Citation Needed - The Lewis and Clark Expedition

Episode Date: September 14, 2022

The Lewis and Clark Expedition, also known as the Corps of Discovery Expedition, was the United States expedition to cross the newly acquired western portion of the country after the Louisiana Purchase. The Corps of Discovery was a select group of U.S. Army and civilian volunteers under the command of Captain Meriwether Lewis and his close friend Second Lieutenant William Clark. Clark and 30 members set out from Camp Dubois, Illinois, on May 14, 1804, met Lewis and ten other members of the group in St. Charles, Missouri, then went up the Missouri River. The expedition crossed the Continental Divide of the Americas near the Lemhi Pass, eventually coming to the Columbia River, and the Pacific Ocean in 1805. The return voyage began on March 23, 1806, at Fort Clatsop, Oregon, and ended on September 23 of the same year. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Hey, hey, see, so wake up. Damn it, Eli, where are we? Like you don't know, Mr. Hinti Hint. No. No, I don't know where, where are we? Okay, play dumb. Well, since someone hinted at a buddy road trip with her essay about the Lewis and Clark expedition this week, I got the message loud and clear. So I drugged your lemonade just like you wanted me to and now we're headed down the Missouri on a canoe. Okay. First of all, that's like literally the opposite of what I wanted.

And two, number two here, I am not doing the essay this week. Noah is doing the essay this week. Oh, no, I know that. I brought Noah too. You just can't see him because he's behind you and you're all tied up. Hi. Noah, you agreed to this?

Well, he said I could be sack at your wheel. And can I say you look stunning? Stop it. Stop it. I don't want to go on a cross country road trip. I have like a job, a wife. I do not want to do any of this. You don't? No! Oh.

Well, can you at least let Tom do his bear attack before we turn around? He's been practicing for weeks. To be attacked by the bear? No, he is the bear. Oh. Oh, that tracks. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, podcast where you choose a subject for you to sing a lardicle about a wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet. That's how it works now. I'm Cecil and I'll be driving on this road trip, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention

the other passengers. First up, a guy that wants to stop for food and potty breaks every rest stop Eli. Hey, ain't no checks mixed like gaste checks. I'm a proless collector. And the guys in the back seat that won't stop fighting and telling me that the other guy keeps encroaching on their side, Tom and Noah. Okay, look, I told you I said it before we left, I need at least two thirds of the back seat for myself

and my travel jerk. Yeah. No, and as his back seat companion, I can assure you he is not talking about dried meat. And I never said I was. Non patrons, I will turn this car around right now. Don't make me do it. And if you want to learn how to be the favorite kid and keep our tanks full, be sure to stick around until the end of the show.

And with that out of the way, tell us Eli what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event we'll be talking about today. We'll be talking about the Lewis and Clark expedition because this is the part of the show where I just do the thing we all agree. That's really right. I'm right. You're right. We wrote it down. We've been doing it for 282. Three hundred and so it's just this might turn out just to say exactly. Thank you very much for complying. We appreciate it. And no, you are about to well actually a few American

heroes. Are you ready to take them down a peg? And may I say it's about time. So why did you pick this topic? So yeah, so as Americans, the Lewis and Clark expedition is drilled into our heads as the absolute height of adventure. And its leaders are sold to us as real life superheroes. We've honored them on coins, currency, postage tips. We've named cities, schools, parks and flora after the most popular modern book on the subject is called undaunted courage per box sake. And this is hard to get your head run as a modern American because you know it's Idaho right it's I am what's the fucking decode is like I'm sure it was very imposing back in the day, but it's still hard to get your pulse

up over the untimmed Malarial wilderness of Yankton, South Dakota. We've all made cross country trips farther than Lewis and Clarks at this point. And the greatest hardship we faced is how fucking bored we were, right? Yeah, Secretary, we are with us at the airport. Okay, quick reminder, guys, this is a take off your shoe airport, even if your TSA pre-checked. I know. Anyway, so I guess I thought initially that digging into this subject would give us an

opportunity to connect with the nation's early history and see what an adventure this country could once really be. But the more I read about it, the more I realized that nothing really happened. But I'm sure it was more harrowing than anything I've ever been through, but like most of the dangers they faced were of the not pooping right variety. And even when they did find themselves in traditional adventure type danger, it was mostly because of incredibly dumb shit they were doing like shooting at grizzly bears with old-timey muskets to take a minute and a half to reload. This is how the Constitution was meant to be played out a well-regulated militia versus bear arms. That's how it was supposed to work.

Okay. If I can just say no, if not pooping right, isn't worthy of inclusion in a story, then you've just reduced my autobiography to four and a half pages. I hope you're happy. Okay, Eli, easy money, you write repages, spill your mango nectar on it, and your mom finishes the assignment.

Oh, not for nothing. I would read the shit out of Eli's autobiography as written by his mom. That's right. Me too. I'll give you a wrong read. I'll read it. Well, that's it. Yeah, that too.

Lee Bennett Hopkins Award winner. Well, that's, yeah, that's it. Lee Bennett Hopkins Award winner. Anyway, that's right. So now I should clarify here because like just because the trip was boring, doesn't mean the story's boring. Okay, the story's fascinating, but more for its ignorance and hubris than for its fucking undaunted courage. From its very inception, the entire effort was permeated with stupidity. And if Lewis and Clark does our credit for anything, it's not letting that stupidity get them or

their party killed. Okay, real quick. I think it's weird that you're doing an expedition where it's not a tragedy. Like didn't we establish early on? Yeah. Right. It feels weird. It feels like you're taking the show in a new direction. Yes, this is a new direction for us. Okay, so with your justification out of the way, tell us, what was the Lewis and Clark expedition? The Lewis and Clark expedition was an 8,000 mile journey by River and Land undertaken at the best of the US government between May of 1804 and September of 1806. It was co-led by US Army Captain Maryweather Lewis and second lieutenant William Clark, who took about 30 men into the unexplored wilderness

of the newly acquired Louisiana purchase and beyond. And of course, I mean unexplored by white people. This area was already populated with plenty of people that had been exploring it from millennia. Spoiler alert, it's not gonna work out well for them. Yeah, spoilers, no. Oh, I misspoke. We were the dispoilers. Dispoilers.

I just I really hope that Lewis and Clark were not at all friendly. Like, but instead this was like an 8,000 mile camping and hiking trip between Eli and Cecil just bitch. That'd be such a bad story. That example. That's a six mile trip, Tom, because he's buried at mile seven. All right. Where does this story start? It starts in Thomas Jefferson's fragile, fragile little ego, Cecil. See back in the late 18th century, European naturalist by the name of Georges Louis Le Clurk, known as Count Buffon, proposed what he called the theory of American

degeneracy. So the idea was that there was something in the continents very soil that made everything that grew in America all little and shitty. He evidenced this by pointing out that animals found in both Europe and America were smaller and feeble in the new world. There were fewer overall species that they knew about at the time. And European livestock didn't, didn't fare as well there as it did in Europe, because it's not Europe.

And so as silly as all this shit sounds, it was accepted as fact throughout Europe. And that infuriated Thomas Jefferson. He was damned of some Frenchie fuck was going to talk shit about the size of his continental fauna. So he set out to do something about it. I was going to say that I missed the days when you could just be a rich guy saying shit and millions of people accepted it as scientific fact. But then I remembered Elon Musk's Twitter is the thing. So there you go. Nothing changes. So okay, so the thing that Jefferson decided to do

to disprove Buffin was to send someone out into the American wilderness to find and let me say in advance that no, I am not making this part up. A living woolly mammoth. He was convinced that since so many mammoth fossils have been recovered in the Americas, a surviving population of them was probably still extant somewhere on the continent. And what would disprove the urefana is smaller than mine argument better than a wulee fucking mammoth, right? So he said about trying to fund an expedition across the northwestern reaches of the continent.

Now, of course, the wulee mammoth thing isn't the only reason Jefferson wanted to send an expedition across the continent. There were also a couple other things he was looking for, though all of them would turn out to be as impossible to find as a pet mammoth. The realistic term was to find an all water route between the two oceans. Now, that doesn't exist in the US. It turns out the Rocky Mountains are really hard to river through, but at least that could exist, right?

The possible but silly goal was a rumored mountain of salt that fur traders told stories about. And the impossible and silly go was, again, not making this up, a lost tribe of Welsh Jews living among the Native Americans. Like seriously, it turns out Joseph Smith stole his idea from a pretty common fever dream of the day. A lot of people thought that there was a lost tribe of Israelites hiding somewhere in Wyoming, just waiting to be found.

Oh, man, where's that Wakanda, huh? Polking device heals back somehow the outside is air condition. No, the story is always sold as Lewis and Clark heading out to explore the brand new Louisiana purchase, but that ignores two important facts. One is that they went all the way to the Pacific Ocean and the Louisiana purchase only goes to about Montana, but the second and more important is this was already in the works way before Napoleon sold off his American holdings. And there was no sign he was going to do that.

Right. In fact, Jefferson had a guy all set to go out and do this should a year before. But that guy turned out to be a French spy so they had to yank the funding at the last second. Yeah, they caught him when he swore to uphold the red white and blue. Yeah, go ahead and get some of your fucking stuff. So here's Jefferson just dying to give a wooly mammoth some fucking belly rubs already and his would be expedition falls apart, but that's okay. He knows exactly who to turn to. His

live in man servant slash secretary slash constant dinner companion slash definitely not gay lover. Why do you ask Mary, whether loose? Martha, I need you to make another sailor outfit for the wooly mammoth. One that shows his little toesies. This is a little tosy, they're open. I don't know, man, not a lot of love lost with a lover. If you're looking at them one night over dinner and thinking, you know what? You'd be a lot better looking from the other side of an uncharted wilderness. Yes, fair. So, no, I'm sorry, I don't want to make this an all context episode.

I know Tom's a little bit, just couldn't handle it, but we have to tackle the question of whether Mary, whether Lewis was gay. Okay, look, if you Google it, you'll find a fuck ton of historians saying, no, there whether Mary, whether Lewis was gay. Okay, look at if you Google it, you'll find a fuck ton of historians saying, no, there's no evidence that he was gay, but this story makes a lot more fucking sense if the man's gay. Okay, there's no evidence in the sense

that there's no letter where he says, like, hey Clark, you wanna join me for some same sex intimacy, but he never had a serious relationship with a woman at any point in his life. The letters between him and Clark are as intimate as you could probably get without proposing mouth stuff. His journal entries are filled with stories of him turning down women that are offered to him by native chiefs. Those same journals have lurid descriptions of Clark's

manly features. He was Thomas Jefferson's live in companion at the White House when nobody else was living there long after Jefferson was widowed and his kids had grown up. And I know this part is unrelated, but I feel like I'd be failing as a citation needed host if I didn't at least mention it. He had a dog named Seaman. Yeah. No insult to the historians in our audience, but you'll never met a gay relationship. You couldn't ignore the night.

The 1976 People magazine article on Paul Lind described his long-term partner as his hairstylest sweet mate and chauffeur bodyguard people. Paul Lind. That's why he's so buff. I'm sure. Yeah. So I should also point out that Lewis was not exactly the most qualified person in the country to lead this expedition. Okay. So he didn't have the biological credentials to meaningfully study new species that he was gonna encounter. He didn't have the astronomical knowledge. He'd need to accurately map the area.

He didn't have the geological knowledge. He'd need to survey the new regions. He had very little experience leading a group of men and he was super fucking young. Okay, look, he turned 30 after this trip began. Plus, like at that time in history, Explorer was a job. That's amazing. That people had. That was just a thing that people did and he wasn't one of those. Now, they're going to look back at our time and be like, you know, back then, influencer was a job. Right? No, Cecil. They're not going to do that. Hard agree. I think I kill you for water.

See, so I think it's pronounced influence is a job. Yeah, you got to hear the air. You got to hear. I still feel like we can go down to the history, guys. I think we can. Okay. So the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, he had young Lewis requisitioned as his personal secretary, which is weird because Jefferson wrote down all of his own correspondence and that's mostly what secretaries did back then. Like the job of US president was a lot different than it is now. So it's not like he needed a chief of staff managing his busy schedule. As near as anybody can tell, Lewis's job was essentially to keep Jefferson company and hang out with him at dinner parties. So no shit, when the first leader fell through, TJ's response was to be like, oh, you know what?

I know a guy who loves to camp. It actually feels worse than that because even though it turned out not to be true, he thought he was sending this guy in a Jurassic Park ride, man. Yeah, right. What the fuck? You know, the only reason Lewis even agreed to the whole expedition is the escort service Jefferson hired him from had a no refusals policy. Yeah.

The US Army was the case of that service for no refusals policy. How are you right? Especially in 1804. So now to Lewis's credit, nobody was more aware of his limitations than he was. Right. So he accepted the post enthusiastically, was really excited to do it. But then he spent like a year trying to fill in the knowledge gaps that I just mentioned. And given the time constraints, he did a really good fucking job.

I mean, granted you could learn everything humans knew about geology at the time in a long weekend. But still, he impressed all of his teachers while basically earning degrees in three majors at the same time. He was gonna even be the expedition's doctor and he did a pretty good fucking jump. It's worth mentioning though, that among the things that he learned was not

the art of spelling. Okay, he kept journals the whole time and even by the standards of the day, the dude spelling was insanity. But like, like, he wouldn't, like, he wouldn't even misspelled consistently. He spelled the word weasel at least seven different ways in his journey. Yeah, but at least he could spell the word consistently. Oh, okay. If you tell me he brought a pallet of mango nectar on this trip, I'm reporting this episode to iTunes for bullying. No, you hear me for bullying. So okay. So now this is where Clark enters the picture. Lewis met Clark in the service

and the two hit it off in an entirely heterosexual manner efficiently. So as soon as Jefferson brought the idea to him, he was like, okay, can my friend Willie come? And Jefferson's like, yes, your friend Willie can come. And then he's like, okay, and he can be the co-captain and get promoted to the same rank as me and will be equal partners, huh? And Jefferson said, no. So he's like, okay, can I at least pretend that that's true the whole time? And Jefferson's like, dude, you can, you can pretend whatever the fuck you want. I don't care. He raised a clerk and he says, Hey, dude, if you travel the unexplored wilderness of the fucking corn country with me, I can get you promoted to the rank that I'm at and

you can get a big fat raise. So Clark agreed. Turned out Lewis was wrong, by the way. He was never able to get Clark the promotion or the race really. But to his credit, his insistence that Clark was his co-captain and that the two shared leadership equally is the reason that we call it the Lewis and Clark expedition instead of the Maryweather Lewis expedition. So it's, you know, it's not like you didn't get anything for us. For us for us for work, more responsibility, more important title, same fucking pay. I'm going to see this on the, on the anti work Reddit next week. Like what the fuck? Yeah. Well, if Clark didn't like it, Lewis would have told him he was

quite quitting on TikTok. So, you know, yeah. Okay. Also, how the fuck do you manage to not get a raise after coming home alive after an 8,000 mile wilderness hike? I think it was its performance review even look like a solid effort. He player excellent. That's not really in the budget right now. Sounds. Yeah. Right, he did get money, but yeah, never quite got the raise. He was promised. So, okay, so they've got the raise he was promised. So okay, so they've got their leadership. They've got their book learned.

The next step is to get their supplies together, because yeah, so long the way they would be living off the land to some degree, like they would have to make their own clothes from the skin of buffalo from time to time. But like they were hunting those buffalo with bullets and they weren't harvesting those along way, right? As much as this popular image here is one of guys roughing it, I think it bears mentioned that among the supplies they brought along was like formal wear, right? And I can't overstate this one enough. Another of the things listed as inventory for their trip was a human fucking being. What? Because not only was William Clark a slave owner, but his slave, York accompanied him on this trip.

He's watching Clark negotiate his pay. I don't know, sir, that seems like a lobo. Hey, you know what? Maybe this project isn't for us, you, you, it isn't for you. That's it. Okay, these guys brought formal wear on their camping trip. Yeah.

This is fast forward a couple of hundred years and America basically has not changed out of its collective sweats over the last three years because we will not brush the cat hair off another pair of pants. All right. In some ways, I guess, America has changed. And finally, Lewis had to put together his team. Now, keep in mind at this point in history, the best road in all of America was a gravel road that ran between New York and Philadelphia. Lewis marveled at one point in his notebook about how their coach was able to do a full five

miles an hour on it. Yeah. Now Lewis was studying in Philly as the date to leave approach. So he made his slow ass way to St. Louis, where, where he was slated apart from him. And he basically just picked up all the best guys that he founded the army bases. He stayed out along the way. And on May 14th, after a couple of weeks that I absolutely love in the story that he was to try to get a drunk boat builder to hurry the fuck up, the newly commissioned core of discovery set forth into the vast and foreboding, hinter lands of like Des Moines or whatever. I feel the road trip nostalgia creeping in. So we should take a break before Eli breaks into a rendition of country roads by the I've

seen fire, I've seen rain guy. So here's the break, here's the break here's the break everybody All right ready to go sorry about that seriously, this is like your bathroom break. We haven't even left St. Louis yet. I told you, Clark, I had a lot of fiber for breakfast. We went cookies for breakfast. Fine, fine, just let me put this quick letter to Tibbles and then we can head out. Who's Tibbles?

He's the president, Clark, maybe read a book. Dude, gross. Home of home. No, I don't mean because you're gay. I mean, because you call the president tibbles, man. Believe me, I have called him a lot grosser stuff than tibbles. I'm begging you not to tell me this. Fine, fine. Did you, oh, did you get the supplies?

Most of them, yes, most of them. Really? What couldn't you find? Oh, I don't know. Let me look at this list. Let's see. Vegan chicken nuggets. None of those exist yet. None of those words even exist yet. Oh, man. Sports night on DVD. Also, that doesn't exist yet.

Oh, but that show's gonna be so good though, dude. It's gonna be so good. And mango nectar. I don't think that's a thing yet, either. Fine, fine. We'll make do without. All right, just give me one second and I'll be ready to go. One second for what?

Bathroom break. Seriously? That was a long conversation. Go to a doctor! They don't exist yet. That's fair. We left off people were looking for the Panama Canal 35 degrees north and 110 years early. Yes. Are we done with mammoth writing Jews?

No, not yet. Not quite. So, all right. So, okay, look, I talked a lot about the wooly mammoth shit and the surprise juice, because that really happened. And it's too crazy not to emphasize. But for like the Ferelsie's main goals of the expedition were to find the most direct water route across the continent to establish sovereignty over the unexplored Pacific

Northwest before other Europeans could lay claim on it and to open friendly dialogues with the Native American tribes along the way. In this regard, they failed miserably on all three counts. So to be clear, not dying was the only wind condition that we were imposing on these guys. And one of the guys died, right? So we're like, we're even being super lenient even by that metric. They were going to claim sovereignty over thousands of miles of mostly undeveloped wilderness by walking through it.

Yep. Were they leaving a trail of soldier crumbs along the way? Explorer crumbs, yeah. So in terms of finding a water route across the continent, everybody agreed that the best thing they could do was to follow the Missouri River to its source and hope that that also connected to one of the rivers that they'd found poking out on the Pacific side. So they needed to take a boat laden with years worth of bullets and formal wear upstream for thousands of miles.

Plus, whenever they came across a major tributary, they'd have to have like these weird existential debates on which incoming river was the real Missouri before they could decide which route to follow. Well, that's easy. You just float a picture of Patty LePone and see which one it goes down. Okay, why would that work? Because Missouri loves company. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, dude. Can we, can we just look at the spelling of Missouri here? Can we all see that? I go through and I correct a lot of his spelling mistakes. Yeah, but this is too good. See so, see so much. Seathing with admiration, right? I love it.

I am. Brilliant. Brilliant joke. Brilliant joke. So good. So, okay. So all that being said, their inability to find a water route wasn't the biggest failure of the expedition, because it's not like there was less of a water route after they got done. Not so

much when it came to their charge to improve relations with the native tribes. No one else did they go as spectacularly and predictably wrong as there, because here's the thing. The Native Americans were poor. Their ranks had been decimated by new diseases that the Europeans brought. They didn't have anywhere near the kind of fancy technology that the expedition was sporting. And as often as not, they're wondering if they're like, how are they going to survive this winter, right? So along comes this expedition of three dozen white guys with a literal boat, build with

food and fish hooks and guns and ammunition and other various survival supplies that they refuse to share or trade at all and then ask if they can be your friends now. To be fair, America would continue this as foreign policy forever though. So it's a nice idea. Well, that's right. Right. Yeah, I mean, you know what they say, sharing is caring. And we don't. Yep.

Now, no, I should say they did bring along gifts for the native chiefs that they met along the way. But they sucked worse than Charlie Brown's trick or treat hall. Like for reals, you they were giving them little silver medals with Thomas Jefferson space on it. Oh my God. Many American flags. And that was pretty much it. Oh my God. Right, and the natives are like, dude, even your fucking dog has a gun. Man, if you guys came up a couple of those,

so that, you know, my kids don't starve again this year. They have to start off with new kids again. And Lewis and Clark are like, mmm, this se Simon needs to hunt. I'm sorry. Oh, sorry, I don't carry cash, but I do have this card for the homeless shelter down the road where you have to take a Bible and holy communion

before you get a sandwich, but it's great. It's great. Now, we're still. Lewis had this little speech that he gave to all the tribal chiefs they came across. And while there's no direct transcript of his speech, we can glean enough of it from him and Clark's journals to get the gist. It's just this condescending bullshit about how Thomas Jefferson is now their great father

and they have to be nice to everybody. And the white man will bring many gifts. Uh, but, but not today. Today is just the condescension just to be right. Yeah, that was not your first. Many gifts, but not today. Today it is just the condescension just to be. But the way that we'll bring many gifts as he urges you, ever westward, you're welcome. And just in case they hadn't damaged relations enough, most of the tribes they met with didn't have like a single leader, right? They would have a group of chiefs that made decisions together. But Lewis would arbitrarily declare that one of them was first chief at

the end of each of his little visits and then tell that guy you're in charge of everybody else. With no consultation, he would just declare that out of the blue, no justification, whatsoever, except they apparently couldn't conceive of a system where one person wasn't in charge despite leading an expedition with co-commanders. Okay, listen, there needs to be a straight acting top, a flouncy bottom, a badly behaved dog. I'm not explaining this to you guys. Okay? Now, you might be wondering at this point, how was Lewis delivering these big speeches?

Right? Well, in some cases, when they were closer to the Appalachians, they would have a translator who could speak both English and the native languages, but as they got further inland, they kept having to add to their translator chain. So no shit, there were instances where communication was done by like translating English to French

to Lakota to Pony tooshone and then back, right? And when that shit failed, they'd use the, what the journals referred to as universal sign language. So imagine trying to communicate Thomas Jefferson as your sovereign ruler, and would like to establish trade relations with your people in gestures. Translation from the seventh translated language

is just a story about how they're searching for a world leader that's a giant prehistoric duck in a sailor outfit. It'll make more sense if I read it off these gold tablets. Exactly. It seems silly. Now, speaking of translators, it's high time that we bring up possibly the most disturbing part of this entire story, which is of translators, it's high time that we bring up possibly the most disturbing part of this entire story, which is saying a lot since it's the opening act for brutal colonization and includes Clark's personal fucking slave. But we haven't gotten to it yet. See, the expeditions spent their first winner and a fort near present day, Washburn, North

Dakota, and while they were there, they met a French Canadian fur trapper named Tucson Sharba No. And he offered to serve as a translator for the Corps. in North Dakota and while they were there, they met a French Canadian fur trapper named Tucson-Sharp-A-No. And he offered to serve as a translator for the Corps. He also brought along a woman who not only knew the terrain, but also spoke several of the languages that were going to be important to him along the way. That woman, of course, was Sakajewiya. You might remember her from her incredibly expensive coins that nobody used. There you go.

This is the part where you have to point out that it was just a dollar coin, Eli. They cost a dollar. It was gold color. That was not real gold dollar coin. Wait, you guys being serious right now? No, it's incredibly expensive dollar. How much do you pay for? You know what?

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. It's just your fun comedy podcast. Okay. Eli, is that what you think you got for you know what we're talking about it? I don't know. It's just to a fun comedy podcast. Okay. Well, Eli, is that what you think you got when you bought Bitcoin? Just, it's a bit of coin. I don't want to. I'm going to cry on air again and I already cried.

I don't want to. Okay. So now here's the fucked up. So you'll often see Sacaja. We are referred to as sharpened as young wife, but young is an understatement and wife is an overstatement. She was a 16 year old sex slave that Sharbinow won in a fucking card game, along with her sister. Okay, that many wives that had to be a full house. Okay. Okay. Jesus Christ. So, was that bad? Should we flush that out? Jesus Christ.

Right. So as you flush that out, Jesus Christ. Have you no heart? So yeah, so here's how fucked up Sacajaway's story is. At one point, they actually run into her tribe and she reconnects with her brother for the first time in years. But then they drag her along with them for the rest of the expedition, because she was still, you know, sharp and those property after all. So yeah, put your might or my conservatives don't want you to know the history of the things they're trying to conserve. It's great. A country that unironically calls itself the land of the free, put a 16 year old sex slave forced into dangerous military service, well pregnant on its god damn money,

and then pat it itself on the back for being progressive enough to put a lady there. I know all you in Florida just heard a government mandated 90 second beep here. So I'm going to TLDR it for you. All the explorers co-authored a book on how there's only two genders. So the French guys just like, no, honey, I love hanging out with your brother's family. How you guys always talk about people I don't know. And then you play card games. It only your family knows the rules too, but we got to explore America. You know, so got to get going. In addition to failing to find a water route across the continent and failing to improve

relationships with the natives, Lewis and Clark also failed to find a living, wooly continent and failing to improve relationships with the natives. Lewis and Clark also failed to find a living woolly mammoth or a dead one. That being said, they did find a metric, fuck ton of species previously unknown to science, at least 178 plants and 122 animals according to the U.S. National Park Service. I doubt that that's the exact correct number though. And even though it wasn't an all water route, they did map out what would have been at the time, the easiest route across the continent

if you had to carry heavy cargo. Yeah, you guys can skip this valley here. That's where my wife's family lives. That's super boring and they always have these hot games and only know they know the rules too. Now, as to the danger of the trip, I feel that was greatly exaggerated over time to sell books and cultivate celebrity. Right? Like, yes, they faced some hardships, but

you have to compare what they went through with, you know, like what anybody who was in an army of a broke-ass country in 1805 went through. Right? Like, I feel like the average American soldier didn't have it any better than the 30s some odd guys that were on this expedition. Rations occasionally got lean over the winners, but most of the time, given the bountiful game bag then, these dudes were eating like medieval kings. Plus, a lot of Native American tribes apparently believed

that a person's power could be transferred through sex. So guys would like literally ask members of the expedition to fuck their wives as like a favor to them. So everybody was eating well, they were all getting laid, except both Lewis and Clark, who except according to the records and the recollections of the other members always declined those offers. Ooh, I feel like that might have been awkward. offers. Ooh, I feel like that might have been awkward. Hey, Steve, you could be a head white guy to fuck your wife. No, what?

She's beautiful. I know, but like with the translators, translators, translators, translator finally got the message across you just blabbed his hands and went, ew, ruff. I think he's maybe. Oh, definitely. Yeah. That's what I said, but then Gary was like, Oh, you just think everyone is. Wait, oh, hey, have you considered offering him Gary? Oh, please, for a weekend of quiet, I'd pay him.

Also, did you see they brought a kid with him? So tacky. I think one of them was married to her. Oh, gross. White people, man. Fucking savages. Now, through most of the history of this country, the big danger that the Blue and Clark Expedition

face was always presented as those Native American savages that might cut their throat at any minute. And when you read their journals, the blue is in Clark expedition face was always presented as those Native American savages that might cut their throat at any minute. And when you read their journals, like they were very clearly worried about that happening constantly, but it never like was justified by any actions that they had a couple of tent standoffs here and there, but nobody ever attacked them. I'm sorry, Lewis did get shot in the ass at one point and they eventually blamed some unseen native foe, but he was almost definitely actually shot by the duty he was

out hunting with. The Cheney family has been in America for a long time. Yeah. Right. So, but when faced with the choice of admitting that he accidentally just shot his commanding officer in the ass or blaming a mysterious savage, Great grandfather, Cheney opted for the latter. Sir, I can't be sure, but I think it was a mammoth with a long bun. Shoot from that mountain assault over there.

Yeah. But to give you an idea of the relative hardship they faced, when they finally reached the Pacific Ocean, they had the option of boarding a ship and just riding all the way back home. Oh, granted, this is pre-pandemic canal. So that means rounding all of South America. But still, if the cross-country trek was all that bad, they probably would have taken that option. Instead, they turned right back around and retraced their steps. In fact, a couple of people actually had to go back via ship so that some of the records

and samples would survive even if the party didn't. But by all accounts, the guys who had to do that were bummed about it. I get it. It's like when there's too many people, so everyone else piles into an Uber Excel and they make you take a lift. Yeah. So when they finally lift the car stick forever, drivers are mean to the same people. So it's really been in back in September of 1806. They were greeted as heroes. The American public devoured any printed material they could find about the expedition

and the press obliged by printing everything they could find and then some. In fact, most of what was printed was just made up bullshit. But it swelled the celebrity of Lewis Clark and the Corps of Discovery. I mean, they'd gone two and a half years without a resupply all the way across the country and back and all told the expedition only lost one man. And even that guy, he was a sergeant who died from a burst appendix a couple months into the hotel. And yes, in case you were concerned, semen the dog made it there and back again. That's a good boy. Semen's a good boy. And if you had a summer, I think we learned in one sentence, what would it be? American currency is by and large a parade of relentless horrors.

It absolutely is. And are you ready for the quiz? Yeah, I should say Benjamin Franklin was all right, but yeah, yeah, yeah. All right Noah, obvious question. What did they need the formal wear for? Hey, their buddies wedding to a literal child. Jesus Christ.

Fuck. B. Oh man, costume party. No, so, well, first of all, it was for like a send-off party in St. Louis, but also they needed it when they got together with the Native American chiefs so that they would look official. That the chiefs, by the way, would show up very often naked to show up like how in poverty they were and how much they needed gifts. So they're sitting there and they're like, nice suits and ties.

It's talking to naked dudes. Anyway, yeah. Secret answer. See that. It's hot. Yep. That's correct. All right.

Noah, what is a true fact about how we know the route taken by Lewis and Clark. Hey, science in quotes at the time believe that Mercury was a cure for what aelsia, so we can actually find their campsites by the Mercury-laden deposits leftover from their violent shits. Be, Eli's family has been in America a long time. That's right. I'm so glad you brought that up. I didn't have room for it. See both of the above. It's true. Both of them. All right. No, according

to this Florida history textbook, everything worked out super great for the Native Americans. He says here they even went on to win our hearts in a wonderful TV show. What was that TV show called a Pawnee stars Top gear a coy C B Wichita or D Cherokee and peel Cherokee and peel I it's and peel. Cherokee and peel. It's it's got to be D Cherokee and peel. It is you won this week. Noah, you got all of them right. Oh awesome. So I get to pick the essay is for next week. I'm gonna

you know what I've been too easy on me lately. I'm gonna go with Eli. Actually, I lied you do not get to pick who goes next week. Shit. All right. well for Tom, Noah and Eli, I'm C. Soulthanking for hanging out with us today. We'll back next week. And by then, Eli will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to all our other projects, and they are two numerous to mention in just like one half hour, so I'm just gonna let you find them on your own.

And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make up per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod, or you can leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, snack with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citation pod dot com. All right, well, I think that speech to the natives went pretty well, huh? Yeah, maybe next time you could spend less time on the slope of Thomas Jefferson's lower back.

I feel like that part's important, Clark. Okay.