online girl named Rachel West.

And Rachel seemed to be interested in Mark. Her online profile was totally a girl's name. And there was a slim, attractive girl's picture associated with that profile. And she lived conveniently in Manchester. So Mark and Rachel began talking more and more frequently. Swiftly, Rachel began to turn the conversation in lieu of directions and Mark was well delighted. Though Rachel declined to interact with Mark over the webcam

because, you know, creepers. Oh, she's worried about it. I mean, nowadays, when we want to protect someone's identity on a documentary, we just film them with a 2003 webcam. That's true. That's true. A Rachel introduced Mark to her 14 year old stepbrother, John through the chat.

John's young life was rather tumultuous. His birth father had once tried to abduct him and his stepfather abandoned his family when he was only seven. So, you know, kind of a little too much, a little too little baby bear moment for him. Okay, this is clearly just one guy switching out skin masks and dummy accounts, right? Wait, there's no other spoiler. He's a spoiler. Did I really spoil it for anyone?

No. No. Like Julian Assange with skin masks, yeah. So John and Mark bonded over the usual boring shit, the teenage boys bond over movies and games and girls mostly. Well, not like real girls, but like the idea of, yeah, I'm coaching any girls, but John and Mark frequently hung out over their webcams playing games and talking shit to each other. And Mark and John soon became fast friends, but Mark was really more interested in chatting

with Rachel than with her little brother, John. Hey, John, can you do that thing where you talk in a real high voice and pretend to be your sister for me? Yes, I love it. I'm sure Dan. As sometimes Mark would at Rachel's request, strip in front of his webcam, though Rachel never returned to the favor. Their online chat was frequently sexual.

Mark quickly fell in love with Rachel and declared this to her, which she totally and not at all suspiciously typed right back to him instead of saying out loud over the webcam. But don't worry, probably this all turns out okay. Yeah, no, since now he's a really nice place. Yes.

He's doing fine. He's doing fine. He's doing fine. Doing great. So over the next several weeks, Mark, John and Rachel hung out online and chatting during all of their free time. Mark was really kind of pressuring Rachel to meet in real life, but Rachel, despite being totally infatuated with Mark, was also totally too fucking busy for that. John, however, had some spare time.

So he and Mark took their friendship offline and into the real world. Hey John you want to get together in person and type stuff? Hey I bet if you stripped in person I could really tell my sister the dimensions of your dick like dappin stuff probably a watch on camera. Let's stick with conceptual penis. It's going great. Let's stick with conceptual penis. It's going great. Now, in April of 2003, Kevin McGregor took to the online chat room that John Rachel and Mark were hanging out in. Kevin wrote all of his posts exclusively in a pink font and he boasted of being a homosexual and tried to shock kids on the internet by being sexually crew. So I was pretty much beta

testing YouTube's comment section at a time ahead of a game. Kevin claimed he was a stalker with a foot fetish. So real catch for the ladies. He's flipping through his huge collection of feet to find the quietest one so he can stalk better. And that Kevin's name

Milo,annoppel. So John soon became worried that he was one of the people being stalked by Kevin. And Mark was a first dubious, but he became worried when Kevin's taunts began to include personal details of him and his friends' lives that should have been unknowable to anyone outside of the group. Kevin threatened to kidnap and rape Rachel if Mark didn't turn on his webcam, show Kevin his feet and then jerk off on camera. Oh, you guys might think you know where this story is going right now,

but trust me, I don't think that you do. Yeah, the room full of post-Russia tampering cynics have no idea where this is going. Yeah. I mean, I honestly don't know how to feel about the fact that you think I think I know where this is going. Yeah. I mean, I honestly don't know how to feel about the fact that you think I think I know where this is going. I know the next step in this scam. I don't know the next step in this scam.

It's a fun. Well, if you would read my blog, I think I know it's recent May fucks a pig at the end, right? Classic story. I know. So Mark, in an act of love and protection the end, right? Classic story. I know. Mark, in an act of love and protection for Rachel, turned on his webcam and it gave it a

wink and Rachel was safe from Kevin, the psycho-rapeist homosexual foot fetish cyber stalker. And that was great because this totally made Rachel way more hot for Mark. So that's fun fact. That was actually the original ending to the movie The Bodyguard. They couldn't, it cost her. Didn't get the days. Costard dives in front of Whitney Houston. He just falls. She's like, no, no, no, there's, there's nobody trying to shoot me. Did you slow down in mid air? I just need you to jerk

it on the webcam. I should have been more. And then you're, it's not. In front of the webcam, actually, it's what I'm gonna need you to do. Probably. Now, Mark was pushing to finally meet Rachel, and they set a date and a time having just come on his feet to protect the life of his as yet unmet team love. It's gonna be a memorable first date. Uh, just a question.

Are you guys, if you're jerking onto your feet, what do you guys do? Are you aiming down or are you bringing the same thing that you're doing? I love to be a memorable first date. Just a question. Are you guys, if you're jerking onto your feet, what do you guys do? Are you aiming down? Or are you bringing the feet in close and going up and sideways at it? Like, what's, how are you doing?

I just just wanted it. This is a lonely moment for you right now, Heath. This is a lonely. Poof. It's on my dick. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Do you mean like you're two, you're two feet? I should just, I should just say yes. No, I should just say yes to see what kind of injury is he wanting. I'm hurting myself right now trying to like

go and close to it, you're just damn it. How would you even do that? Hold on, let me take my jeans off. So you would just, I feel like I would just come in my hand and then wipe it on my feet to get back to the original position. I'm sorry. Sorry.

How would you, like, listener, how would you do it? That's just like the easiest. I'm just saying. What would you do, listener? Take our poll at the end of the show. No, we don't, we, no, we're gonna get emails we don't want now. Tweeter, you, you jerk and naff on your feet. Wait, wait, wait.

Like normal, you go into the sock and then you just put the sock on. Yeah, absolutely. There you go. Never mind. Never mind. We're good. I'm glad we talked through that. That was a very important moment for me. Sorry to interrupt.

Go ahead, please. Tom, you were saying about Mark arrived at the rendezvous point and waited, but Rachel didn't show. So just to be like totally safe, Mark stuck around and waited several hours. I want to miss her before heading back home to Staird's computer, but found that Rachel So just to be like totally safe, Mark stuck around, he waited several hours. I want to miss her before heading back home to stare at his computer, but found that Rachel was nowhere to be found. All right, well, there's an old man at the bar eating pigs, feet, and mayo just staring at me. That's weird.

That's probably unrelated. I'm gonna go shout out Rachel and I. I'm gonna go shout out to you. I'm not that official. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. All right, Kevin McGregorhead, however, reached out at this point to Mark. He sent Mark an email saying, thanks so much for the cool webcam foot job, but also he totally changed his mind and he kidnapped a killed Rachel anyway. What? He described the rape and murder of Rachel in gross detail, just like murderers so often

doing writing. Kevin taunted Mark by saying, you weren't there for her no matter how much she screamed for you. To which Mark and I love this so much, ever the word Smith replied, could I be? I don't even know where she was. Yes. Away from keyboard. That's all I knew. Well, for say any of your internet debate hasn't come far over the years. For some reason, Mark didn't feel like he should mention the murder and rape to anyone, including the police or his parents. Instead, he just became depressed and withdrawn.

And John stepped into comfort mark, though. Remember that John had also lost his real life step sister now to a murderer, but you know, sometimes when you're 14 and your sister's been killed, it's just your turn to be the rock for your 16 year old online best friend who lost his never before met online girlfriend. Right. Classic. No, this is actually the original story of the Truman show. I'm not a lot of people.

All right, but teenage Dicks have memories like goldfish. So super duper sad Mark quickly started chatting with the new girl online named Lindsay East, which come on Mark. Yeah, Mark. Lindsay right. Lindsay come on Mark. Mark. Lindsay right. Lindsay to the right. Everything that happens from this point on, I don't feel bad for Mark. All right, I was

should have confused Lindsay East at all with Rachel West or maybe Amanda South by Southwest. And no, she's totally real, totally real. So whatever, Lindsey and Mark began flirting and Mark began falling now for Lindsey. So for her part, Lindsey was also spent in by Mark. And so like all teen girls do, she began hard, pressuring Mark, formed sex acts on his webcam for her. And she was absolutely also going to turn on her webcam to one of these times, but you first again

was kind of her thing then that's when things got weird. Huh, all right. Well, if things are about to get weird, I'm gonna need to practice my surprised face. So we'll take a quick break for a little ditty. We like to call apropos of nothing. From the makers of the internet comes the blade box. Whoa! Blade box! Set up your blade box in seconds with just a touch of a button and place your hand inside and... Oh Jesus!

Wow, that is painful. and place your hand inside and... Oh Jesus! Wow, that is painful. Okay, let's try it again, let's try it again. Unlike the internet, the blade box works anywhere. No drop signals, no expensive plans, just a box. Oh, okay, okay. I got it this time, I got it this time. Roll it back. The blade box

Demonstrably better than the internet Okay last time last time last time And we're back. When we last left our hero, he had recovered really quickly from his girlfriend's murder. How do things turn out for Lindsay, Tom? Oh, shockingly well. Lindsay began to trust Mark, you know, a guy she knew exclusively online through an anonymous chat room. And so she naturally confided at Mark that she was actually a junior

Secret Service agent for MI6 Oh Jesus Christ Oh, that would be squad, I heard that, that's true They do MI6 You got to learn her spurmit to kill Yeah Oh

Lazy could fast that the real reason she was in the chat room was that Mark's best friend John was actually under government protection. John was, after all, being targeted by Kevin McGregor, although John didn't know, and the government spies needed super secret anonymous civilian help to track down the murderous Kevin McGregor before Kevin killed John And John absolutely couldn't know that he was in danger because that's somehow how how that was Kevin was a bond villain Foot job A few days after meeting Lindsey Mark got an email from Lindsey that was, and I am totally not making this up post dated, to be sent to Mark if she was killed. Lindsey Jr.

That's amazing. Lindsey, junior MI6 spy had failed in her mission. Please now have to mark to protect John. Oh, I'm really nervous. If you tell the cops, the poison from the top of this letter will activate and this message will biodegrade. This message will biodegrade. I've got to stay below 50 miles an hour for the next amount of time.

Now I have a lot of favorite parts to this story, but I think this next part is my super favoritest because a few months later, Rachel, Rachel, who, if you'll recall, was previously raped and murdered. She reappeared in the chat room. And the first mark was thrilled that Rachel was alive, but he was also like really confused about the story because Rachel claimed that she actually hadn't been murdered, but instead she was held captive while in a coma. And she gave birth to Mark's baby while in a coma. Can we all do this? I mean, I think we all have questions. Go ahead. Sorry, you'll probably explain.

This really troubled Mark quite a lot because she had only been missing for about three weeks at this point, which is I looked it up the gestation period for a chipmunk. She was pregnant with a fucking chipmunk. No, the story or is crazier than that. Mark to his credit was probably at least 50% sure he wasn't probably a chipmunk and also remember they had never met in person so he was totally convinced that that's how babies happen. Okay, I want to call this right now. Wherever this story ends, this next part coming up, this is the part that happened that

the crazy lie is covering up. Just don't know. I'm sorry, are you sure you put a condom on that webcam? I mean, yeah, right? Did he e-file that shit? I thought only the IRS could fuck you that hard electronically. Yeah, because this was pre-Zuckerburg. No, I think you're right.

And pre-assange. Now, Mark was feeling pretty mixed up, but then Rachel just disappeared again from the chat room. And now Janet Dobinson appeared. And so Mark had bigger, like way more confusing fish to fry. Janet, she typed in all caps because she was a grown up and she was to be taken seriously. Thank you. She confided in Mark as well, saying that she was also a member of MI6 and she was looking to recruit a new team. She's fucking crying. Janet was undercover as a real estate agent. She ranked third in the whole of MI6 and she took boo, bronze. I love this part. She took great pains to make

it clear to Mark that although she was in her 40s and married, she was still totally fit and down the fuck. This is dobbinson. Are you trying to seduce me? That's familiar. What is? Never mind. I'll be a murder spy. It doesn't matter. I mean, I'm murder spy. Sorry. I was just typing a ways on the other side chatting with Mark weaving, weaving, I'm weaving this together. Now, let's get you out of those socks. Mark, for his part, he was a little skeptical, haven't been burned online before, but Janet convinced Mark that he was being tested to be a secret agent and that he would be well compensated for his work, promising if he performed well, he would be a millionaire by next May.

He would also get a chance to meet the queen and the prime minister and maybe even bang Janet Dovon's in if he played his cards right. So now that all made sense, Mark skepticism and world weary cynicism faded and he accepted the online job offer to be a secret service agent. ZipperCreader.com. Maybe check it out. 24 hours. You find a secret agent here.

He's sitting down with the HR person. Okay, this is your super secret service hiring contract. If you turn to page two, you'll see our friends with benefits package right here. I mean, you know, we joke, but if you found out that this is how Trump hired his new secret service director, like you wouldn't even give it a slow. All right, but you know, like, less less you guys think that the job interview for Spy is just going to be some group interview and a chat with the CEO for 15 minutes. No.

Mark had approved. He had the right stuff by completing a secret mission, which once accomplished, would earn him his secret agent code number, his license to kill. Like, no, said. His point. Oh, seven. And it would afford him his trip to London where he would complete his spy training. But again, only after he already did some spy stuff and a spy trial run kind of thing. And he was going to call it right now.

It's it's jerking off into a webcam again, isn't it? Just getting your feet wet, buddy. Just getting your feet wet. Okay, Mark, so you'll need to get a pulley and some rope and a rubber mask for the trial. Cool, like mission impossible? No. Pretty much nothing like that. Tom Cruise would be into it, but it's pretty much otherwise. No, no.

Mark was asked to act as secret bodyguard for another teenager named James, who was also spy though James wasn't allowed to know that he was being guarded. And Janet Dobinson had to get clearance from the prime minister to tell this part of the story to Mark. But once you had that clearance to type, Britain's super secrets into an MSN chat room to an anonymous just higher teenage spy. Janet then revealed that there was a safe with jewels worth billions of pounds that lay at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Oh, yeah.

Obviously. And that, okay, we're laughing. Maybe that seems silly to some of us, but it seems like the plot of a DC movie. The amount, by the way, was 1868 billion pounds worth of pounds. Oh, sure. Sure. Of course. Yeah.

So much. It's some nice. It's just diamond. It's just one Yeah. That's so much. It's nice. It's just diamond. It's just warm beasts. It's just Bill Gates sitting in a safe with his check. That's how he's Bill Gates' checkbook and his friend Jeff Bezos.

Now, according to Janet Dobbets, several countries were aware of the safe, full of, I guess, unobtainium jewels or whatever, but only the Queen of England has the combination. Oh, it's a combination. Absolutely. Should we pick it up and break the safe open? We don't want to do that. It's a combination of safe with the lady with dementia. That's for sure.

Well, not that far off because since secrets are annoying to keep to yourself forever, the queen, I guess, told James the combination to the safe. So James now became something of a hot commodity and he had to be protected. Jesus Christ. Later on in his life, when Mark relates his story to people he starts with this one time at Bond Camp. Okay, just, sorry, real quick to any of the listeners that are like, oh, I am, but that's Mark, he's been, no, no, no, at this point, Mark is on MSN messenger with the queen

of England. It's okay when these things happen, people. It's okay when these things happen. It. It's okay when these things happen. It really is. All right, you can join Noah's side. So James has turned out also happy to be Mark's best friend, John. The fuck out of here. Somewhat.

It's not clear at all. Well, this made guarding John James easier since they pretty much like just had to hang out all the time. And I guess Mark might have to maybe fight a Russian or something if they try to steal James John or whatever he's calling himself John was thrilled to hang out more after school probably because it was scary to carry the heavy burden of that awesome safe combination all by his loans. Right. Yeah. And nobody's just going to like take the box of diamonds from the bottom

of the ocean if they don't know the combination first because that was a waste of time. Now Mark reported faithfully to Janet Dobinson and Janet proved that she was watching Mark at all times through a network of other spies by revealing back to Mark details of his interactions with John that only Mark and John could know if they weren't being spied upon. Mark got another assignment from Janet Dobinson. His next assignment was to get John out of school without John getting in trouble. And so Mark pretended that he had been sent to get John to take him for a dentist appointment, which actually worked for the school, but not so much for John's

parents, who, upon finding their son, Truent, read his laptop to try to find their kid. And after finding him, John's mom and Mark's mom compared laptops and notes and they both discovered that the boys had been talking with Janet Dobinson and both boys at this point were warned to be careful about who they interacted with online. Oh, geez. A warning that will seem almost painfully precious when this story is. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You could finish this one spy mission, but that's it. That's it. Now on.

No more doing that. So, Janet gave Mark yet another assignment. So, this was really like a shitty, rough interview process. And Mark's assignment, which was a matter of urgent national security in which, if Mark did not complete, it could cost Janet her job as the third-ranking member of the security service spy network m i six his mission was to make john cn gay by performing a sex act on the she says does john not cn gay already i feel like he's seen it's not what that uh... So Mark eager to protect God country queen and the 401k of sexy Realtors by Janet Dawkins

slept over at Johns house, watched little porn with him, and then blue just oh, so the world was again safe for the show's up at's house like, all right, so. Yeah, sit down for this. It's funny story. I need to blow you or else the terrorists win. Oh, you're, you're dick story out. Okay, that, that was, that conversation was way easier than I thought it would be.

So Mark, pass that test. I'm gonna set to receive it. And I was now set to receive his gun, half a million pounds in cash and his license to kill citizen states. We just call that standing your ground. Yeah. You're just bored with one of those here. Called B White.

No, so the sign is secret agent number, which was 4, 7, 6, 9, 5. And he was pretty excited now to be a spy. That's true. We got it. The number 47,000 spies. I think that's what they fit sequential. I mean, you can put a double low in front of it. It's the same number. It's it is. But he was not thrilled to learn that his first official mission, as opposed to the unofficial ones he completed previously, blue that guy, was to assassinate his best friend, John.

Yeah, I told you to blow him away away. Now, Mark was like really conflicted on this one, particularly since his previous two missions seemed aimed at hanging out with an occasionally blowing John. So, but Janet was insistent that this had to happen. He would be paid $80 million and would get sexual favors after the assassination, possibly from Janet Robinson, wink wink, no really. This is how spying works. Jesus Christ.

Alright, so you're gonna go to the park and we're gonna face opposite directions on park benches and we're gonna pretend to read the paper and I will give you an awkward no-look hand job. That will be. And we little switch briefcases for George. A German remark that John had an inoperable brain to him. And so he was going to die terribly. So really wasn't murder if Mark killed him. That is murder.

Just killing out there. By the way, listeners, that doesn't mean you can kill the terminally at all. Just believe me. I got fired from Make a Wish. By the way, listeners that doesn't mean you can kill the terminally, it'll just believe me. I got fired from Make a Wish. What you are, for all of you, yes. After Janet mentioned this fact, John, just apropos of nothing later that day, told Mark that he went to the doctor and had a terrible brain tumor.

So this was now all on the up and up. Janet insisted that Mark was to stab John and say the words, trust me to John as he died. Okay. Now admittedly in 97, this should have raised some eyebrows, but this is exactly how you apply for supervisory positions with Amazon. But they got a sushi guy. Mark began preparing to kill his best friend. Janet told Mark to take John some more quiet. And then just before John drew his final breath, Mark was also to tell John that he loved him.

Mark was also ordered to stay put after he stabbed John and then to wait for Janet Dawkinson who would show up in disguise to make sure he wasn't arrested. Mark was told not to call an ambulance, which I thought would have been a pretty standard part of assassinating some of them. The mission of Bort code was 69, 69. That's amazing. That's amazing. I love the project Oral Sexes of Bort code was 69, 69.

Oh, God, I feel like we're getting punged here. I don't know. So Mark, you know, super teen spy and budding a sass and asked John, I love this to help him go knife shopping. And together they bought a six inch shelf knife. Mark was nervous. This looks good.? Yeah, does this look good? Good knife because it's more than that you're here. Can you just stand sideways really quick? I just want to hold it next to your body. I just want to see. No, this is good.

You got to have a fitting room. Just real quick. Mark was getting pretty nervous about the whole murder your best friend day that he was having and he was really listening hard for somebody to yell out 69 69 but you know just it just wasn't happened. Okay, that's one chef knife your total of taxes 69 68. Oh, that would have been the funniest never mind. You would would be anything in the take a penny jar note To the woods we go

All right, so once they got somewhere quiet, but where 69 69 could still be heard if a nearby secret agent were to yell it out still be heard if a nearby secret agent were to yell it out. So real. Mark pulled out the knife that he and John had just bought together and Mark explained to John that he had to kill him. He said, I love you, bro. And stabbed his buddy in the chest. John yelled out and fell crying. You've killed me. Um, always technically a false statement if somebody says that. It is. To which Mark replied, uh, don't say that. Don't let that be the last thing you're saying. And then Mark then picked a John all the way up and said, trust me and then stabbed him again in the app. Sorry. Am I sick said you would know what I remember that trust me. Is that help? Rosebud? No. It sounded better in my head.

Stupid. Nobody puts John in the corner. No, no, you got roll back, roll back. I may actually put you in a corner. I'm sure. A coroner. Oh, no. So Mark then sat down and waited for Jan.

The dead people go to a coroner. So my dick. So Mark then sat down a way to the top and dead people go to a corner. So my dick. So mark them set down a way to for Janet Dobbins into arrive as his best friend, John lay in a pool of his own blood. Just like talking to people as they walk by him. It's cool that it's cool. I'm with MI6 Junior.

This is embarrassing. It's not it seems that'm with MI6 Junior. This is embarrassing. It's not, it seems vet. No, my boss is just late. I'd uh, I limit all it's minutes. I blew the dead guy so he'd seem gay. The queen of England. To die in the ocean. Moona on. Moona on. You've never seen a guy a blue dead guy so it seemed gay to the queen. In the ocean Weirdos you guys are weird my girlfriend just died. It's been a hell of a She's back from the dead

My toes are all stuck together. I sprained my leg trying to bring it all in close. I just went into the sock and put it on like he said earlier. Heath is part of this university or being weird. The shockingly Janet didn't arrive. So after a while, Mark called 999 and lied to the police that has fronted a bit attacked by a random stranger. The police reviewed the camera footage because England is covered in cameras and discovered pretty readily that this was complete bullshit.

And the police quickly figured out that Mark had attempted to murder John. Well, damn it. Now Janet will have to disavow any knowledge of his group's activities. John underwent emergency surgery to repair his liver and the stab wounds and he actually survived. And he initially declined to tell police that Mark was the one that stabbed him, but after the police showed him the security camera footage, John was like, yeah, I was totally aware of that. Oh, John was like, yeah, I was totally, oh yeah, I was stabbed.

Mark also cracked onto the police pressure, though he didn't flip on Janet Dobinson right away, claiming instead that he heard voices that made him do it. And all the while, he was confident that any moment now, Janet was going to show up and he would be released. Just talking to people in jail, like, I know this says it's as a crazier story. No, I blew the dead guy so he'd seen the game

Because of the diamond vault with a bike lock on the bottom of the ocean It's it's the old story. I'm not gonna So you just take the sock. I'm telling you, so I love this a month into being detained. A month, Mark figured out Janet might not be coming after all. So he confessed everything to the police. The police said about trying to figure out the identity of Janet Dobinson, the woman who had manipulated the gullible mark into stabbing his best friend. Whoever could she be, Tom? All right, reveal the mystery for us, Tom.

So, analyst Sally Hogg began analyzing the mountains of chat room activity and discovered that the cast of characters involved in the deception of Mark that led him to believe that he was a government assassin. We're all one person. No. She discovered this because five of the six chat room users always misspelled the word maybe the same way. It's me. Janet Dobinson, Kevin McGregor, Lindsey East, Rachel West. They were all characters controlled by one chatroom user and all of them pointed to both Mark and John. So John's mother allowed the police access to John's computer.

They discovered that the call was coming from inside the house. Also the call was coming from John, the stabbing victim who convinced Mark to do the stabbing of him. What's Jesus? Guys, I got this dude to come on his feet and also blow me. I swear to God for national security. How do I top this? I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. The nation, John's life had actually been very, very bleak. Really? Yes, shocking, right? He was actually addicted to online chat. He had stopped eating. He was bullied in school. He was moody, swollen.

He was withdrawn. The only time he ever seemed happy was when he was online. He took up the Rachel Persona and he finally felt connected to someone. He felt loved though that love was between Mark and Rachel, which was obviously problematic. So then he invented Kevin to kill Rachel. Well, I feel really bad. Oh, no, I don't feel bad for you.

I'm sorry, you're in. John had fallen in love with Mark and in real life had completely retreated from everyone else in the real world. John lived to interact with Mark, inventing a growing and ever complex cast of characters to always keep Mark on the hook. It all seems utterly mad, but John's ability to create characters is so adept that he fooled police investigators until they caught on to the misspelling problem. Oh, how could they ever crack the code of someone using a different color font or capital

letters? I mean, he's basically a fucking wind talker. Yes. Is this story is the best summary of police and competence on the internet? I don't know what is. No, because the Mark one's blue, you see. So John created the Janet Dobbins in character

as his suicide method. He wanted Mark to tell him that he loved him. And he wanted that to be the last thing that he heard. Mark was arrested for attempted murder and John was the first person in British history to be indicted for incitement to murder himself. I feel like it would have been a Scottish guy at some point who would have taken that record. Mark for his part was flabbergasted to discover that Janet Rachel Lindsey and Kevin were all

actually his 14 year old friend who totally turns out did not have a brain tumor at all. Huh. I know. Both boys pled guilty to their crimes. The justice, believe Mark, thought that he really was a spy and she also believed that John was really just a sad, lonely kid who needed a lot of help. And although the charges would normally warrant long prison sentences, John was instead banned from online internet access outside strict supervision and got three years of non-castodial

supervision. Mark was given two years of non-castodial supervision and was also banned from chat rooms for life, which turns out to be the same as a two year bad functionally speaking. In 2003, the same year that all this madness happened, MSN announced that they were shutting down their chat rooms as they didn't feel that they could be made safe from predators. So it's kind of nice of these crazy kids snuck this one right under the gun. That's almost didn't happen for him. This story has since been made into a theater production called, I love you, bro. In an opera titled, two boys.

Oh, they should have gone lob bro M. Now, John and Mark are fake names, though no news exists on the fate of Mark. John is reportedly happily living with his partner and pet pug and always searching for a new desk. And if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, what would it be? The internet made me sad before I even used it. Give a man a catfish. She'll come for a day.

Are you ready for the quiz? I have my license to ill. Bill. Dan. Misspelled it. Now I'm caught. All right, Tom. What do they serve at the dinner theater where they perform?

I love you, bro. A. Mach Cherry Pie. B. Fita Ch pie. B. Fita Cheney. Fantastic. C. Falea catfish and Fappy out. I was pretty proud of that. Fappy out's pretty funny. That's a phenomenal. That's funny. Or

that's the simmer for a second ocean fresh combination platter. Oh. Oh. Why, I gotta go D because only James John knows. The true answer. So true. Absolutely positively D. He gave him the D.

All right, I got a good one for you. All right. Which of the following Copa guidelines might best protect our young listeners from falling for a similar scam? A, only stab friends with a knife you know entrusted by a bad day. B, the hot chick you met on the internet always looks like Eli but dirtier. No, it's true. See, always ask prospective employers to write today's date above the nipple before taking the tith.

Or D, if you blowing someone is a step in the plan, the plan is how to get you to blow that person. Also, it's their plan. Oh, I want that on a pillow. Oh my God. That's the t-shirt. That is the t-shirt. They are playing. Oh, I want that on a pillow. That's the t-shirt. That's the citation. Absolutely. All right, it's D and we're not all. We didn't all learn that lesson. Naturally fine. All right. But we all learned that lesson is what we're saying. All right, Tom, which of the following should be the title of this episode?

A, pounded in the butt by my own bot. Phenomenal. B, everyone on the internet wants to slip into your BMs or C. Tom got drunk and catfished himself in 2003. Okay, that was, I was high, not drunk. So it's not C. A, I like the Chuck Tingle reference, but I'm going to have to go with, with B because I believe that's true. Sorry. It was you catfished yourself in 2009. Yeah. All right. We did. Yeah, good.

All right. This week's winner is Heath. Who do you want to do the essay? Oh, I'm thinking my best friend Cecil. Oh, best friend. Best. My best friend. My best friend.

Well, for Cecil Tom Heath and Noah, I'm Eli Bosnick, making you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, Cecil will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can hear Heath, Noah, and I on the scathing Atheist, God Awful Movies and the Skeptocrats, and you can hear Tom and Cecil over in Cognitive Disnits. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. Or leave us a five-star review, everywhere you can.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out the past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com. And remember, if blowing somebody is a step in the plan, the plan is how to get you to blow that pressure in his neck. Heath? Are you in here? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Good night. Yummy though. Totally yummy. Blood balloon.