Club Shay Shay - Club Shay Shay - Bert Kreischer Part 1

Episode Date: January 21, 2026

Download the PrizePicks app today and use code SHANNON to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup! https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/SHANNON Bert Kreischer sits down for a wide-ranging conversation that traces his unlikely path from Florida State party legend to sold-out arena comic. A Florida State alumn, viral content creator, and self-described one of the greatest partiers of all time, Bert reflects on how his reputation—and work ethic—eventually turned into a full-blown comedy empire. Bert starts by talking about where the clothes Shannon Sharpe gave him ended up, then recalls running into Shannon two Super Bowls ago and admitting he was already a fan. He breaks down playing an exaggerated version of himself on stage and promotes his Netflix comedy series Free Bert, explaining how leaning into character became part of his success. The conversation turns personal as Bert opens up about being an unsuccessful young dad while surrounded by parents who seemed to have it all together. He discusses watching his friends get rich around the same time he did, questioning what kind of millionaire he wanted to be, and dealing with an identity crisis and survivor’s remorse as fame hit while others struggled. He explains how his podcast became awkward when people kept asking how he “made it.” Bert revisits his six-year run at Florida State, how a Rolling Stone article changed his life, and why Oprah asked to have him and his parents on her show. He explains why he stayed in college so long and how he began turning stories from his friends and daughters into stand-up material—including stealing a joke from his daughter that she later demanded he remove. He shares stories of his daughters touring with him alongside Mark Normand, Shane Gillis, Joey Diaz, and Sal Vulcano, their no-nonsense views on celebrities, and setting boundaries like refusing to curse before 16 or asking him to delete videos. Bert also laughs about answering phone calls on stage, including picking up when Shaq called him from the toilet. Bert talks about walking away from baseball to become a full-time party guy, the embarrassment of losing his virginity, and how National Lampoon: Van Wilder—starring Ryan Reynolds—was inspired by his life. He explains why he chose not to sue, his desire to meet Reynolds, and hopes of appearing in a future Deadpool. The episode also covers his dad funding his move to New York, tough love birthday advice, getting fired for taking his clothes off at work, meeting Will Smith, pitching movies, and getting career advice at a urinal. Bert revisits the viral Russian Mafia train-robbery story, advice from Joe Rogan, tension with Kevin Hart, thoughts on Katt Williams, legendary comedians like Patrice O’Neal and Ralphie May, financial mistakes, marriage without a prenup, and his experience at the Netflix Tom Brady Roast—all before circling back to Free Bert on Netflix.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

One of the best days of my life was when Kat Williams knew who I was. Kat walks out to me, goes, you're a goddamn rock star, Bert Chrysha. I've been trying to take my shirt off for years. They won't even let me wear a vest. All my life. Been grinding all my life. Sacrifice. Hustle paid the price.

Want a slice. Got the roll of dice. That's why all my life. I've been grinding on my life. Yeah. All my life. Then grinding all my life. The price.

Want a slice. Got the roll a dice. That's why. Hello. Welcome to another episode. of Club Shaysay. I am your host, Shannon Sharp. I'm also a proud of Club Shet Shay. Stopping by the conversation on the drink today is one of the best storytellers of his generations, one of the top grossing stand-up comics in the business. He's performed the sold-out

arenas around the globe, a royal renowned podcaster, a powerhouse entrepreneur who's built a media empire, a celebrated movie star, producer, actor, writer, host, content creator, a husband, and a dad, and he's a Florida State alum, one of the greatest partiers of all time, the machine, Burt Kreischer. Thank you. Thank you. Is that you?

That's you? When you read it, I was like, got to be somebody else. Yeah, that sounds like a lot, but yeah. Tell us about this word because you walked in. He's like, hold on. Who? I got a stylist now.

I gave you a price point. This is not the price point that we agreed upon. Who in the hell signed off on this? You get a stylist, and I didn't know that you're paying for these clothes. They bring in clothes and they line them up. Yeah, yeah. Put it on.

You like it. And I'm, and I got tactile issues, so feel that. That's so nice. Oh, yeah. And then today I'll put it on. And the price tag is on, and I went, who paid for this? This is like, I mean, I remember you could buy cars for this. Exactly.

And then you wear it. And I'm going to wear it all the time. I'm going to, you're going to see me on every podcast. No, no, you can't do that. I can't wear this one? You get one time, one time. I mean, you're at the stage now. You get enough because of who you are.

If you wear it again, people go like, man, I saw him with that on Club Che She. You're like, I don't give a hell. I'm a word on some of the other podcast, too. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm going to wear this shit out of this. Man, but thank you for coming on Club Shaysh. Are we really drinking? Yeah, we got a little.

Buddy, this is my dream. I ran into you two Super Bowls ago. And right when you started Club Shay Shay. Yeah. I was walking right by you. You forget how big grown men are until you see them in person. And I scared this shit out of you. I went, Club Shayshay!

And you went, huh? And I was like, oh, a big fan. And you're like, okay, and you just kept walking right by. Cheers, brother. Cheers to you. That's nice. Is you? Yeah, it's me.

You live in L.A.? I do. It's so good. We're going to see in your home with a bar. Oh, okay. So let's talk about your new show on Netflix. Free birth. Yeah.

You have to change from who you naturally are. How hard was it for you? Or is it hard? Or you can just jump in and out of characters? No. It's not, first of all, it's not hard for me to, because I only play one character when I act, and it's me. I'm not hard. Yeah, I don't audition for anything.

I create the project, and I play it. Okay. In the machine, my movie, I play Bert. Okay. And in this one, I play Bert. And they're all pulled, it's just like stand-up. It's pulled from my real-life experience. I've always had an identity crisis because I do have this moniker and this lifestyle that kind of precedes me of, like, I party, I take my shirt off, I get wild.

But then I am also a dad, and I'm like, I am a husband. And so, and, you know, when I was a young father, I was not successful. And we were one of the poor parents at the school. Okay. And you'd see parents that had, like, nice cars and nice watches, and they'd come in in a suit. And I was in gym shorts and a cut off sweatshirt with flip-flops. And I always had this, like, I never fit in. I'd see people.

I mean, you've been making money for a long time. I'd go into people's houses and go, how hell do you afford this? Right. Like what's got to happen in my life for me to be able to buy a house? And so that's this story, is this identity crisis that I have

when I brought my girls into this new school and everyone was, and I was trying to fit in. And when I tried to fit in, I f*** up so bad. So bad. So how have you changed over time? Has been burnt,

has it allowed you because you say you pull from your previous experiences so you know what it's like to not have to all of a sudden you know what it's like to have in an abundance. And so now who is the real Burke Kirsner? I have no idea. I have zero idea. I literally, I, you know, I'm going through identity.

I'm always going through some sort of, I'm very introspective. I'm in therapy and I'm trying to figure things out. And one of the things that was hard for me, and I don't know if you felt this, but when you got to the NFL and you get your first big check and then you watch the way people spend money. Yes. And you're like, well, I guess I'm supposed to spend it like that. And, you know, we all got rich at the same time, me and my friends. Okay.

And I'm, and I'm, you know who my friends are, but, and I watched them buy expensive cars and expensive watches and wear suits. They all started wearing suits. And then they build, invest in businesses. I have a buddy right now as a croissant shop. Wow. What the fuck? He's a comedian.

He has a croissant shop in Austin, Texas. He found a guy who makes croissants, moved him and his family to Austin to start a croissant shop. But then I watched them become entrepreneurs. Right. And I was just a guy who just wanted to make enough money to have a good house for his family. I'm usually jeans, flip-flops, and a T-shirt. And I had a hard time coming to terms with, for lack of better words, what kind of millionaire I wanted to be.

Because I really just, I didn't want for anything. I don't care about cars. I only started buying watches because my friends were buying watches. It's addictive, too. I've looked at your watches on this show. It's a very expensive habit to have. Yes, it is. But so I think I'm always kind of a little bit out of an identity crisis of like, but I think

that's also being a comedian. You're always introspective. You're always inside. You're always trying to figure out what my angle is because I think if I'm honest with things, then that translates to the audience because I think they can deal with it. Right. So, I'm always trying to figure out who I am. I have no idea.

I've heard a lot of people say they kind of feel guilty that once they come into a large sum of money, and the people around you, they treat you different because even though you're the same bird, like you said, flip-flop, shorts and a T-shirt, you're not that same guy. No.

You're not that same guy. So it's not that you've changed the people just treat you different. And sometimes I just feel guilty that God, the Lord has blessed me with so much and they don't have it. Like, how am I supposed to act? How do I act around them now?

Dude, there was a great show. I don't know who'd made this. There's a great show called Survivor's Remorse. Okay. About a young... Is anyone remember this show? LeBron produced it, and it was brilliant. And I went through that.

When I got successful, I started doing theaters, was the first big step. Then you'd go to the club and you'd see your buddies that didn't have the success. And it's almost like those dudes who come back from war, and then they're laying in their pool, and they're going to think of all the guys that didn't come back. And sometimes you have success. And then you go back to the club and you're like, God, man. Like, it was weird because I never changed. I never changed.

Right. But people see you as changed. They see you as like, oh, I remember going to the club and there was this comedian and was like, oh, I didn't know you still did comedy clubs. I thought you just did stadiums. And I was like, why can't you just say hi to me? Like, what you fucking Jesus? And that guy knows who he is. And so is the internet.

But, but and so everything changes around you. And like my podcast changed. Yes. Because I used to sit with comics and just. There's bullshit. And then all of a sudden, comics would come on my podcast and they'd be like, and I did, like an idiot, I did my podcast on my house, my house was nice, and they'd be like, so how do I get this?

this. And they'd ask the things I did to sell tickets. How did you sell tickets? When you first started selling tickets, what was the big key? When you get ready for a special, because I prepared my specials differently, I kind of worked the algorithm and I looked at Netflix and I put my closer at 22 minutes and I frontloaded everything and Netflix shared that with everyone. And so comics would come and my podcast got really inside baseball.

about like people more asking me how I got where I was. And in my opinion, it got less interesting. Right. Because I don't think. Well, I don't really care to talk about me. I brought you to come on my podcast to talk about you. Yeah, but it's a young comic. Yes.

Going like, how do I get here? And I think we did that to Joe. Yeah. I think Joe is a little more relatable. I think Joe's always kind of, he's always shut that conversation down. Yes. But I remember we're going to Joe's house the first time and being like, what the fuck? I was like, dude.

And then you get high with them. you're high as shit in this house. You're like, dude, there's three wolves next door that you, like, you got a this is, you have a deprivation tank? And like, but Joe is, Joe's always, Joe's a really great interviewer. He is. So we always kept it at arm's distance. Right.

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How the hell did they find you? You know, it's a great question. So initially what they did is they tried to write an article about Florida State. Okay. They wanted to write an article about the party school. So this guy, Eric Hedegaard, called up Fuller State, called like the five heads of different organizations and said, if you, if I could spend one time with one guy that would give me a broad stroke of the school, who would it be? I had happened to party with all of those guys the night before. So they were all hung over when they got that call.

And half of them thought it was me pranking them. Right. So they all said my name. And then he called me and I was in the middle of taking a bong hit. And it was. And he was like, he was like, if I could spend a week with you. I just want to learn about the school. I want to see about the school.

And I was like, yeah, I exhale. I was like, yeah. And he was like, are you taking a bong hit? I was like, yeah, I'm playing Frisbee golf. And I was like, sure, show up whenever. And he partied with me for a week. And then when they wrote the article about Florida State, it didn't make sense. And the editor, I think his name was Jan Werner.

So let's just make it about this kid. Let's just make it about this kid because he seems pretty interesting. And I think I was. I was an open book. I've always been an open book. My policy with everything with podcasting with stand-up has always been over-tells the truth, over-share.

And when people go, that's too much information. I go, not until you start gagging. That's when I... And so I overshared with this guy. And so he changed the article. And it was about me. And it changed my life overnight. I mean, I went from a kid

I had no idea what he was going to do with his life. So, a sudden you knew. And I said in the article, I said, I wanted to do stand-up. And I had dads I respected that I grew up with. Like some of my friends' dads and my uncle and my dad, call me and go, if you don't take this opportunity to go for your dreams now, you're going to regret it your whole life. You're going to look back and go, I never took enough swings. And so I said, screw it, I moved to New York.

I moved to New York and was, with no idea. I did stand-up once in Tallahassee. Right. I did 20 minutes after four comics that knew how to do stand-up. stand up in 20 minutes. I was probably the funniest that night that I'll ever be in my entire life. Wow. I was so raw and then I moved to New York and I was like, screw it. I just, you know, it's when you're ignorant, there's no better feeling and just going like, screw it, I'll move to New York. You don't know what you don't know. You have no idea. It's bliss, just going like, ah, and then I moved to

New York. And that's when the work started. Did Oprah reach out to you? Yeah, Oprah reached out. She wrote, reached out and wanted to have me, but she wanted to have my parents on the show, too. And my parents were like, yes, but I was like, I think, I don't think it's going to be a good interview. I don't think I'm, that was their time to shine. They wanted to shine. They wanted some spotlight. Oprah reached out and was like, we'd love to have you on, but want your parents on. And my mom.

You want to know what my evenings actually look like? Homework questions. Someone needs a permission slip signed. The dog's begging for a walk. Someone's yelling for a snack. And somewhere in the middle of all that. I'm supposed to figure out dinner? That's why Hello Fresh has been a lifesaver. Fresh ingredients show up at my door, locally sourced when possible, simple step-by-step recipes that actually make sense. And no matter how chaotic

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doing that time and then kind of just focused and fell in love with stand-up and learned stand-up. Right. So a six-year student where you're trying to be a professional student? What were your parents saying, like, son, are you coming out of school or are you going to graduate at any point time? It's okay to leave. First of all, it was six and a half years. And second of all, no, it was first of all, it was like state schools. It was a state school. It was like, what, $50 of credit? So what is like $700 for a semester? For a semester. Rent was $100.

Right. I mean, we're talking, I'd get $20. I made like $20 doing, I did Safe Escort where I walked TX around campus. Right. And I made, and I was like rolling in cash. And I'd make $20 a night, I think. And I was rolling in cash. It was, life was so great back then.

Yes. I mean, for like, for like $3,000, my semester was covered. Right. And that's generous. I mean, books? I didn't get books. What are you kidding? I'm not going to get books.

I'm barely going to classes. Yeah, I was just like, I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. No one ever pushed me to go, what are you going to do? And then the Rolling Stone article came out and I was like, I'll just graduate. I literally was like, I'll just graduate this semester. And so I just graduated. I had enough credits.

Had the article not come out, are you going to stay seven years, maybe seven and a half? If the article hadn't come out, I would have stayed, I definitely would have stayed another. Another semester. I was semester by semester. I mean, I would go a semester and then drop it halfway through. I'd be like, I've got a head injury. Drop it. And then, and then, but no, I would have stayed. I just would have kept staying. And I wonder what would have happened, like sliding doors, you know? And you think, like, if you hadn't had that one coach for you or for me, that one Rolling Star article, if that hadn't come out, I always think I'd probably be selling like boats in Orlando or like RVs in Ocala. Like something. Something of fun, a luxury item that brings fun. But I would have been a great salesman. What's your wildest story from Florida State, if you can remember it? Or are there too many to remember? I mean, there's, I mean, there's, it's...

Is there anything that you don't remember? No, I remember a lot. You know, it's so funny, I hope this comes out right. Before I got to this business, I wasn't a self-promoter. Okay. When I was at Florida State, the fun thing was when someone told a story about you and you kind of barely remembered it. Like, oh, yeah, and everyone laughed and they're like, dude, he's hysterical. Right.

And then when I got into this business, I realized if you're not promoting yourself, no one's promoting you. Correct. And I watched it happen. I watched it happen with a few of my friends or guys that were more successful. They would talk about how great they were. I crushed on stage in this. And there was this, and I'm being honest, and it's not going to translate to people that know me now. but I was very humble in college,

and I never talked about myself. I was wild. I was crazy. I did insane stuff, but I never told stories about me in college, and it wasn't until I got in a stand-up where I started telling about me and talking about me and like,

oh, me and my buddies took ass and went to Disneyland and stuff like that. So it was a shift in my personality, and I had to learn that. And I think I've, you know, I've done it, But it is still an uncomfortable place. And I know that sounds crazy coming from me, a very big self promoter.

But before that, I wasn't that guy. It was like people told stories about me. Right. And I had more of a lure about me about what I had done and things I had done. Well, because I think isn't the job of a comic is to take true life events about themselves or someone they know and make them funny.

Yes. So at that point in time, you're not a comedian. So you're just like, you're just the fun, you just burnt, Christa. That everybody likes to hang around, get drunk, have a great time, smoke weed. Hey, we're going to go knock some mailbox down. We're going to go do some crazy stuff.

So you're not really thinking that I could actually turn this into a job, an occupation, and make money out of it. The first time I realized I could do that was a story about, I had a story about this fight that I had witnessed. And what I did is I took two fights that I had seen in college, and I combined them, and I told it on stage. And I remember this guy come up between me after the show, and he was like, that was amazing.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, did that happen? And I go, yeah. And he was like, shut up. And then I was like, oh, wait, I can do that again. And the next story I told was taking Disneyland and taking assing going to Disney with my buddy Hutch and Harper. And I just told stories that were accurate from that.

Harper was not the brightest guy. I think he's in jail right now. But he was not the brightest guy. Good out soon, Harper. He mistimed the marijuana legalization in Florida. Free Harper. And he one time misspelled his name, Happer. For real, on a note.

Happer, two peas. And we go, yo, harp, you misspelled your name. And he goes, oh, that happens. I go, no, it doesn't. I've never misspelled my name, Burf. Catch you later, Burf. And Hutch was like this, Hutch was this guy. And that's when I think I really figured,

started finding my voice. Hutch was this guy that every story he told was wild. I met him, we were playing disc golfing. And I was throwing a stick, trying to get a frisbee out of a tree. And he goes, if I were you, I'd be real careful. I said, what? And he goes, well, you know how when you look up,

your mouth automatically opens. And I was like, huh? And then I looked up, I was like, oh, yeah, it does. And he goes, yeah, sticks a lot, but to go right down your throat. I was like, huh? He goes, happened to me twice. And it did. When he was a kid, he threw a stick in the air and missed it and went, oh, I'm not

going to have to walk far for this stick. No, it looks like it's going to like, right? And so I just started taking these stories from my life and then plugging them on stage. And I was like, oh. But then I was like, I realized I got to tell my own stories. Yes. I got to be the one telling my stories. I gotta tell the things that happen to me.

I gotta tell, and I'm not, I'm not a hot take guy. You won't hear me talking about Venezuela anytime soon. Okay. I'm not gonna talk to you about, about trans rights or any of that shit. That's not my thing. My thing is stories. Right. And so I had to take all these things I accrued.

I'd go home and hang out with my boys and I'd just, we'd sit and talk and I'd hear them tell stories. I'd be like, oh shit, that'll work on stage. I gotta try that on stage. Right. I mean, and now it's like, I mean, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, wife was like when I had the the best I ever was at stand-up and I and I think I'm still really good I am but when I had two little kids at home and it was all brand new to me and I get a call from my wife they're like you never gonna leave what your

idiot daughter just did and I mean she'd say it and I put it right on stage right and it would murder and then you structure them you learn more about stand-up yeah and you'd structure them and you'd you'd place a thing here and then move this here and oh man I it was like a Gold money. It was like the gold rush of comedy for me. That kid, Ila Kreischer, my youngest daughter, made me millions of dollars. Wow. I mean, a million, a million. One point I, she told me a line one time that I thought was the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. It's in my new TV show. The line is in my new TV show. I stole it from her and I put it

my new TV show. She said it to me and I said, and I put it in my act. And she goes, hey, you can't do that and I went why she goes it's I said that to you I didn't say that to the world and I don't want the world knowing that I said that and I went yeah but it's funny she goes it doesn't matter it was between me and you I said I'll give you ten thousand dollars and she goes no I said I'll give you a fifty thousand dollars for this line it was such a good line she goes no I said Ila I'll give you a hundred thousand dollars for this line and she goes buddy when you die I get all the money That kid?

Why would I take $100,000 when I could get millions later? That kid goes through my Rolexes and earmarks the one she wants. There's little eyes written on the back of them. And kids got good taste. I'm wearing one of her watches right now. Oh, you got the platinum? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see.

Why should I settle now? I can get all this. Yeah. But you told the story anyway, huh? Well, no, I took it out of the special. You took it out. Because it was such a good line. And then I put it in my TV show.

I said that I said it. But it's... She said it. She said it. And it's like, who the... What 10-year-old says this? It was such a wild line that I was like, Aila. She was like, what?

You're not thinking it? I went, no, I am now. I appreciate that. I took it on stage that night. I said it that night on stage at the store. I did this. We went to the... This...

I'll tell you the line. I'll tell you got to bleep it Because it's in, but it's in the new show. Just bleep the line, but I'll tell you the line. We're to . Right. I mean, this is a 10-year-old saying this. We're to . . . George's the . and Leanne says,

I go, how long is this? I go, I go, babe, how long is this? And she goes, four hours. I go, four hours. I go, we got to stay for the whole thing? I go, how long does she say? I go, I'll tell you. We'll stay for the whole thing?

She goes, yeah, I'm got to stay for the whole thing. George is that. I go, that's it? She goes, yeah. I goes, how long is it? And I go, it's four hours. 10 years old she goes oh where's a when you need one and so I go

and so I said what the she goes what you were not thinking the same thing I go no I am now you know it never crossed my mind and so and so I took it on stage that night I went to the store that night I told it on stage and the room lost it and I put it in that because I tell that story that

and I tell that and I kept that line in and then she heard it. She goes, yo, you got to take that out. I was like, why, baby, it's so funny. She goes, I know, but I said that to you. She goes, I can't be the girl. This, keep this at, this kid, she had a rule. She would come on, she, this, the media was different then. Kids would come on to the podcast and just start talking in the middle. They'd be, you know, they'd see, Joey Diaz is one of my best friends. And they know him as Uncle Joey, real uncle. And they'd just come in and talk and they'd be on my Instagram. And I'll have this thing where she said, I'm going to be, we're allowed to curse when we turn 16.

And Leanne's like, that's not a rule. She goes, it's the rule, Mom. And she had said it enough that fans knew that I actually bleating. At 16, Ila was going to start cursing. So it's on her 16th birthday. We're having a party. They're sitting outside. I got my phone and I'm looking at fans.

I wish, Ila, happy birthday. And all the fans' comments are what's her first curse word going to be. So I put the camera on her. And I go, Ila, happy birthday. She was sitting right next to Leanne. They're eating. I go, hey, the fans want to know what's your first curse word going to be. And she looks at Leanne and looks at the camera and goes, and I go, awesome.

I posted online. That night she wakes me up at like 2 in the morning. She goes, take it offline. I said, what? She goes, take it offline. It's got 6 million views already. And I said, are you shitting me? She goes, dad, dad, I will not be the cunt girl for the rest of my life.

Because that's all they would have done is like just taking the, I mean, she got caught shooting dice at school one time. What? She got caught shooting dice at school. And Leanne called me. The principal called Leanne had to go pick her up. And Leanne called on the podcast. She goes, yo, I'm going to pick your daughter up. I go, I'm with Tom.

I go, why? And she goes, your daughter got caught shooting dice at school. And, I mean, this kid was a gold mine for me. And what's even better is her older sister. I had a really smart British comic. I forget his name, but he's really smart. He reads a lot. And he goes, can I tell you about your daughter?

And I was like, Kenney goes, Ila is your muse, but Georgia is your Jiminy Cricket. I don't know what the fuck that means. But apparently Jiminy Cricket, I don't even know what that means. But, like, Georgia always was the one that would break down what I like, Ila one time. George, Leanne, I just, we were just talking about this yet. The other day, both girls were home. And Ila, Leanne went out of Vietnam, and I had to take care of both girls for like a week. And Georgia just, Georgia had the sense of humor.

She goes, yo, you're going to check to see what your youngest daughter made for lunch? And I go, no, you guys take care of your own lunches. And she goes, you may want to look. Now, Georgia's got the insight to see what's happening. Right. I go, I go, Ila, what did you make for lunch? And she goes, bag her ice. I want, what?

She goes, bag her ice. And Georgia goes, no, dad. She steams it extra long and throws it in her backpack and doesn't eat it with a fork or knife, just eats it with her hands. And I go, she goes, like, she's building the railroads, dad? Like, what this? And I go, Ayla, don't you think that's missing something? She goes, oh, soy sauce.

And I was like, wait, what? But Georgia would see it, pointed out to me. Right. And then I would talk about it. I mean, Georgia, one of the best stories I had for a long time was, I closed on it on one of my specials was, the girls for their birthdays are real close. The girls for their birthday wanted to take my parents to an escape room to watch my dad lose his shit. And one time I'm on stage.

I'm really focused when I'm getting ready for a special. And I'm on stage, but I get a call from Georgia. She's in college and so you always answer when your kids call. Yeah, I'm on stage. Even though you're on stage. You answer. 100%. I answer if anyone calls on on stage.

Shaq called me. He was taking a shit. FaceTime me. That's true. No, that's true. And there's probably video of that. Shack, face-time me and he was like, yo, what's up? I was like, what are you doing?

I'm on stage. He was like, hey, I'm taking a shit. So, that's true. And so, but she goes, she goes, what are you talking about? And I said, I'm looking for a closer. And she goes, have you told the escape room story? And I said, no. What was it?

And she goes, do you remember, we went to the escape room, and it wasn't like in a strip mall, it was on Lancashim. And I was like, oh, yeah. She's like, isn't that creepy dude's house that had the robe with the cat? And he was looking for his mom. And I was like, oh, and you thought that we were getting kidnapped. And she broke down the story for me. Wow.

And I went, oh, I'll call you right back. And then I told the story to the people. And then I was like, Jesus Christ. Like, I feel like I'm a conduit for my family sometimes. And I'm going to pour another drink. How do we do that? I'm having the greatest time of my life. Is that clear?

Did, do you think your kids, ever following your footstep? Never. Why not? They have no interest in celebrity. They have no interest in stand-up. They've seen how the sausage is made. Yeah.

And so, you know, they're, they're, for lack of better words, they're, I say uncles. I wouldn't say it's uncles. It's not that close, right? But they toured with me on fully loaded. And so, like, guys like Stavi and Mark Norman and Shane Gillis and Joey Diaz and Salvo Cano and all the guys that Whitney and Nikki are like genuine ants to them. Right. And they know them intimately and they see our lifestyle.

We were on tour one time. It's me. I think it's me, Gillis, Mark Norman, Big J. O'Kerson, Whitney, Andrew Santino, Stavi. And we're all sitting at the table. You know, when you do arena as you cater, you get catering there. So you go, we're sitting at a table. It's like a lunch table. And we're all eating breakfast.

My daughters are there. and we have the funniest comedians in the world, in the world, at 10 a.m., drinking coffee, busting balls, telling stories, and we are crying laughing. We're crying laughing. And then we're about to take mushrooms and smoke weed and get in inner tubes and float a river in Boise before the show that night that's sold out in an arena.

Right. And my daughter, Georgia, everyone's like, all right, let's get her bathing suits on. Let's go. All right, we're going. And I was like, I'm going to finish up. I'll meet you guys out there. And my daughter, Georgia, doesn't leave.

And she's sitting at the table like this. Like, I go, what's up? She was like, that was incredible. I go, what? She goes, I've never laughed that hard in my life. And I go, well, you got to remember, my friends are the funniest human beings in the world. They're not just like casually. Right.

They're actually the funniest human beings in the world. She goes, that was incredible, Dad. That was amazing. And then she looked at me and she goes, no wonder you never. came home. Shane Gillis, this is one of my favorite stories. But, like, what it's like to be with these guys. This is my favorite story.

So the first year we do fully loaded, maybe the second year, Georgia brings a friend Daisy. They're like 18, 19 years old. And Shane Gillis, I don't know, you, okay, you know who he is. So Shane Gillis is not famous at the time. He's just Shane. And he's the best hang in the world, right? So he goes up.

The very last night, he goes up to George and Daisy, and he goes, hey, you girl's sneak of beers. and they're like, no. And he goes, come on. I'm not going to tell on you. Sneaking beers? And they're like, no, we're not. And he goes, guys, I was your age once, okay?

I'm not some narc. I'm cool. I'm Shane. You guys sneaking beers? And they go, yeah, we're sneaking beers. And he goes, sits right next to me. He goes, Georgia's sneaking beers. Oh, man, that fully loaded was funny shit.

So what type of kid were you in high school? A very serious athlete. Why are you? Yeah. Very serious. When did you play? Baseball. You know, Florida, where did you grow up?

I grew up in Georgia. Georgia, okay. In Florida, it was either baseball or basketball. Baseball, a football, basketball in the south. Basketball, loop, crossed over with baseball. You want to know what my evenings actually look like? Homework questions. Someone needs a permission slip signed.

The dog's begging for a walk. Someone's yelling for a snack. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I'm supposed to figure out dinner? That's why hello friends. has been a lifesaver. Fresh ingredients show up at my door, locally sourced when possible, simple step-by-step recipes that actually make sense. And no matter how chaotic the rest of my night gets, dinner is the one thing I don't have to stress about. I'm just cooking a delicious meal my family will actually eat and it takes around 30 minutes. And honestly, the real value is knowing that even on

the messiest nights, dinner's handled. That's one less thing pulling at me. And that matters. Take some stress out of your evenings right now, get 50% sent off your first box plus free sides for life. That's right. Free sides for life. Go to Hellofresh.cate and use code rescue 50. That's Hellofresh.cate code rescue 50. HelloFresh.

Canada's number one meal kit delivery service. But it was either football or baseball. Some guys played both, but baseball was so serious in Florida that we played winter ball, fall ball, spring ball. You played baseball all year round. And so I was really focused on baseball. And I got recruited to go play at the Citadel and at Duke. Okay. I remember at Duke.

I knew a guy that got in the Duke. You had a grade like that to get into Duke? No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. And I said to the guy, I was like, yo, how does that work? Like, I'm not, it goes, oh, we get you with tutor. And I was like, I'm going to pass. And then the Citadel, I was like, do I have to cut my hair?

And they're like, absolutely. I go, I'm going to pass. Right. I was like, I'll walk on at Florida State. And I walked on one day and walked off immediately. What happened? So Coach Martin saw a pledge pin on my shirt. And he goes, you can take that shit off right now.

And I was like, huh? He was like, we don't party on the baseball team. You play baseball. You don't play. They had a good stick. Yeah, they did. They did. And I was a catcher, and his son, who ended up playing for the expos, was a catcher also.

And my age. And he was like, you can go catch a bullpen. And I remember walking to the bullpen. I don't know what it's like when you retired. But when you take sports seriously and you, you're, you're, you know, realize you're giving up something you spent your entire life focusing on. I had my baseball bag. I was in a uniform and I walked to the bullpen and I stood there and no one really talked

to me and I went, I don't know if I want to spend four years being a bullpen catcher. I'm not going to beat out his son for the position. Right. And I walked right back to Sally Hall to room 111 and my buddy, Chili Willie and Paul were smoking weed and they're doing this thing called Time Traveling where they played Pink Floyd and they had foil with holes poked in it so it looked like stars. And I sat with my uniform and cleats and hat on and I smoked weed. And I looked at the sky and I went, I'm dumb with sports. I was like, I think I'm going to focus on this partying thing. And it worked out. I'm not crazy. I got buddies

who played ball their whole lives. Danny Graves. I just ran in Danny Graves recently was my age. Brad Radke pitched for the twins. Yeah. Almost won a Cy Young Award. And their their lives ended at like 30 years old. And my life didn't start until 44. It's kind of crazy. I picked the right profession, but, you know, sports is like, I was so serious about sports. And I was funny, but I wasn't funny until I got to college and gave up on sports. Right. Because you could focus.

Because you really focused on sports because that's what you really wanted to do. Yeah. And then when I, it was like, when I got to college, I joined a fraternity, ATO, and I was, I realized, and I'm cool saying this now, because obviously I'm a, successful comedian, but I realized, my dad said to me when I was a kid, I said, how come no one talks about me playing baseball the way they do Brad, Radke? I mean, everyone talked about Brad. Everyone would be like, he's going to go pro. He's going to go pro.

I mean, when we were kids, he's going to go pro. And my dad said, buddy, you just don't have that. That's not your thing. He goes, listen, Brad's thing is baseball. It's sports. I go, buddy, your goal in life is to find. your thing the way Brad found baseball. When you find that and you're just undeniable,

he didn't use undeniable as a word, but he goes, your thing is like Brad's, that's when you'll know. That's your thing. And the first time I did stand up, I knew it, but when I was in that fraternity and I was so much funnier than I was so quick. And like, we'd have chapter and they'd say something.

And I could think of the best joke in the room quicker than anyone. We were doing, I mean, I'm just gonna tell you one joke, but this was one of the funniest things I said in college. You had three strikes in the chapter, and you got kicked out. Correct. And for me, it was three jokes. And we had homecoming with Theta, okay, Theta that year.

And Eddie Fernandez stood up, and he was a homecoming chairman. He was guys, it's time to talk about homecoming, and I made a joke about Theta. And everyone laughed. Okay. And our president goes, hey, it's one strike. I went, okay. And he said another thing about Theta, and I made another quick joke. And everyone laughed.

And he goes, that's two strikes. Right. And he goes, Bert Chrysler, if I hear one more joke about Theta, I'm going to kick your ass out of here. And I did, I waited one beat and I went, two Theta is walking a bar. And the place went bananas. Bananas. And he laughed hysterically. He's like, you got to leave.

You got to leave. You got to leave. It's just, but it's like, I remember we went to Clemson. We went to Clemson, Florida State. We took a road trip and a bus. At the very beginning, leaving Tallahassee, someone's like, Bert, get on the mic and just do some stand-up. I didn't know what it was. I did stand-up for the entire ride to Flemson.

I just talked in that thing. And I just was like, and then when I did stand-up for the first time, I remember calling my dad. It was before cell phones. I went home, and I called my dad, and I said, I think I found my thing. The way Brad had baseball, this is my thing. So were you popular with the girls in high school and college? Yes. This is where I'm going to fuck you up.

Yes. What? But, but I had a really bad experience losing my virginity. So I was, I was, so I, I was, it was horrific. It was like, it was, I mean, I couldn't get the condom on and then, and then when I finally got it on, I got on top of her and then, and then I had my pants around my ankles, my shoes on, my baseball jacket still on, I think I had a hat on. I mean, it was like, and she was totally naked, it was like, just so bad and then

I got on top of her. This is real time. I go one, right? And as I pull out, it's over. It's over. I'm done. And I look at her and she goes, are you going to put it in?

And I went, huh? And I looked down and my t-between her butt cheek and the bed, I didn't even a fucking person. I need a fucking person. And then, and then, but it gets worse. It gets worse. And I'll spare you all the details because you're not going to understand it.

But like, but like it gets so bad. So bad. So bad. So bad. So bad. I mean, I, then I just had sex with it with a condom I already compromised. It's like going to on a hike and just getting your feet all nice and wet before you go on the hike. It wasn't fun. And then I got done and the condom was still in there. And I was like, blah, blah, it was so bad. It was like. So the conda came up and I pulled out and I was like, we're done. And then I look and it's just sitting between our legs. And I was like, no. I don't think that's where it's supposed to be. And now I'm doing tug of war with this. It was so bad, Shannon, that when I got done, I looked in the mirror in this bathroom in Carolwood. I looked at the mirror and I went, I don't even know who the fuck you are. I was 17 years old.

I was like, this isn't what was supposed to happen. Did you get a do-over? No, I did. I had sex with her again once, twice, actually. And it never got better. It got just- What, damn.

I just sucked. I sucked so bad at it. I was not, I just came so fast. It was like the truth. I would come so fast that I knew that I did that. And so then, From that moment on, I said, all right, I'm only doing this with chicks that I trust.

Like I love and I fall in love with and I know that this, that we're going to date. And so I've only been with six chicks and my wife being one of them. Oh. And so I just, I just. Because you were done with the condoms after that. I was, well, no, no, no, I can still use condoms. I just, I was just like, I was like, I'm not a one-night stand guy. Oh.

I'm not, I'm just not. And I'm not built for it. Like, I remember being 17 and I was laying in bed. I had dudes who would have sex and then, like, no condom and just be like, yeah, and high-five each other. That was awesome. And I was the guy like, what if we get AIDS? Like, what is, like, what I don't know. You're like in the worst situation.

I'm like, I'm like, I'm laying in bed going, I'm 17 years old. What if I get AIDS? What if I get, I'm not ready to get AIDS. Like, I was like, I'm getting full-blown AIDS. It's 17. And I'm going to have a baby. My baby's going to have AIDS. I'm gonna have a AIDS baby and I'm 17 and I mean I just I was I was not cut out for it

The second I met my wife and I knew she was the one right that's when sex for me It was it was like it was like all the sudden it was like all the fuck all the care all the stress about it was gone I I mean I don't think there's a lot of men like me no I'd agree yeah Yeah, it's hard to it's hard to it's hard to it's hard to for people to get, but like, I just was, I just, I did not get good at sex. And I mean, today I was not good. I was like, dad today. I was, I was, Shannon, I had sex with my wife in my room. We have two different bedrooms. We're in a sleep divorce. She came in, we had sex. And I thought I was doing this manly thing where I was holding on to the bed frame. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

getting leverage. Yeah, and then I got done having sex, and I put my shirt on, and I was like, I haven't put on deodorant in a week. And I was like, oh, you were smelling that? She was like, It was pretty aggressive. I was just raw dog and her like, take that scent. If my sex tape ever comes out. I mean, I was in a three-way this weekend on Oculus. Have you been an Oculus? Yes.

I f-sucked in that. I kept making awkward eye contact with them. I'm like, is this real? Is this real? Dude, that Oculus, man, that takes a part of your soul. So did you have a girlfriend in college? I did. She cheated on me with my best friend.

Well, how was it your... Hold on. Did he know that with your girlfriend? Yeah, we dated for like four years, yeah. And he knew. He was my roommate, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So did you... I say, bro, how you do that, man? You're my roommate, bro, how you do that? Yeah, we didn't talk for a while. And then I'll tell you something cool. I still love this guy. I've known this guy his whole life. And it's, look, I don't talk to that woman.

I've known this guy for too long. He... Yeah. This is, I don't know, this is guys. Maybe you'll get this. And we've been in touch since I moved to New York. We kept in touch. We'd hit back, and I'd hang out with them every now and then.

And then I hadn't been back to a Florida State game. And then I went back to Florida State Syracuse, like two years ago, three years ago. And he goes, hey, I want to set you up with the athletic director because he's still big of Florida State. Right. And they've got a thing, special thing, plan. And they did. They've had this video of me talking about how much Florida State means to me and about the Indians beer and the...

in the Seminole and the Chief, on Renegade with Chief Osceola, and then they bring me out to the center of the field. And fucking Renegade comes out and rears up, and the burning spear goes in, and I'm crying. And they take me up, and I meet the president. I meet, you know, I just have the time of my life. And my buddy calls me, and he goes, hey, are we good now?

No. I go, we're good. How did you find out, though? She kind of told me she told me in stages She's like we might have hooked up We might have kissed and then next scene I was like A little more than that little more than that little more than that And then by that time and you gotta realize I'd only been with two chicks

Right at that time The first girl and her right and I and and I don't I'm certain you've probably never been the word as a cuckold But it is no it is an embarrassing feeling to be cheated on and everyone know about it But you and but me and everyone knew about it it happened all summer and everyone knew about it. And ain't nobody tell, hold on. No one told me. How many friends you have?

Did you have any friends? Clearly they're not as close as you thought they were. My childhood friend, a guy I grew up with, I've known since I was like, probably four years old, Pat Fagan, found out about it and said, if you guys don't tell them, I'm telling him. But everyone kind of knew about it. And I didn't know about it. As a matter of fact, on that trip to Clemson, I'm telling you about, I found out the weekend after. The weekend after that trip, the day, the Monday, when we came home, I found out that Monday. And so...

Was there ever a situation that you weren't there, but she was there waiting for you to get back and he was there? I'm certain. I mean, it's like, you know, it's so, it's so devastating to be cheated on and to have a community know about it and you not know about it, that it really kind of, it really, it's defining. It's traumatic. It's traumatic. You know, they say, what is it, rejection from your peers is worse than death. Mm-hmm. Is, you know, and then you just started, you had to reassess your friends.

You had to reassess who you loved and who you didn't love and who you cared about and who you didn't trust anymore. And then they have friends and you don't have those friends anymore. And, you know, so I got beat up by a friend too one time. And that same thing happened where it's like you pick sides. And by the way, beat, I'm certain you've never beaten up. But, like, getting beaten up is like, that. I got beat up. I've been beaten up a couple of times.

So you got your girl to it and you got beat up? A couple years later. It was a different guy. I made good friends. Did it hurt? Did it hurt more because it was a friend? Yes. Because as opposed to someone you don't know and it happened.

But the mere fact that he knew that you were seeing her, she knew that that was your roommate and they still had blatant disregard for your feelings. Yeah. Oh, it was devastating. It was devastating. It was devastating. And you know, what's very interesting about this story is I just come back from Russia, which is probably my most famous story about getting involved with the Russian mafia.

So a lot of people are always like, they go, hey, you went to college with Bert. Did they ever tell you that story? And like I said, it wasn't a big self-promoter in college. But more importantly, when I got back from Russia, my reality was that I had been cheated on. So I wouldn't tell people, anyone about my trip. I was like, yo, I'm devastated. I remember my buddy Mike Osborne, this is when my drinking really ramped up too. My buddy Mike Osborne, God bless bros.

He gets in his car with me and he goes, I don't know what to tell you, man. This sucks. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, I can tell you this, though, if we get a 12-pack, four beers in, it's going to feel better. And I was like, let's do it. And we got a 12-pack. We went over to Clint Munn's house and we drank 12 beers and both between us. And it's six beers, I go, I don't feel that bad anymore.

Right. And he goes, well, then we'll do it tomorrow. night and then and he's like I'll be here with you every night I love when the guys do that Billy Gardell my daughter fell one time broke her jaw we're on the road Billy Gardell one of the best great big Billy I don't know yeah but Mike and Mike Molly Billy Gardell says to me buddy you get on a plane tomorrow okay now you got to be a dad when you get there now there's two choices one we get you back to a hotel room we put you to bed you get a good night sleep you get on that plane you go home you take care your little girl number two obviously we go to the bar and we

drink until we get you on that plane. Whichever one you pick, I'm in. And I was like, I went number two. And he goes, that's a fuck out. And me and Billy sat at a bar until like five in the morning. He goes, let's get you on that plane. And I love a guy like that. You, National Lampoons Van Wilder,

Ryan Reynolds played that. That story is about you, correct? I guess. I mean, it's, I feel disingenuous saying that now because I've made a movie. Yeah. And I know how much hard work goes into a movie. Right. And I know how much ownership you take over a movie that you make.

Right. So it feels weird to be a kid saying, that's my story, you know. But I'll tell you that. But it feels like your story. The day it came out, I'll just say this. The day it came out, I got a call from my agent and my manager, my lawyer, and a couple agents are on the phone. And they said, this was stolen from you. This was your story.

And we want to sue. But the movie, you got to remember, the movie didn't come out. strong in the theaters and I was like okay and I gotta give this guy credit Barry Katz was on that phone my old manager at the time I go let's sue I was really butt hurt I was really hurt that they had done this that they hadn't involved me that they hadn't consulted me at all and I'd been there at the beginning processes of it I had consulted at the very beginning of it and Barry goes Papa there's two types of people in this business people who work and people who sue pick which one you want to be and I want I want to work and he goes then don't sue

right and I didn't sue and I've worked my entire life and I and and I and I and I and I say this honestly I would love to meet Ryan Reynolds I've never met him right but when he almost he almost came to my Red Rock show this last time I did Red Rocks uh he was doing something with an agent the agent tried to bring him a day to catch a flight I when I meet Ryan Reynolds I would love for him to say I'm a fan of your work as opposed to so you're the Van Wilder guy. Right. I would like the Van Wilder thing to be a footnote in a career that I've made for myself. Right.

And I think... Because you're much more than that. I think so. Yeah. So that's why it feels weird talking about it now. But yeah, I mean, thank God I never was a part of it because I would have just, that would have been my pony. Yep.

You know? I love that. You want to work or you want to sue? It was, dude. And I took a meeting with a conference. company one time. My big white whale has always been a TV show about my family. Yeah. A big white whale's been that forever. I took a meeting with the company over by where Netflix's radio is. I just, I don't know why I like small details over by that Target by LaBreo.

And they were like, and they had my book on the on the table and they're like, we're huge fans. I was like, oh, thanks. And they're like, um, our business part. Couldn't be here today. He was in a little bit of motor cycle accident, but we would love to do a TV show with you. And I was like, awesome. And they're like, we've been fans of yours for like 27 years.

And I was like, it's impossible. I was like, what? At the time I went to 10, I was probably 25, 22. I was like, that's impossible. And they're like, we made a movie called Van Wilder. And I went, oh. And then I sat, I walked out of that meeting and I thought, thank God I never sued.

suit because here's what I've always wanted and these guys have the opportunity to give it to me and if I had sued I would never have had that opportunity. Do you think they know it was about? They have to. They had to. They had to. I mean, they had my book and I think I wrote about it in my book. Right. But, um, and their business partner was Ryan Reynolds. He had been in a motorcycle accident in Canada in a partner garage. And so, and so, yes, I would love to, I would love to meet Ryan Reynolds. I've been a fan of his forever. Obviously, before everyone liked him, I was a fan of Right. I haven't seen Van Wilder, but I'm sure it's a good movie.

But yeah, I would like for him to like what I do as opposed to that. Would you like to do something with it? Fuck, yes. Deadpool fucks Burt Kreiser in the ass and make a porn. I don't care. I'll do a series of those. Deadpool raw dogs, Burt Kreisier. So let me ask you this.

You leave Florida State. Are they right there? You want to know what my evenings actually. look like? Homework questions. Someone needs a permission slip signed. The dog's begging for a walk, someone's yelling for a snack. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I'm supposed to figure out dinner? That's why HelloFresh has been a lifesaver. Fresh ingredients show up at my door, locally sourced when possible, simple step-by-step recipes that actually make sense. And no matter how chaotic the rest of my night gets, dinner is the one thing I don't have to stress about. I'm just

cooking a delicious meal my family will actually eat, and it takes around 30 minutes. And honestly, the real value is knowing that even on the messiest nights, dinner's handled. That's one less thing pulling at me. And that matters. Take some stress out of your evenings right now. Get 50% off your first box plus free sides for life. That's right. Free sides for life.

Go to hellofresh.c.8 and use code rescue 50. That's hellofresh.cate. Code rescue 50. HelloFresh. Canada's number one meal kit delivery service. article and you was like, that's it. Your dad said, if you don't take advantage of this situation, you're never going to be in a better situation than what you are right now.

Yep. Pack up, you head to New York. Then what? Oh, I got my lunch money taken. What happened? Oh, dude. My dad said to me, he said, listen, had you wanted to go to grad school, I would have paid for it, imagine this is grad school.

Okay. He goes, you got to get a job, but I'll help you get on your feet. I'll get your rent. My rent was like $800 a month. He goes, I'll get your rent. You got to get a job. And you got to focus on stand-up. I mean, this is like, this gets a little, like, deep.

Yeah. So I'm like, yeah, whatever. I'll go to New York. I'll party. It's going to happen. It happened once. It's going to happen again. I'm going to the clubs.

I'm hanging out. I got my pride. I'm not going to, I did stand-up one time. I murdered. I was like, nice. Got that under my belt. And then on my 26th birthday, I party that night. I'm sleeping on a couch in my own apartment. It's hot and I get a phone call for my dad and I go

Hello and he was like I was like it's my birthday. I was just let him say happy birthday to me real quick You know hang up a pal I'm hung over I go hey what's up and he's like you are a tremendous piece of shit I go what and he goes you are a failure you're a liar you say you want to be a stand up and you're not doing shit to pursue your career you, he goes, I just perjured myself in court. I was in court and the judge said, Al, how's your son doing? And I said, great. I lied.

For the first time in my life, in court, I lied. Because I couldn't tell him, you know what, Your Honor? He has no humility. He's never going to amount to anything because I f*** him up as a father. I didn't teach him how to be a humble man. And now he's in New York and he's a party boy. And he goes, and you know what? Fine.

Be a party boy. And I was like, I remember going, it's my birthday. He goes, I know what day it is. And he broke me. He broke me off and and and he and I said to him I was like I'm now I'm sitting up. I'm in my underwear. I'm like I'm like I'm there's a part of me that wants to push back and and fight him for it and go hey I'm doing shit but I'm lying. Exactly. And then the other part of me is just as a kid talking to his dad I go how can I fix it? And he goes you can't. He goes I

I f*** you up. I never had you get a job in a warehouse work around men that need to struggle. There's men that struggle. He goes, I f*** up. I made life easy for you. I'm paying your rent up there. He's going to be a party boy the rest of your life. Don't worry. I'll pay for it. Just be a party boy. He kept saying party boy. I was like, stop saying party boy. And then I said, hey, how would I fix it? Tell me how to fix it. And he goes, I'll tell you, but I don't think you're capable of it. And he told me, he goes, go to that club tonight that you've been going to and tell them you want a job there sweeping up or that you'll do anything. And then in the hopes that one day you can do stand up. And I go, I remember going,

Dad, that's not how it works. He goes, it's not how it works for you. Because you're a privileged white kid from Florida. But if there's some black kid in Harlem who wants a job, he's going down there, hat in hand, he's saying, how do I get on this stage? And he goes, it doesn't work for you that way because you've never had to work for anything. And I was like, okay, I'll do it. I remember saying, I'll do it tomorrow because I have a party plan tonight. He did he hang up all you?

He goes, you don't deserve a party. He goes, what are you partying for? He goes, what are you celebrating? You're a failure. And I was like, okay, I'll go tonight. So he goes, take yourself to dinner. And I've done this every year of my birthday. Take yourself to dinner.

Write out some goals. And then go to that club and tell them, whatever you say. My name's Burke Chrysler. I want to be a stand-up. Please tell me how I can do that. I'll do anything. I'll mop up. I'll clean up, whatever it is.

So I went to this Thai food restaurant. The first time I ever had Red Curry, the Panang. And I wrote 26 goals. And my goals were very simple. Get on stage 26 times this year. Become a regular at one club. Just very simple goals. And that night I went to the club.

And I said, hey, my name is Burke. I knew the guy. The name was Lulu Schaefer. I said, I've been there. I was like, my name is Burke Kreis. I want to be a stand-up comedian. I'm from Florida. But I, you know, I'm here and I'll do anything.

I'll clean up. And he goes, can I give you some advice? I said, I'd love some advice. He goes, moved back to Florida. And I went, that's not going to work. And he goes, no, you're not going to be a comic here. So move back to Florida. And then he blew me off.

And so I almost enjoyed that because I was like, yeah, told my dad this one. I was fine, it worked. So I called my dad the next morning. He goes, how did it go? I said, it didn't work. And he goes, awesome. Great. He goes, go back tonight, say the exact same thing.

Pretend you never spoke to him. Like, you've been mind-white. Just go, my name's Burke Kreischer. I'm going to. I'm from Florida, but I want to be a stand-up. Yeah. And I'll do whatever it takes. A clean, cook, whatever.

And he goes, and I go, dad, and he goes, no, dude, trust me. You wanted help. This is how it works. Do it again. It's persistence. So I went back that night, next night, I went, hey, my name is Burke Kreis here. And he goes, we did this last night. And I went, listen, here's a deal.

Yesterday was my birthday. I didn't have a party. I was like, I was supposed to have a party. My dad didn't let me have a party. And now I'm, I'm going to do this every night, apparently, until you give me an opportunity. And then he goes, ugh, fine, okay? Stand out front. If you bring in 20 people, I'll let you go on at the end of the night.

I'll give you $25 bucks. And I went, what? And he goes, yeah, you just stand out front. If you can bring people into the club, bark, I'll put you on at the end of the night. And I was like, for real? He was like, yeah. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, it worked.

I was like, shit, I put my back back down. I sat out front. I remember this is, by the way, this is, I brought in like 100 people. I brought in four Puerto Ricans, two were going to jail the next day, sat them in the front row. And within 15 minutes, he comes out. And he's like, who brought the Puerto Ricans in? I go, I did. And he goes, they're ruining the show.

He's like, you want to be a stand-up? Get the f*** up here. So I was like, okay, so I brought him. I walked in. I knew the one guy was going to, the two guys were going to prison the next day. So I knew because they were told me, they're like, we're going to a party. I was like, why? They're going to jail.

I was like, come on. Come on here. They were ruining the night. They make this girl cry on stage, and they were loving it. And I went up, and I did old school frat boy ball busting. I remember at one point, I said something. And I go, hey, easy. I know what I'm supposed to do.

And if in my act it says the stupid person, Puerto Rican talks, I'll point to you, and that's when you should talk. And the guy goes, what? And I go, oh, enjoy prison tomorrow, buddy. And I was like, you guys don't know? These two are going to prison tomorrow. And then they were like, what the fuck? And I was like, oh, yeah, don't.

And I just started lighting them up. They walk out of the room. The place goes crazy. I just destroyed. I had never, I had no act. I only knew how to make fun of Puerto Ricans apparently. And then I, and then he was like, you got a job. You got a job every, every Tuesday through Friday.

You can bark. I called my dad, I go, it worked. He goes, buddy, apply humility and everything you do, and it'll always work. Wow. Yeah. And so it was, but that, but my first, my first, I mean, I got fired at Barnes & Noble for working out in the basement in my underwear. I mean, it was like that first six months or seven months was tough.

I mean, you didn't think you were not supposed to work out at Barnes & Noble in your underwear. Listen, you haven't had, you know, you ever have, when you were a kid, do you ever have a summer job where you're lifting stuff all day? Yes. And then you're like, you're like, I don't think I'm getting jacked. Yeah. Well, for me, that was like the travel books. I was lifting them.

I'm like, yo, I'm getting yoked. And then I was like, I bet if I, you know, did some push-ups. Right. So I took the freight elevator to the basement, right? Bang out 20 push-ups. I was like, nice. Go back up. I was like, I dropped.

I was like, I'm going to do some air squats. I was like, I'm going to start working out. I don't want to, I don't like this job. But there was no air conditioning at the Astroplace Barnes & Noble. Right. So I started coming out sweaty. My boss, Dwayne's like, what's up with you? Why are you so hot?

And I was like, no, I see. And he's like, yeah, but you're the only one sweating profusely. So I take off all my clothes, go down to the basement, take off all my clothes, bang out pushups, dry off, put my clothes back on, and then one day he pulls me in his office. And he's like, hey man, you've been spending a lot of time in the basement. And I was like, oh, yeah, you know, that's where all the books are. And he was like, you know we have cameras in here, right? I was like, I did not know that. He's like, you're fired.

And then like an idiot, I go, well, that's okay, I quit. And he goes, oh, that's awesome. We don't have to pay you for whatever the thing is when you quit. Your first is five. I don't even have only had a few jobs. Unemployment, huh? Yeah, that's it. You met, somehow you meet Will Smith and he just gave you your first six-figure check.

Will Smith was the best thing that ever happened to me. How did you meet him? I did stand up in that one club, Boston Comedy Club. And one of his guys, a guy named David Tocterman, saw me to stand up. he said, I think Will would like you. And I was like, I love Will. Right. And Will was like, you gotta remember, he was my introduction to hip hop, kind of.

My whole family was from Philly. And he was like, yeah, great. And he took, he said, Will's doing Willenium at the Hit Factory, what I think is called, should meet him. I was like, I love to meet Will Smith. Are you kidding me? So I, he's like, he's up there. Go Saturday.

So I went up. call my dad, I go, meet Will Smith. I think he was giving me a television deal. And I was like, what's that? And you go, you don't do anything for a year. And then you maybe make a TV show out of you. They'll give you six figures. My dad's like, get that money.

So I go up and it's Will Smith. And the lady walks me into this huge dance studio. They put two folding chairs in the dead center facing each other. Like one of those old Richard Nixon interviews, right? Facing each other in a dance studio. huge room. Mr. Smith will be in in a second. And he walks in a second, like literally a minute later, oh, hurricane of personality. Will Smith is one of the most charming men I've ever met in my entire life. Daps me a big hug. I remember he said one love. That's all he said to me,

one love. And I was off to the races. I was like, buddy, you know how I talk. I just, I was like, dude, I'm a big fan of hip-hop. I'm a big fan of yours. I know, I mean, Nightmare on Elm Street's It's one of my favorite songs. I start going off by the black people. You're black. I love, you're black. I'm just everything. I was like, and then, and I got him going.

I was like, I love hip hop. I love all the old school, all the new school. Do you know juvenile? I love juvenile. It's right when the hot boys were coming out. I was like, you know. And then he's like, he's like, well, like this the whole time, he's like, I like you.

I like you. He goes, what are you doing tonight? And I go, I don't know. And he goes, let's go see a movie. And I was like, okay. He's like, cool, meet me playing Hollywood at seven. And I was like, okay. he just walks out. And I was like, that can happen quick. So I get in the car, I call my dad.

He goes, how did it go? And I go, it went great. I go, we're running the movies. And my dad's like, on my date? I go, I don't know. I don't know. I don't think so. And he goes, who else is going? I think, I grew just me and Will. And he goes, oh, buddy. Your dad old school for Florida. He goes, because I think he's going to f*** you. I said, what? He goes, it's very, he goes, it's very, popular in Hollywood, these guys get so tired of that the only thing that turns them on is to young dudes. I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, dude, I've heard about it. It's a casting couch. It's what they do. And I go, no, dad, that's impossible. We just spent like an hour in a dance studio. It's a dance studio. I go, no, I'm going to go, dad, trust me. He goes,

buddy, what's more likely? Okay. He goes, listen to me. The fact that you're so talented that after six months of doing stand-up, the biggest movie star in the world wants to make a TV show about you or that he's tired of a thing and he wants to fucking. I was like, oh, I'm getting fucking. I go, what do I do?

And he goes, hey, buddy, eat shit and cash checks, you show up. He goes, you show the fuck up. So he goes, listen, he goes, my only son, I just, I want to prepare you for what's going to happen. So I show up to Planet Hollywood. Even when I get there, I go,

Planet Hollywood, this seems like a weird place. Right. To watch a movie, I get there, I go, is Will Smith here? She was like, yeah, in the back. I was like, oh, it's a mannequin of him. I go, no, no, the real Will Smith. She looks at me and she goes,

celebrities don't hang out at Planet Hollywood. And I was like, I was supposed to see a movie with him here? She was like, we don't have a movie theater. And I was like, okay, hold on. Now I'm getting plunked. I was like, all right, can I wait? And she's like, yeah, wait. So I just sit in the lobby of Planet Hollywood,

the little waiting room. All of a sudden, door opens to my left, and there's a six, seven-foot black man. who sticks his head out and he goes you burnt I go yeah and he goes I'm Charlie Mac downstairs yeah I go what he goes downstairs I'm like oh my god I got to this guy too I was like this is gonna be a rough night like I walk downstairs and there are ten black men yeah sitting in a very in a room probably half the size of this right with a velvet curtain around the whole room and a folding table in the center of it

right and I walk in and I go oh my god I got all these dudes and Charlie Mac. I'm sure he's bringing Jazzy Jeff. That's 13 black dudes. And I just, I don't say a word. I just post up against the wall and I don't make eye contact. And literally two minutes later, Will Smith comes in with, I swear to God, Jazzy Jeff. And he goes, yo, Bert.

And I was like, what's up? And he's like, yo, what do you think? And I was like, this is gonna be a long night, is what I think. And he's like, guys, this is Bert. This is the guy was telling you about. Who's ready? And the curtains pull back, and it's a private screening room. And he goes, Bert, grab us two seats.

I'm going to get his drinks. Do you like Long Island Ice Tees? I was like, I love him. He grabbed us two Long Island iced teas. I sat next to Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff. And we watched American Pie. And I think he just wanted to see where I laughed and what I felt funny. Right.

And then at the end, we had fried shrimp. I remember the night very vividly. And at the very end of the night, he goes, at the end of the screening, he goes, What did you think? I said, it's a good movie. He goes, no about the room. This is beautiful. And he goes, no about the men in the room.

I was like, they're black? And he goes, no. He said, buddy, you said you were a hip-hop fan. Look around the room. That's Cool Mo D. That's Biz Marquis. That's Big Daddy King. I brought all the legends so you could meet them.

And I was like, I could have f*** Cool Mo D. Oh my God. And he did. And I just sat around this room with these legends. I was like, holy shit, because he found And so he invited them all to go see what's him got? And then he goes, we don't see a movie tomorrow night?

And I was like, yeah, and I stood him up. I was like, I got away once. I'm not gonna get away twice. Yeah, but he was great. He taught me how to sell a show. He taught me how to sell a TV show. He was the kindest guy in the world. And I had a movie pitch at one point

that was very similar to the movie, get him to the Greek, but with hip hop, because I've always been into hip hop. And Will called me. I was freshly married, and he called me, and he goes, yo, it's Will. What are you doing pitching a TV? movie without me and I was like I don't know and he was like you call me man we're friends

so I love Will I'm a ride or die for Will wow yeah I love Will I love Will what did he tell you about Hollywood he told me be myself he told me be myself but it's interesting it's interesting that you ask that question because he told me that at a urinal we were at ABC Jamie Tarsis who I think passed away she was running ABC at the time and me and Will had driven across over the hills and I had a big gulp with Diet Mountain do. And I had to piss so bad. And I kind of wanted to get my head straight. There was a lot of energy walking in with a celebrity like that. And I said, I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick. And Will Smith says, I'll go with you. And I was like, okay. And so we went into the bathroom

and I picked the urinal to the right. And then Will got to the urinal right next to me. And he goes, hey, can I give you the key thing you need to know about Hollywood? And I said, yeah. And And then I heard him start pissing, and his flow was so strong that it intimidated me. I was like, he must have a hog. I mean, this, it was like a fire hose. I heard German shepherds barking. It was like, and I couldn't piss.

I got gun-shy and I was so focused on trying to pee that I heard nothing he said. I heard nothing, like giving me the keys to Hollywood. And then finally I said to myself, I'm going to sell a TV show next to this man. I got to be able to piss next to this man. And I pushed so hard and I started peeing. And then he looks at me and he goes, and the last thing you need to know is just be yourself.

And I went, I told anything I heard. So that was my one takeaway. The one thing I heard was just be yourself. And so that's all I've ever done is try to be myself. This concludes the first half of my conversation. Part two is also posted and you can access it to whichever podcast platform you just listen to Part 1 on. Just simply go back to Club Shet Shay Profile,

and I'll see you there.