Citizens of the World: A Stoic Podcast for Curious Travelers - The Truth about Mr. Darcy + Nonviolent Communication Tips for Conflict Resolution

Episode Date: December 8, 2024

Mr. Darcy has been on my mind this week. Not because he’s the fantasy of so many women, but because I finally read Pride and Prejudice, and discovered something shocking (to me) about him. I’d always thought of Mr. Darcy as this tall, brooding, misunderstood character. The fabulously wealthy, handsome man who everyone thinks is a jerk, but secretly has a heart of gold and wants to take care of you. This is why women have been obsessed with him for hundreds of years. The strong, silent, mysterious hero. But that’s not who he starts out as in the book. Reading Pride and Prejudice reveals so much more about him, and about what it takes to change and grow. In this episode, I’ll share what Mr. Darcy’s transformation can teach us about:how honest conversations can lead to personal transformation – for you and the person you’re speaking with.why hard conversations are worth having, even when they feel risky or uncomfortable.what Stoic principles and practical communication tools can help us handle conflict gracefully.By the way – hello! I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, an American writer, communication coach, and practicing Stoic based in England.sarahmikutel.comNonviolent communication tipsDo you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

I have always loved watching Pride and Prejudice, whether it's the Kira Knightley version with Matthew McFadion as Mr. Darcy, the BBC miniseries with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. This was the role that set women on fire for decades. Or the inspired Bridget Jones Diary featuring Colin Firth again as Mr. Mark Darcy. And of course, I love Elizabeth Bennett. She is the witty heroine, and in my fantasy world, I am and best friends with her and Josephine March from Little Women, and together we spend our days reading and writing and strolling through our charming village, imagining stories about the lives that we're glimpsing through the candlelit windows. And in my scene, in my head, snow is gently falling on our hair on a quiet Christmas night. But it's Mr. Darcy who has been on my

mind this week, and not just because he's the fantasy of so many women, but because I finally read, not just watched, but red pride and prejudice. And I discovered something shocking to me about him. So maybe other people, I'm sure many other people have had this realization. But I had always thought of Mr. Darcy as this tall, brooding, misunderstood character, that fabulously wealthy handsome man who everyone thinks is a jerk, but secretly he has a heart of gold and he wants to take care of you. And this is why women have been obsessed with him for on of years at this point, the strong, silent, mysterious hero. But that's not who he starts out as in the book. And reading Pride and Prejudice reveals so much more about him and about what it takes

to change and to grow. In this episode, I will share what Mr. Darcy's transformation can teach us about, one, how honest conversations can lead to personal transformation for you and also the person you're speaking with. Two, why hard conversations are worth having, even when they feel risky or uncomfortable. And three, what stoic principles and practical communication tools we can use to help us handle conflict gracefully? By the way, hello, I am your host, Sarah Micahettel, an American writer and communication coach in England and a practicing stoic. Let's begin with a moment that changed everything for Darcy. If you've seen the films or read the book, you'll remember that people initially think he's a prideful snob.

And he was. Let's talk about the infamous marriage proposal. When he asks for Elizabeth's hand, he prefaces his proposal by basically saying, your family is garbage and this relationship doesn't make much sense. But I can't help myself. I want you despite your extremely low status. And Elizabeth sensibly refutes him. We all remember this as one of the most epic marriage refusals of all time.

Also, Joe March refusing Lori is way up there for completely different reasons, but I will stay on topic. When I watched this scene in the film Pride and Prejudice, I found the marriage proposal insulting, but I think part of me thought it was just some misunderstanding that he was really a good guy underneath. And maybe I was influenced by all the Mr. Darcy lore surrounding him for all of these years. but later in the book, Mr. Darcy actually owns up to his past behavior and he apologizes to Elizabeth and he essentially says, no, you are right. I actually was being a jerk and I would have kept being a jerk had you not stood up to me. To quote Pride and Prejudice, here is what Mr. Darcy says. The recollection of what I then said of my conduct, my manners, my expressions during the whole of it is now and has been many months inexpressibly painful to me. Your reproof so well applied I shall never forget. You said, had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner, those were your words. You know not. You can scarcely conceive how they have tortured me, though it was some time I confess before I was

reasonable enough to allow their justice. I have been a selfish being all my life in practice, though not in principle. As a child, I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. Unfortunately, an only son, and for many years an only child,

I was spoiled by my parents, who though good themselves, my father particularly, all that was benevolent and amiable, allowed and courage, almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing, to care for none beyond my own family circle, to think meanly of all the rest of the world, to wish at least to think meanly of their sense and worth compared with my own.

Such I was from eight to eight and twenty, and such I might still have been. But for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth, what do I not owe you? You taught me a lesson hard indeed at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased." Wow, I am still in awe of these words which Jane Austen wrote in the 1700s. It was published later, but she was writing these words in the 1700s.

Elizabeth's refusal makes Darcy re-examine who he is and the life he's living. Her honesty motivates him to own up to his poor behavior and become a better man. The Stoics believed that challenges, including in interpersonal relationships, are opportunities to improve ourselves. Marcus Aurelia said, if anyone can refute me, show me I am making a mistake or looking at things from the wrong perspective. And I will gladly change. It's the truth that I'm after. And the truth never harmed anyone.

What harms us is to persist in self-deceit and ignorance. Unquote. And that is from Meditation 621, Gregory Hay's translation. This is an excellent reminder to all of us today that sharing how we feel can actually help other people and improve a relationship. Now, in the book Pride and Prejudice, the marriage proposal scene gets heated

and they fight instead of having a productive conversation. But we can still learn a lesson here. Many people don't want to have the hard conversation. They would rather sit in silent discomfort for years than risk the discomfort of a confrontation or potential confrontation. Either way, you've got discomfort, So you can choose a more productive discomfort, one that might actually move you forward personally and in your relationship. Or maybe if you are very conflict diverse and I can relate to this, you just give up on the person altogether and walk away.

But what if you chose to believe in them instead? What if instead of avoiding the issue, you said what needed to be said with the intention of helping the other person and with the intention of growing the relationship? The Stoics taught us that we can't control other people's reactions, only our own actions and intentions. But even if the end result is not completely in our control, when we approach a tough conversation with integrity and genuine care, we're more likely to influence a positive outcome. Elizabeth's refusal wasn't about trying to hurt Darcy. In fact, when you read the book, you see how much care she puts into her words usually before she says them. So she wasn't trying to hurt him. She was trying to stay true to herself and the virtues and characteristics that matter most

to her. And her words had a profound effect on Darcy. And he changed as a person and this growth eventually won Elizabeth over. But perhaps the greatest benefit was his transformation into becoming a better man regardless of the outcome. If Elizabeth had refused him again, he still would have become a better person and developed a better character. Calling out someone for being spoiled and insufferable won't always end as well as it did for Elizabeth. Fortunately for us, there are communication frameworks that we can use to have better conversations with other people. Non-violent communication is a framework that was developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. And this communication framework helps people manage conflict without attacking the other person.

Nonviolent communication is a very stoic way of interacting because it blends caring and connection with openness and accepting emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of blaming someone for how you feel, you share your own needs and value. So instead of saying, you made me so angry or you're such a jerk, you can share how a specific situation or action makes you feel. For example, if you or Elizabeth Bennett says, when you say that you're willing to overlook my family's inferior station in life, I feel upset. It makes me think that you value the opinion of strangers more than you would the character

of your own wife. It's important to me to marry someone who's. shares my values and has empathy for other people. Nonviolent communication also gets us in the habit of making objective observations, so stating facts, without layering on judgments. This is especially helpful if the other person is upset, angry. You won't win them over by doubling down on your argument. The other person needs to feel safe to speak their mind and feel like you actually want to hear what they have to say. So before you share your side of things, try listening to what the other person is saying and reflect back what you're hearing in your own words and truly trying to

understand what they're saying, not being robotic about this framework, but actually being mindful about what the other person is going through. So in the book, after Elizabeth's refusal, Darcy snaps back. Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections, to congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own? He is embarrassed and he's angry, and many psychologists say that anger is a secondary emotion that serves as a coping mechanism for another emotion, like sadness or shame. Using a non-violent communication approach, Elizabeth may have responded, Hey, I hear you. It sounds like you are worried that we come from a very different world.

And you're right. Your family is more connected than mine and has more money. And a relationship between us would be more complicated because of family and societal expectations. All of that is true. And I also believe that people who share the same values can overcome many things. Notice the use of the word and instead of but. So she is saying all of that is true and I also believe. If she had said all that is true, but that would have negated everything she had said before. That's the yes and approach from improv, building on what's been said rather than shutting it down.

Nonviolent communication emphasizes avoiding. But because it often canceled out everything that came before it in the listener's mind. A final thing I'll mention about nonviolent communication is that it's about making requests instead of telling people what to do. So it's not, if you don't come to dinner at my parents' house every Sunday, then I'm breaking up with you. That would be a threat. A request would be, it would mean a lot to me if you got to know my family better. Would you be willing to have dinner with them on Sunday? And they have the right to say no. Of course, it's nice to have a partner who will do the things that matter most to you. So decide what those things are. What are your non-negotiables? And what can you let slide? Set standards for yourself and communicate them. And find people who want to be part of this world. So to recap, Darcy became a great man because Elizabeth opened his eyes to the fact that he was spoiled. He was prideful. She told him off. And that work.

in this story, but telling people off often backfires. For a more stoic way to manage conflict, try nonviolent communication. This means making observations without adding in your own interpretations of what's happening, without layering on your own judgments. You can, of course, share your side of the story, but don't lead with assumptions, especially if they're negative. Identify and express your feelings without blaming other. others. Say what's important to you and why. What do you need? Make specific actionable requests instead of demands. So the next time you are tempted to avoid a tough talk or to fight, remember that honest communication delivered with courage and care has the power to transform

your relationship. And we can look to Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth for inspiration. If you would like bonus material on how to manage conflict better using nonviolent communication, go to stoic well-being.com slash Darcy. That's all for now. I'm Sarah Micahettel, wishing you a beautiful week wherever you are. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it, at sarah micotel.com slash blank no more.