Citizens of the World: A Stoic Podcast for Curious Travelers - Make More Meaningful Connections (Oikeiosis)

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

What would life be like if we felt more happy connections with people on a regular basis? How can we embrace the wider world and bring people closer to us, even if for a few moments at the seaside? OikeiosisStoics believe we are all citizens of the world, part of one global community. This is Stoic cosmopolitanism. The Stoic philosopher Seneca said: “Our relations with one another are like a stone arch, which would collapse if the stones did not mutually support each other, and which is upheld in this very way.” Seneca, Letter 95, Tao of SenecaJust like each stone in an arch depends on the strength of the others to maintain its stability, we human beings are part of a harmonious system meant to support one another.Stoics believe meaningful connection is important to our wellbeing, and for society as a whole. We’re here on this Earth to take care of one another, and this starts with taking care of ourselves. I’ve talked previously about the Stoic concept of the circles of concern, which describes our relationships to everyone, including ourselves.https://sarahmikutel.com/Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Welcome to Live Without Borders, a podcast about how to live the good life through stoicism, personal development, and cultural exploration. I'm your host, Sarah Megatel, an American in England who's here to help fellow citizens of the world like you make the most of the brief time you have here on Earth. It is time to make every moment matter. A few weeks ago, I met Kelly, a little dog who looks like a cross between a Jack Russell and a Chihuahua. I saw her walking along the beach in an orange sweater. And then later, when I passed her again on the upper cliffs, the clothes had come off. She looks naked now, I said to her owner, Andrew, who I did not know until I said that. And then Andrew told me that Kelly is a rescue dog from Greece.

I asked if I could pet her and he said yes. So I kneeled down and Kelly nuzzled right up to me. And Andrew said, wow, she does not usually do that. She's really quite cautious. Of course, my serotonin levels were off the charts at hearing that I had the magic touch? We like to be liked, and we like people like us. What would life be like if we felt more happy connections with people on a regular basis? How can we embrace the wider world and bring people closer to us, even if just for a few moments at the seaside? Stoics believe we are all

citizens of the world, part of the global community. This is Stoic cosmopolitanism. The Stoic philosopher Seneca said, our relations with one another are like a stone arch, which would collapse if the stones did not mutually support each other and which is upheld in this very way. And that is Seneca's letter 95. And I quoted that from the Dow of Seneca. Just like each stone in an arch depends on the strength of others to maintain its stability, we human beings are part of a harmonious system meant to support one another. Stoics believe meaningful connection is important to our well-being. And for society as a whole, we are here on this earth to take care of one another. And this starts with taking care of ourselves. I've talked previously about the stoic concept of the

circles of concern, which describes our relationships to everyone, including ourselves. So imagine a series of concentric circles. You are the center. Your family is the next ring out. Your extended family is the ring after that, then your friends, then the greater community, people from your country, then all of humanity. And modern philosopher Kai Whiteing extended it even further to the earth and the environment. The closer each circle is to you, the closer your relationship, and this starts with you, you are responsible for taking care of your well-being, and maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself. Your next sphere of care and responsibility is devoted to your family. You continue to expand your circles of concern to eventually include

everyone, and this affinity is called oikiosis. While it would be impossible to treat everyone the same, you couldn't care for somebody in another country the same way you could care for your mother. The idea is to draw people closer to your inner circle. Oikos means home in Greek. You are welcoming people closer to your home, to your center. Nearly 2,000 years later, a neuroscientist specializing in human connection put the concept of oikiosis to the test. Dr. Paul Zach wasn't studying oikiosis specifically, but he was exploring the chemistry of morality. what makes us moral pro-social creatures?

After years of research, he's found that oxytocin is the moral molecule and something that only mammals produce. Mammals, especially humans, need to spend more time nurturing their babies, and oxytocin helps moms and baby bond. Paul wondered if our levels of oxytocin changed based on our circles of concern. He wasn't using stoic language, but this was the idea. In a fascinating bit of research, he tested out, this idea at a wedding. Before the ceremony, he drew blood from the soon-to-be-married couple,

their immediate family members, friends, and he drew blood again after this ceremony to look at how their oxytocin levels may have changed. Here's how he described what happened, and he said this in his TED talk, quote, weddings cause a release of oxytocin, but they do so in a very particular way. Who is the center of the wedding solar system, the bride? She had the biggest increase in oxytocin. Who loves the wedding almost as much as the bride? Her mother. That's right. Her mother was number two. Then the groom's father, then the groom, then the family, then the friends. A raid around the bride like planets around the sun. So I think it tells us that we've designed this ritual to connect us to this new couple, connect us emotionally. Why? Because we need them to be

successful at reproducing and to perpetuate the species. And that was from his TED Talk, trust, morality, and oxytocin. Now, this sample size is absolutely tiny. A few people at a wedding party, but still, how intriguing is it that Heracles circles of concern maps so wonderfully with its wedding solar system? P.S., if you were thinking, hmm, I'm surprised that the groom wasn't number two in terms of oxytocin levels. Well, according to Paul, oxytocin, can be inhibited when people have been abused, are extremely stressed, or have high testosterone, and during the ceremony, the groom's testosterone levels doubled. A nature article on the impacts of isolation during the pandemic backs up how our social world

is structured. Quote, we do not treat all the members of our social world equally. Rather, our social networks and communities have a distinctive fractal structure, forming a series of ever-widening layers around us. These layers are defined both by the frequency with which we contact individual members and by the emotional closeness we feel to them. This pattern reflects a combination of the choices that we make about investing in individual relationships as a function of the benefits that they provide for us when the time available for focus social interaction is inevitably limited. The average size of human personal social networks is

150 individuals. However, there are notable individual differences that reflect gender and personality. Women typically have larger inner layers than men do, even though the total network size remains similar. And this is commensurate with women's often better performance on key social cognitive abilities, such as putting oneself in others' shoes. In part, this typical advantage reflects the fact that women's relationships are more emotionally intense, more focused, and thus also more more fragile that is prone to fracture than those of men whose relationships have a more casual club-like quality. Similarly, extroverts typically have larger social networks than introverts. Because extroverts distribute their available social time more widely, their average emotional

closeness to network members is lower. Age also has a dramatic effect on the structure of our social networks. Network size increases with age up to around 250 people in the mid-20s, retrenches to a stable 150 from the later 20s to the late 60s and then declines from the 70s onwards. The increase during adolescence reflects the gradual refinement of perspective taking and other social cognitive skills that enable us to handle more relationships. The decline into old age largely reflects the failure to replace friendships that have been lost, end quote. And that is from the article, Social Isolation and the Brain in the Pandemic Era. in nature. More recent research by Dr. Paul Zach suggests that older people release more oxytocin than younger people when engaging in pro-social behavior, including volunteer work and donating money,

and maybe that's why they do it more. This could also explain the so-called happiness curve, which says happiness starts to go down at the end of our teenage years and starts going back up in middle age. And in our 60s, we go back to being as happy as teenagers, according to certain studies. The happiest people are extending their circles of concern. They're extending who they care about, starting with themselves and then their immediate circle and expanding outward. In addition to stoicism and oxytocin, there are several psychological theories as to why we feel good when we connect with others.

The self-expansion theory says that we are motivated to grow as individuals, and an important way that we do this is through relationships. And this includes encounters with strangers. who broaden our perspectives and sense of identity. Another article in the magazine Nature recently reported on a study on the transformative effects of secular mass gatherings, which is their fancy way of saying multi-day music festivals. Quote, the most prevalent qualities of transformative experience

were prosocial in nature and were correlated with increased feelings of connectedness between the self and all human beings. Consistent with these reports, participants showed an expanded moral circle with every passing day, an effect partially mediated by feelings of universal connectedness and transformative experience. End quote. Self-expansion theory is also used to explain why couples get bored with each other. At the beginning, there's so much novelty in the sense of who you are is expanding through your learning through this new relationship. relationship, but then as the novelty wears off and people start making less of an effort, partners than disengage. Then there is the similarity effect. And this is when we're attracted to

people whom we perceive to be like us when it comes to looks, values, interests, other criteria. When we see someone reading a book that we love on the subway, we get excited and it's like, oh, I like this person. I could be friends with this person. We describe positive attitudes toward people who seem similar to us in some way. When I saw Andrew walking with the little dog Kelly, I didn't consciously clock, oh, he's an animal lover, he is just like me. But our conversation played out this way, and I'm sure that I felt that on some level. I told him about our family dog who passed away over the summer, and we had a really nice

brief bonding experience before going about our separate ways. The more exchanges we have like this, the more we get to know people better, then we can decide who are the ones that we want to develop an even deeper relationship with. And those are usually the ones who we have the most common with. Related is social identity theory, which suggests that the groups we belong to form part of our identity. So your gym crew, your political affiliation, church group, and so on. We sort people into they are just like us or they are not like us categories. This helps us make sense of the world and ourselves. Of course, this can also lead to stereotyping, exclusion, and anger. In one of the most famous passages of the meditations,

Marcus Aurelius says, at the start of the day, tell yourself, I shall meet people who are officious, ungrateful, abusive, treacherous, malicious, and selfish. In every case, they've got like this because of their ignorance of good and bad. But I have seen goodness and badness for what they are, and I know that what is good is what is morally right, and what is morally wrong, and I've seen the true nature of the wrongdoer himself and know that he's related to me. Not in the sense that we share blood and seed, but by virtue of the fact that we both partake of the same intelligence and of a portion of the divine. None of them can harm me anyway because none of them can infect me with immorality, nor can I become angry with someone who's related to me

or hate him, because we were born to work together, like feet or hands or eye, lids like the rows of upper and lower teeth. To work against each other is therefore unnatural, and anger and rejection count as working against. And that is from Meditations 2.1 from the Robin Waterfield translation. We are all from the same universal family, connected by a divine spark, and our ability to reason when we are acting as our highest selves. So what Marcus was saying is, Yes, we might have people who seem completely different from us, people we can't stand, but we really need to take the perspective of, in the core, we are all of the same family. We really need to try to see the other side of things.

Understand that when we think people are doing things badly or wrongly, that they're often doing them in ignorance. And this can help us pull us out of the stereotyping and exclusion and the anger that we have at people who seem so unlike us. As cosmopolitans then, we should be questioning our assumptions and looking for areas of agreement. This includes giving people the benefit of the doubt and finding common ground. So how do we make this great to big world of ours? I feel a little more intimate and connected. Well, I have some ideas for you. To start, challenge your beliefs about people. Assume you have at least one thing in common with everyone, even people who don't seem similar to you at all.

Approach people with the intention of having a nice exchange. Be optimistic that it will go well instead of stressing out that it won't. Take a look around you and use your environment to kick off conversation. So if you want to start chatting with somebody but you can't think of what to say, just use context cues from what is around you. So sample phrases depending on wherever you are. Wow, your coat looks so warm. Where did you buy it? I feel so overwhelmed by all these bubble tea options. What do you usually get? I am loving this walking tour. What made you decide to sign up for this? Ask open-ended questions to keep conversation going. Even when you talk about the weather, this can lead to interesting conversations. If somebody says, I can't believe how hot it is, you could reply, this reminds me of, and then tell the story of your hottest summer ever. You can play the game first, alas,

best, worst. What is the best beach you ever visited? Who was the best teacher you ever had? When was the last time you sang karaoke? These questions can lead to discoveries about similar experiences, passions and common values and beliefs. And finally, share something personal. When you open up about yourself, the other person may feel more comfortable reciprocating. You don't have to confess all of your secrets, just what feels appropriate. This can be as basic as sharing your favorite hobby. And this sharing is especially important for those of us who are fantastic listeners, but we hold back from contributing to a conversation. When we don't share, we remain shrouded in this mystery in the people can't get to know us. The key to turning strangers into friends is to be curious and

open-minded. By sharing interests and experiences through simple conversations or deep ones, we establish a sense of belonging and social connection that enhances our well-being. At the end of this TED Talk, Paul Zag's prescription for a happy life was eight hugs a day. If eight hugs a day sounds too intense for you, you can start with a handshake. When I finished petting the little Greek dog, Callie, on the cliff overlooking the water, her owner Andrew, held out his hand to say goodbye. I was surprised by this because this doesn't always happen during random chats, but I gladly accepted his hand and I appreciated this little oxytocin boost enough to remember the story and share it here with you. I'll end with a quote from Ticknatham.

Waking up this morning, I smile. 24 brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion. Do you have a very important? Do you have go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot. I created a free conversation cheat sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarah mygatel.com slash blank no more.