Citation Needed - The New England Vampire Panic

Episode Date: February 23, 2022

The New England vampire panic was the reaction to an outbreak of tuberculosis in the 19th century throughout Rhode Island, eastern Connecticut, southern Massachusetts, Vermont, and other areas of the New England states.[1] Consumption (tuberculosis) was thought to be caused by the deceased consuming the life of their surviving relatives.[2] Bodies were exhumed and internal organs ritually burned to stop the "vampire" from attacking the local population and to prevent the spread of the disease. Notable cases provoked national attention and comment, such as those of Mercy Brown in Rhode Island and Frederick Ransom in Vermont. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

I mean, it's just so good, right? Oh, and Alan Richardson is perfect. Oh, you guys talking about Reacher? So good, right? So fucking good. I mean, love this. He's like, he's like, I just watched you gouge out of guys' eyes. He started it. He's like, he're gonna come through the door to the studio.

Yeah, man. Yeah, we'll be there in a second. Dude, I gotta say they cleaned up the killing floor so well. I was thinking the same thing because like the book is it's his first one. It's pretty sloppy, but they really fleshed out the character. Great job. Usually you guys come in and then I do dramatic managons. Yeah, we know we're talking. Yeah. So season two. Oh, honestly, the books in order, right? They just go obviously. Yeah. Sometimes the person who isn't outside the door is also part of the

panicking. So yeah, I so Thomas here too. Oh, my God, fine. Yep, you guys are dressed like vampires, okay. Okay. Those, um, those plastic teeth. Yeah, were you guys talking about Reacher? So good, right? Oh my god, I bitch, the whole thing last night. Fuck. I also have a rubber bat.

Yep. We see man, we see the bat. Yep, and a cape Oh Whoa and welcome to citation Bleed it the podcast Truth a subject read a single article about the turn we could be the and began to wear experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now I'm Eli Oh, no For the Halloween episode okay, we'll Oh, geez. And I thought this was for the Halloween episode.

Okay, we'll stop doing that now. I will stop. Thank you. One and a half sentences, too late. Yeah, one and a half. Too late. Felt it. I mean, like Bosnick, and we'll need some co-hosts who are very unclear on the company calendar.

First up, two men who it's very important to me don't think too hard about who may or may not be living off their life for Cecil and Noah Unrecommendation I gave my energy to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and you see where that Whoops my bad. I know this is why you were talking about Eli But you guys think that mosquitoes who bite me get high At least a little And also joining us tonight two of my fellow leeches Tom and he okay I might be a leech, but I can spell the word leech Eli

Clumsy set up you could just say heath and Tom are here. It's fine. We don't fit into the weird thing Fine So lazy before I begin tonight. I like to take a moment to thank our patients I begin tonight. I'd like to take a moment to thank our patients. Patience, you are the lifeblood of those podcasts. And unlike those in weeks of the blood, suckers, weeks of notes on it. She's never done it. When you're, oh, my God, it's insane. Listening to this for free, you've got a stake stake in our success that will always be.

Oh, that's funny because he spelled spelled it S T A K E jokes are funnier. Yeah, we have to tell you. Yeah, it's just we've got to always be grateful for what? Okay, I'm done. It kind of works. Thank you. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around till the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us Cecil, what person, please think concept phenomenon or event. We'll be talking about today. Today, we're going to be talking about the vampire panic of New England. All right. And Tom, yeah, nobody seems to have frozen to death in this story. You've okay, buddy. I've warmed up to this topic, actually. So tell us, Tom, what was the vampire panic of New

England? All right. Well, first I think it's fair to say that we are, we are now living in America in crisis. I mean, we're respect by anti mask, anti-vax, anti-science dip shittery. Dr. Oz, the shill for hire is threatening to run for political office in a sizeable chunk of our populist gets their news from a guy you got famous for coercing strangers to eat bugs and cry about it. Dan Rather. No, not Dan Rather. No, that's also Dan.

And listen, all that is true. And it's just that except Dan Rather. Except for the Dan Rather. What did Dan Rather do? Anything that Eli says, definitely not true. It is all just the tip of the shit iceberg, but in this episode, I'm gonna do something new and very different for me. I'm gonna give you guys some hope in the form of perspective because it's bad and it's

stupid and it's pointless as things may seem now. One only has to harken back into American history to realize that incredible as it may seem, shit used to be worse. A whole whole lot worse. This is our opportunity to sit back with smug grins and pat ourselves on the back because hey, some of us might be drinking our own urine instead of taking medicine to prevent disease, but at least we're not eating our children's hearts, which we did for more than

100 years to avoid vampires. Okay, speak for yourself, Tom. You never brought a bee home to your Jewish mother, all right? She, she, she, she, you got it? Like metaphorical. I had it. Okay. Yeah.

This is the story of the American vampire panic. And to understand this in many ways is to understand other historical and contemporary panics because they are all fundamentally the same. When people are presented with problems, which seem confusing, intractable, and lacking a clear villain, we have a tendency to create a monster or villain to simplify problems. We don't understand and to give us something or someone to rally against like Dr. Fauci. Okay. Make sense. Exactly like Dr. Fauci, unfortunately.

That joke is too real. See, slet hurts me. Look, whether it's witches and the 1600s, immigrants, pretty much always or vampires in the 1800s, social villainy panics pop up to give us someone or something to focus our confusion, our grief, our rage, and our higher at. And crazily 200 years after the Salem witch trials in New England, America, people were shitting themselves in fear of vampires, a vampire panic, which would last four generations. Okay.

So like, I got to be honest with you though, when I first saw the title, I assumed this would be something that happened in like the eighties. So I'm kind of impressed. I mean, I just wanted to get him. You know what I mean? Right? What do you take them up on the offer? Which seems like you get, you get to start.

Would you do it? Would you do it? They, they fuck a lot, right? They do a bunch of like cool fucking, you don't, yeah. I, yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam.

I, yes, Liam. I, yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. I, yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. I, yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam.

Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam.

Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes, Liam. Yes have a more sex. And let's log in. So understand how and why New England, America was losing their mind and fear of vampires. We have to set some context. First, the vampire itself was not a new concept. Vampires were part of a longstanding Slavic folklore. An America had plenty of immigrants of Slavic origin who had settled throughout New England

bringing with them their vampire mythology. But what America also had, and this is actually the important part of the story, is a very serious tuberculosis problem. Crazily, the vampire folklore would collide with the scourge of TB, which was ripping through New England to create this panic. Just a vampire getting ready to bite someone pulls a small little packet out of his wallet has trouble opening it and unfolds into a mouth Perse vampire dental down He's trying to unroll it backwards it hurts. It's just pinching And I still use it if I used it wrong for like a second Oh, I pulled through again I still use it if I used it wrong for like a second.

Oh, I pulled through again. Oh, again. What if I just stop biting you at the right time? I promise. I'm really good at stopping. Just the tip of the fang. Just give me a little bit of the tip of the fang in there. Just a tip. Don't you trust me? So how's weird if you do?

To bite you. You're my only blood doll just you. What if I bite your ass? Let's say it, right? So how bad was the TV problem? I don't know how to transition on it. It's a clean cut. It'll be fine. Just got pregnant paws happen. Just go. So bad was the TV problem in America in the 1800s. Pretty much as bad as you can imagine and then much worse.

Okay, Tom, I can imagine a hundred percent of people got it and their dicks all exploded. Now you look stupid. A lot of people don't have dicks. I don't feel like I look stupid. Anyway, beginning in the 1730s, tuberculosis began to spread through New England. I don't know if they'll explode. TB, also known as consumption, is a genuinely awful disease. First, it is fantastically contagious. According to an article from the Smithsonian, consumption had become the leading cause of death by the 1800s. It is no small feat when you consider that there were rather a lot of competitors for killing

people in this time, like the God damn Civil War. Wow. TB was, by some accounts, responsible for as many as a quarter of all deaths during this time. Jesus. Yeah. And well, and given the two problems of an infectious disease and a mythical beast of lore, there was never any doubt as to which the Americans were going to take seriously. Yeah.

Like, COVID is like one and a half civil wars in terms of American death right now. So far. Yeah. Fun fact. That's so fun. But in the later half, all the right people are dying. It's like if just the southerners lost in the second half. Yeah. Yeah. So positive spin. Thank you. You're welcome. I actually feel better now. So now that name, consumption, that was no mistake. Important to the vampire story, the progression of TB seemed to consume the inflicted. The disease could at times take years to claim a life, all the while causing terrible symptoms,

including fevers, a hacking bloody cough and a slow wasting of the body. Described in one 18th century newspaper, quote, the emaciated figure strikes one with terror. The four had covered with drops of sweat. The cheeks painted with a livid crimson. The eyes sunk. The breath offensive. Quick and laborious. And the cough so incessant as the scarce allow the wretched sufferer time to tell his complaints. In short, those suffering from TB seem to have the very life drained from them by an invisible force.

Spoiler, it's a bacterium, but it's, you know, okay, but Tom, three quarters of people didn't die from it. We can't live in fear forever. Okay. One, go to brunch. Fuck you. All right, but TB didn't always take years. Some people would contract TB and remain asymptomatic for years before exhibiting any symptoms.

And then others would get sick quickly. And the disease would cause terrible damage very swiftly. This was classified as the galloping form of TB. And doctors at this time, they had no clue about how any of this worked. Just none. Some patients got sick and died quickly. Other language for years, while still others seemed to fare rather well despite their infections, medicine at the time was not up to the task of dealing with this. Recommendations for those to TV included drinking water with brown sugar in it, moving out of New England

to more erud climbs and crazily horseback riding, but like prescription horseback riding. Yeah. Farma C biscuit. Seattle flu ship. No, I don't have a gallop but tors. No, that's not stupid. It's just to defend. So okay. It's scary that I mean like back then, it just stupid old timing. They're resorting to horse medicine. That must have been terrifying. I have to imagine. It's like a really serious thing going on in there. Like horse medicine, this will be fine.

Should nobody understood what even caused disease, much less consumption, which should not prevent anyone from wildly speculating about it. We know that TB is a respiratory illness caused by bacterial infection. The treatment is antibiotics, but at this point in history, no one knew a goddamn thing about how these things worked. Doctors blamed TB on drunkenness and I'm being poor. They treated TB the way modern Republicans treat, well, actually any social problem. Right. Right. Right. Right. Which is weird because most of them do that while drunkenly poor. Right. Yeah. And one more bit of context rural New England. In the latter part of the 1800s, this was not good times. Huge numbers of young men had gone off to war and never

to return. Jobs were scarce for those who stayed. And numbers of young men had gone off to war and never to return. Jobs were scarce for those who stayed and so many young people just didn't stay. Towns up and down rural New England were full of so many deserted farms that this was a very strange thing to read. Governments took back large swaths of private property so they could and I cannot imagine how this solved anything, burn the abandoned farmhouses to the ground. Now much of the land itself was far from fertile, being described in many places as being full of, quote, rocks, rocks, and more rocks. And

quote, so things were fairly desperate. Also a bunch of burned farmhouse. So things were fairly desperate. Also a bunch of burned farmers. Yeah, right. They make it better. Slightly charred rocks. All right. Well, Tom is just describing New England in the past tense. So while we sternly show him Google Maps,

let's take a little break for Apropos. Nothing. From the makers of I Frankenstein and Vampire Hunter comes a new chapter in horror. When vampires invade New England, I'm afraid there is no escape, Miss O'Reilly. Your blood is mine. Oh no, he's gonna fucking bite me in my junk and stuff. Only one man can stand against them. I'll know you fucking don't, buddy.

Mark Wahlberg is Abraham Van Helsing. Ain't no Chinese guy gonna touch my girl. Yeah, you fucking tell them. Wait, what? I'm not Chinese, I am the vampire. Tell it to the judge! Ugh! This summer, Boston Red Sucks! And we're back!

And we probably shouldn't do a live show in Boston for a little while. What happened next, Tom? All right, well, now come the vampires kind of imagine the scenario. You are a rural New England dirt farmer. No, no, suck it. Know what around you knows how anything works and you know even less. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, first, perhaps your son begins coughing up blood. Things don't look good. Perhaps because of the equestrian therapy, they seem to have the galloping version. And so they succumb fairly swiftly. Those are really, you bury them. Time passes when another family member begins to cough and sweat and wither before your eyes. Again, things not looking so good. In fact, it appears at the same ailment, which just claimed your son has its hooks and someone else, and the news is tightening around you. You realize this isn't a disease of poverty and drunkenness. It's clear now,

what is happening? Your dead son isn't dead at all, but is in fact a vampire returning from the grave to suck the life force from others in your family. Got it. I don't want to throw wrench in things here. Rural New England farmer, but have you considered it's the horse that's. It's a better theory than it was the first victim. That's a weird way to solve it.

Is the perfect crime though, right? It's how Kennedy did it. Yeah, he's every day, he's a murder, suicide murder is way harder for them to figure out. Yeah, interesting. So on the absence of real knowledge or the ability to even get closer to real knowledge, rural New England farmers became obsessed with the idea of vampires. Consumption was not a disease which spread from person to person. That's ridiculous. Consumption was a result of vampires attacking

people and sucking out their precious, precious life energy and something would clearly need to be done about this. Yeah, I mean, I guess, let's say what you will about hydroxocloroquine, but at least you didn't have to stab anybody in the heart with it. So okay. Yes. It would be worse. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Now, obviously, it wasn't enough to merely suspect that some dead guy was a vampire. Proof was, of course, required. The first step was to exhume the buried corpse of the suspected vampire and then examine it for science and vampirism. Okay. Just quick thing. Isn't being dead from TB a sign of not being a vampire like for sure.

Or is he? Okay. All right. Bring some of that science back to the 1800s, their heath. We'll just talk to one of the Slavic people that don't think that's the lore. It's very clear on this. I don't think you, I don't think they can die of TB. That's not the thing.

So signs of vampirism include bloating, blood on the face around the nose and mouth, fingernails, which have grown after death, and then blood in the heart and organs. I know what you're thinking. Tom, that's just corpse stuff. Yeah, sure. It is. That's corpse stuff. All of these things are just things that happen to our meat sacks when we die. We rot and we fill with gas and we bloat. We leak fluids just fucking all over our skin retracks, which makes our nails look longer and blood coagulates and then liquefies. What amuses me so much about bloated corpses. Okay. When you pause like that, it makes me feel weird. Awkward for me.

Just for you, Tom. Okay. What amuses me so much, thank you. As if these are supposed to be the things that are not supposed to happen to the dead, but they are, in fact, exactly the things that happen to the dead. If your standard for finding vampires includes looking for the inevitable signs of decomposition, you are going to find a lot of vampires. Yeah, man. Blown with gas and leaking fluids. That's not just corpses. Four out of five of

those are me after a big dinner. His fingernails reach his wrists. If you give him a pork chop, it's fucking weird. And they did. They found a lot of vampires all over New England. Now in some states, the vampire hunts, they were quiet, private affairs, often involving only the family and a few close, like corpse examining friends in other areas. These were big deal events with hundreds of people flocking to the vampire hunt and local officials. Well, officiating the event. It was vampire season in America. And the hunting was excellent. Okay, I just, I was thinking about this. Every

pitchfork, mom, they got to have a few people who like don't really care. He's got to be a few like, you know, the kid whose dad's making him play the league and they're just like, kill the beast. Kill the beast. What ever exhausted. Once a vampire is confirmed through the rigorous testing process of digging up corpses, cutting them open and seeing how much blood is inside the muck. The vampires evil life force sucking ways, then have to be stopped. Again, significant regional differences in how to stop vampires. In Maine, the vampires

are just turned over. So they were laying on their bellies. I guess like main vampires are so full of lobster rolls. They're immobilized when placed upon their tumtums. I don't know. Lobster rolls are delicious. And Vermont and Connecticut, the vampires are made of tougher stuff and they needed to be dealt with much more harshly. Yeah, they need to be burped before they were put down on their belly. That's the main vampire ends up in the center of the earth. Okay. You

got me. Magma. To the killer vampire in Vermont and Connecticut, you could use the traditional steak through the chest. Interestingly, the goal of staking a vampire here was to literally fasten it down to prevent the undead from rising. The stake itself did appear to have any magical properties. Other options include beheading, always a fine choice, binding the feet with thorns, smashing the corpse and then rearranging the bones. And then most frequently removing the heart and burning it.

Sorry, just circling back. Why would you smash the corpse, take the bones out, and then put them back. Uh huh, rearrange. You see, I think you're going to take one big leg bone with you or something. At least take an important one, but really just they're out now. Like what? And actually, I didn't put this in the essay, but actually when they rearranged them, they often arranged them to they looked, and I'm not kidding, so they looked like the Jolly

Roger. So they would cross the femur bones and then put the skull, and it really did. They rearranged them so they very often looked like the Jolly Roger. Talked like the pirate flag? Yeah, crazy. Absolutely. Okay. So I would enjoy it if like a vampire came back with like arms as legs and legs as arms

comes. Yeah. Like that. It just comes hopping out of the grave. Chris Cross applesauce. Okay. Now I'm gonna come back. Yeah. Asshole.

Look like zen geef. All right. You know what? I withdraw the question. That would be awesome. Yeah. Science. So again, removing the heart and burning it.

That was not uncommon. But nor was it a clendestine practice. In 1793 in Manchester, a local official presided over a heart burning ceremony, which took place at the local blacksmiths forge. The local paper had this to say, quote, Timothy Meade officiated at the altar in the sacrifice to the demon vampire, who was believed was still sucking the blood out of the then living wife of Captain Burton. It was the month of February and good slaying.

Oh, a hunt, until the kids to get the sleds and to avoid the Meads house, not in that order. You know, this is actually the first time it's occurred to me that that son could be about a one horse open murder. So I want to leave this episode now with the story of the last known vampire exclamation that we have written record of it took place in 1892. 1892 is not far back enough. By the way, Columbus said the ocean blue. No, that is.

Basley wildly inaccurate. Just why wouldn't it rhyme? Terrified. Stanley donated the cup. How little you know about things to Christopher Columbus. Jesus. Yep. Wow.

Okay. Lord Stanley. Mr. Stanley. in the sun. So this is the story of Mercy Brown, whose family called her Lena. Lena lived in Exeter, Rhode Island. Exeter was one of the aforementioned unpopulated little rural garbage towns. It's such garbage it was known actually as deserted Exeter was one of the aforementioned unpopulated little rural garbage towns. As such garbage, it was known actually as deserted Exeter. The population of Exeter, because of war and disease, had dropped from 2500 down to 961 from 1820 to 1892.

Lena's problems began in 1882 when her family began to get sick and die. Lena's mother died first, followed by Lena's sister the next year. And a few years later, Lena's brother Edwin got sick as well and left town to quote, catch the air and quote, as they say in Colorado Springs. Lena was still just a child when she lost almost her whole family. Oh, thank you for pausing for jokes here, Tom. Great chance to get my yucks in. Yeah. I thought I'd give you a second. Give you a second. Now, a decade later,

Lena fell ill and now with these slow and city STB, but with the vicious, swift galloping version. Her brother was there like a medium canter. And her brother, Edwin was having some success with a brief permission and return to Exeter from Colorado to be with his sister. Lena succumbed to tuberculosis in the January of 1892. And shortly thereafter, her brother Edwin began to relapse in worsen. The vampires just rubbing his hands. Oh, yeah, delivery.

The neighbors were completely freaked the fuck out. The whole damn family was wasting away. This looked like classic vampire shit. After all, Lena died and then Edwin started getting worse. What could explain that other than Lena turning into a vampire after death and sucking the life force from her sick brother who rushed to her bedside at her hour of need. I was vampire stuff here. So the neighbors pressured the hell out of George, Lena's father to check the graves of his family for signs of vampires. And, you know, it's like there was any medicine to try. So if there was any hope of saving Edwin, this was kind of it. George reluctantly gave permission to the neighbors to dig up his dead family and

then, you know, root around in their chest to see if their hearts had fresh blood in them. So on March 17th, 1892, a party of men, as well as the family doctor and a correspondent for the journal newspaper, trudged over to the family cemetery to dig up Georgia's family. George stayed home because, oh my fucking God, of course he did it. So getting right. 18, 19, we're a hundred plus years of the show. How did nobody notice that like no one stopped having TB after they did this. Literally four generations did this. The Lena sister and mother, they were 10 years dead when they were dug up.

So they're pretty much just bones, but Lena's body remarkably fresh. Now what I say remarkably, what I mean is predictably. Look at the timeline, Lena died in the winter in Rhode Island. She was buried in the winter and then dug up in the winter. She was basically flash frozen, but that that did nothing to dissuade the credulous vampire dipshits quote, the body was in a fairly well preserved state. The heart and liver were removed. And then cutting open the heart, clotted and decomposed blood was found. And quote, and the family doctor took a look at the lungs. It was like, yeah, it's fucking tuberculosis in there, guys.

So duck, you're saying the vampire attacked someone with tuberculosis. That's great. That's how I slow it down. That's great. All right. So I don't know, man, there was blood in the organ that pumps blood. Yeah. So definitely not tuberculosis, a scary disease that was untreatable and poorly understood.

No, no, no, no. The villain here was definitely vampires. The villagers took the heart and I love this line. They quote, burned it on a rock and quote, now I need a bit lighter and a half a gallon of charcoal lighter fluid to get the coals hot in my grill. And these guys are setting fire to a rotting goopy heart that they put on a rock. This is the part of the story I'm most impressed by because the next thing they did was they feed the ashes of the burnt heart to Edwin. I read two different accounts of this story. In one, they mix Lena's like heart ashes with water to make a kind of

decomposed burnt sister heart T. Rule. And in the end, it was big low T, by the way, my face. In the other story, they just say they feed this guy the ashes, just straight up eat some ashes, asshole. And despite what was clearly the best science of the age, Edwin died of fucking tuberculosis two months later, probably still trying to get that taste out of his mouth. I like to think when they did cook the heart on a nice large flat rock, they did it with

a little Benny Hanna flair. Toss it up in the air. Yeah. Catching it in their head and shit. All the last time burned the heart of my little girl like that except for the onion volcano. The only volcano was cool. Otherwise pretty sad. A story of Lena's exclamation and heart cremation snack situation made the paper. And this really marked the end of the vampire panic. At this point, this should have been going on for a hundred years and

it was honestly getting kind of embarrassing. And pressure from outside brought an end to the panic. The world was ready to try to move on from this superstition to embrace others, such as trickle down economics. I'm a change denial. The Satanic panic and the new and improved Satanic panic, starring the internet, Q and on. All right, Tom. And if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? Something, something, eat your heart out. Yes.

All right, Tom, are you ready for the quiz? I am bloated with excitement. All right, Tom. What is the best vampire meal delivery service? Oh God. A Gordash ghost mates. He insta heart. Oh, or D. Hello, flesh. Holy shit. Hello, flesh. Hello, flesh. Oh, all right. All so good.

Oh, I don't like going after C-celon puns. Okay. Do you want me to go? No. So what you've extracted the heart, what's the best way to burn it, Tom? Yeah. Okay.

Use a twilight or just go downhill from here. Be grill it with a steak. A K E steak. Okay, all right. No, see put it in an industrial furnace, but make sure you hire a good stoker. You put it on a vampire Good oh

Man, I don't know You don't know what's the correct. I'm gonna go with the stoker. That's sure why not it was see stoker all right Tom Yes, fun's over. What was the anthem of the New England vampire panic? A, shipping up to Boston by the drop dead Murphy's. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's the best one.

So That's a good. That's a good. My favorite thing about the Eli puns is when he when he tells one of them and there's this long dead silence afterwards where you're trying to figure out what happened.

Yeah. Okay. What's the second one? Be a goo sport state of mind. What? I don't. New York state. A part of New England. Goo sport. See? What's the punk? Um, burn in love. What is that? Don't, don't I don't know. Secret answer. D none of those are any good. You're not wrong. You're not wrong, Tom.

Was that that was correct? Yeah. Okay, good. Wasn't wrong. Tom, one more for you. All right. Which of the following is the best restaurant for eating the heart of your vampire sister? All right. Hey, Quiz no sph- Hot. So good.

Be Chupacarabas Italian Grill. It's amazing. Chupacarabas. Or see. But, sayup chup chup chupa carabas. Or see, buffet, the vampire slayer. Oh, the vampire slayer is so good. So good. But I feel like you're tricking me.

I feel like it's still A because the mascots from a few years ago are clearly the giveaway. No, it actually, I tricked you, and I win. You did, right? Yeah, that's the one. Yeah. Cool. All right. I don't understand this game.

Next year, something from No Lusions. All right. Well, for Cecil Noah, Heath and Tom, I'll be like Bosnick, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then Noah will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can hear Tom and Cecil turn the cogs over at Coge Land of Distance and you can hear me know when he put the scat and scathing atheists, the god and god awful movies,

the skeptic and skeptic rat. We also have a show called D&D-Mines, but I only am allowed to put the D in that one. And if you'd like to keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. Or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episode, connect with us on shows from media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citation pod dot com. All right, babe. Now that I saved you from that Chinese guy, let's make out in front of everybody in this

movie theater line. Fuck yeah, we will. M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-