Citation Needed - Typhoid Mary

Episode Date: July 18, 2018

Mary Mallon (September 23, 1869 – November 11, 1938), also known as Typhoid Mary, was an Irish-American cook. She was the first person in the United States identified as an asymptomatic carrier of the pathogen associated with typhoid fever. She was presumed to have infected 51 people, three of whom died, over the course of her career as a cook.[1] She was twice forcibly isolated by public health authorities and died after a total of nearly three decades in isolation.[2][3] Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

So why didn't no one want to see us? Do you know, I don't know. He just said to be here early. So I just, I just listen and show up. Hey, guys. Hey, no, it's up. So look, today we're doing typhoid Mary on the show. And after the tolls, the riots and the typing rebellion, I want to make sure that we're a little

bit careful. Okay. What do you mean, careful? Well, it just seems that people have been a little confused lately. I mean, we joke about everything because we have to joke about everything. But I think this week it's important that we keep in mind. We're telling an immigrant story, but not just an immigrant story. We're telling the story of a woman who was ill, who lacked education, and who probably

didn't know any better. And so while we can joke today, I think it's important that we be a little careful in how we address this subject. I guess I see sense of about it. That makes sense. Top of the morning to you gentlemen, I'm being a poopy and you're soupy, I'm afraid. Right away. 21 seconds.

Exactly. I was keeping a stopwatch. Yeah, no, I'm actually, stopwatch Yes, no I'm actually I'm not sure how we have this talk Okay, but there's soup Where's soup? Hello and welcome to Citation Native, the podcast where we choose a subject to read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now.

I'm Noah Luciens and I'll be the cure for what ails but I won't be alone also infecting this episode or two men who looked the way that flesh eating bacteria smells he thand Eli. Well she can bacteria does smell recessive. That's it. It's like the color white being composted. That's true. We do smell like that. Also a little like KFC which is weird.

Maybe maybe don't eat there. Here we go. Way. I love you. And also joining us tonight are two guys who's morbid obesity is only eclipsed by their morbid curiosity. Tom and Cecil. Okay, sure, yeah, but I am curious about my obesity. No, uh, in that what I want to know is just how far can I push this before my blood looks

like strawberry quicks? Call me when you get to cherry pie filling buddy. Whatever. I got I got plans big plans. You don't know my plans Speaking of which our patrons are healthier than regular people. It's true No, laughter makes us more disease resistance and improves the functioning of our immune system In fact, this is the only podcast that's been shown in clinical trials. Wait, we can't say this. This isn't true at all. I'm on trial, no, so it's kind of true.

No, that's not how true works Eli, and that's not what a clinical trial is. What if the crime was committed to doctor's office because it just still still know Eli looked real being a patron helps us to pay to produce the show avoid getting real jobs and pay for our increasingly worrisome legal fees. And if you'd like to learn how to help, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us heath, what person placed in concept phenomenon

on our event will we be talking about today? We're going to be talking about. Quick. And don't help if you say you're a giant ecologist. They still, it's still a crime. Just got that out there. And if you hover your hand over there, but giant and say, I'm not touching you, they don't like that. Still not like if you keep her glitter us on her side. Sorry, Heath, what were you saying about what I'm talking about? Speaking of which.

Speaking of which. Uh, let's get classy guys. We're, we're feminists. All right. So yeah, we're going to be talking about Mary Malin now commonly referred to as typhoid Mary. Oh, good. And Tom, you seem to infect those around you with a certain amount of general misery.

Are you ready to bring one of your heroes to light here? Well, I've been coughing up all this blood for nothing. I got to get prepared. Oh, method. Essayist. It's a thing. Finally, we have something in common. All right.

So tell us, Tom. Who was typhoid Mary? All right, Typhoid Mary was the rather mean spirit and ultimately quite accurate nickname for Mary Malin or Malone. An Irish American immigrant originally born in 1869 in Northern Ireland in the poorest county of what was at the time, the poorest country in Europe. I have a Googler to set to see if that changes. Has it hasn't gone off? Quickly orphaned and often starving.

Young Mary Malone spent much of her early life scrounging for basic survival, subsisting on nettles and potato cakes often cooked outside over a peat fun. Yeah, scotch smores are the best. That's it. That's it. See, Irish kids reading the Hunger Games and going like, what the hell are they talking about?

This novel is just plain tobian. All right. Since this is obviously being Irish and Ireland is a bit worse than being Irish in America, Mary set off to discover America's riches and possibly take stock of its beautiful child-shaped cages. In MoeJ, our cages were poopy-shaped and we like to have a poopy-shaped cage. I just remind me not to pick another Irish topic for a while. I don't want kids to do it as far as this often as I do. But you can say, whatever you want about Irish people.

I'm a sleeper than a boat. I'm a sleeper than a boat. There's a lot of worse topics that could put it on. Any lie accents. So just be responsible with it. Mary arrived on the lower east side of New York in 1883 and began as many young and povers, immigrants do working as a washerwoman. But like being a washerwoman sucked and the pay was a total nightmare.

So Mary did the most American thing possible. She lied on her resume. Mary created a host of employers on a resume that didn't exist and addresses that weren't real. And since people are both fundamentally trusting and lazy, Mary secured work with this resume in the scullery and she later worked her way up to cook. And since people are both fundamentally trusting and lazy, Mary secured work with this resume in the scullery and she later worked her way up to cook. Mary's story had all the hallmarks for the beginning of the typical American rags to maybe slightly nicer rags.

Tale. Says here, Mary, you attended the Northern Ireland School of Rustic cuisine, extensive experience with nettles and peat fire cookers. Oh, you're hired. Right away. Just start to die if you can. You sharp. Alright, so beginning in 1900, Mary began to cook for affluent families in New York.

And she was reportedly good at the cooking part of her job, but she was not good at basic hygiene. And she was sick. Well, actually she wasn't sick, and that's kind of the problem. That turns out it's kind of the problem. You see, Mary Malone was infected with salmonella typhi, which is the bacterium that causes typhoid fever, except that Mary Malone was an asymptomatic carrier, a term which here means basically that her entire body was a Trojan horse typhoid factory. Okay, so kind of like my DNA. Like, well, if I wasn't bald, overweight, and lumpy with melanoma, that's mobs.

So actually the opposite of my com, my com is as advertised. I think it's a takeaway from today's story. Yeah, you are a seller's disclosure in human form. Jesus Christ. It's bestos. Sorry. Seller's disclosure. Jesus.

That's a way better joke than the one I wrote. How can a man be a flood zone? That's I mean like I'm not disputing it. I'm like walking away from he's with their earnest money. Fuck that. You're gonna have to replace the basement. That's just a fact. How do you test positive for right on that should even be possible. He's got a little someone's installing a vent behind his line. Just don't go down there for a long time. By down there, I mean his balls. Nobody will. That's fine. All right. So Tom, for those of us who didn't grow up in the 19th century or a Guatemalan village, how bad is typhoid fever? All right. Well, typhoid fever sucks. Okay, yeah, so there we go.

Okay, got it. Where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did it, where did, where did it, where did it, where did it, where died from. As starting in the gut and spread from eating food contaminated with feces from an infected person, typhoid fever is basically, it's that. It's a fever, a shitty, miserable fever, causes confusion and death in about one and five people. Because a lot of medical science at the time was basically just a bunch of dipshit, grasping its straws and guessing, typhoid fever was often thought of as a miasma disease. I was spreading the slums among poor people who made the air gross by not having money. Some people still believe that being poor is contagious, Tom.

That's why I always wear a tasteful curtcheaf to reason. It doesn't work. Everyone around him is getting sick and I was like, man, I can't figure out why it's like a huge mystery. Can you pass a salt and pooper? So Mary Malone at this point probably didn't even know she had typhoid fever. But in 1900, within a few weeks of securing a job as a cook, the people around her started to get sick with typhoid fever. And this

might have also been when she contracted the disease. It's not clear since you never developed any symptoms from it. What is clear is that she got the fuck out of there and she moved to Manhattan. And in 1901, she again secured work as a cook. And shortly after her rival there, seven out of the eight members of the household she worked at became ill with fevers and diarrhea. And the fucking laundry is just up and died So just bad luck all around okay, so how much your own shit can get into food by accident Yeah, right I'd like to think small amount

I'm sure I'll get corrected by in core But I'm sure I'll get corrected by. In core. Yeah. The fact that she carried typhoid bacteria isn't the most distressing part here, right? Is your inability to cook without getting your own shit in the food? All right. So it's not clear specifically where she goes from there in 1901 until 1906 Mary finds work with the Warrens.

She owes a wealthy family who rented a house on Oyster Bay for their summer vacation. The first to become ill was a young daughter of Charles Warren. Then Mrs. Warren became ill. Then two maids developed Typhoid fever, then the Gardener, and then another of the Warren daughters soon six of the 11 people in the house were sick. Probably all just a coincidence. A jump to conclusion. Okay, just to review. So the people she cooked for got sick, a woman who did her laundry got sick, also the maids

who cleaned the house where she also worked. And also the fucking gardener did, did nobody notice this woman walking around smearing generous amounts of her own shit on literally everything inside and outside this house. Like, I feel like that's going to catch the eye at some point. I No, no. The gardener, the gardener didn't even try her food. He's just out there quality taste testing. He's to new batch of fertilizers. That's all due. Good.

That's nice work. All right. So eventually George Soaper is hired and his job is to find out what the fuck is making everybody sick? And he quickly suspected the cook because he's not a goddamn idiot. And Mary Malone, and that's all fine and good, I guess, but Mary Malone just quit. She moved on. Everybody got sick.

She left. And it was at this point that Soaper began to investigate Mary's employment history. And he discovered that from 1900 to 1907, Mary cooked for seven families. And at least 22 people from those families were found to have contracted typhoid fever. Mary had a habit of moving on shortly after people began to get sick and she never left a forwarding. Oh, okay. Tom, well, quick before anybody can speculate on the connection between this and my tendency to move to a new state every couple of years, we're going to take a quick

break for a little apropos of nothing. Oh, hey, Sisu! Who are you? I'm Don Copyrighted Puppet Friend. And what's this all about a live show in Chicago? Oh, well, that's right. Non-copyrider puppet friend. August 11th will be doing a two-part show live at the beautiful Victoria Garden's theater in Chicago.

Wow, and what's this all about a platinum night? Well, that's a chance for people to watch a special show, just for them, and that includes dinner, drinks, and a swag bag. Ooh, what's the special show about? Oh God, we had to fucking go here, didn't we? It's about a dead, child-pagent queen. Um, that seems inappropriate.

It really is non-copier-rated puppet friend. Thought that was just a really fun running joke on our show, but it's really happening, and there's, supposedly, he's bringing props, I don't really want it. Actually, can we stop just talking about this? Really, I'm just not- Oh, the minute we took it's left! Yeah, totally, yeah, we rented a bigger space

so there's 10 tickets left right now to the premium platinum night so people should hurry to the show notes because we will never, ever, ever fucking record this John Boney Ramsey episode ever. Woo! Love it! Not as long as there's breath in my body, puppet friend.

Not as long as there's breath in my Hello, good star. Top of the morning to you. Okay. Can a poor, oily, rich woman do it for you? It's fine. No, racist, Eli's doing a racist voice. We said no doing that. He's gonna have to sketch.

You're not gonna sketch. You're not in this. I'm gonna do a Jew voice. You'll see. I'm gonna do it. Anyway, anyway, Miss Mary, it seems that many of the houses you've cooked for have, uh, uh, uh, wait, what are you doing? What do you do?

Oh, I'm just washing out the bed pants, sir. In the kitchen sink? Oh, I like to get all my work done at once, yes, eh? Yeah, but that sink is full of onions right now. Oh, it's not once, not. Uh, yeah, but I not, not... Uh... Yeah, but I think you forgot to clean the pan first. Oh, I don't give a moraine saying that'll be fine.

Now, what did you want to talk to me about, sir? Oh, I just wanted to figure out how you're as a cookers, you know, if that- Indigic Cancer, Indigic Cancer. Hi, it's me, Moishi, the brush merchant, Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss And since two bigotries apparently cancel out or at least to make us nervous enough to cue the music, we're back. Tom, when we last left off, we had a mystery going that really shouldn't need a detective to solve it, but we had a detective anyway, didn't we? We did indeed. And so we're doing a good job.

He located Mary in the March of 1907 working unsurprisingly as a cook. Because if you're going to have like notoriously bad hygiene and spread the poo fever disease, this seems like the best possible line of work to keep pursuing. And he located her using the unsurprising method of just like looking for people with typhoid. Yeah, right. Using the extremely visible trail of shit and blood. So not like what we do when Eli gets lost at the mall. Thanks for finding us.

You gotta get one of those leash backpacks for him. I don't know who asked the whole other end, but I would work as my shit works as a backpack It's just it's ropey and it stretches. Oh, oh, oh, oh, you go to a doctor I ate a lot of gum as a kid I said gum gum This is you to it comes part of the body count. So he approached Mary and I love this because this is direct from his report. I had my first talk with Mary in the kitchen of the house.

I was as diplomatic as possible, but I had to say I suspected her of making people sick and that I wanted specimens of her urine, feces, and blood. We did not take Mary Long to react to this suggestion. She seized a carving fork and advanced in my direction. I passed rapidly down the long narrow hall through the tall iron gate and so to the sidewalk. I thought rather lucky to escape. Jesus. She's just screaming. You can have my feces when you pride

from my cold dead anus. That is a great porn hub channel. Everybody. It is. Check it out. Get in there. Yeah. Hot dead anus is pretty good.

That's true. Circling back, the detective said he was diplomatic when he asked. It's hot dead a-ness is pretty good to Circling back the detective said he was diplomatic when he asked I'm curious how you ask for that stuff diplomatically like like a pickup line That urine feces and blood your pants cuz I can see myself and like what? If it would please the lady would you do me the honor of a copper shower? I mean, ask. I mean, I just want to say, and like this strikes me

as a reasonable reaction on Mary's part, right? Yeah, I'm not sure. I think the moral of this tale at this point is don't ask Irish women for their poo. Just like eat their food and they'll give it to you. I'm not good at morals though. I admit that I'm not good. I've both been to Ireland and had Irish food time.

Those are contradictory instructions. All right, that is enough. That is an Arlisner's tolerate lots of racism on the show, but this is too much. This is it. How do you think the corn beef got the corn? It's a beautiful culture. If they soak oats and pigs blood and call it pudding, that's not a beautiful

culture. That's never had that. No, because it's oh, it's a great river. Yeah, he looked at a menu of the things, but so coated was like, you know what I'm going to try that. I said, as you guys can tell, Mary was, and this is probably being charitable,

somewhat disinclined to shit in soap or hand or whatever he was asking. But like, soap or is not easily deterred, just good if you're into shit play. Like you got a really, back that up, right? Turd. You said deterred. Like you got a really bad back that up right? Tired. He said just turd. That's so sad.

Tired is a silver. Tired is a silver. Tired is a gold. I think it's a turd. Here we go. For the listeners at home, that's now been changed into D, the word turd in our notes, just so you know what's going on. There it is.

That's not really the word turd though. That's Eli's reddition of D and the word turd. Close enough. Has a T in it. I still super recruited another doctor for help and he confronted Mary again at her home. And she was not much more cooperative and she chased the two men angrily from the property, hurling exploatives, but much of their chagrin, no feces. No feces. That seems like a second day kind of thing for sure.

Actually, Tom, does wacky 90s movie hijinks involving X-Laks follow? Please tell me wacky 90s hijinks. So for was still adamant that Mary represented a public health crisis. And so we enlisted even more aid and cops and an ambulance to take her away. And for her part, Mary was still, shall we say, somewhat reluctant again, a quote this time from Baker's report, one of the gentlemen who offered aid, quote, Mary was on the lookout and peered out a long kitchen fork in her hand like a rapier. And she lunched at me with the fork. I stepped back, recoiled on the policeman and so confused matters. By the time we got through the door, Mary had disappeared, disappeared, is to matter of fact, a word she had completely vanished. He say she carved an initial into this guy shirt before she

fired. Well, she smeared it in poop and that's, you know, that's more of her. Yeah, but it's just a number two in there. Oh, yeah. Oh, All right, Mary, not by the way, a small woman by any stretch, she had run out the back door and jumped on neighbor's fence. Police in the doctors searched for five hours looking for this furious Irish woman. And when they found her, this is what happened.

Fucking fast. I know. Getting right. She came out fighting and swearing, both of which she could do with appalling efficiency and efficiency. I made another effort to talk to her sensibly and I asked her again to let me have the specimens, but it was no use. By that time, she was convinced that the law was wantingly persecuting her when she had done nothing wrong.

She knew she had never had typhoid fever. She was maniacal in her integrity. There was nothing I could do but take her with us. The policeman lifted her into the ambulance and I literally sat on her all the way to the hospital. It was like being in a cage with an angry lion. She's sitting on her all the way to the hospital. It was like being in a cage with an angry lion. She's sitting on her. Did she say, I can't breathe 11 times before Donnell?

Oh, fuck. Or am I thinking of a different story from New York? I can't. Different story. But it would be funny if she shatterself out of anger and then the guy was like, finally, scoop some of this up. Oh, shit out of anger. Okay,. Yeah Eli. I'm just curious in your opinion

What other emotions cause people to shit the Sets a lot of attention you're like I want to pull some of this focus. So you just remember that you had any info and it's like, oh, do people shut themselves? Is it contagious? It's a fun thing. All right. So Tom, did they like, did they literally beat the shit out of her? What? she was Irish, not black. Oh, it did samples from Mary. And after they did, they confirmed that she fucking obviously harbored typhoid, big fucking

shock, right? And the media seized upon her and dubbed her typhoid Mary because probably the typhoid, I'm guessing it's IP. Mary still absolutely held not only to her belief that she didn't have the disease because she wasn't sick, but she also continued to defend her poor hygiene. She defended keeping her hands filthy. She cited her own lack of illness and I'm guessing a desire for impromptu poo finger paintings. Modern art's important. That's good. She also refused to voluntarily stop working as a cook, even after the authorities explain to her that she harbored Typhoid

and spread it everywhere she went. She sounds like a Bob Ross of Feseese cookery. But here's a crappy little tree. No, sorry, that's just broccoli shit on it. Still, those follow up interviews for her next job. Those had to be rough, right? And just like, okay, I see you applied for this job, but aren't you literally typhoid Mary? No, you're going to try my fucking soup or not. I mean, yeah, I'm going to try to suit like answer the question. All right.

So exasperated public health officials had no choice, but the quarantine Mary on North Brother Island where she was held at a clinic for three years. She says, and after three years, the health commissioner finally took pity on Mary and decided that they couldn't really confine her just for having a disease. And they made Mary totally promise to stop working as a cook and it start washing her hands after taking a shift. She signed an actual affidavit saying she would try to be less gross and stop making people food.

It's gross. And she was released. She would go on to invent the subway poll. And bulls of loose dinner. Me too. Eating at Eli's apartment. All right. So Mary got out and she worked for a few years as a laundress, but again, that

doesn't pay very well. Let's face it like nobody likes doing a laundry. So she changed her name to Mary Brown. So many other colors you could go with. Yeah, right. Or not a color. You could be any last name. She picked Brown.

Awesome. But she picks Brown and she begins working again as a cook. Okay. Anybody care to guess what happens next? And the guys she switched it up and started giving malaria to everybody. They tried to make the whole country immune to typhoid fever by giving everyone fecal microbiota transplants from Mary. No one universe.

The whole show, one universe. It is. Close, but no, nice. Unsurprisingly, everywhere she went, people again got fucking typhoid fever. For five more years, she changed jobs frequently and for five more years, typhoid followed her. In 1915, another giant outbreak occurred this time in a maternity hospital where she worked as a cook. 25 people. She became a syringe engineer. She's just Christ. She's thinking she doesn't give

a shit except for how many shit she gives. 25 people got sick and two of them died. So guess what Mary does? She quits. She just quits and nobody can find her. She was only caught by the police after bringing food to a friend on Long Island. Who she also got sick. Okay.

At a certain point, you have a getting people sick thing, right? Like this is on her. Yeah. Right. No, I mean, even if we don't have the side, yes, I'm a Tainted Slavvindly disease vector admission. At this point, she knows she's the bad guy. Yeah. Yeah. This lady's the infectious diseases, Johnny Crabblecy. All right. So she's captured again. She's sent once more to isolation on North

brother, brother Island. And again, Mary's sent once more to isolation on North Bruton, brother island. And again, Mary just refused to cooperate with officials. And although the public was initially sympathetic to Mary, the tide now had turned. Typhoid, Mary Malone was now a literal and figurative social outcast. The sensual life of sanitary confinement. And then she escaped at the same time as Andy Dufrein and he's like, hey, nice works. You do the sewer pipe thing too. And she's like, what are you talking about?

What's sewer pipe? He answered this so, but she's like, what the fuck is that? What are you doing? I married live the rest of her life couldn't find. And although she never acknowledged her role in spreading typhoid, some estimates put the total fatalities possible to attribute to Mary as high as 50. But how often she changed her name and jobs is actually impossible to know. Mary died at the age of 69 of pneumonia. And before her body was cremated, they removed her gallbladder and once again tested her for typhoid. What's she fucking had? I'm just picturing a guy running out of the coroner's

office spiking it on the ground. There, you bitch. You got everyone sick. There. I'm curious about the why. Right? Like they still needed confirmation. I know the typhoid marries the most famous. She's not actually the most prolific asymptomatic spreader of typhoid. That dubious distinction goes to Tony Lebella who infected a known 122 people versus Mary's confirmed 47 and his death toll is a confirmed five versus Mary's verified three. Other healthy carriers of typhoid also flaunted health official rules to stop fucking making food. Restaurant and bakery owner Alphan's coals also spread typhoid and upon being discovered, knowingly violated his agreement to quit fucking doing that.

And since he was a dude, nobody stuck him on sad face, I only know whether or die or what. Probably should have. Yeah, but they didn't. And since he was a dude, nobody stuck him on sad face island or whether a guy or what I probably should have. Yeah, but they didn't. Aw, he and Mary could have gotten something going, started a little leprechauliny. It's like kids who've had chickenpox. Yeah, absolutely. All right, you want to go ask to Matt?

Ask him out because we can't get you. Yes. We've so much. So much. Okay, name something else you like to can't get. Yes. We have so much. So much. Okay, name something else you like to do on three. Okay, okay, something else you like to do. One, two, three. We have some mouth.

What? This game is going great. This is going great. This is going great. This is going great. I now also have to say that a lot of the articles I read about Typhoid Marion are really quite sympathetic. And there's this general sense that maybe it's unfair to confine and punish someone for

something that they have no control over, like having a disease. But that's bullshit. She changed her job more frequently than she washed her shit covered hands. And she used a number of different aliases to cover her tracks as she bounced around getting people sick again and again Even after being told she was a carrier So fuck her or don't guys imagine her vagina if her hands were that dirty Way ahead of you Tom All right, so if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would that sentence be?

Don't hire the Irish. I quit the show. This is ridiculous. You know the recite that Irish need not apply Tom. Yes, ridiculous. We're a lot of weight. I don't know. I can't have a job. We tried to have a job. I'm going back to my country because I won't eat any other. And there was a family. It was basically the hot. We'll just go ahead.

All right. Well, you can get some revenge here because I believe you've got first question on the quiz. Tom, you ready? I've washed my hands at this topic, Noah, unlike some people. Yeah. All right.

All right, Tom, which of the following is the best name for a detective who apprehends a poo-themed killer, Elias Mary Brown, who won't wash her hands? Is it a, George Soaper's a because our wishes it could imitate. I'll go with a. I'll go with a. All right. So Ty Void Mary obviously made some mistakes, but she obviously had some good ideas as well. Which of Mary's lessons should we take to heart? A, washing your hands is stupid. I'm not five and I don't have that kind of fucking time.

B, your hands are always terrifying. They are. B, there's always looking for someone to do shit work for shit pay. True. Jesus. See, the Irish are crappy cooks. That's a fuck. Or D, stabbing the guy who asks you questions about a crime you committed, is a great way to get him to back off. I'm gonna go with D from personal experience.

That is great. All right, Tom, there have been other celebrities who have spread pestilence, which of the following is the most famous? A, Biggie smalls pox. B. Harper Lee, coli. Excellent. C. Lou Gehrig.

Just get a whole disease. I'm a pastor. D. D. Robert T'Norrow virus. Or E. Jenny McCarthy. Oh, Jenny McCarthy. Jenny McCarthy. Maybe you're right. We don't know. Yeah, he is. Yeah, so much. He's right. Yes, it's VD in your right. All right. Well, nobody managed to best you this week. So you're the reigning champion. And you get to decide who has to read words for next week, Tom.

Well, I'm gonna pick Cecil because he's sitting in front of me and I can remember his name. All right, well for Cecil Eli Noah and Tom I remembered everybody's name. I know a thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week And by then Cecil will be an expert on something else in the meantime You can hear more of Tom and Cecil over on the cognitive distance podcast every Monday morning and more of Eli Heath and me over on the Skating Atheist Godolph and movies and the Scabra Crad on half of the other days of the week and if you'd like to help keep this show going you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five-star

review everywhere you can and if you want to get in touch with us check out past episodes connect with us on social media or check the show notes be sure to check out CitationPod.com Okay Okay I did 9-11, 9-11 was in my fault! I control the fucking media and you don't even know about it! I'm a big fan of a country that has a partied in 2018. I'm a wife, punching my wife in the joy. Stay sick of the God damn fence.

I'm so sick. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss that what you want to use? He's so...