Citation Needed - The Finland Conspiracy

Episode Date: June 12, 2019

The Finland conspiracy states that Finland is not a real country. Not only is it not a real country but there is actually no landmass there at all, and the space between Sweden and Russia is actually empty ocean. (Source: Reddit. So you know it's legit.)   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Because no fantasy series has a good ending Harry Potter bad ending. No, the hobbit terrible ending. Wait, were you talking about the killer dragon? Yeah, no, no, they killed dragon at the middle. The end they argue about a fair way to divvy up gold after they've killed a dragon. Oh, you're right. Sh, sh, sh, here he comes, here he comes, here he comes, here he comes, shhh, shhh. Hey! Hey, buddy, what's up? No, uh! Hey, Noah!

Sit going, Noah. No, uh, guys, you're all acting weird. Weird? You're being weird. Hey, that's so weird that you would say that. What you're being weird. Hey, so weird that you would say that what Damn it Tom I quit the murder. I quit it. Come on. Okay. Okay. What the hell's going on? Why are you guys being so weird and why did a piano just fall into my chair? See we know the thing. Okay. So we were thinking maybe like the podcast who gets famous if like it. Like if you, if you were, if you died, if you died, yes, exactly. Like dopey. Remember dopey?

We were going to be cool. Not cool. What they, they were on this American life. Guys, I hate to break it to you, but this was all a giant waste. Fuck it was. Yeah. Yeah. Eli's essay this week is about how Finland doesn't exist.

Is it, it is. It's true. What? So total waste of a piano. Oh, sorry. I'm a little sorry. You think the chair's still good? Probably not.

No. Damn it. Hello and welcome to CitationNeeded, the podcast we choose to subject, we sing the article about her on Wikipedia and pretend we are experts. Cause this is the internet. That's how it works now. I'm Tom. Who are you? And I frequently regret being on this show, but I won't hide my face from the cameras alone.

Joining me today are two men whose beards are so rich and lustrous that a police sketch artist needs two pencils. Eli and Cecil. Ha, Tom, that's lovely, but actually that was because two people were describing me at the same time. I appreciate it for that. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Pencils, I grew up in mind with an airbrush. He kidding me. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And also joining us tonight are two men whose time spent online is mostly shame related related though one for doling out the shame and the other upon sober reflection of the night's browsing history Noah and he hey, okay, look if the four-year-old can't handle the fucking YouTube comments Maybe he should learn to dance better Tom That's so fucking awesome. And why would I be doing sober reflection?

That doesn't even make sense. What does that even mean? So random blue. That's you. You sound like that. Clearly, my mistake. I already attract my insult. Thank you.

All right, guys, before we start the show properly, Scotch comes from Steve. All right. Now, before we start the show properly, I'd like to take a moment and remind you that you should be a patron so that we can like you a little better. That's right. We like our patrons more than regular people because money makes everyone happy. So if you want to finally feel the warm embrace of someone,

anyone, even some fucking cooks, you don't even know, but who you strangely feel connected to online, wrap both of their warm digital arms around you, then give us some fucking money. All right, we're not in a prostitute, but we're real fucking clueless. If you'd like to learn how to join the ranks of the patrons, be sure to stick around

to the end of the show, and with that out of the way, tell us, Cecil, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or events? Well, we'll be talking about today. I tell you, I read it three times, I have no fucking idea. I read it. Thank you, baby.

I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I'm right there. I'm right there A reddit. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm right there. I'm right there. No idea. I don't know. Hard pass. Keith, what are we talking about today?

No answer. Just first answer, no answer. All right. Fuck it. Eli. Fuck, man. You invented some shit out of a whole cloth. It's sure to ruin all the hope I still had in the good of humanity.

Are you ready to lie until Noah hits you or however it makes you stop? I don't. I don't. I don't. I'm your dynamic. It's my literal job description. It's all right. Awesome. So tell us Eli. What the fuck is this man? What the? Come on. I know you say that. I'm right. And that's I venture. She's I'm about to spin a web so tight. So convincing that by the end of this essay, we'll all doubt the existence of so cool. Just you know, absolutely not. You're done. Finland. You could just buy a ticket right now. Oh, will we? What do you think? Again, they'll just know you. That's just it's you. We'll wait. What do you think is there again? They'll just know you. That's just it's you.

Just go there. We can go right now. We can all go right now. The theory of Finland's non-existence begins in the place where all true things go to die. Sarah Huckabee's mouth. You know, I say, Tation needed essay. Close.

Close. Reddit. Four years ago, the user violently average as the community quote, what did your parents show to you that you assumed was completely normal, only to later discover that it was not normal at all. End quote. The answer's ranged from the QC to the unimaginably dark,

but only one would spawn a movement, a movement of truth. Guys, can we vote on what we actually can be a topic here? Because I do not want to have to write jokes for Selena Gomez's Snapchat. I don't want to do it. Selena Gomez is actually a Ponzi scheme. She's not real. Okay. You don't learn any lies next to the essay you see.

Side note, by the way, my answer to that question about what your parents told you Is it growing up my dad would tell me bedtime stories about his friend Bert the monkey and Bert was getting into mischief Because he wanted to be my dad's best friend So if dad went to the circus Bert would like ride an elephant into the circus to try like Be my dad's best friend, but there was like never a moment in my childhood when someone was like, hey, this is a story. So I just always grew up knowing about Bert, the same way I knew about all my dad's childhood friends.

And I was like 20 when I thought to myself, I wonder how Bert the monkey is doing. Oh my God. And then I realized that he is not real and I am terrifyingly stupid. That's my answer to that. Reddit question. Okay.

So you guys are wondering, Eli, buddy, a big fun fact for you here. Cecil's not real either. We've just been invented a gaslight. You that's just I'm Noah with a different voice. So I think it's your 20 years old. You don't know whether birds real or not. And then you realize he's not real and you're terrifyingly stupid. That took until 20, not the monkey part took until 20.

I'm just very confident 19 year old Eli's striding about with his chest out. Pretty much. You just picture a bird, the monkey paws and the podcast sniffing back at here. Talk about that. Eli, what's an REO? I just picture it, Bert the monkey paws in the podcast sniffing back a tear. I'm just curious. So cookie for houses. It's a cookie for house. It's enough about me. It was Reddit user rare guns answer that would be the seed that would grow into the proverbial tree of knowledge.

Quote, my parents never believed in Finland. I grew up to never believe in Finland until I researched it further. It's a pretty heated topic in my family. And quote, okay, but surely nobody believes this on the contrary, Tom or forward slash the very conspiracy has over 27,000 members, which is about 14 times the number of people who believe that this podcast exists. No, that's not what believe means. No. Or is it? Nope.

It is not. These people are all over the place. They're on Reddit, they're on Twitter, Facebook, and in real life. And they don't believe Finland exists. They've filed hundreds of freedom of information requests, produce petitions with tens of thousands of signatures. They even organized a conference, which sadly had to be canceled. Sadly, best, best deal we could get on a big hotel was in Helsinki, but that What I wouldn't give that a seat at that conference, right? Hi everyone, I'm no illusions due to a scheduling mistake and a

Harius briefcase makes up. There been a lot of changes of plans. I'll be the MC for this weekend's convention instead of Jenny McCarthy. What's happening? Hey, look, nobody's more disappointed than me. Little house keeping to get out of the way. We didn't anticipate nearly as much need for a segue parking as we have. So the hotel is put out a reminder, you cannot park your segue in the lobby. Even if it's the travel of the future. Even if it's the travel of the future. Wait, wait a second, Eli, what are you doing here?

I just bought tickets. Of course you did. Okay, another bit of housekeeping here. The is that leprechaun ever coming back workshop is now taking place at three p.m. Because, because 12 teen is not a time, agreed to disagree leprechaun time. No, I don't know. That's the leprechaun.

This last question is just for me. Exactly. How many people here are Mormon? Uh-huh. All of you cool. That's what I thought. All right, everyone. See you at the VIP dinner with a guest speaker pit bull. What? But there's part of him is his talent. I love his talent.

We're swinging. Now, I should point out that Reddit user, Rargan has walked back speaking the original truth in an interview with Vice News. He admitted that he made it up, but he also admitted that he only did so after receiving credible death threats. So like many martyrs who bore the truth before him, he is now just another silenced voice.

To truth. That's not how silencing even works. Eli, I guess the question, the question we all have is like, violence voice. True. True. That's not how silencing even works. Eli, I guess the question, the question we all have is like, how the fuck does anybody think this was real? And why is this the essay time? Well, for that time, you have to choose to take the red pill, but I warn you, the rabbit hole goes pretty deep.

I'm gonna fucking kill you. I sincerely doubt that. I'm pretty sure Eli is trying to deduce me. Correct. Little bit. So I'm going to go ahead and get the bear mace and why do that one or Taney with a little something we like to call apropos of nothing. I Gentleman I have called you are today to make a deal. Oh What kind of a deal? Oh, dude an accent you like get out of the sketch You're not in the sky reverse racism do an accent your your regular racism just regular normal racist guys guys guys

Sorry, sorry, um what kind of a deal? What are you talking about? Uh, we create a fake country where, where the sea that divides our lands currently exists. And we use it to further our alliance and to grant both our nation's peace. Right. Right. But, but surely someone's going to notice. Will they? Comrade Tomsky. Yes, sir. You're stationed in the Eastern Front, were you not?

It was, sir, yes. Then perhaps you can show something on this map here. Yes, of course, sir, here. Where are Sweden, Iceland and Norway? Let's see, it is like around here. Maybe it's looking... Right, right, but where exactly? Which is which? Which one is which one?

Okay, so like this is the France, so Sweden would be... That will be all. That will be... Yes, sir. Okay. Oh, before you leave, Kamarad Tomsky. Oh, yes, sir. Yes. Did you spend any time in Finland while you were on the Eastern Front? Yes sir, okay. Oh, before you leave, Kamrad Tomski. Oh, yes sir. Did you spend any time in Finland while you were on the Eastern Front?

I hear the fight there was a specially trying. Oh, yes. Totally trying, very trying. Very, very, very good. Kamrad Tomski, you can go. See, gentlemen, do we have a deal? Yep, we have a deal. Yes. His name was Kamrad Tom Skie, because it was Tom.

Yeah, we got it. We got it, Eli. We got that. Big it. Your racist. Regular. Alright Eli, when we left off, depressing amount of people believe the stupidest fucking thing a random word gender to could possibly come up with.

What's the story with this pile of horseshit? What's next? The story is this Tom, you're the end of war to Japan and Russia had a big problem. They run off to their spots. They run off to their spots. One of the ones that's in off to the sides of an alliance. That's the problem. Germany wants to get this one, like, guys, it's all downhill.

So Germany was on Russia's western front and it was taking everything Russia had to hold them back. If Japan started a war on the eastern front, they were a goner. Japan had its hands full with the US and if Russia allowed the US Navy and Air Force to come from the West as well as theirself, they were a goner. Luckily, there was one thing that both of them needed. Lots and lots of fish. How is the Navy going to get across all of Russia to the other front? Like, how is that? How does that work?

Okay, pick up the boat and we put on shoulders long-ported. across all of Russia to the other front. Like, how is that? How does that work? Okay, pick up the boat and we put on shoulders long-ported. You do this. What are you fucking talking about? I think that guy's a Russian spy. Did you hear that accent? Thank you. The truth, the truth see.

So that's what I'm talking about. So they made a treaty in 1941 right there in plain sight, not to attack each other, but they also made a secret treaty as well to invent a country where the prime fishing waters in between their two nations lay to defend Japan's unguarded Western front. I changed that to lie. So you would read it right. To hide, change Japanese fishermen from US bombers and to keep Russia from a pincere attack that would doom the Soviet Union. Where do you think Japan and Russia are? Right.

This is trick question. He thought that nope, just regular question. Overruled as a bonus, Japan agreed to feed Russia's starving people with a small percentage of their secret fishy catch. The name of this fictional country only inhabited by fish. Why? Of course. How does it?

How does this help if it's a secret treaty? I don't know. It's so like US bombers would get near Japan and be like, okay, wait a minute. If they made a secret treaty and then to the fake country, and we're about to fly right into a trap that doesn't exist, I feel like maybe we shouldn't. Not today, Satan. Turn around. Turn around. All right. But Eli, you're clearly leaving out something pretty important here that, I mean, to finish fucking people, like you can find fit, are they all, you know, like, yeah, no, good question.

That'll tie it all together if he's able to answer that. I'm trying to get in here. I'm trying to get in here. Oh, Tom, you simple, simple, beautiful fool. They're not in on it. And in fact, they sell the lie better than anyone, but think about it. I mean, do you have any proof of where you live? Yes. Sure. You know, GPS, you take highway from X to Z. But if you actually lived where you thought Russia is on the map and you believe that to be real, would it make any difference?

Okay. Sorry. Just real quick. Are we, are we going to ignore that Eli just said X to Z? Really? I could ignore this whole S. Yeah, that's a first, he, that's the first time I've ever heard of flatter. They're used as Z coordinates. So. But. But.

Truth is, people who believe they're from Finland are actually from Eastern Sweden. It's gonna keep going. Western Russia and the northern parts of Estonia. You know, what? What? Japan there I

Think about the hopskipping a jump over from Japan to Sweden and think about it. What easterd Sweden? Well, yeah, Western Sweden will be hell and gone from Japan Imagine you had you had a map of the world and you gave it to blind people and then you played the telephone game for 30 people You would have Eli's idea what geography is Jesus Christ and think about it. This is a relatively easy lie to sell Changing so quickly with the war it didn't matter where you lived last week or last year. Someone came by and told you, you live in Finland now and you believe them. What the fuck are you talking about? Who came by? Japan and Russia sent around a, you live in Finland now? Yes. What

is any of this mean? There's just some right wing nut jatal and tell everyone, isn't it strange living a country that looks like a drooping testicle in the closest body of water? Is the ball ticksy? No quenching, no quenching, it's just... All right, but I do kind of want to know now how that guy's conversation went. Hi, Sven Svenson, that's me. Great, great.

So I'm from the Ministry of the government, Ministry of the government, just a heads up. You know, I think so crazy right now, the war. You now live in Finland, you're from Finland now. I'm sorry, where? Finland, it's a real country with thousands of years of history and it's own language also. So, you know, that's where you live now. Okay.

Do I start speaking Finnish? Yeah, yeah, that would actually be great. So here you go. This is a Japanese text book. Right, yeah, that would actually be great. So here you go. This is a Japanese text book. Right. Yeah. I mean, just like, you know, it'll be fine. I know what I'm talking about. My accents change six times in this. Get. How am I supposed to schmoyed and void it up? That was pretty good. That was pretty good. But more like ringed in fngun. You gotta get like a Y in there. Well, it's really falls apart under examination.

Doesn't it? Will you try it with the Y when we're talking? Doesn't really take examination either, doesn't it? No, it does fall apart, yes. One more time. Yeah, just get it dig in. Yeah, there you go. No, there you go.

That is just like Japanese. Oh my God, are we in Tokyo? You know, I never ask you guys to prove the Etruscans exist in my dudely dudes. I'm just saying. That's because they did. And didn't you just go to Rome, though? So stupid.

So stupid. Just apology except a joke. No, I'm ready. I'm ready. Literally nobody will ever apologize to you for any reason. Okay, what about the fucking finish line? That's see, that is where the masterminds behind the scheme got sloppy. Oh, oh, right now, this right now is when it's about to get sloppy.

It was also tight and put together. What we have to understand is that Finland was always intended to be a wartime excuse. That was, you know, half a joke. Yeah, because Japan during World War II, they were into that comedy styling. You guys know what I mean? It was hilarious. They were known for that at least as much as they were known for being near Finland. So sure.

And that's why the tiny bits of Finnish, the two countries had to provide were Japanese. And even non-believers in the truth admit that the languages are miraculously similar. No, no, according to them, Yamagata Europe dot, miraculously. What does that even mean? What are the foremost sources on language? No. No. No. No. No. What does that even mean? What are the four most sources on language? Both languages have vowel harmony. Japanese doesn't have vowel harmony.

They are both a gluglialating, the structure. Was that? No. No, it means they have string suffixes, suffixes, prefixes, or both, on to roots. No, no, that's what the word you spelled means. Not the one that you said.

That's the word I spell checked for you at what it means. Yeah. Okay. They both use SOV word order. Up 40% of the languages of the world have SOV word order. Also, finish technically isn't one of them. And nail in the coffin,

they both lack grammatical gender. Pretty sure that one's actually true. Okay. Wow. Thank you. Okay. Actually, now that you mentioned it, are we sure that Canada is real? Are we a hundred on that? That's another shell. And then there's Nokia. A cut of the fish wasn't going to do it as both Japan and Russia moved into the modern world. But one thing the Finnish sea had in spades was oil, unregulated oil that the rest of the world thought was forest in a made up country.

So they created a company. What is happening right now? Nokia as the front for a new financial deal. Nokia was founded in 1865, and not by a company headquartered in the sea of Japan or whatever the fuck is driving a forest in the middle of that sea. I have no idea what you're saying. And by the way, Nokia made sawdust.

There was a pulp company. Yeah, right. And now they fucking make phones that you bought 20 years ago and somehow Deborah and accounting still shows up to work there every week. So we are regardless. Even the name Nokia gives away the game. Apparently, according to Wikipedia.com, it's old finish for suit Martin or sable, a creature that even finish people don't ever believe existed. They might as well have called the company SniPont Unicorn Incorporated.

Sables are less mythical than Finland. They're, they're, they're, they're martin's, they're a little adorable bear monkeys. They exist in half for quite some time now, Eli. Can we make a coat out of them? Okay, you get a coat bear monkeys. They're out of Finnish people. Okay. And who is? No keyers? Finnish companies, biggest clients? Japan. Despite the fact that almost nobody in Japan has a no-key of phone. Interested.

They sold their cell phone division and now they're in the telecom infrastructure business. That thing you type this on is connected to the world's smartest wizard with every answer ever Eli. Every answer. Oh, Cecil, if only it were that simple. But the final nail in the coffin of Finland, it's a lot of final nail. How many this coffin

is shut? That's for fucking sure. You got to pick one. This is the last one is just double this is the last final nail in the is that so called Finland is just too perfect. According to the fragile states index Finland is the most stable country in the world. According to the freedom house or the freest country in the world. So true. Consistently number one for education, healthcare, gender, quality, happiness and literacy rates. And yet nobody ever moves there. According to their own numbers on Wikipedia.com, as of 2017, only 373,325 foreigners lived in Finland.

Are we really expected to believe with freedom and democracy degrading in every corner of the world that only four hundred thousand people would think to move to this so-called socialist paradise. Sure. Do you think those people live? Maybe some people can't afford to pack up and move, but where are the filthy rich expats moving to Finland so their kids can virtually guarantee themselves a better, happier life? Why don't we live in Finland, Tom? Because it's not real. That's why.

Yeah, or maybe because some of us have custody agreements and restraining orders Eli Telegraph your privilege much But here is the final nail in the coffin of Finland. I'm hitting him with a hammer if he says that again Where is the final nail in the coffin of Finland. I'm hitting him with a hammer. If he says that again, where is the Finnish art? Uh, Yero Sarnin, the architect, the Finnish music, uh, apocalyptic, the love of a cello, the mentality band, awesome. Where are the fins in Hollywood? Uh, Rani Harland's directed die hard to cliffhanger, deep blue sea. I mean, where are the finish models? I see you, the tea le kind.

You came close. You're telling me. I was holding. Yep. I mean, you're telling me the healthiest, best educated country in the world hasn't produced a single celebrity, a national dish, a style of music. Can we just stop for a moment and help you realize the difference between things you don't know and the things that don't exist? Can you just

know? You really want to stop and do that? No, Cecil. We have that kind of time. I got dinner upstairs. Can you name any other country that has so little significance while apparently being at the top of the food chain? No, you can't because those other countries are real. Finland also invented the sauna. That's real. Yeah, but in Finland, that's kind of a survival mechanism. So no credit. Pretty sweet. All right, if anything else that you want to lie to us about before we tie you down and bring you somewhere for help. Yes, Tom, when people speak the truth about Finland, so called fins or Eastern sweeteners right into express their anger and resentment at the truth.

They call it xenophobic or biased to pretend their country doesn't exist. But to them, I say, I understand. Does the Blackfoot tribe not exist just because they no longer have a land? No. And I brought up Native Americans first. So you're racist. That's right. So called fins, I challenge you to prove it. Instead of whining online about how much your country exists, why not say something like, Hey, seems like your wife was disappointed. You didn't get to come to Sweden to prove to you. My country exists. Here's two free first class tickets to Helsinki

to see for yourself. Nobody ever does that, Tom, because nobody is ready to face the truth. I have. Does anybody know what happened in the last 30 minutes? Does anybody know this? This makes no sense whatsoever. Eli, if you had to summarize what you've learned Learning the right word, but don't don't don't don't I should be maybe just Summarize something I guess Please first class tickets not economy. I mean nails are in this clock All right, are you ready for the quiz? Ah, you know it Tom. one for you, Eli. What is the only correct thing you said in this episode? A, your own name.

B, the fact that Russia was in is a country. C, the opening gag about being drawn by police sketch artists or D, that the answer to this question is D. Nice try, Bobbob, Brinkman. None of the above. No, it's, you got to say D because you have to D. Russia wasn't a country at the time that you were saying it was and the thing too. So even B was wrong. I get my name wrong. No, you never said your name in the lie. All right, Eli. This is the worst show we've ever done. True or

Hey true see great greatest show we've ever done greatest. You watch down low numbers will be off the charts. People like it. They love my I am a

fan and a computer. Eli delete Eli. Eli, what the fuck was that? I am a fine ender. He lie. He lie. He lie. He lie. What the fuck was that? Hey, no, really? What the fuck was that? B, on second thought, nothing you say will fix this.

See, he quits the sh- Oh, I see. He always quits the sh- No, no, it's fucking A. What the fuck was that All right, so See so many win win. Can you win today? Does anybody win Christ nope? Feel like I won save us next week. He save us. Okay. I'm next I guess

Oh, pressure hard to follow that one up All right well for Eli sees hold-Sold Noah and Heath, I'm ashamed of myself and I'm thankful you stuck this one out. We'll be back next week and by then, heat will over disclose something distressing about his penis. Order that. Between now and then, check out all our other projects by heading over to citationpod.com. We'd like to help keep this show going.

You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us five star reviews. Everywhere a Sharpie marker will indelibly stain a bathroom stall. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect to us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out CitationPod.com. Remember, Check the show notes be sure to check out citation pad calm remember Haskimos live in ice houses and drive dogs to work and they are more real than this You want me to find I rack Comrade Tom's Maybe over here is by the yeah, yeah, we're good to go with our work. We're good. I knew it very good

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