Clutterbug - Real-Life Hacks and Tips to Declutter, Organize and Clean your Home Fast - Self awareness is KEY to a clean and tidy home | Clutterbug Podcast# 93

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

In this podcast, I talk about self-awareness and the meaning behind your mess. I'll walk you through a few exercises from my new journal, The Declutter Challenge, that can help you overcome the roadblocks between you and the life of your dreams.  Want to work more on self-awareness and discovering the meaning behind your mess? Try my new guided journal, The Declutter Challenge HERE.         You can find more Clutterbug content here: Website: http://www.clutterbug.me YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@clutterbug TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@clutterbug_me Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/clutterbug_me/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Clutterbug.Me/   #clutterbug #podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today we're going to do a little sneak peek of inside my new book, The Declutter Challenge, which is a guided journal. We're actually going to work through some of the exercises in this book together right now. So hey guys, welcome back to the Clutterbug Podcast. Today we're talking about some mental exercises that you can do that are going to help you when you're decluttering your home. Because here's the honest truth. It's never about your story.

The reason you're struggling with clutter or mess or it's really hard to get rid of things, whether it's your grandmother's China or it's your kid's artwork or whatever it is, it's not actually about the stuff at all. It's all in your head. It's all the things that you're struggling with that you don't even realize that you're struggling with internally. So we're going to use some of the exercises in my new book, The Decluttering Challenge, which is a guided journal.

This isn't a plug. trying to convince you to buy it. I'm just going to use some of the exercises in that book. I'm going to go through them with you now in the hopes that they can help you overcome some of the obstacles that are in the way that are really blocking you from having the home of your dreams. So the first thing we're going to talk about today is self-awareness because so often we have a perception about ourselves. We have this belief about ourselves, whether that we're lazy or that we're not good at stuff, we're a bad mother, we're bad at housework, this core belief that we have that's sort of underlying, we don't even realize that we're having it, but it's shaping our lives.

And it definitely is shaping the way that our house looks. And so let's talk about how we can dig it out, how we can discover that core negative belief that we might have about ourselves when it's hidden under deep layers of other stuff. We don't even know it's there. And so one thing that we can do to dig that out is called the worst thing about this. So this is an exercise in the book, but you can do this with just a regular piece of paper. I want you to pick the biggest issue with your home. So the biggest issue with my home's current state is that it's really messy. Or that that I don't have enough space or that I feel like I'm constantly cleaning or nobody ever helps me. Whatever it is, I want you to pick one issue that you have with your home right now.

And then under that, I want you to write the worst thing about this is. And so here's an example of what I'm doing. The biggest issue I have with my home is my home is messy. the worst thing about this is I don't have enough space for the things I want to do. The worst thing about this is I'm not giving my children the space to do things in the home either. I'm not giving them the space that they deserve. The worst thing about that is I feel like a bad mother. The worst thing about feeling like a bad mother is, I feel like I can't do anything right.

And that's a core belief, right? When we can't break that down any further, when we really get to something, okay, so my home is messy, but it's messy because I feel like I can't do anything right. I have this core belief about myself. And maybe that's why it's messy in the first place, because every time I try, I talk myself out of having success. I tell myself, I'm not going to, I'm bad at this. I can't do this right anyways.

Why would I even bother? why would I even start? I can't do anything right. It's a core belief. So then when we have identified a core belief, now it's time to tell ourselves that this isn't true. Because when we have a core belief about ourselves, whether it's, I'm lazy, I'm bad at housework, I'm a bad wife, I'm a bad mother, I can't do anything right. We're always looking for evidence, whether we know it or not, to sort of prove that this is true. So, here's an example if you think that your husband never helps out around the house every time he leaves his dishes on the counter and doesn't put them in the dishwasher every time he drops his dirty clothes on the floor

every time you know he goes to bed without helping out around the house or he he's playing video games and there's still a mess on the kitchen you're looking see see the evidence see the evidence he never helps out see and then that's all you see is this the thing that things that's the thing to reinforce that negative behavior. But if you were to turn that around and say, well, that's not true because he loaded the dishwasher yesterday, or he stripped the bed today, or he did put away the laundry the other day without being asked, if you start flipping that and looking for evidence for the opposite, you're going to start being really less resentful of your husband. And the same goes for yourself. So if your core belief was, I can't do anything right, list five ways that that

isn't true. List five things that you do to prove that that is not true. If your core belief is that you're lazy, list five ways that that's not true. If your core belief is that you suck at cleaning, list five ways that that isn't true. And it's this exercise of identifying a negative core belief that we have and telling ourselves, hey, this isn't true, and this is just a lie that we're telling ourselves, and actively looking for evidence to prove to ourselves that it's not true, that's how we're going to change that core belief. And when we can identify and change that core belief, we can change every single thing about our life. Okay, so here's another quick exercise that I want you to do. I want you to take a piece of paper, and I want you to draw a big diamond

on the paper. So like, you know, like a square but sideways. So it's a diamond. So there's a point at the top and a point big square. You got it. Diamond. You got it. At the very top corner, I want you to write a goal that you have for your home or yourself a goal. You got that? You're going to write a goal. In the middle you're going to write how you want that goal to make you feel when you achieve it. How are you going to feel about yourself when you accomplish that goal? So write that down. You're going to feel proud, you're going to feel accomplished, you're going to feel like you finally have your crap together, you're going to feel like a good mother, you're going to feel like you're worthy, right, right how it's going to make you feel. And then at the bottom, I want you to write the date

that you want to achieve that goal by at the very bottom in the bottom corner. And now I want you to scratch the goal out, scratch it out. Because are you going to wait six months a year to feel worthy, to feel good enough, to feel however it is going to make you feel when you achieve that goal. Why would you wait to feel that way about yourself? You can feel that way about yourself right now. You can tell yourself that you're good enough, that you're worthy, that you're equal to your spouse, whatever it is that you want to feel. You're in control. You can feel that about yourself without having to achieve the goal and the truth is feeling that way about yourself now actively working to feel that way about yourself now is what's going to make you

actually achieve the goal not the other way around and so that's another exercise that I wanted you guys to do now let's talk about some meanings behind the mess so this is a chapter in the book the meaning behind the mess is called step five but it's basically like like understanding your why, understanding why you're struggling with clutter in the first place. So we're going to talk about that in just a second. I'd like to take a second to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast. Is there something that's interfering with your happiness? What is preventing you from really achieving your goals?

I think for me for a really long time, it was imposter syndrome. I just felt like how could I possibly run a business teaching other people how to organize when I'm a hot mess myself. And I had to sort of get that confidence. I had to figure out why I had these core beliefs about myself that I was lazy, that I wasn't good at stuff. And talking to counselors really helped me. And BetterHelp is a place where you can have private online communication. It isn't self-help. It's real professional counseling. Any time you can send them a message, if you just want to send them a quick chat. It's someone to listen and to help you. best of all it's really affordable i want you to start living a happier life today so as a listener you're

going to get 10% off your first month visit betterhelp.com slash clutterbug join over 800,000 people taking charge of their mental health again that's better help help dot com slash clutterbug so i'm just going to talk about two of the meaning behind the messes so two things that i see again and again and again when people are struggling to let go, when people are struggling to declutter, one of those core reasons why. And the first one is humans are kind of weird. Okay. So we have physical items to reinforce beliefs about ourselves or things that we want to demonstrate to other people. An example is if we feel like we're really healthy people, we pride ourselves on being healthy, we want other people to know that we're healthy we take our health very seriously maybe we're really

active we might collect a lot of water bottles right we may we may have an excess of workout equipment or things that sort of reinforce this belief we have about ourselves if you are a great cook and you love cooking and you pride yourself on being someone who bakes or makes amazing meals you probably have an excess of kitchen gadgets if you're a crafter if you're a crafter if you're You pride yourself on being crafty and creative. And that's part of your core identity. You probably have an excess of craft supplies. If you love reading and you pride yourself on being educated, well read, and an avid reader, you probably have an excess of books.

And the truth is because we feel like that's part of our core identity, whatever it is that we collect or have an excess of, we feel like that's part of our core identity. It's even harder to get rid of it, even if we're not using and loving it. we're like, okay, but that's part of me, even though it isn't. The stuff isn't part of us. We are not what we own. And even if we get rid of all of those extra reusable water bottles, we're still going to be a healthy person. We don't need the stuff to reinforce that part of ourselves. And it's just making that connection. It's like, it's like actually, oh my gosh, that's why I collect a lot of this. This is why I have an excess. We want to feel like, like good parents. We want to reinforce that we're good parents. We buy our kids obnoxious amounts of

toys. And it feels like if we get rid of the toys that they're not using and playing with, that it feels like, oh, then I'm not being a good parent. It feels like we're sort of taking that part of our identity or we're doing the opposite of what collecting that stuff makes us feel about ourselves. If buying our kids lots of toys makes us feel like good parents, then getting rid of those toys would then make us feel like bad parents? No, of course not. It's actually, we're being better parents by teaching our kids that excess isn't great. But first, before we can make that connection, we have to realize that, you know, we are not what we own. And the things that we have, how is that connected to our identity?

And just having that self-awareness is the first step to letting go, to overcoming that fear and that anxiety, which has nothing to do with the stuff. and has everything to do with the fact that we feel like that's part of our identity. So another meaning behind the mess, another obstacle, a roadblock for you, could be your childhood connection. And so for me, my mom is a clean freak. She is a clean freak. She's a lovely person, but she's a freak about her house. And I'm going to just say it.

She judges other people about their homes too. And she used to make comments as a kid, oh, did you see that? oh, they're lazy. Do you see that it's so dirty and they left this mess? Or did you see the streaks in the windows? You see the cobwebs in their corner? She would point out other people's messes to me as a child because she really prided herself on the fact that she wasn't like that. And she was sort of looking for that to make herself feel better. That was part of her identity was having a really clean house and working really hard at it to the point where she would like polish the crystals on her chandelier by hand. She'd constantly scrub the windows. She'd be exhausted. She'd stay up to three in the

morning, like cleaning everything like a freak. She wouldn't let anyone come over unless everything was spotless. If someone stopped by unannounced, even if the house was very tidy, we would have to hide because she was so mortified that anyone would even slightly see, you know, one tiny thing at a place. And I grew up seeing that, and I rebelled. And I associated cleaning and housework. And I associated cleaning and housework was something really negative. And I saw that as, well, I could never be like that. So why would I try? Why would I want to be like that first of all? I don't, I don't, I don't want to take it to that extreme. And it was sort of all or nothing with me. It was like, I really just, I really grew up with this negative outlook on housework. So I didn't do any. I didn't do any. Because as soon as I started

cleaning, I was like, oh my God, I'm feeling just like my mother. Or I thought to myself, I'd never achieve that same level that my mother has, so why bother? And it was just this anxiety-fueled thing. And it wasn't until I unpacked that and really realized, like, my level of cleanliness has nothing to do with my mother. And other people aren't going to judge me, and even if they are, I don't care. And that I'm doing this for me. And that having a messy home makes me miserable.

And I can have a clean house without going full clean. freak and I can embrace good enough and I don't have to be a perfectionist. This is all things that I really identified because I looked at my childhood and how it was impacting the way my home looked now. And I want you to do the same. Maybe you can relate to my mom. Maybe you had parents who were really messy. Maybe you had parents who really prided themselves on reusing everything they owned and being resourceful with their stuff. Maybe you had parents who struggled financially, and so everything, they cherished everything and they didn't get rid of anything and they held on to a lot of things. But that is not you. That doesn't have to be you. Maybe you don't have the

space. Maybe you realize that the best thing that you can do is pass on an item to someone who will actually use and love it. But you're letting your parents anxiety about their stuff still affect you today as a grown-up. And so it's taking the time to write down and really look hard inside yourself at that connection that your childhood has to the way your home looks now and how you can overcome it. And so there's lots of other exercises in defining your why, but I wanted to talk about those two in particular. I wanted to talk about how your identity connects to your stuff and how your childhood connects to your stuff and how just having that self-awareness is the first step into overcoming the fear and anxiety and finally actually letting go. So thank you guys so much for

joining me. I'm going to continue to do podcasts where we work through some of the exercises in the decluttering journal or some of my other books just kind of treating you guys like I would a coaching client, right? You're listening to this podcast, but I want you to sort of imagine that I'm there with you and that we're doing the hard work together. And I want you to grab a piece of paper and do these exercises, write down something about your house that really bugs you, and then the worst thing about that, and the worst thing about that, and the worst thing about that, and the worst thing about that, and get to that core belief. I want you to write down about your childhood. and about your parents' struggle or the fact that they were clean freaks,

or the fact that they told you you were messy all the time, or the fact that you felt bad for not being able to keep your room clean to the level that they wanted, or the fact that you were so sick of them nagging you all the time to clean that you told yourself when you're an adult, you don't have to do that anymore. How is your childhood affecting you and you're a home today? That's some heavy crap we're dealing with right now, but I promise you, I promise you that having this self-awareness is, it's so important. It's so important so you can reason with yourself, so you can be like, okay, this is really

where this fear and anxiety is coming from, and it's ridiculous, and I don't need to feel this way anymore. And finally, you can start actually breaking down those roadblocks that are in between you and living the life that you truly deserve. So thank you, guys so much for listening to this podcast. I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you guys next time.