Citation Needed - The USS William D Porter

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

USS William D. Porter (DD-579), a Fletcher-class destroyer, was a ship of the United States Navy named for Commodore William D. Porter (1808–1864). William D. Porter was laid down on 7 May 1942 at Orange, Texas, United States, by the Consolidated Steel Corporation; launched on 27 September 1942, sponsored by Miss Mary Elizabeth Reeder; and commissioned on 6 July 1943, Lieutenant Commander Wilfred A. Walter in command.[2] The ship is predominantly remembered today for the string of extremely unfortunate events that plagued her short three-year career during World War II. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

That's the misreading everyone does of Spanels. He's not rejecting new criticism. He's arguing that it can be more broadly applied. Yeah, I feel like there's a backtrack from deconstructionism, though. Well, not according to him, it doesn't. I feel like we should stick with TV shows and movies, guys. Okay, now listen carefully. We're going to go back now, back. Your back or my back? We're facing the same direction. Well, not now, I turned around to look at you.

So, guys, what is the car doing in the middle of the studio? No, no, no, no, no, don't tell me. This week's episode's about the USS William D. Porter so you smash the car into the studio because every week, Eli has to destroy the studio in some way. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, again, I get it's the, it's the medic, it's the laugh to start the show. But every week I have to buy new mics and equipment.

I have to stop bringing my personal stuff in to work, because it gets destroyed once a week, man. Yep, it's regular, yes, but Cecil, what? What? What do you want? We didn't do this on purpose Like you didn't no no Eli was just trying to actually parallel park a car. Oh, yeah, that track makes total sense now actually more sense, alright fine. We'll Back it up, I guess which back oh my god Oh my God! Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now.

I'm knowing I'm going to be anchoring the show this week but to do that I'll need some other folks. First up, the rudder of the show because he gives us all direction and the show's main mast because he's tall Cecil and you just want me in the back of the book because I'm waiting most of the steer well. So okay, so I am not the ballast that's official on the fucking man's great. And also joining us tonight are not nothing I'm tall. I love this upgraded adjectives. And also joining us tonight are two men who are fighting over who got to be Cox and way before they knew what it meant. Eli and Tom, do you want me to sign you up for it?

Grindr is a prank because they will love you on their teedog. No, it's fun. For the last time, Eli, no. And take down that fat life account you made for me too. I'm not even sure what yard stuff is, but I'm not into it. I'm waking up with very upsetting statuary all over the lawn.

All right. And before we get going, of course, we want to take a second to thank our patrons because without them, we wouldn't even have a second to thank our patrons. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show and without out of the way, tell us, Heath, what person placed in Kaza phenomenon or event? What would we be talking about today? We're going to be talking about the epic failure

of the USS William D. Porter. All right, so what was the USS William D. Porter? The William D. Porter was a ship in the United States Navy during World War II that did everything wrong. From day one of its first mission, everything the Navy tried to do with this ship was a tragic force of slapstick failure. Now, I'm not saying I believe in the existence of magical Nazi prankster demons, but a magical Nazi prankster demon clearly put an evil hex on this.

It's like the concept of the Eli's driving was a Navy ship somehow. We won the war despite the USS William D. Porter. Okay. I'll have you know that some people find the William D. Porter, the adorable heart of the US Navy and not the least attractive ship. Okay. Okay. Cutly ship.

The story of the William D. Porter, the mortal love ship. That is deadbunch. Exactly. Okay. So the story of the William D. Porter, also known as the Willie D, begins in 1942 in Orange, Texas, where it was built. The first launch was on September 27th, and it was sponsored by Mary Elizabeth Reader. I guess we had private sponsorship for boats back then or for launching

boats or something. I don't know much about history. I'm pretty sure the Navy had a boats budget, though. Did the Navy not have a boats budget? How surprised are you now that it doesn't just have like tied along the side of all of our best. So the Willie D was a Fletcher class destroyer, which means some boat thing about how it replaced the summer's class and the Porter class, which were stupid fucking boat classes and they made the Fletcher and said, but they named it Porter, which feels like a mistake and maybe part of the curse because it's the name of the shitty class that it was a new. So apparently the Fletchers were super good at all the different

Navy stuff, including anti submarine, anti aircraft and also regular boat on boat fighting. They were so good that after the war, we actually sold a bunch of these fletters to Italy, Germany, and Japan. It's so good. I feel like maybe we put an exhaust port that was barely two meters wide on the front. In terms of the weaponry, the Willie D had torpedoes with 500 pound warheads. They had a battery of AAA anti aircraft guns and a battery of dual purpose five inch 38 caliber shell guns and Cecil before he asked they can actually move the angles all around on the shell guns. Oh, Jesus. 45 degrees. It's definitely one of the options, but they use all the other ones, a bunch of the other ones too anyway. A bunch of other

angles. Yeah, this call back to Asgenc court is so protracted. Just let me. See, I mean, come on, man. It's a cute gang, but it feels a little obtuse. Okay. Boo. Oh, you followed up protracted with that. Okay. Okay. Moving on. Fun fact. Fun fact about the angles. The use of different angles is actually what dual purpose means in the title of that gun. The single purpose version was set at 35 degrees for land and water targets only, but these dual purpose ones could go up to 85 degrees for shooting at flying targets. Yeah. The 90 degree gun's super unpopular. So flying targets. Yeah, the 90 degree gun super unpopular. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Going back to up in there behind it works, but yeah. I'm glad that we had a gun where you don't have to ask the enemy to scooch back. Yeah. We're doing that for a while and they're really. Yeah. So we got ones to move. So the Willie D gets commissioned in July of 1943. and their first mission is set to begin on November 12th. They were assigned to leave from Norfolk, Virginia and be part of the convoy that would accompany the USS Iowa on a voyage to North Africa. And this is important. The Iowa was secretly carrying President Roosevelt, who was on his way to the Cairo conference to

meet with Winston Churchill and Shank Ashek. And then the Doron conference with Churchill and Joseph Stalin. It feels like an air force type of job to me instead of the Navy to make that happen. But apparently FDR wanted to sail through the Atlantic Ocean at this moment, which was full of Nazi submarines. Can't imagine why I get any one to he wanted to get a sea Lex. Okay. Wow. Super mean. Super mean. The first in charge of the Willie D was the tenant commander Wilfred

A. Walter. And of course, he wanted to make a good first impression. Yeah. Because he blown it as the mayor of who fell run for a day. What? The Grinch thing. Yeah. Was his name is silly. It's a silly. It's a sushi and name. It's a silly name.

Wilford Walter sounds like Dr. So, okay. So Wilford A. Walter, he's on the fast track. I'm doing live. No, some jokes. Yeah. Four. Jesus Christ. He lies comedy. He's comedy balance sometimes. It's really exhausting. You got to point it out. We should do a show with

friends. That's the problem. The jokes take too long to reach heat up there. Classic. So Wilfred A. Walter, as I was saying, he's on the, please don't interrupt. If you, if you unless he has something good. So Wilford A. Walter, he's on the fast track with his Navy career. He's recently promoted and being part of the escort for President Roosevelt was a big honor. So the night before they left for Africa, he told his crew to make sure they paid attention to every little detail and the demolish ship right next to him. Not even day one.

This is day zero. Night before. What? Somehow during a really bad parallel parking moment, these anchor got caught on this other ship's railing and just tore the shit out of everything. The only damage to the Willie D was a scratched anchor, but the other ship was mangled. Look, it's just, it'll buff out. We don't have to go through the insurance. I got, I got a hundred bucks right now and you're sinking. Feels like you left the scene.

Also a side note, this was the first of several spots on Wikipedia where an extremely bitter edit war is happening on this topic. Somebody who very clearly worked on the crew for the Willie D probably in the parking and anchor safety department that they have. This guy is furious about all the embarrassing stories and he keeps trying to ask for citations and also add his own stuff to the article. Usually this takes the form of a link to the ship's log of the Porter and a really angry claim that there's nothing written in the diary about me fucking

up that other boat with the anchor that didn't happen in the diary. In this particular spot, it says William D. Porter was moored between the young and the Cogswell. And none of the three ships reported giving or receiving damage to one another in their war diaries during the first half of November of 1943. That's an exact code, which sounds like a really specific claim that's maybe technically true, but also that guy definitely fucked up the younger the Cogswell with his anchor on November 11th. And they didn't write it down until the 16th or later or they didn't write it down in the war diary because they were

still in Norfolk, Virginia. So they didn't even start it. Or because it was I fucked up the other boat trying to park mine or the diary sank because they're all in. Was that in the sinking diary? No. If it doesn't happen in the champagne region of France, it's just all incompetent. Was that in a sinking diary? No. If it doesn't happen in the champagne region of France, it's just sparkling incompetence. All right. So that brings

us today one. And it's been zero days since the last workplace accident. The border meets up with the Iowa and the rest of the convoy and they're heading across the Atlantic. And again, it's full of German U-boats, so they're all under strict orders to maintain complete radio silence. And they're told to make sure they don't do anything that could get detected by the enemy. And at this point, it's been about 24 hours since the anchor smashing thing. So somebody's flipping the workplace accident counter from zero to one.

And then there's a giant explosion under the convoy. So they all start doing anti-submarine maneuvers. And they're not supposed to be on the radio. So they just keep doing the serpentine or whatever they do for a while until someone from the willy-d finally gets on the radio and admits that, okay, one of our depth charges fell off the back of the ship and then it blew up because I forgot to flip on the safety thing. She's just crushed. What?

Just some sailor on the back of the boat doing depth charge quick draw stuff in a mirror. Yeah, okay, I get that it exploded because they didn't have a safety on fine. But I shouldn't have barrels of high explosives be tied down? They should. Or so, did they run out of bungee cord funds? Were they not independently sponsored? The bungee cord. Get a lady from fucking Texas to buy you a cord. Come on. So easy. All right. We also got some more edit war at this point. Someone wrote ship slugs from William D. Porter and Iowa did not mention a lost depth charge nor a U boat search on November 13. Again, it feels like the same guy run in the same play. That happened. Anyway, moving on to day two. And it's been zero days since the last

workplace. That's it. Yeah. The convoy is sailing along. No problem. And then a freak giant wave somehow hit the Willie D, but none of the other ships in the convoy. I guess they spread out a lot. I was picturing like a lazy river party with like floating. Apparently, that's not how they do it. So the giant wave completely strips away everything on the deck of the Willie D that wasn't lash down. And according to Naval historian Kit Bonner, but not according to the weirdly defensive

guy on Wikipedia from the parking department of the Willie D. According to Kit Bonner, one sailor got washed overboard at this point and never found the ship's log says nothing about Steve's last words being gosh, I wish we were better at boats. So fuck you. You know, kid boners. So as this is all happening, Captain Walter has to make a report to the USS Iowa about once an hour to explain whatever stupid thing they did most recently with the president of the United States, very possibly listening to this. Just a reminder, the ideal amount of radio talk would be zero at this point because of you boats. So now Captain Walter's on the radio

explaining about the freak wave and the lost sailor when one of his crew from the background yells to him, Captain, one of our boilers just broke. So he's like, I got, I got to call you back. I'm, I promise I'm not a Nazi spy. I promise I'm not click. So he hangs up. They did eventually get the boiler working again, but they spent the next several hours falling out of formation with the convoy, like idiots until it was finally fixed. During which time, Captain Walter had to call back the USS Iowa several times and explain to the commander there and the president of the United States why they were falling out of formation like idiots and not protecting the president of the United States. It's like if my first car went to war.

Sorry Mr. President, this is my second of commands. It does balls in his flying. Yes sir, he'll wear underwear next time. Yes, sir. Well, he is a commando, sir. So that is way less problematic than everything they ever did. Right. It's that. That's like way smarter than anything they ever did. So that brings us to day three. And it's bit. Well, they stopped using the counter thing. It's, it's done. Right. It would have said zero depressing it. It would have said zero. Yeah. The Convoy is just East of Bermuda. And President Roosevelt tells the captain of the US, S.I.O.A.

that he wants to see a demo of how the ship would defend against an air attack. So they launch a bunch of weather balloons to use as targets to show off their anti-aircraft guns. Oh, God. This is every fucking dog and pony show for the big boss touring the facility ever, except that like if the competition hears you, they send an underwater missile into the tin can you float on and you simultaneously burn and drown at the same time. Sure is. That is the situation. Correct. And this actually went off without a hitch. Of course, is. That is the situation. Correct.

And this actually went off without a hitch. Of course, I'm talking about the USS Iowa, not the Willie D at this moment. So the prankster demon hacks doesn't really have jurisdiction, I guess. So the USS Iowa floats the balloons and the Iowa shoots off some cool firepower. And FDR is duly impressed. And luckily for the Iowa, so is the chief of naval operations, Admiral Ernest J. King, who's also on board. And according to, again, Naval historian, Kit Bonner, Admiral King is a giant, terrifying human being who you do not want to make angry.

Bonner also added exact quote, up to this time, no one knew what firing a torpedo at Admiral King would mean. End quote. Alright, well my money is on, he would blow the fuck up, but I guess we're gonna have to wait to find out after a bo of nothing. Captain Walter, forgive me if I don't get up. I totally couldn't. Of course you could, sir. Welcome to the William D. Porter. Here you'll find the finest shit that I'm making. You told me to weigh the anchor and I got... oh I got confused so you know it's not anymore. Uh it's not what? Yeah it's just it's not.

Okay um first mate Johnson this is the president. Oh hey uh hi yeah I already can't walk. Oh I totally can't I can absolutely walk if I wanted to Easy easy I am going easy You're not you're going super fast. You can be careful going Fuck what what what exactly was that just testing the depth charges there nothing to worry about Sorry captain you took too long getting back to me and that anchor thing. Now the boiler is broken.

I just real. What do you mean, go? It's not that deep. Captain. Yes. Mr. President, do you tell everybody I walked around? I won't tell anyone about your boat. Fucking deal, Mr. President.

Did you, either of you guys know how to fix a boiler? I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, And we're back when we last left up. McGiver was telling Captain Walter there were enough paper clips and rubber bands in the fucking world. So what happens next, he's okay. So the Iowa is shooting down the weather balloons and FDRs doing clappy claps like little kiddies loving it. They're really deep. It's horrible. Captain Walter wants to get in on the action.

If they do one single thing without a tragic accident, maybe it'll break the curse. And a few of the weather balloons were drifting over near the Willie D. So he tells the gunner team to show off their stuff too. Now, I know it seems like they're going to shoot FDR in the face somehow or something like that. But no, they actually succeeded here. They popped a few balloons with anti aircraft guns. I'm pretty sure that's the high point of the Willie Ds career right now. Still, I feel like there should be way more steps to firing anti aircraft guns than, oh, I want to try. There are not. So that balloon popping high point was followed immediately by the low point for the William D. Porter.

And spoiler, they ended up getting sunk during a battle in 1925, but this is worse. This is worse. The convoy decided to run a few more drills after the anti aircraft demo. And that included some practice shots with the torpedoes from the Willie D. Good question. No, great question. What is the correct question here? torpedoes from the wheelie D. Good question. No, great question. What is the correct question here?

I am not sure what that means. Practice torpedoes or what that would really accomplish. And I can definitely imagine a pretty big downside, but it's underwater. Just tell the president, yeah, man, we just knocked that torpedo the fuck out. You can walk over to the edge and see it if you want. No, okay. Well trust us. That is what the Naval historian said they did here, torpedo practice.

The plan is to have the Willie D do, I don't know, like a mime of shooting torpedoes. Yeah, like, you grab a torpedo and you come at me like this, like this over. Listen to your elbow. Maybe you pick somebody who hasn't had three accidents in 36 hours for these shooting at the president. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah. A little fun fact. When I was 18, my best friend practiced shooting a BB gun at my practice face. And now my practice left eye doesn't work right. Let's see how this goes. He does your left eye really not work. Yeah, it's a real story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. BB guns. Okay. So the Iowa is about 6,000 yards away at this point. And the torpedo crew on the Willie D gets ready to run the drill.

Lawton Dawson and Tony Fazio, those are the names of the sailors in charge of the torpedo stuff. Those are the torpedo men. And during an actual combat situation, that would mean they'd be making sure each torpedo has the primer installed and get ready to fire. The primer is a small explosive charge that makes the torpedo firing actually happen. And during a drill, which again, this is a drill here during a drill, Dawson and Fazio would remove the primers for this drill. They plan on shooting four practice torpedoes. So Dawson went down to tubes one two three and four. And he removed the primers from tubes one two and four. And he gave a big thumbs up. Uh, yep. Uh, is the correct comment there. Then the torpedo officer started the simulation and said fire one, fire two, fire three, and he did not end up saying fire four because after fire three, everyone heard a big wishing noise

that they all recognized as definitely the sound of a fully armed torpedo with a 500 pound warhead getting launched at a boat carrying the president of the United States during a world war against the empire of Nazis. Jesus. There's no way that everyone on this boat wasn't a Nazi spy, right? Clumsy and unsuddle Nazi spies, but like somehow they all got assigned to the same boat. Really bad Nazi spies. Yes, that makes so much more got assigned to the same boat. Really bad. Not see spies. Yes, that makes so much more sense than whatever the actual stories. So here's the account of what happened from Lieutenant H. Seward Lewis, who is a crew member on the Willie D. He sees the fully armed torpedo with the four head hit the water and start heading

straight for the Iowa. So he walks over to Captain Walter and he says, Hey, Captain, did you give permission to fire a real torpedo just now at the USS Iowa? To which the captain responded exact quote, hell no, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, that is And the next five minutes were the Willie D who was complete pandemonium according to this officer Lewis. They were running around and shouting conflicting instructions about what the fuck do we do now? I'm not sure why there's so much running. But right. Yeah. That's what the guy said and he was there.

Okay. But what about the captain's locked in it, reporting how much shit was in their pants? Because there was a gun. There was none. Shit. Locked up. Yeah. This whole boat is full of cartoon bears. There was none. It's a shit. Laws shut up.

Yeah. This whole boat is full of cartoon bears. Everybody has a car to bear. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Still look down. They all stop running their heads, click together back up. Yeah. So an accidental torpedo, that's already problematic. But when there's an order of radio silence,

it gets even worse. So without radio communication, somebody on the Willie D is like, all right, I'm going to try a flashing light signal to warn the Iowa that they need to turn starboard immediately. But he did the signal wrong and he indicated port instead of starboard here. And then the guy on the other ship shouting, my port or your port. No, I get it. You can't break radio silence or somebody might shoot a torpedo away. This whole sequence though just makes me realize how comically slow motion naval torpedoes

must be. It has been minutes, like minutes, it seems like a good swimmer with a pair of wire cutters could catch up to this thing and just snip the what? Yeah, it feels very slow. 6,000 yards, that's like five and a half kilometers. But, yeah, super, super slow. It feels like you could trick it if you were just like on a buoy with a red cape. Just paint a black hole in the ocean. It goes right through it. So best case scenario at this moment, the Iowa just ignored the stupid flashy light thing

with the wrong word. Worst case, they're actively turning broadside into a direct hit from the torpedo. Either way, light flashy guy, he's in another shot here. But as we already know, he's pretty bad at light flashy language. One guy, his second attempt said, we're going in reverse at full speed. Wait, fuck you go in reverse at full speed. I'm saying, I'm saying you should do that. Fuck, I'm bad at this.

Do you have anyone good at flashlight stuff? This is super hard crying. Our end. Guys, quick. What's flashlight for asterisk? Why do you edit your flashlights? They could. It's 120. So I'm assuming an officer on the Willie D through light flashy guy overboard at this

point. Just side tackle them and through a mobile board and decided they should very obviously just use the fucking radio. So the radio operator on the Willie D gets on the lion and yells, lion, lion come to write, lion is the code word for the Iowa. And the operator on the Iowa was

apparently a really big stickler for the rules. So he gets on the radio and he says, excuse me, but we're not supposed to be on the radio. Right. Actually, well, actually, yeah, actually, actually, the guy and he's like, please identify yourself before we move on. And after a few pleasantries like that and a positive ID, the guy on the Iowa finally listens

and the Iowa starts reversing away from the torpedoes path. She says, I feel like you mean lie and come to write, please. I'm sick word. Meanwhile during all this high drama, the torpedo had stopped for a light snack. It's like, I'm on my 15. I'm getting there. I get there. Well, the torpedo was working for the union. So that's true.

So while that's all happening, word of the incoming torpedo gets to President Roosevelt on the bridge of the ship with USS Iowa. And apparently he was more curious than anything else. He had somebody move his wheelchair over by the railing so he could see the torpedo. And this is when FDR's personal secret service bodyguard drew his pistol. What? Not sure what he thought he was going to do there, but he had a gun. He dives in front of the door. When he Houston starts playing in the background, don't worry, sir. This is just in case you can't kick it super hard. So the Iowa is doing avasive maneuvers at this point. I thought it was just a right turn or a hard reverse, but I guess it's that plus more serpentine. You like you juked the torpedo. So they're juking and they're doing spin moves, whatever. And they're also aiming all their guns at the, yeah,

they're even all their guns at the William D. Porter now because they're thinking this actually might be an assassination. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it got really close to some firing there, but they never fired on the porter because moments later, the torpedo detonated just behind them in their wake. The final radio exchange was the Iowa asking, hey, where did that real torpedo come from? And Captain Walter on the porter being like, I, we did it. Promise, promise not to be mad. Of course, promise not to be mad.

You're gonna, you're gonna laugh. It's good to be good. So following the almost killing the president, Captain Walter and his entire crew were placed under arrest and they're sent to Bermuda for a court martial. And when the porter landed in Bermuda, it was surrounded by Marines or perhaps it wasn't if you believe the super angry defensive guy on Wikipedia. It was a group hug. Either way, the offending crew was taken into custody and the Navy did a full investigation. Eventually torpedo man Dawson broke down and admitted that he forgot

that it wasn't take the primer out of one, two, and four. It was actually take the primer out of one, two, three and four. I would have numbers. I forgot it was the, it was all of them. He also admitted that right after the torpedo launched for real, he panicked and he threw the spent primer over the side of the boat to cover his mistake. Now, unfortunately, the active speeding torpedo kind of blew his cover from the start because that doesn't make any sense. He's like, no, I'm sorry.

I haven't seen that primer before in my life. My cousin borrowed my destroyer last week. He could be his. He's just the maybe smud into torpedo private across this top lip. Dawson. Please. Dawson. You speak out.

So the investigation ended. And as a punishment, Captain Walter and a bunch of the crew got super boring assignments that were definitely on shore on land only. And Dawson got 14 years of hard labor, which is apparently a sentence we give in the military sometimes, or at least then. But at this point, President Roosevelt was like, come on. It's total axiom. It's kind of funny. You got to admit so full pardon and he canceled the punishments. Okay. Just to be clear, the Navy guys who got in trouble got sentenced to not have to

die at sea during war time. They're confusing. Yeah. I mean, it seems like a super boring job is actually a cherry gig when the alternative is fighting in a goddamn war. Exactly. Right, World War II, no less aboard the William D. Parker.

I feel like FDR was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, they're getting out of something here. No, no, no, no, I pardon you. And no, you can be in the Navy still. Go enjoy the Battle of Okinawa. Good luck. Yeah. So the William D. Porter has a new captain and a new crew. Of course, the ship itself is still under a Nazi prankster curse, but we spent a bunch

of money on it. And if you just decommission the ship entirely, the Nazi prankster terrorists win. So the Navy sends the Willie D to still exist. They sent them to patrol the Aleutian islands off Alaska, figuring nobody important up there might get exploded by their acme torpedoes were really fine, we just get them out of the way. But within minutes of arriving in Alaska, the Porter somehow managed to fire an artillery shell into the front yard of the commander at their base. What? I'm not sure how you accidentally do all the stuff required to make that happen, but they did. It feels like the crew was just committing

to the bit at this point. Maybe nobody got killed though. And we kept using the ship. Meanwhile at Nazi spy headquarters, guys, I said be chill. Be chill. Definitely not. He spies. Okay. So now it's 1945 and the Willie D, they leave Alaska to join up with a convoy of ships off the coast of Okinawa, Japan. And by this point, the ship is a running joke within the entire Navy. Everybody's heard the stories. When the porter would arrive somewhere, the standard greeting was, don't shoot were Republicans. Um, I, okay, so that's confusing now, but I guess it made more sense in 1945. So the battle of Okinawa is just getting started and the Willie D gets sent into action.

And again, within minutes, they accidentally shot hundreds of rounds into the side of another American ship, the USS. So to be fair, though, you guys didn't say the don't shoot joke. We're used to everybody says the same thing now. Yeah, so I guess everyone had a quick laugh about the classic friendly fire shenanigans and they moved on. And the Willie D actually did a few good things during the next couple of months during the Battle of Okinawa.

But then on June 10th, 1945, the ships, epically failed story came to an end. A Japanese bomber plane made of almost entirely wood and canvas slipped past the Allied defenses. It had pretty much no metal, so it didn't show up on radar. The bomber was full of explosives and headed straight for the Willie D, but it just barely missed and crashed into the water. It didn't explode though, and it sank underneath and everyone was relieved. But apparently, you know, hex, it kind of sank sideways and then exploded directly under the hall of the poor.

So the worst case was about opening the giant hole. The ship went under about three hours later, but everyone on board survived. Okay. You know the captain of the Willie D was standing there on the bow and the plane comes down within inches. And he stands there, he turns to his man, he's like, I didn't know it. I knew he weren't cursed from now on.

Boom. Okay. Life Boats everybody. You guys know the drill. You know the drill. Life Boats. All right. And he that you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would that sentence

be? I think Tom summed it up to torpedoes are comically slow. And this ship was crewed by cartoon bears. I think that is awful. Also World War II torpedoes, as we've discussed on this show before, like there was a like two out of three shot that was just going to stick out of the side of it, like a birthday candle. All right.

So are you ready for the quiz? Ready for the quiz. All right, so are you ready for the quiz? I'm ready for the quiz. All right, Heath, I think we can all agree that the curse of the USS William D. Porter started with the name. What should the ship have been called instead? A, the May fire. B, the, was that like the May flower?

Yeah, because the ship. Yep. B, solid. The bizflower? Yeah. Cause the ship, yep. B solid. The biz the mark. What? Biss mark. The Bismarck. Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very Yes. I'm going to give her some COVID. Sun was in my eyes.

Northern lights were in my eyes. See the, the, you have one more? Yeah, the USS constant shooting. That was good. That was good. That was good. That was good. That was good.

That was good. That was good. That was solid. Constituent. The persevere. D none of the above. All right. He's I feel like the Willie D. Porter would have had better luck with corporate sponsors,

which company's sponsorship would have set a better example. A target. All right. Yeah, it's actually tarjet, but yes, I choose that. Miss pronounced it. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's actually tarjet, but yes, I choose that. Shed mispronounced it. Yeah, all right. All right. All these misfires were later attributed to a sickness on board. What did the military doctors say? It was a firing pin fluenza, whoopsing call TREJECTILE DISFUNCTION or D Look out It's gotta be D look out correct you are correct look out all right

Well, correct you're not look out certainly wins especially when it's going up against the biz the mark He's you get to choose the essayist Okay, it's gonna be Noah and Eli you tried that's all All right well for Tom Cecil Heath and notorious trier Eli for Tom Cecil Heath and notorious Trier Eli. I'm a welcome. You're for hanging out with us today. We're gonna be back next week.

I will be an expert on some of us. Between now and then you can hear more from Tom and Cecil on cognitive distance. Did you get to hear more from Heath Eli and myself on physical and spiritual distance? And then to help keep the show going, you can make a pre-episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod.

Or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us check out past episodes connect with us on social media or check the show notes be sure to check out citation pod dot com. Okay left wrong left, still not left. Go in any direction except for the one you're going. You know what, never mind. Give me the keys. Give me the keys.