Citation Needed - The Sacred Band of Thebes

Episode Date: May 23, 2018

The Sacred Band of Thebes (Ancient Greek: Ἱερὸς Λόχος, Hieròs Lókhos) was a troop of select soldiers, consisting of 150 pairs of male lovers which formed the elite force of the Theban army in the 4th century BC. Its predominance began with its crucial role in the Battle of Leuctra in 371 BC. It was annihilated by Philip II of Macedon in the Battle of Chaeronea in 338 BC. --- To get tickets to see Citation Needed Live in Chicago, click here. --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

Okay, but then you just like put it right back down again. I don't. Yeah, right. Yes. Okay. Yeah. But then why'd you lift it in the first place? Because it would make you stronger. That's the whole point. I do not understand. Okay. That's that's evident. Hey, Cecil, what's up with all the, uh, Sparks? Hey, guys, hey, you won't believe it. Eli actually chose a cool topic this week. Wait, really? Yeah, yeah, Sacred Band of Thieves.

Yeah, they were totally badass army in Greece. So it's gonna be awesome. Sacred Band of Thieves, I feel like that's familiar. Yeah, yeah, it should be. Yeah, they were in a bunch of battles and stuff. So I'm going to Google this. I'm going to, I'm going to Google this. Something is not. Yeah, look it up right here. So Eli asked me to help him get ready for some pre-episode roleplay. So I started working on the forge. I got spears helmets. It's going to be awesome. Noah, Noah, he,

you guys might want to take a look at this. Oh, yeah. Cecil, I think Eli probably wasn't focused on the battle parts. Did you read it? Well, it doesn't matter whatever guys. Eli, Eli, it's ready. Eli, finally. And he's wearing a silk bathrobe. I made a spear and everything.

All right, now be gentle at first, because I told you this was not war stuff. I made a spear. I mean, I'll try it. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. The podcast where we choose to subject read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm no one I'll be driving back back the hordes of ignorance tonight, but I'll need some pretty burly men to lock arms with.

First up, two men who break the Kinsey scale by perversion and wait respectively, Eli and Tom. All right, labels are for milk jugs and so are Dix. Okay, not sure how those aren't interrelated, but you do you. I mean, I wouldn't, you're too skinny, but you do. Oh, you do you I mean I wouldn't you're too skinny, but you do Oh, you do me Come on, I'm Billy like your wife and also cigarettes yeah

Partners get taken a side to ask about their sexuality more often than any of us are comfortable with heath and Cecil okay, I like to check in every so often Heath and Cecil. Okay, I like to check in every so often. No reason I just want to check in. Guys, it's called being an insult, and we used to call it being married. Okay. Ready, sure.

Marriage is still voluntary, but I don't know. It's been redefined a bunch of times, but you can text on it. I don't even know anymore. Okay, so now before we dive into the day, I'll say this week, I want to thank our patrons. Without you, this would be a really weird part of the intro.

If you'd like to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show to learn how and with that out of the way, tell a Cecil what person-placed think concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? Today, we're going to be talking about the sacred band of Thebes. All right, and Eli, you jerked off to this article enough times already that was probably doing an episode or you're ready to zip up and educate? I am Noah. Sorrowly?

Slowly. But I am. Alright, so tell us Eli, what was the Sacred Band of Thebes? It was the most Greek thing imaginable Noah. Which is? Gay Hop Lights. Okay, so the Sacred Band of Thebes was... A hundred and fifty gay couples that kicked amazing amounts of ass. Awesome.

Yeah, I don't, okay, I get slapping and fucking, but I'm not sure where that even fits in. Or I can do it. I don't know how is that. Don't worry Tom, that's what we're here to learn. Exactly. Now, I got to warn you off the bat, the Wikipedia article mostly deals with their military exploits, boo, boring, and there's remarkably little about the gay fucking, but they definitely gay fucked.

So I thought maybe I'll just spruce up the source material with some ideas I got when I looked up gay hop light on Pornhub. You know what, let's just stick to the Wikipedia article, you like? Okay, fine, I will do it myself. I want to play too. I want to play too. And porn hub is pretty sure I meant submissive husband sucking toes and getting cucked. Didn't you though? Well, to be fair, interesting. Yeah, their AI is really good.

I just wake up and weird shits on that I wanted. It's impressive. So the earliest record of the sacred band by name came in 324 BCE in the works of Dinarcus. He doesn't talk much about them, but he mentions that they were responsible for the ass whipping the Spartans took at the Battle of Luktra. Nothing at all about the fucking. You see what I'm up against. Is it sounds like a JC Penny catalog of ancient battles? No. Now, the most significant source we have for them is Plutarch. And even he tells us their origin story, which is amazing.

So apparently the sacred band was formed after a rebel group kicked the Spartans out of their city. Now Plutarch said it was started by this guy named Gorgadas, but there's some disagreement about that. Some sources say Gorgadas merely reformed and elite force. Others say there's no way history is cool enough that an army made a gay dudes was found by a guy named Gorgadas. There's a lot of back in the forest. According to Plutarch, Gorgadas hand picked the 300 strongest men of the city, regardless of social class. Then he paired him off into gay couples like just to creed which ones would fuck each other.

Exactly. Including the fact that he decreed tops and bottoms like each pair. That's just that's just smart. Yeah, each pair was made up of an older arastise, which means lover and younger aeromenos, which means beloved. Huh. Huh. Okay, serious question for you guys. What did gay guys do on their birth date?

Let's watch the special. Do you mean for each other or like, how do they sell it? I'm not. Yes. Candles? Cagals? Candles.

Anyways, so then Gorgados orders them to do butt stuff, fall in love with each other and be good at war. They're motto. No fatties, no fatties. I made up that last part. Yeah, pairing them up seems so boring. It'd been much better if they just marched into battles along Konga line of dudes. Just hot, hot, hot, plan. You're not scared of that. You're not scared. Exactly. Exactly. That's at least you'd be confused for a second.

You wouldn't know what to do. In my head though, they form up into like a human centipede type formation, but with like with two rows. And if you hit the middle, they swing. Right. Right. I just admire the efficiency. It's like a recruiting office and casting couch all

in one. Just to point out that the historical record gives us no proof that they didn't do all that stuff. So that's it's perfectly fine too that I'm envisioning it. So Eli, were they, were they good at war? Apparently, that's all this article cares about too. So yeah, they were good at work. And the first time I truly understood why Cecil loves doing these old-time military reenactments. When I read the wiki that quote, their regular training included wrestling and dance and, quote, parade floats and waxing tips and wine pairings. Sounds a lot more right. A bunch of sweaty guys and itchy clothes, dancing, rolling around together. Don't not sure how this differs from the modern American military, but all right, continue.

I get it. Just makes me really curious about war looked like back then, but those are literally the only two activities at lists under their regular training. Wrestling and dancing. It's like the WWE, but less essential. And less in homoerotic too, yeah, exactly. So when did they see their first action? Well, I would imagine it was right after

the wrestling and the dancing, or God, maybe even during, right? Beards intertwined, your laughter turns quiet, and touches turn more gentle. Hey, man, how do you put on your olive oil? your laughter turns quiet and touches turn more gentle. Hey, man, how do you put on your olive oil? Just serious for work. Just serious. I was talking about their first military action.

I wasn't. No, continue. Two votes. Somebody answered the question. All right. So the Zagreband first went out to battle in 378 BCE at the beginning of the Boation War.

Now the wiki says it was during quote, the famous standoff between the Athenian mercenary commander Chabrius and the Spartan king, a gels class. Nope. We're the cake of us. It's like me trying to use the letters. Use the letters in the nose. Yes. It's Agiosaurus.

Thank you very much. Agilis Louse. Agilis Louse. Agilis Louse. Anyways, I think the Wikipedia is overestimating how famous Athenian standoffs are. How do you know all the other words? They're not like a Mexican stat of actually, but the projectiles are a jacketlet. So it's different.

Okay. So a family argument of Thanksgiving. Am I right? Guys. Guys. No. Just me. All right.

And well, they told me it was crazy. It's lumpy. Why is it lumpy? So the Spartan forces were held up for a couple of days by Thebian forces quote, manning the earthen stockades at the perimeter end quote, which I think means butt stuff, but we don't know. I can see how a bunch of Thebians gay fucking would at least slow you down to look, right? It's like a car crash, but it's probably not that. It was probably some boring army thing. I didn't click it. I know it's now on. I'm going to call it a no four play

manning the perimeter. That's perfect. That is good. I'm going to keep calling it awkward begging. Make it, make it simpler. All right. But you know what? I'm going to go the other way. I'm going to start calling manningning the perimeter anal for play. I bet my idea ends in more exciting misunderstandings than two in the next week and we'll follow up to see how that worked out. So eventually the Spartans breached the fortifications again, possible but thing possible not article wasn't clear. So then they start torching the Theban fields. Now they could have retreated into the protective walls of thebes, but even though they were outnumbered, they decided to stand and fight or dance back. Whatever it was, it was when he's confusing and there's lots of green words that are hard for us.

Yeah, it's best if you just stay still and they back up into you, that's really easy. So because maybe this is my time. All right. Just a bunch of dudes twerk fighting, jabbing their asses together at each other. I'm beloved, no, I'm beloved, I said love it. How old are you? So Gorgoness arrayed his forces along the crest of a low hill with the sacred band at the front.

Wait, the crest of the, there's a male clip. Is there a sign that a male clip? Yeah, it's called the dick. It is called the dick. So the Spartan commander advanced hoping to force them into advancing the lower ground, but they just expertly stood around. Like the wiki makes a big deal about how good they were at just standing there not advancing.

And the ones that as the Spartans were like, so impressed with the theme and ability to stand there not doing any military stuff that they just side to leave. But I have a theory, I have a theory. Of course you do. As you know, I think this is a translation problem as you know the Greek word for stand is stasi and the Greek word for parade is

Paralasi So you think that's right first ever gay pride parade And you see the gay pride parade those things are fucking terrifying, right? You got a float about pig parties right behind a pee flag group, which is behind a lesbian marching band. Spartans wouldn't know what to think. That sounds awesome. Heath.

Yeah, Tom. We just quit the show together, man. Yeah, sure can, buddy. Sure can. Just you and me. I call beloved bottom. You're older. That's a rule.

We're always going to be the bottom. Okay, I mean, like, for being honest, I really wouldn't know what ages we were. Yeah. Sure. All right, well, the fascinating theory, Eli, but would you mind getting back to the article? I mean, I do mind, but I will.

So I'm not sure if you count that as a win, exactly, but it's definitely not a loss. And as near as I can tell, that's the only use Gorgonoss ever got out of his band of gay lovers. Yeah, okay. If you completely discount the spank bank deposit, he made creating it. Sure. Fair. Fair. So it says that he disappeared from history between 377 and 375. And from then on, the guy in charge is a dude named Peloponus. Okay. So do they ever actually do military stuff other than and 375 and from then on the guy in charge is a dude named Peloponus. Okay, so do they ever actually do military stuff other than

dressing up and standing in line? Oh yeah, this was in the year 375 BCE in the Battle of Taigra near the city of Forchimonus. Forchimonus. Yeah, it's called the a subject with which you were so familiar linguistically Eli, would you like to maybe take a break and look up some pronunciations? No. But I will take a break and I will mispronounce more stuff after the skits.

Okay, well, if that's all I'm gonna get, we'll cue the music and offer up a little apropos of nothing. Hey, podcast listener, do you love citation needed? Do you want to see the game live on stage? Tom, what are you doing? I'm doing the announcer voice. No, I'm doing the announcer voice. Well then, don't miss Citation Needed.

Live August 11th, at the Victoria Biprof Theater in Chicago. And don't forget to check out our Platinum Night. Where you can have dinner with the guys and- Now watch it never to be recorded episode of Citation Needed. Just for you. Citation Needed live at Chicago. Tickets to the show no- Don't miss it.

Or I'll stab you in the butthole. Wait, I'm sorry, what? Stab you in the butthole? I wanted to go last. He was at Samba announcer voice. And now you have. Okay, man. I am Gorgi Desen you are my elite fighting force We will train harder than any army ever have

Yes We will fight harder than any army ever have. And we will fuck each other. Yeah. What? Huh? Sorry. Chris or what? We will train harder than any. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, the last with the one where we, did you say we fuck each other in the before and before that? Yeah, I mean, men have needs. There's no point in pretending we don't. Yeah, I mean men have needs and there's no point pretending we don't Right, but what if we're straight sir? Straight yeah like

We're sexually attracted to women Why would you be attracted to women? They can't fight Fight back. Okay gross. It's really just something you're born with just you know being know, being hetero sometimes that's something. Like do you plan on assigning who's atop because I really feel like I'm forming the most elite fighting forces lands have ever seen. And if where you lay your head at the end of the day is going to be your main concern, you So are you with me? Well, I for one, love the system. See, this guy's a team player. We could do teams. I'm okay with that. And we're back.

I'm sure that skit was crazy. Tastesful. Anyway, when we last left off, Eli was about to tell us about the sacred bands first entry in the W column. More like the B column. So, Thebes is still fighting with the Spartans at this point. And Palopitas, the new leader of the sacred band, here's a rumor the Spartan garrison in Orca Menus has left for some campaign. So he decides that while the city is undefended, he'll sneak in there and take it. Okay, not sure how they handled it back then, but now you need to get enthusiastic positive consent.

Right. Right. Okay, but Polopidos was commander in chief. So I feel like it's different. Different from rules. Different from rules entirely. Yeah, problem today. Yeah.

Right. Not true. Yeah. Okay, different rules. Different entirely. Yeah, problem today. Right, not, not true. Yeah. Okay, moving on. Right. So he gathers up the sacred band and a small cavalry contingent and heads west, or whichever direction it was. I don't know.

I wanted him to head in a direction. Anyways, they set out to take the city. Do gay guys sneak into the back door? I feel like that sort of stuff is pretty much expected. You know what I mean? I'm not sure anyone's ever Successfully snuck in I guess that's true, but if you do wear a Trojan horse Actually the original Trojan horse trick was a failure. They built two Nesting horses, but they rubbed against each other really hard and they

Don't wear condoms so I don't get the joke. So when they were, you shouldn't wear condoms. It's a stupid thing. So when they were sitting, it turns out that yes, the garish should always be wearing economy like you should always be covered. I don't wear condoms. I don't wear condoms. You should wear one on each finger.

They're always sticky. It's gross. I don't want to get into it. Anyways, so the garrison that was there had left, but before they did, a different garrison had showed up. So, Palupinus decided to check it out and go home. I'm sorry, wasn't this supposed to be the story of their first victory?

I'm getting there, eventually, yes. So, they're headed back to Thebes, and they get about as far as the shrine of Apollo of Tigra. And when they get there, they just happen to run into the Spartan garrison that left or come menus in the first place. Now, the Spartan forces outnumbered them more than two to one.

According to Plutarch, one Thiefen tells Palopolis at this point, we are folded into our enemy's hands. And Palopolis is supposed to have said, and why not they into ours? Which is, that's awesome. Probably didn't ever happen. And if it did, that's even probably answered backly because they outnumber us more than two to one

and all we ever did was stand at ease really good ones at being a movie intentionally obtuse in this conversation. But it sounds bad, I said sounds bad. So I think it's true. Well, if it was their first time embedding, they weren't completely at ease. They probably timed up a little. He said, it's going to be practice small though before trying to take a two on one.

Yeah, that's right. Okay. Okay. Another serious question. Like I really want to know, in terms of etiquette, if you've got two tops going on one bottom and one guy finishes early, does he, does he stay in there all soft and just get squished around or do you like, you're loud, you throw him a finger like, what do you do? You don't return with the same question of mismanners like five times.

I never do I get an answer. Never. I'm just going to point out he doesn't return any of my texts, but this he wants to talk about on air. What? Answer the question. Sengeviral videos. So, the book is Pax's forces in an unusually dense formation

with hopes of breaking through the lines of the larger force. And if there's one thing gay armies can do, it's pacident. So, the cavalry rode in from the rear, another specialty of theirs, and by chance, they took. So the cavalry wrote in from the rear, another specialty of theirs, and by chance, they took out the Spartan leader in the first charge, which is weird because in my experience, a Trojan is way more likely to break. You know, I leave Trojada this. They were just in DuBucacchi, the face that launched a thousand drips. Oh, remember that. So it's because of the beard, it's because of the beard.

That's my address. Yeah. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off.

It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off.

It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. It's like when a dog shakes off. Now at this point it looks to the Spartans like they're just gonna cut through the Spartan lines and escape without taking too much damage. Trying to avoid a Fisher in the line makes sense. And that actually is what Polopidus was planning to do, but he was an opportunist. And when he saw that the enemy was into Saray and was basically just letting them through, he took the opportunity to flank them. The Spartan Garrison was routed and according to most of the sources, this was actually the first time a Spartan army was ever

defeated in a pitched battle. Awesome. All right. Any other claims to fame for them? Well, their most famous battle was the Battle of Lukstra. This came a few years later after an on-again off-again piece with Sparta was off-again. So on the theme inside, you got the Sacred Band under Polopetus, another was off again. So on the Theban side, you got the Sacred Band under Polopetus, another 5500 Hoplites, 1500 Light Inventory, and about a thousand cavalry. The Spartan army that's marching against them is quite a bit bigger. They've got about the same Light Inventory and Cavalry, but their Hoplites outnumber the Thebans by almost two to one. I'm just a lot of emphasis here on size. I don't like it. I just feel all on the table.

Exactly. Exactly. As they showed in the last fight, you just need enough depth to penetrate I'm just a lot of emphasis here on size. I don't like it. I just feel like I'm making a name. Right, exactly. Exactly. As they showed in the last fight, you just need enough depth to penetrate the law. Yeah, yeah. Right. And lots of the time you can have some success with girth and flanking from different angles.

You can get horses involved. It's not just a sauce. So the Spartan Army is under the command of a guy named Clem Brodus and I had a whole thing description of what he looked like and how he was dressed and How oily he was but But apparently porn hub and Zack Snyder's imagination aren't valid historical sources So I'll just leave all that out because no one deleted it. I don't want to get into it So I'll just leave all that out because Noah deleted it. I don't want to get into it. So he leads his army across the Boatah and penetrated deeper and deeper into Theban territory

until they reach the village of Luktra. Yeah. At which point he paused the check in a little because he was a gentleman. Exactly. So at Leuksha, they come across the Thibin army which is under the command of a guy whose name is Apaminados I think it's Apaminados No Epiminus of course he recognizes so that guy

He recognizes these outnumber and he knows that the Spartan armies generally try to flank enemies with their right wing. Just weird because the left is usually a little bigger so surprising. Exactly. Right. So he sets up a weird formation where his left flank is 50 people deep and the rest of his line is between four and eight. Now nobody can seem to agree where the sacred band fits into this formation but all the sources agree they were pivotal.

Yeah, and the Sacred Band fit right around the base. So the failings stay direct. That's smart. That's smart. Okay, I thought we said it was at the crest of the small hill under the hood. This is why these conflicts never finish. We all need to agree where everything is. We need a map.

We need a map. All right, you know what? Enough with the four play here. Let's get to the engagement. All right. So know what? Thank you. Enough with the four of play here. Let's get to the engagement. All right, so the battle starts with a cavalry charge on both sides and the Thebans win that pretty decisively. So the Spartans pull back, but retreating guys on horses, they kind of have a tendency

to fuck up your heavy injury lines. And because of all the chaos that ensued from that, the Spartans didn't realize that apoditimus or whatever the fuck his name is has sent his chest pieces up so weird. This is Bishops smells funny, that's all I'm saying. If you think that Bishops smells funny, don't sniff the altar boy. That's a general rule, don't sniff the altar boy. Don't ask, don't smell.

That's the enthusiastic consent. Yeah, fun fact, that was originally the catchphrase for Tom Snackcake, don't sniff the altar boy altar white was the whole thing. Anyways, so while things are disorderly among the enemy lines, the Thebes start to advance diagonally with their unusually engorged left wing moving forward. First, in fact, the guys on the far right side were actually

retreating a bit to exaggerate the diagonal. Apparently, this is a military formation called the oblique order, and this is the first time it was used in recorded history. All these guys on their grinder profiles exaggerating the diagonal. So just why you gotta bring a protractor to your day. Yeah, I like to bring an abacus. My tender profile, it says must love beads.

Sorry. People keep asking me weird stuff about not math. I got to like that's fair. So as predicted, the Spartans spread out their right wing to try to flank the Thief and Forces, but Polopetus, acting under his own initiative, maneuvered the sacred band around to intercept the Spartans and cut them off. The right wing of the Spartans was quickly overwhelmed and more than 1,000 hop lights died before they were treated. Bad call. They should have retreated then died order of operations problem. So possonious would later call it the most decisive battle ever fought by Greeks against Greeks. So remember, anyone ever asks, the stars of Zack Snyder's

racist misogynist repressed wet dream were defeated by actual gay dudes just remember that actual 301 or whatever that sequel was. So was the was the sacred band itself ever defeated? Yes. So eventually Philip II of Macedon came around with his son Alexander the Great and whipped their asses in the battle of Cherenoya. But before he got assassinated and his kid took over Persia and then like the rest of the world,

that campaign culminated in a huge battle between Macedonia and an alliance of Greek city states led by Athens and Thebes with over 30,000 men on each side. The Wikipedia article was not specific about how many of those men were fucking each other until I edited it. So, if you ever think.

Honestly, it seems like the whole couple's army thing is a bad idea regardless of gender orientation. Just just a whole bunch of weird passive aggressive fights before the battle even starts. It's my own business. I'm pretty happy about fuck wrestling that Spartan the other day. I'm gonna pretend you. It's my own. It's been pretty happy about fuck wrestling that Spartan the other day. Didn't you?

It's for work. Oh, there it is. Was it good? Just like your mother. It was different. It was different. Now, as bad as as the Sacred Band was, by now the Macedonians were using a novel type of fowlings called the long-spirred Macedonian fowlings.

And apparently, the Sacred Band just like couldn't handle it. Yeah, until they invented the astro-glide formation. Exactly. That helped. Exactly. So the battle was an overwhelming defeat and the sacred band never surrendered. And according to Plutarch, all 300 of them died beside their commander. After they fell, the Thebans erected a giant statue of a lion near the village of Cherenioia

over the tomb of the dead soldiers. After they fell, the Thebans erected a giant statue of a lion near a village nearby over the tomb of the dead soldier. In 1818, a British architect and amateur archaeologist named George Leadwell Taylor, thank you George Taylor! Fuck! A name! Anyways, that guy spent to summer in Greece and using Posandius' descriptions managed

to find the lion statue. Later excavations in the area uncovered the skeletons of 254 men laid out in seven rows, and historians are pretty sure that those are the actual remains of the sacred band. I'll stack down the top of each other for thousands of years, not just like they wanted it. All right. So if you had to summarize with the important a single sentence, Eli, what would it be? If Mike Pence is ever president, I know who to call. All right. Are you ready for the quiz?

Ready and willing. All right. Eli, I'm going reverse today like jeopardy style. So the answer is Cocktaper scissors. Name that question. A, what's a fun game that's way more

interesting than the original. B, what's the best way for gay and lesbian soldiers to decide who gets top and bottom when they're the same age? See what's the title of Lorraine a Bobbit sex tape. What's a great reason to be ambidextrous in kindergarten? Jesus what? It's got to go with the Lorraine a Bobbit joke. That is just topical. Thank you. Not fire. It's all right, Eli. The tradition of gay fighting forces continues to this day under what name? A, Otter team six.

B, 186, raging reacharounds. Nice. C, the Queen Beret is, or D, the Air Force. That's probably it. I'm going to go with the Air Force. All right. Well, if you guys liked that joke, you're going to love the same joke when I tell it. All right. The sacred band of thieves all died, but they lived on in spirit.

What were their antecedents known as? A, the long pulled pork pirates. B, the great Gerk and Gerkercas, see the ballroom berserkers or D the U S Navy. It's the Navy. It's definitely the Navy. We worked it up before. I just had to get you a diesel.

It's the same joke man. It's the same joke. I'll say what, Tom, your joke was so much better than everybody else's joke that you win. You win the washer dryer combo, the steak and shake gift certificate. Also, you get to take over as the host next week and decide who does all the work. All right. Well, I will pick the man who is my guiding light because he has the same height as the

typical lighthouse. That would be heath. We're going, we're going. All right. I'm tall. The best part is he doesn't listen to the skater. I know he doesn't. What? Awesome. Awesome. I'm known for being tall. It's fantastic. It's my defining characteristic. I'm excited about that. All right. Well, while he gets excited, we'll toss it over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer and this week's Twitter question. Thanks, Noah.

Last week's question was, what would be the best invention to get killed by? The answer comes from Frosty Man on Twitter with this. Death by Suicide Booth. Not sure if the invention worked, but one satisfied customer already. This week's question is, what should the sacred band of thieves motto be? Just retweet or face book share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's

winner. Back to you Noah. Alright, well for Cecil Eli Heath and Tom, I'm Noah, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then, he will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can soak up more glorious us on cognitive dissonance, the skating atheist, God off of movies in the skeptic rats.

Hosts may vary. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod, or leave us five star review anywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out CitationPod.com. You are so tense right now.

My shoulders are fine. No, they're not, they're tense.