Citation Needed - The Hatfield-McCoy Feud

Episode Date: June 6, 2018

The Hatfield–McCoy feud or the Hatfield–McCoy war as some papers at the time called it, involved two rural families of the West Virginia–Kentucky area along the Tug Fork of the Big Sandy River in the years 1863–1891. The Hatfields of West Virginia were led by William Anderson "Devil Anse" Hatfield while the McCoys of Kentucky were under the leadership of Randolph "Ole Ran'l" McCoy. Those involved in the feud were descended from Ephraim Hatfield (born c. 1765) and William McCoy (born c. 1750). The feud has entered the American folklore lexicon as a metonym for any bitterly feuding rival parties. More than a century later, the feud has become synonymous with the perils of family honor, justice, and revenge.   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

But if you look at the poster for next season, the skull is wearing the same tira. No. Yeah, cool, right? Super cool. What? Hey guys. Damn it. Eli.

Right, right. Monday. Yeah, I said a timer, so I wouldn't be surprised anymore. Yeah, I should do that. That's smart. I gotta start doing that. Now, wait, wait. Hear me out.

Today is the Hatfield McCoy feud. So I got us pitchforks and muskids and he's cool outfits. We can do a little bit. Okay, honestly, credit where credits do the amount of horse manure you got into the studio is actually impressive, just like sheer volume. Thank you. Look, here's the thing, Eli.

We're impressive. We're not gonna do a wacky intro just because this week's episode is about a fight. We're professionals, we're colleagues, we're just not gonna do that. We're friends exactly. Pizza. I'm gonna rape you and is it here, shovel now?

Not if I rape you first. I won't get you. Take the shovel. I'm not even gonna grace it. All right, you won, you won. I did, I put up a fight. I did put up a fight though y'all saw that right Hello and welcome to Cytation Needed! Podcasts where you choose the subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts.

Because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Cecil and I'll be tonight's impartial adjudicator, but I won't be alone. First up, two men I always treat with equal respect, Tom and the fat vegan guy. Okay, let's fair, but that is the sort of begrudging respect that everyone knows Cecil, you don't, like, you don't mean it. You know, it's like, it's the pity fuck of respect.

Absolutely. I'm not saying to stop. I'm just kidding. You take it out. You take it. Okay, you joke, but being a fat vegan is hard. I have to eat so many Oreos. Right, so like, technically that's a compliment

from my best friend. Big bad. Are Oreos vegan? Lots of fun snacks are vegan. That's what my next message is gonna be is No, I'm yeah, Celery is not a fun snack. I'm gonna do animal liberation for my next essay You cannot stop me Yeah, right I write your essay Z. Light I can stop you have nobody's writing jokes for my essay

It's Monday at 9.46 p.m. and there's no other notes in our document. Let's go shove and sell it into myself. What the fuck's going on? Let's start the shop. Go, what would you whack? He skits everybody. Come on. Oh, no one wrote my ass hand. No one wrote jokes to make it matter. Oh. Also joining us tonight are two men who don't need me to remind them that anything they say

can and will be used against them heath and Noah I'm remaining I didn't know if that was stage direction or a line Yes, yes it was That's kind of like quit in the show. Hey look see so I'm a podcaster It's worth the self-incrimination just to know that something I said eventually mattered. It didn't. It never did. No, that's the loose. Like, internet radio.

Now, before we get started tonight, I wanted to take a second to thank our patrons. More than a second, really, because if it only took a second, I'd have to say it really fast. So thanks, patrons. Of course, if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, you should stick around to the end of the show and learn how. And with that all the way, tell us Eli what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event. We'll be talking about today. Today we'll be talking about the Hatfield McCoy feud. And Noah, you consume countless paragraphs on this topic. Are you ready to lend us your expertise? Well, 22 paragraphs actually and some of them really shouldn't have been separated. So 18 paragraphs worth, but that's plenty enough for this show. So yeah.

Oh my God. No one's even going to make this boring. I've been every one of your essays. You don't tell us how many paragraphs it is. And I've never complained about it. It's just a moral failing in your assays, but okay, fine. It's all my fault. Oh, I'm going to slit all of our wrists at the same time, guys. All right, let's move on. What was the head field in McCoy for you? Friendship bracelets of blood.

Oh, ignoring that. It was the most notorious family feud in American history until they started letting Steve Harvey host it. It's the story of a couple of teams of backwards cousin fuckers in three decades of escalating tension that includes romance, betrayal, cold blooded murder, and names so red, neckety, you'll swear I'm just making shit up and you're supposed to be a simmity Sam cuss words it is. It's the best.

Well, Carns, sorry, don't stop. Now tell us about this. That's a grass in story. Okay, guysarnit, don't stop. Now tell us about this. That's a grass and stories. Okay. Guys, pause, pay your extra. Cecil just curses old, timey style nonstop for 40 minutes. We can make this happen, people. Let's do it. Let's do it. You owe me my money and then counterproductive. I'm just saying, and it'll be because we're in the same hotel room. So we're all on a certain. All right. So when it comes to the Hatfield, McCoy, feud, there are two different origin

stories. The folk story and the story of historians will tell you. And to be honest, I get the feeling that the folk story is probably closer to the truth on this. Look at me. No, look at me in my heart. We have never been closer. You understand? Who's never closer? I love the idea that you think you have a heart, Eli. I think that's cute. That's my style. It's smelling a frown. Well, where you just heart-mouthing around the time

if I don't have a heart. What's this for, then? That long monotonous B is not a good sign, my friend. That's not. Well, that's not a good sign for him. For Teesion Proof, he has a heart. It's nice knowing my last thought will be this fucking thing. All right, so the comment telling of the story says that the feud started with an argument

about a pig. So a Southern wedding. Okay. No, the pig was pregnant. So I mean, they pretty much had. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's not much argument in those, but yeah, now the historians will argue that it actually started when a member of the Hatfield family

killed him a Koi who was just discharged from the Union Army during the Civil War. Lots of blame on both sides, yeah. It's a question. Are we talking about Haru Anota's grandfather? Like, Japan definitely doesn't have the monopoly on war holdouts. I feel like we have a pretty big chunk of the electoral map still holding out on the Civil War. Who's America? Way too much. All right. on war holdouts. I feel like we have pretty big chunk of the electoral map still holding out on the civil war. Wait too much. Alright, so now killing our soldier cousin might seem like a more plausible

genesis for a bloody feud of 30 years, but there are a few reasons it doesn't really make sense. The murder happened 13 years before the pig incident and then after the pig thing it ramps into high gear and turns to mass homicide really quick. So even if the dead union soldier really was the impetus for the fight, it's definitely the pig thing, it ramps into high gear and turns to mass homicide really quick So even if the dead union soldier really was the impetus for the fight It's definitely the pig thing that swung it into high gear. Yeah, it's like the Ramses let their bushes grow over the property line And all the sudden their neighbors are like you know what James? Oh Jesus Christ You know that deep into the South though killing a cousin is only frowned upon because

it lessons the dating pool. So it got on. Well, sympathy. So, uh, so no, who were the hat fields in the McCoy? Okay. So they were two extended families that lived on opposite sides of the get ready for the red neck names, Tug Fork, which is a true theory of the big sandy river. Is there a small?

I probably actually. All right, so the McHoy family lived mostly on the Kentucky side of Tugfork while the Hatfields lived mostly on the West Virginia side. And the whole, you know, border state during the Civil War thing would bolster the notion that the feud was really an outgrowth of the Civil War. But with only one exception, the members of both families fought for the Confederacy in that war. Okay, so just to be clear, we murdered each other for 30 years because of a pig-based argument. That's the flattering version of the story. Really, yes. Because the other one is,

they only hated Negro's mediums. Oh, I know this one. What is the best thing that could be written on the tombstone of a classical liberal? They own it. I'll get to you at two points. No, despite their characterization in Bugs Bunny cartoons, we're not talking about poor families. Okay. I'm going to have to pause and disagree if you weren't poor.

Why would you live in the cell? That doesn't even make sense of that. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for bringing that up, Tom. I mean, you look, it's 1881 when this whole thing gets started. So in a sense, everybody is poor. But like by comparison, the McCoy's were generally a middle class family and the Hatfield's

were pretty much rich. William Anderson Hatfield, the patriarch of the family owned a timbering company and was well connected politically. And by the way, if William Anderson doesn't seem as red neckiest, I promised I should point out that his nickname was devil ants. Okay. I don't know about you guys had to look up the word ants didn't know what it means. It means handle. So I think his nickname actually means like devil dick. And I don't know about you guys, but this is not a guy I pick a fight with. Right. That's why it was forked.

That's why I get it. Okay, so so when does the feud start? No, okay. Well, I'll give you the boring historian version first. Of course you will know. Amazing. Big shocker. Everyone. You just a part of it. All right.

Just because you're married doesn't mean you get to skip the four play with everybody. Wait, it doesn't. I got it. I got doped on this. Yeah, right? Right. No, they don't tell you until after you sign. So, okay. So, Asoh Harman, McCoy, joined the Union Army in October of 1863. And within six weeks, he takes a nonfatal bullet to the chest and gets captured by the rebels. Four months after that, he's released to a union hospital in Maryland and since he's basically useless to the war effort, they send him home in December of 64. Of course, home in this instance is the southernmost end of West Virginia, Kentucky, and that's an active war zone at the moment.

Wait, I want to roll back here. He took a bullet to the chest back then. Did the Civil War doctors just amputate and he had to spend the rest of his life with a peg torso? Tug fork peg torso. There's a lot of words. I thought had different meanings in the sense of guys and really Doing my best to learn. Well the important thing to keep in mind Cecil is that the guns weren't a hell of a lot better than the medicine back then Well, the important thing to keep in mind, Cecil, is that the guns weren't a hell of a lot better than the medicine back then. Makes the, makes the amendments make more sense too. So, on his way home, a group of rebels capture and kill him.

This happens in January of 65. And according to the McCoy's, both then and now, he was killed by a member of the Hatfield family, one of devil, Anson's uncles named Jim Vance. Old devil, Dick strikes again. Yeah. There'll be a lot of that. Now, if we believe that this really did start the feud, we have to believe that the McCoy side then buy to their time for 13 years and their grand plan was to get the Hatfields

to randomly fuck them on a pig deal. So in my opinion, the real start of the feud is in 1878 when devil lances cause an Floyd Hatfield gets into an argument with Randolph McCoy over the ownership of a pig Just like two hillbilly's kneeling down trying to get a pig to come to Making stupid noises here big come here buddy Pig sound Turns out the pigs dead I don't know. Turns out the pigs dad. Carnaug, carnaug.

Come on. To be fair, they got a little jealous after they both played seven minutes in heaven with that pig. I mean, like, I'm looking for a pig. I mean, anything who can blame them. It's All right. So this case ends up going to trial the case of the pig and the justice of the

piece finds for the Hatfields, but the McCoy's aren't 100% sure that justice of the peace finds for the half fields, but the McCoy's aren't 100% sure that justice of the peace Anderson Hatfield is being entirely objective. Okay, check it out. I learned this from a Jew book. What have we cut the pig in half? And that's how we fit. Cool, great, no, no, no. It's supposed to, nevermind, fucking Floyd gets

and my cousin is, and he has done my thing. So, Floyd does indeed get the pig and the McCoy's get revenge. The trial rested on the testimony of a dude named Bill Staten who is relative of both families. Couple years later, Staten is killed by two McCoy brothers. It's cool guys. Just as the piece to Anderson Hatfield, he made his mark on that conflict of interest. I will think so. It's not fine. I want to have to recuse my sir. Recuse means you're not deciding just to be clear. Oh, did I say recuse?

I mean impartially decide in favor of my family. Donald Trump runs up. He's like, how would you like to run a justice department? Now, an argument can certainly be made that this was unrelated to the pig fight. The McCoy brothers in question were later acquitted on the grounds of self-defense, and little's known about what led up to the killing. But there's no question that from here on out, the feud is in high gear. If there's one thing this show has taught me, it's a love of the careful language of Wikipedia editors. I just want them to describe everything.

At this point in the mori show, upon learning he wasn't the father, Kyle began to dance energetically, presumably because he was happy to hear the news. Okay, you know, all right, you guys left, but I keep calling that show and they will not return my calls. I want to dance that dance.. I want to dance that dance. It's like I want to dance that dance so much. Just your paycheck. All right.

So the next provocation comes with a little hillbilly Romeo and Juliet story in which Rosanna McCoy falls in love with devil, devil, devil, answer son Johnson Hatfield who they call away. Wait, wait, I got this. Uh, Jefferson Beauregard, Lucifer Sessions. Good, good, good, good, guess. Uh, but no, they call him John C. So she runs off to be with her beloved, the family gets pissed and talks her to come and back. And then when John C comes to hold his like 19th century boom box under her window or whatever. The McCoy's perform a citizen's arrest on Johnson's outstanding bootlegging warrants,

which is something that I kind of assume everyone in Kentucky and West Virginia had at the time. Any second, we're going to find out that this version of William Shakespeare's play had a whole barnyard cast and Tiblet was an actual cat. Some hillbilly standing outside Rosanna's balcony on ground level in the manure just. Moving her with the irresistible charm of the South. Come on out, baby.

Show me your titties. So, bring beans. Bring beans. Yeah. Some time on her tradition here. Of course, with her Romeo arrested and facing jail time, she rushes to the Hatfields and asked for devilance as help. So the Hatfields former rescue party that surround them a coise that had taken him and they take Johnson back unharmed. But

since this is Kentucky and not Verona, instead of dying in each other's arms, Johnson knocks up Rosanna and then leaves her for her cousin. Oh, wasn't his cousin? This is like a West Virginia version of a mixed marriage. Yeah, right? National Guard shows up. Fuck this non-relative right now. Y'all have too many fingers. Look at Cleese, that's like 10, 15, 20, fucking 30 fingers, you're freaking people out.

You got to fuck somebody else. Prove it, count them. You're free to go. Yeah. All right. Yeah, well, so no incest in this story, sorry, but at least he was uncle dad to somebody, and that's what matters.

Uncle dad, old dad. Now, the next chapter of the feud comes in 1882 when one of devilance's brothers gets into a brawl with three of Rosanna McQuay's brothers, whose names are, I shit you not, Tolbert Farmer with a pH and bud. three of Rose Anima Koi's brother, whose names are, I shit you not, toll-burt farmer with a pH and bud. Now this fight breaks out on election day and ends with devil answers brother, Ellison

getting stabbed 26 times and then shot. Wait, 26 stabs was it like a semi automatic knife with The bump stuck like how the fuck does that happen? Can I get stabbed two dozen times and like cousin Farva, he's like, Baker's two dozen. Chang, sorry, sorry, I didn't get my turn. So the McCoy brothers are arrested, but devilance rounds up a posse and intercepts the constables transporting them for trial. They take the three brothers back to West Virginia, tie them up and execute them with something like 50 bullets.

Yeah. See, that's why you don't wear blackface. And why you never touch your wallet. You got to stop resisting people got to learn. It's dangerous. Learning is not what the South is known for, Heath. That's not. No, I'm not likely to have.

It's bad as some of this sounds. It's worth remembering that this is pretty much just how justice worked in Appalachia back then. Back then. Okay. Well, that thinks you would have a different degrees. So pretty much everybody agreed that devil adds this vigilante posse was just doing its shop. But despite that, about 20 men were indicted. Of course, nobody really wanted to arrest them.

So they all eluded arrest by, you know, continuing to live in their homes and carry on their daily law. Proud tradition we call whiting. And that's where the name White House comes from. See, you learn things. We are an educational show. Thank you, iTunes. And this is why I fuck the sheriff in every town. I moved to it. Insurance people. Of course, this enraged the McCoy's and this is where they elicit the help of Perry Klein. Okay. So he's an inlaw of the McCoy's that lost thousands of acres of land to devil and some lawsuits. So he is a very motivated ally. He also has political connections that rival devil and so so he put them to work getting the charges reinstated and while this is happening a couple more hap fields get incidentally

killed by a couple more McCoy's. So a constable named cap hap field gets together with Jim fans and one of them murder posse they seem to be able to round up at a moment's notice and they set off for what would become known as the New Year's night massacre. Wait, wait, wait, let me guess. Long Island ice teas, because I've been there. Alright, well, with the promise of a good massacre on the other side, we'll take a quick break for everybody's favorite use of the music, apropos of nothing. Hi, I'm Tom.

And I'm called the Pug of Pegasus. And will you tell you about the site they should need at live show? It's your gongo! Wait, sorry, you're... What, you're a what? I'm a Pug of Pegasus. What's a Pug of Poppacorn? I'm a Pug of Pegasus. I'm a one-ga Poppacorn? I'm a Pugga Pegacorn.

I'm one half Pug, one half Pegasus, and one half Unicorn. No, that is not possible, it's not even how halves work. I'm a running character on-game. That's what I have. I don't listen to that. Okay, you want to do the promo? Or you want to go through the characters, you don't? Oh, God, sure.

Yeah, Carl, go ahead. Okay, August 11th in Chicago. We'll be doing a live show with the whole cast and crew, but that's not all. Okay. So how do you fly? I need to just help me. I fly with magic, Tom. I guess I'll just read your line that we've also got VIP tickets, which include a seat in the first few rows and an exclusive meet and greet with the cast before the show. What do you mean magic? Magic, Tom., magic professionalism, little professional, and don't forget our platinum tickets. As of this recording, there's only

a few left, but you'll get to go to a special never to be recorded performance of citation needed, including dinner, drinks the night before the show plus VIP tickets to the show itself. That's two nights of entertainment. You can't get anywhere else. Okay, wait, back up. Do you have any powers? Like, how does this go? All right, you know what? I'm outta here.

Okay, um, take it, link in the show notes. I don't know if the magic dog is going or not. It's very confusing. Look up at your gun. Jopin' a rapsy. Psyshare? Uh, yeah, clean us. So, the hat feels in the McCoy's Zadded again. Well, Tarnation, what are they up to now?

Well, sir Gator doesn't stab Jimmy Bob over in the fact that Jimmy Bob done knocked up his sister and left her for her cousin Lorna Dune. Oh, when a message trouble this will be. Well, it gets worse, sir. See, cold train done her with Jimmy Bob done, so he goes down to the saloon and shoots Jabbernickie right in the stomach. No, that can't be.

Yes, sir, but it gets even worse. Flim flams, he's with cold train done, so he gave us a squoosh, squoosh, bombats forever and the numeral seven to form up a murder party and then hunt them down at his farm. Wait, wait, hold on. What? Sorry. What was it? Who now? I was a scooch, scooch. What warm bats forever in the numeral seven? And now look, those, those sound like fake

name. I told you, David and bucks, pay up. Wait, are any of those people real? Nah, we was, we just see how many ridiculous names before you question what I was saying. Lost me 10 damn. Okay. Okay. Long bass forever was too far. Well don't know what that is. What is that? And we're back when the last left off, Noah is teasing us about something called the New Year's Night's Massacre. How does that play out, Noah? Okay, so 1887 mostly went pretty good for the McCoy, as far as the feud went.

They'd killed more Hatfields than the Hatfields. It killed them. They got indictments against all the main bad guys. And there was actually a bit of political pressure to turn those into arrests. But 1888 would be a bad year pretty much right away. It's more than dead. Yeah, more there and are dead. How many more?

Wow, I hold up my hand, but I'm missing all my fingers. I ain't gonna help. Yeah, we'll try counting your teeth then. All right, now you're just being mean, okay? Not now. Not in front of Squirtz. Don't do this. All right, so on New Year's night, a posse full of Hatfield snuck over the border and surrounded the home of McQuay Patriarch Randolph. How do they get these posse? It's like a pick up basketball game, but for murder. They had a weekly like shirts and skins. Let's go.

We're all in my little home. I'm intrigued. I'm just, I never get picked. I always get picked last for everything. That's like the dude who lasts for the murder of the mother of the posse. I always get picked for skins. I first. I grew up in Georgia. I always get picked for skins. I grossed. I grew up in Georgia.

This is not surprising at all. It's even okay. So okay, so with Randolph, his wife and his kids in the house, the murder passie sets it on fire and positions themselves to shoot anybody who came out. Now, some out Randolph did survive, but two of his kids were shot and killed, and his wife was captured and beaten almost to death and

Since they were running for their lives through the mountains in January without had time to put on their shoes The kids all suffered from frostbite too. Okay, but this is the dream though when you're a kid like if I got chased into the woods by my house I had hiding spots and like footsteps for bad Weeping stashes. I'd be pumped like holy shit's finally happening. That'll be what I call. It's all good team go. That's why you've been playing manhood that whole time.

Okay, I know I spent my childhood in a hammock eating soft cheeses, but I'm pretty sure manhunt didn't involve secret weapon caches. I'm a little girl up playing manhunt on grinder Eli. So I bet you I had more fun. All right, so by now this view has been going strong for a full 10 years and it was starting to get national attention. Mark Twain makes a veiled reference to it and Huckleberry Finn, which was published in 1883.

The governors of both states had threatened to use their respective militias to resolve the dispute, and now that it had elevated to people like setting each other's houses on fire and shooting their kids on the way out, even the lack of daisicle authorities and those shit hole states recognized that they had to do something. He's like, stop shooting timeout. We'll give you a fucking pig. Whatever. Blam, fuck you on me. Oh, so this all leads us to the battle of

grapevine creek. After the New Year's night massacre, a posse led by Pike County share a Frank Phillips basically invaded West Virginia to track down devil answered his gang out laws. And they catch up with Jim Vance first, the guy who said to have killed Aisa in the boring origin story. Okay. If Aisa hadn't tried devil anist or whatever, this could have all been avoided. You guys, I got a bookmark something. I'm going to be right back. Yeah. You do. All right. So the posse kills Jim Vance when he refused to be arrested. And then they managed to round up a couple more of the suspects from the massacre, but eventually they cornered the rest of them on the banks of grapevine

creek. All right. So a battle ensues between the two parties. Two hat fields were killed in the fighting, but eventually they surrender. Yeah, but in the end, don't we all surrender to death, sweet, sweet embrace. Tom gets it. Well, yeah. Okay. In that case, the other two also serve. I love this too though. At the point that after they surrendered, a third Hatfield was killed because Frank Phillips

does not fuck around. Okay. I want to see how that went. Which is like, we surrender, Blam. Okay. Now you surrender. I get it right. Exactly like that actually.

All right. So at all, eight Hatfields were taken back to Kentucky to stand trial for the murder of one of Randolph McCoy's daughters. I don't know why they didn't really seem worried about the other one. And just as a side, the way the daughter's name here was Ella Fair. And one of the Hatfields they brought back was named wall. Now because the extradition wasn't exactly legal, the Supreme Court actually gets involved here and ultimately decides that even though they were basically illegally kidnapped, since

the Hatfields were in custody in Kentucky at the moment, they still had to stay in trial there. All eight were found guilty, seven were sentenced to life in prison, and the eighth one cotton top mounts was executed for crowds of thousands. What? Cotton top mounts was executed? What? What? Cotton top mounts. That was drum roll before the ex-git. They just had a couple of hicks on the washboard.

Yeah, I guess like they just used the existing band from the burlesque minstrel show starring cotton top mount because that's the only job you can have if your name is a cotton top mount. Are there still tickets available for that one? Yeah, right. Listeners, I don't know how to ask a lot of you, but please, please, let's bring back the name cotton top. We can do it.

Come on, name your kid. Okay, so from there, the few sort of fades into day time, but it doesn't really end. Okay, so for there, the feud sort of fades into day time, but it doesn't really end. Okay, so for decades, curious story has reported ongoing animosity between the families, though it never rose to the level of outright murder again. I mean, to be very, be a little weird if the week after they were totally cool, right? Like, running into an overly friendly acts. Like, oh, you poisoned me. When is this going? Running into a running over.

I heard running over. Anyone else for running over? Get you to know our lawyer. Definitely heard running into. So the notorious feud moved into American lore before it even reached its crescendo. So it's no surprise that you'll find references to it everywhere. Now, it's referenced in properties as diverse as world of warcraft and bugs bunny cartoons, including one with a really creepy proto-elmer fud really freaks me out. It's also spawned at least

half a dozen films, including one of my all-time favorite silent films, Buster Keaton's Our Hospitality. Okay, gonna go ahead and pause here. Noah has favorite silent films. Let that one just sink in for a moment guys. just anyone actually know how old know what is anyone with the painting. You got to count the rings. Fun facts for that Buster Keaton film, the shot where he burns the house down and beats that woman almost to death, they actually did that. They just used it. He just used it up to run. Buster Keaton did not. All right. So Eli has, Eli has watched some silent movies too. Um, now the, the view did officially end, but not until June of 2003 when descendants of both families agreed to a truce.

Okay. You guys stay away from the apartheid fence. What would shoot you in the face? Deal. Deal. It's 2003. Heath is graduating from college. By the way, symbolic is that truth might seem. It's worth noting that just a year earlier, a couple of McCoy's had to sue a Hatfield to get access to a family graveyard where half a dozen McCoy's were buried. What the fuck you want? No. And it's like, nobody's getting like what the fuck?

And in case nobody's clear by the way on who won the feud, well, that would be the McCoy's as adjudicated by a 1979 episode of the game show family feud. Oh God. Where are the great grandchildren of the McCoy's outgain the great grandchildren of the half feels by $2,813 over a week long tournament. Oh, God.

I'm guessing they tried this a few other times before that, but whenever they did that face-off question at the beginning, one guy would buzz in, the other guy would dive across and stab him 26 times. Other fun fact, not the most stabbings on an episode of Family Feud. Okay, I just, I just, I actually watched the episode, one of the episodes of Family Feud. Okay. I just, I just, I actually watched the episode, one of the episodes of Family Feud between the Hatfields and McCoy's and to, I shit you not. One of the prizes was a pig that they put in a cage. Yes.

In the center of the game show arena to mock their history and heritage in front of the deaths of their grandparents. Yeah. Oh, fucking delicious. We gotta keep that going, right? Like, gonna get us some German families together and my family and then like, oh, the grand prize is a bunch of gold filling. Come on. We could just put you in the cage in between I don't know, that was a pretty one-sided feud. I'm just saying.

And they just wait for a while. While you're in the cage. Right. Yeah. Animal Liberation. Some Russians show up and just win at the end. What does the survey say? Six million.

What is it? No, the German family would refuse to guess that number. They'd be like, actually, it was like six to say the numbers. Angela Merkel is vac as about global warming. Number three answer citation. All right. So by the way, in case you wanted to, uh, to rank it based on death is instead of dollars, the, the half feels one 11 to five. That's the slaughter world. They had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, what would it be? America is the kind of country that lets bloody massacres inspire wacky slapstick dinner

with you. So, did you force Tennessee, y'all? That's where class lives. All right, let's do this quest thing, Eli, you're first. Okay, Noah. As you can tell, this feud is famous for its incredibly stupid names, which is a real name slash nickname involved in the few that I found on the Wikipedia article. Is it a Randolph old Randall McCoy?

B Mingo country. C a human being named Yoraya Runya. Yeah. All of the above white people never get to complain about black names ever again. I'm going to go with, uh, well, yeah, I wanted to get a lot of these in and I couldn't find a reason to really bring, uh, Yoraya into it, but I'm going to go with secret answer E all of the above except for the R in Mingo country because it was Mingo County. That is a secret answer E was correct. Oh, got it, got it.

Corrected the question. That was amazing. Yeah, now it's your turn, Tom. All right, so family feud is clearly the only way we have to solve long standing serious crises. You can all agree on that, that's obvious. Which of the below questions and answers from family feud is not real?

Oh, I love this. What is something that dries up when it gets old? Answer asparagus. I don't know, I just want to be name a body part that starts with the letter T answer on TV titties. Name something a doctor might pull out of a person. Answer a germal. D when you were a kid, name something you used to practice kissing. Answer sister. That was on Hatfield McCoy episode.

Wasn't it? Yeah. He named something you pull out. Answer your penis. That's the best. That's the best thing that's not true. F name a job of 30, but someone has to do it. Answer no shit, kind of colleges.

G, no, this is real. These are all real. This is amazing. We should have watched the show. Well, I can't really go with G because we should because Steve Harvey hosted now, but like the old ones. Yeah. I know. The half These are great answers.

I know. The Hatfield and McCoy's had their differences, but what did they both enjoy? A, several rows of tea. B, web depended, is see a small flipper hands spouting from the smalls of their back. Nice. Or D, their sisters. Cause they're from the smalls of their back. Nice. Or D their sisters. Cause they're from the south.

Yeah, no, I'll say what I lived in the south for a very long time. And the mutation thing is a little overblown of the incest not so much. I'm going to go D their sister's answer. Would have also accepted secret answer E. would have also accepted secret answer E all the time. All right, Noah. So the the proud Hatfield name obviously came about when the original patriarch started naming things he could see and he saw a hat and a field.

And they used the other stuff he named for the family crest, which the following are some other items on that crest? A, a hat in a field, just to be sure everybody gets it. I want to be clear. B, a slave. C, a bunch of other slaves. D, a naked family member. E, the aggressive overbite of the person talking to you guys I really use it to see or F all of the above.

It's actually F or no way. I got to get this one wrong. I'm going to go with, you know what? I'm going to go with C a bunch of other slaves, but not be a slave just to see if I can do that. Just the answer was F all of the above. Oh, I was afraid of that, but I had to get something wrong at the end. You see.

Keith, you are the winner this week. You get to pick who the next essayist is. Oh, I'm going with Tom. No. Tom is next. I don't want to do that. No. Jack Tom winner, it's Tom.

All right. Now I'll toss it over to Sarah for the last Twitter answer and this week's Twitter question. Thanks, Cecil. The last question was, what should the sacred band of thieves motto have been? The answer comes from Frosty Man on Twitter with this. The sacred band of thieves. We came, we saw, we came, we conquered, we came. This week's question is, a lot of people think that a pig isn't worth starting a 30-year bloody conflict over, but none of us know that pig.

What made it so special? Just retweet our Facebook Share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you, Cecil. Alright, well, for Eli, Heath, Noah, and Tom, I'm Cecil. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, Tom will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can catch more of Tom and I on Cognitive Dissonance

and more of Eli Heath and Noah on the scathing atheist, the Skeptocrat, and God-Offal movies. Also, Eli has an Etsy page or blog or something, I'm not sure. And if you'd like to keep helpful... I'd like to keep this show going, you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod, or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. Like graffiti, like you could just put it somewhere,

you could spray paint it on a bridge. We don't even care at this point. And if you'd like to get touched with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citation pod.com. or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com. Uh, uh, this is the Sheriff's Office. Uh-huh. Wait, you're seeing Jim Bob Crimshaw and Contop Wack Daddy got into a knife fight, huh?

Now, real quick, are those prank names? Oh okay over then not all right okay I'll write over nope sorry I'm sorry for asking I'm sorry for asking