Clutterbug - Real-Life Hacks and Tips to Declutter, Organize and Clean your Home Fast - How to get your Family to Help Clean the House! | Clutterbug Podcast # 149

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Are you tired of being the only one who cares about housework? Are you tired of nagging, begging, and yelling at your family to get them to help you clean the house? In today's podcast, we chat about FIVE techniques that are guaranteed to get your family to help you clean more often.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How do I get my family to help me clean the house? This is by far the number one question that I get asked. And honestly, it's a struggle for me too. But we're going to talk about five techniques that apparently are amazing to trick our family into helping us clean the house. Hey, Clutterbugs. Welcome back to the Clutterbug podcast. We're talking about getting family members to help out around the house. I feel like this is such a universal thing. And not every family struggles with this. but I know I struggle with this in my family, and I got an email from Sarah, and it really hit home for me. Basically, her email said,

I feel unloved, disrespected, and I feel like giving up. No one in my house seems to care about the state of our house. I'm the only one doing the cleaning, and I feel so resentful. Maybe you can relate. I definitely can relate. And I've tried a ton of things.

Some have worked, some have not. But I want to talk about five techniques today. I need to do this work too. My family helps out a lot more than they ever had in the past. But they definitely could be doing more. And I know it starts with me. I hate to say that. Like, it feels, I wish it didn't start with me.

But the truth is, I have to be the catalyst for change. And a big part of the change that did happen in my own home was my age. own sort of mindset shift, I guess. I stopped looking at cleaning the house as I was cleaning up after people and I started doing it as a gift to myself. But at the end of the day, that's all great. And I definitely am way less resentful about housework. But I do wish my family would help out more. I wish they would see the dishes in the sink and just do them without being asked. I wish they would see the leaves on the ground and just pick up the vacuum and vacuum them up. I wish that I didn't have to point out or be the manager of the house and that people in this house, one of which is

an adult, were really capable of just saying like, oh, I see things that need to be done. I'm going to do these things. And unfortunately, that hasn't happened up until now. They are helpful. But I have to be the director of that. And that part, I wish I could change. So I'm going to try some of these five techniques to you. I've done a ton of research for today's podcast and I have a video coming out on YouTube as well. But let's talk about real techniques to get your family, whether they're doing some things or they're doing nothing. How do we get them to pick up after themselves and to chip in without us as the parent, as the mom having to be the manager and the director? Okay, let's start with the first technique, which is a ton of experts are agreeing that this is how you start

if people around your house really aren't doing anything at all and you've got to get some stuff off your plate. You are busy, you're feeling like you're drowning. Where do we start? We start with this technique, which is dedicating each family member one chore, just one. Yes, we want them to do 50 million different things. But we have to designate one chore. We have to write. We have to write it down and have it in a place that's visible and just like that's the thing that they are now in charge of and I really haven't done this up until now we have we do a lot of the other techniques that we're going to talk about but we have like kind of communal chores and hey can you do the dishes today or hey milo can you vacuum or isabel can you take out the garbage right now

but we haven't designated one chore. And all of the experts say this. You start with one chore at a time, one chore a day or one chore a week. And then when that kind of becomes you no longer have to nag and beg and scream and argue and they're doing that chore, then we can start adding more. But it starts with one. So our dishwasher broke last week. We're waiting for new parts to come. It's going to be a few weeks.

I'm crying in my corn flakes. A family of five. so many dishes. So I read this technique because I was Googling this to get prepared for this podcast and to be able to answer Sarah with like real tangible things. It was like a light bulb moment. So Abby is now in charge of washing the dishes and Isabel's in charge of drying and putting away every day. And they have to be done before bed. End of story. So yeah, there's dishes all over my sink and it sucks, but I'm not doing the dishes. I wish they would do them after every meal. If we had a dishwasher, people could load them, but the dishwasher's broken. So we're just piling

them on the counter. But that's it. I'm designated one chore. Like, this is your chore. Maybe it's cutting the grass. Maybe it's designated somebody that they're in charge of vacuuming the whole house. Another person is in charge of dusting the whole house. Or somebody's in charge of mopping all the floors. Pick one thing that you want off your plate and designate that to one person in your house. Now here's the trick. According to the experts, this is the trick. The first or even second time, we have to do this chore with them so we can teach them how to do it properly and what our expectations are for doing it. So last night, after I read this, I was like, Abby, you're washing. And, yeah, I'm ashamed to say my kids don't hand-washed dishes very often because we've always had

a dishwasher. There was like food in the glasses and she didn't know she had to put her hand with the cloth all the way in the glass. They had to kind of like scrub. I'm embarrassed to say I've never taught my kids how to actually wash dishes properly. And then she was dropping them in the sink and Izzy was drying them without rinsing the soap off first. I was like, okay.

So we need to show them the first time how to actually do it. If it's cleaning the bathrooms, we need to show them that they have to lift up the toilet seat and wipe the sides and wipe around the base of the toilet and how to move things off the counter and do the mirror properly. We have to do it the first or even second time with them to show them exactly what the expectations are and teach them how to do their chore and then set them free to do this chore on a regular basis one at a time. So I feel like this is so doable and I feel like it's also kind of common sense but why wasn't I doing this? Why was I not saying Abby you're in charge

of washing, is it you're in charge of drying, Milo you're in charge of taking out the garbage and feeding the dog. These are your things that you are in charge of and so it's not this wissy, wishy-washy thing where we have to have our kids or our spouse think like us and see the mess and intuitively be like, I should help out today. I feel like that's never going to happen. I feel like that's an unreal expectation, whereas making it very clear and concise with a dedicated chore is very doable. So that is the first technique. The second technique is the pay to play technique. I don't really know how we do this for our spouses, but basically what this means is before kids can either have screen time or fun snacks or go out with friends, they have to have

completed the tasks that you've told them to do, whether it is that dedicated chore or it's multiple chores like getting your homework done, making sure that you clean your room, making sure that your laundry is put away. There's an expectation of the things that you want them to do but they also don't get to enjoy the benefits of living in our home, the stuff we pay for, like the Wi-Fi and the really good after-school snacks or us driving them places until those chores are done. The only thing with this technique is it does require some monitoring. We kind of have to police this because there are very few teenagers and small children who are going to be like, oh yeah, I shouldn't be on the internet until I do my choice.

tours, I feel like they're going to either purposely forget to remember or even not purposely forget to remember this. So how can we manage this? We can change the Wi-Fi password daily, which again is work, or we can set up screen times on our kids' devices where we have to enter a passcode for them to be able to access the internet or certain apps that they want to play with. And to do this, they have to prove to us that they've done those chores first. So it is a This is a little bit more hands-on for us in a policing sort of way. But this pay to play technique, which is like they have to do the work to get the fun stuff, really it's good adulting, right?

Because even as grown-ups, we should get our chores done before we can sit at night and watch, I don't know, The Voice or whatever cool show or like, I don't know, The Bachelor. We should do our chores first. And so this is a great way to teach kids that sort of life skill. I don't know how this applies to spouses. If I told my husband that I was putting screen time on and he couldn't have the internet unless he cut the grass first, I think he'd tell me to take a short jump off a long bridge. Is that the analogy there?

He would pretty much laugh at me because I'm not his boss. And so I don't think that would work for my husband. But I do feel like this is a really effective technique for. kids. Okay, technique number three is family time cleaning. Now this is something that we do do that is very, very effective. And it's kind of body doubling. And I've talked about this in videos and other podcasts and how effective body doubling is. But for some reason, it's much easier to get motivated to feel motivated when other people are doing a task with you. So for us in this house, right after dinner, I'm like, okay, guys, as a family, we're going to get the kitchen clean,

or we're going to tidy the house, or we're going to quickly make sure all the bathrooms are cleaned, or all of us together, we're going to do yard work, whatever it is, things that are like looking a little out of control, we do it as a family. We either set a timer on the stove, or we just generally say, can you do this and I'll do this and you do this. And this body doubling, like, family time technique, it really eliminates that feeling of, people being bossed around, especially teenagers or spouses, everybody, let's be honest, when somebody's telling you to do something, but they're not doing it at the same time, they're feeling resentful too. Even if you are the one who cleans 99% of the time,

if you're telling somebody else to do something and they think you're just having fun and relaxing, they're going to feel that sort of resentment and not want to do it. But when we're all doing it at the same time, even if we're doing different things, it's a technique that motivates everyone. We have no excuse. We're doing this as a family because we live in this house as a family. And together as a team, we work together so we can all just get on with our day and have fun. So I do this technique with my kids and my family a lot. Nobody really argues.

But again, I have to be the manager. I have to be the director of this and tell people what we're doing, what time we're doing it, how long we're doing it for, and very often delegating tasks as well, which sucks, if I'm being honest. I wish, and maybe there isn't a magical bullet to make this happen, but I wish I didn't always have to be the person doing that. Before we jump into technique number four, I have to thank today's sponsor. A big priority to me is getting a good night's sleep, which is why I love cozy earth's bedding. Their sheets are amazing, so soft. And, and ethically sourced bamboo, so it's naturally breathable and temperature regulating.

But they also have beautiful pajamas made from ultra soft bamboo. And this holiday season, they have a ton of really beautiful colors. This is the brand cozier that has been featured on Oprah's favorite things for multiple years because it's awesome. And it also comes with a 10-year warranty, whether it's loungeware or bedding, why not give a great, gift this holiday season. You need to check this out. Go to cozyearth.com right now, just for my listeners, you can save 35% off when you use the coupon code clutterbug. That's cozyearth.com. Use the promo code clutterbug to save 35%. Technique number four is again something that I've been doing for a really long time, especially with my husband. And I have found this to be, I want to say

effective, but it isn't a perfect solution. But more than anything else, I've seen the biggest change with this technique. And that is what I call the cookie method. And basically what this boils down to is it's kind of like training a puppy. I feel, I hope my husband doesn't listen to this podcast, but anytime he does something without me asking him to, even if it's a small thing like emptying the laundry basket and like putting some towels away, I praise. Oh my gosh, thank you so much. You're such an incredible husband. I'm so lucky. That's so awesome that you did that. Because now he is associating, and I think it's subconscious, doing this thing with praise. And who doesn't like to be praised? Who doesn't like to be told that they're amazing?

When my kids clean their room, I'm always like, it looks so good. You're so good at this. You're such an amazing organizer or cleaner. Your room looks so good. You're so responsible to take the initiative to do that thank you so much or every morning my daughter she's 16 she makes her bed and i comment on it all the time you are so awesome that shows so much responsibility that you make your bed every morning it's a small thing that i can do dole out praise like cookies that i feel like who doesn't want that who doesn't want to feel good and so they're doing the action to get the praise again the only downside with this is me constantly having to remember to praise. And sometimes praising with things that I don't think are necessarily praiseworthy.

So I can feel that grumble of resentment coming in. Like I'll, I'll empty the dishwasher 99.9% of the time. The one time my husband does it, I need to celebrate and throw him a party. Yet I've never received a party for emptying the dishwasher. So these thoughts creep into my head. But I have to crush them and squash them because at least he's, emptying the dishwasher. This cookie method is a slow and steady approach to long-term change, but it isn't perfect.

And it isn't going to make somebody care about your home as much as you do and do as much of housework as you do. Let's talk about the last technique, which is to make it their idea. I know I've talked about this book in the past, but Gretchen, Rubin's book, The Four Tendencies, was so eye-opening for me as a way to understand not only my own motivational style, but my family member and other people's motivational style as well. What really motivates people to get stuff done? And how can we motivate other people to care, to want to do things? And what I found really fascinating was one of her tendencies is the rebel

style. And basically what this means is a rebel is somebody who isn't like self-motivated or motivated by external things. That it's just if you tell a rebel to do something, they're going to be like, you can't tell me what to do. And they're not going to want to do it because you've told them to. But also if they tell themselves to do something, they're not going to want to do it because they don't even want to be bossed around by themselves. And I know this sounds bizarre, but this is like a real thing and my husband and my oldest daughter are definitely rebels. So what do we do? How do we motivate a rebel? And basically what Gretchen Rubin says is we have to make it their idea. They have to be solving a problem. It has to be some kind of solution that they've come up with so that it's when it's their

idea and they're excited about it and they're looking it as a problem to solve, that is what motivates a rebel. So here's how we do this in a family, let's clean the house situation. We have a family meeting. So you sit down for dinner. When dinner's done, you actually just say to everybody, can we have a bit of a family meeting? Because I'm really stressed and I need your help. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I'm feeling kind of disrespected and unloved. And I need your help to come up with a solution. And I don't want to be the person who's delegated. chores for you but I really need you guys all of you to do more is there a solution can you think of something that could help like should we do chore charts on the fridge should we delegate a different

chore for each person what is something that you feel could really be helpful and and and help this situation and maybe they have great solutions maybe they don't but I think the more you talk about this never be like well that's a stupid idea it's going to take them time to warm up to this but but maybe hopefully there will be some really good solutions coming up so maybe they'll say let's hire a cleaning lady and you could say well if we all chip in are you willing to give $20 a week especially if you have teens who are working to solve this problem you might be surprised that they say yes but don't say it in like a in a condescending sort of mean way ask really is Is that something? Are you willing to chip in for a weekly cleaning lady?

And they might say, no, actually, but I don't mind doing the vacuuming to save the money. And then that's their idea. Or your husband might say, well, I can definitely pitch in and take care of the dishes at night so that you can do X, Y, Z. It's their idea. They've come up with it. You're not delegating. You're not demanding. You're not begging. You're making it a family discussion where everybody feels involved. and when somebody feels involved in the solution and it's their idea, they're way more likely to follow through and feel motivated,

especially if they're a rebel because you're not giving tasks. You're not a taskmaster. It's their idea to solve a problem. And everybody likes being the hero. So let your family contribute to being the hero, to saving you from this feeling of being unloved and disrespected without the nagging and the begging and the crying and the and the screaming, which just makes people feel defensive.

So again, I don't have it all figured out. And I don't know if anybody has it all figured out. I feel like this is something that it's always going to be something I personally struggle with, but it is a lot better. And I love doing research for these five techniques. And I'm feeling really motivated to have a family meeting tonight. to try again. And for right now, my kids are doing the dishes when we don't have a dishwasher, which is amazing. So again, dedicate, delegate one chore at a time, the pay-to-play technique where

you're monitoring things like screen time or snacks and the work has to be done before they get to enjoy the fun, doing it as body-dubling, as family time altogether. The cookie method, which is a ton, a ton of praise anytime anyone does anything without being asked or even if you are asking them if they're doing it or praising them and lastly make it their idea allow your family to be the hero to come up with solutions of how we can solve this problem as a family and everyone can chip in to do their part so you're no longer feeling so disrespected and so resentful i hope this is helpful I'm also curious though and I would love to know if you have another technique that has worked, please reach out to me because this can help so many people.

You can send me an email to Cass at clutterbug.com. Let's chat. Let's chat about ways that we can really, yeah, help other families and other moms especially not feel like they have to be the manager of the house all the time. Thanks so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you. you guys next time.