Citation Needed - The Voyage of the James Caird

Episode Date: March 7, 2018

The voyage of the James Caird was a small-boat journey from Elephant Island in the South Shetland Islands to South Georgia in the southern Atlantic Ocean, a distance of 800 miles (1,300 km). Undertaken by Sir Ernest Shackleton and five companions, it aimed to obtain rescue for the main body of the Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition of 1914–17, stranded on Elephant Island after the loss of its ship Endurance. Polar historians regard the voyage as one of the greatest small-boat journeys ever undertaken. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

I just, I don't know what the second season is about though, you know. It's about the robots taking over the park. So they're robots. Yeah, but they're like people robots. Right. People robots. Okay, here's the thing though. It's like really good.

Right. I told you, what's your good over the texture? It's actual. What, what are you eating? I want some. Move. Out, Tom. Yeah, okay, so you know how last week was mostly about like marching across snow with dogs,

and we did, we did like a dog thing beginning. I don't understand. This week's show is mostly about surviving by eating sealed. There it is. Okay, I get it now, I get it. Did you even go Well, let me put it this way if the aquarium calls we're not here. Oh, we are not seriously though. It's really good Jesus Christ

Oh, I hate it. I hate it and it always surprises. I still want some where's I didn't get it. You just save a place. I'm just gonna call the aquarium. I'll take the ice I'll cut out the middle man man, and just call them. Just smaller than you think. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Heath and I'll be giggling every time someone says sexton Ton but I can't immature alone I'm joined today by two men whose chronological age in no way matches their mental age

Nor the scope of their mental illnesses Tom and Eli as a man approaching 40. I have just one piece of advice of anyone thinking of doing the same Quit while you're ahead. Even if you're not ahead. Now it's time to quit. That's right. I tried, I tried, but the rope broke and the chair kind of broke. I don't want to get into it. It's just, okay.

Also joining us tonight, the only two humans born without having ever been children, whimsical or lighthearted, Noah and Cesar. Hey, hey, just because I was already smoking in 1977, doesn't mean I wasn't still a baby. Rules were different back then. And I'm so lighthearted, it's just two sizes, two small as all. That's how light it is.

All right, before we begin in earnest, amazing pun, okay, a in earnest, amazing pun. I'm going to lay off huge a minute. That's right. But first we need to pause and give you a warning. All right. So this show survives, kind of like group of exhausted explorers stranded on an ice flow, but not on seal meat on the generosity

of our patrons. Remember, without our patrons, we'd go hungry. And if we go hungry, we'll have to kill a seal. Take a moment now and picture a baby seal in your mind. Isn't it cute? It's adorable. Big eyes all fluffy. All right. Now, hold that image in your mind we have to kill that little guy and eat it if that happens it's your fault our patrons help save seals lives super cute baby seals with like oversized lollyipops. Those are the ones we're gonna throw. If you'd like to save. If you'd like to save baby seals from being clubbed to death by Tom's clubby arms, be sure to stick around

till the end of the show. With that out of the way, tell us Cecil. You handed off the story to Tom before it was finished last week. So, uh, okay, wait, why'd you do that again? Because the story's too long to fit into a single episode. So we totally needed somebody to step in. No, no, yeah, no, we all understand that. But why Tom?

Oh, well, you see, Tom, he turned me on to this story. He had turned me on to a book because he already knew this story and he probably wasn't going to fuck it up, telling something he already knew, or at least, it was at least some of our work that we could offer him, I guess, is what I'm saying. That makes sense. And Tom, we're hoping you refresh your memory and read the article. Are you ready to pick up where Cecil left off and tell us the exciting conclusion to the story of Ernest Shackleton Ernest, pump it off, crush it. Ernest Shackleton and the voyage of the James Caird go. Tom go. Yeah, it's time for the essay. Tom, you go.

Okay. All right. Sorry. All right. Just finishing this delicious seal made, I know, a lot more money. So much. Manch. Okay.

Okay. Just finish eating Eli's dog and then go ahead and begin. You monster. Yeah. It's a very another one of those. Those pugs are little. How was the face on that? Was it good?

It was. It was a pug cheek. It braised that. You know you know you can but I think they taste better when they're screaming yeah you start yeah you start on the face yeah I guess you eat your way yeah yeah yeah I love the best part you know that it ain't those meat is nice too though the studio knows me it's super tender it's the claw. It's like the feel of the face. It's like the feel of the face. It doesn't do any work. It really is like the, you could just taste how happy they used to be.

Like the joint and the tears. I don't know. It's like it's own salt. It's a marinade. So when C is elected off in episode 46, Ernest Shackleton and is not so merry band of intrepid ice hunters, we're stranded in the middle of the southern sea on elephant island. The elephant island, for those who don't remember the last episode, is a hopelessly shitty spit of uninhabited land that no one would ever even look for their

bones on if they died there. Okay. Okay. Now you're just reading the state slogan off an Indiana license plate. You wouldn't think we'd fit on there, but it's right where it's still. And although there was an abundance of seals and penguins to eat, there was also an abundance of not fucking much else, including hope. And there was only one way to survive. Start fucking seals and populate the island with the most adorable centric cars ever for human seal hybrids. Right?

Okay, all right, two ways, two of that are going to the alternate options. They didn't bring Dr. Marrow on there. So real way was to be their own rescue and send a contingent of men to go get help. Okay, fine, planned. Sorry, get help from who I'm guessing the penguin and still unions were big fans. All right, so they're they decided to leave. They go and go to go to help. They've got three options

to shoot for, right? And none of their options are really worth much of a shit. But I guess after choking down 16 months of penguin meat and with constant blizzards constantly destroying their camp and the perils of another stranded Antarctic winter approaching low odds looked a lot better than no odds. Okay. And now you're reading the Alaska license play right. So the closest port was 540 miles away in the Faulkland islands, but that one was in no go because the winds were working against that. A better option was deception island, which was uninhabited, but which had supplies. I know, right?

For shipwrecked whalers and which was visited from time to time as need a road. Okay. What supplies is going to have like an entire fleet of extra boats sitting there like a take a penny dish. They show up and they're just like all there was is a coal shovel. A deception island was troublesome to reach because of the wind situation as well. And there was really no guarantee that if they went there, that anybody would ever show up to help.

Yeah, so I mean, it's deception. I won the first day, wouldn't it? So ultimately, they settled on the third option, which is trying to reach the wailing stations on South Georgia, which was 800 miles away. Just like Noan heathed. Nope, that's different Georgia. Yep.

There was this one time I needed Serrano ham for a dish I was making and the local Whole Foods didn't carry it, so I just walked to Spain. I was like, why chance that? Right, yeah. Well, tell you what, you know the story's gone to shit with South Georgia, seems like a step-buck. But that works, by the way the island the US state and the nation Did they declare their independence to become an island? I'm confused. I know very well. That's just amazing.

It's not amazing. Now we're gonna have to move just gone from that train right just push through All right always push through they decided they sent six men and one of their tiny shitty little life Life rafts to go get help and of of the three small boats, the James Carrot was deemed most likely to survive the trip. A seal of approval no one in our cast could ever hope to receive the tons out. No. Right. But a teeth, right? Like a man lost.

I feel like it's he just, he like Tom overdozed it on the first day and dies. And I'm, I killed myself the first day there was a wave. I was just like take this God's clues. Well, no, if you went that early, then I think it would be Cecil. All right. So the carrot was nominated as the escape vessel and I want to pause here for a moment. I wanted to scribe the James carrots you guys, right? Like, this is not a big boat. Think about 800 miles. This is not a big boat. Think about 800 miles. This is not a big boat. This is not an ocean going vessel. And it was never intended to

be on ocean going vessel. There are pictures of this thing. And in fact, the actual boat is right now in a museum. And it is really fucking small. The whole thing is only 22 feet long. It was actually designed as a wailing ship like it not like we got the whale put it on this. Right. But like there's a whale. We should use this little boat to go harass it until it quits and dies. That's the case. So there's no way this thing was going to survive. And there's no way like the people in it were going to survive as it is. So Shackleton asked the ship builder to kind of beef it up a bit, right? Except the ship builder didn't have any tools because you know, stranded.

And so we had to improvise the tools themselves before scrounging for the materials before he could set up. Wow. Just turns to the ship builder. He's like, what tools burps up a T square, huh? That's a fucking Ikea. Does anybody have like hexagonal figures by any chance?

Like a hex dick anything. One guy steps out of the crowd years of mockery and now my hex dick pays off. Cartwheel, cartwheel, cartwheel, spin me. So the ship builder, he does this. He sets to work. He did a hell of a lot of it, actually. He raised the sides of this little shitty boat significantly and then he created an entire deck made of wood and canvas and he sealed that deck with paint and seal blood. Great history project with the kids, by the way, if you would have played one. He took one of the masks from one of the other lifeboats to run the length of the boat to reinforce it from getting smashed into pieces. And then he transformed this shitty little boat into an actual sailboat called a catch

by creating and adding a main mass and a mizzen mass. And then they also added a ton, an actual ton, 2000 pounds of ballast in the form of rocks on the bottom of the boat to keep it more stable in the water. And that was to make sure that it didn't, you know, immediately fucking capsize. These guys are just over thinking it. Just get a couple of fat guys from Chicago. They're sitting the boat. There's no way the SS Paul is sausage would. They're just selling across the ocean. Yeah. Guys, thanks for keeping the boat steady. But can you tone the laughing down? It's just a lot. I don't get it. I don't understand that joke.

Can you explain that joke? I don't understand. So they've got the boat reinforced. They need some food in there. So they pack a month's worth of rations and a few extra clothes into the boat. Mostly just a bunch of shit that they'd scavenge from the original expedition. And they take a month's worth because a shackle to noted, if we don't make it to South Georgia Island in time,

we're sure to go under. The math they're doing here is amazing. It's like, okay, we're like 99% sure to die on this raft going 800 miles through the Antarctic. You guys are 100% certain to die on this island. How important is comfort while you definitely die. And we're going to use use that figure. We'll figure out the pot. So all right. So they're going to set off a little bit about what they were expecting. Cause this is the beginning

of winter in the roughest seas in the world, right? And their boat was built out of like spittle and desperation. That also coincidentally is what in a hotel room that Eli Bosnick stays in. So allegedly, allegedly. And they're, they're expecting these crazy waves, right? These, these waves were known as Cape Horn Rollers and they measured from Cresta Troph 60 feet high. The winds that they're going to encounter are hurricane force. And you know, why? Because fuck you. That's why. All right. So I mean, so far, this is Adventure Park

with seal kabobs. I'm not. I don't think that bad. So I had to have a crew for this little shipboat, right? So Shackleton selected warsly as the navigator and cream to come along in the voyage. And he asked the rest of the men for volunteers. And a lot of guys actually stepped up and volunteered. Now, he made it warsley because the navigational impossibilities of this voyage were immense and Creen was just tough as shit and it distinguished himself in some previous Antarctic expeditions. All Shackleton ultimately chose McCarthy and Vincent, two strong sailors and then the ship's carpenter, McNish. Although McNish was older than many of the guys at 41, he was chosen because he had a

lot of knowledge of sailboats and he was just a generally sharp guy. Yeah, you're going to want some good knowledge and intellect there. That's important. Just like, Hey, McNish, what's the name of this piece of wreckage I'm dying on over here in ice? That would do you know? Yeah, that's the Mizzin Mask. Oh, no, that's the Mizzast. Oh, no, I'm really glad

you're here. I'm glad you got picked next. This is awesome. We picked well. Okay, what weird kind of pre-selection is the through line of this story. It's like who wants to go die in a boat on the ice? 8,000 people applying one guy stoze away. Okay, we're stranded. Who really wants to die?

Yeah, right. Everybody raises their hand. It's like the opposite of signing people up for Patreon, this trebuchet. Ah! All right, well, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess this turned into something longer than a three hour tour.

And as much as we'd like to all take a moment and fantasize about Marianne, we're gonna pause instead for our favorite use of random music, little segment we like to call, I propose nothing. This week on Deception Island, Kimberly leaving changes. After Kimberly got voted off the island last week, I'm not taking any chances. I will be safe this week. Block him! Block him!

Hee hee! Josh starts trouble. I know. Quacky is Jennifer's favorite, but when he finds out that she and I made out in the hot tub, I think Sparks are gonna fly. Block him! I did not! Who told you that? out that she and I made out in the hot tub, experience the adventure of a lifetime. Gentlemen, we will cross Antarctica. It's going to be dangerous, but I found the perfect person to lead the expedition.

Markey Mark is Ernest Shackleton. Get your fucking coats. When everyone wanted to quit. Captain, the boat is stuck in the ice again. Give me a fucking chisel. He held them together. Jesus fucking Christ, fuck that, it's fucking cold, God. Oh, let's just stay here.

Oh, God. Captain, you were only outside for like four minutes. Did I fucking ask you anything? Through the heartbreak. Captain, we have to kill all the animals. Not Mrs. Chippy. Nooooooooooooo it's not. Also, my name is Frank. Whatever. Fuck you.

Fuck you. One man. Could you night them? I can't do it, Captain. We're all gonna die. You listen to me. You get out there and you fucking punch that ice in the fucking balls. You hear me?

You're gonna punch it in the fucking balls. Yeah, I hear you. I don't understand. You right in the balls. This summer. Cold card. I beat up a Chinese guy out there Okay, so about this impending starvation thing kind of stuck here. Yeah, yeah, what's up? All right. Well if I star first

I want to make it clear up front that certain morsels would have been bigger if it wasn't so cold out just Yeah, plus plus I'll probably have just got out of the pool when I die knowing me I like to swim in the cold water Don't don't worry about it. He obviously know what is going to die first. Oh, good. That ain't me something to pick this seal me out of my teeth. You know, I can still hear over here. Not not long though.

Not just there you go. I still think the betting board was in bad taste though. He can hear a little bit still funny. Funny how you started thinking that when your square was next. The okay guys one last try. Eli, for the last time, we do not want to try your vegan survivalist menu. Okay, let me at least tell you today's on trace. Only because I am two week at this point to strangle you.

You say that all the time. It's like our little fun catchphrase. Okay, so today we'll start with a beautiful icicle stew in a snow sauce. After that, we'll have some sleet loaf with a grapple glaze. Okay, Eli, I'm sure even a vegan is allowed to eat meat at a time like this. We're stranded. No, no, this is when you earn your true vegan stripes. For the worst. You know, the calories you spent strangling him could be reclaimed.

You know what Tom? No Tundra Taco Tuesday for you. And we're back. When we left off, six dudes were getting into a canoe with a stick in a bag and playing a sail through a wall of ice so so that they could go tell people where their friends die. Take it away Tom. Not okay, not too far. The James cared. Great boat. Lodge from Elephant Island on April the 24th, 1916. Now,

they set sail north to get free of the ice pack and then out into the open water. After the first night, they had sailed 45 miles into open ocean where they were met with force nine winds, which I googled and that's 50 mile an hour winds. The description when I looked it up said, oh my fucking god, we are going to die out here. Just a shark with a chainsaw landing in the boat. Hey, have you guys seen that asshole from 90210? This is ridiculous. Shackle to looks at the shark says, no, but I did see Patrick Swayze served five out an hour. No, then cancer with a chainsaw lands in the boat Swazie you say. It's a bone song. It's a bone song. It's different. All right. So Shackleton sets up a system of two, three man watches, right? One man at the home to steer, one at the sales, and

one to continuously bail water out of the bones. That's your job. The other three men rested below in the improvised deck, laying on top of the rocks they put in there for ballast, wet, and shivering. That was the rest period. Wow. It's kind of like the entire life of a puss. I just imagine Shackleton going to the guy at the helmet saying, look, McCarthy, true or not, you don't have the yell, we're fucked whole every five minutes. Okay. You want to start a report or not. Okay. All right. So, whorously, the navigator, he had to do the work of figuring out where the fuck they were going, right? And so here's how this plays out. This boat is pitching and rolling

in violent seas. They only saw brief flashes of sun and wars they had to use those brief sightings of the sun to determine their position. And by brief flashes of sun, I mean, they didn't get a usable sighting of the sun for the first two days. They had traveled 128 miles at this point from Elephant Island. I didn't even blink if he didn't see a sun for two days. And I was 10. Oh, no. That's so sad. Then the weather got even worse, right? So finally, they're clear now of any of the protective ice pack that would have helped protect them against some of the weather. They're now in a Drake passage. This is an area of water where their waves travel the entire globe unimpeded by land and also by tiny boats.

The weather then got even worse, turning sharply colder. The boat was in constant danger of sinking. It was only kept afloat by a constant 24 hour bailing. And not because it had gotten so much colder. The sea spray was also now turning to ice on everything that it touched, right? So it's now weighing the boat down and threatening to sink it even more. The man had a climb out onto the pitching deck and chip the ice from the boat to keep it from sinking.

Oh, and the men themselves were also now covered in ice. I mean, like literally covered head to toe, actual ice. Just take it full swings at each other's heads with an or like, hey, do you feel that? Do you feel that? But still know these Roger Gidele rises out of the water. There's no relationship between getting Those seals have a history And there's just one guy sliding around on the deck. And the other guys are brushing frantically. All right, McNiss, he was funny the first time, but stop using your goddamn John Snow voice. Okay.

All right. So it's, it's total shit out there, right? So they drop a C anchor and they wait two days in the gale for the weather to improve. They're now 250 miles from South Georgia Island. And a brief word on what measuring this distance involved, right? So war is leaves are navigator. In his efforts to use dead reckoning to guide the boat towards South Georgia Island, he had to be held in place by two other guys while he used his tools to cite the sun. Two guys are gripping him and holding him from being pitched overboard while he's desperately using a sextant to cite the sun. Yeah, he's like, really squeeze tight guys. It's for the sun measurements.

So after two days, they pull the anchor, they sent sail again, and then the weather gets even worse from here. Of this, Shackleton later wrote, we felt our boat lifted and flung forward like a cork in breaking surf. The boat took on water at a rapid pace at nearly capsized. Despite this, we're usually kept them more less on target, although we can fast that he couldn't determine their position with accuracy more than 10 miles. And this was a real problem because if they missed their target, they'd be hopelessly swept out to sick. Really? Okay, well, how are they describing their current situation? They're not hopelessly swept out to see right now. They're hopelessly

swept out. Yeah, right. It's different. The hopeless, the peace that's okay. So, Shackleton ordered them to change course to hit the uninhabited Southwest side of South Georgia Island, knowing that their chances of hitting that side of the island given the wind and waves was much greater than hitting the, you know, inhabited side. All right. Well, I feel like Shackleton's just making shit up at this point. He's doing like fake calculus with a sharpie on a sheet of ice, just yelling out right of direction. He's not as ex. So now they're actually, they make it within sight of South Georgia Island, which is kind of incredible, because this is like almost

800 miles at this point, right? So they make it in sight of South Georgia Island. And then they get stuck in what was described as one of the worst hurricanes. Any of us had experienced, and I love the idea that they have other hurricanes here to compare that to Jesus. And which they endure and lashed about by the winds in sight of land for more than 24 hours. So concern that some of the weaker members of the crew would not survive another day at sea. Shackleton ordered that they make for land despite any hazards in doing so. And after several attempts, they made land on May the 10th. And remember, they left in this dinky ass fucking boat on April the 24th.

Shackle much faster than I expect. Shackle didn't describe the journey as one of quote, supreme strife. I love the ocean at an obstinate character. Historian Caroline Alexander comments, they can hardly have known or cared that in the carefully weighted judgment of authorities yet to come, the voyage of the James cared would be ranked as one of the greatest boat journeys ever accomplished. I feel like they maybe had an inkling though. Hey, where would you guys rank this boat trip?

Should the fuck up, Sammy? Nobody likes you. Okay, I spy with my little eyes. It's always I. It's really worse. All right, so they make it, but all is not well. Wait, hold on. Someone was under the impression that all was

the police hit that motherfucker with a ball. They make landball, right? But again, it's on the uninhabited sign of South Georgia Island. So, and two members of the crew were deeply unwelved. And the other four were well. Okay, yeah, no, the way the end. This is relative. Yeah, it's a working on relative. So they get on this, they get on the beach, they turn the boat over for shelter. And Shackleton, wars the end cream, begin the first ever crossing of the interior of South Georgia Island with no maps across glaciers and over a mountain range. Another time my phone died and I had to drive home

from Whole Foods with our GPS. These guys are not so great, okay? That's how I'm saying. You're so brave. I'm just, I'm just saying, if I shoot myself into space and it's hard to get back down, what am I proving? He's like,

I'm just, don't shoot yourself in the space. Oh, at least we found that secret plant that cures cancer in Antarctica. What? No, there's just ice up there. Thanks. Exactly. Up there.

He said up there. It's up there. It's up there. It's up. It's up. From where? It's up from anywhere. We all know what I'm talking about.

It's polar orbit. It's up from the planets that are under us. It's state orbit. It's up from the planets that are under us. It's safe. All right. So the men treks for 36 hours without pause across the interior of South Georgia. Bullshit without pause. I call bullshit. They pause. All right. They have no more mountaineering equipment other than pounded nails through their shoes to make kind of improvised ice cleat. And the journey across South Georgia Island has not been subsequently achieved.

I feel like no one's tried though. I feel like everyone on the center of the village everyone was smart about not trying because that's fucking stupid. He cares. And we're going to the inhabit inside. Fuck that. So at one point, I love this. The guys, they climb up an entire mountain.

They get to the top only to realize that there's no safe way down. So then they have to trek all the way back down the fucking mountain. They just climb, we'll just shoes with nails in them and then find a new way back up and having reached another peak. They realize that they're not going to survive the weather. Night is closing in on the track down. And so they have to slip down sliding on their asses down the side of the mountain, hoping to avoid corining into a boulder or like into an open Krovas.

One guy being all serious about it, but then like Sammy flies past him. Wee snow cleats. Joe's. Stop idiot. Idiot. It's nails. So they finally reached a wailing town of stormness appearing quote, a terrible trio of scarecrows dark with exposure, wind, frostbite and accumulated blubbersuit. Accumulated blubbersuit is the name of my new band. I'll tell you, I call it. The, the, the, the whalers set a motorboat this batch to go pick up McCarthy, McNish, and Vincent, and importantly, the James Carrot.

They should've just made him wait until they could build a new boat out of seal brains and penguin tons. So, what are the conditions? Pick them up when that one came out. 97 hours, they stretched the tongues across 112 miles of rapist hurricanes made entirely in a knives and weather. All right, so like these six guys are safe. They got to go rescue their buddies, right? But it takes them three months to rescue the rest of Shackleton's men because getting there was so fucking difficult.

The seas were so impossible. It took four attempts with four different vessels to finally reach the men stranded on elephant island on September 3rd, 1916, and my fucking favorite part, every mother fucking one of those guys survived. Okay. Well, then, wow. Well, then this whole two part story was less dangerous than like a ninth grade social studies class at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas. I don't know why we're lying in these guys.

Fuck. No, no, by the time this comes out, Cesar, I won't be too silly. Well, yeah, it's in advance. I feel like. I told this out for several years. It's it. They took four different attempts and four different boats to get to them. I feel like every time a boat fails to make the trip, it just feels shackled in disappointment and

kills itself right there. SS Bosnick one through four. Well, one through one through three. The last one couldn't have been called Bosnick if it succeeded. That was fun. It was fun. All right, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, Tom, what would it be? That every time I get ice from my freezer, I won't forget the brave men who discovered it. Very important, very important trip they made.

Absolutely. So are you ready for the quiz from the panel? Yeah, I'm all covered in seal blood. Let's do this. All right. As usual. All right, I got a question for you here. Tom, which of the following was not on Ernest Shackleton's James cared mixtape?

A mixtape. Oh, yeah, yeah, it looks they needed their tunes. was not on earn a shackle to James cared mixtape. Hey, mixtape. Oh, yeah, yeah, it looks like they needed their tunes. Hey, it's a crazy shade of winter. Was it B, George on my mind? C, Icice baby. Right. Or, of course, D, the seventh seal.

I think it's E road to nowhere. It's not a fucking sleds. Oh God. I'm going to go with Georgia on my mind. Yeah, no, he didn't like the black guy music appear. Yeah, okay. What dangerous parts of the journey did Tom and Cecil leave out? Was it A, the killer whale attack at midnight?

B, the Wolverines and the Underwear Torins and it says, C, the journey through the lava storm, or was it D, the time God came down from heaven himself and tried to choke the life out of James cared. James cared was a boat. That's why I got to go with that answer. I didn't want to read it. James cared was the name. James cared.

James cared. He's right at the top of the Google dog. You don't fool me. Try to make me look silly. James cared. First president of Antarctica. Most people don't know that. And apparently Georgia, I learned that today. Yeah. No, he still could be. Okay. All right, Tom. Your question is, should you go to Antarctica? Is it A? No.

Can you repeat the question? So we mentioned it earlier when we were talking about the Patreon stuff, but just take a second and think about those big-eyed seal veal that they were eating on that island. Just take a minute and sort of appreciate that. What was the best way that they could prepare those, you know, Tom? A, pounded flat. That's like, Venus Schnitzel style. B, battered. See Buffett style.

Or D, poached. Oh, I like mine, Poached. I'm going Poached. Think you're right. It's poached. Oh, I like mine, poached. I'm going poached. Think you're right. It's poached. Tender meat. Actually, it was probably battered if I think about it a little harder. Oh, it was battered.

You're right. I thought about it. I reconsidered. No, you're absolutely right. It was Buffett style. It was like a well-oiled machine. Yeah, it was part of the show. Judges, can we accept poached?

No, it was battered. You got it wrong. Cecil is the winner. And I'm going to pick Eli. Eli. So he likes best friends friends always choosing each other. He let us out the finish and has a last week. That was, yes, we're gonna record too.

On Monday, when I got locked out, I don't know if you remember, but I did not clearly. Best friends, forgive the nation. Sometimes people forget that. All right, well, I'm going to toss it over to Sarah now for last week's Twitter answer and this week's Twitter question. Thanks, Heath. Last week's assignment was, write a hi-ko about the endurance expedition. The winner was Cindy Lynch on Twitter with this. I hate people who boldly go to frozen realms and then eat their dogs.

This week's question is, if you had to roast a penguin, what would you stuff it with? Just retweet or face book share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you, Heath. Alright, well for Cecil, Noah, Eli, and Tom, I'm Heath. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, Eli will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can hear more from Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Disnance, and you can hear more from Eli, Noah, and myself on the Skating Atheist, The Skeptocrat, and God-Alpha Movies.

And if you'd like for us to not eat this puppy seal that I'm holding right now, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, or take a look at the show notes, be sure to check out citation pod.com. Until all the people who can afford it start donating, we're gonna murder a seal every five minutes. So, starting now. Okay, but what I'm saying is they didn't like count them

and they counted the genes. Okay, I'm not doing this with you. Please, Mr. Tom, no! Whoa, Tom, Cecil not doing this with you. I'm doing this with you. Mr. Tom, no! Ah! Whoa! Tom, Cecil, what are you guys doing? Oh, hey guys, well after Tom and I got locked out of studio last week, we decided to make some changes to glory whole studios. Ah!

Ah, the yoga studio! Oh, okay, so you're smashing in all the doors of your building? Well, not exactly. I told our landlord I'd smash in every door he ever touched. Mr. Cesar, you must make him stop! Kata! Okay. Cesar, I think that's the last of them.

Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. It's all broken. Mama's house in the old country, everything now. You guys ready to record? Yes, I am ready to record. Yup. Ready to record. I'm talking mama's house in the old country everything now. You guys ready to record? Yes, I am ready to record. Yeah, ready to record.

Great, let's get started. I got to ride a plane. I'm so stupid. Why? Well, there's like three skits. Look at them. Jesus. You've fucked that one.

I love the idea of stuff. God damn. I'm making Tom destroy the door. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. Why? There's like three skits. Look at them. Jesus. You've locked that one. I just, I love the idea of, God damn.

Making Tom destroy the doors and their landlords house in the old country. So, I mean, I'm gonna tell you a no shit story, a no shit story. We show up at the studio when I come in, and as I'm coming in, I buzz myself in, there's like a little key fob. I buzz myself in, I pull the one door,

and I start to pull the other one, and it sort of locks a little bit, but wait a second, I sort of, I put a little bit of pressure on it and it opens. It goes through the little ones. So I come in and I come out to the studio and Tom comes in and he doesn't say anything to me. And then we're leaving at the end of the night,

it's midnight and we're walking downstairs and the door is wide open. The door is just wide open. And I look at go the fuck the door is wide open. And times like, yeah, it wouldn't open. So I just pulled it real hard. And I know shit just pulled the door so hard he broke it. Like he just like he walked in and instead of like gently waiting for the door to sort of open, he just pulled it as hard as he could and he pulled it like right off its end. I'm not even gonna get it. Like your skin is a real life thing. That actually happened.

Hey, I could swear that's a Tom Shade hole in the bricks right there. No, no, they did it right now. You forgot him, you forgot but it happened. But I just thought it was jammed. Yeah, no, it was jammed. It was jammed. Yeah, no, it was jammed. It was jammed. It was jammed, but it was locked. That's the difference.

It was jammed. It was a little more barred as well. It was jammed. Yeah, it was jammed. It was jammed. Yeah, it was jammed. Yeah, it was jammed. It was jammed.

It was jammed. Yeah, it was jammed. It was jammed. It was jammed. It was jammed. It was jammed. It was jammed. It they jam shot. That's how works. Hey, hey, hey, it was locked. It was absolutely was. And then it was fixed. Go figure. No more sticky to break the metal apart. It was fixed. Do it that time. The lady asked me to turn that side. We're in Michigan. We're in Michigan. We're hanging out.

And this lady looks at us. So as you walk in with the first people in this bar, she looks, she's this waitress. And she's actually a cute waitress. She looks over at us and she's like, hey, hey, Han, you know, one of those like, hey, Han, waitress things. Can you turn that sign on and there's an open sign above the door? And there's a string, a little string. And Tom reaches up and he grabs a little string and he literally pulls it as hard as he can and he snaps the chain. He

breaks the chain off of it. And he top doesn't like the thing is like you got to understand this like, like, top does just reach up and just pull it and it breaks. Tom reaches up, pulls it, holds it, holds it, holds it, holds it, holds it, keeps pulling it until it's snapped. And I look at him and the walk is wrong with you. And he's like, I don't have an off button. I'm sorry. I'm like, neither does the light.

She looked at you like she wanted to kill his girlfriend. It was the best. We didn't get a free his real. It was the best Tom's crying he's laughing so hard Fuck I don't you asked Now is it or it isn't a minute can I just okay? I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna tape this. I don't know if that exonerates here. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D.

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You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D.

You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking Tweedle D. You can only ask that if you're fucking too little thing.