Citation Needed - William Wallace

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

Sir William Wallace (Scottish Gaelic: Uilleam Uallas, pronounced [ˈɯʎam ˈuəl̪ˠəs̪]; Norman French: William le Waleys;[2] c. 1270[3] – 23 August 1305) was a Scottish knight who became one of the main leaders during the First War of Scottish Independence.[4] Along with Andrew Moray, Wallace defeated an English army at the Battle of Stirling Bridge in September 1297. He was appointed Guardian of Scotland and served until his defeat at the Battle of Falkirk in July 1298. In August 1305, Wallace was captured in Robroyston, near Glasgow, and handed over to King Edward I of England, who had him hanged, drawn and quartered for high treason and crimes against English civilians. Since his death, Wallace has obtained a legendary status beyond his homeland. He is the protagonist of Blind Harry's 15th-century epic poem The Wallace and the subject of literary works by Jane Porter and Sir Walter Scott, and of the Academy Award-winning film Braveheart.

The last runnin' is so dark. Like, teenies with Ninja Turtles is still very much a kid's property. Yeah, no, that's true, but honestly, like... They made Mutant Mayhem fun. It was fun. There he is. Hey, buddy. Hey, guys, what's up to get up?

We read your essay, obviously. You did? Sure did. I had no idea all that stuff in the Braveheart movie wasn't true. Yeah, I mean... It's still a really cool story, though. Yeah, I mean, it's still a really cool story though. Yeah, sure is, especially now that we can lie about it. Sorry, you can do what now?

But I'm about it. Yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong, C. So, but like, whatever you got planned, I'm sure that's fine, but people remember Braveheart. The Heath and I decided to put, you know, our little spin on it. Exactly. So, that's why you're a cowboy?

Absolutely correct. The Arun Duton Wallars. The fastest gun in the Scottish West. That's right. And I'm a Willemino Wallis, the lady outlaw, and Black Widow of the English elite. Pip pip. I mean, guys, the true story is really interesting. It's got bandit kings intrigue, even

grew some torture. But does it have me? Who? Who are you? Adolf Walrus. The fender of Scotland from the juice. Oh, okay. Rayford already used that one. It's going to say that's a gear right? Yep, yeah. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject to read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm no illusions, I'm going to be reading this rebellion, but to play you this tune, I'm going to need a bass-read, two tenor-reads, and a chanter-read. This show doesn't have enough bagpipe deep-culture first up. Two men who would absolutely rock a fucking kill,

Heath and Cecil. Okay, first of all, yes I would. Bagpipes and kilts, both great. Highly maligned, both amazing things. Who doesn't want a skirt and a crotch? Hard to agree, hard to agree. And I rock it because people just think I'm wearing beaver-pelt leggings when I'm wearing so.

Exactly, yeah, he's already there. We, yay. You're so... Already there. We have a... And of course, also joining us tonight, two men who employ the Highlander Survival Strategy for buffets, Tom and Eli. Yeah, there can be only one. Stake left when I'm done. That's okay.

And see, when I'm done with a buffet, there can be only two for like a while. Well, that's true, yeah, yeah. Oh, shitting. Yeah, it's a pure joke. It's a's true. Yeah. Oh, shitting. Yeah, it's a perfect joke. It's a perfect joke. It's a really poor classic. A shitting joke.

And before we charge it, I want to take a cycle. You like triple shitting? Like, is your health bad? Is that what's happening? I have bowel cancer, and this is how I'm choosing to tell the audience. Oh, interesting. Yeah. No, no, right.

I don't have the Patreon thing. That's exactly what I'm going to tell you. I'll tell you I actually don't have Belican's right after the Patreon plot. Go ahead. We're doing ads to pay for Belican's for everybody. There you go. And before we charge in, let me take a second to thank those people who are paying for Eli's Balcancer treatment.

Patrons, if it wasn't for you, Eli would be in blue face for far more offensive reasons. If you'd like to learn how to join the Rice course, be sure to stick right to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us Tom, what person placed in concept phenomenon or event? Well, we'll be talking about today. We'll be talking about William Waltz. Hell, so yeah, we will.

And Cecil, you watched the extended edition of Braveheart with the commentary on or an article maybe. Are you ready to weave this tale? I am ready to hold your attention. Yeah. No, it's in the movie. All right, so where do you want to start the story? In this episode, we're going to talk about William Wallace.

Now, I know when I say that, everyone's going to remember the 1995 movie Braveheart. So I will let you all right now. Shout freedom. I'll wait. Freedom! What's the movie again? Everybody from Dr. Kovar.

Okay, I'm done. Okay, now that you got that out of your system, we can talk about William Wallace. I'll be pointing out some... One John! Sorry, no, go ahead. I got it. That's it. I'm done. I'll be pointing out some pretty serious historical. Sorry, no, go ahead. I got, that's it. I'm done. I'll be pointing out some pretty serious historical inaccuracies in the film because I'm

a history pendant and if I don't, I'm going to just keep twitching like forever. I can't stop twitching. So yeah, see, so I'm going to work with Noah for seven years. No amount of correction stops twitching just so you know. See, so next you're going to tell me a radio act the spiders won't turn you into superheroes. No, if that's true, last Monday would have been the time to tell me anyway, that's where the twitching is coming from. That's what I think.

Williams origin story has little detail. He was definitely a member of lower nobility in Scotland. He was born around 1270. His dad, mayor may not have been Alan Wallace, who was a Lord of Lower Nobility at the time. It's also possible that his surname means foreigner or Welshman in English. So he might have been a foreigner. He might have just spoke a different dialect than the people who lived in Scotland. There is one thing we know for sure though, didn't wear a kilt.

But naked. Got it. What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, naked got it. What? No, no, no, no, it's the balls. It's a ballsy. No, no, no, no, seriously, that's like a story. He's so late. Inacted. That's what you just heard here. Historically inaccurate.

Don't ever listen to anything Tom ever says. Here we go. He went balls out. Kilt's were first invented. Is invented the right word for rap and a length of cloth around you? I don't know. Anyway, they were invented in the 16th century, like 250 years after he lives. Like Elon Musk is an inventor.

So no, he was not wearing a kiln running around fighting battles. He also didn't wear blue face paint that had been done by the scholarship about three centuries earlier. But he was, he was, he was certainly a knight at the time and he was, he understood warfare and he would eventually become the guardian of Scotland and he would be one of the main forces in the first war of Scottish independence. Okay. So it wasn't Jewish people starting every war and Mel Gibson knew that. So that's just like irresponsible of that.

I think it's all people to the Scots to name it the first war of Scottish independence. Right when they were so fiercely independent that the Roman Empire just walled them the fuck off of this certain point. But to understand who and what William fought for, we have to understand the political lay of the land in Scotland around this time.

I mean, we don't have to. So we can talk about other stuff. How are things at home? How Sarah dealing with homeless? Oh, when William was a boy, King Alexander III was the ruler of Scotland. He rolled from 1249 to 1286. This was a time of relative peace in Scotland as Alexander married into the English king Henry III's house when he married Henry's daughter. He had three children,

but they all died and so did his first wife, so he married again. But one dark and stormy night while traveling, he got separated from his retinue, and he was found the next morning with a broken neck next to a river. And this is the episode where we learn about King Alexander's jet and private island I guess. It's a bit like isn't don't lose the King jobs number one through nine when it comes to Emily's though. You really?

You really say they do. Yeah. That's their whole thing. You had one job. I feel like I feel like like me there in the unemployment line. No, okay. So, yeah, wait, no. This started a crisis of succession in Scotland.

He had no real airs to the throne. So they chose Margaret, made of Norway, who was King Alexander's granddaughter. So she was the presumptive heir and boarded a ship from Bergen-Norway to Scotland to attend her coronation. She was fine when she boarded, but she either got food poisoning, or she got seasick to a very disturbing degree, because when they landed off the coast of Scotland, she died. With her death came 13 different nobles in Scotland to claim the throne. And thus began the sacred and ancient tradition of that one family member wrecking everyone of cruise.

She forgot to use the hand sanitizer outside of like right. With the 13 different factions all vying to be the ruler of Scotland, the people were, the people there feared a civil war. So they invited the king of England, Edward the first to serve as the arbitrator. Edward, by the way, had a couple of nicknames. Hammer of the Scots and Long Shanks. No idea if those are connected.

Okay, so if he doesn't earn the nickname Hammer of Scots later than this, this is on that. They should have sought to take him, right? I think it is later, yeah. Edward basically leveraged the situation to his advantage. He sought recognition of Scotland as a futile dependent of England, a controversial claim with questionable historical precedent. So he demanded recognition of this feudal relationship as a precondition to arbitration. He basically said, I dare all of you to disprove that I'm your king and you are my feudal state. And the scots said that without someone in charge to actually make that call, like,

you know, a king, we can't help you. So he was basically stuck doing it. Okay, so he's like, Scotland's a myth, change my mind. Too slow, it's mine. That's pretty solid. I wonder if it's like that. The original shot man. And they're like, oh, oh, yeah. Cecil, so I understand to figure out which of the 13

scots would be their king, the scots invited an English king to figure it out for them. And then the answer that guy came up with was turns out I'm your king. Yeah, I'm your king and you're a little king. You're my little king. That's basically it. Yeah.

13 factions. What Anna says before she talks me. You're my little king. 13 factions absorbed each other like amoebas until only to remain. Robert the Bruce and John Baleol. An Edward's decision was to choose Baleol. Baleol had the strongest claim, in law, and by blood, so he became the new king, and Edward went to work undermining any authority that he had.

He basically treated Scotland as a vassal to England, and he demanded taxes to help him win his war in France. Guess Edward also humiliated him socially and politically so the Scottish were not too thrilled with their new king. So a faction of Scottish nobility decided to take things into their own hands and sign a treaty with France. This piss Edward off to no end. So he started the war of Scottish independence. I'm sure he didn't call it that when it started, but when it was over, that's what we just

all just decided it was. Right. Like how a breakup starts is a conversation about the future. Right. Yeah. It is that. So Edward the Hammer Shanks forces marched North. Not that far North. They stopped at the first city, Burwick, which was referred to as the Alexandria of the North. It's weird that people would be familiar stopped at the first city, Burwick, which was referred to as the Alexandria of the North. It's weird that people would be familiar with the city in Egypt, but not the one 11 miles away, right?

The English sacked the city and killed between 4,000 and 17,000 civilians. Hey, Joe, is that one dead guy over there? Or four dead guys over there? We need a better system. I think it's porn. I don't even know what it's for. It's for an a quarter. Even after the Scots surrendered, they killed a bunch more people than they moved on to Dunbar in 1296. The Scottish had a pretty good position at Dunbar and they had the high ground. When the English started to come to meet the Scots on the field, they had to cross a ravine or a creek. Well, when the troops did this,

the Scots thought they were disorganized and possibly starting to break apart, as their formation was just a mess. The Scots charged. And when they met the English, the English had dressed their line and pretty much fended off the attack without any casualties. So the Scottish ran away. Dude, what do you mean you thought the creek would be a bigger deal? It's a creek. That's nothing. During all this, William Wallace was really isn't much in the historical record to see where he was and what he was doing. Presumably some soldering stuff, he was a night after all. No evidence suggests he was at either of these battles, but in the background somewhere, he's powering up during that time.

He's flirting with the lady with the basket. And there's, I saw the note, I didn't know. And during that time, Edward takes a lot more of Scotland. He even steals a magic stone from the scots, the stone of destiny, the stone of scone, which sounds amazing.

The stone of scone. The stone of scone of it sounds amazing with clotted cream. Clotted cream needs a serious rebranding as a food. Brat, no, it doesn't need a better name because then you just eat all of it all the time. That's so gross. No, hey, one fact, the stone of scone is also called Jacob's Pillow, which proves that Mike Lindell will still his idea for Pillow's discomfort was rocks from the Scottish dude. It's named Jacob.

Okay. There you go. All right, he was also into cracks. I did look this up too. The Stone of Skone weighs 335 pounds. How do you steal that with a cart? Not in a hurry. Yeah, not in a hurry. Not a smashing grab job. There's a little bit of like history of

leftovers. Like it goes back in between. Maybe those guys that were the ret new got a new job. Tom, maybe that's what. So what is the stone a destiny? It's a hunk of red sandstone that they used during the coronation of Scottish kings. So like one hand on base or something like that. Anyway, the English marched in, took the 335 pound hunk of rock. They took it in 1296 and the English would eventually find it in a junk drawer and give it back to women 1996, 700 years later, it must still be magic because it's kept in the same place as the Scottish crown jewels.

Right, but England gets to borrow the magic rock for their magic olive oil ceremony when they do a new game or new queen and do their coronation in England. Yes, they get a fact with that. As weird as all this is, it's not as weird as the fucking joint custody agreement they've got about it now. No. The historical record of William Wallace starts right about this time. So Scalantros Rock, England throws paper, Rockets Dull. William either attended a court or infiltrated a court of the sheriff of Lawnark.

A fight breaks out and William escapes with the help of someone who may have been his wife. He gathers up some folks and goes back to confront the sheriff and kills him. Then he sets fire to some buildings there and goes to leaves and does some more rebelling. Okay, so he wasn't invited to the party. Sneaks in anyway, gets into a fight, runs away, comes back later to fuck shit up, and then runs away again. Was I William Wallace in high school? I don't know.

Did he steal a six pack of Hornspees? Now where did you get that $305,000, Rob? Now this is another thing that the movie Braveheart gets wrong. His wife probably was not killed by this guy, and she certainly wasn't killed because of the right of premonocta. The story that his wife was killed, and this was all to avenge her, came from a poem written a couple hundred years after his death. And premonocta probably wasn't a thing.

I mean, it's reference in some history, but according to scholars, there's no evidence that it was actually practiced at all. Right, like the rich paying taxes. They are ready for the day to end, but right, but they don't. Right, yeah, it's on the books. Yeah. So now, we get to the battle that literally made William Wallace into someone people remember.

Because if killing a sheriff alone got you famous, we'd have to ignore the rest of Bob Marley's discography. We are talking about the battle of Sterling Bridge. Now, again, I will say the movie was really far off the mark on this one, because in the movie, there's no bridge, man. Like it all. They hide wooden spears and use them against a charging cavalry. And then Mel Gibson runs across a giant field with a really wobbly sword and then after a quick

Cut a hammer and then another cut Sword like a character in an RPG rotating weapons with the X button Anyway, he's awesome. Here's the thing one thing They did get right in the movie is that the battle itself is a huge blow to the English all right Well if I heard right Mel Gibson's gonna blow an English guy on the other side of this place, so be sure to stick around. Ah, gentlemen, I'm afraid I've got terrible news. The stone of Skoon is gone. Why was it on its own? Hey, what's your turn?

No, no, this at own. There's no need to moon, the stone is gone. The stone of Skoon? A very wound. Sorry, that's my third! I recognized a ten! Is it about the Stun? The Stun of Skun is gun!

This was a very silly sketch. Yeah, but at least now it's done! Hey, podcast, Lister. I'm Eli Boss. And me, clip-plop-pomp. Here to tell you about Hello Fresh. What? I'm Forget. Oh, what's Hello Fresh? Oh, right. What? I'm Forget Again. He didn't say it. If he doesn't say it, he doesn't get the point. Oh, what's Hello Fresh? Oh, right. What? Um, forget again. He didn't say it. If he doesn't say it, he doesn't get the point. That doesn't count.

You give point or I squish. Okay, okay. I'm open to maybe giving the point. We'll see. Right. Anyways, it's America's number one meal kit. Kickstart a fresh fall routine with Hello Fresh. Hello Fresh handles all meal planning and shopping to deliver everything you need to cook up a tasty meal right at home. They do the hard part and you

get to take the credit. Like Congress, am I right? That's right, ClipClub Tom, just like Congress. And when it comes to options, honestly, more is more. That's why HelloFresh's menu includes 40 recipes and over 100 add-on items to choose from every week. That's 400 options. No, not. Anyways, when you get Hello Fresh, you know you're getting top-notch produce and sit travels from the farm to your door in less than seven days.

Six days. Well, I possibly. I became a Hello Fresh customer when they became a sponsor. I love how easy the boxes are to unpack and how simple the cook and great tasting the food is. Even you can make it clip-clop-tom. Because make a sponsor. I love how easy the boxes are to unpack and I was simple to cook and great tasting the food is. Even you can make it clip clop tom. Cause make us squeeze. Okay, well, maybe not you go to hello fresh dot com slash 50 citation and use code 50 citation for 50% off plus 15% off the next two months. So me, go to hello fresh dot com slash 50 citation and use code 50 citation for 50% off plus 15% off the next two months

That's right clip club Tom. All right. Hey question. Sure clip club Tom How me do that? We'll talk about it layer. I'm putting the point on the board, buddy See I'm putting it on no squash and putting on the board me still gonna squish you know, I knew that I knew it. I'm putting it on, no squash, I'm putting on the board. Me's still gonna squish. I knew that. I knew it. I'm writing it. And we're back when we last left off. We learned that Mel Gibson is a bad source for historical accuracy. So tell us, see, so did the battle is sterling actually have extras sort of half acidly swinging their swords and then changing their mind midway in the big panning shot? Or was that also bullshit? Every battle has extras. They have extras because that pisses off

Tom later when they don't count them. So it's every bad. Did that all really happen in the movie? I love, I remember loving this movie. God damn it. So we all know the background here. The English invaded and at this point they're marching around the north with a large force. They get to a winding river called the River Fourth. The only place for an army to stay mostly together in cross is over a small wooden bridge at Sterling Castle. The Scottish are nearby on the north side as the English start to fill up the south side of the river around the bridge. The English spends

several days looking for a better place to cross the river, and there just isn't one. So they send over some emissaries to talk with the Scottish and with William Wallace. And this is what he said to have told them, quote, we are not here to make peace, but to do battle to defend ourselves and liberate our kingdom. Let them come on and we shall prove this to their very beards and quote, okay, I can't be the only person now disappointed that nobody's ever wanted to prove anything to my beard. Right. I like this better than never take our freedom of speech. Yeah, it's better actually. Yeah, I was going to say now this bridge is really long and narrow. Only two men see down horseback can fit across and no one's flinching here. So after a few days,

I guess the English shrug and think, what's the worst that can happen? We'll pin in that. On September 11th, 1297, never forget. They started to cross the bridge in a long cop. Now, this is a controlled demolition. The thing is, wouldn't the bridge just have burned them in? Now, this is an army of about 9000 men Islamic terrorism

Slomic haggis Paris you have to hear it all Or not at all that's radical Agus Islamic Nailed it, Eli. You're not free. You've absolutely killed that one. Now, this is an army of about 9,000 men, 2,000 cavalry and 7,000 infantry. It's going to take them literally all day to cross this bridge. So they start filling up on the other side, making

way for people behind and nothing happens. Walls just lets them cross for a while. He was like, there was a lot of after you going on with that line. No, no, no, no, I insist. Hey, the Scottish guy in the futuristic skirt that we don't have yet in this universe. He's just waving us into his area. I feel like we're good. universe, he's just waving us into his area. I feel like we're good. Right. So after about two thousand nights, cavalry and footman crossover, Wallace orders his troops to charge them. The English countercharge with their cavalry and the Scottish spearmen counter the English charging on horses. I'm just envisioning a lot of people shouting,

aha. The Scottish then use the overwhelming numbers to just push the English back away from the north end of the bridge. The Scots just don't have to do much to control the bridge, as only a few people from the south can cross it at one time. So they just set up there, and they hold off the rest of the English reinforcement as their side mobs up the English on the wrong side of the river. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that one of the knights on the English side did fight his way back across the bridge.

His name was Sir Marmaduke Thwang. Okay, but... Come on. I think we all know how he survived Cecil. Ah-ha, you Scottish brute, have F-E! Hello! Ah-ha, you Scottish brute, have FD! Oh, I'll have FD English pastors. You may only wish to take the life of Thermomoduc Fwang. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry man.

Wait, what did you say? Oh, I said you may only wish to take the life of Therm Mama Duke Dwing. Marma Duke Dwing? Jesus. It's a royal name. It's a royal name. It's a royal name. I don't want to fight you anymore. Oh, come on. You're going to fight me. Sorry, Marma Duke. I'm a man who's proud of his skills.

And I refuse to be the man who killed Marma Duke Dwing. I'd be a laughing stock. Come on, have it. Have it! I said no, Marmaduke. Fine, fine. I should head back across the river. All my stuff with the bow. Many this day will fall to the twang of Thwang. It's not better. You don't know. Okay, twang of twang is genius. That's what that guy said.

Thank you. Chances are the troops on the getting killed side of the river tried to cross it by swimming. Some may have made it, most probably drowned. The English troops on the safe side of the river decided to leave and take the bridge with them. They leave a small contingent of troops at the castle and retreat back to the part of Scotland they already conquered. The Scottish chased them and harassed them and killed them and raids all the way to

Durham, England. Wallace, who was at very least partially responsible for the victory, was named the Guardian of Scotland and the commander of the army. He also killed one of the leaders of the English army and supposedly took some of his skin quote from his head to his heel to make there with a balldrick for his sword and quote. Ew. I mean, that sounds badass, but in practice,

I better didn't go so smoothly. Did, what are you doing? Hold it still. I'm trying, it keeps tearing. Well, then to hold it gently. It keeps tearing. Well, then hold it gently. It's asking, Dev. Believe me, I'm holding it as gingerly as it is possible for a human being to do.

This is crazy. We make sure she's all the time, Tim. Yaman, of cows. Cows are basically giant hexagons of flat surface with super durable skin? We're working with like 6% tank here. Are you smithies? How close my new Baldric?

We're great sir. Almost done. I, I, I, yes. I show where it's on the field of battle. You, you sure will sir? You want to just do a cow and tell him the guy was really handy. I mean, you'd never guess it from our accents, but we are a Scottish.

Exactly, thank you. I'm gonna wash my hands. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Okay. So just slow process to get the skin when you first do it. Like, yeah.

William was, does this big dramatic kill, right? It's like the one where you cut the guy's throat. It was a big deal, but then he was like, all right, he's gonna get a good rip start. Fuck it with silence. I trim my fingernails right before the battle. Anybody got fingernails way down? It's like a quarter of a CD. If I start with my teeth, I don't want to start it with a cheek. Should I go over the dick on the front or the bottom on the back now that I think about

it? Let's start it with the cheek. Should I go over the dick on the front or the bottle on the back? Now that I think about it, the Edward Scotch hammer did not take this news well. He makes a truce with France and he marches his army north to deal with Wallace. And he starts pillaging, trying to call out the Scottish army and Wallace, but Wallace will not take the bait. I guess Wallace and his army did follow them around

and hairy them on occasion, but any cut off their supply lines to try to get them to retreat back to England. Supplies got solo for them at one point. Edward had a quell of riot of his own troops by just killing a lot of them. From what I read, he started out with 25,000 and the desertion and rioting basically lost them about 40% of his army. Or 160% of his army has. Somewhere there is the right number. After three months of just tromping around Scotland, things were not looking good for Edward, but then he received word that the Scottish army was camped at Falcourk.

Yeah, this is called by the way, the Fabian strategy. You avoid direct conflicts and just try to harass your opponent and hope he'll leave. That's a strategy that every little brother has to master at some point in his life. So I'm a big fan. So Edward fucks off with what's left of his nearly starving army to fall Kirk to finally get the big ass battle he was looking for. They arrive and the Scottish have no choice but to fight. And they're greatly outnumbered.

The Scottish army is about 6,000 men, English forces around 15,000. The cavalry disparity is about two and a half to one as well. The Scottish have dealt with the English cavalry before, and Wallace orders his spears to basically turn to big spiked circles to fend off a charge from any direction. And it works for a few passes. But eventually, the spearmen were fired on by English longbowmen and crossbows. The spearmen had no real protection from arrows and bolts and they were cut down. After the spears were routed, the rest of the army either died or fled. Damn it. We practiced porky pine maneuver, but never took.

I can't believe it, yeah. Right? It seems like the arrows always win because that's guns. Yeah, at this point of history, right? Why are both sides confused by that? The Scottish are bringing big sticks to a literal gunfight. And the English waste a bunch of cavalry and then finally eventually realize,

okay, maybe we use the fucking guns right away. No one just goes straight to guns. Wallace made it out alive, but his reputation did not. So he resigned as the Guardian of Scotland in September of 1298. His next few years aren't well-documented. Again, let's check in with the movie to see how, if there's any accuracy there. Nope.

Wallace did not have an affair with the English princess Isabella France. She was born in 1295, three years. Oh, Jesus. I hope he didn't. I just, I remember watching some show where they were like asking historians about inaccuracies in that movie and the historians kept going, can we do just bill and Ted? I want to do this. This is going to take forever.

There's a lot in this movie. There's a lot. Focus, inventor. We want to do focus adventure. One thing, Wallace, might have done is travel to mainland Europe to try to enlist help from the Pope. There is no real documentation about this, but there is some evidence that he tried to enlist the king of France to help in the Scottish War of Independence.

Didn't work. He returned to Scotland and continued some rebellion stuff for the next few years. He should just told the Pope he was a Nazi. That always works. Yeah. That'll do it. Yeah. In 1305, Wallace was in a town near Glasgow and was captured by the English.

They carved him off to England, put him on trial for treason, and the atrocities against civilians during the war. One of the lines that the charges read, quote, sparing neither age nor sex, monk nor none. End quote. is red quote, sparing neither age nor sex, monk nor none." They took a garland of oak and they crowned him king of the outlaws. His response to the treason chart was quote, I could not be a traitor to Edward for I was never his subject." Also sick burn. Okay, first Jesus then this guy, know what you were alive. When did we figure out ironic browns weren't the slam we thought they were? Yeah, it seems like they were excited about that moment.

I feel like we should bring that back though. Like big trials get run by a beginner improv class with props. Sure. I like that actually. All right. Now, the torture scene at the end of Braveheart, that actually was pretty spot on. On August 23rd,

1305, 718 years ago today, Wallace was stripped naked and dragged through the streets of London. Now, trigger warning, I'll be listing off the things they did to him straight from Wikipedia. Quote, he was hanged, drawn and quartered, strangled by hanging, but released while he was still alive, emasculated, eviscerated with his bowels burned before him, he headed, then cut into four parts while his head was dipped in tar and placed on a spike atop London bridge while his limbs were displayed separately in Newcastle, Burwick, Sterling, and Perth. I wonder if those cities competed for him like the Olympics, right? And a bunch of like school kids submit essays on my sterling would be such a great place

for the left arm or something. We can't not to downplay the moment or anything, but it's no skin off my nose what they do to me after they hang me to down. Yeah. Oh, and then we're going to torture your house like. Yeah. Punch those bricks right in the balls, man. I don't what are you doing? Wallace would eventually become the poster boy for Scottish independence with monuments in his honor.

Paul was written about him in streets all over Scotland bearing his name. Robert the Bruce would become the next guardian of Scotland. And unlike in the movie, probably didn't know each other, at least they didn't know each other well. In 1306. What? He had their rules for the first jacket. No, it didn't know each other or at least they didn't know each other well. 13 oh six. Robber for the jacket. No, it didn't happen. No, no.

In 13 oh six, Robert the Bruce would unite the armies of Scotland and fight for eight years against the English, finally getting Edward's son Edward the second to flee. But that is a story for another day. I will now again let you all yell freedom Choose started all the water what's the movie and if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence He's so what would it be William Wallace proves you can win the battle and lose the war damn sure did are you ready for the quiz Let's do this freedom. All right, see you still as far as I can tell William Wallace was mostly renowned for successfully

defending a bridge once. But pretty much it's possibly four bridges. You'll be histories all made up. See nobody knows if anything ever happened. I hate you. D I hate you. D I hate you. That's correct. Yeah. That's the right. You're feelings can't be wrong, Cecil. All right, Cecil.

William Wallace had a little extra head to heal skin left over after his sword ball drug. What did he make out of it? A, an ass-got, B, sack, cloth, or C, a knack,

Kurt Chiff. No, he's a quick, but that's what knack, Kurt Chiff already. That's knack, Kurt. That's not knack, already. Yeah, okay. Ask. It's ask. Thank you. Yes.

Correct. I don't think that's correct. No, no, actually it's a cot made out of an ass. It's necker chiff. It was necker chiff. Okay. He's still one more for you. And you know, speaking of the skin thing, obviously we're all folks on skin.

Yeah, sure. No one thing is going to do it. Mill Gibson obviously needs to do a movie about the guy who got skinned. What's the best title for that movie? Hey, playback. Because, because, because, Mill Gibson was in, hey, payback. Yeah. Yep.

Mad mask. Orc. The man without a face. Oh, well done. Oh, I got, I'm going with playback. That's just too good. Playback is correct. Hold on.

All right, well, it looks like our winner this week is Eli. Woo! All right, I want a Heath essay next week. All right, overheat Eli's season on time. I'm a Noah thank you for hanging out with us today with Begg next week. And by then, he'll be an expert on something else. Between now and then, be sure to check out Cecil's cooking show, season, liberally, and

be sure to check out Tom and Eli on D-Roll Dats. Plus, other stuff. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com, so stay cetacean-potterly, visit 5starReview, wherever you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect to us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out CitationPod.com. And left, General Walleth, you've met your match. And did I have you've bested me and my death is a hand. Tell me, brother, may I know the name of the man who has bested me?

Um, will it? Come, brother, I haven't long told me now. My name is it is It's Chris. Thank you Chris. Thank you. Yeah, no problem Gentlemen, I'm afraid I've got terrible news. The stone of sin is gone He's gone. You can do it. You can do it. Why was it on it's in? He did it again. You got to do it.

You got to do it again. You're laughing. He tried to do it fast. It didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work it. You're left. He tried to do it fast. It's in words. Sound with it. Work. Get to do it again. It's the hardest I've ever made Tom left. Come on. Oh, man. What?

What? It just happened to repeat it as fucking ridiculous. Got a roll. Not so. Why was it on a tune? Hey, what's your turn? No, no, these sad oons. There's no need to moon.

The stone is gone. The stone is gone. The very one. Sorry, that's a bit thin. I recognized a tan.. I recognize the tin. Is it about to stand? The stone is getting his gun. This was a very silly sketch.

Yeah, but at least now it's done. That was great. That was great. Really funny. Oh, we're going to get so much bad mail. They're going to invite us back to End Girl for that one. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's revenge.

They're gonna invite us back to End Girl for that one. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's revenge.