Citation Needed - The Darien Scheme

Episode Date: August 1, 2018

The Darien scheme was an unsuccessful attempt by the Kingdom of Scotland to become a world trading nation by establishing a colony called "Caledonia" on the Isthmus of Panama on the Gulf of Darién in the late 1690s. The aim was for the colony to have an overland route that connected the Pacific and Atlantic oceans. From the beginning it has been claimed historically that the undertaking was beset by poor planning and provisioning, divided leadership, a lack of demand for trade goods particularly caused by an English trade blockade,[1] devastating epidemics of disease, collusion between the English East India Company and the English government to frustrate it,[1] as well as a failure to anticipate the Spanish Empire's military response. It was finally abandoned in March 1700 after a siege by Spanish forces, which also blockaded the harbour.[2] --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Yeah, he keeps throwing hammers at watermelons and calling it research. Okay. That is already very worrying to me. Gentleman, I suppose you are wondering while I'm here today. Why is he doing that accent though? It's the Darian scheme today. Of course he is. Yeah.

Silence. Tis about our patrons. And my count, I mean, one out of 10,000 of our listeners gives us the money we so need to run this expedition. That's not even remotely close to the real number. He knows people can see how many patrons we have, right? My hopes are today's episode will roast them to glory. And soon we'll see the same numbers the Scotland did arousing one out of five. Yeah, okay, I just two things. One, your accent sounds like Richard Dawkins doing fat bastard. Two, today's story has nothing to do with us. Yeah, right. I mean, the Darian scheme

was about an already down on their luck group. and explore a new territory they had no experience in. Even though there were already huge players in the field who actively didn't want them to succeed. Oh my god, we are the Darian scheme. Indeed, we are gentlemen. Indeed, we we are but if we get one in five patrons We'll be making twenty thousand dollars in episode How many listeners do you think we have a hundred okay? 200 Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. Podcasts are re-choosy subject, read a single article about in Wikipedia and pretend

we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Cecil and I'll be leading this doomed expedition, but I need a group of fools to sail the seas with. First up, a man who would hunt a sea turtle for sport and a man who eats like one, Tom, and Ela. Okay, that is a filthy lie and an unsubstantiated rumor, Cecil. I knew it wasn't sporting. I did it to watch it suffer.

Back's matter. Now more than ever, Sarah. And boy, did it suffer. Okay, it was my thing about the time that teen hunted me down on a beach during spring break, because I'm still very upset about that. Sarah. Sarah. And also joining us tonight, two men who the French and English are also desperately trying to sabotage Noah and he.

Yeah, but to be fair, England and France, I'm taking Eli to them in October, so I get it. Yeah. Plus, nobody likes it when you call in a debt, but I think it has to be said. England, France, remember when your countries were getting taken over by a Nazi? Well, we'll help, we'll help, ball over the fence, we'll help.

Tag in, tag in. Before we begin, I'd like to take a moment to thank our patrons. As you'll learn from today's story, the best way to fail is with other people's money. And our patrons help us do that. You'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the other show. With that of the way, tell us Noah,

what person place thing, concept, phenomenon, or event? We'll be talking about today. Well, today we'll be taking the advice of prolific patron subject, suggestor, major Dennis Bloodlock, and we're gonna talk about the Darian scheme. And Mr. Bosnick, you paid an unemployed librarian to write this for you.

Are you ready to represent it as your own? Sure, I'm Cecil. Libraries are boring terrible places for poor people. Yeah. Very true. Let's just replace him with Amazon.com. Mm. Anyway, what was the Darian scheme?

The Darian scheme was a doomed effort by the Kingdom of Scotland itself, something of a doomed effort, to become a major trading nation by establishing a colony in Panama and creating an overland route between the Atlantic and the Pacific. And the tension in the story basically comes

from England's desperate effort to kill the scheme before it could die of natural causes, much like they did to Scotland. It's a real full circle tale of how the British have treated Scotland today. Real full circle. Well luckily both those nations are whites, so we'll receive zero human. How does all this get started, Eli?

So like most of my excuses, this starts with a European famine of the late 17th century. Huh? Okay. Well, that's weird because you don't look like a guy with famine-based excuses for things. So known as the Great Famine because they were too hungry to come up with a cooler name, the catastrophe occurred from 1695 to 1697 and causes massive starvation throughout Europe. Okay. So you used this to put your transgressions in perspective, I guess. Yeah, exactly. Does anyone else look at those two dates and think, eh, based on this body, I could go two years with no problem.

Yes, Tom. I'd be saying so. It was at its worst in Estonia, Latvia and Scandinavia, but by some estimates, it was responsible for two million deaths in France and Northern Italy as well. And while it seems petty to complain about economic consequences and light of stuff like that, all these dead people elsewhere

was killing Scotland's export sector. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I mean, like, I'm trying now to think of the last thing that I ever saw that said, made in Scotland on it and like surprise, surprise, nothing jumps to mind. And I've been to Scotland. Right. They probably would have switched to cotton making, but they caught all their trees down

instead of building something. They just played catch with the drums. So the coolest stereotype Scottish sports are absurd. Like, I'm pretty sure I saw a Scottish triathlon once. It was just a guy biting a tree until it fell into a river like a feverish, and then just like kind of jogging next to it while it floated, and then he punched a rock at the end. Somebody held a scorecard.

I think it was a triathlon. So of course, Scotland had plenty of problems already. They didn't really make anything anybody wanted, Tom, call backwards. They didn't have much in the way of natural resources. And even the things they were good at, like shipbuilding, were increasingly being outsourced in a deliberate effort by England

to suppress their economy and keep them dependent on British exports. On top of that, French protectionism was cutting into the cattle trade that represented their only other major industry. I feel like the chief export list for Scotland always deliberately leaves off scots, though. I mean, not a big market then for, Iggis and bagpipes and accents that sound like someone is trying to talk or simultaneously swallow a scrotum full of broken glass and bummed deck.

Call it me shocked. Nobody wants that shit. Right. So, this ended up with what the Scots call the seven ill years. Other countries call that childhood. Right. I call that N-E-7 years, I think. That's any, any seven years in my life, ever.

Now, if we backtrack any further, you'll find that those come after some pretty ill years dating back to the Roman Empire, but the 1690s were particularly hard on Scotland for massive crop failures in a five year period, along with all the economic pressures led to severe depopulation and a desperate effort to make Scotland great again. 1690s Trump just gallops out to give a brave heart speech on a horse, no shirt on his faces all smeared in pain. 1690s Putin just shaking his head, dude, I said blue and white. Fucking blue and white.

You doing. I'm just pitching like a team of Scottish historians trying to sit on which seven years span to claim this title and one guy's just like, right. Excuse me, would it be easier to try to find seven good years? It's like a glass of a needle and a stack of needles kind of fit. So amid all of this, you start getting predictable unrest among the population who are looking across Hadrian's Wall and seeing England crushing it at the sea trade. So the Scots figure, they should just do what those guys are doing. So in 1695, Scottish Parliament created the Bank of Scotland, revamped their school system

and chartered the company of Scotland to get in on some of that oceanic commerce money. And churn it a course right through the Bermuda Triangle. Bermuda Triangle, convenient to locate it off the coast of everywhere. Scotland heads out to finance their new company and they start taking up capital in Amsterdam, Hamburg, and London. But the Brits are known to Keen on the idea since they were still operating under the long outdated economic theory of mercantilism. You hear that Donald? Long outdated economic theory of mercantilism.

So basically the English figure, Scotland can only gain if England loses. So they start putting their thumb on the scale. And when it comes to the 17th century commerce, England has a hell of a thumb. Yeah, and that thumb was huge and smelled like sheep. So anyway, when your thumb is that big, you're breaking the one finger to start rule.

That's not fair. So first, the East India company suddenly complains that Scotland has no authority from the king to raise funds outside the English realm and threatens legal action, which obligated Scotland to return all the money they raised in Hamburg. And as for the investors in London and Amsterdam, well, William and Vorins just told them to ask for their money back, so they did.

Which means that the only people left who could invest in the company were the Scots themselves. This jobs doesn't pay shit, but it does come with a nice 401k, a bunch of other scot options. So, good job. What they asked for their money back? What do they keep the receipts? Yeah, like, it's nobody wants store credit from Scotland. Yeah, right.

He's right. So failing to recognize that spite isn't the best motive for long term business strategy. Oh, strong disagree. Yeah, it's why I have a job too. I have to disagree as well. So, Scottish nobles poured money into the new company.

I mean, money came in from every level of society. And within a few weeks, the company of Scotland for trading to Africa raised 400,000 pounds sterling. Yeah, but they, uh, didn't really put much effort into the company title though, did they? Right? There's like somebody who's yelling out slave puns, just like, what about Scott Free Labor?

The boss is like, no, no, it's, that's stupid. It's fucking, Scotland's big boat of slaves from Africa. Companies, moving on. Can we name one of them Slavery McSlave slaves? Yes. How is that? We do. That one of them slavery make slave slaves. We did what they called me in college. And by the way, the money they raised is equal to about 48 million bucks in today's money. And Jesus about 20% of all the wealth in Scotland at the time. Man, that is one hell of a kick, Scotter.

time. Man. So that is one hell of a kick, Scottter. All right. That's it. Me and C. So are building the solar road from Scotland to pan. Give us some money. 20% of their nations wealth or one Jeff Bezos. Exactly. I got that converted. So now that they had a fifth of a nation's wealth at their disposal, all the CSTA needed was a wacky scheme. Oh, 20% of the nation's money was invested before the investment idea existed. Yeah, right. I'm sorry, but if that's true, Scotland deserves to be poor. This is to the present day. Yeah.

Well, this is where we meet Scottish born financier and trader, William Patterson. Patterson had long been promoting the idea for a colony on the isthmus of Panama that could be used as an overland gateway between the Atlantic and Pacific. He'd already been helping Scotland raise money and since he'd already struck out with all the major European nations, he pitched his idea to Scotland and they loved it. Hey, so I had this idea. What if you guys get killed and enslaved by England, but in much nicer way? So pretty much immediately they gave up on the planned concept of trading with Africa and

India. And instead, they focused all of their efforts and resources on this one risky plan called the Darian scheme. For the name of the Baywear Patterson wanted to start his colony. Yeah, because why go with proven? When unproven offers so many more options, like alternative medicine.

Right away, the Scottish ended up overpaying for their ships when they weren't victims of outright fraud. Okay, well what the fuck overpaying for their... I thought ships were like... The thing they made themselves. Was like when they overcharging themselves? I think they met an actual Nigerian prince when they were scouting Africa and they sent him a ship full of gold. They figured he'd send him back in Armada of like They sent him ship full of gold. They figured he'd send them back in Armada of like

Some Marines or some right now. Now Patterson falls out of the story at this point because of some Embezzlement that he may have been tangentially involved with the rest in peace Betty Bosnick But Scotland goes ahead with this plan anyway and by 1698 they're ready to send their first expedition to Panama. I feel like a history has shown us an ambassador would have been right at home in Panama. They stick to the plan like, let's stick to the plan proposed by the guy stealing from the plan. Well, it's the only plan they had. So it's worth noting here that the English opposition that started as sort of like knee jerk protectionism got way worse once Scotland decided

they were gonna colonize Panama. England was at war with France at the time and they couldn't afford to piss off Spain and bring them into the war on France's side. And since, as we learned when we went to Scotland, even people who live there can't really figure out the status of that place is sovereignty. England figured that Spain would blame any Scottish provocation on them.

Okay, so just to summarize, here is my takeaway at this point. No, I'm not at all clear what's happening right now. I'm going to need a pop-up book version of that last. No, I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. So much for you, Tom. So much. With England good and pissed and in possession of the world's largest navy, of that last. No, I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.

I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.

I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.

I don't. I don't. I don't. I don's got captain. Okay. Frequently overheard in the erotic pirate theme, sweet to hampton it. Yeah. Now, I don't want to do a whole tangent here on the whole Jacobite rebellion because someone else wrote my essay for me and they didn't write that part. But suffices to say, at this point, we're only a few years from Scotland

getting its ass handed to it by William of Orange. Thanks to a bunch of Scottish turncups. We have our own problems with orange leaders and traders. That's a no stupid thing. Boy, do it. Exactly. So once the rebellion settled down, the folks who supported England were crazy unpopular. So a lot of them volunteered for this expedition just to get the fuck out of Scotland.

To get out of Scotland I think they'd be turning people away like you're right. We can only take the first 1200 people who don't want to live here So we're gonna sell this by a Scottish dance off fire up the back And since the other people on the boats Also didn't like them they created a bit of a click that would divide the leadership of the expedition Even before they reached the Americas. Not a good start. Hey man. Why do you have a giant bag of gold that says Not a bribe on it. I feel like that And why was your son-in-law meeting with British spies all the time over the last couple of years and your lawyer did that and

You did that also last week in Finland. I feel like there's a lot of snow going on. On November 2nd of 1698, the expedition makes landfall off the course of Daryen Bay. And Chris and their new colony, Caledonia, after the name Roman Conqueror's gave to Scotland back when they had to wall it off. And this is what they said, quote, we do hear settle. And in the name of God establish ourselves and in honor

And for the memory of that most ancient and renowned name of our mother country We do and we'll from henceforward call this country by the name of Caledonia Melody is so jealous of you right now, dude It's because I can say mean things about Jews and get away with it. I'm sure that's we don't have time for this. Let's keep going. Right. Anyway, the fact that I keep talking about them arriving in Panama tells you how this whole

thing is going to work out for them. Okay. Well, with things going as well for Scotland, as they always go in the offing, we'll take a quick break for us to do some offensive accents and a little segment we'll take to call Aperpobe, nothing. Hey, Glider, How's the meeting going? Not good man. Not good.

Ah, so you couldn't close the Scotland deal? No, no, no, no, no, we got the deal. I just don't know what they want from me. What do you mean by that? I mean, I do not know what they want. I literally have no idea. Why the hell not? Because they're fucking Scottish, dude.

Best I can tell they want to caramelize a panda bear or maybe galvanize a panini and I kept saying what, but there's only so many times you can say what before you start looking like an asshole. Okay, fine, what should we do? I feel like having some caramel and a panda available might be helpful. Oh, for fuck's it, we're shipbuild builders, Clyde. I'm almost sure this is ship related. How can you know they're fucking Scottish? That is, that's true.

Do you think any Scottish listeners will take offense to the skip? Hey, hey, mark my words. When three centuries from now, mankind, events voice activated devices that can process human speech at hundreds of trillions of operations per second, even they won't be able to understand Scottish accents. So they want to send an angry email, they can send it to Alexa, Siri, Hey Google, and Science. And we're back.

When last we left our scots, they were sure to be the ones. History wasn't gonna fuck the hardest of all the white people. How'd that go? And can we parlay them with the Irish? I mean, I can do both the voices if you want. I'm a master of all. You do them at the same time. I mean, I can do both the voices if you want. I'm a master of all. You do them at the same time all the time. All the time. So they make landed Panama and immediately set about building themselves a fork, which

they called Fort St. Andrew. It was equipped with 50 cannons, protective ditch and a ramp part and an associated watch house built high on a mountain. And as nice as all of that sounded, it had no source of fresh water, and the bay it overlooked had massive tides that could wreck a ship trying to leave the harbor. So it was mostly useless, but the cannons and the ditch was nice. What's up guys? It's like, wipes his brows, like, whew, like, the ditch is done. We're safe, but

it comes up takes one long step over. Oh fuck. I just love it. It's like Scotland impressive looking, but mostly useless, something right up there. I mean, I hate to dig in so hard, but if you want to prove me wrong, Scotland, grow a fucking crop or say one sentence that Syria, Alexa can understand. There you go. So of course, even if the Bay had been better suited to trade, it wouldn't have mattered since nobody was trading with them.

I mean, Spanish authorities considered the colony a threat to the sea lanes they ship silver through, not to mention the fact that Spain actually claimed that area as part of the Spanish Empire. And British authorities considered the colony a threat to a happy Spain. So both nations forbade their ships or colonies from trading with Caledonia. And Spain and England were pretty much all the sea traffic in the area at the time. Okay. Yeah. Definitely miss the market research version of that famed Scottish NBA. We're all jealous of. Well, on alienating your train partners, that's oddly familiar. So close to the fourth

of the set, we'll start setting up the city of New Edinburgh and clearing land to plant yams and maize. But as it happens, the soil there isn't great for gams and maize or any other known edible vegetable product. That's over now. So agriculture didn't go great. That's what I'm saying. But even if it did, the business plan was sweet potatoes and edible aspeeds. I mean, okay, never mind. I mean, that's a great plan. But better marketing is what they need.

But the point is we have to watch on this trade route thing. It's this good idea. Sweet potatoes and beans. Everybody in the colony had agreed that all the letters they sent home would say everything was going hunky-dory. In fact, it's likely that the colony's leadership was dictating what everybody should write in those letters since certain optimistic phrases keep showing up in different people's letters.

It was like Catholic summer camp, you know what I'm saying? Lots of child rape. I don't get the analogy. Okay, well this is a story of Central American colonialism. So let's just wait and know, because we're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there.

We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there.

We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. you can always look brown. But the natives had already been fucked by one group of white people offering up useless combs and trinkets for food. And they weren't drawing much of a distinction

between the scots and the Spaniards to the North. And just as scots realized they couldn't grow or buy food, summer hits. And the malaria starts settling in and settling in hard. And it's worse, the colony was losing 10 people a day to the disease. Yeah, history doesn't have a lot of minor malaria outrage. There's just one Scottish lady cook not washing her hands and giving everyone malaria. Hey, what are you doing over there? Cook lady, that's, that's weird. No, I was just reorganizing my collection of shit and mosquitoes, yeah.

You know what? That's the answer. That's the answer. That's the answer. I, for one, am just glad we learned the Panama-Malaria lesson before we built that canal. So, right. Exactly, yes.

Exactly. So, at this point, a couple of factors exacerbate the food problem. First of all, the leaders and the sailors that had formed that click on the way over were mostly staying on the boats and they were intercepting what little trade local tribes were bringing.

Secondly, the rations they brought with them were improperly stored and nobody was accounting for how bad the bug problem was gonna be in the tropics. So even the emergency stores were rotting and becoming infested fast. Soon, the settlers were getting most of their food by hunting giant sea turtles. But that takes a lot of work and is especially hard if you're starving and have malaria.

There's just one optimistic Scott trying to domesticate the sea turtles, but they keep crawling out of the sheep pen, you know? Well, the other scots are trying to fuck them. Well, yeah. Well, they're in a sheep pen. you know? Well, other scots are trying to fuck them. So, yeah. Well, they're in a sheep pen. What did you want me to do? What does it make a nice slow fuck? Of course, the Spanish thank you, Tom.

The Spanish, Dutch and British were cruel, but there was a limit. So while they refused to allow their colonies to trade foods with the scots, they did let them trade alcohol. So that was the only thing they had in abundance. We got one! Exactly.

Which definitely also fucked up if you otherwise well-fated giant turtle hunts. So, okay, that needs to become a game show. Just a bunch of like wasted people trying to hunt giant turtles that are just slightly faster than them after all the whiskey. Like a Benny Hill chase on K ketamine. I would watch that.

That'd be awesome. That's so lovely. Brandy library. Come here, turtle. So according to the wiki, the alcohol quote, sped up the deaths of people already weakened by dysentery, fever and the rotting, worm infested vegetables. He says, quote, this is sound a lot more and more like Daytona beat. Or kind of like Eli went to a hospice and got talked into drinking.

Well, but alcohol speeding up the deaths of scots since 1699. And also all points before 1699. Since fermentation started. Rotting worm infested food. Are we sure the food went bad or was it just Scottish? How can they tell? So by the July of 1699, eight months after they landed, they pulled up steaks and abandoned the settlement.

Well, the 300 of the original 1200 that were still alive did. Anyway, well, the 294 of those 300 that could move did. Anyway, they literally just left six, six dudes there. 250 of the survivors made it to the New York Harbor where they found friendly locals and superior pizza. Wait, wait, if they had at least one slice of Chicago pizza down in Caledonia, they would have been leaving with 1200 people. That's right.

Well, assuming they caulked it properly, yeah. If they had Chicago style pizza at home, they never would have left. Right. Because they would have gotten shot. Exactly. Yeah. Who would have died waiting for it at fucking Peequats? Now, excuse me, my son was born when I ordered, and he's an old man now.

Now, as disastrous as this expedition was, you'd never have guessed it from the letters these starving, malaria drunks were sending back home. So Scotland sent a reason to lie with 300 settlers that arrived in August of 1699 One month after the survivors from the first expedition decided to abandon the cell Right, they're expecting to find a bustling town and instead they got a bunch of ruined huts and 400 overgrown graves

Yeah, and six guys going I feel happy And six guys going, I feel happy. I feel happy. I feel happy. And you got to figure this type of thing happens every so often throughout history. Like some family, they pack up their station wagon with all their stuff, ready to start new life. And then they show up in Chernobyl the day after the meltdown.

And while the two ships that make up this resupply are trying to figure out what to do, they accidentally set one of their ships on fire. So the survivors fuck off and had to Jamaica, where of course they're not allowed to port because fuck Scotland just turned into each other on the Dacol Amaciated going, well, it's better than the one we did through Carnival still. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, He supplied and headed back to Panama for some reason where he found things like he'd left them, except for extra burned up husk of Scottish ship. And around the same time Scotland, again, still unaware that this had all gone horribly wrong, sends along a second expedition, along with five more ships and a thousand more settlers. Oh my God, what the fuck?

Like I get that they got letters saying that everything was fine, but like, weren't these guys supposed to be trading and sending money back? Yeah, right. Didn't anyone notice that no one was sending anything back to fucking Scotland? Wasn't that literally the whole point of this thing?

Yeah, honestly, this feels more like a long con by like Scottish royalty to get rid of all their criminals. Just like, yeah, no, you guys go ahead. You set that up. We're going to be right behind you. That's going to go, I'm sure you won't mostly die and set everything on fire. It's going to be great. It's going to be great.

Kind of like New York did with Chicago. It's very similar actually. That's what I was saying. So when this expedition arrives in November of 1699, they find Drummond and a few of the original settlers basically living in a boat, they find Drummond and a few of the original settlers basically living in a boat, they bought in New York and they talk him into heading ashore and helping them rebuild new Edinburgh.

Needless to say, the new arrivals are hugely disappointed to be building a town they were told would already be there. So morale was low. Jesus, that sucks. Almost as much as promoting a podcast, no one listens to you. Yeah. Us and seafaring indigents in the late 17th century nearly equivalent and suffering. Except they got free oranges. Yeah, they got it back. I know my oranges. Nobody tweeted at them. So, German crashes with a merchant named buyers. Drummond says the first order

of business should be rebuilding the fort in case the Spanish attack them. And buyers says war is on Christian. So buyers has Drummond arrested, ships off everybody who sides with him and then buyers himself abandons the colony because he was done fucking it up more. Apparently I don't know if you know what I'm saying. It's just gone.

He just leaves one pig hat on a stick and heads out to his phone. Hold on, because I'm a little confused. Is the punishment here being shipped away from a malaria and starvation beside an hell? How was everyone out running around with a list of laws to break like groceries? And just then when things are at their darkest. A new leader arrives in the form of Alexander Campbell of Phonel. Phonel, the company sent to organize the colony's defense. They're defense against what? They wanted walls to keep everybody out of their

human compost pile of maggots and malaria. What did that mean? So despite the general apathy, fo fo fashoshos was an inspirational leader that managed to really turn things around. He fortified the city, he instilled hope in people, and he got himself nearly fatally wounded a month later when he attacked the Spanish. This provoked the Spanish into a siege that lasted about a month before they negotiated a truce and abandoned the settlement for the last time. Yeah, I feel like that's a good indication

your city's fucked. Like again, the Spanish show up to attack, but they can smell the place probably from miles away. And everyone's like, so siege then, we're gonna stop right here, siege grade. It's like the drone strikes of 1699 big fan. Right. All right, Scotland, come on.

Like if you want me to stop making fun of you, have a military hero that doesn't have an almost in his tail of victory, okay? Just a one. Yeah, okay. Like I feel like noble defeat is overrated. Like an egg noble victory is still a victory. Scott, we didn't try for one of those. For the fact, ignoble victory is still a victory is actually on the inside of my wedding

ring fun fact. I don't know how to put it into that. But yeah, I remember that one fifth of the Scottish economy is invested in this scheme. So the company in a desperate effort to recoup some of this money sends two ships, laden with trade goods to Africa. Remember that plant? But they send Thomas Drummond since he did such a great job in Panama, I guess. And they even make his brother Robert Drummond the captain. So instead of doing what they were supposed to, they sold trade goods for slaves, took them to Madagascar and got both of their boats stolen

and burned by pirates. Yeah, and someone dumped their books too and gave them a swirly. I just, I thought Mr. Drummond only had the two black boys. Oh, different strokes, I guess. We found the chow rape jokes, everybody. He thought we wouldn't, but we found them. So the company made two more efforts to revive the colony. Oh, good. I wouldn't want them to quit while they were way, way, way behind. So the first ship they

sent was lost at sea. And they couldn't afford to build the second one. So they hired one out of London. But as soon as they got that one loaded up, the East India company seized it. And the Scott got so pissed off about that that they ended up hanging three English sailors that had fuck all to do with any of this. Why would that what? I know they were just like, all right. And of the day. So this series of failures devastated the already weak Scottish economy and is often cited as one of the main reason for the acts of union in

1707 in 11 the last vestige of the venture was wiped away when the government changed the name of the area from Perto Escocos Scottish for Escocas Escocas I'm gonna say say as scosis. As scosis.

Oh no, it's bad as for codes. As caucus, Spanish for Scottish port to Puerto Inibag. Gaga. In Igaria, divina. In Ibarg, Yana, in honor of a hero that lived nowhere near there. But to be fair, nobody lives anywhere near there because it's tropical shithole full of fatal shitting diseases. Well, Eli, if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, what would it be?

Now would be a bad time for the United States to start a space force. Are you ready for the quiz? Hit me with your best, Scott. Yeah. All right. Shit. Tits. While they ultimately landed on the Darian scheme, it wasn't the only investment on the shortlist.

What else did the company of Scotland consider investing a fifth of their national economy on? Was it a 12 CDs for a penny? Was it B? Amway. these for a penny. What is it? P. Amway. Was it C. Fidere O scheme in which the farmer takes a wife, the wife takes a child. And by the end of it, a lot of lonely cheese sends you one dollar each. But anyway, that's so fucking so fucked up.

I had to look up the lyrics for that question. A nurse takes a bullet one point. That's what the fuck? Right? So fuck that. I had to look up the lyrics for that question. A nurse takes a bullet one point. What the fuck? Right. Or was it D, a national reverse mortgage, which is kind of what the act of union actually is. Yeah. I'm going to go with D. It was D. Yeah. No, natural reverse mortgage. It was. All right. Eli eating turtles is actually pretty popular thing to do here in the States. Here it's called the snapper challenge.

What are some other popular dishes you can make with this reptile? A, stuff shells, box tails, sea soccer tortoise, or D, leatherback ribs. I want my leatherback leatherback leatherback. I want my leather back ribs. I want my leather back leather back leather back. I want my leather back ribs. Just because that stuck in people's head now, a D leather back ribs. All right. Eli Scotland isn't exactly known for its powerful history as a colonial power or vibrant economic leadership.

Instead, Scotland has given us which of the following treasures. Hey, Scotch, whiskey that is distilled and then set on fire Invented to forget that you are Scottish Me golf a game where a tiny ball is hit into a just slightly less tiny hole Invented in a land of cliffs so you can pretend dad accidentally fell instead of jump to his death upon realizing he's Scottish See instead of jump to his death upon realizing he's Scottish. See, bagpipes, an instrument exclusively played at funerals, because being released from the hell of being Scottish is the only time to celebrate with music. Fuck. Or D.

August, because if eating shit is your only option, you should probably boil it. I'm going to go with C bagpipes. Sure. Yeah, I win. All right, Eli, what was something successful that's happened in the history of Scotland? It's not multiple choice. I'm really asking you. I'm gonna go with secret answer A or embryo appearance. The closest Cecil and I have ever had.

That is incorrect. It was blank. C. All right, Heath, you win. You get to pick who does the assay next week. All right. Noah, you win, you get to pick who does the essay next week. All right, Noah again. Sure, why not? All right, now I'm going to toss it over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer and

this week's Twitter question. Thanks Cecil. Last week's question was, if you could make one thing disappear into the Bermuda triangle, what would it be? The answer comes from skeptic bread on Facebook with this. Eli's asshole. Bonus points for tearing apart the spacetime continuum and saving us from ourselves. This week's question is, if you could pack only one thing, what would you bring from Scotland to Panama? Just retweet or Facebook share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner.

Back to you Cecil. Alright, well for Eli, Noah, Tom and Heath, I'm Cecil. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, Noah will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to Tom and I over at Cognitive Disnates, or you can listen to Noah and Heath, but gradually talk to Eli over at the Skating Atheists, God-Offal Movies and the Skeptocrat. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com-slatch-sytation-pod. For more, leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media,

check the show notes, or buy tickets to the live show. Be sure to check out citationpod.com.