Citation Needed - The Munster Rebellion

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

The Münster rebellion (German: Täuferreich von Münster, "Anabaptist dominion of Münster") was an attempt by radical Anabaptists to establish a communal sectarian government in the German city of Münster – then under the large Prince-Bishopric of Münster in the Holy Roman Empire. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Which, as you can see, makes more than 92% of my essays completely unrelated to Bill Bryson. It's been a week, man. You need to just let it go. And I need to know that you're gonna have my back if this comes up, so I don't think so. Super strength, turn into a bat, and drink what? You like, just listen to yourself.

You hear yourself? Guys, please, just in another room, maybe. Hey, guys, what's the kerfuffle? But they're arguing about your assay. No, uh, yeah. And Tom will take a side because he has COVID. It doesn't matter. Cecil, no, uh, who do you think wins in the monster rebellion? Yeah. Is it a vampire or a tall man? No, no, no. It's not just a tall man. He has super strength.

Guys, my assay isn't about who would win in a fight between the monsters. It's not? If I could actually get a blanket, I'm shut up. Wait, it's not chills. No, it's a fascinating historical episode complete with polygamous communist pre-Homest Genital Mutilation and End of the World Cults. Oh, well, I guess we'll never know then. Yeah, all right.

You're speaking of knowing, I was thinking the other day about the sources from which I draw my essay subjects. No, we're not talking about your essay pattern. What? What? No, I was. We heard you were practicing in your room last night. Yeah, for like a while. So Tom has COVID. How's that going for you Tom? Yeah, honestly, you know, the cough has me a little.

I'll just say to feel like I'm having the spreadsheet of my essays, which by the way, I have color coded. Worrier. It's a little worry. Tom, why don't vampire totally wins? Vampire Totally Winds. Hello and welcome. Sitation needed. Podcasts, we choose a subject, read a single article about them with Kapiti and pretend we're experts.

Because this is the internet. That's how it works now. I'm Cecil and I'll be under siege today. But I'll need my fellow Steven Segalian prophets. Keith Eli Noah and Tom. I'm going to get choked out and shit myself. I'm going to get choked out and shit myself. I no longer fit into a bullet. Yeah, okay, is this tracking? I get it. Okay. And I am a triple black boat in the martial art that I just

made up. So yeah, it's all trash. It's all working out. Look, I get it. The only place I'm nearly the man I think I am is in my own head. So yeah But before we head into the Jodo, patrons get access to our private walled city. And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around until the end of the show. And with that of the way, tell us Eli, what person place thing concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? We will be talking about the positively glorious monster rebellion. And now I presume this is not about the greatest variety of cheese for a grilled cheese. So what was the monster rebellion? Oh, first we let Tom and he say psychology isn't real. Now Cecil's

lying about Jesus. I was saying psychiatry. We don't take cheese information from vegans. Just so you know, that's fair. That's fair. But much less. Much less. It's like, are you kidding me? It's like salty, delicious, got chew, you pull it, you can like stretch it across the room.

This is not what the case is close. I'm sorry, the case is closed. So in the room of stretchiness, I'll give you some points. Well, Noah, so yeah, so an answer to the room stretchiness, I'll give you some points. Noah. Noah. So yeah, so in answer to that other question that you asked before the cheese discussion, the the monster rebellion is the closest the homage ever came to kicking ass. Well, proto-amish anyway, it was, it was an effort by the anabaptists in the 16th century

to create a communist theocracy in a walled city in present day Germany. And spoiler alert, the proto-Amish did not ultimately kick ass or come particularly close actually. Okay, proto-Amish German communists is a lot. Right. I feel like somebody was playing Madlibs with boomer fears and just feeling like. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and disillusioned. So in a lot of ways, the inciting incident here is Martin Luther's 95thesis in 1517. Catholic Church's millennia plus monopoly on religion in Western Europe has started to erode and the erosion is starting in the Holy Roman Empire.

Wow. And then he came here and did all that civil rights stuff. Okay. He liens a third of our company. I know that's bad. So, I'm talking here, of course, about the Protestant Reformation. And pretty much by day two of said Reformation, Protestants were already starting to schism. So by some estimations, there are as many as 33,000 denominations of Protestantism right

now, right? So that number is a little misleading, but it's still pointing to a very real problem. The whole initial concept of Protestantism is that theology shouldn't be dictated from a single authority, which makes it really hard for a single authority to dictate to it. Not even God can pull that off. Right? It's the rock family. God make a religion so fractious that, yeah.

You know, honestly, I think they really should have seen that one coming. Okay, so there you go. You're now free to worship as you please without needing a priest as the intercessor. Oh, man. Finally, that's great. Really, thank you so much. So what happens next? Mac, no, nothing.

You're just, you're free to believe as you wish. Your relationship with the divine is yours. Right. Yeah, and that's great. Thank you for that. So glad to be rid of the priest. So what do I believe now? No, no, it's anything you want. You just, you let the Bible itself.

It's your guide, your signpost, your rock. Kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh, kuh. What does the Bible say? But what does it, I mean, read it. Man, it's yours to read you to grow into You're not gonna read it are you is it long? You know, I just gonna have a seat in the pew an usher will be by with a rattlesnake in a few minutes So now among these early branches of Protestantism, you have anabaptism.

That's a denomination distinguished by the belief that infant baptism doesn't count. So, they believed others shed too, but their big thing was that you had to get re-baptized as adults. And as trivial as that distinction might seem to us, it's the kind of heresy that folks murdered their neighbors for back in the 1500s. So even in a country increasingly open to Lutheranism, anabaptism was outlawed and its practitioners were driven underground. So by the late 1520s, one of the most influential voices in anabaptism was to student a melky or Hoffman.

Do you? No. No. He started as a late preacher Christian and eventually promoted himself to profit like you do and he started telling everybody who had listened that Jesus was coming back any minute In fact, he even gave a place and date Jesus was going to come back on Easter Sunday and 1533 in Strasbourg Really that that really worked out like geographically That really worked out like geographically. So now this was very concerning to the leaders in Strasbourg, especially when he prophesied that Christ returned would be preceded by a purging of the ungodly. Where the hell that means. So the authorities had him thrown in jail.

Yeah, stupid move on their part. Jesus shows up. You through his welcoming committee in jail. You're going to be in trouble. All right. So now Hoffman had a deep commitment to nonviolence. But the guy who ended up taking the reins from him when he went to jail,

a dude by the name of Jan Matthias, not so much. So anyway, so Easter comes and goes, and as the history buffs in the audience already know, Jesus did not come back that year. Fun fact, Jesus has never come back. So, I'm not gonna go down to the spoiler for the rest of this story, but thank you, Jesus. So, now this was of course, super disappointing

to all the accolades of Hoffman that showed up in Strasbourg to catch the show. Needless to say, the people are sure that the world was about to end. They didn't show up in town with a lot of savings, right, or any intention of getting work when they got there. So the city is just teeming with unemployed, despondent, proto-amish people.

A couple of jugglers watch it happen, start a podcast, I know. I know. But at the same time that the Anabaptist and Straussberger coming to grips with this shit, a bit of a revival is taking place 300 miles or so to the north in Munster. So Munster was already one of the friendliest cities to Lutherans in all of Europe.

And thanks to this charismatic preaching of a guy named Bernard Rothman. Uh, do you? No, still no. No, nobody in this story actually, you like, but thanks to him, Anabaptism is really gaining traction. It's got to the point where, unlike pretty much any other city in the Holy Roman Empire, anabaptists can just openly practice their religion there. So self-appointed prophet, Jan Matthias, has a new vision.

It turns out that Hoffman was right about Jesus coming back, but he was off by one Easter and 300 miles. Jesus was gonna come back on Easter of 1534 in Munster. Yeah, because Jesus got his directions from a talking rabbit obsessed with albacurkey. That's what happened. Yeah. I get it now. Wait a minute. It's not Munster. It's Munsters. Munsters. I know this story. Then they had to Transylvania, then the American suburbs, the little boy turns out to be a werewolf, I thought coming together now. So needless to say, anabaptus rushed to the spot, but unlike in Strasbourg, anabaptus

actually had some real political power in Monster. Some of the wealthiest families in that town had converted to anabaptus, including a guy whose name is just too delicious not to include guy named Bernard Nipperdolling. Bernhard Nipperdolling, is that what she's up? Yes. He's an elder dragon who does porn in addition to the other guys on the story. Now, it's not a misdysfucking calling. Yeah, no shit.

Um, so, you know, so he was the town's guild leader. I don't know exactly what that means, but it made it powerful enough that at one point he sued the area's Catholic sovereign for discriminating against Protestants and didn't get hanged or anything. So, he's that kind of rich. So, with apologies for throwing so many characters at you so quickly, that Prince Bishop,

that's a dude named Prince Von Waldenk and he's about to become super important in this story because the first thing that Jan Mathias does when he shows up in Monster is to clear that God wants all the Catholics executed. Now Bernard Nipperdoll and convinces him to back off of that a bit and instead God settles for letting all of those people have a week to either get rebaptized and become anabaptists or leave the city. This is February in Germany and and he's not gonna let these people

take any of their possessions with them when they go. Now I said, we are committed to non-violence. That's why you will get a head start. It's so fucked up. Religion was just squid games. Like first. Yes. Right, very much.

And also still now, we're there allowed to do it. Yeah, really, yeah. So, okay, so the Prince it. Yeah, really. Yeah. So, okay. So, the Prince Bishop here is about this. Now, he doesn't actually live in Munster, and that matters a lot, because Munster is a walled city at this time in history. And by the time he can muster a significant force of arms and get there, they've already

declared themselves an independent and a Baptist kingdom. They've appointed Jan Matthias as their leader. They've elected Bernard Nippardolling as their mayor, because Matthias didn't want to do the actual running of the city type shit. And they declared war against the Prince Bishop. Yeah. So it's like modern day Seattle. We get it.

No, you just. It's going to get more and more like modern day Seattle as we go. So no, see, so could probably explain this in detail. But even if you have a vastly superior force, it's really fucking hard to take a walled city. Absolutely. You know, I see the to take a walled city. Absolutely. You know, a see the problem with a walled city is often they have the murder holes.

So I'm actually in the middle of that, like the whole thing. Oh, yeah. No, sorry. Go ahead. It's fine. So so instead of attacking bond walled, it lays siege to the city. Uh, and that makes sense for a lot of reasons. First of all, it's sweet.

She's for these details about our person is such an asshole. That's personal. It's super. She's for these little details about everything. That's why. Our personas is such an asshole. I don't know what. You guys have a persona? So. So. I quit the podcast. Okay.

Couple of reasons he goes for the siege. First of all, cheaper than attacking the city, right? Especially when you own that city and you have to rebuild it afterwards. Secondly, this whole rebellion is predicated on the idea that Jesus is going to show up on Easter Sunday, which is only about six weeks away when this thing starts. So, Von Waldeck is pretty sure, you know, that isn't going to happen. And then when it doesn't, the morale of the rebels is going to take quite a hit. So, as Von Waldeck is a reanest forces outside, Jan Matthias is inside the walls trying to remake the city and hit in the image of his interpretation

of Christianity, right? So one of the main things that drew people to anabaptism was this theological commitment to communal property. So the first thing that he did was outlaw private property and to make sure that nobody was cheating on that, he sent loyalists to every residence to clean it the fuck out and keep everything in a central store. Then he added laws against every conceivable kind of sin, the punishment for all of those was death and he was the judge. Then he outlawed closing your front door. What? So that the ecclesiastical authorities could poke their heads in at any time to make

sure you weren't, you know, sinning. You know, the town exhibitionist was trying to act cool. He was like, yeah, I mean, whatever. He was everyone in Christian, I take a bath at 2 p.m. And another at 3.30. I love that he lies mind-wins straight to like, okay, what would this be like for the town exhibitionist? You care about your people, I care about my people.

So meanwhile, never doling is busy with the more practical shit. First and foremost, of course, organizing the city's defenses for the inevitable attack by Von Waldeck. Matthias also makes the makes him the city's head executioner. And that turns out to be a full time job as well. He's not like, shit, guys, turns out like all the clothes are actually mixed fibers. I didn't even realize it's just so it's everything.

Can we do like a bunch of people at a time in the guillotine? I don't know. How many can we stack? Is it like a canned crusher? And that actually began the ancient prototype for the slap chow. Oh, interesting. It's a fun fact. So, okay, let's just better wait.

So, it's into this environment that the sun rises on April 4th of 1534. That is Easter Sunday. And once again, no Jesus. I think what I just even gave like a specific hour, like you're supposed to show up at noon or something. So everybody's gathered together to have a big party. Whatever that looks like in a city where every known form of fun was punishable by the death penalty.

In my experience, it's cheese steaks now. Cheese steaks. Okay, yeah, yeah, no, that makes sense. Who would help you? Yeah. And for you one, because they had to K.Y. Jelly their whole city. Exactly.

Yeah, I think you guys. Yeah, mom's climbing on everything when they went Super Bowls and stuff. Yeah, that one's for over. That one's for over. Even when they lose. Yeah, right. So no, and for a few minutes sure. That one's for sure. Yeah, right. So, no, and for a few minutes, they can make excuses like, oh, maybe that clock's fast. And then for a few more minutes, they can be like, well, maybe Jesus is running late.

It's a big, big entrance. But pretty soon, everybody's looking at Matthias. Who again, has been telling them that he can speak directly to Jesus. Like, I have conversations with Jesus where he can hear him. Nobody else can. And of course, everybody said, this point is wondering what the fuck is going on? Oh, that's the greatest. We actually got to watch this type of thing happen in New York City. Yep. In 2011, it was delightful. Yeah. Idiots, they got off together and they got so excited because there was a rain cloud right around the

time that it was supposed to go down. But then nothing because that's dumb. Not a godly apocalypse. It was great. It was like watching a thousand magicians do their big reveal and just be like, shazam! Hey! And it's trapped or it didn't work. Oh, them at the same time. Just press ball. Except all of those positions were like the trick was to kill you, right? Right.

Murdering you. Yeah. It's great. So, okay. So just when everybody's thinking, so what, we throw them over the wall or what? Mathias falls to the ground and he starts traveling and he comes up with a new revelation. See, the reason Jesus hasn't shown up yet is because the ungodly hadn't been all the way purged, but not to worry

God had granted him superpowers So he was gonna ride out with 12 men on his side and defeat the Prince Bishop's entire army Jesus, yeah, so he gathers together 12 guys. I bet they felt real lucky 13 warriors just standing on the side like fuck no, not me, bro. So they charge out of the gate on horseback. There's an entire army there to greet him. The bishop is supposed to have something like 3000 mercenaries just lined up and waiting for him. So Matthias and his guys get very, very killed. and waiting for him. So Matthias and his guys get very, very killed. Like right away. They cut off Matthias's head. They mounted on a pike in front of the city. And then that

night in an active mutilation that takes a stunning amount of commitment, they nailed his cock and balls to the city door. In February, that's like nailing up a temperamental shrinking tank. Are you kidding me? Yeah, you know, if you've got your enemies head on a pike and they're all stuck inside of a walled city though, how's that not time for a little puppet show over the top of the walls like? Oh, I can't even dead face. Or I'm going to be the whole.

I'm going to fly by myself. Oh, the rise of again, like Jesus, no, he's not. No, stop for taming man. So, okay, so at this point, you would think the story was weird back then. There's still pretty fucking weird man. So at this point, you would think the story ends, right? Like that certainly got to be what Bon Wolduck was thinking. And that's what a lot of the rebels thought too.

They didn't get their second coming. Their leader was dead. They were starting to run low on supplies after more than a month under a siege, but just then a new leader emerged. Miraculous. Yeah, right? New guy started talking to Jesus. then a new leader emerged. Miraculous. Yeah, right. New guy started talking to Jesus.

This was a guy named John Bockelson, known to history of as John of Liden, and he started having new and improved visions. Turned out Jesus was speaking through him now, and once the townspeople found out what kind of shit Jesus was saying to him, they started along for the days when their leader was just executing them for masturbating.

Oh, well, we're gonna give all those people in the town a minute to clear their browser history while we take break for some apropos of nothing. I can't believe we have to do this. You are the one who shouted, cut his dick off, and nail it to the door. Okay, that did mean I was volunteering. I just said that, that's what it means. That's exactly what it means. Whatever, it's fine, it's fine. We're here, we're here.

Here, you hold, I'll nail it. Oh, absolutely not. Whatever, it's fine. It's fine. We're here. We're here. Here. You hold. I'll nail it. Oh Absolutely not. You're gonna hold and I'm gonna nail it. Oh my god. Fine. Go Dude not not like that What do you mean? What's what's wrong with this? It's like a weird bat symbol just hold the dick And I'll do one right through the center of the dick man. I'm gonna hold you should do one through each ball I am not discussing this hold the dick. Please'll do one right through the center of the dick, man. I'm not gonna hold, you should do one through each ball. I am not discussing this. Hold the dick, please.

And thank you. Fine, man. It's gonna split again. It's not gonna split again, hold it. Fine, fine. And I told you. Fucking shit, fuck, fuck! Hey, hey, here goes, the-

Fuck it's the guards. I've got a hot tub, eh? Nope, nope, please don't. Hot. Tar, us, we were just, uh, we were, Speak up now, I'm about to pull. Um, we're here to nail your guys, Take to the door, but it's super slippery and we messed up.

Did you, did you try and, Yeah, we do the bulls. Ha, hold you, that's... I hate you so much! Well, when we left off, people were serving heads on pikes like a shiskebob instead of the natural plating on a platter in its own juices. It's terrible. Anyway, what happened next? This is all over the map, culinary speaking. Yeah.

So, leading in this story is a fantastic pie. It's really good. All right. So, one thing that Bon Waldeck really had going for him at this point is that the anabaptist problem and the larger problem of the radical reformation was going on all over the place. So basically everyone in any level of authority had invested interest in not seeing the the anabaptist succeed in taking over Munster. Yeah, because that would be no good.

Right. So to this point, sorry, I was going to be a little cheesy. So, so to this point, all the sovereigns nearby are happy to lend troops and cannons and supplies or whatever. But now that things been going on for a little while, some of those very same sovereigns are worried it's going to inspire similar revolts. It's going to look like it's been successful. So the people giving him all this military aid start pressing him to just attack the damn city and end this shit. What's taking so long just have Janet Reno run over their kids with a tank. He's surprised.

Yeah, the younger members of the audience, the attorney general of the United States once ran over children with a tank, but it's fine because they were probably already dead. Right, they were probably burned to death by a different thing. I don't think Janorino was driving, but I think she was. No, let's get out of the one. She's definitely stepped out of the one. I like it better. She's driving it though.

I feel like that's you know, stand by her. No, yeah, right. Living the moment. So they set a date for the attack and they spread it around the ranks of various mercenaries that they're going to be attacking the following morning. Of course, word leaks to the anabaptists as well, so they start preparing their defenses. Then in a stroke of luck for the anabaptists and in a story that probably isn't true, but it's just way too fucking good to leave out.

A few of the mercenaries get shit-based drunk that afternoon. They pass out, they wake up to the sun setting, think it's the sun rising, and assume they're late to the battle. So they throw their armor on they charge in and then upon seeing this group rushing the city walls and nervous that they're going to miss out on all the good raping and pillaging, most of the rest of the bishops army just attacks as well. All right. Now, this is why you have to decide ahead of time. Is it one, two, three or

one, two, three go? It's, yeah. All right. So for the next time, it's on go. It's obviously on go. Also, quick review about East and West. You know about that right? We're not going to do this. So so now we've got this like disorganized and prompt to leaderless drunken back. Everybody is drinking the night before a fucking battle. It's ramping up just as the sun is going down and it's about to be dark. And again, the Antibaptists are ready for it. They haven't been drinking their fucking amish, right? So they've been expecting this in the morning, of course, but they've

already been, they've been drilling all day. They've got their pitch boiling. They've got their weapons. It's ready. So the disorganized army crashes against the wall. It gets boiling pitch dumped all over it. It suffers a parage of arrows. Ultimately retreats. A lot of people run into the, to the moat in their fucking armor and drown pieces. You know, a bunch of fucking people die way fewer people retreat than the number of people

who attack. So that means attacking again in the morning a bit complicated. Bad dress could open him, right? Everybody. No, the, Now, the the the Pritzvahhip would try another attack a bit later. This time he would get thwarted by a sudden downpour and a defense that had been digging

in for months at that point. But eventually he gave up on the idea of attacking and decided he was just going to starve him out whatever that took. So you're telling me starving a man was always an option. I'd have to get my entire left side poached in oil. Yeah, but now you smell delicious and that'll drive them crazy. All right. So meanwhile, John of Liden was setting about his role as the new king of Munster and the voice of God. And one of the first things he did once granted unlimited power and authority over everyone

in the city was start fucking him. So among his first holy revelations was that God wanted to re-institute the practice of polygamy. And then in quick succession, he took 16 wives. And then he had one of them publicly executed when she spoke out against him. Now to be clear, we don't actually know how much of the sex stuff was just propaganda

put out by Catholics trying to discredit the whole movement, right? The story was very much written by the Anabaptist's enemies. But the story at least is that John Liden Institute of the Policy where girls had to say yes to whoever proposed to them first, and he set off like a Oklahoma land rush kind of situation. And I say girls, intentionally, that we're not necessarily talking about women here. A lot of these girls are as young as 14 and being claim point men in their 50s. Yeah. So Bernard Rothman sets about writing a theological justification for the polygamy where he points out that some of God's favorite biblical characters actually

had multiple wives. Besides, the city had 9,000 residents at this point, only about 1,600 of them were men. So you know, how else are you going to keep all those women from falling into sin by having sex outside of wedlock? Right. For their own chaps. And then he got hooked on benzos. He put himself in a coma to get off him. He crawls in back.

He's like, you're on the frog on a live show. I know this story. I know this story. Yeah. So needless to say, the women whose souls were being rescued by this policy weren't all that excited about the prospect of marrying whoever managed to claim them Just a bunch of women faking loud phone calls on their hand ever Turn around blenders I'm going around blenders. What was that?

Really? I can't hear you. What was that? What is it? I'm deaf now. We all went deaf. I don't know how. It's so weird.

So, in fact, so many women refused to play along that John and his leadership council had to create a women's prison out of an old content. But the idea of going to prison was so much more appealing than being the like wife number seven for some middle-aged pervert that they just had to abandon the idea of going to prison was so much more appealing than being the like wife number seven for some middle-aged Pervert that they just had to abandon the idea of jailing. I'm pretty much right away But wives weren't John of Lines only access after declaring himself King or sorry after God declared him King through Him he had lavish royal outfits made in Royal insignia drawn up and he paraded through town with a royal entourage and he feasted on the finest foods the city had to offer While pretty much everyone else starved

So by spring of 1535 the city had been under siege for more than a year and people were so hungry They were trying to eat paving stones and not John though John trying to eat paving stones. And not John though, John, John was eating the finest license, play grants the besiege town had to offer. Tiger blood, my man. Tiger blood. Now, you would think that religious movements would only get one, well, Jesus actually meant next Easter, but it turns out that every new problem gets one.

Yeah. Jesus. So, now it's a Hoffman predicted Jesus would come on Easter 1533 when that didn't come through Matthias reissued it for 1534 and when it failed again in 1534, Lydon reissued it for 1535. Needless to say, people were way less confident the third time around. Oh, really? It helped convince everybody that he was being truthful, uh, lighten also said that if Jesus failed to show up on Easter Sunday of 1535, he would surrender himself to be executed as a false prophet.

And honestly, given his tyrannical rule, it's hard to say which option the people in Munster would have preferred by the time that date started getting close. Yeah, because in Munster, false prophets are torn limb from limb burger. I'm surprised there haven't been more cheeseburgonously so. Okay, if I'm the Catholic Prince Bishop guy, I'm having someone dress up as Jesus Christ and show up the day before Easter. Oh, it's a guy. So now, of course, Easter comes and goes once more,

no Jesus and justice predictably, John did not give himself up to be executed. Instead, he said that Jesus had returned invisibly and now everyone's sins had been forgiven and they were in paradise and they were welcome. Now at this point, a lot of people just openly wanted out. And for his part, John didn't want to keep feeding them anyway. So he said, Hey, anybody wants to leave? Can go. And a bunch of the starving rebels took

him up on it, but fun. Well, that wasn't just going to let him go. Right. So he just straight up executed most of the people that came out and hung their bodies where the rest of the monstrikes could see them. Oh, puppet show reboot. And there you go. What? It was scape the wall city. Yeah. Yeah.

And there were a few that he didn't execute like women and children stuff, but he just turned them back. Now, Wyden isn't going to let him back in and have to feed him. So they ended up just spending the remainder of the siege halfway between the city's walls and the bishops army just Starving to death in the field but but eventually by June of 1535 damn near a year and a half after the siege began It came to an end a few guards in the city offered to help bond wall deck exploit a weakness in their defenses in exchange for amnesty And on June 24th, they managed to sneak about 300 soldiers into the city

Now John gathered every fighting age man together, put a sword in their hands, but they're all starving to death that they don't make particularly good fighters at this point. The battle was over the following day. And of the more than 10,000 people who started off with the rebellion, only a few hundred survived long enough to recant, disavow, and abaptism, and be spared. Wow. Okay. that's really bad. I'd love to have sympathy for all the dead people, but they died being like, no, I'm dipping my head in magic water as a grown-up, too.

I would rather start to death than only do it once as a baby. No, fuck you. I'm glad you're dead. The overwhelming majority of these people had no say in how this played out out right. They didn't want the city to rebel or whatever. They were just stuck in it. But yeah, the leaders certainly had it coming. So now for his part, John of Liden was taken alive along with Bernard Nipperdolling and a member of his council of 12, a third guy named Bernard that I had to leave out because

I didn't want to make the cast too confusing. Maybe you'd let me point out more juice. There were no juice in this. I could have had a juice. You want to name the juice now? Just some other ones. Take it all. What? No. So the three of them were sentenced to be tortured to death in the public square. And feel free to skip ahead a minute or so if you don't want all the glory details,

but I'm going to give them. Each of the three was attached to a pole with a spiked collar, and then his body was ripped apart with red hot tongs for an hour. And they did them like one after the other, starting with John, and they didn't such a way as not to kill him. So he had to just like hang out there for two hours with his guts all ripped up

while they took care of the Bernard's. Then all three men had their tongues pulled out, and then they were killed with a burning dagger to the heart. Jesus. Yeah, no idea why it would be burning, right? Like as a dagger to the heart would have done it. I feel like that's just theatrical. Okay, not for nothing,

but I would feel cheated if I went third because you know everyone's paying attention to the first two screaming guys the whole time. Everyone's bored. Nobody's watching you. Jesus, Kaila, you are the only person in history whose need for attention trumps your actual need for survival.

Like, ancient Eli's got a tight five. He's been rehearsing in the dungeon for his last words. Yeah. I think that's just ancient Eli. I was gonna say, I sure wish Eli was the only person in history from that was true, but yeah. So interestingly, there, there are deal didn't end at death. Well, at least not in the eyes of the religious lunatics of the day. So as to deny them a proper burial and to warn off would be revolutionary thinking

about doing the same thing, the three men's bodies were put in cages and hung from the steeple of the local Catholic church, the St. Lambert's church. The bodies rotted in those cages for 50 years before the remains were taken out, but the three cages still hang from the church steable to this day. Yeah, I know. I still have my Christmas lights up. So. Yeah, it's like that.

They put a little tinsel on it because of the sun. And if you had to summarize what you learned in one sense, what would it be? As long as I wait 10 years, it's okay to copy off a Dan Carlin's homework. Are you ready for the quiz? Yes, you're right. All right, Noah, what are some other tragic moments in history with war crimes and also cheese words. Hey, the battle of Antietam, be, since heat him, eat him is a fucking cheese.

God, I didn't know it was a cheese. I didn't know it was a cheese either. Eat him cheese, it's in it. It's fine. You have to capitalize it. Be the battle of Brio, Gima See? The genocide of the Kurds. Or DGG's with B. Dikes.

Swiss being neutral in World War II. Because that's true. Nice. Well done. Well done. Or E, I didn't really ask a question that made sense. Which is your favorite of those? Right.

Yeah. So I'm tempted to go with the Battle of Antietam because I want you to feel better about yourself at the end But it's gotta be it's gotta be see the genus It was see I still feel I felt amazing about myself before you Amazing just some people don't get things you have to know things No, obviously Christianity is a religion of peace and not just some tribute band to a bronze age war god. So how can you tell a real religious sect from a cult?

Hmm. Hey, how long it takes the leadership to suggest God wants them to fuck all the women? B, that's it. That is the only difference. C, reject the premise. There is no difference. All right. All right. Interesting. I thought I had it. You threw me for a look. I think it's going to be B. That is the only difference. It is the only difference.

That's right. That's right. All right. No, what are some of the best hangout spots in a polygamist communist called city? A, the polyarmory. Nice. I don't know how to do that one. B. Head on a pikes place market. Okay.

C. Mount Long Mayhi Rainier. T. What? T. D. D. It's your unlucky to be there at the end space

Meville in your face What what how you really blew your love with that first Maybe just leave one nobody did the one this week you could just leave it one Yeah, I'm gonna go with a the poly armory that is wrong It's the head on the pegs, please, Mark it. I was pretty lucky. Oh, close second Eli wins. I want Tom to write an essay.

Sure. Okay. All right, well for Noah Heath, Eli and Tom, I'm Cecil. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, Tom will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, be thankful you don't live in the 1500s.

And if you'd like to help keep this show going, can make a per episode of nation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five star review every weekend. Like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod dot com. Reginald Kaufholth, I sent a Jew to death for crimes against the king. Cut off his dick and shove it up his butt! What is with it with you, man? Oh, absolutely not.

You're gonna hold and I'm gonna nail it. Oh my god, fine, go. Dude, not... not like that. What do you mean? What's wrong with this? It's like a weird bat symbol. Just hold the dick and I'll do one right through the center of the dick man. I'm not gonna hold you should do one through each ball. I am not discussing this. Hold the dick please and thank you. Fine, fine.

Fuck. Great. You split it. I told you. God damn it. You wanna do the balls now? No, just put the pieces on top of the job Hold on give me a second Okay, okay It's like you're making a club sandwich here. Okay, here we go.

It's like a dad would okay, here we go.