Citation Needed - The Etruscans

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

The Etruscan civilization (/ɪˈtrʌskən/) of ancient Italy covered a territory, at its greatest extent, of roughly what is now Tuscany, western Umbria, and northern Lazio,[2][3] as well as parts of what are now the Po Valley, Emilia-Romagna, south-eastern Lombardy, southern Veneto, and Campania.[4]

And so when that experiment from get out fails, they create the bodies in us, right? So boom, it's the same universe. It's kind of reaching. I don't think that it's reaching. It's reaching. Hey, guys. Hey, Noah, you're here awfully early. Well, yeah, I'm just getting ready for my big episode of the Atrustkins.

Oh, that's right, yeah, I forgot we're having you do that this week. Dude, I've been boning up on this since last week. Because she doesn't need her own series, Tom. That's why. You're crazy. Are you start as a pirate going on adventures? That sounds amazing. Who's not watching? It does, but it's not. Guys, guys, we already did the pop culture bit in the hall. You did? Mm-hmm. You did? What was it about? Yeah, we already did it we already did the pop culture bit in the hall. You did.

Mm-hmm. What was it about? Yeah, we already did it. We did the pop culture thing. It was a Jordan Peele verse. Don't call it that. They said you wouldn't. Yeah, but we were doing something better.

We were doing the Arya spin off from Game of Thrones, which is definitively better. Oh, no. Yeah, I think that could be good. I think that actually be a lot of fun. See, I knew that would be good. It's a win. But you could just say Jordan Peel's movies to be clear, circle back to that.

The Peelverse doesn't work. Excuse me, guys, guys. Oh, no, I, you're here. What's up, bud? Today's the big day. I'm finally doing my episode on the Etruscan. Boxel, I'm good to show. How do I quit the show?

What, you did it? It's a resignation. You're done. No, Tom, Tom, I'm telling you, trust me. The Etruscans are what ties all of citation needed together. Okay. Noah, counterpoint.

Never! Yeah, strong counterpoint. Yeah, I mean, credit where credit is due. What was that? Oh, the noise, that's Eli's transition noise. It's how he gets us from place to place. See, now we're outside. I thought it was like a harp-glist.

I thought that moved us. It's called a doodly-do-you-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w Take it easy. Yeah, yeah. The harp glist, it's more for dream sequences and memories. Totally. Okay, but he doesn't even know my grandmother. Neither did I, but that's okay. I know, but it doesn't look like Tom is here. Yeah. When he's hurt, he sort of wanders. It's like a bear.

Okay, so do we do the episode with Adam? Cause times run short already and I have at least four introductory paragraphs on the diaspora that I'm gonna kinda have to rush through if we don't get started now know what we can't do the show without one of us. Yeah, come on, we're a team. We did a show a couple weeks ago without heath. Wait, we did. Yeah, did you guys seriously not notice he wasn't on that episode? I mean, in our defense, sometimes he gets all quiet when he's mad.

So maybe you just... Fuck you! Okay. Kind of disproves it. But sometimes he's quiet. See, like, like right now, like he's totally mad like right now right now. Yes. Yeah Must not learn about boring pre-Roman civilization

Who are you? I'm very curious. The first female subject of the satish needed a message. Oh, yeah, I remember you. Do you don't have to be afraid of learning time when the clock strikes for knowledge will set you free? Okay, I guess maybe.

You're all glowy though because you're like a ghost. Is that what it is about? Oh, I'm not glowing because of radio issues. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I played with a bunch of uranium. No, I know. I know.

I was like a bunch. Yep. I got that. Are you sure about this? I mean, where else could he be, right? Can't hurt to look, right? Okay, tell you what, I'll skip the entire section on the effect of Truscant Pottery had on the development of Roman society if we could just start the show now.

Okay, but I mean, we're already here. We might as well check, right? I know, just, just please kiss me the willies. Okay, everyone, right? I know, just... This place gives me the willies. Okay, everyone... Ready? All of rejected? Do you like characters? So much bigger than I remember.

Yeah, it is. Oh, man, look at them all! Tom? Tom? You and your buddy... We... We changed the essay. It's about something else.

Now, tell him it's about old-fashioned. He likes old-fashioned. It's about old-fashioned now, made with top shelf bourbon, and handcrafted simple syrup. Handcrafted, I think that's a little much. He's a hipster deep down heath. Yeah. Gosh, look at these guys.

There's Gary the gay elevator operator. Oh, and Tudik Steve. C'mon, I don't know why you guys never let me do Tudik Steve. I mean, maybe if he wasn't a child, right? No, Keith, that's what makes him hilarious Which one's for me and miss that? Absolutely not. Come on 100% no really glad we stopped him Fine fine. Okay, I don't get it where else could Tom be I

May I help you sir. Yeah, I'm Look at some friends of mine. They know your boss. Oh Of course, Mr. Curry. I'll inform Mr. Woolberg of your arrival. Please wait here Now are all the chairs in this house bench presses. That's Just a lot of them you bet you're fucking ass. They are bro Tom. How are you bro? You look fucking amazing Come here. Come here. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Ah thanks, mr. Walberg. I was just wondering. Whoa whoa whoa whoa before you finish You come in here. Just give me a fantastic fucking idea for a movie. It's called Nook Nook Who's there? It's about this family, right? This family guy, typical family man wakes up at four, prays for three hours, works out for six hours,

owns a zoo, but then someone knocks on his door. Okay, yeah, and? Nope, no, and that's that's the whole movie. Yeah, I don't, I don't think. And Disney bought it. It's our next Christmas. The death of culture. That's what you are. I sure am. So what can I do for you, bro? What do you need? I was just wondering if you'd seen the rest of the podcast, the gang. I jumped out the window, obviously, to avoid a episode about the Etruscans. I seem to have lost track of them after that, though.

Oh, the Etruscans. Those guys are fucking amazing, bro. Do you know they invented the very first eyeglasses and one of the first cultures to track the stars in a formalized and consistent manner? I didn't, I'm trying not to know. Yeah, I didn't know that either. But you just said it. How could you, said what? I'm not a cop, you're a cop.

No, I'm not a cop. Oh, you're a cop. Hey, did you know that I never apologized for beating up that Chinese guy when I was in my 20s? Yeah, I did know that. I'm told that a lot. Look at me now, Corona-free. So who's laughing now, right?

Okay, the audiences at Knock Knock, who's there? Next Christmas. Wait, where are we? Is that a wave pool? Oh my God, a wave pool! Cecil, you're the only one who wants to hear about the atrascans. You have to come back! Well, like they were a seafaring people, right? Tell me about it in the pool. We could just float and talk about it.

Yeah, it's no use. No way pools are like black holes to old hairy dudes. Okay, fine. Well, I guess... Damn it. Wait, hold on. I recognize this place. This is from my youth. Is it? Hold on, is this where I lost my virginity? I thought that happened in your 30s It's late late 30s. Uh wait. Wait. Yes. This is action park Really? Doesn't seem like if there's not anywhere close to enough racism out of my way you There it is that guy got it. Guys, I'm gonna start a conversation with everyone I float by.

That's great buddy, that's good. You see that changing room? That was it. That's where a real girl who has a real name, that's, she made me a man. That's where it happened. That sounds super gross. It was. I have a very Obvious sunburn. Let's go on the water slide Which one?

The dirt napkinator obviously, which is weird because I have on so much sunscreen. It's all stuck in my hair No, I like being able to get around without a walker so you can do the dirt napkinator Um, okay first of all, you're like a year away from that max. And second, what are you talking about? It's perfectly safe, it's a water slide. Your leg folds backwards at the hip. You walk like one of those things from District 9.

That's unrelated, it's redditary. Everyone in my family walker. It's like I didn't even rub it in at all. I've just been, but I have these big swirls of hair on my stomach. Okay, but did everyone in your family go on the dirt napkinator? I don't see what this has to do with it. Okay. Okay, I'm trapped in a vet.

Can somebody get the big thing to get me untrapped the scoopy thing? No, Cecil! Finally! Nope. Sorry, ma'am, we're, finally. Nope. Sorry, ma'am, we're just clones. We're just clones. Cl- what clones? Yeah, I haven't you noticed that you've died

in the intro's a bunch of times in these episodes? I know, I have. I mean, I have too, yeah. Well, that's what we're here for. Pop us in, download some memories, bingo, bingo. But how did, I mean, what were did, just Eli has a clone guy? Yep, clone guy. Yeah, sure.

He's got a lot of guys. He really does. I don't have a blacksmith though. Ugh, this is taken forever. Did I mention that I quit the search party? I quit. I quit the search party. About 16 times, Heath. 16. I quit. Uh, 17. I think that's 17. Oh, okay. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you why you guys let me do the episode now without Tom and I'll skip the entire section on agricultural change.

It pains me to do it, but I will. Okay. You know what? No one has a point. We could speed this up if we split up. Yeah. Let's split up. Um, yeah, uh, me and Heath will go check out the hall of defunct business ideas. You guys look around here like together. Yeah, you you and know I'll go together. Why? Why not? Is that a problem? No, yeah, no, no problem. Okay. All right. Cool. Come on, Heath. So, yeah right cool. Come on, he's So yeah, so How's Lucinda was in this good. She's good How Sarah oh Good really good Yep good still drawn who Sarah oh Pretty good. Yep. Good. Still drawn.

Who? Sarah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Still drawn. John is the awesome.

Yeah. Draws. Well, she, uh, yeah. She was just like pencils, right? Uh, mix media. Yeah. Basically, yeah.

Sure. Hmm. Yep. Cool. Well, Tom's not here. We should go check somewhere else, right? Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah. Okay. Definitely. All right. And three, two, one, you're supposed to turn your key. I thought we were doing 3, 2, 1, go. No, turn it on one. That's absurd. Obviously, what? Why would we do a count?

Fine. Okay, fine. We'll do one. We're doing one. 3, 2, 1, go. You're supposed to do it on one. I just gave me both the keys. You just gave me both the keys.

This is the worst. Every time. We do double key things. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Sigh. I'm so dusty in here. What? Well, you know, Heath, we've had a lot of business ideas. Oh, man. Remember, remember, remember, both times we tried to be surgeons. I do. And look, there's two world's fairs.

Actually, that second one is the stuff that used to be fun, but is not anymore. Right. Remember that? The hand job joke. I like that joke. I did too. I feel like it didn't land.

Like in the episode, felt like it was busy. Busy, yeah, it was busy. Yeah, it was busy. Yeah, like it needed to be isolated more. In the, okay, Gary Gullman isolated. Hey, oh, he's checking out, checking out. Wow, the self-workoutator that killed Tom, or I think maybe it killed Noah. Oh yeah, it might have been, it's hard to remember.

So I wanna kill it. But look at this, hey, at the center of it all, the Omega Protocol. Wow, our last resort for a career of podcasting doesn't work out. Becoming all my YouTubers. Yep. Oh man.

Wow. Whew. I hope the patrons never run out. Yeah, me too. But great to have a backup, exactly. Yes. Hey, look at this joke I to have a backup. Exactly. Yes. Hey, look at this joke I wrote for it. Ready?

Trans people, more like I want to be a trained people. That's not funny and it's evil. Right? We're going to be fine. We will, yes. We'll be fine. I'm not going to vote blue in November. Sorry, no, I didn't This is crazy. We should have stuff to talk about right? Yeah, right. We we must I I like you I like you too. We're just in our heads here. We just got exactly it. We're just in in our heads

We both I mean we both do sound stuff. Yes, yes, yes sound stuff exactly like what programmer you using to add it now Audacity oh Yeah, I'm in I'm in Pro Tools Pro Tools. Yeah, all right cool. How how? How is that? Oh, it's good. I think the keystrokes really speedy things up. It's really pretty quick. Yeah How's how's Audacity? It's good. It's- it does the job. Does the job. Yeah. You should like consider switching to Brotals.

It's like the thing that a lot of editors are using. Audacity is fine for me. It uh... Does the job. Sure. Sure. Does the job. Sure, sure. That's the job. Been eight pro. Yep. You want to go find Heath in Eli?

Yeah, that or I'm going to jump out of the car. Yeah. I'm telling you guys, Tom would not go looking for us in an old mine. Why would that happen? No, he sees's got a point. Mines have gold, children dying minds. There's lots of reasons Tom would be here. Oh shit, what was that sound?

Yeah, it was like an explosion or something. It was like an explosion. Like you think maybe it was a duck doing an impersonation of an explosion? What does that mean? Okay, you know what I meant when I said... Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys.

I saw a plunger thingy and it turned out to be connected to some dynamite. And now I just... I can't see out of one of my eyes. Is there something in it? Or... Jesus, fuck. I'm gonna be sick. Wait, what's...

What's... The abri action is alarming. What is wrong? Is there something in my eye? Mm-hmm. Um... You could say... What is it? What is wrong? Is there something in my eye? Mm-hmm. Um... You could say that. What is it? What is it?

Chee-ch. It's like a rod or something. Finneus gauges. More referencing. Oh, God, excellent. That's the one. Okay. You can't see it. It's in my eye. How the hell can I see it? Okay. Okay.

Mr. Pratantic. Okay. Where exactly is it now See it? It's in my eye. How the hell can I see it? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Where exactly is it now? Where? It's in your eye. It's where your eye used to be.

Fuck. I used my eyes for seeing stuff. I need my eyes. Yeah, my eyes. That's what I used to. Okay. Mr. Pedantic.

I know her. I want to tilt my head back like this. What is happening back there? He, he, don't, don't, hang your coat on that. What am I supposed to do? I'm just gonna carry it around in my arms all day, like an idiot. Yeah, it's warm.

Super warm. Gonna wrap it around my waist and then it's gonna get sweaty. My back. Get this out of my head. She's like, get the coin. Get the coin and just pull it out. No, I'll do it. I'll do it. One'll do it one second.

See, so hold still. Yes, hold! Yeah! That is really hot. There it is. It's super hot, do I? There it is. Oh, God.

David. God. Is it bad? No, I didn't leave. Let me, I'll put some cotton up there. There you go. Where was that? Yeah, and here here put this on.

Put this eye patch on that I had. Eye patch, key, yeah. Oh, sweet, sweet. It's less braided than eye patch. I could be a congressman from Houston. It's pretty much huge. Okay, Mr. Panantik. And yeah, yeah, I'll go get another clone.

Okay, series of doors here. Let's just start at one end. And I say the evils of the bottle are two minutes of name and two common to a new prohibition. Nope, hard pass. Nope. Chicago fire. Nope.

Fiending, meunding, fiending. He infielding me and in fiending he infunded me Finlay that's where that went I was nobody's looking for Shels of books what do they call this? B-b-b-book shall we place um Library that's it. It's a library thing. Sir, please keep it down. You have to like narrate all of your actions. Maybe don't do that. It's an audio medium.

I mean, how are people supposed to know what I'm doing up in the narration? I'm fair point, but can you please just do it a little quieter? Sure, I guess what is this place? Shh, it is the Chuck Tingle National Archive. Ah. Pounded in the butt by my own podcast archive retrospective. Is that all you need, sir, just to find out where you were, is that it?

Yeah, but I mean, actually, do you know where the other doors go in the hall here? Do I look like I know what happens outside a library? Wow. Okay. Snippy. No. Sorry for taking up all your time there. Jesus. Well, I am very busy here. Doing what? Really? Well, I have to tilt my head, look over my glasses of people and sigh. Well, great. Cause you just did all three of those to me. Like I said, it's a busy day today, sir. as you just did all three of those to me. Like I said, it's a busy day today, sir. I hear, but what is that?

Horses? Oh my God, look at the battlefield. It's gotta be 1,000 yards by 750 yards. Oh man, the past smells bad. Look at that hailed you over there. And the stakes at the ground at a 45 degree angle. That looks closer to 33 to me, actually. Cool, yeah, I wanted you to take out your protractor

and measure them. You know what, a lot of people carry protractors around. He's not a nerds carry protractor. Okay. I would recognize this place anywhere. This is Aging Core. What's up? Cecil, Cecil, come back, bud.

Cecil. So, this is the best stare! Give me that sore! Alright, uh, what do we do now? Uh, I think it's pretty obvious. Get the fuck off that horse! I've been waiting for this! My whole life! Oh! Yeah, I just grab a bow and set up back here maybe? Okay, well I'm not doing bad. Come on, you hate the French! That's perfect.

I need Haldren's dammit! I can that. You hate the French. That's perfect. I need Paul Drans dammit. I can't go into battle bare shoulder. That's ridiculous. You're right. I do you know I do hate the fresh out out splinter splinter Damn it. Is it too much to ask though that we brought into a good fucking timeline like First telescope that was ever invented. I don't even know what we're supposed to do with these things. Like, is this a bow? Because I can't pull the string back. If this is a bow, I can't do it.

I think these ones, I think they're like a harp. You know what I'm saying? Like, hold on. Where is my spy? Oh, okay. Get a wimp in the strap, you slacker. Maybe I visit an interesting astronomer or something, but no! We go back to some stupid battle. It hurts my hand, I'm not doing this.

Yeah. Let's just bail. Yeah. See, so we're leaving for a better timeline. What? This is the best thing in my life, and you're ruining it! All of you, you're ruining it! Got you, Chuss. Got you up with us, buddy.

Yeah, we'll see you. Stupid... Catch us. Catch up with us buddy. Yeah, we'll see you. Stupid podcast filled with the learning. Where even am I? Elf Tom, you just missed your friends. What? How I did? Your show did. Have some wine. Who are you again? Oh me? I am everyone's favorite satession-needed character, French wine guy.

Not to be confused with Mary Curie. Welcome to the Battle of Aging Car. It looks like it's over. Oh no, everybody is just lying down for an afternoon nap. It is after all almost to be in. And then we fight for our lives. Historically, that actually checks. Right? I smell salt! Ooh, a rigging-I can climb! Weeeee! I'm climbing it!

This is a ship! Run a ship! I like this one. Which one? There's been so many ships! Well, I didn't let me just start the essay then. I mean, we're not gonna find Tom, and we have to get moving! No one wants to hear dumb essay! Well, my drinking buddy's missing. We're not gonna find Tom and we have to get moving. No one wants to hear dumb essay. Well, the drinking buddy's missing.

We're not doing that yet. It'd be though, like the SS Eastland, maybe the Victoria. Oh, okay, wait, wait, one, any animate and or inanimate object you're around while you drink is your drinking buddy. Like that, we all love the shopping car on your end table at home.

Oh, believe Mr. Spinney out of this and he is a great friend. The insurance, maybe, or the CSS planter? PS General Sloka, maybe. And, and two, everyone wants to hear about the fucking atrustkins. Just listen to this first paragraph. The mining and commerce of metal,

especially copper and iron, led to the enrichment of the atrustkins and to the expansion of their influence in the Italian peninsula and the Western Mediterranean Sea. Huh? Come on, tell me you don't want to hear more of that. I do not want to hear more of that. Maybe it's the James Care. No, it's a little smoke, the HMS treadmill?

You could be part of the red flag fleet, maybe. That's a little... Ahoiimi-mainis! Get ready to suck the big dick of my bestie motherfucking black beard Y'as okay, it's it's the revenge. It's the revenge Eli get down from there. Did you're gonna hurt yourself trying to swing on to the deck? Yeah, and you you could just step down you're like 18 inches off the deck right now Mr. Spinney's helped me get through lots of tough times? Everybody, this- Both a Ram Job, Semi-Ainals, Fist forward into the night!

WHAAAAT? See, I told you. I told you. Oh, I missed Mr. Spinney. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, hand, kiss it. Kiss it, make it better, Cecil. Kiss it, make it better. Get your fucking hand out of my face. What-what happened?

Uh, the rope slipped and it stings. That's because your skin has never seen daylight before. Fair point. I think I might love him. What? What? No, I gotta make a call. I gotta make a call.

I'll be back. Well, we might as well try this door. Don't, I guess, right? No, don't open that one. He's just don't, wait, why? Why not? You don't want to go in there. Yeah, just leave that one closed.

Why don't you, like, there's a multitude of doors open, any of those, just open any of those. Why are you guys being weird? You're being weird. What? What now? Okay, you're saying everything in weird. What's back there?

Nothing. Yeah, nothing. You're still doing it. I mean, there's nothing back there. I don't know what, nothing. Is it the secrets to 9-11? Is that what's back there? No.

Out of my way, is it MK Ultra? I know it's something cool. Go in there, no, it's not. Is it what really happened to Princess Die? It is not, no. No. The clitoris. No.

You think a clitoris is behind a wooden door? Do you even know what a clitoris is? Yeah. I've read books. Is Jimmy Hoffa? No, it's not Jimmy Hoffa. Okay, screw this. I'm going in there. You cannot keep the truth from me.

I'm going in. I would not do that. Oh, God. Oh, God, the smell. What is this? Told you. Oh, what? Guys, what'd you do?

That's my jankamaking lab. Why would you just say that? Then you wouldn't have barged in there and crashed into it high five now. Okay. Okay. That's fair. Oh, that was good. That was good. Oh, there's so much jankham. This all. Heath. Hey, maybe Noah.

Roughly the first two. Remember Tom, when the clock strikes four. That's it. I know where they are, I know where they are. Cause like, she only got to use the face thing one time. Just one time. No, I know, look, I'm saying I would watch it. Oh, for sure.

Yeah, me too. I'm watching that. Guys, Tom, buddy, where you been, buddy? Fucking everywhere. I saw a ghost. I visited Markey. Mark, I traveled through time, but then I realized you'd all be back in the studio at 4 p.m. When the clock strikes four. Oh, you mean for Eli's four o'clock?

Who? It's exactly, do not go in there. A lot of blood, a lot of blood with that one. Go to the doctor. No? Okay, okay, but no, guys, guys, Tom is back. We're all here. Can I finally do my essay?

Hey, you know what, Noah? Buddy, I would love to hear about the Etruscans. Yeah, go ahead, buddy. Sure, why not? I am down, go ahead. Yeah. Okay. All right, here we go. 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc

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1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc So what did you guys think? I wasn't listening. Did you do it? Did you do a thing? About what?

It was totally zoned out. I was zoned out. Did you guys know Twink you do a thing about what was totally zoned out? I was zoned out. You get some twinkies float. They do. You can bob well. Mr. Spinney. Look, it's only 25 minutes long. Everybody will know it's a gag episode before they even start listening. Yeah, it's the atrustance episode. It comes out April 1st. I'm pretty sure they're going to figure this out. Yeah. It's too much of a giveaway. Well, there's no way we're going to milk this bit for another six or seven minutes, Cecil. So unless you want to just replay the last couple minutes of the episode and artificially inflate the runtime, I don't even know why we're talking about it.