Clutterbug - Real-Life Hacks and Tips to Declutter, Organize and Clean your Home Fast - Taking Back Control of your Life - Interview with Heather Chauvin | Clutterbug Podcast # 104

Episode Date: February 25, 2021

Do you want to take back control of your life? In this podcast I interview Heather Chauvin from the podcast "Mom is in Control" and we discuss how we both took back control by first letting go of it.��       You can find more Clutterbug content here: Website: http://www.clutterbug.me YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@clutterbug TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@clutterbug_me Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/clutterbug_me/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Clutterbug.Me/   #clutterbug #podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Clutterbugs, welcome back to the Clutterbug podcast. I am so excited to have Heather here joining us today because I wanted to talk about control. I wanted to talk about taking back control of our home and our lives and what that really looks like. And I think for me, it looked a lot like lowering my expectations and letting go of control. And so Heather actually has an amazing podcast called Mom is in Control. So I think, think that this is just something awesome that we're going to talk about today. And Heather, you're from the same town as me. So this is exciting for me. So please introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about yourself. Hi, Cass. Okay. Yes, I will never forget the day I met you at the post office in our small little town. And I was like, she's a book. Oh my gosh. I want to write a book. And then there's a big little gems in our town. You just got to find them, right? They're like in your face, but people think we're weird because we're the ones that are vlogging and podcasting. So for everyone listening, I'm Heather Showay. As Cass

said, founder of the podcast, Mom is in Control and now dying to be a good mother. Dying to be a good mother. The interesting part about control is I didn't even know that I was trying to like white knuckle control my life and my in to feeling in control of my life was parenting. Like that was the thing that cracked me open because our culture does a really good job trying to sell you this perfection, sell you know, the exact way to parent or what your children should look like or what your house should look like or how they should behave. And I bought into it because I was extremely insecure with my mothering because I came into it young and single and on government assistance

living in my mother's basement and it just really cracked me open. So the women that I support now are seeking that, whether they know it's like they know it's them. It could be their parenting. It could be a relationship. It could be their business. It's really an inner game. And I talk a lot about it on the podcast and in my coaching. But yeah, the essence of feeling in control is not just giving it all up and being like, I don't care and walk away, but this internal locus of control kind of. Yeah, for me, I mean, I think it manifested in the appearance of my house, right? So I was absolutely drowning in clutter and I looked at everyone else and I sort of cherry-picked the things that other people were good at and then beat myself up for like my mom's great at taking

care of a house and my best friend's this amazing mother and my sister's this incredible cook and I can't do anything and it was sort of like an all or nothing for me so because I couldn't I couldn't really get control of anything I felt like oh my gosh well then then why bother with anything and yeah I was drowning I thought it was like an all or nothing do you know what I'm saying oh my gosh The all or nothing is, I mean, again, I want to go back to like what we're being taught as women, right? What we're being sold to. Like, clean your house in a weekend or whatever ridiculousness of like, oh, I want to repaint. Okay, I'm going to do that all in one weekend. Like it's like all or nothing. And I still find myself there. But true success is in about these little like micro habits.

and that has been the biggest mind shift that I've had to step into in any area of my life, whether it's my mental health, physical health, my business, relationships. It's like, okay, you're going to do this action. You know that's not going to get you closer to how you want to feel. So choose this instead. But then the awkward moment is when you choose that other action, you're like, oh, that's it. That's all I have to do. I tell a story in the book, like seven years, part of the dying to be a good mother was four years ago.

I was diagnosed with a stage four cancer. And before that, I was into personal development and I was doing it all. But it was really this like burnout mentality of like trying to build the business and take care of the kids and do that all. So one of the areas of my life that I had to take back control and I'm using air quotes was of course my physical health. And after I was in recovery and I was stable, I decided to hire a personal trainer. And he told me, Heather, your 100% is the average person's 200%. You need to show up 60%. And I'm like, what?

And I was not an A student growing up. Like, I was the complete opposite. I'm the rebel. You tell me to do something. I'm going to do the complete opposite. it. So this was so weird to me that I could show up and not, I'm going to say die, but not, you know, when they're like, go hard, kill it. Like, you should have nothing left. That was actually detrimental to me. So this all or nothing, my body was like, please don't do that to me. I can't handle that.

And so I started translating that mindset into every area of my life. And I watched how everything transformed because I did less. I can so relate to that. This is like I gave myself permission to do things badly. Yes. I was like, it's okay. You can go back and make it perfect later. This is just about getting something done. And I love that you just wrote a book and you're releasing your book.

So congratulations. That's incredible. But please tell me that the, because when I was first approached and asked to write a book, I was like, I could never do that. This is crazy. I'm not a writer. I don't know where to start. this is overwhelming. What would I do? All these other books are amazing and I'm

and it was crazy. But I was like, I'm just going to, I'm just going to blab it on paper. I'm just going to write my thoughts. I'm just going to put it down. It's not perfect. And before I knew it, just committing to doing it 15 minutes a day, I had four books. So was your experience the same when it came to writing your book or just getting it out and letting go of the idea of perfection? too. Yes, and you know a little bit about my book journey because I actually had a writer help me and there was so much shame around that because growing up I had, I would say I had, I'm diagnosed learning disabilities and the amount of limiting beliefs and shame that I had around my ability to write and to write a book was enormous. And for years,

I tried every trick in the book. Like I followed all these people. I attended the workshops. I did it all. And I was like 15 minutes a day. And oh my gosh, it was physically painful. Physically painful. So I said, okay, Heather, what would you tell a client?

If you're practicing what you preach and you can do this in alignment with how you want to feel and you have to raise a family and you have to like still run your business and take care of your health and do it all, what would you do? and I'm like, I do really well co-creating with others, like, co-with like an expert or somebody who's like can really challenge me, like get me out of my own way. So I had a writer help me and instead of the 15 minutes a day, we would talk it out or interview it out. And then she would write it, come back. And I would say, this doesn't feel good or this. So I really collaborated with somebody and that also held me accountable to a deadline. But it took me a while to even get my business to a point

where I could financially support that. So it was like all the things that led up and built up to that, there was so much resistance. And I truly just had to find like the system that work for me. And it didn't matter how much I paid an expert to tell me their system, their blueprint. I had to work through my own resistance to get to where I. wanted to be. I'm honestly really surprised to just hear you say that you are a writer. It doesn't mean pen to paper. Like listening to your podcast, you're brilliant. And the words coming out of your mouth, that is writing to me. If that makes sense, right? Like you, it doesn't matter if somebody else put your words to pen and paper. You are a writer. And so we do. We have these,

we have these limiting beliefs about ourselves. Sometimes it's really hard to see. our own strengths when it's so obvious to other people. So, yeah. It's like I just process. Like I'm a verbal processor. So I could, I would verbally, she'd be like, tell me the story. If I tried to write it, I would just freeze. She's like, just send me an audio.

You know, you do the audio, you transcribe the audio. You're like, it's the exact same thing you would write on. It's the exact same thing. I know. But you, so you are writing. You're just not putting pen to paper. Isn't that funny the stories we tell ourselves? It is funny.

And I think everybody listening at home is telling themselves a story too. And I've had, oh, I mean, I'm working with clients right now into their home dealing with massive, massive amounts of clutter. And they'll say to me, I can't get rid of anything. I'm really bad at decluttering. I'm terrible. I can't let anything go. And I walk into their home and I'll hold something up and I'll be, what about this? And they're like, oh, no, I'm not using that.

That can go. But they never did it. because of this story, like they don't have a problem. They don't struggle. It's this story that they're telling themselves. And they just needed someone outside to show them, to hold up a mirror to them and say, this is a lie that you're telling yourself and you got this. Yeah.

And it never goes away. New level, new devil. Like new learning, new everything. It never goes away. I think you just get, you begin to see how your brain is telling you these lies, how you're telling yourself these stories. And I've surrendered, and I'm sure you have over the time of like being open to saying, okay, I don't know the answer to this.

Who can solve the problem for me? Let's go. Let's make it happen. And I just think the more you surrender to that and be like, I don't, I don't even need to, this is so overwhelming for me. I don't know where to start. okay, ask for help. I used to do that all the time. I had my friend come over and she would, she loved cleaning and declattering and I would just sit there and she'd be like, what about this?

What about this? What about this? And I'm like, I can't believe I'm actually paying you to like sit here and go through my shit. And she's like, I love this. And we got it done. I love it too. You're a coach too. I mean, you do so many things, but you're a coach too. And I just started, I guess, coaching. It seems weird. Is it coaching? Yes, it is coaching. I'm helping people declutter virtually and organize virtually, but it's never about the stuff.

I really am finding, like, organically, that my job is just to hold up a mirror to them and project back all the good things that they are and all the amazing things they can do and give them that, just point out, you know, you're struggling with this, but this isn't your real struggle. let's just break it down and make it easy. And yeah, I assume that's what all, is that what you do too? Is this your job just to hold up that mirror to people? Yeah, over the year. So my background is actually in social work.

And then I went into, so I was kind of into therapy. And I wanted to transition out of that because there was like, are we going to focus on the problem? Are we going to focus on the solution? And so when I went online and I started talking about it. about this, I thought, okay, this is a whole new, you know, a whole new set of tools, a whole new way of seeing the world. And it is. It truly is about reminding people. Like, you know, you know how you want to feel, right? I always say to people, they're like, I don't know what I want. Like, you do because you know what you, you know what you don't, how you don't want to feel. What's the opposite of that?

And so maybe you've just never had it before and you don't believe that it's possible. So you're putting a roadblock in the way. But I truly believe as it doesn't matter who you are, a coach, a friend, a therapist, a sister, like a mother, who cares? You're a human being. When we all can step into this like life-giving energy, this like the nearing, showing possibility to other people and whatever modality you choose, this is how we're going to change the world. This is how things get better when you better, not bitter, better. When you have like a room full of women who are like, I see, I see what you can't see. You're getting in your own way and we're all here to lift each other up. And that's how not only

am I working with my clients in that capacity, but also how I've shifted my parenting. right instead of doing for my children and being like oh my gosh i got to do this from a place of fear or guilt i'm going to say i see you're having a really difficult time and i know you are capable of doing this let's try it together or you try it yeah express your big emotions but i'm i'm going to continue to believe in you and i'm going to show you the way you got to do the work you have to show up and it's the same thing as being a boss. It's the same thing as being a friend. It's really about how you lead your life. I love that. Yeah, you know that I'm gone from my children right now and it's been over two weeks. And I mean, I thought that I was giving my kids independence, but now that my

husband's completely in control, it's a whole new ball game. My kids are making dinner every night. They're the ones cleaning the whole house. He's like, I need your help guys. I need your help. Can you make dinner and they're just completely start to finish doing their own where I am in there and helping and guiding and taking away their confidence, taking away their ability to succeed because I'm so afraid they might fail. And I don't want them to feel bad about failing so I'm not letting them succeed. And so this has been eye-opening for me as a parent. It really has because my husband's not sort of micromanaging them. And I never thought that I was micromanaging them. But seeing how they're thriving without me there is going to change how I'm parenting when we get

back together. And it changes your definition of like, who am I in this family? Like, how do I show up? And you get energy back. You get time back. And sometimes it's like, like I know as my children go into new developmental phases, I'm like, oh, crap, now I need to change and pivot. But something that you're saying as well is removing yourself from your environment. you're able to like see it from afar. And I think especially the last year, I've spent a lot of time in my house, not leaving, and you don't know when you're in it.

So when you remove yourself, you're like, oh, I can see it now, how this clutter or was making me feel this way or this or that. And, you know, we're experiencing the contrast of that. But yeah, you can't see it when you're in it. No, you can't. And I think my expectation of what a good mother was was somebody who's doing everything. My expectation of what a good homemaker was was someone who was like everything was tidy and everything was all.

Like I was putting so much pressure on myself in so many ways that it was detrimental to my actual outcome. Right? I was getting the opposite. I was trying to control everything. I'm still, I'm still trying to. I have to let go. I'm learning to let go because it is in those moments where I give myself permission to do things badly, that things always turn out so much better than I ever

could have hoped. Just taking that pressure off myself allows me to really be grounded and realize what I really want because my brain isn't spinning a million miles an hour. So, yeah, so tell us about the book and where people can find it and when it comes out. Yeah, so the book can be found anywhere books are sold online, Dying to Be a Good Mother. The official launch date is March 8th, and we have beautiful pre-orders. But if you go to Dying to Be a Goodmother.com, we also have a 27-page workbook that you can download for free, and then it will take you to the book page. So we have all the links of where you can purchase. And I will be doing a lot of virtual book clubs and things like that over the year. So yeah, it's really about, you know, people always ask, like, dying to be a good mother,

what's the essence of that? And it's a prescriptive memoir. So I'm talking about my journey through cancer, but also mothering and how I truly believe that our children's behavior is a language. It's not here to drive us crazy. It's here to wake us up. And dying to be good is really about, you know, this conversation of how we're cutting off parts of ourselves or, expectations that we're putting on ourselves to be good in the world when really it's dropping the expectation and saying who do I want to be and how do I want to feel and when you start stepping into that you're like oh wow this is how things get easier this is how the alignment happens it's incredibly uncomfortable to do that we're not taught to feel our feelings or how to process

them so I explain that in the book as well and I really just want women to know they're not alone, but also, you know, have a really good read, but don't feel like they're failing while they're reading the book. We all have those parenting books that are like, okay, you're in the moment, you're like, what was that strategy on page 200? crap, I don't remember. So I want you to feel in control of your life on your own terms. I love that. Yeah, parenting books intimidate me. They really do. So they're, yeah, it's, It's more expectations, it's more pressure, it's more of the things I don't want, a lot of the time. Exactly, exactly.

I made to point out all the other things I didn't know I was doing badly, and now I'm being suffocated even more. So I love that. I just love your approach to life, and your podcast is incredible. It's mom is in control. You can find it anywhere that you listen to a podcast. So I recommend everyone listening go and subscribe and follow your podcast because it's just, you're amazing. Thank you so much for being here with me. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Thanks. We'll see you soon.