Clutterbug - Real-Life Hacks and Tips to Declutter, Organize and Clean your Home Fast - Hoarding, Healing & Hope with Amanda Uhle | Clutterbug Podcast # 289

Episode Date: September 1, 2025

In this heartfelt episode, I welcome author Amanda Uhle as she shares her gripping new memoir, "Destroy This House," and opens up about growing up with extraordinary (also complicated) parents. We explore the chaos of a hoarder mom, a scheming dad, and the emotional toll of a strange yet loving family dynamic as Amanda reflects on the unique challenges and unexpected joys of her upbringing.  Then stick around to hear me wrap things up with some real talk, listener questions, and additional reflections on how our past shapes our present.  Whether you’re fascinated by memoirs that tackle tough family truths or seeking inspiration to confront your own cluttered history, this episode offers raw, honest insights and practical wisdom for letting go and healing.   Learn more about Amanda here: https://www.amandauhle.com/ Check out and order your copy of Amanda’s book Destroy This House here: https://www.amandauhle.com/destroy-this-house Follow Amanda on Instagram: http://instagram.com/amanda.uhle/?hl=en     You can find more Clutterbug content here: Website: http://www.clutterbug.me YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@clutterbug TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@clutterbug_me Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/clutterbug_me/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Clutterbug.Me/   #clutterbug #decluttertips #podcast #declutteryourhome #mondaymotivation Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I just finished a book that was so good. Not only do I want to share it with you, but I also want to introduce you to the author. In today's podcast, we're talking to Amanda Ewell, and she is breaking down her incredible book, Destroy This House. This is a book about growing up in a very unique and insane household. Her mom was a hoarder. Her dad was this, I don't want to call him a grifter, but a dreamer and feel like you had a little ADHD, always trying new schemes. And they went from periods of extreme poverty to having a ton of money. It was sad. It was emotional. But I do think there are so many lessons that we can all take away from this book. Before we talk to Amanda, though, I really want you to take action on your own home today. I want you to spend this next 45 minutes to

50 minutes together and make yourself proud. Do something that's going to push the needle forward for the life and the home that you want because you deserve it, because you are worth it. And sometimes we've got to put on our big girl pants and do stuff we don't want to do in order to get stuff done. So maybe you're decluttering today. Definitely could clean out the fridge. And if you've read Destroy This House immediately, every time I was done a chapter, I wanted to go to the fridge and throw out old expired food. That is something that will stick with me forever, the haunting of the food. But also, where is another space in your home that you just feel like is maybe a little out of control that's adding friction to your life? Is your kitchen table

filled with things that need to be put away? Is your entrance way have shoes and coats and things all over? Why not take a few minutes right now, grab a trash bag and make a difference. Get up, my friends. You are not allowed to power. possibly listen or watch, you got to do something right now. We've been talking a lot in this podcast about scarcity mindset, about how your childhood affects how you deal with cluttered today. And Amanda's story is all of this rolled up into one. She lived through all of this. Scarcity, hoarding of parents, having to parent her parents. And how did that affect her as a grown-up and a mother today. Let's find out. Welcome Amanda to the Clutterbug podcast. I am so excited to have you

here. Thanks for having me. This is so exciting. Your book, Destroy This House, actually comes out tomorrow, but when this podcast is released, it'll be like a week later. Are you nervous? Are you excited? Are you, I feel like this has been a long time in the making. Thanks for asking that. I'm only a little nervous. I'm mostly excited. This is a story that I believed in and I think a story that I wanted to tell for a long time, years and years. And it was kind of like, you know, I never really understood until I did it. I never really knew how to tell my parents' story. And with like with a lot of things, sometimes you just have to try it and you just have to kind of keep going and work through it. And I feel like I did. So I'm excited to kind of introduce my very unusual.

parents to readers soon. I have to say, while reading the book, I fell in love with your parents and then I wanted to strangle them and then I just mourned them and then I fell in love with them all over again. Oh, God, stop it. Gosh, what a beautiful. It was such a beautiful story. And the hoarding is something that was really important for me.

I think because at Clutterbug, we help people let go and we help people declutter. And just seeing your mom's story from your perspective growing up in that household and the stress and the just emotional toll it took on you as a child was really interesting for me to read. And I would love to talk about that. But first, if you wouldn't mind giving a quick, I guess, synopsis of your memoir for those who don't know anything about. about destroy this house? It's brand new, yes. Well, I grew up in, mostly in the Midwest, in the 80s and 90s, and my mother was a hoarder,

among many other things. My dad was kind of a schemer, extraordinary, and so was getting us into money trouble fairly often. And, you know, that made for a challenging childhood, but also one that was unexpectedly fun pretty often. Strange and hard because I became a parent figure somewhat, somewhat formally, somewhat early, I think in my parents' lives and in our lives together. But you know what? I like to think of it as really the story of any family that has difficult people in it, that you can't change, you can't get away from or escape, but you just have to figure out how to do it

together to get through together. Can we talk about the title just really quickly, destroy this house and your dream that you had? Yes. Your recurring dream of destroying your house. So fascinating. It was a normal dream. I thought that this is like what everybody thought about at night because I had been doing it since I was about eight or nine. And I'd had this dream probably something on average of like five nights a week. Like most nights, most of my childhood, I dreamed. about just tearing my house up, just taking everything in the kitchen and pouring, you know, opening the jar lids and pouring it out and, and opening the fridge and just scooping out all of the rotten food and all my mom's bags of fabric opening them and, you know, throwing them out the window.

That's what I felt like I wanted to do, you know, my subconscious wanted to do that. It was not a bad dream. It was very satisfying and, like, It helped me feel right about things. And then I went to college when I was 18. And that first night in my dorm bed, I woke up and I had not had that dream. And I felt different. I felt like, oh, maybe that's, maybe that was about living in that house. I think a lot of people reading your book will see perhaps their own family members in your family.

do feel like your parents were an extreme example. But when I read the part about your mom, she had, I don't, I don't want to speak for you, but there was almost like a jealousy aspect when it came, yeah, to you and to other people. And you told this story about going to your friend's house and they all had matching forks. And even though that family was like poorer than your family, you just coming home and saying to your mom, how they had matching forks, immediately your mom got jealous and defensive. And I grew up in a household, which was the same way. I could say, oh, look at her shirt. Isn't it beautiful if you're at the store? And my mother would immediately be like, well, I could dress like that and I used to dress like that, but blah, blah. And it was always,

always wanting to be validated. I guess you throughout the entire book were trying to like, where, figure out your parents like, where does this come from? And why are they? they like this? You spent years. I'm still, yes, I'm still trying to figure that out actually in a lot of ways. And in reading your book, I felt like your parents really wanted to be extraordinary. And I love in your final epilogue, you said they were extraordinary, and they were extraordinary people, but I almost felt like their journey to prove their specialness and their exceptionalists and they're dreaming and always wanting to be sort of got in the way of leading an extraordinary life because they forgot that in the extraordinary, there's a lot of

ordinary too, like doing dishes and paying bills. I think you're so right. I think you're so right. And they, but I will say the way they treated us, our household, themselves. I mean, they really felt like we were set apart. And I had that sense when I was a kid that we were different. And that, you're right, that that sense of being different extended to, you know, my mom just feeling like, well, we don't really have to tidy up the house or clean it.

or and we don't have to do what other people do. Those were sort of ordinary things and we just didn't have to do them. So we didn't to, you know, to detrimental effect. But they truly were extraordinary people. They were flawed and complicated. I think in a lot of ways they were sad, you know. But they were also unusually. gifted in terms of their ability to be loving, to be funny, and to be, in my dad's case,

especially just a charismatic leader. He was a leader outside of our house, but he really was inside of our house, too. We followed. He led and we followed. And there was nothing wrong about that, you know, in all those years. Yeah, I really have to say I adored your dad reading about him. I felt like I did see some of myself in him, not with the exaggerating everything and the pie in the sky, but man, was he a dreamer and wasn't afraid to go after really big things? And if that didn't work out, it just was on to the next quick big amazing thing. I never saw my dad kind of wallow or suffer in his failures. And there were really many failures for as ambitious as he was, things just often didn't work out, he didn't worry too much about it, or at least in any ways that I could see. And I knew him

very closely, you know, very well the entire time he and I were both alive, which was about 35 years. And I never saw him regret or feel depressed about something not working out. He just said, well, what's the next thing we're going to do? Let's try something else. Yes. Which is not a bad lesson, even though it didn't really work out for him. It's not a bad lesson. Maybe a little ADHD in there. I don't know. But yes, I could relate a lot to your dad. And then listening to your mom's story, reading your mom's story, I see this in a lot of my clients with that fantasy self almost. I do feel like your parents were similar in that they were dreamers, but your mom almost didn't let herself fail. you talk about she collected fabric and wanted to design these outfits and saw herself in her mind

as this incredible fashion designer. And that sort of fantasy clutter, I see this with a lot of clients, not even necessarily people who are full hoarding, but it's the idea of what they could be and what they are and then they buy because that reinforces that. It feels good to dream and buy the things and collect the things, whether your mom was like going to make these elaborate meals or maybe she was thinking, if there ever was an apocalypse, I'll be prepared and be able to provide food for the entire state myself. But one, yes, I do think these. I mean, what you're saying about identity, I think is really important because I think my mom, you know, her hoarding was really connected to who she was and who she felt she was, who she wanted to be, who she thought.

thought she would be. And she did actually make some clothing projects. She made the dress that I'm wearing in the photo on the cover of the book. I don't know if that was known or clear, but I'm dressed. It's Easter morning on the book's cover. My father took the picture and I'm wearing, it's very blurry kind of on purpose, but I'm wearing a dress that my mom made. So she did make stuff for us, particularly me, more so than my brother and my dad.

but I would say she acquired the pattern, the fabric, the buttons, the zippers, everything she needed to make maybe 20 or 30 times more projects than she finished because there was that barrier. If I do this and it doesn't achieve this sort of grand vision that she had for the outfit, the project herself, then she would be different. you know, she would be less than what she wanted to be. I love diagnosing people's organizing styles. So with Clutterbug, I've been able to sort of see patterns in people. And obviously, I could not diagnose your parents. I haven't seen, but I will say your mom to me seemed very visual, for sure. She also had a really very detailed, analytical, logical mind. She knew where everything was in all of her piles. And do you feel like your mom was a bit of a perfectionist? Oh, I don't know if I've ever used that word with her,

you know, thinking about it. So it's something to think about. I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. I mean, perfectionism being the, I won't do it unless it's just right. Yeah, that was my mom for sure. What I find is so very cool is a lot of people that I've met and talked to who do have hoarding tendencies have this sort of perfectionist mindset, which I find very ironic because you look at it. You're like, nothing is perfect. Everything is a disaster. And yet it's almost because it's like, why bother if I can't do it the way it should be done or I'm going to get to it later when I have the time to do it right? Or it's that dream of the, what it's supposed to look like and getting started and potentially failing is so scary, that, yeah, you're stuck in this limbo. I would diagnose your mom as a bee. Now, your dad, he seemed more of like I am a ladybug, so more of a big picture thinker, a dreamer, a less detailed, like, ah, accounting sounds horrible.

I'm just not going to do that. But did your dad like to see the things? Was he, did he agree with your mom? Was he bothered by the clutter? Or do you think he was craving a more minimal space? You don't really talk about that too much in the book if there was conversations between them about the mess. I like to describe my parents, though, as sort of a Midwestern Bonnie and Clyde in that they were just in it together. So whether they, you know, whether my dad wanted it to be better or not, he wasn't.

He was the last person that would criticize her for it or try to intervene. He wanted to, and he did support her. You might say enable her, but I don't like to get too psychologically diagnostic about the situation. But, you know, he was always just going to support her. And so when we had conflict in my house, which wasn't actually that much for, I know the title of the book might indicate that it was a yelling house or something. It really wasn't. But when I, as I grew up, and especially as I was a teenager, would challenge my mom. I would try to clean things up.

I would try to, you know, make things better. I saw the mess as being part of our problems. It was certainly part of my discomfort in the house. When I tried to do that, my father would say, well, this is your mother. And we love her and we love people just the way they are. And you just, you got to deal with it. You know, it was so hard for me to deal with. And of course, it was so hard for my mom to deal with being, you know, confronted with this or having her stuff messed with or cleaned up.

Which is very bee-like. So what I've found is helping hundreds of people organize. Are there people who are very visual and they like to see their things and they actually get comfort in seeing. their everyday things and it sort of reinforces happiness and all the things. But then there's other people who are very much overwhelmed by looking a lot of everyday items. And I do feel like you are more of a person who was like, I'm overstimulated by looking at all the things. Whereas your mom and maybe even your dad really found comfort in seeing the things. So your mom is definitely what I would call a bee organizer. And then the other thing,

side of the organizing styles is very detailed, very analytical, likes lots of categories versus someone who's more laid back, less categories, you know, just want to toss it away, I'll figure it out later, which definitely feels more like maybe your dad's side. But for you, have you found balance in your own home now? And do you feel like growing up like that with the stress and the anxiety about the clutter. Has that influenced you in your own home today? Absolutely. I mean, it's it's one of the main things I think that I craved as a kid was to grow up and to be able to have some sense of control over my environment, right? It was just like a deep need that I had. And it wasn't that I wanted to control my parents or throw away all of her stuff or anything like that, but I wanted to feel a

little bit more peace with things. And so for sure, I mean, when I got my first apartment, which was a very, you know, sort of one of those white box one-bedroom apartments, it was in a high rise in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I got this apartment and it was just like completely pristine. Like all the walls were white because it was one of those, you know, beige carpet. And I had some nice furnishings in there, but it was like not a speck of anything on any counter, any surface. I just, I went into a Spartan look for a moment. But, you know, that's actually not really me either. And so I'm now an adult and I have kids and a husband and, you know, a house.

And frankly, we have a lot of stuff in our house. I collect books. I have a lot of books. I like old vintage dishes. I have clothes. I like things. My husband collects records. So we don't live in a way where there's nothing anywhere.

But we do live in a way where things are put away in a spot, you know, somewhere in the house. And then also I think it's really important to say that the sense that I didn't have when I was a kid was the sense of being able to relax in my home and to just feel like there was space for me, space to sit down. It was comfortable to bring guests over. So all of that, that feeling, which is pretty intangible, but that is in, I think, in abundance in my house where I live. You know, we open our doors to friends and family all the time. And the stuff we have isn't in the way of our daily lives, whatever we want to do. My daughter going to high school and me working and, you know, cooking dinner. Our house is functional with some stuff in it.

So that's where I, that's my balance, I think. I love that. I'm so, so, so happy for you. Thank you. That's really good to hear. I grew up in a household where my mom was the opposite. She was like definitely a clean freak, constantly compulsively cleaning all the time. And I rebelled and like, I don't want to be like that.

And then when I did start to be like, okay, well, I can't live in filth because it's making my eyes twitch. I always had this thing in the back of my mind like, I don't want to end up like my mother, this sort of fear of crossing that line into, you know, going into that sort of mental illness. And I'm really happy to hear that you've, you know, found that balance. And you're like, I can have all my stuff. And I know that I'm not worried that it's going to lead down a dark path. It's not disruptive. I remember when I was in probably eighth grade. I slept over at someone else's house and this girl had, you know, her house was very tidy. It was a small house, super, super clean, super tidy. And in her

bedroom, there was like a little waste paper basket. And whatever we did, we put one little piece of trash in it the night before. We went to sleep. And I woke up in the morning and her mom was like sneaking in to get that piece to empty the trash. And I, I just was like, I couldn't believe it. I thought mothers do this. Now, I think that mother was maybe like a little on the other side. Like she just couldn't stand to have one little piece of trash in the waist basket. But it was so, it was such a revelation. I mean, I'll remember that forever. This kind woman coming in to just make sure everything was perfect. Wasn't my experience. growing up. Did you find like this to be very therapeutic, the writing? Did that help you find the

balance, all the research and just get really trying to get to know your parents more? Did it help you understand yourself more? I would say, in a way, but really the, the healing, the addressing the issues kind of stuff, all of that really happened before I started writing. writing the book in my experience. And I was writing to work through it, but I was writing in my journal. You know, I was writing and thinking. Writing is kind of how I think. So there was a lot of that for years. But I think, I don't, I don't think books that are used to kind of address an issue internally are always as good, you know, are always as good for the reader. They're great for the writer. But by the time I sat down to write the book, I really felt a distance that I think was appropriate and good.

And I felt a fondness for my parents, which I think comes through. You know, I loved them. They loved me. They were really, really hard to live with. But had I written only from those pure feelings of bitterness and sadness, disappointment about how the end of their lives went, I don't think that would have been, I mean, it would have been a good book for me to write, but I don't think it would have been that fun to read. I could be wrong.

But the healing part is kind of a, is the first thing. And the writing part, hopefully gets better. I was, I loved your book so, so much. And I want to talk about two things that really stood out to me. When I'm dealing with people who are, I'm trying to help them and coach them when they have extreme messiness, They often say, I just need to get organized. Like, it's just the mess. I just need to get organized.

I just need to get organized. What I found really fascinating was the story where you went in the basement, unpacked and organized all the food, made it super organized for your mom. And instead of appreciating that, and it's almost like she got very angry, it may be jealous that that was something she couldn't do. I don't know where that came from. And that, to me, as the reader, and just from my background, I was so confused at like where that anger came from. Because you took something, I feel like she wanted, which was stalking up and being prepared.

You made it actually functional for her. But instead of being happy, she was upset. Where do you think that came from? I think that anyone else, especially me, engaging with her. at that level felt like a judgment. It felt like I was saying this is bad news as it is, which is like a big mess of dozens and dozens of grocery bags and boxes and whatever and stuff we can't find, which is exactly how she wanted it.

And I didn't like the way that it was. And I wanted us to begin using up some of the food. It's just kind of like a primal interest I had in getting rid of that discomfort of not just the stuff, but the sense of waste was really kind of troubling for me as a teenager especially. So, yeah, I thought I was helping. I was helping myself. I was helping my own level of discomfort. But it was really the most unwelcome thing possible for my mom. It's hard to describe how much she didn't want me to do that. And I didn't really know. Which I find so because like she's okay with the 26 jars of spaghetti sauce in boxes and bags where she can't see it or

access it. But as soon as it's out on display, it was maybe because it was like a, she then had to be confronted by the excess, whereas if it was all over the place, it was, or it's just someone else touched her stuff, you're thinking, yeah. And I think that part of my mom's thing was not just the hoarding and the sort of mess, but it was a compulsion to shop. And so, So if we already have 26 jars of spaghetti sauce, then she can't really go to Kroger and buy another one. And that's what she wanted to do. Or another three is what she wanted to do. My mom would buy anytime we needed something at the store, instead of buying one, she would buy two.

And later it was three. But it was like she always had this extra kind of backlog, like sort of a just in case. But she didn't want to use it. And she didn't want to use any of what we'd already. bought. So that was the thing that I think was harder for her to give that up. And do you, one more question, I'm so sorry, but do you think some of this was coming from scarcity? You talked about like she didn't even want to throw out moldy bread. But then when the roof caved in and a bunch of stuff in the garage got destroyed, it was kind of like, me, well,

so it was very strange to me that it was like, I don't want to waste, but also like I don't care if I waste, I found that odd. Yeah, they would say and do different things, my mom in particular. So she would always say, never waste, we can't waste, whatever. But we were the most wasteful household in the Midwest, I think. Like, there was just so much waste. No, I mean, she had like a, my dad used to call it, like, an issue with finishing things. Like, if she had, let's say, a bottle, plastic bottle of Diet Coke, she would drink it down to like three quarters of an inch and then she would set it aside because she didn't want to have to like I don't know finish it but then it you couldn't throw that away because that would be wasting but right that's how the thinking was and that kind of thinking

I mean that's why that was what was stressful to me right as a young person and as a person trying to sort out my own relationship to food consumption shopping, purchasing, living, you know, all those things that are just kind of in the background of what you're thinking about as you're maturing and as you're setting up your own household and your own career and all those things. Yeah, I just didn't think that way. I still don't. Yeah. She got really upset with you, I feel like, but also like when you were cleaning and when you were tidying, it was almost, she called you Martha. She did. call me, Martha. Which was almost like not a compliment. It was almost. Oh no. It was not a compliment. Yeah,

like there's something wrong with you for wanting to clean, but then she also wanted you to clean and expected you to clean. So it's very, there must have been a lot of shame for you and that must have been confusing, not only as a child, but as an adult too, to be expected and someone depending on you to be in charge, but also while you're being in charge and taking care of things and cleaning, to also be shamed for doing it. Has that fair? When you are now bringing out the fantastic and the bleach, do you still, is that ringing in your head, that, that Martha? Well, a little bit. You know, when you mentioned before about my mother having this perfectionism trait, I almost wanted to disagree with you because someone that she's thought was a perfectionist, maybe the ultimate

homekeeping perfectionist was Martha Stewart. And boy, did my mom not like Martha Stewart. Like to her, Martha Stewart was someone who everything was just so. And, you know, the omelet was made perfectly in the perfect pan. And the counter was clean afterward. And the eggshells were composted. And it was just perfect. That was so, I would say it almost filled my mother with,

rage. Like, she just did not like it. And of course, I, this was in the mid-90s and when Martha's TV show was coming out, I found Martha very compelling. Like, again, at a core level, I was like, wow, she's, you know, look how tidy everything is. Everything has a place. This is, this was like an appealing thing for me. And so my mother would notice me doing household things because I was really just filling a void that was there. I mean, they were not cleaning the house in any meaningful way. There weren't very many home-cooked meals at all. So I would kind of get excited about making a meal or wiping down the bathroom or whatever. And my mom would call me Martha not in a nice way. So, but yeah, I mean, I felt like I, I felt like I wanted to do it because I wanted it

get done. You know, the difference between like, I really want to be wiping out the sink and I really want the bathroom clean, which is what I wanted. And do you think they really wanted that too? Like, I wonder, I wonder when reading the book because they kept kind of depending on you and they knew when you came that you would do that. And I wonder if deep down there was this longing for perhaps that, but there was also her shame and their shame that they could. couldn't do it on their own. I don't know. It's so complicated, isn't it? I still don't know. Yeah. I don't know if they wanted those things done necessarily. I know that they could see it. Like at a core level, they could see that the way we lived and the way

our house was kept was not at an acceptable level for visitors. We didn't really ever have anyone over. It was really rare. The times that it happened are probably all in the book. It's like maybe six times when I was growing up that we had people over. Big events, you know, for us to tidy up the house. So they knew that. And we kept people out of the house for the most part. So I think that they knew it. But I don't think that they were terribly compelled. I mean, they certainly, they proved they were not compelled to do it themselves. So I don't know. I don't know if they wanted it done at all. But I did it. But you did it. Yeah. And you still, do you still enjoy cleaning to this day. Like, I've had to find balance with my, the message in my head growing up of like,

I don't want to clean too much, but I, oh. And I wonder if that is followed you when you, like, you are cleaning your bathroom, if you're like, oh, I don't want to be full Martha here. Or are you just like, oh. I mean, you know, I happen to be, I'm so fortunate. I'm married to someone who's a great cleaner. My husband is like, he's very good of vacuuming. and I really dislike vacuuming, and he'll do that all the time. I'm a little more of a de-clutterer. Like I like to tidy. And my husband is more inclined toward, he's, I would say, not a declutterer.

But he'll do the shower tiles and he'll do the vacuuming and things like that really naturally and easily. And he just sort of, he takes to it. And I'm the one who's like, okay, there's a few magazines on the table. let's put those away, let's clear the kitchen counter, put the toaster where it belongs. You know, I'm more doing that. But I don't know, it's harmonious. It's not, the biggest headline here is that it's not something I have to think about a lot because I thought about it enough when I was younger, maybe.

I love that. Oh, this makes me so happy for you. Honestly, it does. The other thing that really stood out about your book to me was, honestly, I was so sad. I was really sad because I felt like your parents were just such big dreamers and thought of themselves as so extraordinary and wanted this incredible, extraordinary life, didn't want to be ordinary and didn't. I guess, yeah, they saw themselves as unique and different. But in the end, really kind of gave into like this victim mentality, which I found heartbreaking, but also something that I've seen quite often. So when life isn't working out, instead of blaming yourself and maybe having some, you know, evaluating your own life's choices and maybe making changes and accepting failure and then, okay, but I'll try something different.

And it was like, well, it's not my fault. It's my illness. It's the government. It's his. It's like just completely placing blame. So maybe they didn't have to feel their own failure or something. Yeah. And they never blamed each other, which was I think it's a testament to their love.

I mean, they really loved each other and defended each other as allies always. They blamed me and my. brother a little bit, you know, toward the end because they were just looking for anywhere to cast, as you're saying, responsibility onto someone else. So often it was like, you know, their employers didn't treat them well or give them the right insurance or give, you know, pay them enough or whatever, whatever the circumstances were. They were frequently feeling burned by whatever, you know, circumstances we were in for a while we did this thing that's in the book, which is we were secret shoppers for a fast food restaurant.

So this was a way for us to get a free meal a few times a week and a few dollars too. We got about $25 for doing it. And of course my parents, like, we did it, but we kind of over did it. We pushed the rules a little bit. We were poor when we did need the extra meals, I think. but when we got discharged from the program for breaking the rules, you know, my parents were never, they never said, oh, well, I guess we broke the rules. They just said how terrible these people were that had used them for their, you know,

secret shopper purposes, which was a funny thing to attribute to fast food restaurant that was clearly not targeting my parents, but, you know, that was kind of how they always approach things, is that they were right and they were good and it was so hard to make it in the world with so many people kind of coming after you. I felt that. Even at you, they, you know, you helped them with their taxes and it was your fault. And yeah, it was very much like their Teflon and nothing kind of sticks to them. No, you're right. Yeah, with this fantastiful, like, you know, just the idealized version of themselves, they just couldn't admit reality because that would just, yeah. So it was sad.

Reality was hard. Reality is really, I think that's not something that's unique to my parents. It's hard to face what's real out there, you know? It is, yes. Do you have a message you want your readers to take away from your memoir? Is there something you, I don't know, hope they learn or something they take away from this? Well, you know, I'm not a great advice giver. I can say I was in, my brother and I both really were in a very challenging,

desperate at times situation. And it was so hard. And I had no idea how to address it, how to make it better, how to get through it. And I still, I can't look back and say, well, this is what worked or this is how I did it. So I don't have advice like that. I do have this advice. I think that when we judge other people and how they are getting through whatever they're demanding, strange, unusual, hard situation is, I think it's so important to remember

we do not know what that person has been through and like what all the circumstances are. So however they're handling it, they may be doing their best and they may be facing circumstances that you just don't have any idea about or any way to evaluate. So I did find that, you know, especially toward the end of my parents' lives, I had been through a whole lot with those folks. And I still had people who were like, well, could you do a little more for your mom? Like, she's your mom. We're talking to you, the florist.

We're talking to you, florist. Boy, that felt so bad because I felt like I was at pretty much the end of my rope. Like, I could, you know, at times the stress of dealing with my parents gave me terrible headaches. I had a rash for a while. I was, you know, having a hard time at work. I was having a hard time being a parent. I was really giving all that I had and then some. And I still had people say, well, gosh, how bad can it be?

Your parents aren't, you know, is it that bad? And so I think we just never know how bad it is or the depths or the complexities of other people's families or lives. We don't know. So, you know, I think that's- I think that's so good. And I will say that in reading your book, I really loved your parents, but I cheered for you when you had boundaries.

I cheered for you when you were like, Nope, enough is enough. You made that bed. You lay in it. Even though they needed help, it was, yeah, I was just really proud of you for standing up for yourself and having boundaries. And I wish you had done it a long time earlier for your own piece of mind. But what just, what a beautiful memoir. Thank you for writing it. I just, I do. I feel like everyone who reads it is going to, whether you can relate or not, everyone is just, it's going to stick with them. So thank you so much. Great conversation.

I really appreciate how closely you read the book and all your questions. Yes, thank you. And I'm going to put links in the description where people can purchase a copy. Run. This will be a New York Times bestseller. It is absolutely an incredible read. Thank you. I have to take a second to thank today's podcast sponsor, Cozy Earth.

It's getting cool outside. Fall is here. It's time to make your bedroom a sanctuary and treat yourself to some cozy earth bedding. I switched years ago to their gorgeous soft bamboo sheets and now I have their blankets, waffle blankets, towels, pajamas. I am addicted because every time I wash them, they get softer and still even five years later, they look absolutely brand new. Be honest with yourself. When you go to a hotel and you slip into like gorgeous. just sheets. It feels different, right? It feels like luxury. And I want that in your bedroom, too. You can have that every single night. And the fact that their temperature regulating definitely helps too. So I never get too hot or too cool. It's always Goldilocks up in my bed. Just right. Right now, you can head to cozy earth.com and use my code clutterbug for 40% off. And if you get a post-purch survey, make sure to let them know you heard about cozy earth right here. I do have to say I loved that book so much. Destroy this house, I do think will be a bestseller. It is incredibly written. And it's exciting to actually get to talk to the author. It's not every day. You get to read a book

that moves you, one that you know will stick with you forever and get to talk to the author about the book. That was just awesome. I'm going to put links in the description. If you want to get your copy, absolutely, it is worth the read, whether you are into decluttering and organizing or you just love hearing extraordinary stories about extraordinary people. This is a must read. And now it's time for Talk to Cass. I feel like, ooh, let's help people not go full Amanda's mom. Okay, first up, we have Robin. Hey, Cass, my name is Robin. I live in Victoria, BT, and I'm visiting Seattle now and then to help my biological mom and dad who are kind of both hoarders and I'm trying to help my bio mom declutter her house we haven't actually said the word hoarding um but i just wonder if you

have any tips on how to be gently helpful and supportive when she basically always has a reason to to keep things. Mainly it was a gift or she spent a lot of money or she just likes it's a sentimental thing and also she cannot bear to think of anything in the world going to the landfill even if it's actually garbage. That is one of the biggest problems. So she tries to reuse things. Anyway, not that much is coming into the house anymore because she isn't driving herself anymore, but it's just not a really good situation. Anyway, I'm going to see if I can send this and hope maybe you have some answers for me.

Thanks. Bye. Robin, after reading Destroy This House, I now have a different answer. I would like to say maybe you don't have to be the person to help your mom. Maybe your role is to be her daughter and her cheerleader and her support system. And I would really hate for you to become resentful and have your last memories of your mom be this sort of battle to help her get rid of things and her last memories with you of this battle to get rid of things.

There are a lot of services that you can have that can come in, can help with this, especially estate sales is a great option where they will take it and share a bit of the money with you. And again, then it's off of you and onto your mom. Now, if you enjoy this and your mom is enjoying spending time with you, that's a totally different story. And if this has a positive experience for both of you, definitely it's all about every small win. So you're using the yes, no method. You're cheering her on every time something's a yes. But if you find that this is like, becoming a chore and she's also becoming like resentful of the experience. I would just say maybe that isn't the role you need to be in this situation. Next we're going to hear from

Anonymous. I don't know their name but I know they're from Switzerland and this is a success story. Hello dear Cass. I just wanted to let you know what an inspiration you have been to me two weeks ago I was unemployed my house was a mess I've always had trouble with depression and mental issues including ADHD so it was really hard to keep my house and my life balanced and in check but since I found you I just I completely decluttered my house I got rid of at least 20 bags some went to Goodwill someone to the trash um I'm sending you this message and I just finished reorganizing my pantry which has been driving me crazy for months because I couldn't see anything. And I wanted to make it all perfect like the home edit. And I was listening to your

podcast where you say that, ah, you're not supposed to have everything look like the home edit. I mean, we're not, our house is not supposed to look like the home edit because we live here. And it has to be practical. And having pasta in rainbow colored jars or rainbow colored pasta in different jars is not something that is achievable for most of us, which is not a bad thing. I don't mind having, not having rainbow-colored pasta. But I, again, I borrowed your motivation and you inspired me so much to get all of this done and I actually got a job. So I think that's the mindset shift that I needed and you delivered. Thank you. so much and I hope you know that you're amazing.

Oh, thank you. I'm so proud of you. I love this. I love this because, I mean, who cares honestly if your house is perfect all the time? And I love that you've internalized this and maybe you're going decluttering and organizing. Maybe this is a hyper focus and maybe two weeks from now the house gets a little messy again. And that's okay because it doesn't always have to be perfect. But I love that you saw the correlation between taking back control. of your space and having confidence and feeling good about yourself and the effect that it has outside of just your home. You got a job. I found the same thing. When I started feeling really good about my environment, I had better relationships and I started managing my money better because

positivity spreads positivity. And whether we like it or not, our home and how we feel about it does affect every other aspect of our life. So I am proud of you. And if you slide and things get a little messy, that is not a reflection on you, we just jump right back on that horse. Next, we're going to hear from Denise, and she's going to share some mantras. I requested that you guys send me mantras. So let's hear Denise's mantras. Hey, Cass, this is Denise. And in a recent podcast, you talked about your common phrases. Well, I have one that I maybe used a little differently because it wasn't on cluttering in my house, but I love your phrase

kindness to your future self. And yes, I've used it to remind myself to do my dishes or pick up my clothes because that would be a kindness to my future self. But the way I used it in a maybe unexpected way is to stop smoking. Because if I don't have a cigarette, that it's a kindness to my future self

that I will be healthier. And I have said that phrase many times, and I'm happy to report that I haven't even had one cigarette for months now. And when I feel like one, I remind myself, let me be kind to my future self. So thank you so much for that phrase and for all you do. Really appreciate you. Bye. Oh, congratulations. They say that's like the hardest thing in the world to quit smoking.

I'm like, I'm impressed. Congratulations. And I also love that you are using that approach. This is something that I've been trying to do myself because, you know, I eat a lot of junk food. And somewhere in my brain, I saw it as a treat to myself to like eat ice cream or a cookie. And somewhere the wires are like, you deserve this. But I've been trying to catch myself having those thoughts and instead saying like, it makes you feel sick and it makes you feel not good and you're not taking care of your body. You deserve to treat yourself better. Like a kindness to myself is to say no to the ice cream. And it's working. Honestly, we went through the Dairy Queen drive-thru the other day and I was like, nah, I don't need any. I'm just going to feel sick later and I'd rather feel good tonight. Like, what? Who are you? And what happened to Cass? But sometimes just, yeah, changing the way you talk to yourself, it matters. So again, congratulations. That is amazing. Next, we have Pam with decluttering dinosaurs. But before we get to Pam, I'm

must say, you guys are kind of slacking on the decluttering dinosaurs. I know you have old stuff. I carried around my kids' teeth in my purse for years. Come on, you got weird stuff or old stuff that you're holding on to. Share those stories. Go to clutterbug.com slash talk to Cass and record a decluttering dinosaur today. And let's hear from Pam. Hey, Cass. My name is Pam and I live in Utah. And I wanted to share a relic of the past that we found. It was in 2012. And We were going through my stepdad stuff because he was a bit of a hoarder. And we would just randomly, he had a storage closet that he took of art or that he just filled up of nobody could use it. And we would randomly just take things we knew he wouldn't miss.

And my husband found a dot matrix printer in 2012. And I don't know if you're aware of what that is, but it was the ones with the little ribbons on the side. old. It had the ribbons on the side where it ran the paper through and they were all attached and you had to separate them after they printed. And I'm fairly certain they didn't even make those anymore after like 2000, but he still had one and he had extra ribbon for it and he insisted that one day he might be able to use it again even though you couldn't buy the replacement paper or the ribbons anymore. And I just thought that was so funny. And we found a lot more stuff. He recently passed away and were going through his things. And it's just so much stuff that's just old and should have

been thrown away years ago. But that one was my favorite. I love that. I don't think, I mean, yeah, I remember. I vaguely remember these with the ribbons and the printing. Do you know a decluttering dinosaur I just found in my mom's house was those CDs that you record. And I admit that I had those not that long ago, but you remember those DVDs and CDs that were blank and you could like record things on them? My mom had a huge box of them. She doesn't even own a computer. And she was like, maybe I need these. These are important. I'm pretty sure they're expensive. Does anyone even laptops today don't even have like a DVD CD? So my point is if you're listening to this, those can go, my friends. Those blank DVDs and CDs and

CDs, those are dinosaurs. Say goodbye. They're fossils. Declutter them just into the trash because no one even wants them at goodwill. They're trash. I hope you're proud of yourself for whatever you got done today. I'm proud of you for getting up and taking action. Hopefully lots of things left your house because no hoarders up here, the clutterbug community, we're fighting back against hoarding tendencies. Again, definitely check out the book, Destroy this house. I'll put a link below and tomorrow the video coming out is my strange ADHD hacks that actually help me get stuff done. They're weird and I'm excited about this video because maybe you can relate to some of these oddities. So check that out on the Clutterbug YouTube channel tomorrow. Thank you guys so much for

hanging out with me and I'll see you guys next time.