Citizens of the World: A Stoic Podcast for Curious Travelers - The Wrong Way to Listen

Episode Date: March 7, 2026

Turns out there’s not just one way to listen – there are four, at least according to the authors of Adaptive Listening: How to Cultivate Trust and Traction at Work.In this episode, I share when to use each level of listening, plus the question you should always ask yourself before opening your mouth. Read the article. Read Adaptive Listening. ***I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.If you want to become a more calm, confident communicator at work and in your personal life – let’s talk.Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

There are four ways to practice adaptive listening. Most of us only use one. Years ago, my grandmother asked me to edit a poem of hers. Well, she was many things. A restaurant owner, a politician, an animal rescuer, a dancer, a mender of clothes. She wasn't as far as I knew, somebody who explored traditionally creative pursuits. She wanted me to submit her poem to Reader's Digest, and I wanted to help. I had degrees in journalism and creative writing, and I wrote and edited for a living.

So my grandmother to show love to people, she hosted dinner parties. To show people I love them, I edited resumes and anything word-related. So I took out my red pen and I slashed my way through the only copy of the poem that my grandmother had, effectively murdering all her darlings, as they say in the literary world. I gave her what she asked for. I was editing her poem. But today I wonder if this is what she even wanted. Maybe she wanted simple tweaks or praise or a blessing. I wish I had been more curious. What would she have said if I asked, what inspired you to write this? Have you written other things? I don't remember asking. Sometimes even when we think we are listening, we're not listening in the way that's most useful for the person or situation. And it turns out there's not just one way to listen. There are four, at least according to Megan Stevens and Nicole Lowenbronn,

and these are the authors of Adaptive Listening, How to Cultivate Trust and Traction at Work. You may have heard of active listening. This is making eye contact, not interrupting, paraphrasing what you've heard. This shows that we are paying attention. It helps other people feel heard. And Stevens and Lowen Brown, they say that we also need to practice adapt. listening. And this is the kind of listening that recognizes the kind of attention the person needs. Everyone has a goal when they speak to us. And our job, according to the authors, is to listen in one of the

four ways that will help people achieve their goal. And the framework they use is called said, S-A-I-D, because at work and in life, you are always listening to what is said and what is not said. And said stands for S support, A, advance, I immerse, and D, discern. Support listening is when someone needs to feel heard, so you are validating them. You're not solving a problem. Like when your direct report comes to you after a project gets killed and needs you to acknowledge the loss before talking about what comes next. Advanced listening is when you're listening to move something forward, like when working on a cross-functional team and they have been rehashing the same three options for a week and someone needs to say, here's what I'm hearing, let's go with option two and revisit

in 30 days. Amherst listening is when you are there to learn, you're not there to provide input, like when you are sitting in on your first meeting with a new client and realizing that the smartest move is to ask questions and take notes. And discern listening is when someone needs your critical eye, like when your colleague shares a draft of a proposal and says, be honest, is this ready to send? So those are the four kinds of adaptive listening. And Stevens and Loenbrun say that you should always practice support listening and you can layer the other types of listening on top of that as needed. Support listening is related to active listening in that it's the why behind the how. So the why is the validation, the support, and the how is the active listening,

the paraphrasing, the eye contact. So support listening, active listening is key. And this reminds me of a story about a friend who believes that writing reviews is her civic duty. And she once tried to convince me to join in her crusade to take down bad restaurants. And I said, no, I'm not going to do that. So, okay, this is obviously a family member I'm talking about. We're a little more direct with them. We have a lot more history with them. So I said, no, I'm not going to do that. I'm sick of everyone rating and reviewing everything. Often it's unfair. People are jealous. People are getting paid to write a good or a bad review. I don't want to be part of the system. And she says, you're not validating me. And I said, no, I'm not going to validate you. I don't like this review base world. It is getting too black mirror. So, oops, that went from a request to a disagreement.

And she wanted some support listening or credit regarding the good work that she felt she was doing. And instead of saying, tell me more, I started critiquing the whole premise of online reviews. If I had practiced support listening and active listening, maybe she would have been open to hearing my broader thoughts. But leading with my worldview when she wanted to feel heard was not helpful. A trickier version of this mismatch is when the speaker themselves is asking for the wrong kind of listening. If you're a coach or a consultant or any kind of business owner, once in a while you will experience a client who's asking for one thing when you know something else is what will really help them achieve their goals. I once worked with a client who'd taken time off due to burnout.

When we first met, she talked about how overwhelmed she was now that she was back at work, and she spoke with this urgent energy. She had epic to-do lists, and she said she wanted help with organization and time management. And as we talked, her real issue surfaced. She didn't need a better system. She needed to overcome her compulsion to check her email and teams every few minutes. She described taking a sick day, then checking her work messages until 9 p.m. because she couldn't tolerate the anxiety of being unreachable or being out of the loop.

Support listening meant slowing down with her, letting her talk it all out, asking questions that will generate her own insight, and sitting in the discomfort of the real problem with her when it reveals itself. While frameworks like said S-A-I-D can be helpful, at the heart of listening is something much simpler. The people in front of us are more than the questions. they ask or the requests that they make. To give them what they need, the authors of adaptive listening say we need to ask a question that is very basic and familiar to any good friend or coach. And that question is, what does this person need from me in this moment? The mismatch between your default mode of listening and someone else's need is where most

listening failures happen. Unfortunately, my grandmother is gone now. I don't know what she would have said if I had paused before picking up that red pen and attacking her poem. Maybe she really did just want the edit. I wish I had slowed down long enough to listen in a different way. So the next time someone comes to you with a problem, a story, a request, try pausing before you respond. Ask yourself, Are they looking for support, momentum, understanding, feedback? You won't always get it right, but pausing will keep you aligned with your purpose. That's all for now. I'm your host, Sarah Mikital, a writer, podcaster, and coach over here in England. Thank you so much for listening and have a beautiful week wherever you are.

Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you, you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarahmicatel.com slash blank no more.