Citation Needed - The Worst TV Shows

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

A number of television shows have been judged the worst by both critics and audiences alike. This week, we'll discuss several of them. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

I mean, the Joker was born that way as literally the worst possible take. You mean sort of like, nope, I can't think of a worst take, you're right. Right. Well, if it isn't Cecil and Noah, now this pickle just got a whole lot more salty. What?

Where is that noise coming from? And what the f*** did you... Wait, I can't say f***. Yeah, it's because we're in the sitcom verse. The sitcom verse? Yeah, I changed this room into the sitcom verse because this week's episode is about failed TV pilots. That's right, we're in the sitcom verse.

Uncle Heath! What? Why do we all just shut that out? Don't put a wallet in my feet of butter. That's his catchphrase. That is true. It is my catchphrase. And I love it here.

Everybody laughs at my jokes. Nobody has sex with my mom. And in order to let us have all our wacky misunderstandings, nobody has cell phones, which is amazing. It's perfect. I love it. Okay, but I don't love it here. How do we get out?

Ooh, sorry, no, there's only one way out of the sitcom verse. Only one way, what's that? You gotta step back outside and tweet something problematic. Yeah, that's actually how Tom did it. Okay, well, if you'll excuse me, I've got a tweet to compose about Italians. Wait for me, I'll be right there. Don't put a wallet in my feet of butter.

Nice. We'll run it here. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm a mediocre white man, and I'll be leading this group of desperate for attention grifters through a series of activities for your amusement. I know technically any podcast could be introduced that way, but this week it is thematic,

I promise. First up, two men who were doing man versus food long before the cameras were rolling. He and Tom. Yeah, okay. Honestly, is more of a cooperative game for us? I'm like, when I say, I mean me and the food, like I feel like we get in together on it. Yeah, I mean, versus implies the food was ever a competitor in that contest and it was not. Okay, for you, it's, it's the opposite. All right.

You're just like dominating the, I feel adversarial. I feel like this is a relationship. Yeah. It's about establishing a power dynamic over the, there's a hierarchy involved in I'm on top with the food. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. And also joining us tonight, the cynical producers who would tell you to throw an ice

cube at Stucky, Cecil and Noah. I mean, I did it all for this. No, no, yeah. Absolutely. No, no, I quit the show. I will quit the show. What are you going to do with the cookie? Oh, you could take it.

He lab in this weird position where I don't know what you mean, but I still agree with you. So, yeah, before we begin tonight, I'd like to say, I'm going to say, I'm in this weird position where I don't know what you mean, but I still agree with you. So. Yeah. Yeah. Before we begin tonight, I'd like to thank our patrons. Patrons. Thanks to your contributions, we've never had to take studio notes for my guy who's unaware

he's got a huge Coke bubble coming out of his nostrils. We don't have to take no one to appreciate that. I always know about the Coke bubble. Tom, it's there to establish Dominic. Exactly. And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, Tom, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon

or event will we be talking about today? See now I'm torn. It says they're going to be talking about the worst TV shows ever, but we're clearly going to be talking about some of the best TV shows ever. And I feel very conflicted. Exactly. Coprock, Gates, arts very subjective on the way. And Cecil, you dredged the bottom of the toxic lake that is TV land.

Are you ready to poke arts dead body with the stick? I'm ready to show it. Who's the boss? That's for sure. There's the boss references. Do not belong in the worst TV shows ever episode. Sorry, Cecil. Have you had it? That's a tell us, Cecil. Are you going to talk about supernatural? Or are you a cow? I was going to wait for you to start the conversation. So go ahead and tell us about supernatural. I don't like it. So God, tell us about supernatural. I don't like it. So originally I was planning on doing the worst video games ever, but I thought that we did that or something like that or

close to it. And we're on to like 300 episodes or close to that. And that's all starting to blur. I already did all salt like one on the worst songs and albums and I can't do worst movies ever because three of the five of us do that same topic every week. So I don't win. We make you do it a lot of the time. I do. I take them on occasion two. So on a whim, I looked up canceled pilot TV shows and I came across a list of them as well as a list of television shows notable for negative reception. So this is going to be a mashup of those two things. Wow.

The low end of a scale whose high end includes big bang theory. That should be fun. We have time for one. All right. So let's get started with some failed TV spin-offs, TV studios. We're always looking for the best spin-off series because it's easy to take a lovable character from an already popular show and just fill in the rest of their day and make sweet, sweet ad revenue.

You don't have to sell the plot as most people already know the character and the plot is an afterthought anyway. And a lot of these television shows, okay, we get it. See, so nobody liked my blog. You like it? You like to be fair. Nobody wrote your blog. No, that's true.

It's chicken and egg. So let's start with one that spun off a commercial. How great is that? You take a commercial and you make an entire show about those characters that people fell in love with in a 30 second. That's great. I don't know if that's great. No, the caveman TV show. A lot. No, that's seven. This is a great show.

I don't know what you're talking about already. Sure fire road to success. 13 full episodes of glory. The original characters were from a guyco commercial where people would say, it's so easy. A caveman can do it. And then a guy and came in makeup would say something like really Larry. He's so hot. He's so hot. He's always angry because he's a caveman can do it. And then a guy in caveman bake up would say something like really Larry to like a lot of it's always angry because he's a caveman in there.

Exactly. That's the joke. It's the commercials tickled so many TV producers, funny bones that they gave them a whole fucking show. Okay, but the season finale when Larry fucked the caveman's wife, start on moving that is brave television. You have to admit really Larry. So in order to have a caveman show, you need to do a little backstory on your 30 second

character sketch. They landed on, hey, what if cavemen were like a small minority group? hilarious. So the whole show, well, there's only so many caves. Am I right? What? What? So the whole show is this psych egg for a Neanderthal.

They wrongly call them chromagna in the series doing a desk job. And the juxtaposition is, well, really boring if it isn't a 30 second ad TV spot. Well, also if it is, but yeah, yeah, I guess that's true. One critic said, quote, I laughed, but I laughed through my pain. Caveman, caveman said in some version of San Diego, where people speak with Southern accents, doesn't have moments as much as microseconds suspended from any attempt at a narrative. And quote, yikes, another one wrote quote, among the stalest pieces of bread in the loaf, and it was certainly the most tasteless and quote. Okay, the whole list really does beg the question though, like, what is exactly wrong with

TV producers? It's so there. Yeah, but to be clear, the whole advertising mask got as a TV show concept, fucking killed in the 1987 Max headroom series. That was not the concept. It wasn't necessarily that. Let's look at a very beloved show that had a couple of terrible ugly babies, mash. The original show, mash was about a medical army unit near the front lines in the Korean War. So the first spin of show is called After

Mash. And it started three of the old cast members, Klinger, the cross dressing clerk, Colonel Potter, the head of the mash outfit, and the chaplain father Mokkehi. The Colonel finds himself state side after the war and becomes a chief surgeon at a veterans hospital. Klinger becomes his administrative assistant and found the Mokehi is the Chaplain at the hospital. And it was not only meh, and the characters didn't work at all in this context. It was slotted up against the eight. And I pity the fool that slotted up against the 80 impressively in that time slot. It made it one and a half seasons before was canceled.

Okay. Yeah, but like to put it in context, this is a time when what if David Hasselhoff's car was an asshole got you four seasons. Right? I love that. I love that. After mash, it's clever. I guess it's fine.

Still, I feel like it should have been a spin off starring like a potato head family called like mashed potatoes. What if the monsters, oh, monster, nice. Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing it. Mashed spawned another television, aortion called Walter that followed Corp.

This is so sick. Radar O'Reilly, who was a radio operator at the mass unit. There is a short synopsis for the pilot that I found, and this is amazing quote, Radar had lost his family farm, packed his beloved mother off to live with relatives, had a wife who left him for another man on their wedding night, and then tried to commit suicide before joining the St. Louis police force and go. Yeah, they tried the life studio audience thing for that, but it was just like yikes. Yeah.

So I had to go and head to go to the left track, I guess. I don't know. Heath, it sounds as funny as mashed to me. I watched I seriously I did. I watched a lot of mash with my dad. This is a seriously dark take on radar. Oh, Riley. Like what is wrong with TV producers who hurt you guys? Yeah. radar suicide is painless according According to the song, right? She knows what's for us. Who hurt you? Come on. Say who is?

Okay, next spin off the Brady Bunch hour. The concept here is pretty much the Brady Bunch dozen hour show, but it's like a show within a show where they sang and there's very loose plot. Because they had guests on like Donnie Osmond and Lee Majors and they did a Brady Bunch stuff with them and then they sang. The show had nine episodes before being I guess they had gas on like Donnie Osman and Lee Majors and they did a pretty bunch stuff with them and then they sang. The show had nine episodes before being canceled and the Wikipedia article lists each song and they sang 135 songs in nine episodes. Jesus.

Oh, 135 opportunities to pierce your own eardrum and make it stop. They had the whole cast of the original except they replaced Jan and no one noticed. I bet they would have noticed if they'd replaced Marsha. Oh God. Fun fact, if you get that joke, you're back hurts. Okay. I'm sorry, I'm just doing the math of that. 15 songs and episodes.

That's like every four minutes if there's no ads. If it's a three minute song, Noah, that means there's one minute in between songs. There's commercials. There's commercials. There's commercials. There's no Tom. Yeah. Holy shit. You're right. There's the commercials out. The commercials. The songs just being in the other songs. The ones only has to start before the other ones over. I feel like. Fuck Fuck. Now one show for men TV lasted several seasons, and it was called the Osborne's. It was a show that basically followed around the family of Ozzy and Sharon Osborne, as they did some pre-plan drama bullshit and said,

bollocks a whole bunch of times. Well, I mean, I think that's what he's saying. Anyway, after it went off the air, Fox basically tried to snatch up the family for a variety type show that would air on after American idol called the Osborne's reloaded. Yeah, ironically, still better than Matrix reloaded, but that's a low bar to crawl over. So not untrue. The odds for the entire show premise was it's funny to laugh at people who've had strokes, but with a British accent. That's, that was not actually funny. You're right. You're right. You're right. It's exactly that. Like the Osborne's Reloader was supposed to be a singing and sketches with gas and stuff

and it was canceled after one episode. It had originally wanted to be like an hour show, but they cut it down to 35 minutes of just juicy footage. Here's what the plot was quote, would have included tape parody skits often featuring Ozzy and drag playing such characters as Audrina from the Hills and Juno. Other bits included the Osborne's working real jobs like Ozzy and Kelly working a drive through fast food, for example, or a recurring littlest Osborne segment where British kids

swearing like Ozzy and Sharon. And then finally, the Osborne's meeting other families from across the country that share the same name. And quote, 26 Fox affiliates decided just to air something else like in Milwaukee. They ran a round table about drug abuse in the time slot. Okay, Cecil, are you sure they didn't show the Osborne? Yeah, right. Everybody was airing in a round table about drug abuse to build a locky guys was just the

ones that knew it. Yeah. Oh, love it. The next one isn't so much a spinoff, but the producer did have some serious chops. This is Steven Botchko. He created Hill Street Blues LA Law and White P.D. Blue and Coprock. That's right. Yeah.

I'm so happy right now. I'm hard as a fucking rock. And here's the thing. It's a music cop show and it's not something funny. It was supposed to be like a gritty cop drama, but with people like bursting into song. Yes. And the show only had 11 episodes. And I did include a clip here where just like every cop show, there's like some kind of pre brutality briefing at the beginning of the night. And then it just breaks into song. Okay. It's called Let's Be Careful Out There. I'm going to put, I'm going to send the link to know, hopefully he remembers to put it in the show notes. If he doesn't, just search for cop rock. Let's be careful out there. The listener and watch this.

One of my favorite things I read about this show comes from directXbozay.com. Only the best sources for you. Listen. I'm so youkak. Quotes. Quotes. Here's the quote from directXbocom quote, in one of the more bizarre song and dance numbers, the otherwise serious show showcased a substance addicted mother crooning about the baby she was trying to sell for $200 and $200. Like, okay, I know she's dealing with addiction, whatever, but you got to sell that baby for more than $200, right? I'm afraid for a baby. Like, you got to put it, you know, put the product in the person's hand.

You got to sell that. That's, that's unfortunate. The coffee is for closers number right after this would have been good if they had done that. Right. Right. This next one is number two on TV guides, worst 100 TV shows. And it's behind Jerry Springer, which

means you have to be a flaming pilot trash to be a sitcom at number two. The show was from 1965 and called My Mother the Car. And the plot is in a dope dead mother is re-encar-nated as you get it. You understand? I know what I was going for. Anyway, she. As you get it, you understand. You know what I was going for. Anyway, she talks to him from the car stereo and he gets into like wacky hijinks. The real problem with the show is that they took out the lap track. So it winds up feeling a lot more melancholy and oddly dark. It lasted one season, which was 30 episodes back then, which is like six seasons in the

Marvel Cinematic Universe. Right. and which is 30 episodes back then, which is like six seasons in the Marvel cinematic universe. Right. What? Did we fair though? The Christine crossover episode where the guy like fucks or tailpipe or she starts killing his rest. We've been way we're with this soundtrack. Honestly.

Wait, wait, wait, did he drive his car mother? Like did he have to get inside of his mom for the show? It's not that he's gonna write this. God damn it. No. Yep. He parallel parked that one right on the right. Where's this last track? Okay, this is where this didn't happen earlier, right? Well, in my opinion, butter, okay, this next one. We did this next one. I have no idea how it could have missed a show based on a Twitter feed. Come on, a show based on a Twitter feed. The show starma William Shattner. It was called shit. My dad says, well, it wasn't called shit. It was called

had says, well, it wasn't called shit. It was called dollar sign pound star exclamation. That would be the idea. I literally was just about to say younger listeners, Cecil means hashtag. The plot is about a struggling blogger, which sounds about par for the course. The blogger has the basically tap into William Shatner shittiel mad rance for material, which as I mentioned earlier, we're once tweets on a Twitter feed of the same name. Slant magazine said this quote, harbors the worst qualities of every lame for camera. Left track sitcom on television and quote, yeah, I was gonna make the same show based on the same premise,

but they told me there was too much dead air. Oh Jesus Christ. Oh, just shake the box. I don't say something. This next one features anti-vax, unfunny SNL-Macon copies relic Rob Schneider in a TV show. classic. Kevin. Right? Whoa. Love that. So Rob Schneider, it's in a TV show cleverly named Rob about a landscape architect with obsessive compulsive disorder. That feels like it's pulled out of a hat or mad. I feel like maybe an ethnicity.

Yeah. Let's add one more. let's add one more. Let's add one more wacky thing. He's married into a Latino. Yeah, there you go. But they didn't bother to hire anybody on the staff who's Latino to consult with. So they just wing it by eating Mexican food occasion. And they're just like occasionally saying a Spanish word.

Yeah, I'm sure they didn't hire anybody with fucking obsessive compulsive disorder either. I think I don't make them watch his hands a lot. See, I said, she'd make music for it. It'll be great. Anyway, it was canceled after eight episodes in Rob Schneider went on to rant about COVID restrictions while being openly anti-vaccination like, so a bioterrest. Like a bioterrest. Exactly. Thank yourorist. Exactly. Thank you. He's exactly like literally that. Yes. Okay. I can't make this into a sketch or a joke, which I probably should just not say it, but hear me out. We grab some right wing hack, right? Like Jeff Dunham or fucking Kevin Sorboe. And we tell him that they've been casting a sitcom and we call it something like America all funny. But then after he's already shot two episodes in episode

three, he gets COVID and the rest of the sitcom is just raging through his shitty life destroying it, right? He gives it to his sassy Southern mom who dies and his kid gets long COVID and has to quit a sports team. And then he just fucking dies for the last six episodes of the show. It's just a straight medical drama for the last eight episodes. Okay, but if they need a live studio audience, I'm there for the laughing. I'm on it. They called the Vax of life, by the way, there you go. Bravo, sir. A shapeshifting crime-solving mystery drama called The shapeshifting crime solving mystery drama called, Mattimal was cancer after neat episodes in 1983.

What story was that a rich playboy had the power to change into any animal he chose. But quote, while Jonathan had the ability to change himself in any animal, he would transform into a hawk and a panther in nearly every episode. So he would use this amazing power to be able to transform into the animals that they had on set to fight crime. Yeah. He was a bit of crime scene with a bunch of cops. He's just like, okay, yeah, that's not helpful.

I'll switch. I'll switch. I'll do the black panther. Blam. And he just gets shot. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe just human. And then I switch like to add a moment. That is mental note. Panther, blam, and he just gets shot. Yeah, who's the see? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So every episode was just seven year old Noah screaming turn into a fucking flee for an hour.

I don't know man like call me cynical, but like if I had the power to change into any animal, I'll just change it to David Beckham and never change back. What the fuck? What's interesting? Are you a big like spice girls fan? Like what are you? What's happening? Are you big football fan? No. Why you don't have to be a football fan to be like, that dude's fucking hot. I would just change it as someone more attractive to myself. I'm not attractive, man. No question. I would just walk around being attractive instead of looking like this all day and just bending it. I feel like a huge chunky cat. So girls would rub my belly. bending it. I feel like a huge chunky cat. So girls would rub my belly. I got great news about what I currently am. Another interesting note about Manimal, the protagonist was a very

wealthy guy. So of course, wealthy guys, they wear a three piece suit everywhere. So every time he turned into a man, a animal, he would tear his clothes off, like literally ripping the fabric. But when he would change back, the clothes were back on and perfectly intact. And speaking of ripping a new one, the station decided to run this show up against Dallas at its height. So yeah, it was canceled after eight episodes. It was regarded as one of the worst sci-fi shows of all time. And one of the worst general TV shows of all time. Okay, but what did people think of Manimal Cecil? This next one sounds, well, to me it sounds dumb, but I think I'm probably going to get some pushback on that. You know that monster truck commercial where they say Sunday, Sunday,

Sunday. And they talk about like a four story tall car eating, breathing, like fire breathing trucka-saurus. They try to make a show about the trucka-saurus or whatever it's called. A show is called Steel Justice and it only had one episode, the failed pilot. The premise is that in a nearly apocalyptic future, a cop from the mean streets of, well, I couldn't find out. So let's just, I don't know, let's say Connecticut. Let's start on the mean streets of Stanford is not for justice. Steel justice. I am sold. Where can I watch this? Right? Yeah, to be clear, the number of acceptable truck usauruses in an episode about notably bad

TV shows. That's it's below one. Yeah, it is. It is. He does fight crime, but only this week and it's the whole state arena. The rest of the time, you're fucked. You're on your own. Anyway, here's what I could piece together from the plot. The protagonist's kid dies and according to one synopsis, the kid inhabits like a small mecha dinosaur toy. The hero's visited by a time traveler that tells him he had that the hero has this special power. That doesn't make it. What?

This amazing power be eye lasers, flight, super strength and visibility. No, he can morph small things into larger things. Yeah. And I'm going to pause a second here. So time can make an obligatory dick joke. Well, no, I don't want to see some. No, I don't want to. I can't go when you're looking. I can't. I'm watching. I'm watching. I'm watching. The future cop with the shapeshifting power decides to use his gift to fight crime and turn his son's toy carosaur into like a giant fire breathing carosaur. So he has the ability to make things larger and breathe fire.

Yes. Yeah. So yeah, you got to warn me of that ahead of time because otherwise this is a gun or a joke that the Tom has. Okay. I got that cleared up. No, I told you that it's cleared up. It's don't respect the robot. Choose through the bad guys that are just like kind of shoot a bunch of bullets in an enormous metal monster. The production budget for this was so high that they scrapped it. Scrapped metal.

I know. Anyway. Okay, forget it. It was a pilot and then never made it into a series. Oh, right. Well, I tracked down minimal and steel justice with a fortitude of an Israeli Nazi hunter. We'll take a quick break for a little apropos of nothing. You heard me, lady, the money of your life.

Oh, help me help me. Won't somebody help me? Stop right there. Manimal! That's right. I've spotted your crimes with my eagle eye. Here's an eagle. Ah! Oh fuck! You shot him!

Of course I shot him! He turned into an eagle to attack me! So it was blood! That's not fair! Look how is that not fair? I have a gun! I saw! Go on, Manimal!

Turn into a different animal! Call that one what? I mean, unless it's an animal that can't be shot, you know, I wouldn't recommend it. Yeah. He's dead. Yeah, Elg. So what can I have your purse?

Yeah, you sure I guess. I'm just gonna cancel the cards anyway. Yes, sure. It's like $8 in there. I don't even need the money. And we're back. We left off. Cecil was saying mean words about amazing ideas and I was very confused.

Cecil, please move on to some bad television shows. That's not going to stop because because you're gonna be conflicted. I think here's my prediction. People who listen to this will be conflicted for the rest of the episode and whether these are good or bad, okay? All of a sudden, there's gonna be these YouTube hits on these shows. Be like, what is this good again? What is happening?

What happened? Somebody's gonna repitch it to the producer. I don't know, it's got traction. We need a gritty reboot of Man. Why do you think of this cop rock thing? It has legs, guys. It's got legs. For this next batch, I wanted to talk about several TV shows and pilots that just have

like terrible promises. Now so far, we've heard some pretty bad ones, but these next few are really something else. So let's start with a lighthearted one. Poochinsky. Oh, Jesus. The main character, the actor who played Frankenstein's monster from young Frankenstein plays Stanley Poochinsky, a Chicago police detective with the most Chicago sounding name in history. Anyway, he dies in the line of duty and he's reincarnated into a bulldog. So like the breathing problems he had in life can follow him into the afterlife. I mean, he really isn't reincarnated.

It's this is like a fully grown dog. And in the synopsis of the show, it's like a very flatulent dog as well. The former partner of Stanley Puchinsky takes in the dog and he's like a crime fighting detective and they go on to fight crime. Do yourself a favor, listener. Actually, I, you know, can I just play this clip? Yeah. Yeah. I was going to play the 42nd. It's a 43 second trailer. I'm just going to play it and

listen up. Imagine a terrible puppet bulldog. This is not good taxidermy. It's like a bad taxidermy version of a bulldog. This is not puppet. Good taxidermy. It's like a bad taxidermy version of a bulldog. Is he gonna fart though? Cause it's far too good. Oh yeah, he fart. Peter Boyle is a tough,

ill-mannered cop who has run down in the line of duty. Oh. But that's not the end of his story. No, no. He's reincarnated. So judgey. Ha! Surprise! As a street-wise bulldog in Puchinsky.

What are you gonna do now? Well, first I'm gonna try licking myself, and then I'm gonna catch my cover. The talking dog teams up with his astonished former partner to put the bite on crime. It's touching. Look at me. I become a dog. It's all sitting in there. It's brilliant.

It's life. It's precious life. It's unforgettable. You're a dog. I'm a cop. This is ridiculous. That's the best. Okay.

Okay, everybody. That's the best 43 seconds of your life. And it's a good one. It's a good one. It's a good one. It's a good one. It's a good one. It's a good one. That's the best, okay, okay, everybody. That's the best 43 seconds of your life. And Tom, that's your cue to make a sex joke. Okay, I feel typecast. I feel, now I want to, like a radar O'Reilly gritty rewrite.

You want to wind up and say, I'm sorry. I cannot believe that they didn't fucking make this. They made 900 seasons of great fucking anatomy. that they didn't fucking make this. They made 900 seasons of great fucking anatomy and they couldn't give me this. I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to kill myself. It's awful. I would like to ask a little bit. It's literally impossible. I'm going to talk after you do that. This next one is right off the what the fuck tree. It's the secret diary of Desmond Fyfer. Story is about a black English lord that flees England because of gambling tets to a pre-civil war America. I guess really close to the civil war America because he gets hired as Abraham Lincoln's

personal valet and Lincoln was in office for like a month before they first shot of the Civil War. The show then depicted Lincoln with a stereotypical gay affectations and everyone else on this staff is incompetent alcoholics. Before or at least the NAACP protested the show outside paramount, the show had only nine episodes and then was canceled by UPN. Wow. The show had only nine episodes and then was canceled by UPN. Wow. Well, that's a TV equivalent of being fired from a volunteer position. UPN. I have no idea how it failed.

Here's the synopsis for the first episode, guys. Quote, Lincoln engages in telegraph sex with a woman he's never seen. So like, don't stop. Stop. What? Stop. Don't stop, stop, stop. Stop. What? Who comes first? Oh, amazing. Confusing. Here's a reality TV flop called, who's your daddy? This fucking horrible show was originally pitched as a series, filmed as a series, but instead just aired as a 90 minute pilot on Fox. So it was basically canceled before

it even aired. The premise is simple. An adult that was given up for adoption as a child is put in a room with multiple people pretending to be their biological fuck. Cool. The contestant, he helps his great. The contestant would then talk to each and get to know them when the contestant finally guessed who was their actual father. They would either guess correctly and get $100,000 or guess incorrectly. And the person they picked would get $100,000. But the producers weren't too cruel.

The person that would be reunited with their bio dad, regardless of who they picked would get a hundred thousand dollars, but the producers weren't too cruel. The person that would be reunited with their bio dad, regardless of who they picked. Jesus Christ. Well, yeah, I mean, shit, you know what they say? You can't pick your family, especially if they didn't want you. The TV show. Jesus Christ is such a mean show. It's so mean. Why take my pills?

Like a waste of whatever is in them. Fox again tried to stretch some boundaries with this next one. Whoops. Post-apocalyptic sitcom about six survivors of a nuclear holocross. The title is whoops. The title is whoops. Tiddle a little close to home at the moment. Just yeah, I know that the premise is that at a military parade where I guess they have like real nukes going down the road to get to the remote control car accidentally kill the whole world in nuclear fire.

Six survivors, eat out a terrible existence in a farmhouse. Oh, players were a former schoolteacher, a homeless man, a venture capitalist, a biologist, a feminist, and a hair salon employee. Oh, wait a minute, a feminist. Like, is that a job? Like, oh, right. Yeah, where are you? Oh, I'm a biologist. Oh, and you?

Oh, well, I believe women are people. And that takes all day. It's so exhausting. It's hard to imagine such a stellar idea falling for it, especially after hearing this in obsis for episode 10, quote, Christmas is approaching, but it's not the same as the nuclear cost is doing much of the world's evergreen population. Sure. That's a big drawback. That's the big trouble. That's the big trouble. That's the big trouble. There's where, there's where, there's where,

the group finds Santa Claus. As visited the group, but appears to trust. Santa later reveals to the group that he is suffering survivor's guilt as his workshop in the North Pole had a fallout shelter, but the door slam shot and Mrs. Claus and all the else were unable to get I guess Santa needed to learn to put bros before

Root off with your nose so bright actually that's no help at all We're all gonna go over the dark capture this. It's not really gonna matter anymore. Oh my gosh, that's an amazing idea. That's so good. Yeah, it's so funny. Okay, cancel, that's crazy. That was so good. So good.

People don't understand art. It's just humanity. It's just it's humanity. Well, radiation and tooth fairy comes every day. Oh, yeah. Let's turn it up on this next one. This next one has 21 episodes. It was on UPN in 1996. Is it touchy story of two young black astronauts, Ty and Morris, as they fly around space in a lower order called the space hoop. Yeah.

Oh god. It's going to get worse. It's going to get worse. Here we go. The car has a female computer AI called Laquixia. And in the first episode, they return home from their trip to Jackson five. You get the idea. The show is called Homeboys in Outer Space.

No. And look, I'm not saying a show like this can't work. It's just that this one didn't to quote one reviewer quote, the show might actually work with the right sort of sloppy impotence, but the writing, acting and production feel merely sloppy and different end quotes. Well, yeah, we're talking about a group of people collectively that couldn't make fire breathing crime fighting truck dinosaur work. So yeah, this is a little beyond that. I guess that's true. Okay. Okay, I'm a fish. I'm going to make it through this. I want to end with this one. It's called what you got there, Cecil. It's called it's called

Hylhoney Oh no the fuck any is it Seriously that's the title of a show It's called Hylhoney a moment it's a person Come about a pre-World War II Adolf and Lauren H. Who live next to a huge couple. They've the gold stance.

Amazing. I'm living in the producer. Okay, so no, no, I want to say that the show, the producer, the show, is supposed to be mocking American sitcoms. That's according to the creator. The show did air. The pilot was played on the BBC. The show was shot and it shot eight episodes, but they were never shown on TV.

Okay, now that is a legitimate war crime. And once you, once, once you hear the plot, now let's do the plot, the plot, the plot, this is the pilot plot. That could be the name of it also. Okay. The pilot was that Neville Chamberlain was coming over to the hitlers and Adolf didn't want the goldstein center up, but the Jewish neighbors find out and then crash the party. Some of the characters get drunk and they dance a congal line with everyone chanting, I came, I saw I con good. They dance in the living room while Hitler hides the peace for our time agreement in the ice bus. Oh my gosh. Historical reference. Thanks.

Yeah. And if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, Cecil, what would it be? I didn't learn anything to substitute you. Yeah. And are you ready for the quiz? I came. I saw I con good. All right. Cecil, other than the Vax of life with Kevin Sorbo and his family slowly dying in pain.

What's the most popular TV show about anti-vaxxers? Hey, how to get away with murder? B, hydroxychloroquines gambit. Nice. All right. Yeah. C, Magyver Mecton. Or D Tucker pass into it. Oh, no. They're all so good. Finniggins wake. I gotta say,

fucking, I've never seen Queen's Gambit, so I can't go for B, but Maghiver Mecton, I'm standing on my chair applauding you, it's fucking brilliant. I'm a guy from Mecton. No, it was actually Tucker Crosson tonight, the number one radio cable. Two real heath, two real. Just as we see for the bit to work. All right, C. So clearly there is something deeply wrong with TV producers, not because these shows all failed, but because a elf, a story about a secret pussy eating muppet alien that a

suburban family keeps as a secret pet lasted four seasons. Four, huh? Be Harry in the Henderson's a show where Bigfoot secretly lives with a family in the suburbs, lasted three seasons. That was a movie. It's all TV show three seasons. Okay. All right.

Huh. A C small wonder, a very disturbing show about a family who goes full steppered wives with a robot daughter they dress as they're made and hide in their suburban home. Lasted four seasons, and day full house, a show where a family is brainwashed into believing David Koolier is a comedian. Lasted eight seasons. And in fact, recently relaunched. Tom, seriously cut it out. Oh, fuck and kill you. All of the above. All of the above so hard. Oh, so good. All right, Cecil, which of the following pilot pitches about our Motley crew is the best idea? Hey, the one where we're all dolphins, Martin Luther is the best idea. Hey, the one where we're all dolphins, cetacean needed.

Cetacean needed exactly the one where we're all vampires, biteation needed. Jesus. Or see the one where we all have the same politics as Joe Rogan white nation needed. Oh, I love seeing it so good. I mean, I don't like it. I don't like it, but I said, the same politics.

Sun Fox. All right. So, Cecil, I have one for you. Which was the most depressing fact for a TV show writer to come to grips with in the late 90s? A, the fact that the most popular work in your field was self-described as being about nothing. B, the fact that the assholes who in your field was self described as being about nothing. Be the fact that the assholes who wrote full house were almost certainly more successful

than you. Sorry, sorry, Heath. See, the Oklahoma City bombing, it was hard on all of this. It was really kind of scary. Or the rise of reality TV proving that shows weren't demonstrably worse without writing it all. Oh, Jesus, it's fucking D, isn't it? It is D, yeah, it's gonna be really good. Well, before Cecil starts counting our podcasting chickens,

I'd like to announce him the winner. And I will announce Noah as next week's essayist. Great. All right, well, for Tom, Noah, Cecil, and Heath, I'll be live, Bosnick, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, Noah will be an expert on something else.

Between now and then, you can read literally thousands of great novels and poems for free. Like, there's worlds to explore, there's beauty and vision, and it's all at your fingertips. Also, the Jersey Shore is back. No, no. And even like to help keep this show going,

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Be sure to check out citationpod.com. media or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com. Well, like, Zing Zang patty Wang. Right? He's, ah, he's, come on, man, to show us over. We got it. We got to turn this back into the podcast. Can I have, can I have, can I have, can I have, can I have, can you give me like 10 more minutes?

Dude, the episode is over. See, so please, can I have, can I have, can I have, can I have, can I have, You're not going to be able to do that.