Citizens of the World: A Stoic Podcast for Curious Travelers - Goals! How to Achieve Your New Year’s Resolutions

Episode Date: December 18, 2021

“Putting things off is the biggest waste of life,” Seneca says, “it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today.” Seneca, On the Shortness of Life.Most of us don’t follow through on our New Year’s Resolutions because we treat them like wishes and not goals. Ideally, if we want to achieve a goal, we map out a plan to achieve it and follow through. Today’s episode is about setting yourself up for success by focusing on your goals.❤️Hello! I'm your host, Sarah Mikutel. But the real question is, who are you? Where are you now and where do you want to be? Can I help you get there?Visit sarahmikutel.com to learn how we can work together to help you achieve more peace, happiness, and positive transformation in your life.Book your Enneagram typing session by going to sarahmikutel.com/typingsessionDo you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Welcome to Live Without Borders, a travel and wellness show for expats, the expat curious, and globally minded citizens of the world. We are the travelers, the culturally curious, the experiences and not things kind of people. And we know that freedom is about more than getting on a plane. It's about becoming the most heroic versions of ourselves, which is why on this podcast, you will hear insider travel secrets, inspiring expat stories, and advice on how to live abroad. but you will also hear episodes that will help give you the clarity, focus, and skills you need to create a life that will set your soul on fire. I am your host, Sarah Micatel, a certified clarity coach trained in the Enneagram, and I first moved abroad on my own at age 18, and I have been permanently enjoying life in Europe since 2010. If you are ready to make some big moves in your life

and want my help moving from someday to seize the day, visit live without borderspodcast.com. Most of us don't follow through on New Year's resolutions because we treat them like wishes and not goals. Ideally, when we want to achieve a goal, we map out a plan to achieve it and we follow through. That's ideally. Seneca said, putting things off is the biggest waste of life. It snatches away each day as it comes and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today. meaning we think we've got forever until we keep putting things off and that is a huge waste.

How long have you been putting off what you really want to do? Day to day, we often don't feel the ticking of time, but then as New Year's E rolls around, we remember all the things that we've wanted to do and we start promising things to ourselves. As I mentioned at the start, New Year's resolutions rarely work because they're often these hazy ideas without a plan. Also, people have a really long list of everything that they want to change and they try to do everything at once, which makes them feel totally overwhelmed, and then they give up. And if this is you, don't feel like you are alone or that there is something wrong with you. I made the same resolution for many years to be

more organized if you need to know, and I never follow through because I never learned how it was never taught these skills in school. Most of us are not taught these practical skills, like how to set and achieve goals. Also, some people are naturally wired to be super, driven and hit all of their targets. And this doesn't make them better people. And it doesn't mean there's no hope for the rest of us. There is. That is what this episode is all about. Step one to achieving your goals is to figure out what really matters to you. What are your values? This is what we need to keep coming back to. If we're not grounded in what's really important to us, it's so easy to get distracted. Every year I like to do an obituary exercise to keep me rooted

in my life's mission and values. And I will share some of these questions for, for you to ponder right now or whenever you get some time. Answer these questions as if you've lived your ideal life, you're 90 years old, feeling good, looking back on the life that you led and let your imagination run wild. So what motto did I live my life by? Something I really lived and breathed, not just said. How would people describe me? What new things did I try that I was too scared to attempt when I was younger. How did I overcome my fears to try those things? What used to make me unhappy and how did I turn that around? What activities brought me the most joy? How often did I do them? Which kinds of people brought me the most joy? How often did I see them in person? Really think about

what matters most to you. I really love this exercise. Give yourself some time to sit down and journal about these questions. Another exercise that I like to bring people through, and this is a common coaching exercise, is to use a scale of one to 10 to rate the different categories in your life in order of importance. Like what is important to you right now? Scale of one to 10. Friendship, family, learning, career, spirituality, fun, health, volunteering, financial. You can come up with your own categories, but those are some like pretty good buckets that you could use. Again, scale of one to 10, how important is this to you right now? And then after you do that, score each category one to 10. How much time do you actually dedicate to what you say is important? There is often a mismatch

of what we say is important to us and how much time we're spending on it. Whether you want to lose 10 pounds, move abroad, start a podcast, whatever your goal is, connect to why this means so much to you and then dedicate time to do it. You're more likely to stick to your goals when you are intrinsically motivated. That is, you find them personally rewarding. They are aligned with your values as opposed to extrinsic motivation. When you're doing something just because you want other people to think you're cool, you want to receive praise from other people, you want to avoid being criticized by other people. When your self-worth is tied to external outcomes were much more likely to be anxious or depressed or to feel totally blocked and not get

started at all. So get started with your goals and celebrate taking that first step. Okay, now you are clear on your values. It's time to decide on which goal or goals you want to pursue right now. Senica said the archer must know what he is seeking to hit. Then he must aim and control the weapon by his skill. Our plans missed. carry because they have no aim. So we need to have a plan here. What do you want to focus on? Not what do you think you should focus on, but what do you actually want to accomplish? What excites you? What will improve your life? Billionaire Warren Buffett famously gave this advice to his private pilot when they were having a chat about his pilot's career priorities.

Warren Buffett said, write down the 25 goals that you want to achieve. Then choose the top five. you're going to create two lists, one just with the top five and another list with the remaining 20. And he said, you should only be focusing on that first list of your top five. You can save the other 20 for later, but don't worry about them now because they're just going to end up distracting you and then you won't get anything done. And some people say that even five is too much. Many productivity books these days say that you should be focusing on one thing. Or you might want to pick one priority for a few areas of your life to focus on right now, like health, work, and relationships.

So choose your priority or priorities and then ask yourself, do you think I can achieve this? Have other people like me accomplish this who could serve as my role model? Marcus Aurelia said, not to assume it's impossible because you find it hard, but to recognize that if it's humanly possible, you can do it too. So how committed are you to making your goals happen? Most importantly, how does this align with your values? Gabrielle Otengin, a researcher on the science of motivation, says that when we dream about things that we want in life, it feels good. We relax and we can actually become too calm, she says. Here's a quote, by fooling our brains into thinking we're already successful, we lose motivation and energy to do what it takes to actually become.

successful, end quote. So what we really need to do, according to Gabriel, is something called mental contrasting, which pulls people out of their dream state and pushes them to actually engage with that dream. She explains her WOOP framework, that's WOOP, that she came up with in her book Rethinking Positive Thinking. So Woop stands for Wish Outcome Obstacle Plan, and I am going to quote an exercise from the book, Rethinking Positive Thinking. We begin with a W-in-Woop, a wish or concern that you might have. Relax, take another breath, and think about one wish or concern in your personal or professional life, something that is challenging, but that you think is possible for you to achieve in a given period of time. It could

be something you could accomplish in a year, a month, a week, a day, whatever you wish to decide to whoop. Now, think of the first O in Woop, the outcome. What is the first O in Woop? What is the best thing that you associate with fulfilling your wish or solving your concern? Identify this outcome and keep it in your mind's eye. Really think about it. Imagine the relevant events and experiences as vividly as possible. Let your mind go. Don't hesitate to give your thoughts and images free rein. Take your time. You may close your eyes if you would like. When you are ready, open your eyes again. It's time to focus on the second O in Woop. The obstacle. Sometimes things do not work out as well as we would like. What is it in you that holds you

back? What is it really? Find the most critical internal obstacle that prevents you from fulfilling your wish or solving your concern. What thoughts or behaviors might play a role? How about habits or preconceived notions? When thinking about obstacles, people often look to the external world naming circumstances or individuals they feel are blocking them, but by choosing a wish that we think is feasible, we're already accounting for obstacles outside of us. If serious obstacles outside us existed, the wish wouldn't be feasible. When you are ready, let's move to the P-E part of Woop, the plan. What can you do to overcome or circumvent your obstacle? Name one thought or action you can take the most effective one and hold it in your mind.

Then think about when and where the obstacle will next occur. Form an if-then plan. If obstacle X occurs when and where, then I will perform behavior Y. Repeat this if-then plan to yourself one more time. So I find that to be a very helpful exercise. And I just love if-then formulas. That last piece that she talks about, I think is very important in our daily lives. One of my most important if-then formulas is if I am noticing a lot of resistance in my body to doing something, then I know I need to do it because I usually feel that resistance when there's something important that I should be doing, that I should be prioritizing. And my tendency as a type 9 enneagram is to put off that most important thing. It might be something that's pulling me out of my comfort.

zone, maybe putting me center stage, maybe making me make some sort of big decision. And so I feel this sort of like resistance and kind of like, I kind of want to bury this and I'll just do this later. I know now I have to like listen to my body and use that as a cue. When I feel that, then I do the thing that I'm avoiding. And that has been really, really helpful for me. So again, Gabrielle says for this whoop exercise to really let your mind flow, visualize images, and take your time when you're first doing this. She says, like, the first time you do this exercise, it could take 15 to 20 minutes, but then you can start using whoop for everything in your life.

And it might just take a few minutes to whoop something in your life. All right. So you've whooped your goal and it feels great to you. Now it's time to take the next step. So ask yourself, what is the number one thing that I can start doing? today to help me achieve my goal. An example could be going to bed one hour earlier. Maybe you are just in the habit of staying up late, but you're not really doing anything, or you're doom scrolling on Instagram and you would actually, your lifestyle would improve greatly if you just went to bed one

hour earlier. If your goal is to get up early to go for a jog, then going to bed an hour earlier could be the top thing that could help you. That is up for you to decide. And then you have to ask yourself, what's the number one thing that I need to stop doing that can help me achieve my goal? And maybe this is stop using social media altogether. Or if you're trying to lose weight, stop buying snacks. Stop having snacks in the house. Just as examples. Now, when I talk about what you should stop doing, I'm not just talking about what you know you should stop doing, like things that aren't good for you. Stop doing also includes things that you like, but that might be distracted. you from your current priorities, like I mentioned in that Warren Buffett example. And it can also

mean cutting your losses. And this can be really tough when you've invested a lot of time, money, and energy into something. Like, you really gave it your all, but it's just not working. I have my MFA in creative writing. And in the literary world, we call this killing your darlings. Maybe you spent a year on a novel and then you realize that a certain character doesn't need to be there and you just need to kill them off. But you've spent hundreds of hours working on this book. And so you feel a real resistance to you. Oh, am I really going to go back to square one and take this character out and move things around? And so you might like hesitate and drag your feet for a little while. But then you realize that you need to stop what you're doing and pivot. And that's killing your darlings. That's cutting your losses.

And recognize that those weren't wasted hours, all of that work that you did. That work. That put you on the path to where you want to go now. So kill your darlings and ask yourself, where do I need to Marie Kondo my life? What sparks joy that I want to keep? And what do I need to thank for its service and let go of? Marcus Aurelius said, if you seek tranquility, do less, or more accurately, do what's essential and in the requisite way, which brings a double satisfaction to do less better because most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you will have more time and more tranquility. Ask yourself at every moment, is this necessary? We need to eliminate unnecessary assumptions as well to eliminate the

unnecessary actions that follow. And I will just underline that right there. Eliminate unnecessary assumptions. And then all of the stories in your head that come along. along with that and like unnecessary planning, stop making assumptions. The Stoics believed in focusing on what's important and designing routines to help them optimize their time on this earth. They stayed mindful about what they were put here to do. They cut out distractions and they contemplated what could get in the way of their goals. Pray Medetachio Malorum, planning for what could go wrong. Stoic morning meditations involve imagining the obstacles that could get in your way. And planning around that, this does not mean anxiously ruminating about what if,

but taking a step back and thoughtfully considering what might trip you up. Of course, we should imagine how we want things to play out as well. So what excites you about what you're doing? What is the outcome that you're planning for? And then get started and keep going, keep showing up every day. Most of us quit way too early. We dip our toes into something and then we get scared and we give up. We don't commit to our goal for long enough to see if something could work or what might not be working and how to fix that. We think that we gave something our all, but often we just did a lot of busy work without taking any real action to move ourselves forward. I have definitely been guilty of this. Stoics don't quit. They find a way. If something doesn't work, they adjust.

That's how you make progress. Trying something adjusting, trying something else adjusting. It's an experiment. We don't need to have the plan all figured out and rigidly stick to it from the get-go. Like how we do something isn't as important is what our goal is, what the end goal is. Yes, we should plan, but then we need to adjust those plans as we get more information. And we shouldn't be too tied to the outcome. The Stoics say it's pointless to worry about whether something will turn out the way we want it or not because most things are not in our control. All we can do is show up and do our best. A metaphor that Stoics use is that of the archer, which you heard me reference earlier, the archer can

practice hitting his or her target, but getting a bullseye isn't always in their control. Maybe somebody bumps you as you're shooting. Maybe somebody moves the target as soon as the arrow leaves your woe. The archer doesn't let the thought of these possibilities keep them from showing up. And they don't crumble if they miss the mark. They just keep showing up and improving one shot at a time. When most coaches and authors and even researchers talk about accomplishing goals, they lump everybody together as if we all have the same innate ability to set and achieve goals.

But this is not true at all. Some people are naturally future-oriented and wired to go after what they want. In anagram world, they are known as the aggressive stance or the assertive stance. These are types 3, 7, and 8, the achiever, the epicure, and the challenger. They know what they want and they have no problem going for it. They are high energy action takers who don't make a ton of space for feelings. If you're in this aggressive stance, especially if you're a business leader, be mindful that other people don't move as fast as you do and get their opinions and explain what you're doing if you want their buy-in. Just because you want to charge forward, it doesn't mean that. that other people are going to follow you. They want to feel like you're listening to them. They want to know why you're doing what you're doing. They don't want to just follow blindly. So if you want to meet less resistance, and this goes if you are the leader of a family as well, slow down and check in with people. So I mentioned that's the aggressive stance. And stances are

how we process information and interact with the world. These are our natural tendencies. there's also the compliance stance, which is also known as the dutiful or dependent stance, and they're more present oriented, and that's types 2, 1, and 6, the helper, the improver, and the loyalist. And they're thinking about what is happening now for me to deal with. Who needs my attention? What needs my attention in this very moment? They might have a plan to do something and then it completely falls out of their head if something else pops up in the meantime. It can be really difficult for them to move forward because of perfectionist tendencies, especially with the one, type one, trying to make everyone happy, type two, what if thinking, type six.

If you are in this stance, you need to stay mindful of sticking to your plan instead of dropping everything to do what's right in front of you this very second. And then we have the withdrawn stance, which is past oriented, types nine, four, and five. the peacemaker, the individualist slash romantic, and the observer. And we are thinking, what has happened in the past that can inform what's happening now? What has my history shown me? What's experienced shown me? People in this stance are slower moving and we don't like to be rushed. We need time to process things. We are the dreamers who are in our own little worlds and can come off as shy or introverted. And if you are in this stance, you need to notice your tendons.

to procrastinate and create a plan and stick to a plan or consider working with somebody who can help you stop overthinking so you can start taking action. So there is your very quick overview of these three stances. There's more to it than that, but you've got the basics of aggressive, compliant, withdrawn, and each enneagram type within each stance is driven by different motivations, as I've mentioned before. That's part of their personality pattern, and you can go to sarahmicadal.com slash Enegram 101 to learn more about that.

So which stance do you identify with the most? When it comes to achieving goals, what do you think you need to work on based on everything I've said so far? I mentioned that the aggressive stance are the fast-moving go-getters. Get out of my way. I'm achieving this goal.

They're wired that way. But the great news is that we all have the capability to develop skills in the areas we want to grow. And this begins with self-awareness of how we perceive the world, how we're acting, why we do the things that we do. And side note, think about the people in your life and see if you notice their energy and whether they are primarily focused on what's next, what's in front of them, or what's already happened. This can help you relate better to them and also understand where they're coming from, especially in arguments, like in relationships, one person might be like moving on to the next thing, what's happening in the future, and the other person might be like, hey, I'm still not over what happened yesterday.

All right, time blocking. Get time on your calendar for what's important to you and show up no matter what. There are different theories on what you should tackle first in the morning, but a dominant theory and one that makes a ton of sense to me is to do your most important work first. meaning the work that will take you one step closer to achieving your goal. Hello, I'm an diagram type 9, which means I love comfort, and I'm in the withdrawn stance. And in the past, I considered watching hours of online courses to develop my skills to be work. I loved this. I still do watch online courses all the time. I'm a lifelong learner to the core. However, online learning does not need to be the first thing that I do in the morning, and it was for a really long time. Consuming an online course isn't taking action. So how do you take action? Well, here are some

steps that you can follow once you're clear on your goals and your priorities. Step one, write out all of the steps that you need to do to make your goal happen. Put the steps in order, make them small and specific and achievable. You don't want to overwhelm yourself or be like really vague. Your task is to write a book, right? You need to break that down in chunks. How much are you going to do a day? When are you going to do it? When are you going to write the outline? So write out all of your steps, put them in order and then get time on the calendar, ideally the same time every day, to do those steps. I find it to be very helpful to use a paper planner like the full focus planner to map out how you're spending your time each day. So they have different hours throughout the day. And so you can put

what activity you're working on next to each hour. And I put meetings in Google calendar as well. I think digital planners can work well in conjunction with a physical planner. But I just find like having that right in my face as a visual cue to organize myself each day. It keeps it top of mind where I find in the past with just pure digital planner like doing everything on Google. I would kind of forget about it. Like I would go in these peaks and valleys of planning. But when you have a physical reminder for me, I find that to be very useful. And then set aside time each week to review the past week and to plan for the next week.

And finally, cut out any distractions while you're working. So flip your phone over so you don't see any text popping up. Turn off your email notifications. I actually like turn email completely off so nothing pops up. Set a timer if you want and get to work. Imagine how amazing it will feel when you wake up in the morning and you know exactly how you're going to be spending. your day. I feel like that is the worst feeling when you wake up, say on a Saturday, and you've got the whole day ahead of you. And you're like, so what am I going to do? I'm not sure. And then by the

end of the day, you're like, oh my gosh, what did I even do? Once in a while, those blank days could be good. Maybe you need to recharge. But I know for me anyway, if I get to the end of the day and start thinking of all the things I wanted to do and I really did nothing, I don't think that's a good feeling, and it's definitely not going to help you achieve any of your goals. To sum all of this up, get clear on your values. What is important to you? Why is it important to you? Try the obituary exercise. Next, brainstorm all of the goals that you want to achieve in life. Then choose a few to focus on right now. How do these relate to your values? Then whoop, wish outcome obstacle plan. Do this exercise for all of your goals. Then what's the number one

thing you need to start doing to achieve your goal, and the number one thing you need to stop doing. Block out time on your calendar to do the thing. Aim high, but don't obsess over the outcome. Many things are not in your control. Keep showing up and understand that some people are natural go-getters and the rest of us need to develop those skills and we can develop those skills. That last takeaway is so important. It doesn't matter if you've had trouble following through on your goals in the past. Your future can be completely different, but you need to be aware of your blunt spots and open to the possibility that you can change. That's all for now. Go ahead and follow the show or hit subscribe so you can hear more episodes like this. And if you would like my help

taking bold action on your own dreams, like living abroad, changing careers and other life transitions, visit live without borderspodcast.com. Thanks for listening and have a beautiful week wherever you are. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarahygotele.com slash blank no more.