Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 42

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

Rapid-fire Q and A submitted from the listeners! A variety of topics with a five-minute time cap per answer. 1. Is it common for people to turn to religion on deployment 2. I've been an LEO for 14 years, advice for coping with what we see/deal with at work 3. I'm 20 and have a vision for my life, how do I cut out success anchoring friends/relationships 4. I want to move in with my girlfriend but my Mom is absolutely against it for religious reasons 5. I got dumped 2 years ago and it is still impacting me, is my strategy wrong Enjoy Join me on the Stereo app Tuesdays and Thursdays: 

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to dial on the knife that fits your lifestyle. Benchmade.com for all your sharp-edged needs. And that's it. Let's dive in. Danger close now. Well, here we are. Episode number 42. Let's dig into this so we can get into our weekend. Question one. First of all, thank you for providing quality content on a regular basis and offering

your very interesting insights. When listening to your last episode with Chad Wright, I was wondering if you have ever experienced fellow SEALs or Special Operations Forces operators turn towards religion while on deployment. I myself would call my son. an agnostic. However, I was raised in Bavaria, Germany, which is very Catholic, and have experienced many Catholic traditions. I would not call myself a Catholic by any means, but I would consider myself somewhat knowledgeable in that regard. I've heard from several people that they

turn towards religion as a means of persisting, and I am therefore wondering if stories like Chad's happen often, or if you have experienced something similar in your former work environment. We'd love to hear your insight on this. Well, You referenced the most recent episode I did with Chad. And what I would recommend for people when it comes to his experience and how he feels about religion is go back and listen to that episode. He will do a better job of, of course, explaining what he believes and how he feels than I ever could. So if you haven't listened to that episode and you're curious about my answer to this, go back. That would be a starting point.

What I would say is I have seen it, but I've never seen somebody turn to. religion specifically on deployment, as you mentioned in the second sentence of your question. In my experience, what I have seen were people like Bill Rapier, who is probably the most devout religious individual that I served with. And he came into the military with that belief and faith and ethos. It's who he is. It's who he has always been. He brought that with him into the SEAL community. There were quite a few people who were like that. And I'm not even going to attempt to put a percentage on that because it would be completely anecdotal. Outside of people like Bill, and I use Bill because he has been on the podcast and he spoke

openly about it. So again, you could go listen to his experience with religion in the military, specifically the SEAL teams. The other aspect of religion that I have seen is people who find religion while in the military. And like I said, I've never seen somebody that I knew of. This could have been something that they did privately or personally, but I never knew of anyone that I serve with who outwardly turned towards religion on deployment. I did serve with a couple people that I would describe again as born again Christians. I think that would be the correct terminology. and the difference that I will say that I found between those individuals and individuals like Bill or Chad, is that, or I guess I should say Bill specifically because Chad did, in fact, find religion while on deployment,

is that one of those groups was a little bit more, I don't want to say pushy, but that's the best and most honest term that I can say. there was an experience while we were on deployment that an individual who, because of some pretty gnarly things in his personal life, had turned towards religion where he asked me if we could have a few minutes to talk and I thought we were going to talk about something related to what we were doing overseas on deployment. And instead, he pulled out a Bible and he wanted to read me some Bible verses and talk about what the verses meant to him and what they potentially could mean to me. It was kind of a sales pitch. That's how I took it. And I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it was. And I'm fine with that. I have no issue with people in their personal beliefs.

I have no issue with the Bible. I also would describe myself as an agnostic. I've read the Bible from cover to cover on multiple occasions, actually. And my feelings on faith is that I support it. I think that people who have turned to religion or do turn to religion, and it gives them a framework. and an understanding of who they are and how they want to live their life, that is amazing. And I'm envious of that faith often. It has never had that feeling for me, and I'm not going to force it.

And I spoke openly about that, I believe, on the episode with Bill. I don't enjoy the pushy aspect of it. It wasn't a great experience that I had with that individual. We didn't have too many more interactions on that deployment, and it was at the tail end of the deployment. It was what it was. People will turn to different things, some healthy, some not healthy, to oftentimes deal with whatever it is that they are personally going through or professionally going through. And I think I've said it pretty often. You know, my theory on that is believe what you want to. I fully support people believing whatever they want. I start having an issue when it gets

pushed onto me. And their belief is that I should believe exactly what they do. That's where I, that's where I draw the line. So to get back to your question, I would say, yeah, I've had several people that I know of who found religion. Most of them found it or had it coming into the military. But it seemed to be a positive aspect on both sides of that coin. And that's my experience with it. It was not something that stood out to me often. I can think of a handful experiences and not more.

And hopefully that answered your question. Number two, titled Master Somalié, Dr. Stumpf. Now, I've never called myself by that title, but I'm going to now. I'm not a doctor or a Somalié, if I'm being honest, but I like the pairing of those two. It's like a nice cabernet and a hot dog, so I'm going to keep it. I've been a religious listener. I did not mean to pair this question with the previous one. I've been a religious listener to the podcast since the very beginning, and I greatly appreciate what you do. I will preface my question by saying I've been in law enforcement for over 14 years in various capacities. I have recently changed departments to one of the most violent cities in the state. Recently, I have witnessed some things most would call gruesome. In law enforcement and the military, it is well documented that we deal with rough things using dark humor, and I am no different. However, many of the people I work with are much darker than I am.

I'm a bit older than many of the other officers, and I'm wondering if I'm placing a different value on human life than my coworkers. My question is, what? in your opinion are some ways to cope with the things I encounter, and is it wrong that I do not view these things as darkly as my peers? I will also add it does not affect my job performance, and I regularly attend counseling. Sorry for the lengthy question. Thank you again. I'm going to go backwards with this one. First and foremost, I think it's amazing that you regularly attend counseling. I do too. Every Wednesday, it used to be Thursday. I switched to Wednesday. I talk with my counselor for an hour, and it, fuck. It helps. it has given me a better perspective of myself and the things that I have gone through in my life up to this point,

and I think it prepares me for the things that I will go through in the future that I'm not even aware of. So back to your question. Is it wrong that you don't view these things as darkly as your peers? Absolutely not, in my opinion. I totally agree with you on the military and now with my friendships with many in the law enforcement side of the house that I described it as the gallows humor. or dark humor, whatever you would want to describe it as. It's a real thing. And I was thinking about this as I was picking the questions out, and I read your question and I pulled it aside. I almost think it's, you know, if you think of your brain as a pyramid, it's almost like that gallows humor,

that dark sense of humor. It's like a little bit of lubrication that you're putting on the outside of that pyramid to allow things to slide off and down and away as opposed to sticking and eroding that pyramid in and of itself. Because you do see some gruesome things. And it's not that by them sliding down and not adhering that it doesn't have an impact, but I do believe that that dark humor, that gallows humor, it's a little bit of a buffer from it, weighing potentially as much as it possibly could. Having said that, in my own experience, there is of course a variation between people who are very dark to the point where you're like, God damn, man, what are you talking about? You know, or hey, maybe that's a touch too far,

even though it's probably never too far. I mean, I guess it could be too far for some people. The people that I worked with, I think it would almost be impossible for it to be too far. But then there are also those who have no interest in participating in that type of dark humor. and it doesn't seem to be a buffer or coping mechanism that they use. I think that's totally fine. Every human being is different out of the box. So I would expect, personally, that everybody has a different response or tolerance to those type of things. To your question about ways to cope with the things that you encounter, you've already identified the first one.

Regularly attending counseling. I already gave my thoughts on that. The biggest piece of advice that I would give you is find a life and a social social, circle outside of your occupation. I struggled with this and did not do well with this when I was a younger seal. And I don't think it necessarily had a negative consequence on my life, but also this was pre-9-11 in those earlier years. I feel like I did a better job of this towards the tail end of my career. If you only hang out with the people that you work with, what do you think you're going to talk about? Things that happen at work. And you've already described them as oftentimes

quite gruesome. You don't need to relive that with the same people over and over again. To me, there is great value and personal growth by having social circles that are detached from your occupation. I would highly recommend that you find an activity and a group of people hopefully tied to that activity that have nothing to do with your work world. So you can actually just put that suitcase down every once in a while, not have to be burdened with it. And you can go enjoy something completely different from your occupation. When I started doing this, it was a breath of fresh air. It was almost as if that excitement for something new and the new interpersonal relationships. It was kind of pouring actually energy into me as opposed to constantly having to

bat away the things that everybody was dealing with at work and always rechurning them with that same social circle. So look into doing that. Maybe that comes from, you know, tie back to the first question. Maybe that comes from a religious organization or church group or something like that. Or what do a football? What do cops and firefighters play like football or rugby or soccer? I don't know. Actually, that was a bad example because I would want you to find activities outside of those occupations because you come from one of them. So I don't know, pick up golf. Pick up something that's just completely different and work hard to carve a space out for yourself where work doesn't come into it. And I think you'll find you'll be more energized mentally and physically going back

into that job, which will allow you to tolerate that gruesome stuff that I know that your occupation does on a daily basis. And if it works for you, and you mentioned here that you're a little bit older than the other officers, perhaps you could step into a mentorship role and pass that lesson along to them. So hopefully that helps. Question three, I'm 20 years old, in school to become a paramedic with plans of working as a wildland firefighter after graduation. I train in MMA and jujitsu, as well as lift weights daily. However, being relatively fresh out of high school and early into my post-secondary career. I am surrounded by friends who love to party.

Now, to be fair, I like to have fun and party too. However, when I reflect on my mentality compared to my friends, they contrast greatly. Although I appreciate the relationships I have with my friends, I believe it's beneficial to my success to begin removing some of them. I recently heard a quote that says, if you would not switch lives with your friends, they should not be your friends. What are your thoughts on this quote, as well as some advice on how to cut off success anchoring in air quotes relationships well i've never heard that quote and on my initial pass i

would say that sounds pretty good but you might stick yourself a little bit because what if you come up in a really small town what if you don't have access to that many people just based on your geography or where you're from you could be limited with your friends so i would say 8020 on that one. I like the way that it sounds, but I don't think it's quite perfect. Now, on the success anchoring friends and relationships, you're 20, you're very driven. Your email reminds me a little bit of how I was myself in regards to you know where you want to go at an age that I think a lot of people don't. And I also will say, I think that's totally fine. I don't think there should be a stopwatch when you come out of the womb between when you come out of that womb until when you have

to declare what it is you want to do for a living. For some people, I think it's clear. For others, I think it takes time for one, them to figure out who they are and two, to figure out what they want to do. And that's okay. I was very young what I knew what I wanted to do. I was atypical in my peer group, as it sounds like you're atypical in that regard of knowing what you want to do. And I think that's an amazing thing. And I think that will allow you to do amazing things in your life. When it comes to your friends, you know, you're 20. Most people are having a good time when they're 20.

I was having a good time when I was 20. I think it's totally fine and normal as long as you are not being detrimental to yourself or the end state that you have already described. You're going to be partying with some friends that don't have their end state defined and described yet. so they're probably going to have a different mentality. And what I would recommend to you is instead of cutting off, to use your term, what you would describe as success anchoring relationships, consider compartmentalizing.

It's okay to have friends and interface with people on a social perspective in a very compartmentalized perspective. You know, you can love people for who they all. are despite their flaws. And I'll be honest, there are many days that I walk around and I feel like people can only see my flaws and shortcomings. I'm very hard on myself. And those days are very hard for me because I'm literally just blocking myself mentally at every interaction. I try to view that from the other side of the coin and realize that there are also probably other people out there who are stuck in that same headspace. And they're struggling because they don't know and understand what they want to do or they're worried that people are only seeing their mistakes. And I know

that it's a rough place to be. And I want to be able to give those people the grace that I would hope people would give me. You know, I have friends that drink too much, but I love them as a person. So I compartmentalize that relationship and I will not participate with them when they are drinking. or when they go down that path, I will leave. It doesn't mean that I'm going to cut them out of my life. It means I'm going to cut that portion of their behavior out of my life because I don't want it to affect my success. There have people who have beliefs that are diametrically opposed

to the beliefs that I hold on many issues, but I can still love them as a person. I'm not going to engage them on those issues because I know where that leads. If we try to have a conversation and it goes down a bad road, I'm not going to cut them out of my life. I am going to end that conversation and compartmentalize and remember that that is something that I need to avoid. So I'm looking for the good in people because I do believe you are a product of the people that you surround yourself with and you can learn lessons from mistakes.

Not only your mistakes, but other people's mistakes. And you have this choice, right, because you're in control of yourself at all times. So maintain focus on where you want to go, what you want to be, what you want to be, you want to do with your life and don't just cut people out. Compartmentalize. Start with compartmentalize. I'm not going to give you an absolute and say don't cut people out. Compartmentalize first. And if that doesn't work, because there are people who will be like oil and water to your life. And I would say avoid those people, but give them a chance first. After the compartmentalization, if it doesn't work, then consider cutting it out. But have that step in between. You don't have to go one to 10. This is a

one, five, 10 action. And hopefully that will help you. those relationships and hopefully that will help you continue to grow as a person. Question four, two more. In the next month, I will be moving my girlfriend of about a year into my apartment with me. Without getting into the weeds too far, we are both 25. She is an interior designer with a larger firm in our city and loves her jobs and takes pride in being financially independent. I am on the precipice of opening the first location of a franchise of a national smoothie

restaurant here in the coming months and also take pride in being financially and otherwise independent. The dilemma I am facing is my parents. More specifically, my mom is incredibly traditional, very Catholic, and my girlfriend and I would like to tell my parents without hurting the relationship to the point of almost no return. My mother and I over the years have butted heads about faith, since I personally would like to wrap my brain around that topic at my own pace and in my own way, versus the shove down your throat with a shovel method that the Catholic schools I was sent to took. My girlfriend and I have talked for numerous hours, openly and honestly, about moving in together

and where we see our future. We both agree independently that we see ourselves having a serious future together, and that this is the first major step we would like to take. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and comments on this. Thank you for taking the time to read this. well you're in a tough spot i think personal opinion here that moving in together is a great first step to take right you there's a reason why you're dating before you get married you know maybe you need to figure out if you're the type of people that one mesh well together but it could

handle adversity together stress together communication under stress and adversity together and whether or not you feel you can grow together as opposed to grow in a relationship, but in opposite directions. How do you do that? You date somebody. You get to know them. To me, it is a perfect step in between dating and getting married to live with one another because you're going to see each other in, we'll be the polite way to put this. You'll see each other in the non-manicured moments. You'll see somebody, you know, when they first wake up in the morning, and when they're getting ready to go to bed at night, usually the two times a day that I can largely be a mess.

And I think that's good. I think, if you found the right person, what will end up happening in those situations is you'll actually fall deeper in love. When it comes to the aspect of your parents, I get where they're coming from because, again, I'm not a religious person, but I understand the traditional Catholic hierarchy

and what it is that they would be, looking for. But I'll say to you is this. You're 25 and at some point you need to make decisions about your life. You need to prioritize your life, your health, your happiness, and that of potentially this person that hopefully you will end up spending the rest of your life with. I would address it directly with your parents because I say given two options, one being you address it directly. The second one being they find out because you're trying to hide it from them, I would imagine and suspect that the latter option would be more catastrophic than the former. That's just my suspicion. They're your parents. It sounds like you have a relationship

with them. You have already butted head a little heads a little bit over faith. And I completely agree with you that faith and religion, it should be absorbed and consumed at a pace that the individual wants it to be. I don't actually think you can change anybody's mind on anything. You can present to them information and an opportunity with which they can change their mind. It just can't be forced down your throat. In my experience, it's just not effective. But it sounds like you've talked about this in the past with your mom. Obviously, you said you butted head so it didn't necessarily go well.

I'm going to say she might have an anchor in the ground on this particular topic. And you're going to have to decide. You're going to have to decide how you want to handle this and what you are going to prioritize. I'm going to say your parents love you unconditionally. That's my hope for you knowing nothing about you or your parents. If that's the case, be honest with them and let them, you know, provide them that opportunity and information so that they can change their mind. And if they can't change their mind or they don't want to change their mind, that's going

to be on them to bridge the gap. That's not going to be on you. You're a young man who is obviously very interested in a young woman, and at some point, you're going to have to prioritize that. be honest going into this. Don't push it aside and don't hide it. I just think that would be much, much worse. Question five, last one for the day. Since you and Brian have done a stellar job with the topic of relationships, I figured I throw my bullshit in the heaping pile of relationship topics likely flooding your inbox. I promise to keep it short and sweet and talk about

post-relationship coping mechanisms. So here we go. I split up with my significant other over a year ago after several years of dating. In short, I got dumped. My coping mechanism has been a stonewall approach, zero communication, zero social media presence, and I continued to live my life as if this person has never existed. It's been almost two years, and I often think of this person.

At times, it affects my mood and my ability to sleep. I'm coming to the idea that maybe I likely took the wrong approach in coping. I have no marital ties with this person, financial, or kids. I guess I have the benefit of treating this whole affair as if it never happened. And this makes me wonder about those that can't simply block it out, those that have kids or other ties that have to remain part of that person's life. How does one process and cope with that reality? And am I using a terrible strategy?

A different perspective would be refreshing and maybe a stop being a little bitch and suck it up too. So first and foremost, I'm not going to give you that because I honestly think that's a, that's a, low-level idiotic thing to say. I mean, hopefully I can give you a little bit better advice than that, and that actually doesn't help you. Are you using a terrible strategy? I'm going to say, yes, and I'm going to say that because it's still affecting your mood and ability to sleep. I would actually say you're not even using a coping strategy. What you're doing is you're ignoring the impact of what happened and that impact that is still currently affecting you to this day. I would say, and maybe people are tired of hearing me talk about this, I would say go find somebody to talk to. I am not a professional

in relationships in psychology or psychiatry, but there are people out there who are experts in all three of those things. Go find them and talk to them. If something is affecting your mood and it's affecting your ability to sleep, there's a reason for that. And I am not a smart enough person to be able to tell you why. But I think based on the fact it's bothering you almost two years later, yes, it's not a good strategy. Now, to answer your question, is how does one process and cope with the reality of having those ties that you talked about, having kids, and having to remain part of somebody who used to be your significant other's life? My answer to that currently is you do the best you can every single day and you cross bridges as you come to them.

I am recently divorced. I have three kids with my ex-wife. we will be connected for many years to come, whether we hate each other on any given day or are doing our best to work on our communication or be the best parents that we can be for our kids on any given day. It's not easy. You know, divorce is a legal process that changes nothing about your responsibility and role as a parent. And hopefully there's another parent on the other side of that. that. I've been crossing the bridges as I come. It's difficult. And specifically when people have kids, I think the only thing that you can really do to round the edges on it a little bit when

it gets difficult is to focus on your kids. To put the bullshit aside to try your best not to rehash the past because let me tell you right now, it gets you nowhere and improves nothing, but to really focus on the kids and what you want for them in the future. I don't agree with or believe in blocking it out, kids or no kids. I believe in facing what it is that is in front of you, adversity, stress, fill in the blank, and working your way through it as opposed to trying to shove something down deep, deep, deep inside of you and the hopes that it will never come back up and bite you again. Because guess what?

It will. It's been two years and sometimes it affects my mood and ability to sleep. Wink, wink, wink. that's what's happening to you. So address it head on, get somebody that you can talk to, and hopefully that will help you move forward. And perhaps you could find somebody that you feel like you were meant to be with. And if you're able to do that, my suspicion is you will think far less about this other person

who used to be your significant other. And that is all I have for fallout of Friday, 41. Thank you again to Stereo for, sponsoring this episode of Fall Out of Friday. Like I said in the beginning, if you want to have more of this Q&A, more interaction with me directly or potentially with the guests that I'll have on the show, the conversations that I'm going to have, download the stereo app, click on the hyperlink in the show notes or my social media profile. I will schedule the shows in advance and we'll see you there. Join the conversation or just listen in, whatever you're into.

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