Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 60 with Nelson Grant

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

Rapid-fire Q and A submitted from the listeners! A variety of topics with a five-minute time cap per answer, with local renaissance man Nelson Grant. 1. How do I instill grit and determination in my daughter while we raise her in an environment where we could provide for her anything we want. 2. I am the sole breadwinner in the family and my stress level is increasing. How can I avoid resentment. 3. I have been drinking to blackout for nearly 11 years, how do I stop 4. I am the victim of domestic violence, is it worth pressing charges Enjoy https://military.finance/andy-stumpf  

Ladies and gentlemen, this episode of Fall Outer Friday is brought to you by a new partner of mine. Now, I want to be very clear. If anybody ever thinks at any time that I am giving investment advice, you need to check yourself. Because I, as everybody knows who listens to the podcast, am a moron. And if I'm actually being totally transparent, I don't do well when it comes to investing. I haven't tried a bunch of it, but I haven't done well. Now, I'm going to move on here. Military Finance.

If you're listening to this and you're interested in the cryptocurrency world, I'm going to provide for you some information about an organization that was designed, made by veterans for other veterans. My understanding of the cryptocurrency world is that it is the absolute wild west. You've got people out there throwing 50 bucks in a variety of different directions, hoping they're going to become an overnight billionaire so they can fly a helicopter to go get their Starbucks coffee in the morning. What I'll tell you. If that's what you want to do, then you go do that. I have no problem whatsoever people spending their time, energy, effort, and money in whatever direction that they want to. Just understand that your choices come with consequences. If you're into the crypto world, that's great. I know almost nothing about it. I'm trying to learn and I'm actually going to be talking about my journey along the way. However, my involvement with military finance has nothing to do with people's ability to make money, even though I hope everybody makes as much money as they possibly can. It has to be going to be able to make money. It has to do.

do with giving back to a community that is near and dear to my heart. The veteran community. If you're interested in the crypto world, you have more choices than I care to explain or count. And like I said before, go pursue those if you want to. But if you're looking for an option that allows you to pursue your helicopter as you pick up your Carmel Machiatto, whatever it may be in said helicopter and fly back to your mansion, and you also want to give back to the veteran community, you have an option. The giving world when it comes to the veteran community is a literal minefield. And when military finance approached me and asked me to come on board and help them allocate the dollars that they have set aside through the creation of the crypto and the

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What I recommend is you go to military finance, military.finance. Military dot finance. Or click on the link in the show notes. Ladies and gentlemen, this episode of Fall Out of Friday is brought to you by Longer longtime sponsor, On It. Go to onit.com slash hot. But don't do so until you have some time, because there's a lot of offerings. They have supplements. They have nutrition, fitness, apparel, content from the written word, spoken word, visual word, which I suppose would be video, and a variety of other things. You'll know you're the right place because the podcast artwork is

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and the total gut health. things that I use, not every day, but at least every week. So if you're looking to optimize health, performance, longevity, on it.com, slash odd. And that is it on the business side of the house today. Follow out of Friday, Q&A with my buddy Nelson Grant. Away we go. I'm looking at danger close now. I try to pick different topics.

I feel like this is the 60th iteration of this. I feel like there might be some repeat, but I do my best. The first one's on parenting. are both parents. So not that we have the answers to parenting. I'm going to put that disclosure out. Here we go. My wife and I are parents to an eight-year-old daughter who is about to enter third grade. Between my wife's income and mine, we make pretty good money. This has provided us the opportunity to buy pretty much whatever we want, take annual vacations to Hawaii, etc. The unintended consequences with this, however, is that our daughter is starting to become

spoiled. My wife and I fully admit this is our fault, and don't believe this is our daughter's fault, as she was born into this environment we've created and doesn't know anything different. My question is, what would you suggest regarding a path forward as it pertains to instilling grit in our daughter as she continues to grow, as well as avoid any potential braddiness? I'm happy to report we don't give in every time she wants an item or a toy. We've even discussed her doing some volunteer work as she gets a bit of a bit of a bit of older just to try to make or try and keep her humble what else would you suggest with regards to parenting that may help in this regard we'd still like to go on family vacations and whatnot but

don't want to create a brat with thin skin along the way we're starting to see warning signs which is why i'm asking any advice is appreciated it's a tough one i actually know a few people who i'll just say they're independently wealthy and they do have kids and this one i think if you're not cautious. You could set kids up for some gnarliness in the future. I was getting on a commercial, let me see here, I think it was a Southwest flight. I was behind a family. A very young little boy got on and like turned his head to the left and said, mommy, where's the leather seats that we normally sit? And I was like, oh, damn, welcome to the bus with the rest of his sucker. That's awesome.

What do you think, man? Raising kids when money, which for I think a lot of people, they get into that cycle of life where it becomes the end-all-be-all rat race. And I've come to a place in my life where it's certainly important, but it's no longer the most valuable asset that I have. And I have the ability that I could buy my kids some things. But like, as you know, my oldest Riley, he's working. He's managing his own cash. And that's where I would probably begin my answer with this. but I'm going to let you have it.

All right. Parenting expert. Only child? Only child, it seems, eight-year-old daughter. Right there with him. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Layla, my daughter is eight and going into third grade.

Yearly vacations to Hawaii? Oh, yeah. We tend to go out to the lake overnight, you know, do localized vacations. That's actually my definition of wealth, though, is being able to do what you want to do. when you want to do it. And we do do some trips and stuff like that. But man, it's a good, man, really good question. I was trying to think through a bunch of things when you were reading that off.

Hmm. So I think it's important for your daughter and like knowing my daughter. She's too young to really comprehend hard work and what it takes. But my daughter sees when I'm not there like night shift right now. Yeah. I can't go to the beach with her today. So she knows there's sacrifices to be made. It's 150 degrees it feels like here in Montana this week.

And everybody's at the beach, but hey, got to work night shift. You got to grind. And also my response is positive. It's like, hey, you know, this is part for the family. But I think it's really important. So this guy that's writing in, he has done some things to sacrifice to be where he's at. and unless he's just trust fund and all that, which he woke up with checking account. And that happens. And there's some good people that have that luxury. But at some point,

there was some sweat that happened. And it's important for those kids to see where that came from, in my opinion. Yeah. And my daughter, I feel like, is super blessed as well and lucky and fortunate. I mean, she doesn't really want for anything. She's got new clothes. She's involved in a lot of sports. but it's important like for example jujitsu it always comes back there with us but um maybe with you yeah no you talk about it a lot too no locally here so my daughter's in jiu jitsu and it's not her favorite activity she would rather you know play soccer or do anything but jiu jizzo yeah yeah right now which is weird because i have buddies that their daughters love it and they will sacrifice birthday parties to be at jiu jihitsu so my daughter just doesn't have that same desire however

when she's there, she loves it. You know, our community is awesome with that. But I have to make her go to jujitsu and not make her. I just, when I pick her up from school during the school year, it's like, hey, I got your jih Tjitsu gear here. We're going to, and she knows in the morning when we leave. But so there's that, that's something she doesn't necessarily want to do, but I'm, you know, I'm pressing that onto her.

Yeah. And I think that's important until a certain age when she's old enough to be like, hey, listen, this is not something I want to do. Then we'll have that conversation. I don't know, age-wise, maybe 14 or something like that. But I think you and Trav and Kesa were talking about that at once. But that's a little sidebar. But I think it's important for them to do things that are out of their comfort zone

that teaches them how to sweat a little bit. The humility will come from that too. Yeah. And not just, I want to play drums this week and here's a drum set. And I want to play trumpet the next week. Oh, here's a trumpet. I want to ride horses. Here's a pony.

Yep. Yep. And my daughter's in that zone right now. She wants to ride horses. All our friends are doing it. So she's in horse camps a bunch this summer. Do you find that your daughter is brady at times? Well. And I asked that because this person describing bradiness also with an eight-year-old. Yes. Yes. That might just be the phaser in two. It is. And we address it when it comes up. But yeah, I think it's just the growth, the growth of the age. But as far as vacuasion, I think those are important. As long as she sees the sweat equity that made them get to that point and to be able to enjoy the fruits of that. Yeah, I look back at my own upbringing. I came from a solidly middle class family of a Mason father working in the trades. And my mom was doing a variety of administrative work. I don't think I ever needed for anything.

Yeah. But I also was working with my dad every single summer. He was taking taxes out of my paycheck. I would go buy my own school clothes. And I don't know your experience with people who have, I'll call it pretty extravagant wealth. What I've noticed is often the most successful, especially when there's generational wealth that's going to get passed on. The wealth that the parents agree to pass on is a fraction of their overall wealth. And I think that's a good thing.

Because it lets the people know, hey, I've got you. Dot, dot, dot. Like you're going to have to get yourself for a certain time period. So I don't think there's anything wrong with providing the things that your children want and need. There is a difference between that and then doing things for them. My parents would be like, sweet, you want to do this? Here's how many hours you're going to need to work. And they'd provide me the opportunity to work for it.

Yeah. Riley, my oldest right now. He wants a car. Like, hey, man, cool. So we wouldn't got him a part-time job. But he also wants to go hang with his friends. I see he's been hitting Starbucks drive-thru quite a bit. And goddamn he loves these chips called talkies.

And I'll, you know, I'll ask him. I'm like, hey, man, how's that going for the down payment on the car? He's just like, well, not that good. I'm like, yeah, you're kind of buying stuff for your online video games. And we'll have the conversations about like, hey, man, so you just spent 20 bucks for a micro in-game transaction for your video game. How many hours of that is you working? Well, he knows he's getting the race truck, 800 horsepower. It's not 800 horsepower.

And he's not getting the race truck. I know. I'm just kidding. Never driven it. So I'm very fortunate. I have an F-150 that I enjoy very much. It's anything but stock. And he doesn't drive it. Yeah, you met most of my buddies through that truck. Yes. As long as the police officers know to not pull that truck over for any reason or if they do an accident just to let the driver go for excessive speed, we're fine. But it's, you know, he doesn't drive that. He wants to get a car. And I told him, you know, I'll help you, I'll help you with the down payment. But how much do you

want to have, he's like, three grand. I'm like, all right, man, let's talk about three grand in 15 an hour minus taxes. And we're going to have to prioritize. Like, I am not going to do it for you. I mean, will I take my kids on vacation? Yes, I will. Are there ways, though, that I keep them grounded? Not that I could afford to pay first class for everybody, but even if I could, I

wouldn't. Right. I would keep them, I would keep their experience as grounded as possible. Could I afford to rent a, well, it's like an expensive car. I was going to say Lamborghini, but a family of four doesn't fit in that, I don't think. Could you rent some crazy escalade? Maybe. I couldn't financially do it, but even if I could, I wouldn't.

You know what I mean? I would keep as grounded as possible and show them the value of work. There's just a difference between providing things for your kids that can help out on their day-to-day and then doing things for them. I think that's the line in the sand. And to me, it's very telling when huge amounts of wealth, the parents could pass it all to the kids. Like, why didn't you do that? Yeah. Why did you only give them a couple million dollars?

Not that that's a small amount of money, but in comparison to if your net worth has a B associated with it and your kids are getting a few millions, like, why? Because you know. You know what happens when things are given to you for free. That's what I would say when it comes to parenting. Have them, have them work for it. Yeah. Yeah, my daughter, when we go into a store, anytime she's at the age now where shiny things,

you know, pink things and packaging. I'm still at that age too, just so you go. Yeah. So it's, I'm aware of it and I know it's coming. You know, like even if we have to run into the grocery store real quick. Oh, yeah. There's like, oh, hey, look at this. Daddy, daddy. What about this pack of cards? Yeah, exactly. And I also want to be aware of not always saying no, no, no, no, no. You know, we were in the hardware store the other day and she's like, I knew it's coming. She's like, hey, I need some gardening gloves. And she's right. She's outgrown her old guard. So I'm like, yeah, pick them out. So she got these pink, you know, rubber gardening. And she was stoked.

And it's like that also is a balance. Yeah. You know, so not always saying no, but being aware of. And volunteer work I also think is great. I don't think anybody ever goes wrong with volunteer work. I think it totally, depending on what type you do, it might shock you back into reality a little bit. It can be pretty jarring. At eight, though, that lesson, I don't know if the brain's going to process that particular lesson.

Yeah, maybe as a family. As a family, but it'll have more impact, I would say, in as the, as the, teenagers. I learned a term recently to teenage years. That's no big deal. I keep up with the vernacular. So, hopefully that helped. All right. Question two. Advice on stress management. I need advice from an objective third party regarding a disagreement with my husband. So this has nothing to do with the subject line, apparently. I've always been the breadwinner in my family. And while I don't mind taking on the lion's share of the financial responsibility, it has forced me to take on higher paying jobs with more and more accountability and expectations. So it sounds

like this person is climbing the ladder, corporate ladder, and all the things that come with that. Needless to say, I incur a lot of professional stress, which bleeds into my personal life, very common as well. I generally do not discuss work with my husband because he has shown disinterest in the topic. So I take on the stress quietly. I am currently facing a lot of stress at work, and I just can't hide it anymore. I expressed my interest into volunteering to help reinvigorate my perspective, like we're literally just we're talking about, because I feel helping others would motivate me and inspire compassion. His response was, essentially that I need to clean our house before I consider any outside obligations. I'm not going to lie, I tolerate a lot of chaos at home

because I do not have the energy after a long day at work. We have two young kids and four dogs, so things can be a little hectic. I know it could be more attentive at home, but so could he. To be honest, if I felt more supported with things at home, I would not have minded his clean the house comment. But it seems like he just wants to put all the adult responsibilities on me. I stand by my objective to start volunteering, but how do I get him on board without either one of us harboring resentment? Again, thank you. Damn. Wow.

You're letting me shoot this one first. I mean, I can start. I'll start, but I don't know if the writer of this email is going to want to. to hear this, your husband's acting like a bitch. Yeah. I mean, bottom line, a relationship has to be two parties. He cannot be blind to the input you are having and what you are doing and what it is allowing him to do as part of a family. And if he's not going to respect that and he's not going to engage into that and devalue your contribution, he's being a fucking bitch. That's where I would start. Agreed. Yeah. And that's not acceptable. Um,

Resentment is a terrible, terrible thing. I dealt with that in my previous relationship. And the thing that I hate about resentment is I feel like it has an increased gravity over normal things. Like a little bit grows and grows and grows and grows, but it's not linear. If it's not addressed or if they keep doing small things to build on that resentment, it goes from a one to a fucking eight almost overnight. And from my own experience, nothing good came from that. what I should have done and what I tried to do and failed at, and that is on me and not the person I was addressing it with, was make a better case for how I was feeling or articulated in different terms until either one of two things happened. We came to an agreement that things were going to change or we came to an agreement that they were not, which is kind of what happened because I'm no longer with that person. That was a part of it, obviously. Relationships are really, really complicated. But, A good partner should be there to help hold you up when you come back from work and you're stressed out.

And the last thing out of somebody's mind, in my opinion, when you say you want to volunteer outside of the house is, well, you should make sure our house is clean first. I'd give you the old fucking number one salute. Potentially a backhand. I'm not recommending that. You're a law enforcement officer. I don't know where the line is on that. And I'm actually joking. Obviously, don't hit anybody, but that is a, it's a super fucked up thing to say in my opinion.

I would break it down on the not wanting to know anything about the career path or the daily events at work. That one came out to me a little bit too, right? They should be there to support you. Yeah, and maybe, and it could be perspective. This is where maybe some counseling, finding a good, neutral person to talk to with both of them. But maybe he does want to hear about it, and they just aren't setting the time up. in the evenings or whenever they have the opportunity to discuss it or if he doesn't discuss it with him like listen dude you need to listen to what's going on in my life and I want to hear what's going on in yours because that's assuming it's a stay at home yeah dad yeah there's I mean shit I always want to know my kids are up to you like there should be a mutual exchange of information at the end of every day that's what I think is obviously doesn't have to be structured but there should be interest back and forth that's what a partner is in my opinion at least.

And those conversations open up the door for, you know, rabbit trails and, you know, other conversations and it, it, it, uh, adds to the bond. Yeah. You know, um, as far as the, uh, the volunteer work, maybe that's not what they need. If they're already, uh, loaded down with stress or what she needs, because if she's so busy at work and wanting to, I get the outlet thing, maybe do a, do something together. Yeah. Um, a hobby or, I don't know.

But I would say if he doesn't want to get on board, you know, talk to him about it. I would say very openly. If he doesn't want to get on board, I would take the two kids and leave his ass at the house. Yeah. And as you're leaving, I would say, hey, what's for dinner? We'll be back at this hour. Yeah. Like, seriously.

Yeah. Fuck you, man. No, agreed. Yep, agreed. Yeah. Resentment is terrible. God, it's like cancer, but it just spreads so ridiculously fast. My best advice for not having resentment is incredibly open.

and honest conversations. And I actually think you nailed it by putting an objective third person in the middle. The counseling aspect is huge. It doesn't solve any problems. But I think it can help illuminate areas where work can be done. Because this is one thing I hear from people too.

I wouldn't saw a counselor and it didn't do anything. I don't know if you understand how the process works. You can go identify stuff. And then if it's a couple's counseling, you got to go work on that shit. Yeah. Yeah. But at the same time,

if the husband hears this, Stop being a fucking bitch. Question three. Ever since I was 16, I've been drinking to the point of total blackout. And it seems there is really a no in between for me. What's the problem you may ask? Sounds like a good time, some might say. In fact, not.

I am now 27. So damn, 11 years of this. And I find it almost impossible to stop drinking. When I'm drunk, I become the world's biggest asshole. Like a gaping asshole. Thank you for that lovely description. I'm constantly destroying relationships with friends and girlfriends. About a year ago, I started dating an incredible girl who loves to do all the same things as me,

like skydiving, hiking, and rock climbing. The problem is today we found ourselves on the couch having the same conversation I've had with many other past girlfriends. She is considering leaving because I can't get my drinking under control. Part of the reason I find it so hard to stop drinking is because of my social circles. I'm a full-time firefighter, a former Marine. a skydiver and now beginning to get into base jumping. As you know and could probably guess, drinking is a common thing within these circles. I'm so tired of treating the people I love this way,

but it's like a doctor, his jackal, jackal and Mr. Hyde situation. I become scared of myself and the person I turn into when drinking. Any advice on how to stop drinking and mend some of my relationships would be greatly appreciated. Before we get into this, as an LEO, I'm assuming you have repeat customers when it comes to alcohol or substance abuse. Absolutely.

How many of those people would you say are happy with their station in life? None. They're miserable, right? But they cannot change their situation? Correct. Okay. What would you recommend?

It sounds like this person is heading in that, direction very rapidly. Yeah. And I can relate to the circle he's in. Yeah. And, you know, the community that you're around and a lot of times when you get together, alcohol is there, you know. And- But participation in it is a choice. A hundred percent. That stuck out to me too. It's a common thing in those circles, but participation is voluntary. It's really easy to say, well, everybody else was doing it. Yeah. What if, man, I almost went down a gay porn rabbit hole. real quickly on that. What if they were all jumping off of a bridge

without a parachute, right? Does that mean you have to follow into that path? No, you absolutely do not. Right. So for me, that's, and to the person writing this, understand, I understand what you're saying. I hope you realize that's a very common excuse. For sure.

People will say when they don't want to address their own behavior. Yeah. I think the first thing to recognize is that it's become a habit and a pattern that it's going to take some time to break. It's going to take one step on the first day. 11 years of this happened. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. It's not healthy. And he's aware of it. Obviously, he's self, you know, identifying the problem. But it's going to be, it's going to be a slow burn. He needs to, well, he already recognize the problem. So now to fix the problem is definitely change his social circle. You know, that's a huge thing. He has to have the will to stop drinking. So maybe it's getting help with AA.

Like professional, like inpatient care. Yeah, depending on how addictive it is for him. Yeah. If it's a choice, just like a bad habit versus, and he might not know, do I go like five days and not having a drink? Is it going to affect my, you know, physically affect me? I bet you they would feel it pretty rapidly. Yeah. When you drop guys off guys and gals that have substance abuse, whether it's a drug addiction or an alcohol addiction,

I'm assuming they spend some time in the jail? Yes. if there's a crime. Okay. And how quickly do they start feeling the effects of not having those substances? Quickly. So that's when I was working in my narcotics time. Yep.

That was the biggest motivator for people to give up info on their friends, talking meth or heroin, was they didn't, they knew we had them and they did not want to go spend a night. Yeah. So they would tell their deepest secrets, you know, which shows you how addictive it is. And talking about alcohol, like I'm not, I know that DTing is real and that people die from DTs. So on this particular question, whether he's an alcoholic or just a habitual drinker every day,

he needs to recognize it and figure out a process that's going to be consistent for him to stop it, whether that's surrounding himself with people that will hold him accountable or getting some professional help or going through a program. I don't know much about A, but I know that that's what they're. their function is and I don't know on recidivism and like how many people drop out and reuse and all that. But that's the first step in my opinion. The very first step is to sit down and write out a plan. Okay, I don't want to do this anymore. I like this person.

She's going to be supportive. You know, it sounds like she's supportive of it. It would be tough if she's continuing to drink or if she drinks and they're out in that same social circle and he's trying to hold the line. So they might have to have a conversation as a couple. like, hey, if we're at dinner, no drinks. Yeah. You know, nothing around the house. At least to start with.

Yep. You know, the, yeah, if you don't change the environments that you're going to be in and you expect your behavior to change, that's going to be a tough one. Rob Wolf, I think, I heard him talking one day. It was about, essentially it was about the food that you have in your house. Yeah. And I'm this way, too. If there's a bag of chips on the goddamn table, I could have at the beginning of the day this

mental willpower, like, I'm not going to have any of those chips. I'm such, I've been on this. amazing diet for the last 17 minutes. Like, today is the day. But they're there. Yeah. And in the back of your mind, you know they're there. Yep.

So Rob's advice was get it out of the house. Don't even have it in the house because it'll lead you to repressing it, repressing it, repressing it. Oh my God, binge on it. Yeah. Alcohol is the same way. I think you have to change the environment that you are in. I feel fortunate. Like, I can shut drinking off and I can have a great time with it.

And neither of them bother me, but I feel fortunate that it doesn't. That particular substance for me has never been in a place where it's had it hooks in me. The people who I have had in my work circles that it has had their hooks in them, they can't be where it is. Right. They don't have that control. But I will say this, full-time firefighter, awesome, you know, ex-military. You might be surprised in all of these social circles, even though drinking is a common thing. if you were just honest with the people that you're hanging out with, like, hey, I don't think

I'm in control of this anymore. I've had people say that to me in the SEAL community. Guess what I didn't do. Like, go by, I'm a shot at tequila. I'm like, dude. Like, let's get the fuck out of here. Like, what are you doing here? We're all at a bar.

You're telling me you have a problem with alcohol. And you're sitting here watching people order drinks. Like, let's go get some food. Totally. So you might actually find out that the people in these environments will be more receptive to you not wanting to drink than you may realize because you might not be the only. person dealing with this. Oh, 100%. But this 11 years of this behavior, holy shit. That's a long pattern. But he can be in 11 years looking back and maybe just casually with the boys once in a while

or none at all, but could have such a healthy relationship with this girl, have, you know, advanced in whatever physical activities he's doing, just have a whole, he's got 11 more years to form a new pattern habits. Yeah. You know. Doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome, though, is literally the textbook definition of insanity. Yeah. So I'd say change as much of your environment as possible, and then I would seek a higher level of help. I think 11 years, again, not an expert in substance abuse at all,

but I feel like 11 years in anything is going to be a really hard amount of time to course correct on your own. You might need to rewire your brain, again, that you need to talk to you. Totally. You know, the reward, how you talk about yourself, all of those things. And maybe, you know, if you. if you love this woman that you're with, and she's as amazing as you say,

I'd be completely open and honest with her about where you are. This is where I feel like I am. I don't feel like I'm in control. I want to take the steps necessary. And again, I think a partner should be somebody who's there to help support you. Obviously don't take that too far. And then either manipulate her or take that,

take advantage of her because then she is going to be out the door, kicking rocks. So balance that. When you, so the repeat customers that you see at your job, have you seen some of them from early on in their career in air quotes into where they are now? Oh, absolutely. Where was the tipping point where it became irrecoverable? Have you been able to identify that? No, I can't because we're just touching on the very tip of the iceberg.

You're not seeing them on their best behavior. Yeah. And also, we're not following up. I mean, to be honest, it's very superficial contact. It's, they make a, they commit a crime. We make contact. we're like oh what's up andy we bring them to jail and then i drop them off and dust my hands and go on to the next one and so then i see them yep two days later a week later same thing and then

eventually it becomes next year three years later and we're like oh man we've been dealing with this cat forever yeah you know what i mean so so so could be just bad on me but i think it's just a justice system or not just the justice system but the system you know it's somebody else like we drop them off at jail. Those jailers, detention probably sees a whole lot more of the DTs and also where they're headed next after conviction or not, whether they're going to a treatment facility or how that works. Because they're kind of in the middle, you know, they're receiving and then. That's rough. That's going to be really hard to see the same people over and over again for the same stuff. It's kind of motivating for me as far as keeping the line straight. You know, like,

for sure. You know, it's like, okay, that's, that's what it looks like to let your life slip. This is some of these dudes that I surround myself with. It's like to be great, I want to, I want to follow that path. So for me personally, that's how I approach it. It's, it's very, it's good to see, just like the death and destruction that I see. Somebody asked me last night about a dude I knew that just committed suicide. And they're like, man, it must be tough to see that death every second, you know, because we see a lot of it. Yeah. And I'm like for suicide, for me, it's not as much because it's a choice, whether it was or wasn't, you know, like, but I just compartmentalize it in my own mind differently than, you know, the 18 and 22 year old girls down

Missoula that were heading home and a drunk drive across the center line killed them both. And, and he lived. You know, that to me is very touchpoint on life is precious. Yeah. Do you know what I mean so so for me when I see these people I want to give them help I want to give them advice and if they're in my car I mean a lot of times when I'm dealing with them there are so blasted that it's not the time to to be speaking into their lives but I have before and I've caught them in a spot where they're just ramping up you know maybe more receptive for what you might have to offer yeah and give them some advice and give like in knock not a condescending way because that's the thing you don't want to show up and be like hey I'm the authority and you're you're breaking the law

dude and you should not do this. You're going to kill yourself. Yeah, it's a tough one. I'm glad I don't encounter people. Yeah. It's the frequency that you do in those situations. I wouldn't do as well with it as I think you do. All right. Last question for today. These are always shorter episodes I enjoy it. Victim of domestic violence as a man. And I thought this one was appropriate because you have probably been to a DV or two. Dear Andy, I'm a very long-time listener. For a little background on me, I'm 26-year-old male from Indianapolis. I'm a former infantryman in the Army, 6-2-200 pounds.

Last night, my girlfriend and I, who I live with, got in a very heated argument which led to her putting her hands on me and causing some significant damage to my skin. She is 5 to 100 pounds, so it didn't actually hurt me, but she was screaming at the top of her lungs, and my neighbors called the police. When the police arrived, they let me know of certain individuals. I wasn't aware of, including a cut along my Adam's apple and a large scratch leading from the top of my forehead to the bottom of my chin.

I told the police I didn't want her to go to jail, but just to simply leave for the night until she was no longer intoxicated. As we spoke for the last question, intoxicated. Again, the effects of alcohol and it's just, it can be a fuck show. They said with physical injuries being inflicted, she had to be taken in. but whether I press charges later during the investigation is on me. But this isn't the first time this has happened to me or anyone else she's been with. My question is, would it be best to actually press charges or let it all go and cut ties completely? I do really love her, but I know I can be a very physical guy when it comes to someone putting their hands on me.

And I don't want to be that guy that hits his girlfriend for any reason. Sorry for the lengthy message. Any thoughts would be appreciated. So is what he described, correct, if you guys get a call, so neighbors are calling him, how does this play out in your world? You're on the receiving end of this. So I'm assuming they called 911. Yeah.

911's like, beepo, boom, boom. Yeah, so I show up. Yeah. So you look at. What information are you preloaded with? So whatever you can get from the call taker. Okay. So it's a neighbor.

They're probably reporting that windows are open, summertime. Bloody murder. Yep. Here screams. This is what's being reported, which isn't always true. so you take it kind of 50-50. Yeah. Or you just process the info.

Also, if you have a minute before your response, like if it's a long response time, like a five-minute call or out here, you know, it could be 20 minutes. So you can get a lot of pre-info on the people. Like who lives there? If the neighbor, the tenant doesn't know, hey, run outside and give me the plate, you know, the plate numbers off the cars. We're going to run them, find out who we're dealing with if they're frequent flyers or not.

But either way, we can know like CCW, like concealed weapons, all that stuff. Yeah, so you're definitely front-loading as much as much. And we assume everybody has a gun. There's weapons in every home, whether it's a knife or just a kitchen fork or, you know, a heavy plant pot. There's always weapons. Yep. So you don't like disregard weapons if they say no known weapons.

But anyway, the biggest thing is you show up and let's just say there's a table tipped over, the phones ripped out of the wall or the cell phone's screen shattered. And you have what you're doing is like taking in a picture. and you're also who's approaching you first, where's the threats? In this situation, I mean, she sounds crazy. So, so, which I've seen a lot. Oh, yeah. And it sounds like she's had a lot of prior craziness. So if he's calm and I can see this bloody mark on him or whatever, I'm probably going

and I'm by myself, I'm going to separate the two first and foremost. And if she's the crazy one, yelling and screaming like, why are you here? I'm going to either bring him, bring her out. but I don't want to leave him alone, you know, with weapons, potentially weapons in the house. So until my backup gets there, I'm probably going to talk to her with her back towards him. He's probably going to be an earshot. So I don't want to ask too many provoking questions. Like, hey, what happened tonight?

And as she starts talking, he's going to interject. But I always want to handle the, like, crazy one first, whether it's the dude or the chick. And then as my dudes get there, we can eventually separate them. I can get down nitty gritty. What happened? And sometimes as you walk in, you can say, oh, she's going to jail. like this like dude's standing there he's got you know she's got skin piled up in her nails or whatever i'm being kind of threshold for domestic violence has nothing to do with male or female

correct correct although so many people think it does um i mean if you look at this description right 6-2 200-5-2 so a foot taller a hundred pound i mean we're talking about a man towering over a smaller woman in montana there's the um the way that the law reads for it's called partner family member assault montana so same thing domestic violence um there's intimidation is also in So if this guy yelled at her and she was in fear, so when the neighbor called, let's say, let's flip the rolls, neighbor calls, I get there. They heard a male voice screaming and yelling, females crying. He's like, hey, man, get out of here.

And I talked to her and I'm like, were you scared? And she says, yes, that fits the crime right there without hands. Yep, yep, without hands. Even though she's the one who did the physical damage. Well, no, I'm just saying it in the reverse roles. Got you. You know, and it also works in the same way if she's the one threatening him. And we say, hey, dude, were you in fear for your life?

Or were you afraid? And he says, yeah, I was afraid she was going to scratch and bite me because she did that last time. That would be technically the violation of the law. And do you have to do something at that point as a responding LEO? Anywhere in the U.S. now, it's industry standard that it's a mandatory arrest. Okay. Yep. So.

But the pressing charges, does that mean that later on? Correct. So she did get arrested. I'm assuming there's a fine. some kind associated with that, but he could back away from escalating it. Is that what he's saying? 100%. So now what we're going to do, she's going to jail. Let's say the next officer's there. He's taking the report. Like, hey, dude, can you write a statement out? If he's like, you know, I'm too shaken up. I can't sit down and write it right now? What we do is follow up the next day.

Hey, can you fill this out for me? We'll be here tomorrow. We give him some forms. And if we get there tomorrow and he's like, dude, I'm not going to write any of this down. If it happened and we were proximal and we have it like recorded and we can be the witness, then he doesn't need to be there. We're going to testify and it'll be prosecuted and she'll be convicted generally. There's all kinds of things that can go into that. However, if it's his word against hers or her word against him and we don't have a victim that's willing to cooperate, chances are it's going to get dismissed. The exception would be if, and I've had them, like this female that I had recently, she had a shoe print on her face, didn't want to, did not want to cooperate.

But neighbors called. He went to jail. We found him down the road actually driving. She, like the Stockholm syndrome, you know, she has been part of this, this family's going on. She's a, he's this whole breadwinner type thing. This is like your typical, like if you're going to paint it for a movie. domestic thing. But she's like, I don't want to press charges because he's like when he gets out, he's going to assault me more. And you're not going to hear it. And so I can testify on that.

Like, hey, listen, he's got this shoe. This shoe tread matches her face. She had to go to the hospital. It was that bad. So I can, with my investigation, get a prosecution out of that, get a conviction. How often when you guys report for domestic violence do you encounter people who don't want it to escalate? You mean they don't want to pursue charges? Yeah. Often. How many times do you end up going there repetitively?

Often. That was going to be my question or leading me into my answer of, you know, if you don't want to be that guy and patterns. So that's what I assumed. She has a history of this pattern. You don't want to be that guy. Why do you really love somebody who would be willing to do this to you? Yeah. That's my question.

And did you say they're in there? mid-20s. 26. Yeah. I mean, she's old enough to have made a lot of life choices to get her to this point. Yeah. I don't know why anybody would tolerate. Again, a partner should not be somebody that tears you down physically, emotionally,

mentally, any of those things. I don't know why you would tolerate. And the alcohol thing, you know, like, I get it. She was intoxicated to people's behavior. Does it get off the rails a little bit? Absolutely. That's also known as an excuse because she can control. getting that intoxicated.

But that level of violence, like, love her why? I mean, at the end of the day, that's an expression of just pure rage towards another person. And I mean, you know, he doesn't want to be that guy. If he fights back, where do they land in that? What if they're both going at each other? Oh, there's mutual combatants. Like we call it that, so mutual partners so we can arrest them both. If we find marks on her and marks on him, it's,

mutual and unless there's kids in the house because that complicates everything. Anytime we go for a domestic and there's kids at home, CPS gets to copy the report. So it's tracked. It could be a one-time thing and I don't know if CPS would even, because I don't really know that side of the house. I don't know if they go and follow up with it or if they just keep a little tally going on like, oh, cops are going there a lot. Yeah. There's probably some problems. Or, okay, so let's show up to this one. He's definitely going to be in court, looked at as the predominant aggressor. He's bigger. He can disengage. Oh, shit, if they're both standing next to, well, not next to each other in court, but it, you know, that's a hell of a juxtaposition to look at.

And often, when I go to these, there's always, not always, oftentimes. High percentage? Yes. And I actually have a really good story for a non-alcohol domestic here in a minute. But when you go and they're impaired, and the guy says to me, you're only going to take her side of the story because she's, you know, it's not that way at all. We're taking in the whole, the whole picture. And it's pretty clear when somebody, because she's going to give me her story, he's going to give me his story, and there's usually a little bit in between of what actually happened because people don't want to go to the principal's office and talk.

You know, so you have to take it in, and it's not illegal to lie. It is, but it's not when we're investigating. You could technically get all weird on that. But I expect it. I expect you're not going to be 100% truthful when I show up. So I'm taking what you're telling me and looking around. Like he's like, hey, she grabbed my phone because I was trying to call my brother down the street to come get me. And then she smashed it.

And I look at the phone over there. It's still on the floor, smashed screen. I'm like, okay, that makes sense. So things are tracking. You know what I mean? I'm kind of adding things up. And she's like, I didn't take the phone. You know, he smashed his own phone.

Hmm. Yeah, probably not. You know what I mean? These things are expensive. It happens, but it's probably unlikely. So you just are doing the whole investigation and trying to figure out, I mean, it's a big deal to put somebody in custody. Yeah. It's also a big deal to have a habitual problem at home where somebody's living in fear, even a big dude like this.

So I'm saying you got, I mean, I think you have to break the chain super early on. I mean, it kind of ties into the alcohol one. Like, dude, you've got to change your environment because if you're doing exactly the same thing in the same environment. Yeah. And thinking that the result is going to be different. I mean. I'll answer the question. His question was, should I not pursue charges and separate?

Or should I pursue charges? He's got some scratches. It's over now. if they're living together or whatever, that's, you know, a lot to do to separate, which I'm just saying, I agree with that. If he doesn't pursue charges, it's really easy to like wash that problem away and say, it won't happen again. We have that talk and to continue on.

If you pursue charges, probably that relationship's not going to pursue. So that's an easy way to separate it. Yeah. You know, I'm not all about charging. So if he decides he doesn't want to cooperate with the investigation, and not show up to court, she will have it dismissed. But that doesn't mean he has to stay. Exactly.

So if you're going to hold fast to that, you can say, I don't have to watch you drown, but I'm not going to be there to throw you the. You're not going to use me as a lifeboat. Exactly. You're not going to pull me underwater to stand on my shoulders so you can get a breath of fresh air. Yeah. Yeah, that's a rough one, man. So I probably would not pursue charges, but I would definitely move my ass out.

Especially this early in life. Yeah. I try to remind people that one, well, I don't know mathematically, but I like to say, one half of the Earth's population is women. Yeah. And some of them won't come at you like a fucking spider monkey when they've had a few cocktails. 100%.

Look for one of those. And maybe your life will be better. Yeah. So alcohol, man. Most of our domestics are alcohol-related, right? I imagine most of the things that you guys touch, guys and guys touch, have some hint of a little whiff of booze on the breath. Yeah.

Yeah. So, even to hold my beer accidents. Oh, dude. They're entertaining. for us in search and rescue especially. A couple years ago. So the ones that stick out are the non-alcohol-related, you know. Yeah, that's a different level.

When you show up and there's, so funny story. A couple years ago, I'm West to Calispell and this domestic comes out. And I'm the closest dude. I was out at my house when we lived out West there. So I'd just gotten home for dinner. We have like, we can go off shift at our house to eat chow for like 20 minutes. So I'm there and I hear the call come out, but I'm still responding. close by, but it's like 15 minutes from town. So I've got a long response between backup and myself.

So as I'm responding like two minutes out, I'm throwing my vest back on. I'm running out the door. I got like two minutes to get there. I'm getting info. Hey, this dude's got guns. He's known, you know, kind of violent offender. So I roll up. And the story is later I found out, they had like a party that evening. He doesn't drink. Everybody left and he's like, hey, we're going to get after at him and his lady and she was like, no, we're not. And then it went on. And a neighbor called it in. And this is out kind of in the boonies.

So I roll up there, it's quit. I'm a quick response, so it's still going on. So I park way down the street. You roll up into the middle of the shit show. Yeah. So down the street, park out, black out, walk up on foot. Getting all the info I can and I hear, help, help screams, the open window. So I run down the driveway.

I'm going to intervene. I'm not going to wait for help, you know, like my dudes are 10 minutes out. So I roll up to the door. She sees me in the door light. I open the door. It's unlocked. She comes running out. And the dude comes to the door and he's buck naked.

And I'm like, hey, buddy. And he goes to shut the door. And I'm like, I can see. So she's on the phone. She now gets the phones calling 911, even though I'm there. She runs out to the trucks. So I'm not really concerned with her. Now I got this guy.

He's going to shut the door. I mean, we got a separation. So we're good. If nobody else is in the house, we can deal with this later. But hey, I'm here in the doorway. So I like put my foot down. I'm like, hey dude, I just need to talk to you. And he's like, get the fuck out of my house.

I'm like, well, it's not going to quite work that way. So this goes south and dudes are dispatches giving me info. I can hear him, but I can't get out. I'm like down in this hole in the mountains. So he ends up running down the hallway. So his backs to me, he's buck naked and he's going towards his bedroom. So I follow him in. I'm like, you know, and later we found a shotgun right around the door.

Not that he would have grabbed it or anything. So I end up giving the guy commands, but I tase him. And he like, you know, canoes into the floor. It was a perfect contact. Buck naked, you know. So anyway, he's like, hey, man, I was just trying to get my clothes. Well, the lady outside thought I shot him. She's calling dispatch saying, hey, the cop's crazy.

He just shot my boyfriend. People don't realize the tasers make a popping noise too. So the responding dudes are like, oh, Nelson just got into shooting, you know, not knowing the context dispatch is like 742 status, status. And I'm like, bong, bong, bong, I can't get out. So I'm giving the guy commands. Which is probably a bad. Yeah.

Yeah. So you're probably other people responding. Think something horrible has happened. Yeah. She's on the phone with dispatch saying I shot the guy and that I'm crazy. Not responding. And I'm not responding. And the dude now is 100% cooperative.

Like, dude, you don't have to do that. And now we get us, but he was totally no alcohol on board. Yeah. He was crazy. Anyway, good, good one. You guys don't get paid enough to deal with the public nudity. Even though that was more of a private news. Yeah, yeah, that was at his house.

I mean, he, yeah, he can be naked. Not when he answer the door, though. Yeah, I don't answer the door that. Yeah, I don't answer the door. Cool, man. That's the four questions for the week. Closing thoughts by Nelson Grant. Man, thanks for having me on.

Yeah. I feel like I'm an idiot, so. No, I need, too. I know I'm an idiot, so it's no big deal. Thanks, man. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thanks for taking the time to tune in, whether you're listening on an audio-only platform or you're watching on YouTube,

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