Citation Needed - Tsar Bomba

Episode Date: July 11, 2018

Tsar Bomba (Russian: Царь-бо́мба, tr. Tsar'-bómba, IPA: [t͡sarʲ ˈbombə], lit. Tsar Ivan bomb/King of Bombs;) was the Western nickname for the Soviet RDS-220 hydrogen bomb��(code name Ivan[3] or Vanya), the most powerful nuclear weapon ever created. Its test on 30 October 1961 remains the most powerful explosive ever detonated. It was also referred to as Kuzma's mother (Russian: Ку́зькина ма́ть, tr. Kúz'kina mát', IPA: [ˈkusʲkʲɪnə ˈmatʲ]),[4] possibly referring to First secretary Nikita Khrushchev's promise to show the United States a Kuzma's mother (an idiom roughly translating to "We'll show you!") at a 1960 session of United Nations General Assembly.[5][6] Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

So you drink the bourbon out of the bone? Yeah. Oh, it sounds amazing. Oh, it was amazing. All right, but at what point is it no longer eating? Like, I mean, like, when are you just an animal standing atop a pile of bones? I don't know.

Know what sometime after this. Yeah, so, okay, do they salt it? Or like, how does it work? Guys, guys, I came up with an amazing way to get everyone to listen to our podcast. I'm gonna already say no, so whatever. That's a good go.

Okay, heath negative. You know how lots of podcasts get like super well-known by picking fights with other bigger podcasts? And then like people listen so they can follow the feud. That works for literally nobody Eli. Well, that is a bomb. That's a bomb. Guys, I said no. So silly. It's not a bomb. It's the remote detonator for a bomb. Not better. The bomb is over at the competition. There it is. Okay, Eli, Eli. Listen to me very carefully.

Whenever you've done, we can just undo it. Just not do it. Just not activate that. And we'll be activated it like three hours ago. See this? Oh, he's known to whatever he says. No, I was just coming to show you guys the remote is what I was doing.

Okay, everybody, escape plan Bravo already on it You do your fake IDs everybody. Yeah, yeah Okay, see you guys in Mexico. Okay guys Aren't you at least curious who I bombed? That's the lot Not even a dollop. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now.

I'm Eli, and I'll be the ZAR tonight, but I'll need some bombas. First up, two men who would never call out their dear dear friend for a lazy intro, Keith and Tom. Yeah, that's true. I'd never do that. two men who would never call out their dear dear friend for a lazy intro Keith and Tom. That's true. I'd never do that. You're fat. We're fat. Okay, let's not lazy shame.

Lazy is an identity. I'm actually polyslaw. Oh, you know, there was actually there was going to be a parade but there wasn't. Yeah. So, and also joining us tonight, the nerds keeping this group project to float, Noah and Cecil. Yeah. Yeah, keeping things to float is only one of the many qualities Cecil and I share with the Monix sewer clowns. Yeah, that, the dead lights, you're right.

Yeah. Now, before we begin the show tonight, I want to take a moment to thank our patrons. We are blown away by your megatons of generosity. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks and get access to all sorts of cool behind-the-scenes stuff, including Patreon Only Minisodes, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And without other way, tell us, Tom, what person-place-thing concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? All right today we'll be talking about Sarbumba Bamba. Lava Bamba. There we, all right. Sar, Sarbamba.

Sar, Sarbamba. Sar, Sarbamba. Bamba. I'm also part of this three best friends. And let's never do that again. You can't put lightning back in the bottle, buddy. And let's never do that again. You can't put lightning back in the bottle, buddy. Next time we're all together, I've got Zarr Bomba, shirts made up hats.

Keep trying to drop it into conversation. You're just trying to get us on an airplane so we can die like Richie Valens together. This is because Heath wouldn't play that he's got a bomb game with me on the 50s for you today. No, he yelled at us. Anyways, Noah, you selfishly used an article that you wrote for yourself this week. Are you ready to drop some knowledge on us? Ready to drop it like it's thermonuclear, Eli. So tell us, Noah, what was the Zarbamba?

Zarbamba was the largest nuclear weapon ever created and it's test remains the largest explosion in history that doesn't involve planetary collisions, volcanism, stars collapsing, or the creation of space time. Feels like you're about to tell us about like a museum slash gas station in Alabama, like next to the world's largest ball of I think I'd go there Okay largest explosion so far guys

Wait until the midterms. Yeah, well no North Korea is not a threat anymore Trust me. I got it. I got it. I could have thought All right, so first a bit of a nuclear history lesson because if anybody on this show is qualified to discuss nuclear physics, they'd be doing the essay instead of me. So the first time bomb, we're all stupid. So the first atomic bomb was detonated in 1945 in Alamogorn, on New Mexico. And at the time, that seemed like a pretty big deal. At a yield of about 20 kilotons, it was by far the largest explosion ever created by humankind.

Now, that being said, comparing it to modern nuclear weapons is a firecrackers to dynamite comparison. Ooh, ooh, SAT style. As is ancient to railroad building Chinese people. Firecrackers dynamite. You got to, you take it and you write my jokes down and then you look them and you'll be like, okay, I like it. As Hillary's non-encrypted yoga emails are to locking kids in cages. This is why we got rid of the analogy section. This is not a fun game. So by 1949, the Soviets ended the US monopoly on nuclear weapons with Joe one, which is the name the Americans gave to the first successful Russian nuclear test. And since huge fucking bomb was the limit of US military strategy at the time, we immediately

set about creating a bomb that would render the current nuclear bombs obsolete. I love this race to make something more destructive thing we have going with Russia. We're doing it with presidents right now. And winning. Yep. At first it was mine shafts. Now we're focused on the mine comp. Yeah.

But dead. I want to destroy the world. Now son, you can already destroy it. I want to destroy the world. Now, son, you can already destroy it. I want to destroy it bigger. Oh, okay. And indeed, that was our foreign policy. Yeah.

And the result of that policy was the thermonuclear bomb, commonly known as the hydrogen bomb or the H bomb. Now, I can't go into a whole lot of detail on how these differ from regular atomic bombs because that's complicated and it has a lot of science. But if you want detailed instructions on exactly how they're built, I'm pretty sure Michael Cohen can do that for you for a promise. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I've got this one. See, thermo comes from the Latin root thermos.

So the thermo nucleus is like a nuclear weapon that has coffee in it. That's so, that's thermos nuclear. Exactly. So, okay. Anyway, the first of this new breed of weapons was tested in 1952 and with a yield of 10 megatons, remember the first one was measured in kilotons, it marked a new era in killing all sapient life on earth. Now, the bomb and all the cryogenic equipment it needed weighed in at about 82 tons.

And not like this was a deployable weapon, but the concept was proven. The stage thermonuclear design worked. You're building that. He's just like, oh yeah, Russia, bring your entire population to the middle of this desert and say that. You see? You can totally save all this military escalation by allowing whatever bomb you want to build, but the delivery method has to be a trebuchet. Great. If you're not in South Korea, right?

Yeah. Or an angry bird has to, you know, like grip it by the husk. The bomb goes off and you're fine just laughing at him. It's like, oh, fuck, they're wearing hard hats. We didn't, shit. We didn't. Now, the good news is that after that, humankind would never develop a more powerful type of bomb. The bad news is that's only because there is no more powerful type of bomb

even theoretically. Right? The yield of an age bomb is limited only by its size and feel. So you could conceivably build one big enough to blow up the entire planet, which someone will basically try to do before this story is over. Is is it me? No, it sounds like a me kind of thing. Now Eli buddy, I think the world is safe from you building any device that requires like scientific and mathematical accuracy or the use of any tool of any kind. What's your last name? Eli built a helium bomb.

You remember that at the Jambane Ramsey platinum. Announce nuclear. Pronounce nuclear. Glular. They just keep going to a more and more powerful type of Bob. But a certain point we're just going to abandon the megaton and just work our way into larger and larger. Yo mama. Yeah. The arms are such a fucked up game. It's just like an escalating series of, of diagrams of how I'm going to flip the monopoly

board and showing it to the other guy. You're doing birds and slingshots. Fun. No, fun. Check this out. Look at my blueprint. I'm going to murder the Parker brothers, destroy their factory and melt the entire world of board games.

Deal with that. All right. So, now, before we move on to the Russians, we have to talk about one more American nuclear test, and that would be the notorious Castle Bravo test. This took place at Bikini a Tall in March of 1954, and at 15 megatons, it was the largest weapon ever tested by the United States. Your mama's so fat that her bikini weighs 15 megatons. Your mom is so ugly.

She paid a toll to wear a bikini. That's hot. I think we all paid that toll time. Ah. Ah. All right. So to put that in perspective, usually for whatever reason, nuclear bombs are described in terms of how many times more powerful they are than the bombs we dropped on here Ashima and Nagasaki

Yeah, and that strikes me as a a bad move, right? That's like German people measuring things in Holocaust like just say 18 million This one guys like oh man, one at work today. It was like a six plantation day today. It was like a six plantation day. I feel like that was definitely overheard in the Goldman Sachs elevator that I just checked. Like, how much did you clear on that trade?

Oh, like five low end holocausts, an Amistad Hall and do nothing for Puerto Rico. I'm like, something like that. All right, so here's the thing though. holocaust uh... and i'm a stodd hall and uh... do nothing for port like that are it so but here's the thing though even a measure is fucked up is that is useless when you start hitting fifteen megatons are it was more than a thousand times as powerful as those bombs that took out whole cities

the mushroom cloud from the crack castle bravo test reached a height of forty seven thousand feet and a height of 47,000 feet and a diameter of seven miles. It left a crater 6,500 feet in diameter and 250 feet deep and the fireball was visible from 250 miles away. Holy shit. And the road runner just zips out the other side. That's a bad shot for him. It was Acme rockets have leveled the fuck up, but never quite enough. 6,500 feet in diameter. That's Yomamas foot pool. Now obviously the US was expecting a big explosion, but they weren't expecting that.

In fact, the yield of the castle bravo bomb was about three times what the scientists were predicting, and that combined with an inauspicious shift in the weather, turned this into one of the biggest radiological disasters in history. Larry, did you carry the fucking three? Three in metric or sorry, I just got hard to build some O rings for NASA. I was in the lead. It was. Can we just pause too far? Can we just like pause for a second? Remember that there was a time when we didn't have to rank our radiological disasters?

Yes. That's great. Not a tuberculosis factor, but it was great. So the resulting cloud contaminated a 7,000 square mile swath of the Pacific Ocean. Two islands to the east of the detonation were evacuated. Others weren't though. And natives of the Marshall Islands got a lot of funny looking kids out of the deal. They also eventually got some financial assistance from the US government, but I'm sure they'd

be willing to trade that back for like the correct number of eyes. Yeah. Okay. Hold on, though, did we give them more eyes or less? That's because if it's more, you're welcome. Welcome. All right. Anyway, the whole time the US has tested bombs big enough to destroy a whole states.

The Soviets are looking at their own puny little bombs that can only destroy large cities and they're getting a little jealous. But since their scientists are inferior to ours, rather than figured out for themselves, they stole it again or they stole parts of it and figured out the other stuff for themselves. But one way or the other, we made it through the game without using the playthrough and they didn't. But within a year of Castle Bravo, the Russians were testing thermonuclear bombs of their own.

They're most of the recipe and they're stuck guests in the rest. Hey, Boris, what's a nine-letter word for atomic number 94? And it's not like you wrote. That's stupid. Also use a fucking pencil if you're stupid. Then and we're doing all caps, obviously. It's a lower case than a cross. Who does that?

All right. So by now, of course, the castle bravo thing is infamous all over the world. It's actually said to be the inspiration for the first Godzilla movie for Fox sake. And if there is anything Nikita Kruzschev hated, it was somebody being seen as more monstrous than him. So he decides he wants to outdo Godzilla. And immediately after the first successful Russian thermonuclear test, he orders a scientist to get to work on a hundred megaton bomb. A hundred megaton bomb. What? And he he strap the lizard to it? What happened next? And a literal bag of dicks because, you know, long shop and how cool that be a dick zillow.

Obviously amazing. Always roll the dice on dick zoo. To be fair, the only a pussy would have been deterred by just a 15 megaton bomb. I mean, do you even annihilate, bro? Now luckily for Earth, cooler heads prevailed because fuck knows what a bomb that size might have done. A cruise ship was pretty adamant about it because a hundred sounds really big, but scientists were afraid of the fallout and nobody in the Soviet Air Force wanted to volunteer to drop a nuclear bomb. They couldn't possibly outrun before being incinerated by it.

Jesus. Also, they didn't want to unleash Kutulu. So eventually they played in a cruise ship. And they designed a bomb with a 50 megaton yield that could theoretically be upgraded to a hundred megatons if they added a tamper to it. But because they only built the one bomb, that capacity would never be demonstrated. All right, well, that sounds like the bomb. We're gonna have to delay this.

Knowledge explosion. Just a bit longer. For a little ditty, we like to call Appropoe of nothing. Yes, you're coming. You wanted to start a sub-tate on the project. The biggest bomb ever ever? Yes, how is going? Well, good news first is definitely the biggest bomb ever ever.

Wonderful, wonderful, and what is bad news. So bad news, kind of same as good news, is biggest bomb ever. Okay. And therefore we can't move it, can't wrap it, we can really only sit where we built it and maybe blow up us. Oh, so this is bummer. Can we build maybe in America and then blow up us? Oh, so this is bummer. Can we build maybe in America and then blow up there? Again, it's very, very big, not likely.

No. Okay, so then how can we use it? Well, we could threaten to blow ourselves up with it. That's it. We threaten to kill ourselves. We could try. Now, listen here, Nikolai. I'm the president of the United States and you can't hold our people hostage like this.

Tell us what you want and we can work together. No, why don't you go back to her? Let me do it, bomb what I do. Why, why you care? Aw, Nikolai, you know, China meant nothing to me. Then why you make trade deals with her? I thought of you the whole time. I find you attractive.

Did not. And we're back. When we last left off, we'd listen to Havana say about a bomb that barely got mentioned. So are we gonna blow this fucking thing up now or what? Eventually, Eli, but just for being impatient, first I'm gonna list a bunch of other names it was known by. In America, we generally refer to it as Sarbamba, but in Russian, it's alternatively called Big Ivan Vanya, Kuzgina Mat project 7000 product

code 202 and article designations RDS 220 RDS 202 RN 202 and AN602 and the CIA designated it as Joe 111. Yeah, use a long pointless list to make the show. We all make money off of more boring battle. That'll show me. I don't teach me. You know, if you start typing that directly into Heath's Pornhub bar, it auto fills all of that. That's important, no.

I mean, I watch a lot of stuff. Mostly just a Russian lady licking a piece of uranium next to a mic and slowly dying. It's just cutting it all into nice even strips It is pretty soft crackle. Yeah, you got it. It's a pretty sweet way to help you fall asleep Traction, okay, and the bomb nobody asked the bomb the bomb water to be called Zay But we have a little something called free speech in this country Patreon com forward slash citation pod we can hate trans people too.

All right. So Eli, a nicer opening question that wouldn't have led me to that boring list might have gone something like when we last left off Soviet scientists had talked, cruise chef back from the hundred megaton ledge, but we're still talking about a ridiculously big bomb right to which I would have answered. Oh, absolutely, Eli. Thanks for asking. Both in yield and in actual size.

So the bomb itself is over 25 feet long and weighed over 60,000 pounds. Right. So let's have a bomb and more of a Vegas buffet. Really? Yes. Yeah, but the crazy thing is the bomb actually started out as like two inches across and three and a half pounds But they kept getting encased in progressively larger bombs Thermal

the works we are laughing all together at that jerk asking no further questions. Next. I mean, this thing just sounds like what the world needs. It's a world ending weapon owned by a culture who routinely has to strap dash cam to their cars because they can't figure out how to drive peacefully. Yeah, right. All right. So even after the Bob is built, the scientists are trying to talk cruise chef out of testing it, right? Keep in mind that Caso Bravo was mostly remembered

not for being the largest nuclear test to date, but for being a fucking radiological disaster. The follow-up from that test was uncontained and caused radiation sicknesses over thousands of square miles, and this bomb was more than three times that size. Yeah, and they only had one bomb and one batch of fuel and they gave it to different soldiers and then sent them both in fact. But the fallout was uncontained. Really? No shit.

Come, Red, did you bring the seven mile wide lead ziplock band? No, what are we going to do with all these leftovers? Wow. All right. So ultimately though, Krushchev decided that there's no point in having the biggest dick on the block if you can't swing it around. So he orders the test to go forward on October 30th of 1961. The site is on Severenia Island, which is the giant dildo look in island that sits

north of the Russian mainland stretching out into the Arctic like it's trying to fuck Santa Claus. Why? It's a dildo out of dick. Well, because it's huge. It's huge. It's huge. I don't want to give Russia a dick that big.

I mean, nervous. It's fun. Also, you're using it on Santa Claus. You don't want to fuck Santa Claus. So, okay. So basically this island is as un-and-how but as you can get, but still, it's a 50 megaton bomb. Right.

But luckily for us, Sarah Pillens mom had her binoculars out. She's a lot of US darning news. Yeah. All right. So the play that carried this thing has to be specially retrofitted, not just to hold the comically gigantic bomb, but also to fly high enough to drop it and still get the fuck out of the way before being vaporized. They also, they had to add a 1700 pound parachute to the bomb to give the airplane a little

extra time. 17, 1700 pounds. In fact, the plane that they used wasn't even a bomber. Since none of the Soviet bombers could hold enough fuel to carry this big-ass bomb far enough Away from a military base to set it off safely. Your mom is so fat. She asked the dressing room lady if they carry a size 1800 pound pair of shoes. Your mom is so ugly. They had make a special plane just to get away from her Guys, can I ask are we doing this in case anyone sends our podcast back in time and we want to.

All right so two planes take off from an airfield in the colo peninsula early that morning uh... one to carry the bomb the other to film the test what I call photo plane yeah right and I call fly the fuck away as fast as I can play no back. All right. So now both of these planes are covered, like coated with a special reflective white paint to minimize heat damage because when you're dealing with a 50 megaton bomb, there's no such thing as a minimum safe distance. According to the article, the crews of both planes were given about a 50% chance of surviving

this test. Pilot leaves that morning, maybe Meg Deener, just in case, but not like huge thing. Don't get like crazy. Oh, honey, you seem worried. I don't know, I'll be fine. They painted the airplane. That's what?

Oh, no, they painted it white. They painted it white. You still seem worried, yeah. What the fuck? I got one of those silvery things to block the windshield. Yes. I can find a shady spot. I'll crack the window.

So they dropped the bomb from a height of six and a half miles in a haul last. The bomb is designed to detonate when it reaches four kilometers above the surface, about two and a half miles. So the plane manages to get almost 30 miles away before it detonates. The shock wave is so severe that the planes instantly drop more than a half mile down, but luckily both of the pilots managed to recover and both of the planes land safely back at the base. And the pilot just looks at the call pilots, like, I'll roll down a window. I actually don't, don't do that. Parts. So now speaking of parts, initial estimates of the bomb put the yield up between 55 and 60 megatons. Um, though Russian sources always say 51 original calculations suggested

that the fireball would reach the ground and now keep in mind it's exploding from a couple of miles up. But the shockwave from the explosion actually prevented that bounced off of the surface of the earth and pushed the fireball back up. What? Yeah, not to dim that. I'd like for them to know. But yeah, that would be nice. Well, you got to think that that's why you got to try these things.

So not nothing that matters by the way that the fireball didn't reach the grass, not like the ground was safe. Everything below was vaporized one way or the other, but that did cause the fireball to rise way higher than expected, nearly reaching the height from which they dropped the fucking thing. The flash from this was visible at least 600 miles away. Oh my god. And probably further, but because the area is so sparsely populated, that's as far away as anybody can confirm.

You know, I'm so fat which takes her shirt off. The flash is visible 600 miles away. The mom is so ugly, which takes her shirt off the flashes visible 600 miles away. The mama's so ugly, which takes her shirt off, she vaporizes everything in sight. All right, I want to play. Your mom's so fat when she gets vaporized, the GOP denied her contribution to global warming. Good, good try though, good try. All right. Your mom's dead.

I don't know. I don Good try. All right. Your mom's dead. All right. So the resulting mushroom cloud rose to about 40 miles in height. That's about seven times the height of Mount Everest as the wiki helpfully points out. The base of this mushroom cloud is about 25 miles wide. There was a village about 35 miles from ground zero. And I do mean was it had been evacuated before the test, which is good because every building in it was destroyed. In districts, over 100 miles away, wooden houses were leveled and stone houses lost their roofs and radio communications were interrupted for almost an hour. The camera pans back and there's just three pigs sobbing over wooden houses and stone houses. They're hugging each other.

The three perfectly cooked pieces of bacon just standing there. Just a Turkish angry bird laughing at them. Like, that's like an Armenian genocide. Allegedly, allegedly exaggerating. This is crazy. I've been playing all the top 40 hits. We're going to take a quick break for a little terrifying apocalyptic silence while I do a quick trial run on ending the world. You're right. show that the explosion could have caused third degree burns from more than 60 miles away. Windows were broken more than 500 miles away too because of something called atmospheric lensing. Don't ask me.

The explosion was like way overperformed and windows were breaking in Norway and Finland from this motherfucker. Sensors in the US could still pick up the shock waves after they are third shrimp around the world. People are just like, whoa, dude, what happened to your face? Oh, the burns. Yeah, I was an hour drive away from a bomb exploding. Right.

Well, my windows broke on the interstate. Your mama's so fat. She causes atmospheric lensings. I love so fat when she died, it was considered ethnic lensing. Oh, God. Your mama's so ugly. So Pat, when she died, it was considered ethnic lensing. Yo, mom is so ugly. She's, oh, she's got third degree burns. Fuck, man, I'm really sorry about your mom.

Shit. You're bad about it now. All right. So as I already said, when they set this thing off, it produced the largest explosion ever created by humans. And it's impossible to actually get your head around how big a fucking boom we're talking about here. But there are a few stats in the Wikipedia article that helped a bit. So this explosion was about 1500 times the combined power of the bombs we dropped on here, Rashima and Nagasaki. Do you have that in whales during the trills?

That would be 260 gigawales. Yeah, I thought that. Come on, come on, let's be positive. It was the size of saving millions of Americans. That's the best. All right, a couple more stats here. Sarbama contained 10 times the combined energy of all the conventional explosive used in World War II.

Jesus. Put together. It contained a quarter of the estimated yield of the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa. And this one blew my fucking mind. This one nuclear test accounts for about 10% of the combined yield of all nuclear test to date. There have been over 2, all nuclear tests to date. There have been over 2000 nuclear tests to date. You're fucking up the curve, man. Pretty good to return on investment. Eventually, these bombs will count for all life on the planet.

That's true. That's true. Like, I got his testing, really the right word. Like, aren't we just showing off at this point? Like, you like Taking a fucking selfie in front of the mushroom cloud Duck lips outing stupidly at the camera like trying to find a filter for atomic backlighting Fuck say South Korean Instagram has that one. Yeah Now in the immediate aftermath of the test world leaders rushed a condemnate of course, Russia and Chinese media didn't even mention it. Though they did spend a lot of time harping on an underground test. The US had carried out the day before.

So they were good and bad people on both sides is what they're saying. But her emails and if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, Noah, what would it be? That would be. If you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, Noah, what would it be? That would be, that's fair. That's fair. Okay. Are you ready for the quiz?

I think so, sir. Okay. This bomb is owned by Russia. Just think about that. Why is that a problem? Russia. A in Russia, selfies with wild bears are an actual thing. That's true.

B, 25% of Russian men die before the age of 55. That number is worse than among those who drink three or more half liters of vodka a week. See, the rich in Moscow drive ambulances to avoid traffic jams. D like you wouldn't do that. I the one will saw me one or you're behind one, though, that's the past. That is. Oh, Roddy, there is no word for fun in Russian. I have a feeling like there's no wrong answer here, but I'm going to go with

E all of the above. That's, let's go with that. It's true. Yeah, it's terrifying. Now, Noah, I've never met your mom. She listens to the show. She must be a wonderful lady, but I've got to read this question to me. Your mama has a lot of other qualities, which in the following match into the dumpster size earn you'll keep her asses in. Hey, your mama. So ugly when she plays mortal combat scorpion shout stay over there. I'm joking. Your mama so claseless, she's a Marxist utopia. Very smart joke.

The mama so fat, the sorting hat put her in the walkie-talkie. Or D, your mama so old, she had a separate entrance for black dance. Who does? Amazing. All right, those are awesome, great, yo mama, Joach, that I'm sure you came up with on your own. I did not come up with any of those. We might have, oh, Joach, look at this show.

These are for that. I was so proud of you. I was going to be like, yeah, I didn't write any of these. I'm going to do so much. I'm going to do so much. All right, I'm going to go with since she is listening. I'm sure my mom would want to be associated with the smartest joke. I'm going to go with B, your mom is so glassless, she's a Marxist utopia.

I'm going to give you credit for finding that joke. That's how proud I am of that joke. I'm not gonna be brought into my attention. These are amazing and my life isn't riched by knowing that. They're all really funny. They got people, they're really funny. You've never wrote them. Great job.

It's their great joke. Those people are comedians. Welcome back to the dollop. We're gonna do it. The only thing that's got to do is we're both plagiarists. No, we're not. No, we're not. We're not gonna be our friends.

I know it wants to be our fucking friend. It's fine. It's fine. I've tweeted you Pete Holmes, you know, listen. T-T-T-T. All right. No, which of the following is the most genocide friendly way to report a tragically large death toll? Oh, fuck.

A, the GDP of the Confederate States. T-T-T-T. B, 6.0 times 10 to the sixth Jewish people or six megajews. Oh, God. Or see an episode of this podcast. I don't want to. I'm gonna go with B, 6.0 times 10 to the sixth Jewish people.

The, no, did, correct. Yeah, that's it. That is correct. Well, Noah, nobody bested you. So you are the winner and you get to pick next week's essayist. Alright, let's see Cecil said to me and shit about, but no, I'm gonna go with Tom. I'm gonna go with Tom. We just need the one who comes after me on this.

That's right. Alright, well, alright, we'll be back next week and by then, Tom will be an expert on something else. Between now and then you can listen to Heath pun, no escape and myself interrupt both of them, over on God of a movie, is the Skeptocrat and the Skaithing Atheist. And if you wanna hear Tom and Cecil break down

all that's bizarre and vulcanizing, check out Cognitive Dissonance. And if you'd like to help keep the show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpot.com.

And remember, when the big one goes, the Vine Stars will die too. Niki, Niki, don't do this. Niki, talk to me. There's nothing to talk about. Niki! Aw. Aw. Nicky, Nicky, don't do this, Nicky talk to me. There's nothing to talk about.

Nicky, aw, aw.