Citation Needed - The Dreadnought Hoax

Episode Date: November 29, 2017

The Dreadnought hoax was a practical joke pulled by Horace de Vere Cole in 1910. Cole tricked the Royal Navy into showing their flagship, the battleship HMS Dreadnought, to a fake delegation of Abyssinian royals. The hoax drew attention in Britain to the emergence of the Bloomsbury Group, among whom some of Cole's collaborators numbered. The hoax was a repeat of a similar impersonation which Cole and Adrian Stephenhad organised while they were students at Cambridge in 1905. --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Dude, I can't believe president Barack Obama is gonna be on this episode. Where Ethan Eli for crisis? I'm unreal. It's just my hair look okay guys do I do I look okay can I call him just Barack or do you think that? No, no, no, I think it's still Mr. President. I guess I'm just. Shut up, shut up.

Oh, the motorcade is pulling up. Oh my god, oh my god! No, a breath! He's just like dude! I-I-I dude! Like you and me! Uggh! Uggh! Gentlemen, thanks so much for having me.

Eli, what are you doing? Where's Brock- where- where is Baracko- But, where is he? Oh, Cecil, what are you talking about? Uh, uh, uh, M. Barack Obama? Uh, we talked on the phone remember no no no please no no he's no He's not coming is he Got you guys is me Eli yes, no, it's very obviously you

In in blackface. Yeah, because I know it shouldn't, but the blackface makes it so much worse than it actually. Guy, I am going to squish him. I'm going to squish him. I'm going to use all of the strength that I have ever built and I am going to squish him like a buddy between my hair. Eli, how the hell did you possibly set all of this up? Well, we're doing the Dreadnot hoax this week and get off me Tom.

So what better way to get in the spirit, right? Couple fake emails, a Google voice fake number and a not inexpensive motorcade rental later and you guys should see your faces. This is really call my wife. I call that a work. This this here is the worst thing. Oh, oh, come on guys. I got you.

You're not ho- Stupid. Show. Hey, hey guys, I heard Tom yelling, oh my god, it's Barack Obama. It's like, the guy from SNL, this is so cool. So cool to meet you, dude. Um, dude.

The guy from... It is Kate McKinnon Nice in person. I imagine her being nice. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Heath N. Wright and I'll be handing out the red pills tonight, but I can't do it. That might be a completely diverse group

of super ninja spies, actually, for upper middle class white guys, whatever, same dip, first up to men who I can call a partner and still buy a cake wherever I want, Noah and Eli. Okay. Well not the cake's eye order, but the point stands, the point stands. Well, no, I don't know to be fair. We lived in South Georgia and down there the bakers would demand to see us not suck each other's dick first. Eventually, they sold us the cake, but there were some hoops not that one time the most the time And also joining us about the rules

And also joining us tonight we have Tom and Cecil's biggest fans. That's so mean Someone's never heard of our show. A whole lot of someone's actually heard of it. You know, if I don't like me best, someone else is gonna have to do it. So really, I'm just taking one for the team. Playing on that grenade. All right, before we get going, first I'd like to say sometimes other people write in lines for other people,

and I didn't mean to be as mean as it sounded now. Also, I'd like to take a moment to thank our patrons who keep the show going. And for as little as a dollar a show, you too could help choose the topics we cover. Pay for Tom and Cecil's eight ball an hour chicken wing habit. And most importantly, validate the incredibly lonely job of making jokes alone into a microphone that we can't hear you laughing at. If you'd like to become one of those heroic people, be sure to stick around to the end of the show.

Unless, of course, the stunning realization of just how sad we are is too much guilt to live with for a moment longer, in which case, head over to patreon.com slash citation pod right now and give till it stops hurting. And with that out of the way, tell us Tom, what person place thing concept phenomenon or event? Well, we'd be talking about today. We'll be talking about the dreadnought hoax. Wonderful. And Eli, you fooled yourself into thinking, you understand this? Are you ready to stand the garden path?

John, I'll take that as a yes. All right. All right. Not going to ask you stuff anymore. Okay. I guess except this. So tell us Eli. What was the dread not hoax? Okay. Well, I just learned it is not pronounced dread nougat hoax. So other than that, it was my dear.. I'm not gonna terrified. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. A bunch of jokes for the show that aren't gonna make sense. It was my dear he's perhaps the greatest prank of all time.

Okay. Well, knowing your definition of prank, I'd like to go ahead and quit the show. Just ahead of time. I'm out. Me too. Don't wait. Now, in order to understand the dreadnought hoax, you need to go ahead and quit the show. I had a time. I'm out. Me too. Do it late. Now, in order to understand the dreadnought hoax, you need to know the name of America's two

greatest heroes. The guy who invented Astroglyde and the guy who invented the rubber fist, right? Cecil if those aren't the same guy, that's just me. Can it know which order the two were invented in any way, right? Well, there was one guy or two guys pretty much the same effect on the country as Ralph Nader and Jill Stein. That was going to be my answer. That's how I tie.

Good answers all close, close, close, but no, made a hole. You could drive the FBI through. No, of course I'm talking about Horace, DeVier Cole, and Adrian Steven. Now we'll study at Cambridge in the late 1800s. These two geniuses realized that it was the 1800s and everything the world knew took about 20 minutes to learn. So they declared a prank war on the world after a few minor pranks and gags around campus they decided to go big Stephen wanted to take command of a platoon of German soldiers and lead them across the French frontier to cause a

national incident. But it's gonna be awesome. A world war. Hill area. Millions will perish. Right. So he was a little worried about the whole war between France and Germany thing. Well, I mean, a surrender, probably not a war.

But you know, a damaged set of rifles, right? They've dropped one. So Cole convinced him instead to pose as the Sultan of Zanzibar and fake a visit to Cambridge. I mean, didn't they have to invent Zanzibar first? Because that there's no way that's a real place. A salt in a Zanzibar. But he had to settle as one of the members of Dyer Strait and become the salt in the swing around his house.

What we're saying is guitar George has an amazing origin story. It takes a while to know all the chords. You know, there's some shit. See, the song was visiting England at the time and everyone knew it. So the boys sent a fake telegram to the mayor of the town dressed up in blackface, fake robes and turbines and showed up to town, look into party. Party in blackface, totally Yale. This is snarky telegram that they said.

I did. I'm confused too. I thought we didarky telegram that they said. I did. I'm confused too. I thought we did Wikipedia entries, not Yikki. This is right. We can do both of them. Just real quick. What's a fake robe and turban?

They weren't real cloth. What does that mean? Yeah. Not legitimate. This is why I took away your Halloween costume. Either way, everyone fell for it. The town clerk met them at the railway station. They were given an official reception by the mayor at the guild hall and were taken to a charity bazaar and given a tour of the city.

Okay. If they didn't take advantage of diplomatic immunity long enough to at least rob a bank, I'm going to be very disappointed in this prank. Yes, my first reaction to this was, you know, obviously, the funk gets fooled by black face. That's ridiculous. But honestly, the redskins mascot could walk into the Maryland Capitol building and get a casino tomorrow.

And shut down a pipeline and get into Johns Hopkins. Like, they have it too easy is what I'm saying. Jesus. Jesus. He's easy. I'm like, I'm in a bunch of black faces. Kind of a running theme and Eli's Easy. I like that. I like that. Good black face is kind of a running theme in Eli's essay. Is anyone else not on the set?

Yeah, right. You did a lot of black face. Yeah, the average, every essay is going to go through all the shades. It's like a rainbow face by the time of the end. I didn't realize we were giving notes. Yeah. All right. So anyway, the the prank worked.

They got away with it is what you're saying. They sure did he then they were dropped back off of the train station. The boys made their escape and then sent their story complete with photographs to the Daily Mail where everyone in the country laughed and pointed at everyone involved. The daily mail 200 years of journalistic excrements, one subheading per year or article. Exactly. I'm going to go to standard. Fun fact, the mayor of Cambridge actually wanted the boys expelled from school for this prank, but the vice chancellor of the school convinced him not to pursue it because, you

know, got fooled by two college students in black faces already embarrassing enough without the adendum of and then tried to seek revenge, you know what I'm saying? I feel like they had actual black faces seeking revenge wouldn't have been a problem. So I think this is a good time for us all to reflect on that time. Donald Trump did a photo op with a fake Russian guy with red paint on his head. I can't. Or that time you know, mistook a Russian agent for his campaign manager. Like he's done that a couple of times too.

Turkey. All right. Well, so far, so good, I guess, but nothing about a boat yet. Should I dread not? Is what Eli wrote for me to say? Yeah, should I dread not What you like wrote for me to say It's no way that pun is so beneath you I use I don't use four dot ellipses I use three

I'm just looking Still given notes he like It's good. I'm excited to give notes to each other now. It's fun. I'm do really, we're still given notes, Eli. Even notes, it's good. I'm excited to give notes to each other now. It's fun. I'm glad that I got to be first one, set the press in. I get to show what it's like to take critical feedback so long. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Oh Dusty dusty Okay, so Few years later Has a buddy on the hms hawk who mentions that the hms hawk and the hms dreadnnaught have a sort of rivalry prank war going on of their own. And to make it even better, Adrian Stevens' cousin, Commander Willie Fisher, is on the staff of the Admiral of the Drednaught. So it would be double good to pull a prank on him.

Keep it in the family. Ah, the good old days. When you went to the trouble of hand-crafting the pie, you were gonna slam in someone's face. It was not exactly. I take the next sold days. So Cole tells Stephen who is down like a clown and forms a sort of artist slash writer Oceans 11

to pull this prank off that includes the artist Duncan Grant, the author Anthony Buxen and his sister Virginia Steven, who everyone knows by her married name, Virginia Woolf. Wait, the author? Yes, the author of Virginia Woolf. Wait, you're like, are you about to tell us the story of the time, the author of Mrs. Dalloway dressed up in black face and snuck onto a boat, pretending to be the salt and of Zanzibar?

Really? I sure am, Heath, I sure am. Okay, well in that case, I'm gonna need to take a moment to lose my fucking mind. And while I do, we'll cue the music for OPPO of nothing. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hey, OPPO of nothing, Tom,, so you guys like pranks, right? Yeah. Yes.

I mean, you've written this for me to say these words, but I genuinely have no idea you wrote this bit into the show. Don't worry about it, call forward. No big deal. It's gonna be really funny in the back box. It's gonna be great time back to the show. And we're back. When we left off, it sounded like the author of A Room of One's Own was about to sneak onto a British battleship in Blackface. Please, please tell me that's what happened to you.

Sure, the fuck does he? It sure the fuck does. So, so. So, the first thing the group does is go to Willie Clarkson, a British wig maker, costume designer, and master of disguise. He's hard out Dana Carvey. Exactly. He is hard out, Dana Carveys.

Exactly. He is widely considered to be, so he is widely considered to be England's best customer. He makes costumes for Scotland Yard when they go undercover. He's the foremost costume maker of London's theater scene. He's even reputed to have made disguises for Jack the Ripper. Now that people give the proper murder assist credit to people, you know what I mean? Like, let's talk about Caitlin Jenner's car detailer. You know?

You have rights. What about Bill Clinton? He helped, right? He helped with whatever all that stuff. What about whoever helped out the guy who killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldberg? That guy, that guy, that guy, Stuart Martin. We must have had some good helpers. Right. Excuse me, sir, I'm going to need a costume that doesn't make me look like a med of it.

So you're covered in blood. Right, right, yeah, so let's start there. Right. Yeah. Okay, well, you're also holding a human heart and give a necklace, you know, eyeballs. I feel like you're right. Yeah, yeah, can we put holding a human heart and give a necklace, you know, eyeballs. I feel like you're right. Yeah, yeah, can we put some glitter on that, maybe?

You know, you know, I'm not going to take the lead on this. You're the costume guy. I don't want to second guess you were, but some, you know, just like that. That's exactly what it was like. Down to the accent. Down to the accent. You thought there was a British guy here that was trying to do an Australian accent. Exactly.

So Clarkson gives them the full treatment. Blackface legitimate turbines and robes everything. The only limitation is that due to the makeup, they can't eat anything and Stephen plays the role of interpreter. Well, back up, can't eat. No prank is worth the sacrifice. There's nothing possible. And in case you're wondering, no, I'm not an undercover Sultan and white face. I have stomach problems in the culinary taste of a nine year old.

That's right. It is true. Side note, I know this is a audio medium, but there are photos of this group online. And if you haven't seen Virginia Wolf in blackface, a fake beard and a turban posing with the admirable of a worship, you have it. That is an amazing porn hub channel. Amazing. Absolutely. Me, a Khalifa is the best.

I love me, Khalifa. Really? I find it works somewhat pedestrian and derivative. I don't know, your mileage may vary. Yeah, no, I'd be, gee, I wonder where that zucchini is gonna wind up. Me, I'm with you. I'm with you, it's super decouable. But there's several places it could have, I'm just saying. Okay, surprise.

It is listening and you heard her feelings so. Oh my God. She might be our next ambassador to South Arabia. It's true. Thank you. Oh, check the petition Saudi Arabia. It's true. Check the petition. It's out there. True story. So drive something over there.

On February 7th, 1910, the prank begins in earnest. Cole organized for an accomplice to send a telegram to the HMS Dreadnought, which was docked in Portland Harbor, Dorset. The telegram said that the ship must be prepared for the visit of a group of princes from Abyssinia and was purportedly signed by foreign office undersecretary Sir Charles Harding. I gotta be careful with this. If you stare into the Abyssinian, the Abyssinian stares into you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I love that joke. You love that joke. You say it's on your love that joke. I feel like I need to hike my pants into my nipple after I hear that. You loved it.

It's gonna go where am I shirt at the pool. You loved it. Wait, why wouldn't you wear your shirt at the pool? I'm sitting, it sounds like a fake place, though, doesn't it? I mean, it sounds better. Like, I bet if we all got dressed up in groucho marks, mustache and glasses, told Trump we were the delegation from Fredonia, he'd give us a tour of the Pentagon. Paul Manaful could be with us.

But not anymore. Present tours begin at noon. That's fine. Oh, I guess that's true. Right. So, Colin the gang. Thank you. Terrible.

Thank you. Oh. Then went to London's London's patting station where Cole claimed he was Herbert Chum Lombard of the foreign office. He said he was fake name of fake name of the foreign office and demanded a special train to Weimouth, which worked and the station master arranged a VIP coach. I understand how this is working. Had nobody invented lying? Yeah, right? Like, or do you play some of these totally foreign office concepts to these people? Yes, yes. Okay.

All right. So the five arrived in Weymouth and the Navy welcomed the princes with an honor guard. They couldn't find an Abyssinian flag. So they used a Zanzibarian flag instead and welcomed them with Zanzibar's national anthem. Okay, that's weird. They just chose another country's anthem. It's breaking ho. We left, but half the United States would be fine with a Dixie flag and sweet home

Alabama. I mean, yeah. You honestly just described most of the trucks at every drive-through in Georgia right now. They're all slightly off time with the songs to get this weird echo. That's gonna go on. So with the official greeting out of the way,

the five pranksters were given a tour of the fleet. Everyone except for Stephen pretended not to speak English and communicated amongst themselves and to Stephen in a mixture of gibberish, Latin, and Greek. Among the gibberish was the nonsense phrase, Bunga Bunga, which they told the officers was a compliment of the highest, most holy order, bestowing it on everyone on board

and demanding it in return. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I mean, to be fair though, an offering of the bunga's a high compliment to make. So whole thing sounds like a flavor, flavor video. Who's honestly? I just want to point out that when they say mixture of gibberish, Latin and Greek, they mean Harry Potter spells, right? Like they were walking around saying Harry Potter spells to one another all afternoon in black face. And we're back to Yale. Exactly.

But that's not all. While on the ship, they asked for prayer mats and conducted long fake religious rituals with the crew. Okay. And they just had Zanzibar Barbarian prayer mats just like laying around just in case. You guys said I was silly when I ordered these motherfuckers. Who's laughing now, y'all? I love the prayer has to include the crew too.

And now everyone swings their penis. Hold it in your mouth just for a moment. So finally and best lay. Steven and Virginia also bestowed fake military honors on some of the officers, including their cousin, Commander Fisher, who failed to recognize either of them. I mean, Jesus Christ, he let him fire the guns too. Do they take him into the cockpit and let him touch the steering wheel or however those things were? Yeah.

With this piece. So with their visit complete, the crew returned to London where Cole again contacted the press and sent the aforementioned photos of them again to the Daily Mail. Now obviously this was a huge embarrassment and the Navy demanded that Colby arrested. However, Col and his compatriots had not broken any law. And so they got off, Scott free. Yeah. Later they sold their medals on eBay and board their neighbors with drunken stories at

that time they were cool ones. So amazing. I'm sorry, but I feel like lying about who you are to get free train rides has always been illegal. I feel like we should have, we should have like an asterisk sound effect during Elyse essays. No need. It's the sound of my voice.

One last perfect little post script to this story. During World War I, the ship, the HMS Dreadnaught, rammed and sank a German submarine, the only battleship ever to do so in a startling victory that many credit with having swung the tide of the sea war in England's flavor. The congratulatory telegram they received from on high was just two words. Bunga bunga. The history geek and me died a little during that fact, but what the hell? What the hell?

It had caps the story nicely. Great. So if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentancy lie, what would that sentence be? Everyone loves a good prank, right, Tom? It's a no. No, no, no, no. All right, looking forward to that. So are you ready for a quiz from the panel as ready as a Zanzibarion, Rostafarian, my friend? That way doesn't mean anything. No. Okay, so if you're going to lie your way onto a big fancy boat, it should at least have

an awesome name. So which of the below actual yachts was next on Virginia Wolf's shit list? A, a little naughty. B, the unsinkable to see the codfather or D row versus Wade. He's your real boat names by the way. That's brilliant. That's a great boat. That's brilliant.

The unsinkable to girls. Answer answer question. It's a question that I was answered. Oh god, damn it. Covered. Covered. Covered. Covered. Covered. Covered. Covered. Covered. Covered. Covered. Covered. Someone was wrong. All right, assuming you got that right, I'll move right along. All right. So given your history with Frank Wars, Eli, and the way that you've doodled Eli hearts, Horace Cole forever, all of your trapper keeper. I feel like it's important at this moment to re-emphasize an important lesson that you and I have been over before. Which of these important reminders about what is and isn't acceptable in a prank war appears first on the whiteboard? Is it a human remains

aren't as funny as you think? Be if it necessitates therapy later, it doesn't matter how funny it was. See, Erdogan does not have a good sense of humor. Or D, if you have to ask, does this count as a crime against humanity, it doesn't you shouldn't do it. The last one, I remember it's the last one because it's long. Yeah. That's absolutely. You may repeat it back to you, even though I totally remembered it. All right, Eli, which is the following blackface related things is a real event in my

life. Shit. Is it a my friend dressed up as Michael Jordan for Halloween at our public middle school, including Brown makeup all over his body without incident because my town is super Irish and racist. B, it's a that really See he almost went to Yale and Really close though. I really We both have lots of black friends now, but none of them went to a middle school.

I'm gonna go with A, A, all my friend, yeah. That's 100% a true story. Everybody was like, oh, that's such a good cause to me. It's not a good effort, it's horrible. All right, 1993. Eli. Fun times. Eli was four.

All right, so Eli, if you're going to do a hoax, where's the best place for it? A, the New York skyline. Oh, she's spilt. Joseph Smith. Miss Hat. See off planet. Or D, Hillary Clinton's email server. I'm going to go with A, which brings me to the essay they won't let me do.

So the year is 2014, right? Jean-Benaire Ramsey is a famous ice skater, but she's gotten a little bit too very very British. Okay. So everybody wins, I think. Great. Which means nobody won, so I choose myself. I'm gonna write the essay next week, me.

Alright, well for Cecil, Tom, no any lie. I'm Heath. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, I'll be an expert on something else. In the meantime, you can find out exactly who can go fuck themselves on the Skating Atheist, the Skeptocrat, and the God of the Movies. And you can find out exactly who Tom and Cecil would fuck on their show, Coggins' Isis.

It's a long list, by the way, long, long list. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod, or leave us a glowing review anywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, or take a look at the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com. And remember, Frank War. I'm not gonna ask Mr. Nipples what you did.