Citation Needed - The Fall of Tenochtitlan

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

The Fall of Tenochtitlan, the capital of the Aztec Empire, was a decisive event in the Spanish conquest of the empire. It occurred in 1521 following extensive manipulation of local factions and exploitation of pre-existing political divisions by Spanish conquistador Hernán Cortés. He was aided by indigenous allies, and his interpreter and companion La Malinche. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

I can't believe you're not going to talk about my birthday on the show Eli for the last time our show comes out on a delay if we talk about your birthday on the episode people won't hear about it till three weeks from now at least so do this one first. Just move around. We can just move the order of the episodes around. This is so unfair. We took a whole birthday episode last December. Do you mean Christmas? Oh? So Jesus gets a birthday episode, but I don't what kind of atheist are you see so he holds still?

No, no, I will not be holding still do it. Do we have rope? Do we have any rope? Hey guys, hey you like what was the matter? No, it's it's nothing you guys are doing Pre-socializing is so let me don't let guys are doing pre-socialinating. It's only me. Don't let me run it. Come on, buddy. What's wrong? It's just, I don't know.

I thought you guys would do something special for my birthday. And Cecil says we can't even mention it. So it's, it's fine. What were sacrificing heath because of the Aztecs. Yeah, man. Did you, do you want to stab him? Sure. I mean, I guess. Surprise!

Surprise! Ah! Ah! A cupcake in Heath's chest cavity, you guys did remember. That'd be birthday, buddy. Yeah, man, having birthday. How are you still alive?

Yeah, turns out I was using surprisingly few of my organs. At tracks. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. The podcast where we choose to subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'm going to be leading this reconnaissance enforcement to do that. I'm going to need a force. First up, two men who got demoted from the cavalry when they refused to move anyway, but up to an over one, heath and seesaw.

Okay, the anal beads told me that's how to move. Chast feels like the ultimate anal gateway game. Almost all the pieces are buttplug shaped, man. Right? That's true. That's true. Everything is buttplug shaped. No, let's say almost all of them, like two of them aren't, but if you're a pro, they are. You know what I mean? Yeah, we're just going on in. Yeah, Vee versus Barstey.

And also, Jordan, is tonight two men that Monizuma has taken more than enough revenge on Eli and Tom. Yeah, at this point, I freak out when I have a solid shit. I'm like, whoa, it's like a whole. You know, honestly, I don't even mind. Like, at least I can hide from the kids while I turn myself inside out. Oh, there you go. That's true.

There you go. Now, before we get started tonight, I want to remind everybody that it's sometimes harder than you would think to finance a comedy show that occasionally uses genocide for a topic. And that's why we need our patrons. If you'd like to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us Eli, what person

placed thing concept phenomenon event or genocide will be talking about today? We'll be talking about the destruction of techno villain and the fall of the Aztec Empire. Look, I don't want to go all heath and everything, but the person you should not have nominated to tell us on your talk. It's me. Bear. All right. So, Cecil, you chose this topic. So this episode's mostly your fault. Are you ready to take the blame? I'm ready to take my lumps with an obsidian paddle.

Oh, that'll make sense. Yeah. So, I mean, that willingness comes in handy. All right. So I guess the best place to start here is with Tenacitlan itself. So what can you tell us about the city? So the city of Tenacitlan was at its height, the largest city in pre-conquistedore Americas. It housed over 140,000 Aztecs. Now, the term Aztec

is a debated scholarly term, but for us, we'll be using it to talk about the people that inhabited the city of Tin Octetland. While the date of the city's founding is not known, the people who live there now decided it was 1325. So it'll be 700 years old and three years time. Yeah, I hope that's not how it works though. See, still because the US Republican party has decided it's 1954 and they seem really resistant to changing that view. But the good news is that they keep going in that direction eventually. They'll get back to 1865, which is the last time they didn't suck. So, Tenochtitlan is actually still around today. It's located in the heart of Mexico's city. It was an island city during the Aztec Empire, who was connected to the mainland with draw bridges. The traffic in the city used canoes on a network of canals. The food was grown on large

floating gardens. They had a complex aqueduct system that brought fresh water to the city, because the water in the lake basin was brackish. Why build a city on an island surrounded by brackish water? That's a great question. These people were going to ask that. I knew it. So I wrote the question. The answer here is prophesy. Oh, it's meant. It's prophecy. Yes. The Aztec people had a legend.

The ancient prophecy that their wandering tribe would quote, find the destined site for a great city whose location would be signaled by an eagle with a snake in its beak perched a top a cactus. And quote, that image of the eagle snake and cactus is actually what's on the Mexican flag today. There's only three things in the desert, Cecil. How unlikely is that happens? There's nothing else there.

They wonder how long they wandered either. I don't think it was like a Moses level of wandering, but I think they wandered for a while. Were they coming across these things stacked in the wrong order before? Oh no, it's a cactus on top of the snake. When they come across this confluence of weird things happening simultaneously, it was happening on an island in the middle of the lake. And that was the site of their future capital. If that's the prophecy, I feel like you find a good spot for the city and then just wait there until the Eaglet say you have it because they're all the dead. That's the only thing that you feel like it's just like Aztec me pouring sweat trying

to keep up with this wandering drive. I'm taping together. And it's it's look just it's it's it's it's it's it's it's just like okay, everyone

we're now traveling through the shit swamps of poison mushroom they yeah. So if anyone sees an eagle at all, just kill it. Just the eagle. No looking at cactuses today, guys. Now we we could do a whole less a or several

on the Aztec people, but I'll leave all the nitty gritty for another day in order to understand some of the things that occur in the story. We do need to know a little bit about their culture. The first thing that we need to understand is that ritual use of human sacrifice. Their religion simply required humans to be sacrificed for all kinds of reasons. For instance, they would sacrifice people to ensure that the sun would rise the next day or to help increase the size of their harvest that year. Oh, the harvest maybe I can kind of see, but didn't the adverse feel stupid the first time they forgot to murder someone and the sun was like, Didn't the adverse feel stupid the first time they forgot to murder someone and the sun was like, yeah, that wasn't really my thing.

I don't need that. I'm sorry, wait, unless they're composting them, I don't see why you're carving out an exception for her. I don't know why that one. I like a yearly thing. No, I'm just, I feel like it loses its punch points every day, you know? All right. No, I'm just, I feel like it loses its punch. It's every day, you know? All right. No, that's fair. For greed. They would sacrifice people that they took captive in battle, which meant that

the way they fought was influenced by this objective. The number of people sacrificed is debated, but one source says 80,000 prisoners were sacrificed in four days when they consecrated the great pyramid in that city. That's a lot of people. Quote, other estimates placed the number of human sacrifices at between a thousand and 20,000 annually. And quote, the most common form of sacrifice was heart removal. After the heart was dug out of the body, and this ritual of course was started when the person was still alive, they would throw the body down the temple stairs where Indian short round looked down

and horror. Cecil, seriously, this story is heart wrenching. Clearly. Okay. Let me be the first to say Cecil, I don't know where you're getting your racist information, but TikTok told me long ago that Native Americans lived in perfect peace and harmony before colonizers came along and they only amused themselves through natural medicine that worked and gay partners.

So yeah, just throwing that out there and alternate perspective. Absolutely. So we got to mention it for sure. Yeah. Or we'll just get it. Like someone's going to tweet at us for like six straight days. Yeah, luckily we won't get any tweets now. The Aztec also had a warrior class called the Asalot.

These warriors wore Jaguar costumes, which they sort of served as their armor. They wore them so that the spirit of the Jaguar would give them strength in their battles. The armor was mostly thick padding with some animal hide portions on it. Okay, you know the new guy was getting stuck with like fucking squirrel when they're short on the Jaguar. One guy's like, guys, are you sure we don't want to be the rhino warriors or hey, hey, how about we're the tree warriors because they're just big cats guys. And their football team sucks. Guy, I just so hope that that ages. The helmet was wooden and so was their shield.

Their main weapon was a giant paddle looking thing called a Makwa Quital. It looks like a cricket bat with teeth. The paddle parts made wood and the teeth that adorn the outside of it are actually obsidian, which is a ridiculously sharp volcanic rock. Obsidian-adged weapons can be many times sharper than even the best steel scalples. The cross section of a blade is 30 angstroms And an angstrom is 100 millionth of a set. Jesus Christ. These super sharp chunks of rock were brittle though. They could do tremendous damage to someone who was lightly armored or not armored at all. All right. Basically invented plank of wood with a nail in it. Pretty good on the arms race for a while, I guess. Fine, Paul it.

The S-tex were also many different groups of people that were basically conquered and brought into the empire. They, what started out as a small group of people when the capital of Tanokta, Lenn was founded turned out to be a thriving empire 200 years later. By all accounts, the S-tex were pretty brutal. Of course, sacrificing their enemies, but also ruling through power and intimidation, which can get you some enemies. Right. Yeah. There's like Jesus, could you guys just use normally sharp rocks? Do you have to,

you got to go fucking angstrum with your shit? Jesus. Use a nail. You guys are great. It's ridiculous. Now, there are two sides in every conflict. And the person responsible for the You said nail, you guys are great. Now there are two sides in every conflict. And the person responsible for the destruction of Tanook Titlan is someone we will be at least passingly familiar with. The conquistador, Hernán Cortez. Cortez was born in Medellín, Spain in 1485 in a family of low nobility. He looks like, well,

let me just read you his physical description from the account of the conquest of the Aztec empire. Quote, he was of good stature and body, well proportioned and stocky. The color of his face was somewhat gray, not very cheerful, and a longer face would have suited him

more. His eyes seems at times loving and at times grave and serious. He's been nagging him. He's weird. His beard was black and sparse as was his hair, which at the time he sported in the same way as his beard. He had a high chest and a well shaped back and was lean with a little belly. And it's pretty much exactly my dad when he was on. That's right.

Yeah, strangely accurate. Yeah, that's the most I'm trying not to insult the guy, but I'm also trying to be honest description. I feel like he was flirting whoever wrote that. I feel like it was backhanded flirting Cort. I feel like it was a new backhanded flirting. Cortez heads to the new world and participates in lots of plunder. Now there's a complicated history between Cortez and his boss Diego Velasquez, the first governor of Cuba. After first hitting it off and conquering Cuba together, their relationship deteriorated.

In 1519, Velasquez gave Cortez command of an expedition to conquer the mainland of Mexico. He gathered 11 ships and about 500 men, 13 horses, several cannon. And at the last minute, Blasquez revoked Cortez's charter, but Cortez just does it anyway in an active open mutiny. Yeah, because you know what genocidal colonizers need office drama. All right, but what the fuck else was he going to do with 11 ships 500 men 13 horses in a bunch of cannons like open a fucking panera? What? Now let's talk about what Cortez is packing when he lands on the Eucatan Peninsula in February of 1519.

He has, of course, soldiers with metal armor. The soldiers at the time for the Spanish had metal helmets with wide brims on them. They had metal breastplates, which covered their entire chest and stomach. Some had chainmail vests instead of breastplates. Now, there were not people just walking around the jungle in full plate, but the people on horseback were more heavily armored than the foot soldiers with poldrons and leg armor, as well as bracers and gloves. And Cecil, can you remind me which is stronger? Is it metal or lepreth? Which do we make the buildings out of these days? Oh, okay, so I'm betrayed.

My ignorance here, but I feel like if anybody needs more armor, it's not the dudes five feet up on a 1200 pound biological motorcycle. No, along with steel armor, they also had steel weapons. While the armor, the natives wore worked well against the Aztec death paddles. It was not as effective against steel swords. The steel weapons, while not as sharp, were harder, not as brittle, and were heavy enough to cut through leather cloth along with the wooden armor in the shields. Spanish also brought with them crossbows, which could penetrate this kind of armor from a hundreds of yards away. Well, boys, looks like we're going to be fighting some kind of, I know where cat people.

So whenever you don't throw them, they'll just land on their feet. Hashtag warriors lying there with an arrow in his stomach, whatever. How many extra ones is this arrow anyways? Probably probably way more than 30, idiot. Way more. One conkeysed a door that took like a kush ball on the end of his sword and all the cat people are squatting out it. And they go, why they can't stop themselves.

Laser pointer. They're worried about an ambush. Should they start shaking a bag of food. All the cat people start shaking their butts. It's crazy. I mentioned the horses already, and this is a huge deal is there were no riding animals or cavalry in the Americas pre-Europeans. Only if you discount a little historical document called the Book of Mormon season. Did they say they had horses? Yes. Multiple types.

And swords and stuff. Alright. Some of these tight as a dish. She's a crude coffee machines. There's a lot of shit. We also talked about how important cavalry are in battles throughout history. So we can't overstate how important they were to people who had no equivalent force. The Spanish also brought war dogs with

them. Now, the Spanish don't mention these much at all in the source material, but the Aztecs at the time do mention them because they were like, what the fuck? These were big dogs covered in spiky armor that would just latch onto the natives and tear out their throats. That's awesome. I mean, this bike, the armor, you got to admit, that makes it seem extra fun, right? Like I'm picturing pugs with a spanish accent, just the people themselves, the people like a torpedo. That's awesome. Spanish also brought primitive firearms and cannons while these guns were a bitch to load weren't rifled.

So they shot for shit. We're super heavy and unwieldy. They were also fucking loud. So again, these weren't so much weapons that devastated the battlefield with their destruction and death toll per se. They were scary for people who hadn't seen them before. And a cannon may only kill one or two people, but it going off could scare the opposing side enough into a route. Holy shit. That big ball of metal wasn't sharp at all. Guys, we've been thinking about this

all wrong. I'm talking straight up drawing board right now. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, I always get emotional when Jaguars are about to get routed. So I'm going gonna be the minute to compose myself. And while I do that, we're gonna toss it over to a little app for a pooh of nothing. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ But if you just order a tortilla with beans and cheese on the app, bam, 50 cents. It's like 50 cents.

Right, yeah, that's not a hack though. That's just using a mistake in the app to steal from triple-layer. That's stealing, it's a hack, it's a hack. I'm not a hack. It's not a hack, that's not a hack. Oh, yeah. Macala-balla-balla.

Sorry, what? How's this? is this better? Yeah, totally. Oh my god. Who are you? I'm actually just here to take all your stuff. What? No, don't. Yeah, no, I figured you would say that. Dude, you just shot my friend with your finger? Yeah finger gun. Everyone's got one in the future. Okay, well, that's not fair. Just, just because you have fancy future weapons, you can't come and take all of our stuff. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and I'm gunna. But hey, if it makes you feel any better,

you're going to die at COVID-27, which I gave you as soon as this conversation started. That does not make me feel better. I mean, it's, wow, will your children at least be ashamed of your behavior? Not really, no. But in like 700 years, we'll make a law that they're not allowed to read about it in case they would get ashamed. And we're back when we last left off a bunch of conquistadors route to conquist.

So how that go for him, see? Well, in Cortez lands on the mainland, he actually runs into a spaniard Franciscan priest named Geronimo de Aguilar. Aguilar was shipwrecked, captured by the Mayans and then escaped, but he knew a little of the local language well enough to be Cortez's translator. He heads to Tabasco and he starts his little conquering tour. Nobody's going to say Kelly into it. I almost said it, but it was just a hair.

Come on, guys. No, no, he's going to address the Tabasco's a place. I even put a beat in. I was like, let me just do it. I'll just do the line again. He heads to Tabasco. Kelly into it. Thank you. I'll just do the line again. He heads to Tabasco. Polly and Ted. Thank you. He's that's a saw and he starts.

He's a little cocking tour. They beat the names there. They give him 20 young women and he converts them to Christianity. And one of them, La Melanache, I don't know if I'm saying that correctly, becomes his mistress, mother to his son, and his Aztec translator through Aguilar, meaning he has to talk to Aguilar, then Aguilar has to talk to La Melanash, and finally, she talks to the Aztecs. Hey, Aguilar, please tell my wife to tell the Aztecs that we have spike dogs and that she has orgasms. You're passive aggressive translation chain there. They start making their way inland inland and they start fighting with the natives along

the way. They fight several battles with the Tlaxkel teka and a few other groups, but eventually make peace with them because these groups were enemies of the Aztecs and the local groups of natives hated the fucking Aztecs. I'll try to mention them a few times throughout the essay, but really it can't be overstated how much help and how much of the Spanish allied force was indigenous enemies of the Aztecs. That's the main well, the Spanish had a couple thousand people. The indigenous people had something like 200,000 troops. Yeah, I'll tell you what, those subjugated locals, they fought like hell. They were all heart on the battlefield.

Well, yeah, and that's good because the other time stay fought the Aztecs, their heart wasn't really on it. So Cortez makes his way to the city of Tonok, Titlan. And when he gets there, the king of the Aztecs, another familiar name, Mactezuma, but it's also spelled Montezuma as well, comes outside of the city to meet him. They meet and Mactezuma gives Cortez a gift of a golden and silver disc calendar, which Wikipedia tells us, quote, Cortez later melted these down for their monetary value and course. I mean, that's obviously terrible, but if history tells us anything, it's that the Mayan calendar wasn't exactly

accurate. So, you know, it's, it's super hard for me not to grind this show to a halt. Well, we spent 20 minutes appreciating the brilliance of the Mayans three calendar system. It's really fucking cool. Now the Aztecs outnumbered the Spanish by an astronomical amount. The Spanish had like 600 soldiers, 15 horsemen, and maybe 15 cannon. The city with tens of thousands of warriors, and they could have easily killed them outright, but they were, there were a few things that stayed the hand of the Aztecs. The first is that it was harvest season. I guess in their culture, they didn't wage war during that time. Yeah, farming really was the heart of their community.

This is heart. The heart. Yep. Art of jokes. Paul, Paul, parts of calm. Was also believe that Montezuma invited them into the city and he showed them hospitality as a way to understand them better and learn their weaknesses. Okay.

This is excellent. Just them riding a tandem bike together. Cross and streams while they pee together and laugh about it. Standing back to back. Sorry. Keith, when you picture friendship, the second thing that comes to mind is crossing the street. The white we've done that.

You and I have done that. But not it wasn't the second thing we did. Very friendly. Feeding each other grapes. What's yours? eating each other grapes. What's yours? There's a possibility that the Aztecs also thought Cartes was the living embodiment of one of their gods, but modern historians contest this. Well, I mean, see this how we've already described it. And it's looking like he's cancer-ridden father. Yeah. Oh my God. It's the same thing to contest. He was almost done

with the cancer. The chemo worked of it's post cancer and father. So you're saying never looked bad. That was a compliment. It was positive. He beat, he beat that one anyway. Then he died of a different cancer. What's happening? In any case, they come into the city and after a few days of hospitality, they basically capture the leader of the Aztecs in his own city and hold him hostage. It sounds like from what I read that mocked Azuma actually wanted a broker piece with the Spanish. And it also seems that while he was basically a prisoner in part of the city, Cortez let him do just mostly go about his daily life. I'm telling you about my friends, they were definitely doing front stuff and singing.

Riding penny farthing doubles together. That's it. Now it's a penny farthing. This goes on for a couple of weeks and it really isn't clear what the end game was, but Cortez eventually gets word at the city that the governor that he mutinyed against sent several ships full of soldiers to arrest him and take over his command. Tartus and Montezuma. Oh, shit. Okay. So you remember how I told you my dad was an angel spy and my mom was a super model? Well, their car just pulled up and none of that

was true. I need to be super, super cool. Okay, dude. I can't believe I cross streams with you. Cortez leaves Montezuma in the hands of one a his lieutenants and 200 of his men. And he heads out with the rest of his troops to his reserve force that he left by the boats. When he gets to the ships, he overcomes the captain of that mission. There aren't a lot of notes here on that, but it doesn't sound like his force fought all out with the landing party. And instead he basically persuaded the reinforcement troops to join him. But then Cortez scuttles the ships so there can be no

retreat. And they march on to knock to land. Matt still seems very short-sighted. Good news, boys. We've defeated the enemy so we can plunder their lands. Any of you guys know how to build an entire ship though from scratch. Our materials are melted golden calendars, cactuses and very sharp rocks. Look, we're not leaving the recital early and to make sure I have set the car on fire. Why? I have set the car on fire. I heard back at the city, his lieutenant is invited to a ritual. Now the account of this differ, but the Spanish account is that they were led into the arena for a ritual and they realized that the Aztecs were about to sacrifice several people so they

attacked the assembled crowd, killing a bunch of the Aztec aristocracy. Aztecs say that the Spanish came in, saw the gold they were wearing and were driven mad by greed and killed the assemble Aztecs and stole their shit. It sounds right. It sounds like they basically retreated to a part of the city afterward with Maktizuma still under their control. Okay, either way, the reason for doing a small massacre during a human sacrifice during an attempted genocide. It's just a weird argument. I don't think anybody wins. Also the plot of mostly Amnesian movies.

Yeah. There you have it. And watching when Cortez returned, he came into the city and I guess all hell broke loose. There's an outright rebellion and the Spanish decide to see if they can get the Aztec leader, mocked a Zuma to get the crowd to settle a fuck down. mocked a Zuma goes out to talk to the masses.

According to Spanish, the crowd stone him to death. He's wearing the Aztecs. The Spanish killed him because he couldn't calm the crowd. Either way, homeboys dead, they basically have no more bargaining chip and they have to play the city. Now, many of the Spanish have to swim to safety, but the load of gold that they found is too tempting and they decide to swim to safety with it. They drown.

They drown. They drown. Cortez claimed that 150 of his troops died either drowning or getting carved up as the rear guard during the retreat. Okay. I get they want to take the gold, but was it mostly like anklets that they locked on? The gold ones that's not working.

All right, fine, then I guess I'll have to reconsider our kettlebells, swim mate. You know, history really does help us understand our world. The Aztec troops vastly outnumbering the Spanish and their allies chase them, hoping to eradicate the army from the land completely. They caught up to the Spanish and their allies at Otumba, which is a large plane outside the city and the two forces fought. Now, this is where the things I mentioned earlier come into play. First, the Aztecs have no fucking idea what to do against a cavalry charge and they're getting eaten up by the horses. Then they also just didn't have weapons that they could really do much damage with to

the Spanish. There are obsidian clubs, while sharp would be completely useless after one hit against the steel because they would shatter. The battle eventually takes a very hard turn when the Aztecs main commander was lanced on the battlefield. While it wasn't around after that, the Aztec morale was shaken and they eventually lost. Yeah, also, they're go to problem solving strategy of human sacrifice. Wasn't really making things easier for it. Okay, sir, I pushed Steve in front of an oncoming horse in a panic. Does that count as human sacrifice or a movement?

Asking for the sun. How the crop's doing? Now there is one more weapon that's Spanish brought with them, a devious biological weapon called smallpox. See, the Native Americans didn't have livestock to share diseases with and super charges germs so they could get sick, but also develop some immunity. Smallpox devastated the area, killing a huge percentage of the empire. It also devastated Spanish, but just not as bad. Yes, yes, but at least they didn't live in fear, Cecil. They went to Ruby

Tuesdays whenever they wanted not wearing a mask. Damn it. Cortez returned to to noctitlan, having lost part, but not all of his forces. He worked his way around the city, capturing any small towns in the area until he basically owned all the territory around the island. Once he controlled that, he cut off the aqueducts that led to the city and he started the siege. On the lake, he cut off the aqueducts that led to the city, and he started the siege. On the lake, he had his men construct multi-sale boats called brigantines. They stopped anyone from getting supplies into the city and also prevented anyone from escaping. The Aztecs would sometimes get in canoes and try to fight these ships.

One battle was 13 slups versus a thousand canoes. The canoes lost. Okay, boss, I get our cricket bats with broken glass are kind of like oars in shape. That's, that's nothing. They have really big boats. They're just going to slowly bump it to us like they have star man and we're gonna lose like 13 against 1000 men. This is our last stand against the Spanish except obviously don't stand in the canoes or you'll see over. The siege lasted 75 days and it was basically blocked by block fighting between the two forces. The Aztecs would fight and capture the Spanish if they could and then they would take the prisoners up to the temple, tear out their hearts and ritual sacrifice and throw their bodies down the stairs. The Spanish and their allies eventually routed the Aztec forces and burned much

of the city to the ground. The amount of murdering the Spanish did here is referred to as a genocide. The canals in the city had something like 40,000 bodies in them. They killed between 100,000 and 240,000 people. The new Aztec leader tried to flee, but was captured and they tortured him looking for more gold. They took all the plundered art and they melted it down. The capital was in ruins. The aristocracy of the Aztec empire was almost all dead. The rest of the Aztec warriors fled and the indigenous allies in the Spanish

continued their killing across the countryside. It took three years, but with his allies, Cortez destroyed not only the city of Tenochtitlan, but the entire Aztec empire. Cortez would spend all his money on future expeditions and eventually die, shitting himself silly with dysentery. So mocked a Zuma got his revenge. There it is. Nice. All right. So if you had a summarize what you learned in one sentence, what would it be? Guns, germs, steel and 200,000 indigenous allies is not as good a book title.

No, that's fair. It's just not as good. And are you ready for the quiz? Let's do it. All right. See, so the colonial depressors were so obsessed with right, Cecil, the colonial suppressors were so obsessed with gold. They were willing to let it destroy them. Who do they sound like? A, preppers, B, libertarians, C, sovereign citizens, D, trick question, A, B, and C are all

the same answers. It was at mono atomic goal. I feel like that's the question, right? Definitely the D time. It is always the D. All right. See, so I got one for you. Which of the following is a true thing about Aztec history?

A, the English words for tomato, chili, avocado, tamale, taco, and chocolate. All have roots in Nahuatl, the Aztec language. B, the Aztecs were one of the first societies to have mandatory public education for kids. C, Aztec women were able to own property, which puts them about 500 years ahead of America. Or D, this is my favorite one. The Aztecs played an amazing sport called Ola Malitzli, which is their version of a family of sports called the Mesoamerican ball game that dates back to 1650 BCE. The Aztec version was a common, it's obviously this one. I'm going to tell you about this sport. Also, fine. Also, maybe the other ones, the Aztec version was a combination of racquetball,

volleyball, basketball, hip-checking like in hockey and beer pong. It was played inside a large netless volleyball court with side walls, and each team has to hit a rubber ball back to the other side before it bounces three times. And people died playing the sport. The ball was solid rubber and weighed up to nine pounds. Oh my God. And in the traditional version of the sport, you can only hit the ball with your hips or, you know, you're like ass and crotch areas like general hip area. A nice and rubber ball with your junk nine pound rubber ball. Yeah. And some of the Aztec courts, they added one extra feature. They put stone hoops along the side walls at the midline, like where the top of the

poles that hold a volleyball, that would go. But unlike basketball hoop, it was vertical with an opening facing each team. And if anyone was able to, you know, crotch bump the nine pound solid rubber ball, who is that hoop? And into the other teams area, that would win the match immediately, regardless of the score. So you're kind of like a death cup in Gearpunk. That's what Jesus. I know you're trying to lure me in with D, but I actually think it's B the Aztecs with the first of the societies to mandatory, to have mandatory public education for kids, but you forgot one piece. They couldn't talk about their future genocide when they did it. They're gonna laugh.

Yeah. Yeah. Critically, no, it was actually all of the above, but B was correct. Okay. And your correction is correct. I'm sure. Cortez, we'll go down in history as a genocidal villain, but he wasn't that good. A commander.

Why? A, he only won on as technicality. I like it. I like it. This whole thing could have worked itself out in the Montezou meeting. Oh, I see his soldiers like. Oh Eli, I'm going to say the one is at D all of the above because they were also very good. That is wrong. It's, yeah, it's obviously A, it looks like we've got ourselves a winner in Eli because come on, as technicality is pretty fucking good. So Eli, who's gonna do next week's ass-eye?

I want a meditation on the drug war. Let's do it. You're the man to provide it. I want a meditation on the drug war Tom? Let's do it. You're the man to provide it. Alright, well for Cecil Eli Heath and Tom, I'm Noah, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then Tom will be an expert on something else. Between now and then leave us the fuck alone.

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And that, children, is when the future invasion of America began. Many would die, but the Futurians would soon rule over all of America. My Robo Daddy says the Futurians and the ancient Americans were friends. Is your Robo Daddy a republobat? Yes, yeah, figured. figured.