Citation Needed - The Jamestown Colony

Episode Date: November 25, 2020

The Jamestown[a] settlement in the Colony of Virginia was the first permanent English settlement in the Americas. It was located on the northeast bank of the James (Powhatan) River about 2.5 mi (4 km) southwest of the center of modern Williamsburg.[1] It was established by the Virginia Company of London as "James Fort" on May 4, 1607 O.S. (May 14, 1607 N.S.),[2] and was considered permanent after a brief abandonment in 1610. It followed several failed attempts, including the Lost Colony of Roanoke, established in 1585 on Roanoke Island. Jamestown served as the colonial capital from 1616 until 1699. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

But why would you make a government is coming to force you into quarantine movie now? Because Michael Bayes the fourth dumbest person on the planet? Well, yeah, but still no veto. Absolutely not. Yeah, definitely not okay. We're not doing it. No. What?

This is a genuine ego feather. No, it's not the objection. Hey, guys. What's doing? Oh, hey, no, hey, see? So we were just approving Eli's costume for his, you know, pre-apples and it's not going well. It's really not because these guys keep saying, no, what have you tried so far? Oh, okay. Well, let's see, two Native American costumes. Absolutely not. Gonna have also three very uncomfortable,

Hannibal outfits, I believe Eli described the most. Okay, no. No, probably no. No. Okay, okay, I have one more. Just give me a second, it's in that. We said it's in that. It never dresses other races.

What does he not get about the never dresses other races in the entire race apparently? So, here, okay? What do you guys think? I'm just a normal everyday pilgrim. Okay, that's actually better. It's, yeah, no, it's kind of festive.

And here is my 12 year old daughter. Now, who would like to fuck her? There it is. The fuck, God damn it, dude. Oh, look at it. Too old. There it is. Oh my god. God damn it. To old Hello and welcome, Citation Needed. Podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet.

That's how it works now. I'm Eli Bosnick and I'll be leading this expedition. But if you'll learn anything this week, it's that I'll need a band of useless white guys. First up, two men who turn to cannibalism way way too quickly. ETH AND TOM. I had like one bite at one time. You're being ridiculous. It was like a- You're grass fed, you barely move around all day. You're like high-end Veeel.

But without the guilt of eating a baby, it's true. It's true. Right, well, yeah, it's just better than Ville, actually. Look, man, if that guy didn't want to be on the menu, maybe he shouldn't have showed up and announced dinner. Tom, that was the grub hub guy. Does still his fault, fuck that guy. And also joining us tonight, two men who look like

the world's longest-running game of cowboys and Indians, Cecil and Noah. Jesus Christ, Eli, cowboys and Indians, Cecil and Noah. Jesus Christ, Eli, cowboys and Indians. We don't call that anymore. We call them cow persons. Cow persons now. Right? Yeah, you don't have to really worry about offending the Native Americans. The Nomencladers isn't going to piss them off as much as the physical comparison.

Now, before we begin tonight, I'd like to take a second to thank our patrons. We know that many of you can't gather with your friends and family as you usually do this time of year, but thanks to our patrons, you could put our podcast at one end of the table and never be lonely because we're like friends who can pause. And I'd be glad to learn how to try and know where to start to stick around to the end of the show. And, please, that on the ring, tell us, Keith. What person placed the concept phenomenon or event we'll be talking about today?

So, I was just pausing Eli. And we're going to be talking about the American colony at Jamestown. And Tom, you keep bringing in stories of cannibalism till you find a loophole from modern times. Are you ready to weave us a yarn? If this one doesn't work, I've got several more lined up. So let's get going. At a feeling.

So tell us, Tom, what was the Jamestown colony? We know when I saw that our essay today was scheduled to release around Thanksgiving, I thought, oh, that's cool. That story's actually kind of awful, so that would make its own great citation needed. But you know, the more I read about some of the original settlers of this great land,

the more I realized that while many of them were inept, incompetent, and unprepared, none of them could hold a candle to the story of the first permanent English settlement at Jamestown. So, story begins in late 1606 when a charter from the London company consisting of three ships, Discovery, Godspeed, and very weirdly Susan Constant sets. It's fucking Sue, whatever, that's the't know. The discovery, the Godspeed. It's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's intending to make the perilous voyage across the sea to, well, plunder America and return vast wealth back to England. That was, that was the jam. That journey lasted for four months, because evidently they couldn't get it direct, and they had layovers at the Canary Islands,

Spain, and Puerto Rico, though they did eventually make their way to mainland America in April of 1607. I feel like the Susan constant should be part of an equation and how likely you are to become a Karen. All right, he's a well 55% of white women voted for Trump. I think that's the constant you're looking for. She's a constant. I don't feel like to add as a white man, end of thought. I'm going to say.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. But of course, one does not simply sightland and heave anchor upon laying one's eyes upon the vast expanse of the American wilderness. The settlers drove around first for parking, abandoning Cape Henry and exploring until they found just the perfect spot. This took 18 days before they settled on the spit of land that would become Jamestown

in what is now Virginia. They chose their spot because the peninsula was easily defensible and from the way it is described, I guess, so awful that nobody else would want to. And I mean that. One of the selling points for the settlers was that this hunk of garbage country in Virginia was uninhabited by native tribes. Hey, normally the people were stealing from a kind of mad about it, but now they're just like ushering us right in to this one spot.

Must be. Yeah. So for their part, the natives avoided the area because it was swampy, plagued with disease carrying mosquitoes, isolated from any arable land and had an undrinkable, brackish water supply. Well, okay, but that's like most of the real estate listings around me and Georgia though. I get it. It's the subway car with only one guy in it. If choosing such an insanely unsuitable location strikes you as odd, let me give you a rundown on who these settlers were. Did you guys ever play one of those games where you have to choose who you'd want to be on a deserted island or who you'd kind of on eyes Mars with and you know, you only have so many people

you can bring. So you're stuck between how many doctors and how many engineers are you going to need to survive? Clearly none of these guys ever played that game because very, very few of the original settlers at Jamestown were useful for anything other than Ballast. Okay, but let's not shit on Ballast. I mean, I've been described as the comedy Ballast for multiple shows.

You're welcome. I'm always fucking dreamed about providing Ballast for the comedy of others. And now I'm in. Fuck all of you. This is a joke, this is an independent joke. I'm not being Ballast all of you. This is a joke. This is an independent joke. I have been balanced right now.

Assholes. Oh my God. I'd so from the three ships, there were for some reason six captains. So I guess each ship had a spare. Day captain night captain Tom. For the vice president. That's the most important thing. ship had a spare day, Captain night, Captain Tom, the vice president. All right, fine. You got it.

Then there was a preacher. They had one of those. It's 1606. I'll give them a pass on that one. He had six carpenters. See my good skill to have only one blacksmith. So everyone should be very careful with that guy. You don't have a lot of

Smithery wiggle room on board. There's one guy who was marked as a sailor. So he was probably really tired after four months of sailing. We think we've been supposed to vote. One barber got to look spiff in your ins the stories, I guess. As many barbers as a sailor. I was gonna cut their hair. He had that's dumb to be excited. Whatever. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Two brick layers, one Mason. I don't know how those are different. A tailor, one drummer. Of course. No other. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're laughing, but there were also 14 gentleman man's services. Wow. So, there were no soldiers, no farmers, no doctors.

That might have been a good thing. Yeah. 48 guys on board whose job was to know which fork to use at a dinner party and 14 dudes who shined those guys' shoes. Great. That was the manifest. Okay, I know you're joking about this, but all of our millennial listeners

just desperately added gentlemen to their resume to see what they did. That's what they did. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Isn't it kind of crazy when the only woman you brought with you is the name of one of your ships? That's right, I'm just adding gentlemen to my resume. And boy and boy. Low comedy balance. It's the commonly better. Yes, thank you. Whatever. Now, this next part,

you can't really blame on the side of yourselves, but they're arrival in 1607. Just happen to coincide with a terrible drought. According to research obtained from 800-year-old Cypress trees, the area was in the midst of the worst drought that it had ever seen in 700 years. Wow. This drought had actually begun just the year before, in 1606, it would last until 1612. That is really just a hell of a coincidence,

and it would not do these English dandies a whole lot of favors. I know I said the drought wasn't the fault of the settlers, and it wasn't. But it was their fault they didn't fucking arrive and choose the worst spot on the entire East Coast to set up shop until mid-May, because that is far too late to plant any of their crops for the year, and also the bulk of the settlers had no experience at all with hard labor, so even if they had arrived in time for the planting, none of them knew how to do it,

or had any fortitude for hard work. Within a few months, 80% of the original settlers were dead. Okay, what did they think they were gonna do? Yeah, right, yeah, right. Like even if you'd shown up on time, you know, we're a few months away from starving if there's a drought is still under supply. So some of those who survived decided that, you know, colonizing a foreign land wasn't

almost cracked up to be and decided they'd be better off if they took up with the natives. Around Jamestown, there was a fairly sizable population of Senokamaka peoples and Algonquin speaking tribe belonging to the Palhauten Confederacy. When the settlers first arrived the scene was full of good vibes There's feasting dancing tobacco ceremonies But local tribes soon became tired of the settler shit and mounted a series of attacks on the fort at Jamestown So the settlers had to deal with that too. When you painted your shutters a different color, whole time the Homeowners Association's got, eh. We said no sheds.

Hey, Susan Constant, I'll paint them back. To all the blank listeners who wrote down gentlemen earlier, a Homeowners Association is a thing when you own property. And there's like, I don't know myself, but apparently there's like rules of value. You're not too sure with that. So by 1608, a resupply was supplies and German and Polish craftsmen arrived. And all the

supplies were most welcome. A lot of the OG settlers were already dead. The German and Polish craftsmen brought with them valuable skills to be sure, but they also needed to be fed and food was in tragically short supply. The James Town settlement was on the edge of ruin. The Germans who arrived often just defected and joined the local Indian tribes, taking with them valuable weapons and equipment that the settlers needed from that resupply.

In fact, the Germans were so disgusted with the state of affairs that they even hatched a plan to combine forces with the Spanish and Pajotan Indians to attack the English fort, a plan which was only foiled by sheer chance when in English ship the Marion John arrived and intimidated the smaller Spanish forces lurking nearby. Wow. It's a good thing there wasn't an inhospitable shitty, spittle land allura mowat. A few quick notes on why this was all going so much worse than the English expected it to. It was because the English were fucking stupid.

That's the main reason. See Tom is also getting ready for his essay on Brexit. So you're doing two for this week. You see, the settlers expected to arrive in America and just find gold laying around everywhere. And they were going to take the golden and be rich. That was the plan, actually. Never mind that they hadn't actually scouted this out first, so they never really intended to build a sustainable community. But once the massive investment was made to set up this colony, England demanded that the settlers figure something out and start paying back mother England.

If the streets themselves weren't lined with gold, then they best get to figuring it out because shit was coming to do. England was demanding that the colonists pay back the cost of the voyage, provide quote, a lump of gold, which I love as just an inshowning unit. A lump? That's a one lump. Okay. Just give me a lump.

They also wanted an assurance that the settlers found the South Sea, and they wanted them to return at least one member of the lost colony of Rona. What? What in the five? I'm not getting these guys. This feels like a quest from a video game.

And five golden hemorrhoids. And a strawberry. What? So I'm not kidding at all. Those were the English demands. That's what they were requiring. In return, Captain John Smith demanded, and again, I'm not making this up. He demanded that investors send to the colony

some motherfuckers with actual usable skills because all the dandies were dead and the Germans they just sent over. We're forging alliances with the Spanish and trying to kill them. Yeah, it's just I just can't get over they just they think gold's lying around it. If you think gold's lying around and you just want to go why not just send empty fucking boats like maybe they did send scouts to the scouts coming back and going like nope there's

no gold and they're like, no gold. Turn out your pockets. Turn them out. So John Smith ends up getting badly burned in a gunpowder accident not long after his pleas for help. And he has to return to England, but his arrival back England seems to have lit a fire in those at home where to stake in at least some of the settler's survival. John Smith's like lit a fire, Tom, really? Little fire. So a third supply mission was dispatched in 1609.

The flagship of which was the sea venture. That was a purpose-built ship, captain by the same guy who first brought the Jamestown settlers to Virginians, 1607, Captain Newport. This ship, along with six more, carried 214 additional settlers and just mountains of much-needed supplies. So, of course, they ran into a massive storm and the fleet of ships were quickly separated. Some of the smaller ships made it to Jamestown, but the bulk of the resupply was on the sea venture,

which was tossed about in a hurricane for three days before running a ground on a reef in Bermuda. Oh man, Bermuda instead of swamp ass Virginia holy shit. Yeah, old-timey travel upgrades were fucking dope. Man, you only have to take that all day. I can't help but feel there was a little bit of, oh no, we're in Bermuda. We're in Bermuda. Whatever we do. That happened. We're in the middle. Whatever, oh no.

That happened. The anchor fell down. We can't leave without our comedy ballast. He's on show. The survivors from the sea venture were stranded in Bermuda, stranded in Bermuda for nine months. Well, because the weather's so big, I got cold, I got really cold, I got iced in probably. So here I have to give them some credit. These guys were stranded and rather than look around and realize they were in Bermuda with

a ship full of supplies. So maybe this would be a good time to stop being English. Instead, they foraged from the grounded sea venture enough materials to make two new ships, deliverance and patience, which is pretty damn incredible, because again, I would have built myself a treehouse in Bermuda and forgotten all about Jamies. Yeah, I mean, if anything, you know, if you feel guilty, you build one ship and then go tell all those other motherfuckers about Bermuda. Guilty you build one ship and then go tell all those other motherfuckers about Bermuda with it. Right.

Day two, a ship of swizzle straws and tiny umbrellas crashes on the beach. Okay, see this, this is a sign. We were saying tiny umbrella. Teaky torches. We're staying. That's it. So meanwhile, remember the James tone, like they really, really needed that resupply, but while the industrious English were busily building smaller boats from a broken, bigger

boat, the remaining James Town settlers were starving. In fact, this period from 1609 to 1610 was referred to as quote, the starving time. Okay. Quote. Uh, because when you're hungry, I guess you don't go all in on cleverness. Oh, okay. Solid meeting, guys. Good to have a title for that.

Yeah. That's the time. Nice. Good day. So. The settlers were boiling the leather from their shoes and eating snakes, but once they ran out of normal English food, they then had to turn to cannibalism.

Okay, you know what? Feels like it's time for another title. It definitely looks like an inflection point when we started eating people, right? Like title wise. So, meeting tomorrow? Title? Cool. I was thinking of the cannibal time, just, yeah, that's not right.

I wanna call dibs on that now. Eating John Malcolm, is that taken? So George Percy describes the time this way, quote, having fed upon our horses and other beasts as long as they lasted, we were glad to make shift with vermin as dogs, cats, rats, and mice, as to eat boots, shoes, or any other leather, and now famine beginning to look ghastly and pale in every face that nothing was spared to maintain life and to do those things which seems incredible as to dig up dead

corpses out of graves and to eat them. And some have licked up the blood, which have fallen from their weak fellows. So things were, I think it's fair to say, not looking good. It's never good to look over at your fellow colonizers and see them transform into a, like a giant hot dog on a bun. All right. Well, Thomas found yet another opportunity to spend several paragraphs describing eating people, so we're going to get him a sandwich, less star lives be in danger, and while we do that, you listen to a little apropos of nothing. Doin' boat stuff. Boat stuff is my favorite stuff.

Um, captain. Yes. Yes, second captain. How could I help you? Yeah, I was just going over the shit manifest that it seems there's there's an error in here really. Oh, well, what is it? Well, it's the cruiser. It says here we have 11 captains right. Oh, you never know when you're going to need somebody to take the wheel. Okay, okay, but here it says there's also three Haberdashers. We obviously.

Um, how is that obvious? Okay, so you need the bad cheap Haberdasher and obviously that implies that you would then have a good Haberdasher. Yeah, a good one. Yeah, right. And then the Haberdasher that you go to because he's just a little closer to your house. Okay, but what about the nine soft core erotica authors? Oh wow, we only got nine.

Yeah, you're right, that might actually be tricky. Right, but sir, there's no farmer on here, no workers. There's six poets, two cobblers, one book finder, 17 lighting designers, but nobody who's gonna help you know, help us survive? Well, you've only listed 24 people, there's five more on the crew. Hey, what are they? absolutely fucked. And we're back. And we left off, oh, tiny racists were dying, so it's okay.

Oh, no! She's... Go on. So by May of 1610, the resupply ships, patients, and deliverance arrived, though they were not able to carry nearly as much as the original sea venture, the resupply cargo ship. But once the crew took a look at the flesh eating zombies still staggering around in Jamestown, it is deemed the entire thing to be unlivable and rather than resupply Jamestown, they packed up all the survivors and set sail for England because fuck Jamestown, that's why.

But the cemetery is already built in everything. And the graves are all nice and clean inside now. Oh no. And you might at this point be forgiven for thinking, but Tom, you said this was the first permanent English settlement. And now everyone has either died or left. So what gives? Well, here's what.

On their way down the James River before heading out into the Atlantic and toward England, they were met by an unexpected, fourth resupply fleet. And they turned right the fuck around back to Jamestown. And I have to admit, when I first read this, I thought, that is a kick in the dick. But the settlers are furthest as the day of Providence, and some further reading shed some light on that. The settlers were in absolutely terrible, appalling condition, and almost certainly none of them would have survived the journey back to England So turning around with a fleet of meals on wheels was much better

Neals on keels So good, so the wake of wish foundation. Go ahead So good. So awake a wish foundation. Go ahead. I don't want to follow that. I don't want to. I can't follow that. You can't. Okay, guys, starve to death on the ship or starve to death slower on land. I wouldn't say a show of hands, but we are way too malnourished to lift our arms right now. Dave, don't lift the arm. You're eating man. Stop eating yourself. So at this point, the story gets better and as a result, much less interesting. So I wanted to grasp for a moment and again, refer back to the ship's original manifest. The entire original settlement was just a huge sausage part.

And that was before all the Polish and Germans of men living in harsh conditions, starving, and without female companionship is, that's not good for morale. And the lack of women was a significant factor in settlers defecting and joining local Native American populations. England, recognizing that their failed venture was going to fail even harder than the lonely men who left it had to solve this problem or risk losing the entire colony. And that's when the HMS hand job arrived in the ship with fleshlikes. The old Tommy flesh lantern was kind of tricky though to handle. The old Tommy flesh lantern was kind of tricky though to handle. Just caracene flying everywhere.

It's worth it. That was worth it. It's all great from the flesh torch, though. That's for sure. But getting women over to Jamestown, that was not going to be easy. The fate of the Jamestown settlers was not secret and few women were initially keen on swiping right on famine and disease. So a plan was forged to begin advertising for women to agree to marry unknown men across

the pond. The women who responded to the ad would become, as the Atlantic noted, quote, America's first mail order brought. Okay. How dare you speak about the first lady like that time. How dare you. speak about the first lady like that time. I'm very, very nervous. Now, for all of the horrors and ineptitudes of James town, in many ways, it still be the England.

At least if you were a bride to be, England was a very expensive place to live, work, and raise a family. And for many women, it took years of work and domestic service before they were able to amass enough wealth to get married. So the Virginia colony began advertising for wives for Jamestown settlers promising a dowry of clothing, linens, furnishing, free transport across the sea, and even a plot of land. Yeah, never mind what the astroscafter land means land. That's a power land.

And remember, England had sent 48 utterly useless gentlemen to Jamestown, which meant that while they couldn't swing an ax or plant seed, these guys had money. And one other change made this all the more of a deal. No, it's a good air cuts from that barber. Right, it's a barber. Well, we don't know how dead that guy is,

but yeah, it's a... Yeah. Oh, it's a nine-year-old. In England at. Well, we don't know how dead that guy is, but yes. Yeah. That's a nod. In England at the time, if the husband died, his wife inherited only one third of his wealth and married women at the time also could not on their own hold property or dispose of property. In Jamestown out of necessity, they did away with that nonsense. Finally, remember that a lot of these guys, they just died fairly quickly. So with the changes to inheritance and property law, women could enter into what were frequently

relatively short-term marriages and quickly inherit all the wealth and property of the dead gentleman whose misadventures in America ended predictably and abruptly. See, turns out Anna Nicole Smith was just a pilgrim For our young listeners Anna Nicole Smith was a not very funny comedy joke when I was not yeah Married an old you want some ballast buddy married old man He died so did did she. It turns out by 1613, the drought had ended, but the Virginia company was still none too happy that they were losing money on this whole deal. So without waiting for government consent, they just started assigning more land to everyone that was

in Jamestown in the hopes that more land would yield more crops and thus more revenue. And while that math isn't exactly wrong, it doesn't take into account the fact that this land was enused by the people that lived there and had for quite a long time. So relationships again soured between settlers and local native tribes. After several years of increasingly tense relationships with the settlers, the chief of the Pahat and tribes decided to try to eliminate the colony once and for all. Well, yeah, he decided that right about the time it was clear that they weren't going to do it themselves.

So close. On March 22nd, 1622, they attacked the colony and its plantations up and down the James River in what became known as the Indian massacre of 1622, they attacked the colony and its plantations up and down the James River in what became known as the Indian massacre of 1622. More than a third of the colonies, English-speaking population was killed in the final death tolls, 347. Between all the resupplies of new settlers between 1607 and 1624, 6,000 people came to Jamestown to make their fortune fortune and only 3,400 of them would survive. Wow. The Palhotin would eventually change their name to Washington football team.

Jamestown itself was burned to the ground in 1676 during Bacon's Rebellion. Reese fires our bitch though. We're tough to put out. Bacon's rebellion was a rebellion of enslaved people, a tragedy not befitting its delicious namesake. After James Tom was burnt, it was rebuilt, but then in 1698 it burned again, this time by accident. And rather than rebuild it, they simply moved the capital to colony away from the brackish mosquito-filled swamp and over to Williamsburg. Guys, look, if this burns down and sinks into the swamp together, they're going to say

we copied off a money python. So James down itself never recovered by 1750 was abandoned entirely, which is, it seems to me what the settlers were working to accomplish since they first arrived 104. And Tom, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? See, Americans origin story remains a parable for its future. And are you ready for the quiz? Let's do it. All right, so the history of the state of Virginia doesn't actually get any better from there.

In fact, the state wouldn't get its first good news until the day of this record when it's governor first signaled publicly that he was going to push for the legalization of recreational use of marijuana. If he makes that happen, what should Virginia's new state slogan be a Roll Dominion Virginia is for loafers Or see get ready for the deep cut sometimes it's just for that one buckaroo April Poff Poff pass That one Buccaru, April Poff Poff pass. Bam! That's it. A Poff, woo.

Nice work. All right, well, I think you're trying to trick me with the April Poff reference. Hey, hey, but Virginia is for low versus just two good. That is correct. That is actually the right one. Well done. All right, Tom. What's the best boat name for a ship full of mail order?

Brides a site on scene. So see is spelled differently. It's a visual joke in an audio medium rock. I love it. I'm seeing it. Be first mate. See the silent partner or D. Show me the matrimony.

First mate is absolutely perfect. That's so good. That is the correct answer. All right. All right, Tom, one more for you. All right. What's the best dating site for cannibals? Oh, gosh.

Is it a skinder? B, organ grinder. Or a sea grinder. Comment ping pong. Oh, it's just so good. Oh, it's just so good. I organ grinder. I think it's got to be organ grinder.

I want it to be organ grinder, but we have the thing. It's actually it's kind of. Oh, I thought because of the thing I knew I'd get it wrong, because it said I can. All right. Heath, you stumped Tom, which means you are this week's winner. All right. Let's get some informational reality content from Noah.

Oh, good. I mean, you know, different strokes for different folks, I guess, all right. Well, Tom, Heath, Noah, and Cecil, I'm Eli Bosnick. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week. And by then, Noah will be an expert on something else. Do we know, and then?

None of us will have Thanksgiving. We're just going, I don't know, sitting our fucking houses, maybe do some sad zoom shit with our family, which is only gonna make us feel worse. There's so much better than the normal. What are we gonna do to cheer us up? Listen to a podcast, do you fucking stock yourselves at Walmart or where the fuck your job is for comfort? Nothing! I have nothing except the eternal grind of our weekly schedule. I make shoes for others while my feet become raw and bloodier by the second. If you'd like to help keep your show going, make a five-set donation at Patreon.com for a citation pod. Or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com.

And show up to our live stream to save the Senate on Friday. Yeah, Friday, 3PM. Find it on all our social media. Yeah. But goods to fellow Cecil, am I not your merriest man? I tell the nay, though, are not my merriest man. Classic. Still wish we had some food though.

Yeah. You gonna finish your hand? Hahaha!