Citation Needed - The Great Chicago Fire

Episode Date: August 15, 2018

The Great Chicago Fire was a conflagration that burned from Sunday, October 8, to Tuesday, October 10, 1871. The fire killed up to 300 people, destroyed roughly 3.3 square miles (9 km2) of Chicago, Illinois, and left more than 100,000 residents homeless.[2]   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Shkogo Fire Department Eli Bosnian speaking. Oh, there's a fire. Cool, cool. Where are you? Oh, state and lake. Okay, one question. Sorry, I know you're in in rush. How big is it? One city block. That's actually not what I meant. I mean does it look hot?

No fire is hot don't dumb. I'm just gonna give like it looks like when I'm near it if I'll be hot See I'm wearing these rubber pants and they get uncomfortable, but if it's... Okay, that sounds unpleasant. Oh, okay, one more question. Sorry, I know, I know. Is there a bathroom nearby? Well, when I run the hose, I have to go a lot and I don't wanna have to get back in the truck

and come all the way back here, so if there's like a star, well, maybe I can work something out with the Starbucks across the street that oh I just remembered is there like a doggy park near the fire Well, cuz match is our fire pug and I just wanted to make sure she has enough room to scamper, you know, well Okay, well how about a dog run then Fenced off area Honestly, I think we're gonna have to pass them Okay, well how about a dog run then? Fenced off area?

Honestly, I think we're gonna have to pass then. I know, I'm upset too. I just don't think I can help you. We'll let another station take care of it. What, am I the first place you called? Shopper out? Oh, Jesus. Hey, Eli, who was that? Nobody. Thanks for coming today, everybody. That's the show. Yeah.

Hello and welcome to Citation Needed Live in Chicago. Wow. Wow. How is you, May? No. welcome to citation needed live in Chicago Wow, as you may know this is the podcast where we choose a subject read a single article about a Wikipedia and pretend We're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. This isn't really the internet By the way, this is live just in case this is the line. I am no illusions I'm gonna be dumping sand and baking soda on this grease fire of an episode and a desperate attempt to smother these guys and contain the damage. Joining me today, first of all, are two men who could supply all of colonial America

with lamb oil if rendered, Heath and Eli. Yeah! Yeah! Excellent. For me, it's more olive oil than lamp. So, like, I'll just, like, when I'm sweaty, I'll wipe myself off with extra bread, and was like that's a good plan my after meal snack right there

I Get sweaty when I eat hey hey last people to try to turn me into a lamp are In DC right now being giving sympathetic think pieces by the New York Times Go for it try to turn me into a lamp 40 years from now We'll ask whether or not people are too mean to you on the internet York Times. Yeah, I guess. Go for it. Try to turn me into a lamp. 40 years from now, we'll ask whether or not people are too mean to you on the internet or something. All right. So we made it five minutes before our first Holocaust joke.

Hi, bud. Hi, bud. Good. Hey, you, sir. I get cookies after the show. And also joining me tonight are two men who have blamed more than their fair share of sins on farm animals. See so, so land town!

I just want to point out two things. One, this crowd screen... Fuckin' this guy! This guy! God dammit! Security. But I just want to point out two things. First is, this crowd screen so loud,

they knock the fucking lint off the fucking sea. Yes, you can, I'm gonna say. Yes. That's number one. That's number one. That's number one. Number two, what can I say? It was a heavy petting zoo.

I consider it something of an achievement, turning a scapegoat into a fainting scapegoat. Sorry. I had a coming. All right, so before we really begin mocking the tragic history of this fine city, we need a pause for a moment of gratitude, just because this is live, doesn't mean we're not going to ask you for money. You're supporting more money. Now, this is you guys in the theater and of course, the patrons listening at home,

you guys make this possible for realsies. It is more than a little incredible that we actually get to do this for a living and we have you to thank for that and If we didn't Yes, absolutely because thank you for your money and I mean the other option is real jobs and We're not qualified for those So while we sit here on stage tonight, we know that we only have the honor of entertaining you because you let us.

And unlike some entertainers, we appreciate your consent and some of us even require it. But don't worry, we'll be sure to send the traditional mix of thank you, cards and apology flowers after the show. And with that out of the way, tell us Heath. What person plays think concept phenomenon or event? What will we be talking about today? Today we're going to be talking about the first great Chicago fire. Yeah.

One. Yep. Fire! Yeah. Yeah. And relax. Relax. I want Chirigai and Rho too to just do that for everything we say.

Yeah! 240 deaths! Relax, I want Cheery Guy in row two to just do that for everything we say like 240 deaths Well, yeah speaking of which we're also gonna try to keep you alive from starting the second one Most likely most likely by shitting soy diesel and then rubbing your thighs together too hard and then that's what shit. Yeah, spark it. If it dry thighs, can I give you that note? So. All right, and so Tom, for some reason,

we've entrusted you with writing the essay for the live show. Bad call. Bad call. No, we're. No. I know. All right, so apparently we'll look into that

egregious administrative error privately after these guys are here, but are you ready to kick over this lamp and blame the Irish? No, I'll blame the Irish is how I start every morning. Wait, Tom, aren't you Irish? Oh, very much so. All right, no, that explains a lot. Okay, all right. Everyone inch. So... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Boo! I'm on there said Boo, I'm on your said Boo. Tos the great pizza war of 90.

No. I will happily tell you know him because that's what I wrote down happily. Noah. Yep. The great Chicago fire incinerated a little over three square miles of Chicago and burned from Sunday, October the eighth to Tuesday, October the 10th in 1861.

1871. Edit that out, Cecil. It's fine, it's fine. They've never heard it. Kurt Estimates told that that same fire started today on the west side could cause roughly dozens of dollars in debt. You know how it's sometimes better to like go with that let it burn policy for, you know, wildfires, terms of long-term ecology. I feel like tonight shows a teachable moment

for Rama manual. Right. Right. It's like not the same when there's, I need you to stop saying controlled burn, Rama manual. Right. Right. They lit the West side on fire today

because the police were tired of shooting just individuals and they decided on like a... I don't know, like a Dresden-sized solution, you know, like... Who could have... Izzy here, guys. We're doing tour the black site right afterwards. It's a white audience, it's fine. Oh, you are! Come on, look at you.

There's what... Yeah! Yeah! you. There's what security. We got two. In podcast terms, that is a blue way. Two. No, that person's lying. Can we stop pointing? Can we maybe? By the way, we're friends now. I'm not racist. I got one.

One of the most hotly contested subjects get that of this topic always relates to how the fires started. Just like our production meetings. Yeah, true. The fire originated in or around a small barn belonging to the O'Leary family, and the most commonly held beliefs that the fire was started by a cow, which is supposed to have kicked over a lantern. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Unless the cow's like a master of jump kicks, I kind of, I think I'd blame this on bad lantern, place. Yeah. Fun Claude Vendan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fun, Claude, Van Damne. Yeah. Shit, tits. Shit, tits.

Yeah. Shit, tits. Now, the O'Leary family denied that the fire was started by their clout. Crow? Hmm. By their cow. And they claimed his evidence that the family was asleep when the fire began. Okay, but unless somebody's fucking the cow, I don't see how that's an excuse.

Did we say nobody was fucking the cow? Can you read ahead in this? No? This argument when taking against the evidence that the O'Leary family were poor, were Irish, and were Catholic, did not convince the public. Yeah, that actually tracks. I started a forest fire with my poor Irish friend when we were six. And we super duper lied about it all the way. Made his dad was a firefighter, it was no good. It was no good. Did they blame it on a different ethnic group in this case? We always super duper did that too.

We were assholes. The worst. I used to be a racist, everybody. When I was 60. Used to. That's good. Earlier this evening. So before the fire was even out, the newspapers were already circulating, blaming the

oleris for their role in the conflagration. Even though the reporter that wrote the story itself later retracted his claims and admitted to fabricating the whole thing. Yeah and the cow just followed around going fake moves. Move. Move. All right. Maybe I'm missing something but I feel like the newspapers distributed before the fire was out would be really hard to read.

Right. That's a motivated newsie though. Yeah. That's the X-Tree, please, it burns. So. Another theory holds that the fire was actually started by the first guy who reported it, evidently presumed under the he who smelt it, delta theory. Right. evidently presumed under the he who smelt it delta theory. Now, this one, the fire was started by,

and I am not making this up, Daniel Pegleg Sullivan. Right? Who's supposed to accidentally start the fire by setting fire to hay while stealing milk? What? No, no. No, I get it. He's milking the cow. He's letting this one leg up against the school

I can see it. Okay, but now I want to really meet this out of work pirate Talking about his plan for a new job like all right. I'm really interested in fire and milk Fire actually started because the stray sparks when he hot-wired the cow. Hahaha! By the way, hot-wiring account means something totally different in Indiana. It's different. Evansville. Perseger.

It's... Err. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hup. Don't clap for that.

Yeah. Don't clap for that. This is on you now. Hahaha. The last time... Now the theory that I'm betting on you now uh... now the theory that i'm betting on it's the whole thing was started by a group of gamblers this theory holds it a man named Lewis cone his son and some neighbor kids

knocked over a lantern after missus oleyrie chased them out of the barn while they were praying playing craps cone is reported to have paused long enough to scoop up the money before fleeing he also signed a confession which he bequeathed to the metal school of journalism upon his death. Crap, son of barn, what the fuck? They're like, horsie needs a new pair of shoes, guys.

Right, he bequeathed upon his end to the media, I leave the truth. Like 40 years too late. You're welcome, Jews. The most far out theory is that the fire was started by a meteor shower. A physicist Robert Wood suggested that a comet known as Biela's comet broke up over the Midwest. And eyewitnesses reported seeing balls of fire in the sky that day, and fires did break out in four other places in the Midwest. And while this might sound plausible at first, it, well, just, it isn't.

There's some science stuff about the composition of meteors and the gases in them and the plausibility of methane is a source for these fires, but most experts agree this is all just a lot of hot air. Hot air. I get it. I get it. I'm as embarrassed as you are right now. So shit tits. So yeah, the long and short of all that science-y stuff, by the way, is that the

years don't start fucking fires. So this is ever so slightly more plausible than the E-life farted into a wormhole and lit it theory, but yeah, might as well give it a stew. Okay, Noah, if you want to accuse me of what happened to the couch, just do it. But I have told my side of the story. Your cat has told his side of the story. I leave it in your hands. Alright, so there's no general consensus about how the fires started, but no matter how it got going, it fucked things up pretty thoroughly.

Now, building fires in crowded cities are obviously never good news, but at this point in Chicago, there really wasn't a possibility for worse news, because Chicago had evidently not gotten the memo from the three little pigs, and they built the whole fucking city out of wood! city out of wood. All thing. And then they roofed the place with match heads. Seriously. Like, two thirds of all the structures were made not partly but entirely out of wood and most of the buildings were then topped with tar.

Lots of those buildings actually fell faster than gravity. And tar does not burn that hot water. Really happens, Jewish people. Pivoting off that, all those Jewish cows were out to pasture that day too. Yeah, look at you, it's sheeple. Drew. Oh, God.

I'll allow it. And if that's not bad enough, they built the sidewalks out of wood. They built the roads out of wood. What? Prompting Chicago's first official city motto as the strike anywhere city. Yeah. So yeah, we normally do the foundations with concrete, but I do have all these bald-up newspapers to call me.

Maybe we use them. To go call. Maybe we use them first. Go green. Yeah, sure. They don't make flammable clouds. All right, shit. We'll go with Roads then. Immediately though, a wooden road would have fewer

potholes than Ashland Avenue. That's true. Smooth, smooth, silk. Chicagoans got that joke. Towny jokes. Now, compounding the problem of constructing a city out of gasoline soaked Lincoln logs, the city was also in the midst of a drought, having received only one inch of rain from July 4th, October 9th.

And today had strong Southwesternly winds, which would help blow flaming embers into the very heart of the city. Wow, it's too bad the people in our episodes, like all the other ones, they didn't get together because this would have been great for like a whole shitload of molasses to just flush. Right? Yeah, that would have been great.

Yes. Being ridden by teammates, like the rocket from Dr. Strange Love. Yeah. He's just going to town with a vibrator. That's just always fun. But you're cocaine always fun as well. Yeah.

A race riot breaks out like in top. Nope. Nope. That was, nope. No. He's going south. We're going to lose this R2. Maybe a family gets away with killing John Bending.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, pass. So still the city might have been OK or less like apocalypticly not okay. If the night watchman, Matthias Schaeffer hadn't sent the city's firefighters to the wrong location. I'm a fucks sake. I'm at my left hand. Damn. Shit.

Okay, that's bad. But also if the fire alarm where the actual firefighters were hadn't failed to register. And if the firefighters themselves weren't exhausted from putting out other fires all over the city for the whole week before. Yeah, and the previous week they posted the plans

for 3D printed fire on the internet. It's bad. It's bad. Okay, but to be fair to firefighters, that is definitely supposed to be a sometimes job. And back then they did not have car accidents to stand around doing nothing. So I just, ah. job and back then they did not have car accidents to stand around doing nothing.

I bought a giant truck to make traffic worse. Booth firefighters. Are we con firefighters? I have only got to care about firefighters in one city. 9-11. When these heroes, who is thank you, finally arrived on the scene, the fire had grown from being a small fire confined to a barn to a fire that had spread to the other buildings nearby, in which was rapidly approaching the central business district. Okay, I get what you're trying to do, Tom, but these ones weren't heroes.

Okay, the ones in this story were not heroes. Fair enough, fair. I just, I love that, like, it's rapidly approaching the center of the city, which is only a couple of blocks away from a cow in a bar. Right? Right? Different times.

The fires coming towards the business district and the business district's like averting its eyes, trying not to make contact. It's rolling down its window. No. Fire's like, let me talk to you for a second. I already bought a copy of Streetwise. Am I being detained?

Am I being detained? I'm not gonna make fun of them, they're poor. We can do this. A firefighter at this point were hoping that the fire would just hit the Chicago River and it would also encounter, and I am not making this up guys, a fire break caused by a burnt out area from a previous fire. So the actual strategy was, at this point, to just hope it burned everything up to the point where everything had already been burned up before.

And then we would just be out of things to be on fire. Problem solved, licked it. Wow, that's a lot like Trump's Middle East policy. This is pretty similar. We just let that happen. It just works itself out in payrolls. It's like, immediately it's kind of a Chicago tradition too,

not to care about the black and dairy. It's just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Wait, I know this is an old-timey story, but like the firefighters just didn't try. I know firefighter technology hasn't advanced past throw water at it ever. Feels like they would have given it a go.

Like one guy's got a buck and they're like, no! Don't even. Alright, but okay, so for the record here, Tom, the eventually it'll run out of victim strategy did not work. Oh no, it very, very did not work. No. So because the area along the river was basically a series of lumber yards and coal yards.

Ah! For real, and warehouses presumably stocked with like sawdust and roadwares And then they were like wood and bridges spanning the river just over there now So fucking cities the third act of a Jean-Claude Van Damme There's another fire intensified it became super heated which means now that shit was so hot that things catch on fire, not by contact with the actual flames, but from the radiant heat of the fire's proximity. That is not good news.

No. Because now structures burst into flames, they sent their payload of fiery debris into the air, landing on roofs, and I shit you not, cross the river and landed on the south side gas It's going well Cersei Lannister just happened to store those hundreds of barrels of fire Danny's dragons fly over like wow that is irresponsible you supplier Right also racist am I wrong? You are not wrong I was gonna say right right Thank you thank so you want to go burn down

Yes Yes We're traggants All right well Tom I'm sure on the other side of the river there won't be a perfect storm of endless incompetence and bad luck, so let's take a quick breather for a little something we like to call, apropos of nothing. Today we begin the construction of the glorious city which will be just as great as New York. And D.A.R.R.

is absolutely nice. Just exactly as good. So Sir Robert on the roads committee, what have you got planned? Well gentlemen, as you are aware, T tar has gotten ever more expensive. So that is very nice. Therefore, we've laid down a foundation of gunpowder at a greatly reduced cost. It's going to be a smashing hit. Excellent. Excellent.

And Mr. Feng Waw from Building and Construction. Yes. So why don't you have an agent exit? There's no reason to be a character to be Asian at this point. Get out of the sketch. You can have a sketch. I'm in a sketch. I'm in a sketch. I'm in the sketch.

I'm in the sketch. I'm in the sketch. I'm in the sketch. I'm in the sketch. Anyway, the buildings are made of wood soaked and gasoline for that nice shiny look. Oh, I'm looking for good news. I can't see it. I can't see it.

I can't see it. I can't see it. I can't see it. I can't see it. All right, then finally, Johnson from City Park. All right, gentlemen, hear me out. Dynamite trees. Excellent idea. Why would we make them any other way? I'm in the sketch. Alright, gentlemen, hear me out. Dynamite Trees.

Actually, that's our idea. Why would we make them any other way? I'm in the skin. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that was so awesome and none of us should feel ashamed of ourselves at all. So, Tom, I think you were telling us an uplifting story of the power of human spirit? No, not even close. No. No. Everyone is now screwed. Call back to our current political administration. Absolutely, I'm sure.

Call back to that. The fire was now completely wildly out of control and was rapidly threatening the heart of the city. The mayor, Roswell B. Mason, I love that. Sent, I wanna be a mayor in old timey Chicago. Sent messages to nearby towns for help and then he ordered the evacuation of the courthouse and the prisoners in the basement.

Yeah, cause fire's scary, but it can't rape you. I'm gonna let you out of the ante here a bit. All right, so at 2.30 a.m. just five hours after starting in the barn. The couple of the courthouse collapse. I've no idea if I said that right. The great bell came down and the cacophony could be heard a mile away. Goodness gracious. Great bells of fire.

Ouch. Shit. Shit. I love all the groaners in the audience. You guys are good people. It escalated so fast, though. Like, I want to see that pirate just like, Ah, shit, don't light up the whole barn.

Ah, God. Just don't cross the bridge to cross the roof. Ah, shit. Shit. Don't light up the thermite ghetto. Dammit. Motherfucker, to up the thermite ghetto. Dammit! Motherfucker, hit the thermite ghetto. Why do we have a thermite ghetto?

That was so stupid. Bad city planning. Ah, don't knock over the big bell. Ah, clangoy. Yeah, it's like he's just standing there. Sorry, everybody's looking at him. The bell's still rolling. It knocked over a bowl at a funeral. It's like an infinite top.

What the fuck? You just turn us to everyone, and the mouse trap. So now is when shit really gets interesting, because the fire is so intense that a unique meteorological phenomenon began to occur. There were now fire worlds. Yeah, and the word for the most cutesy name for a gyrating vortex of hellfire goes to. Fire world.

Basically a flame tornado. Oh, honey, look at me, I'm a tornado. What are those shoes? I'm gonna fuck you right out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Do you want me to go back? I was listening to your interesting message. There's a script here. You're going to have to read it. Okay. Now these people have to hear that twice, and that's on you. These are creative and super-heated arrow wraps. I'm doing this!

I'm doing this! I wrote it down and you'll listen to me. I'm important and it hurts my feelings Created with super heated gas rapidly rises comes into contact with cooler air these four Texas of flames and Overheated gases are created shooting flaming debris high into the air and by debris Think of the kinds of shit that a tornado can pick up and throw. Now set that shit on fire. It was that awesome. Yeah.

Yeah, no, but we call those Californians now, but yeah, no bad thing. Chicago. This is a Larry's calif flies by I regret nothing! I regret nothing! Right, Doppler effect on that one. That's impressive. The flaming debris crossed the river again. Like, I forgot it's fucking phone call. Anna. Gotta get a checklist.

And firey timbers landed on a railroad car of kerosene. I'm calling bullshit to the point. You know what? Because fuck you, that's why. OK, maybe that car goes out early that day. Just that one asshole that worked that day being a stickler about the schedule. Like, no, no.

No, the train car full of fire extinguisher's got out first. Says it on the schedule. I don't know, dump the caracene in the fucking river to be safe, whatever. So now the north side of the city is also on fire. And this is not good. Not just because fire is bad for cities, but because a piece of fire landed on the roof of the city's waterworks building.

Oh Jesus. Within a matter of minutes, the waterworks building was now destroyed. The city was without any water. There was nothing to do but play the fiddle and watch it all burn. Mugger! I'm assuming everybody was like, all right, well, it can't get any worse than that, right? But then a flame tornado picked up a volcano and dropped it on a train that was carrying the world's largest bellows. And it just started blowing every second.

Okay, that's actually pretty funny. That's really funny. Other people in the magnesium factory just sit down and start singing combi-on. The reincarnated guys from the boat with their cork life vest are just like, I got a stop. Being reincarnated is not... Having. Alright, so the firefighters were helpless now. No way.

More helpless. Now, and the city had just burned, blocked by block, building by building, the fire burned unchecked until late into the evening on October 9th when it began to rain but by this time the city was just destroyed for Chicago means a lot. The fire had basically begun to burn itself out having consumed the entirety of the densely populated areas of the city and then just giving up. Pretty much. Giving up.

City's chatting with his friends a year or so after it gets engaged with the fire and it's like, ever since it moved in it's gotten you. Norms? Well, maybe if the city put in a little bit of effort. After the fire, people we had to speculate about what could have allowed such an enormous tragedy to occur. Now, religious idiots opine that the fire was caused by people

ignoring traditional morality and theyine that the fire was caused by people ignoring traditional morality and they claim that the fire was a message from God to have some basic fucking standards. Many others who considered which lessons were to be learned agreed that we needed some standards but thought that perhaps one of those standards should be, don't build a city out of wooden mats. Right! Right! So remember boys and girls when politicians start promising to cut regulations, we should ask which ones.

No, it's just mad because I invested heavily in asbestos this week. I bought a house full of it. Yeah, right, it's all that. Right, it's double down. In a gesture of goodwill that I genuinely cannot imagine happening now, the world reacted by sending tremendous amounts of aid to the city. In addition to huge amounts of financial aid, cities across the world send food and clothing and books and other provisions. And immediate steps were taken by local churches and City Alderman to control price gouging.

Public buildings were set up as places of refuge for the city's many newly homeless. And Milwaukee, no shit, sent firefighting equipment. And I can only imagine giant inflatable mental fingers. Just, just truckloads a big black rubber dicks with fire extinguishes inside. Here idiots. They're digging through the dicks, they find one cow-proof lantern in it. Seriously though, you're packing a box or the cause and you're like, do we send matches? Is that a dick move? Cause I feel like they need them. And they don't have them. They need gasoline too, but that feels again,

maybe sippy cups that can't tip over with the gasoline. They're idiots. They're gonna drink it. They're gonna drink it. They're gonna drink it. I'm a dragon still. I'm a dragon. I'm still. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So the city began to rewrite its fire codes and its insurance regulations. And they decided that now would be a good time to better train its firefighting force, right?

Buildings in the burnt out area of the city were reconstructed in ways that were less stupid, although areas of the city that hadn't been incinerated were not required to be up to the new building codes, more on that later. I bet. All right, so what, so when do they plan on rebuilding the city? Well, the rebuilding of Chicago was a massive, oh, he was going so good. That's all you massacred.

I'm going over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it.

I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it.

I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it. from Detroit, so if you want to get me back, it's going to be fucking easy. Ouch. We have our own Detroit, it's like 20 blocks less. The rebuilding of Chicago was a massive undertaking and so much lumber was required to rebuild that the city of Singapore, Michigan, which supplied a large portion of that wood was so heavily deforested that the land itself deteriorated into sand dunes, and the city of Singapore, Michigan had to be abandoned. Jesus. And speaking of abandoning places in Michigan, so you guys know where I'm going with this?

But okay, be honest, Chicago, just us here. You guys, you sold those pipes to Flint, Michigan, right? You paid for your new water system with those pipes. I have to say though, honestly, being reduced to sand dunes in the 19th century would have been the best thing that ever happened to Flint. Or Michigan at large for that matter. Not on turn. Interestingly, three other major fires occurred on the same day in the Midwest. The largest of these, the Peshdigo fire in Peshdigo is constant, completely consumed the

town of Peshdigo. I just want to say Peshdigo. Peshdigo. Whatever. It's, it can't be there anymore. I don't even care. I don't care. He's right.

He's right. He's right. Along with a dozen smaller villages, right? This fire started intentionally to clear a portion of forest for farming and construction was fanned by strong winds that quickly produced a fire storm with winds of 110 miles an hour and a fire that raged over 2,000 degrees. Fireworlds from that fire through houses and rail cars into the air and drove residents into the river, wells, and other bodies of water

where they drown or died of hypothermia or irony. It's not fair. To be... One, two, three, four. Dive in there. Oh man, is this wealth full of caracene? What the fuck? Get the fuck out of here. That's actually pretty funny.

This is a funny day. It's a funny day. Surprise there were no religious zealots blaming the fire on the trees for immorally spreading their seed everywhere. You know? So that fire consumed an area of 1,875 square miles. That is an area larger than Rhode Island.

It destroyed 12 communities and it killed so many people that in the town of Pestigo, whatever. There weren't even enough survivors left to identify the dead. Wow. That fire remains the deadliest fire in American history

and maybe the only reason that that fire wasn't better known at the time was because the devastation that it wrought was so complete it consumed all the communication lines in and out of the area cutting survivors off from the rest of the world entirely. Or, another theory, no one has ever given a shit about Wisconsin. Yeah? That's also.

Alright, I won it back! I won it back! I had a shit on Michigan and Wisconsin, but I got him back. But you know there was one guy who escaped Chicago to go to Peshito, right? Like, statistically that had to happen. Some guy showed up, covered and he's like, and everything's a husk. It's me, right? Me. It's me, right? It's me. The less the tragedy really does always go unreported though.

If on Trump's inauguration day, 600 million kids died a childhood face cancer. No one would mention the kids. It only looked like a few kids with face cancer, but this is the white plastic. I had more face cancer kids than Obama. It's the white plastic. Alright, also consumed by fire during the same few days in the same fucking area around the lake, Holland, Michigan, poor here on Michigan and Manesty, michigan the yeah fuck you michigan michigan still true the great chicago fire burns so hot that the

for full survey of the extent of the damage was impossible for days after the fire was out the fire itself consumed an area four miles long and approximately three-quarters of a mile ride the fire destroyed seventy three miles of roads, 17,500 buildings. It left a hundred thousand people homeless. But to be fair, this was Chicago, so 90,000 of them were already homeless.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We didn't care then, we don't care now. Yeah. The number of actual debt is difficult to measure.

The city corner speculated that the fire was so hot that the remains may have been completely incinerated, and many were thought to have drowned after attempting to flee to the safety of the river. The damage in today's dollars would be somewhere in the neighborhood of four billion dollars. Yeah, and they estimated that three hundred were killed in the fire. That's about a tenth of the amount of shooting victims here. I'm just saying when you leave the theater, check your six.

Who does this? By a bunch of RT shirts. They could save your life like a pocket Bible. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE APPLAUSE This is my favorite part. The city caught on fire again.

Just three years later, in 1874 killing 20 more people, destroying 812 more buildings and reducing another 47 acres of Chicago to ash. Jesus. No, it's because it's hard to vote out the incumbent here. That's right. Insurance companies finally refused to underwrite policies in the city if the entire city didn't decide to conform to the same fucking fire code. This fixed the problem because money is magic.

Right. All right, so Tom, if you had to summarize everything that you've learned in a single sentence what would it be uh... that the history of not learning our lessons is a proud chicago tradition ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I've burned through a couple questions from the panel. Fire away. I'll see you get it. Fire away. Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what?

Oh, what? All right, Tom. Which of the following is another true fact about Chicago? A, the Chicago River is one of the only rivers that flows backwards, kind of like the time dimension at Pee Quads Pizza. B, Chicago was the home of America's first blood bank, which opened in 1937, and the Chicago PD has been keeping it well stocked ever since. See, I actually love it here. There's so much meat.

I've been eating so much. Yeah, me. I've been sweating since Wednesday. It's been delightful. And Eli's allergic to the air almost. LAUGHTER All right, um, obviously a lot of lessons were learned from the Chicago fire.

Do you want to guess about my answer? Do you want to answer our question? I'm saying maybe the answer to the question. I'm standing maybe to answer the question. Question's have answers. It's like a whole thing that they do. It's obviously the meat situation. It's the meat situation. Eli jumped the gun. Right. Fine.

Protein. All right, Tom. In the edit that's go nailed the killer man. Fuck it, brilliant. Obviously, lots of lessons were learned from the Chicago Fire and lots of policies were put in place at that time. What are some of them that are still around today? A.

Rooting for white socks over red socks. B. Making sure nothing black is allowed inside city limits. Oh, God. C. Maint maintaining a river to poisonous for even fire to survive. Or D, only having three weeks a year where it's not too cold for fire to exist. Let it spread. It's the river. That thing is no. That's unknown. Correct. Whatever.

I'm doing very well with it. All right, Tom. Lots of great facts here. Which one did you leave out? If the Chicago Fire moved as fast as Chicago traffic, it would have reached Rigglyville yesterday morning. When the city planners heard conflagration, they thought they heard segregation, they just we had it ever since. Oh, no. It's true. The Chicago fire killed way more people than our shot each year on the West Side, which means that if you lit the West, the side on fire it would literally be safer oh no or d throw back to action park the chicago fire actually accidentally kicked

heathen the stomach and he shittin puke at the same time true story i think you're thinking of piquat's pizza that's what you're thinking of Peequat's pizza, right? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I thought it was better. It's killed that man. Controversial. Security. Security, I caught you earlier for him.

It's gotta be D. It's gotta be D. True. Alright, I got one way. That's what it is. I got a tough one for Tom. After making fun of Chicago a few times in this episode, what's the best way for me to work my way back into the audience good graces before we do the second half of this double header?

Hey, complimenting their genitals. Hey, hey, early love for you. Nice genitals people. Be really. Pandering to one of the city's many fine sports franchises, such as the Cubs, Bears, Bulls, White Socks, Blackhawks, Red Stars, Blue Team, and Screensets, Jesus Christ or your fucking, fucking box of lucky terms or sports teams. Or, or see, twerking. What is happening? Make this happen. Make it happen. Make it happen.

Make it happen. Two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, I'm not gonna do it, but I appreciate the enthusiasm. Damn it. Or D. Be laid-admitting that Chicago pizza is fucking awesome With without smart acidly adding at the end. It's just not pizza I feel like twerking was kind of a hard fan favorite

Oh Tom I see I was gonna twerk for you, but the show demands that he'd be wrong about this one. That's how this whole, that's how this formula is about to twerk. And he fucked it up. Damn it. Boo.

Oh, there's sidekick. Boo. Oh. Oh. Oh. There we go. You got twerkin' way. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the part of the show where I announced that I'm the winner, because I didn't have to twerk,

or see Eli from your angle. And that means that I get to choose who does the essay in the second half of our double header tonight. And I choose Tom, because you fucking killed it. And I wrote it. Right? For that too.

Right? This guy. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. All right, well, for Cecil Eli Heath and Tom I'm thanking you for hanging out with us today We'll be back next week and by then Tom will be an expert on something else between now and then you can hear more from Tom and Cecil on the Cognitive dissonance podcast and conversing loudly in places that serve overpriced scotch or regularly priced scotch You can also hear more from Heath Eli and me over at the Skating Atheist, the Skeptocrat, and God-Oven Movies, because we work three times as hard as they do. I'm just kidding. Skeptocrat is by weekly, so it's only two and a half times as hard.

And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a perhaps a donation at patreon.com so that I'll citation pod or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure check out CitationPod.com. you