Citation Needed - Unusual Deaths 3

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

This list of unusual deaths includes unique or extremely rare circumstances of death recorded throughout history, noted as being unusual by multiple sources. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

And are you ready for this? You can skateboard. What? You can skateboard in the New Zelda game? Seriously? Mine cart plus shield, man. It's fucking skateboarding. Nice. Okay, what about fire? He's done it.

Roasted, boiled, char grilled. It's gotta be something though. Hey guys, what's the matter? It's Tom. He's running out of ways to die. He's running out of what now? Okay, so you know how we die in these pre-show sketches a lot? Oh right, yeah, because you can't write endings. I can write endings.

So Tom has been missing the last few weeks. He's been dying here in the intro. And then by the time we get to make it to the next week, he's already dead again. Right, but he's dying too fast. We can't get to him in time for an episode. Okay, well, I mean that sucks, sure, but that just means we won't have him

for the opening sketch, right? No, no, you don't understand. If you run out of ways to die in the opening sketch, you die in real life. Oh, wait, wait, you just texted me back, you'll be back in three weeks. Oh, okay. It's good to hear it. Hey, when I'm not on the show, is it because I'm dead in the sketch? No, you're just not here because you don't work very hard, man. Right, yeah,

you take a lot of vacation. Like a lot of vacations. Cool, yeah, this is fun. I like when we do these opening sketches. I was effort-nending. Bad. It's a bad ending. Hello and welcome, Citation Needed. Podcast where we choose a subject,'re a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Is this the internet? And that's how it works now. I'm Heath, and I'll be the MC for this mass wake that we're gonna be doing.

And I'm joined by the religious twosclather, all dead, and his two hype men. Eli, Cecil, and I'm honestly Heath. This is one of the only times I get to admit to being glad when someone's dead. Don't take this from me. Is this the only time? I just followed the undertaker on

and pointed the title belt. Like, I'm wondering. Oh, there you go. Oh, yeah. Honestly, like, futile, very hype men isn't the best qualification on my resume, but it is the one I get the most questions about.

Sure, that's the answer. The channel. Seems pretty clear to me, but I get it. So Eli, what person plays thing concept phenomenon or event? Are we gonna be talking about today? Unusual deaths, three. Cool. And who were some people who died.

I'm just saying, we never make front of your SH choices, okay? It's about respect, really. It feels mean-spirited, really. This is Gaslight. I'm gonna start tonight with Thomas or Gargass, a Scottish aristocrat, Lighting, Holly Math and the first translator

of Francois, Rabalais, writing to English. Yes, Lenny. He said to have died laughing upon hearing that Charles the second had taken the throne If the coronation of Charles the third was in any way similar. Let me just say I get it Yeah, well what the records don't say is that the way he died a laughter was that he was killed by Charles the second when he for her about the laughing bit Yeah, you got a in. That's pretty funny. James Bats gave a whole new meeting to giving it all for the nookie. While attending college at Corpus Christi, he became romantically entangled with the head master's daughter, Elizabeth Spencer. One night, her father came home early, and in an attempt to hide James, she stuffed him

into a cupboard where he is fixated. Was that the guy from Limpusket? As I hope it was. No? When the body was discovered, Elizabeth threw herself off the building's roof and grief, and it said that there ghosts walk on the Corpus Christi campus today. Yeah, they don't, because nothing happens when you die. And even if it did, ghosts make no fucking sense in any possible worldview, but it is. Thank you.

So thank you. That's that. Oh, guys, that's twice in two examples where Eli has referred to it having been said as a source. I'm not like what this is. of maybe I'm on a role. Do you could just say Ibed for like everything I've ever said. Friends Swavital was the head of the house for Prince Louis II to Burbon Conde and thus was responsible for throwing a bank.

That's that correctly. You fucked up the whole thing. I know. I really fucked up. And thus was responsible for throwing a banquet for 2,000 people at Chateau de Chantilly in honor of King Louis of 14.

What has happened? I know I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm not trying with my heart. I'm trying with my mouth. I'll get it. I'll get it. The meal was apparently a mismanaged mess.

So much so that when Vatel learned how to eat food course was going to be, he killed himself with his sword and was only discovered hours later when the fish actually hit the table. Okay. I mean, I'd say I don't get that, but I watched Eli try to get Noah on board with a cucumber tasting. We met a minute. A couple weeks ago, I don't think that himself is the person Eli wanted to stab in that instance, but do be fair. I don't think that himself is the person ill I wanted to stab in that instance, but yeah, sure. I've been accused on this podcast of, shall we say, drinking my own Kool-Aid, but I've

got nothing on the playwright, Molly air. Molly air suffered a pulmonary hemorrhage caused by tuberculosis while playing the part of a hypocondriac in his own way, La Malade Imaginaum. Okay, this is pretty funny, too. According to Wikipedia, quote, he disguised his convulsion as part of his performance and finished out the show, which ends with his character dead in a chair.

After the show, he was carried in the chair to his house, where he died, and quote, okay, I feel like you still do a curtain call there, right? Like we can to Bernie's style. Oh, exactly. Make that happen. Zero bell whenever you are anyway. It doesn't have to be in time.

Yeah, right. Method. Speaking of playwrights, have you heard of Thomas Ottway? Yeah. No, no. Unfortunately towards the end of his career, neither had anyone else. And Ottway was forced to beg for food on the streets of London. One day, after days without food, he was recognized by a passerby who gave him an entire guinea to buy food. The money, fine, not the Cecilcat. Racist, Jesus Christ. Okay.

Okay. According to Wikipedia, this is a story about Eli selling magic thumbs in London. Yeah, I just want to say it's very similar. According to Wikipedia, quote, he hastened to a baker shop purchased a roll and choked to death on the first mouthful. End quote. Different. Yeah, but these rolls are to die for commercials right themselves. That's true. Come on. But like, but honestly though, but choked on a roll is not a particularly unusual death, right? I'm a little worried that we're clutching it straws already. choked on a roll is not a particularly unusual. Right.

I'm a little worried that we're clutching it straws already. Eli, I just report the facts that the comedian presents me know. All right. All right. Henry Hall, a 94 year old British lighthouse keeper died several days after fighting a fire at Rudyard's tower during which molten lead fell from the roof and down his throat. Down his throat though?

So many things have to go wrong in your life. And then you're doing like the snowflake thing with drops of blood. And as you're looking up, exactly like you are. Yeah, right. It's just, what is happening? Oh my God, look up a smoldin' wall.

Yeah, during his autopsy, they removed a sizable chunk of lead from his stomach, which weighed in at exactly seven ounces, five drops. Just Christ. And 18 grains. The piece of lead is currently in the collection of the National Museum of Scotland. All right, so I'm not, I'm not trying to take lead's side here, but 94-year-old people, they don't need a lot of help dying, right? Thank you.

Thank you. It's a weird episode of Jackass. That's like a sad thing. Next up is a case of sibling rivalry. Nobody could be jealous of. Bahai Matidas and Bahai Satidas were two Sikhs who were sentenced to die for the crime of being Sikh by the Emperor. Upon learning that his brother would be executed by being bound between two pillars and saw in and half, Bahai Satidas requested he be wrapped in cotton wool, soaked in oil, and sent on fire. and half, Bahá'í Sáááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááá This thing doesn't even make sense. This is stupid death. Like it's wholeinarily is dumb. You're right. I'm gonna need a break before we move on

for some op-pop, nothing. I'm angry about that. I'm angry about that. Brother, have you heard? No, brother, tell me. I have requested to die in an even more painful manner than you will, because I cannot stand the thought of you suffering more than me. Oh, brother, you shouldn't have. I needed to.

I must. I'll be wrapped in cotton and then lit on fire, but as I burn, I know I will go to meet you in the afterlife. Yeah. Would we say that's more painful though than being sought in half? Surely, brother, the flames shall burn every inch of my body. And you shall feel the touch of the sword, but for like a moment. Thank the one creator. Okay.

So first of all, it's a saw. It's not like a one time, it's not that with a sword. And I was pretty sure that it's like, you're gonna be on fire for like 30 seconds and then you die of the smoke in the whole issue. I think it's gonna be long. I don't know. It's definitely gonna be.

Hey guys. Hey, dialla. Hey dialla. Buh-buh-buh-buh. I mean, I mean, Bahay dialla. Hey, dialla. I mean, I mean, bahai dialla. That's right. Bahai. So did the guards tell you? Tell us what. So I heard you guys were doing like the more painful death thing.

So I was like, oh my god, I gotta get in on this. So I requested it to be boiled alive and then burned over charcoal. So yeah, look at us, right? Um, what? We're all like dying for Sikhism, right? Yeah, it's just that we were kind of doing the brother thing like we were. Yeah, we're brothers. I mean, I'm your brother, that's what behind means. What? It's like means brother.

We know, but that just means that for religion, right? Like priests aren't actually your father, we just call him that. Yeah, and plus your request doesn't even make sense, man. Like, you wanna be boiled and then charred here, or all wedding be dead when you're burned. Yeah, right. No, you're just adding a bunch of post-mortem mutilation

to make your thing sound to work. Exactly, thank you. Okay. Um, wow. Fine, I guess I'll just like ask for a normal execution. Then let's thank you. Let's thank you. Yeah, we don't want to be jerks, but you know,

it's just, we're doing this. No, no, it's not. Yeah, we don't want to be jerks, but you know, it just No, no, it's not and then when we all get to heaven, I'll tell God that you didn't really think of me as your brother and Wouldn't let me be part of your cool death thing Man You can do the death thing with us. Yeah, yeah, you you mean it? Yeah, sure. You mean it? Yeah, sure, why not? Yes, brother! Not really, though, not.

But if you think about it, we're even more like brothers now. No, no, no, no, we're not. We are, though. And we're back. When we left off, some ignorant king did a deconstructed braze in two steps to kill something like an asshole. Still pretty mad about that. What's next, Eli?

Well, the 19th century didn't have warnings like don't try this at home because why the fuck not? Nobody lived past 30 anyway, but apparently at least one person needed them. I'm talking about John Cummings who died as follows, quote, after seeing a circus knife swallower, Cummings began actually swallowing knives. On one occasion, he swallowed

four knives and quickly passed three with no ill health. He later swallowed 14 knives. And what happened to the fourth? Oh my God! He later swallowed 14 knives. And after some days with abdominal pain, he passed all of them. He finally swallowed 20 knives and a class knife case, but after a few days, he had only passed the case. He died after four years in pain. Was anybody impressed by the case? But as a finale, 29th, and he's like, and the holder. On autopsy, a knife blade and spring were found in his intestines and between 30 and 40

fragments of metal wood and horn were found in his stomach. A battered trick is to swallow the knives and an empty case and then pass a case full of knives. That's how the trick's done. Thank you. That's nice. Yes. And so, look, as much as I love the implication that there's a healthy way to shit knives,

like, no, the fuck you didn't. Okay, not know this happened. This is not a thing. Wikipedia's lie. I'm just repeating it. That's why I just have to put in the display. A different nerd lied about that story. Yeah, yeah, story. And what I can't believe hasn't already been a super boring episode of our show already

on our. This would be such an interesting episode on October 17th of 1814 at Mu and Co's horseshoe brewery a one D two foot tall. That's 6.7 meters, Cecil. What in that of her bed? Angle. Was the angler burst? Causing chain reactions and destroyed several large beer barrels. The beer subsequently

flooded the nearby slum and killed eight people. Several people also subsequently died from alcohol poisoning as a result of vaporized liquor. Yeah, the beer was in the slum so they couldn't inspect that vat thoroughly because it had a giant paper bag around at the whole time. There's no way to look at it. It's such a weird law. Like what else you're allowed to just put in a bag and become legal. It's like peekable liquor. It's amazing. We should do that with all the illegal stuff. Just like, all right, we realize drug war is a terrible expensive sham, but you got to put your needles in a paper bag.

All right, repressing anything to his arm. Arch duchess, Mithilda of Austria had a smoking problem, and it was costing her potential suitors. Our father, Archduke, I'll break Duke of Tession, forbade her to smoke. And so, one day when he walked in when she wasn't expecting it, she attempted to hide her cigarette in between the layers of her dress. The combination of lace and perfume pretty much instantly turned her into a giant fireball, but she did stop smoking after the fireballed her out.

Oh, yeah, well, there's only so much room on the fucking Surgeon General's warning, right? You can't fit all the majors in there. Yeah. Clement Valindiggum's death feels right at home as an opening for our show. Well, Valindiggum, an American politician and lawyer who was defending a man accused of murder

accidentally shot himself while demonstrating how the victim might have done so. This client was a question. Alex Baldwin was like, okay, that's pretty funny. Alan Pinkerton, founder of the Pinkerton Detective Agency, was a mean son of a gun. And while I don't believe in magic or voodoo, he definitely died from a witch's curse. According to Wikipedia, Pinkerton tripped on the pavement and severely bit his tongue, which became infected with bang green, which in turn killed him. Was he two Komodo dragons in a trench coat?

Like what is happening? What is in his nose? He uses clothes closer to that than most, I think. But I just, I wonder how far into dying of biting your tongue, you have to be before you can get people to take you seriously about it, you know? Bridget Driscoll has the inauspicious honor of being the first pedestrian to be killed in a collision with a motor car while strolling the grounds of the Crystal Palace in London she was hit by a car belonging to the Anglo-French Motor Carriage Company which was giving demonstration rides. But here's the weird part, the car had been modified so that it could only go a maximum of four miles an hour.

So either this lady played the world's first unsuccessful game of chicken, or there was a sharp turn nobody's telling this story. Okay, maybe she couldn't see the automobile. Like, you know how Native Americans couldn't see big boats from Europe until yeah, must have been a what the bleep. Do we know? Exactly, yeah, of course.

Deep cut. One more thing, the Wikipedia article about her death ends in my opinion, rather grimly saying, and this is how the Wikipedia article ends, quote, the coroner, Percy Morrison, said he hoped such a thing would never happen again. The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents estimated 550,000 people have been killed on UK roads by 2010.

Wow. And to Wikipedia article, that's mostly Americans looking left. I know. That's a lot of it. That number. We're looking down at the writing of the ground that says, look right. And I was like, I appreciate the effort, but I can't read this instruction and comply with it now. Can I?

So this next story is probably racist propaganda against the dead brown guy for winning it a thing over a white guy, but don't think about that. Just take it. They sell you and enjoy it. Anyway, quote, you see, if you smile, aka Youssef Ismailo, a Turkish wrestler whose enormous strength and brutal tactics earned him the moniker The Terrible Turk. Easily defeated American champion Evan Strangler Lewis, his strength being much more than a match for Lewis's eponymous Stranglehold. Ismail won the $5,000 prize and converted it along with his previous winnings into gold

coins, totaling $8,500, which he kept in a money belt around his waist at all times. As he was returning home on the French line steamer, the SS Labonion, the ship collided with the British sailing ship from T-Shire off-nose-jewsha. Thank you. Okay. And began to sing. Ismail, Robas, Yacht, Mael, Yacht. Ismail reportedly fought his way through the panicked crowd pushing women and children aside to reach a lifeboat.

Whereupon, he jumped into it, capsized it, drowned everyone in it, including himself because he refused to take off his extremely heavy money belt. But it would save to say that any story that ends with, and then all the witnesses died is a made up story. Empress Elizabeth of Austria, Empress Elizabeth of Austria was stabbed with a thin fine. Yeah. That would have been, that would have been commitment to the mispronunciation.

Thank you. Thank you. Empress Elizabeth of Austria was stabbed with a thin file by Italian anarchist Luigi Lucenni while strolling through Geneva with her lady in waiting, Hermastrat Thorey. In 1898, the file pierced her lung, but Elizabeth's corset was so tight that it held the wound closed.

And it wasn't till hours later when she loosened it that she collapsed and died. Cool, yeah, good work by that anarchist. I mean, Italy and Austria went on to never have a fascist government. Nailed it. And for the fans out there, yes, Sherlock season three did steal that concept for their wedding episode. I was just as shocked as you, podcast listener, just as shocked as you. He might not believe in past lives, but they certainly believe in him. According to this story,

wait, I'm sorry, you're like, that actually is the source citation below, it is set, right? You're literally citing the story, you're about to tell. I'm amazed, just played by my audience, proceed. Thank you. What's a forward, Ibit? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The seamstresses in a factory complained to a stockboy about how frequently mice would run across their shared workpable. In an attempt to impress the ladies, the next time it happened, the stockboy ran across the floor and grabbed the mouse. But the mouse was more slippery than he thought, escaping his hand, running up his sleeve out the neck of his shirt and into his open mouth. According to the man, According to the Manchester news, which never lies, quote, that a mouse can exist for a considerable

time without much air has long been a popular belief and was unfortunately proved to be a fact in the present instance for the mouse began to tear and bite inside the man's throat and chest, and the result was that the unfortunate fellow died after a little time in horrible agony." And quote, Okay, so we're ladies and press those. Did, did ain't nail it with the flirting. Nobody likes sleeping through their alarm, but Lambleighter for the city of Flatbush, Sam Wardell had a brilliant idea to fix it. He attached his alarm clock to a 10-pound stone on a shelf here, the foot of his bed. When his alarm clock went off

each morning, the stone would come crashing down to the floor, leaving him wide awake. Was his alarm clock attached to a book that kicked the metal marble down a spiral track. What is happening? And they've got caught on the bathtub. That was until one night he had some friends over for a party. And that party had beers. And Sam had quite a few of theirs. And Sam had quite a few of those beers.

So many in fact that he went to bed facing the wrong direction. When his alarm went off the next morning, his impromptu 10 pound alarm clock fell on his head, ensuring that he'd never wake up on time again. Well, either that or his downstairs neighbor beat him to death with a 10 pound wait and came up with a very convincing story after. If anyone you know is thinking about writing a book about the history of Prudery, this next one is perhaps the most Victorian death I've ever heard of. In 1892, in Bermuda, a party of sailors were returning to their ship by

steamboat, having been on shoreleave in the capital. Sailors being sailors, there was a row. The row turned into a fight, and one man went overboard. A Marine began to strip off to save him but was ordered immediately to stop by an officer who had spotted a boat with ladies on it near Bob. Oh, Jesus. 1892 Heath, there's like, quick,

somebody give me a rat to swallow. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha According to the Western Daily Press, the ladies in the boat manifested every description of sympathy with the unfortunate man, but seemed altogether opposed to the idea of an ordinary man springing into the sea, unless duly and sufficiently attired, looking the garments which fashion rather than common sense has decided to be proper. They had a pretty long, pretty involved conversation about it. The increasingly frantic efforts of the sailor to keep a float suddenly concentrated minds, the officer as for volunteers, five men at once all leaked to the rescue, but the sailor had drowned.

Well, they smashed into each other when they died. Yeah, that's awesome. That's the funniest way, yeah, to close up. And finally, Governor Morris is a name you probably don't recognize, but you definitely know his writing, specifically the preamble to the Constitution. We hold these truths to be self-evident, yada, yada, yada. Though a politician, Governor Morris was not a governor. Governor was his name. But he did die from an infection after using a whale bone to clear a blockage in his urinary tract. And that, what? Yep. And that is what you will think about every time you see or read the Constitution for the rest of your life.

You're welcome podcast listener. Yeah, turns out that dude is a shit authority on what is and isn't self-evident. He wrote down the word self-evident. He was like, Hey, will you pass me that whale bone and took his dick out of my belt? That's what happened. Wow. And George Washington was like, sure, man, my teeth are man out of wood.

All right. If you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, would it be people be dying? Yeah. Okay. Are you ready for the quiz? And surely as I'm ready for the grim reaper, Heath. All right. So it turns out that governor was a weird ass name even by the

standards of his day. Why the fuck was he named that? Hey, because his mom always thought that her brother Dick's fate of being a giant asshole was at least partially predestined. Because don't go up to be a fucking loser. Morris was too long to fill the birth certificate. Or see so that some future Wikipedia editor could write this truly exquisite fucking sentence. Quote. In both Dutch and French governor means governor. I gotta go with C is it C? This is absolutely C see yeah, you'll have to check that out on the Wikipedia article All right, Eli I'm I'm just gonna name some things about that London beer flood of 1814 there They're all true. You just say what you like best. I guess which one of these do you like best? Hey, the day of that spill, the 22-foot vat had only four inches of space left on top.

Be, that afternoon, a clerk noticed that one of the metal bands around the vat had slipped off, but his supervisor said it was no big deal and told him to write a note to the owner about it. See, the clerk wrote the note and was holding the note in his hand, ready to give it to the big boss when the vet exploded, like 20 feet away from him, and he got smashed with so much fear. Speaking of which, D, about 300,000 Imperial gallons of liquid went rushing everywhere,

immediately smashing through a brick wall that was two and a half bricks in thickness. Jesus. He, a wave of beers swept onto the street that was 15 feet high, completely destroying two buildings. 15 feet. Jesus. Or F, in one of those two buildings, they were literally having a wake for a two-year-old Jesus Christ. Gotta be F. That's the funniest one.

Sure, yeah. Yikes. It's actually all of the above. Yeah, you have to like all of them the best. No, yeah, no, yeah. I do like that. I have to like say that he's right for like, sorry. I forgot what my question. Oh, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Groundhog bidet. See? Die a real hard. See? The trotskeys or D.

There will be blood. Oh, there will be blood for sure. For sure. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It was Groundhog bidet. I'm sorry. Oh, Oh,

happens. I see you still, you stumped him. You are the winner. All right, Noah, I'm sorry. Oh. Oh. Cause it happens every day. Yes, Stumptom, you are the winner. All right, Noah, you get to go next. All right, well, it's not gonna be about the fucking beer flood now. Jesus. That's too boring, I'll do something different. Oh, no.

That's what you're all saying. It's not like the best. It's boring. Well, for Cecil Noah, Eli and Tom, I'm Heath. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and Noah will be an expert on something else. Do you know, and then you can hear Tom and Cecil'll be back next week, and Noah will be an expert on something else. To announce that you can hear Tom and Cecil on cognitive dissonance, and you can hear

Eli knowing myself on God-of-the-moveies, skating atheists, Skeptocrat, and D&D Monos. And if you'd like to join the ranks of our extremely generous patrons, whom we adore, so very much, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod, and help us each avoid being in the next episode about unusual deaths and the alternatives. Save it. Wow. Get on that, chinch.

Or usual deaths. I don't know. It could be a usual like just being poor. That's like a normal death. And if you'd like to get choked on a fucking roll of parrots. It's the best episodes. Can I have the Sun Social Media or take a look at your notes? Check out citationpod.com.

MOTIDOS AND SATIDOS Matidas and Satidas come before me. Wow, the one creator. At last we stand at his heavenly feet. Indeed you do. Indeed you do. And as a reward for your devoutness, you shall reside with me, you're in paradise forever.

Awesome. But there's more. I've also united you with your spiritual brother behind dial. Hey guys! The three of you shall never be a part for all of eternity. You're welcome. And you know what that means? Rock, paper, scissors, tournaments forever. Is it too late to sign up for hell? I also would like to go to hell. I get that a lot. It's true he does. So this next story is probably racist propaganda against the dead brown guy for winning it a thing over a white guy, but don't think about that.

Just take it at face value and enjoy it, like Tom's marriage, which is not on the rocks by the way. He is not in an extensive couples retreat slash counseling. What are you doing? He's just gone. One, go.

Anyway, quote. I'm going to eat slash counseling. What are you doing? Two. One. No. Anyway. Quote. I called Tom and asked if I could write that and he was like, that's funny. No, you didn't. No, you fucking didn't. I did. I did. I know you didn't.

I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, I'm sorry.

I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Tom would let you write that joke. I'm sorry. I shut the fuck up. That's not happening.