Clutterbug - Real-Life Hacks and Tips to Declutter, Organize and Clean your Home Fast - Are you Self-Sabotaging a Clean Home? | Clutterbug Podcast # 185

Episode Date: August 8, 2023

Confession time, I am sabotaging moving into my new home for the weirdest reason ever, and you may be self-sabotaging in your life too. Can you imagine yourself living in a clean, tidy and organized home? Do you truly believe that it's possible for you? Do you KNOW that you deserve a home you can be proud of? If this feels unrealistic or impossible, I can help you tear down your roadblocks once and for all.    You can find more Clutterbug content here: Website: http://www.clutterbug.me YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@clutterbug TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@clutterbug_me Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/clutterbug_me/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Clutterbug.Me/   #clutterbug #podcast   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I know we've all heard of self-sabotage, and there are really obvious ways that we self-sabotage, like we procrastinate doing the thing we know that we should do, which usually doesn't end up great, but there are also other less obvious ways that we are self-sabotaging that could be adding up to a messy, disorganized home. Hey, Clutterbugs, welcome back to the Clutterbug podcast. I'm so excited to have you join me today. I hope while you're listening or watching you're watching. this podcast that you are taking action on your home in some way. I want you to do the dishes

or do laundry or declutter something. Let's spend some time together and make a difference. Do something small that will make you proud. And I wanted to talk about self-sabotage today because the truth is like I'm just going to say it. When we have these roadblocks in our life like clutter, like mess, like not being able to establish new habits, it's always, it always comes down to ourselves. And it comes down to these like mental roadblocks, these, these sort of like self-fulfilling prophecies or this mindset that we have that doesn't allow us to get the things we really want. And self-sabotage is like a real thing. It's human nature. I want to talk about that today because I definitely am so guilty of this. It's so easy for me to see this in other people, right? But very hard for me

to see this in myself. And I've been, I'm just going to tell you, I've been really procrastinating this whole move. So we move into a new house in like a week. But this whole week I'm on vacation. I actually leave tomorrow. And when I get back, like the next day or the day after, the movers come and we're moving to a new house. And I'm not packed. I'm not ready. There's stuff behind me. There's stuff on the walls. There's stuff everywhere. And I just, I'm thinking why. Why am I not doing the things that I know I need to do? I'm setting myself up for a disaster when it comes to this. And I was actually, I've been listening to Self-Help books to try to motivate myself. I've been listening to podcasts to try to like borrow motivation from someone else.

and someone brought up this whole idea of self-sabotage and it was like it was like a light bulb moment for me and I really had to think about is this something I'm honestly doing so let's just chat about some really obvious ways that people self-sabotage and and then we'll get into maybe some like less obvious ways that people self-sabotage you you want to lose weight you want to be a healthy fit person yet you're going through the Mickey D's drive-thru, eating the chocolate bar, the donuts. That's, that's like, that's self-sabotage 101. That's something I am so guilty of all the time. I think this is like just a common thing that a lot of people do.

Or I really want to save money. I want to get out of debt, but then we go on a shopping spree and we self-sabotage. But sometimes it can get really more, even more toxic and more, let's give you an example. you've grown up in a household where your parents maybe had a really toxic marriage or were divorced, didn't get along. And so we've kind of told ourselves that true love isn't real or that happy marriages are, you know, fake. They're a farce. And then you get into a relationship and it's happy and you're super in love. And you're kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're waiting for like what's the catch here and sometimes we do things to kind of break that relationship up this is

just an example because we don't want to feel the pain of it failing this is the lot of the times why we also procrastinate doing things because or or like don't go for that extra promotion at work or whatever it is it's really a fear of failure this is this is. idea that it's all going to come crashing down anyways, it's all going to be negative in the end anyways, I don't deserve this. And so we actually, usually without even realizing that we're doing it, so completely subconsciously wreck things for ourselves. And I can, I can see this in other people in my life all day, all day. I could be like, well, their selves, why don't they just do this? Why are they doing that? I see it in my church.

children. Very common. And definitely this comes down to like a low self-esteem thing, low self-worth sometimes, but not always. Sometimes it really just is like the fear of when things are going good or even the idea of things going good is somewhat scary. Why? I don't know. Okay. Let's talk about my situation for a second and then we'll go back to you, be your situation and I'll give you some examples of ways that you might be self-sabotaging, having a clean and tidy house and what we can do to stop doing that. You guys know I bought this house. I am very excited about the idea of this house.

But on the other hand, I've spent the past 15 years or probably even longer, let's be my whole life, really priding myself on someone who doesn't give in to materialistic things, I guess. I don't even know if that's what it is, what I'm saying. I just like, I don't buy name brand clothing. I have two Kate Spade purses that my husband bought me as a gift because I've always like, I love her story and I just, anyways, but I'm always like, I would never buy a name brand purse. So he bought them for me as a gift. And I still feel like shame when I wear them for some reason.

Like shame, like it feels unnatural. And what I've learned is this is called cognitive dissonance. So cognitive dissonance is something that it's a really basic uncomfortable feeling, basically, because something goes against what we know, goes against a belief. It goes against a value that we have internally, or it goes against what we see as reality. You know, smoking, you know it's bad for you. It causes cancer, but you can't stop smoking. That's cognitive dissonance.

It causes like some uncomfortable feelings inside of us in our brain, right? And I feel this when it comes to name brand clothing. I everyone's like you got to try Lulu Lemon pants if you ever listen to my podcast before I have a whole story about Lulu we're not going there but um I go I walked into Lulu Lemon and I felt like uncomfortable at the thought of buying a pair of expensive yoga pants I avoid spending a lot of money in anything I've never bought a brand new vehicle and even though we could afford these things there was a long time that we couldn't afford these things but I also really really really told myself, like, it's a value of mine that I wasn't going to give into that type of consumerism, that type of feeling peer pressure to keep up with the Joneses and buy things just because they're cool or popular or have a name brand or to keep up with other people. And so I purchased this house and I'm not, it's not a mansion or anything, but it's definitely, it's a bigger home and it's not even super fancy like it really isn't but something in me is like

it feels like it's going against my core value which is not giving in to something it feels like too fancy for me does this make sense probably not because maybe you don't have this belief but I feel like am I self-sabotaging this move? Am I self-sabotaging enjoying the fact that I have this new house? I'm really focusing on all the negative things. Anytime I talk to anybody about the house, I only point out the things that I hate. I only talk bad about this house. Even though I genuinely love it, I was filming a home tour and I kept saying to Emily, my assistant, who was helping me, I was like,

don't show this it's too nice don't show this it's it's too nice and because i felt shame in that how bonkers weird is this not only do i feel shame like to people watching because i don't i don't want other people to feel like bad about what they have but i genuinely feel shame in my soul for having it and like i said it is an opulent crazy over the top. It's a walk-in closet and I feel shame about this because I'm feeling cognitive dissonance is what I'm thinking. I'm self-sabotaging my own joy because my entire life I've told myself that people who have that are something that I don't want to be or giving into that is like somehow peer pressure or spending money on stuff like that is somehow wasteful. Even though I wanted it,

even like craved it, I really have been telling myself this narrative for a very long time. And now I am 100% self-sabotaging to the point where I'm not even close to ready to move in. Okay. So how does this pertain to you? I recognize this in myself years ago. I didn't know what it was called. And I didn't recognize that I was self-sabotaging. I did recognize that my thought process.

My mindset about my home was the reason that I wasn't making it better. So when I was living a very messy cluttered house, like when I was living this life of just chaos, I told myself a few things. One, people who had clean houses were neurotic. They were A-type. They were like my mother. And I never wanted to be that type of person. A person who had like a clean, organized home there was somebody I never wanted to be.

I judged those people hard in my brain. Now, did I do that because I wasn't that person and I was trying to make myself feel better? Maybe. But also, I grew up in a home where my mom was like super neurotic about cleaning. So I always, that was like a value of mine. I didn't want to be like that because my interpretation of that was something really toxic and negative. I associated those two. So anytime I would start cleaning, the house bothered me. Like I hated my messy cluttered home. But anytime I took action towards making it better,

I was having this cognitive distance. I don't even know if I'm saying it right. But I was having this like uncomfortable feeling, this feeling of wrongness. And yeah. And the same came from decluttering. being told my whole life that getting rid of things was wasteful, saving things was good. So decluttering had a wrongness to it. And this was very hard for me to overcome. And I had to really identify my mindset. And then even years later, after I did declutter and I did just like, you know what, I don't have to be my mother.

I can still have a tidy home. I'm doing this for me. It felt really good. I still had this victim mentality of my husband never helped. My husband never did anything. He was, you know, I was picking up after him. It wasn't fair. I was this martyr in our marriage.

And this is the story I really, really told myself, it didn't matter. Like, I'm going to be honest, it didn't matter even if he did do things. I wouldn't see the good. I'd only focus on the bad. So therefore, I only saw the bad. The bad was really magnified. And I spoke with a therapist about this who made me, I remember saying to her, my husband never helps me around the house.

And she said, is that a true statement? And I was like, yeah, no, he never helps. And she said, I'm going to flip this around. I want you to give me three examples of how he does help. And I was like, I guess he takes the kids to their activities. He does pick up after himself. he's tidy he helps me clean the kitchen she's like give me three more and this was an exercise that we continually i'm like paying this therapist i'm looking for her to support me somehow i'm looking

for her to like be on my side be like yeah your husband's a jerk you should leave him and what she was really doing was helping me realize that man a lot of this was in my head and it was like becoming this this not a self-fulfilling prophecy but like something that something that's something I could only see because I was telling myself that's the way it was. And why I wanted to talk about this with you is because it's very possible, I know 99% of the clients that I work with are really self-sabotaging in this same way. Things like, I'm really bad at decluttering. I suck at decluttering.

I'm not good at letting go. I'm the keeper of memories. You know, this core belief. about ourselves, anytime we try to let go, it feels very uncomfortable. Or I'm chaotic. I'm messy. I'm a hot mess. You know, we kind of, that's part of our identity. And so anytime we try to undo that or change that, we're self-sabotaging without even realizing it because something in us is feeling uncomfortable. It doesn't feel right. and we're kind of talking ourselves subconsciously out of doing the thing that we really want to do.

We don't want to stay where we are. We don't want to be messy. We don't want to have a cluttered home. So why is it so hard to take those steps? Or I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know where to start. I couldn't possibly pick everything so overwhelming. This is the narrative we're telling ourselves.

So this is the only thing that we see. and in a second I'm going to help you break through those roadblocks. I'm going to break through my own roadblock right now. And we're going to actually take action and try to stop the self-sabotage. I have to take a second to thank today's podcast sponsor, Cozy Earth. If you listen, you know that I think that your bedroom should be a top priority in your home. It's a retreat. Treat yourself.

I treated myself to beautiful. beautiful bedding years ago and there's no looking back. It feels so good to slide into my cozy earth sheets. They're bamboo. They're so soft. The more I wash them, I swear the softer they get. They've held up incredibly well, but my favorite thing is they're like cooling. So I get hot. I find that these sheets don't get hot. I have their pillows. I have their waffle blankets. Cozy Earth has so many beautiful betting options that feel like luxury, but it's really really affordable. You can have an exclusive offer 35% off sitewide when you use the code clutterbug. So go to cozyearth.com and use the code clutterbug to get up to 35% off sitewide.

So how do we stop self-sabotaging? How do we stop putting these roadblocks in front of us for all the things we want in life? Like, why are we wrecking this? How do we stop wrecking it? The first step is definitely realizing that we're doing it. I was, I was really like, I was like insanely shocked today when I thought about the fact that the reason I haven't packed could be because I'm self-sabotaging this move. The reason I'm always talking so negative about my new house and focusing on all the bad things that I hate,

to the point where I actually, like, I was pointing out all the bad things so many times to so many people that I actually started really regretting my decision of moving there. I was like, I actually think I hate this house. When I don't at all, because every time I go, I feel like, oh, I love this place. But anytime anyone else comes over, I feel shame and guilt and remorse. When I, this, how did I not see this? I don't know.

But now that I see this, I'm like, why am I doing this? why am I not allowing myself to be happy? Why am I not? Why am I not packing? Why am I not excited to get to the place to move into this new home that I've been like wanting for so many years? That's crazy pants. Having that knowledge, having that like being aware was a huge monumental step for me. I honestly felt a weight off my shoulders because.

I've been racking my brain thinking why have I been so lazy and telling myself, am I sick? Is my iron low? Am I just lazy? Did I used to be a hard worker? And now I'm not. Like, what's wrong with me? Now I feel like maybe this is what it is. And I want you to have that same self-awareness.

It's the most important tool that we can have in our toolbox for living a, how? happy and productive life. It's having real self-awareness about the struggles that we have and the reason we're not getting the things that we're craving. It's usually us. And realizing how we're doing that is our first step to overcoming it. So how are you self-sabotaging an organized home, a tidy home, a clean home? Maybe you already have all of those things. And you're listening to this podcast for other random weird reasons. Cool beans. It doesn't matter. I guarantee yourself sabotaging something, whether it's your health and fitness. I totally do this. I told I had weight loss surgery for crying out loud. And I know in my, I know, I know in my heart,

first of all, I love chocolate and junk food. Yes. But also, I tell myself I hate exercise. I tell myself that people, when I see people running past my house and working out or if I'm driving a car and I see people going for a walk, I think, I think, oh, you're those people, you're the fit people. And I like want to make fun of them. Why jealousy that I'm not that person, that I can never be that person. This is the story I'm telling myself. So anytime I go for a walk, I not only have to now get my butt out and walk, but I have to overcome the fact that I've told myself that I hate it.

And I've told myself that I don't want to be the people who do that, who go for walks or exercise. And I've told myself that I'm just going to fail anyway. So why are you even bothering? Like I have all these huge mountains to climb that are all in my head. What? What? So how do we change that? How do we stop that?

We fake it till we make it. We change the narrative. And this is exactly what I did when it came. to my house, every day I was like, I'm a tidy person. Or I'm not messy. I organize differently. I'm a ladybug. Man, I'm embracing this. I'm a ladybug. I don't have to organize like Joe or like the other people that I see in TV or magazines or my neighbor. I can embrace mine. And I owned that. And that was literally the only thing that changed. I empowered myself because I changed the narrative of how I talked to myself.

I talked to myself in a positive way and everything changed. And I just repeated that mantra. I actually am an organized person. I just do it differently. I need this method. I don't know. It might be all crap. It might be all fake.

You know, I don't care because it worked for me. I changed the narrative. And I feel like, yes, for me personally, when it came to like my house, I was like, listen, I'm the type of person I don't go to bed without doing the dish. I totally am the person that go to bed without doing the dishes, or at least I was back then. But I would just repeat this mantra. I put things on sticky notes. I had like positive affirmations all over the place when it came to my house.

I did the work of changing actively all the time. I set alarms to remind me to do my nighttime tidy up routine and do the dishes. And I also reminded myself, I'm doing this because it's a gift to me. I'm doing this because tomorrow caskets to wake up to a clean. kitchen and I deserve that. I started saying these things to myself, like out loud too, writing them down. I decided to change the narrative and guess what? I'm going to change it right now. I worked freaking hard. I work ridiculously hard. I deserve this home. I love my new home. It isn't perfect. It has a lot of things. But you know what? But there's no shame in having a walk-in closet.

I am 40, I'll be 44 years old. I talk about organizing. I do organizing for other people. I've worked my butt off. I work 10, 12 hour days. I've been saving my entire life. I deserve a walk-in closet. And I'm going to own that walk-in closet.

And there's no shame. I really still feel shame, you guys. But I can change the narrative. And so can you. You deserve. a beautifully organized home. You deserve a clean home. You deserve to have a clutter free home. You are good at decluttering. You're good at organizing. You can let things go. You can do hard things. It's going to get easier. Every time you let something go, you're going to feel really proud of yourself and you're going to

want to do it again. I'm saying these things to you, but you need to also say these things to you. You really, let's be honest, man, this comes down to self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth, doesn't it? Why aren't we worthy of this? Do you honestly, listening to this, I want you to imagine a clean, beautiful, tidy, super organized home. Does that fit you? Is that something you believe you can have? Really believe it? Or do you think that's impossible because your kids are messy or you, you could never keep it up or that's too much work or you're not that type of person. That's self-sabotage.

You are talking yourself out of it. You're telling whatever it is. I want you really to imagine a home that you, right now, not your home, but a home that you think is beautiful. You walk in and you think, oh, I would kill for this. You see it on a TV, maybe. Why can't you have that? You can't afford it?

Is that the story you're telling yourself? You couldn't possibly maintain it. You don't know how to do these things to get there. You're overwhelmed. There are so many stories that we are telling ourselves that are literally the roadblocks to getting it. Because at the end of the day, yeah, maybe we can't have a mansion. We can't have like, you know, we can't keep up. I can't keep up the rainbow home at it.

I'm not that type of person to, like, decant all my things and buy snacks just because of the colors on the package. That's not my jam. but like I can still have a Pinterest worthy pantry. Sure I can. And so can you. So can you. You can have a clutter-free home. It doesn't have to be a minimalist.

You don't have to have white walls and wear black turtlenecks friends. But you can have a home that feels easy and effortless. You can have a home that you're proud of. And clean is beautiful. and you can do that. And I don't care where you're starting from. You may have piles to the ceiling. You can declutter those.

Every day you can spend five or ten minutes and get things out of your home. And if you're telling yourself you can't declutter because it's too hard, you're self-sabotaging and that's a story that you can tell. And how can we change the narrative? What is something? Tell me three ways that you actually are good at decluttering. Give me three examples of things you've let go of. in your head right now say it out loud is anybody around if not out loud friends i know this is getting

all therapy e but this is the reality of it it's it's so much more than just it's not even about the stuff so much more than just putting stuff in trash bags or doing our dishes or are doing the laundry it's so much more than that it's layers upon layers and upon layers of more than that so let's dig it out let's get to the bottom let's let's fake it till we make it let's tell ourselves a different story until it it becomes true and we just have to pick one thing one thing that you're self-sabotaging and I know right now I'm self-suffer's a lot of things I need to go for a run I need to put down the McDonald's and the chocolate bars but what I need to do more what I need to do more is really be okay with the fact that I have a new home that I feel like I don't deserve.

I need to let go of that shame and start telling myself a different story that I've worked really hard. And I do deserve that. And it's okay to be proud of my home. It's okay to point out the good things in my home. I don't have to like, oh, stay small. And it isn't, I'm not, it isn't some crazy mansion. The kitchen's smaller. See, here I'm doing it.

But the kitchen is smaller than the kitchen I currently have. The living room is smaller. The family room is smaller. But it has an outdoor kitchen. I feel sick telling you that. It has an outdoor kitchen. It has an outdoor little mini fridge and a built-in barbecue and a little island. And that isn't like a huge deal.

but for some reason, it has an outdoor fireplace. I don't know why, but that feels like, that feels like what fancy rich people have. And for some reason, that feels really wrong for me to have that. I got work to do. But guess what? You have work to do too. We can do this together.

We can overcome whatever garbage crap we've been telling ourselves for some reason, because the truth is we're all a little nutty. We're all like a little nutty. We all got our own baggage. It's time to put some of that baggage down. Just put it down. Fake it till we make it change the way we talk to ourselves

because the words we say, the words we think, have power. And they shape our life. And if we're not doing these little things that we know we need to do, our change doesn't have to be big, but if we're not doing the little things, if we're procrastinating, if we're putting it off, if we're just not doing it at all because we're self-sabotaging, awareness is the first step.

So I know, I hope while you're with me today that maybe you've thinking of things a little bit differently. Maybe this didn't pertain to you. Maybe you're not a self-sabotage or that's amazing. I'm so happy for you. And maybe, you know, I just, you just liked hanging out with me for this podcast. but hopefully it's made you think. Like I had this light bulb moment today.

I really wanted to share it with you because I hope I can turn a little light bulb on for you too. And together we're not alone. We can do this. We can make, we can create the life we deserve. We can be happy and successful and just spread joy when every day we focus. We focus on being better than we were yesterday. Thank you guys so much for spending time with me, and I'll see you next time. Rosen lasagna, medium power, 15 minutes.

Sounds like Ojo time. Let's play. Feel the fun with Play-Ojo. The online casino with all the latest slot and live casino games. What you win is yours to keep with no wagering requirements, instant payouts, and no minimum withdraws. Hey, I just won. Woo-hoo. Feel the fun. Play Ojo

Honey, forget about the lasagna. Let's celebrate. 19 plus Ontario only. Please play responsibly. Concern about your gambling or that of someone close to you. Call 1866-531-2600 or visit connectxonterio.ca.