Clutterbug - Real-Life Hacks and Tips to Declutter, Organize and Clean your Home Fast - THE 5 REAL Reasons You're Drowning in Clutter | Clutterbug Episode #337

Episode Date: August 3, 2026

If you've been decluttering for years and you're STILL drowning in clutter, you're not lazy—you're lying to yourself. After 17 years as a professional organizer, I've learned that your messy house isn't the problem. It's just a symptom of something deeper you haven't identified yet. In this episode, I'm revealing the 5 REAL reasons people can't let go of their stuff—and spoiler alert: it has nothing to do with not having enough time, space, or help. Those are just excuses covering up the truth. Until you can name your root cause, you'll keep decluttering the same stuff over and over again. We're not weeding the garden anymore—we're ripping out the roots. Plus, a rant about ticks and Lyme disease, because I found one in my scalp mid-recording and now I'm convinced I'm dying. This episode goes DEEP. I want you to do something mindless while you listen—vacuum, dust, fold laundry—because I need you to actually HEAR this message. Stop making excuses. Let's figure out what's really going on so you can finally move forward. Want to get organized? Learn 6-Step The Clutterbug Method: https://clutterbug.thinkific.com/courses/Clutterbug-Method You can find more Clutterbug content here: Main YouTube Channel: @Clutterbug Website: http://www.clutterbug.me TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@clutterbug_me Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/clutterbug_me/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Clutterbug.Me/ #clutterbug #podcast #declutterwithme #guiltygear #homeorganization Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Stop decluttering. Seriously, put down the donation box, even put down the trash bag. I know this sounds crazy because I've been telling you to declutter for so long, but I want you to stop today. And here's why. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while and you are still feeling like you're drowning in clutter, listen, you are not feeling stuck for the reasons you think you are. In fact, the reality is it's not that you're lazy. It's not that you don't have enough help. It isn't that you don't have enough money or your space is too small, the real reason might surprise you. You're lying to yourself. And this isn't coming from even a conscious place. And it isn't malicious. You're not being a bully. You just don't know the real reason. So you're making up all these excuses of why it's

hard or why you can't get started or why it's taking so long or why you have the clutter in the first place. You might say you don't have time to tackle the mess. But the real reason is, You're burnt out and overwhelmed. You might be saying, I don't know where to start. It's like all too much. But the truth is, you are paralyzed by fear. You have this perfectionist mindset. You are terrified to make a mistake. You're not going to stop making excuses until you know what's really going on, like why you're struggling in the first place. And that's what we're talking about today, the five reasons why you have clutter. And when you know when you can identify the root of your issue, that's how we rip it out. We're over here trying to weed the garden, but we're leaving the

roots. It's why it feels like decluttering is never ending. Today, we're going to stop once and for all. And I know at the beginning, I told you absolutely, we're not decluttering. And the reason is, I don't want you to be distracted from what I'm actually saying. I want you to do something mindless that takes absolutely none of your mental capacity, like cleaning a toilet or making a bed or vacuuming, really want you to hear the message today and have it sink in. If you really truly want to declutter, I am definitely not going to stop you because, you know, I had to start with the extreme. Of course, I still want you to let things go. But I am hoping today we can focus on you, what's going on in your life and in your brain and in your past that is actually manifesting as a messy house.

Because when we can get to the root of that, that's when you can see really. real and lasting progress. So clean something. Guys, catch up on your dishes. Put away a load of laundry, vacuum, dust. When's the last time you did your windows? Maybe today's the day. The five reasons people actually have clutter and a messy home are overwhelm, fear, the fantasy self, loss, and learned behavior. Hey, clutterbugs, welcome back to the Clutterbug podcast. If you're new here, this podcast is all about getting your home and your life under control. I'm a professional organizer and I've been helping people for 17 years. I've actually helped millions of people all over the world get a handle on their home. But on this podcast, we're going a bit deeper

and we're tackling all the clutter in our lives. We're getting our life organized. So I'm so glad to have you here as part of this journey. We are leveling up together. So buckle up. because today's podcast is going to be so good. What I've realized over the past 17 years helping people declutter is that the mess and the clutter is just a symptom of something else going on. And it's the symptom we see, right? And it feels like, oh, everything's out of control or things are messy or it can't stay organized. I have to fix that. But that's just one thing that's manifesting. We have to fix the reason we're messy and cluttered in the first place. And today we're going to start with a big one, which is overwhelm and specifically being burnt out. I wanted to

start with overwhelm because I feel like this one can actually be really tricky. When you are burnt out or you have been in the past, it doesn't mean every day is feeling super stressful and you have a million things on your to-do list or you're feeling rushed. It can be like this lingering overwhelm. It can be a burn, like you were burnt out even years ago and you've never, never actually recovered. You are stuck in this, it's a physical and emotional and mental phase of just like stalled. I don't know how else to describe it. You are like stuck and stalled because your tank is literally empty. Even if you haven't been running full throttle today or even yesterday or even last week, your tank can still be empty. All right. So let's talk about some examples of how

you can be in this state. Postpartum is number one hands down. You had a baby. You were sleep deprived. Even if you're getting a good night's sleep now, that overwhelm and that burnout lingers. Maybe you've had a big life change, like you lost a job or had to start a new job, or you've moved, and that was a huge undertaking. Maybe you had to deal with illness, either your own or loved ones. You were taking care of a family member. Maybe you just had something really crappy happen. Like I had recently where the roof blew off and it was leaking in your house and then your air conditioner broke and you just had like a string of bad luck that overwhelmed you or you got busy at work and you had to do multiple work trips or had a huge deadline that took everything out of you and even though you feel like you

should have moved past that those feelings of overwhelmed like it drained you and it takes a long time and it takes certain techniques to refill your tank and we can't not mention COVID. That was such a stressful insane time and it can still have lingering effects too. When you're in survival mode, this is where the clutter piles up. You are just getting through your day. You are either busy or emotionally so taxed that it's like you're just focusing on eating and showering and being alive. And the result is your house can get wrecked fast. This is something that I deal with quite often. I think my ADHD energy sometimes has me like hyper-focusing and pushing too hard and and I sign up for everything. So I'm running a business working full time and then I'm like,

you know what? I'll also be a firefighter and go to firefighter school. Now I'm doing firefighting and I'm going to volunteer for the soup kitchen. Now I'm going to run their social media because I have time. I started a charity for my stepfather who passed away. I have three kids who are involved in activities. My mom is now a widow and I'm trying to see her. Like it's like, What the heck are you doing, Cass? And so all of this very often can manifest as like burnout and absolute overwhelm. And how do I know when I'm there? Suddenly things that usually make me happy and excited don't. And I feel this crushing fatigue. Even if I spend all day like sleeping and resting in bed, it doesn't rejuvenate me because it isn't just a physical tired, though it is also a physical tired.

It is an emotional and mental exhaustion. And it's very hard to recognize in yourself. So if you're listening to this and you're thinking back, even if you had something five years ago, six years ago, 10 years ago, let me tell you, having Milo, he was colicky, my third child, I was broken for like five whole years before I even knew what was happening. That kid, that kid didn't just burn me out. He made me, I was burnt to a crisp.

The point is we can be living with it for so long we stop recognizing it or we don't even know what to call it. And I want you to think of your own life right now. I want you to think back and just do an assessment. Are you just freaking bone tired, man? Are you feeling like I don't want even one more thing? Have you lost the zest and the excitement and that like motivation for more? That is a telltale sign that you are overwhelmed. I think sometimes a messy house is like the first manifestation of this overwhelm. And you can do two things when it comes to the mess. You can see it and that even makes you feel more overwhelmed. Like you're like so stressed by looking at the mess and it's consuming your thoughts. You're like, oh, I got to deal with this. Oh my gosh. Or you can literally become clutter blind. It's this protection. Like you're already so stressed and overwhelmed. You're kind of ignoring the mess. And you almost don't even see.

see it, except when people coming over, then suddenly it's very, very visible. But on a day-to-day basis, it's really hard to even recognize that because of the state you're in. For me, I had to go to therapy to learn how to deal with my overwhelm and my burnout, and it looked like a lot of no. It looked like me saying no way more often than I wanted to, and probably maybe sometimes even should have. And as a people pleaser, this was really tough. But I stopped going to baby showers that I really didn't want to go to. And I was just going to go out of obligation because I don't even really like that cousin and whatever. And I didn't give an excuse either.

I didn't like make up a lie. Like my grandmother died. Oh, yeah, we have the same grandma. No, it was just like, no, I can't go. I stopped. I told Joe, like, I'm not grocery shopping anymore. I can't. I need things off my plate.

I started delegating. It was like we can either order DoorDash or you can take care of dinners. No judgment. Either way is fine. I can't. I'm saying no to this. I'm saying no to putting away my kids laundry. You're doing your own laundry or you don't have clean clothes. I had to have boundaries on my time and on my energy. And it took a long time to rebuild. This isn't you just going away for a weekend and having a nap, though I think that that's also a really good way to look at it. This is about you actively

for like at least 30 days, one month, saying no. to external pressures and more work and just chilling. Now, what doesn't recharge your battery is social media? Because, again, it's like dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. That's the other thing I had to do was get quiet. And it sucked. I am not a person who likes to sit still. I will not and will never meditate.

But sitting and reading a book outside, just laying outside and having a nap on a blanket under a tree, that is going to recharge your battery more than you watching a movie or mindlessly scrolling. That's not going to do it. We literally have to get quiet. It's almost like we have to heal our brain. And in order to do that, we need to not stimulate it as much as I love stimulation. So all the excuses that you're making about the mess, like, I don't have time. Well, we do have time. You just don't want to make the time for that. Or you're just feeling so exhausted. Yeah, are feeling so exhausted. I mean, it's not that your excuses aren't valid. They're just not helpful.

And you can't declutter properly if you haven't healed the overwhelm first. Like, you have to rest. And this is counterintuitive to this entire podcast where I'm like, let's go. Let's be productive. But the reality is if you, my friend, are burnt out, you have to heal first. You have a wound. We're putting a band-aid on it. Which means, let's start for just seven days, you're going to have boundaries, you're going to have nose, and you're going to have active rest that is not a screen. Active rest where it's boring and quiet and you're just like, if you have ADHD like me, it is your worst nightmare. But it is medicine. It is medicine so you can come back a person who's excited and energized and healed and ready to actually tackle

all the things you want to tackle. And I'm going to be so. real. Okay. So, oh, this feels gross. I'm going to be, I'm going to be so honest with you. I come from a place of privilege now. So my life is different now. My business is doing well. There are times where I rent an Airbnb down the street for one night or two nights and I do not sign into the Wi-Fi. And I just have nothing but a book and maybe I can look out a window or go for a walk. It is unpleasant. But I leave there feeling like a brand new person. And I don't do this all the time. And I feel like the first few times I'm like, this is so selfish. I'm leaving my family and blah. It is, I can't pour from an empty cup and neither can you. So maybe you can't rent an Airbnb for a night or a weekend. But can you

take a retreat from your life anyways? You're not making dinner. You're not cooking. You're not worrying. You're certainly not going to that freaking baby shower. You are cutting yourself off from social media as hard as it is. Oh, guys, listen, I know it's so, so hard. And you're going to be bored. Maybe just start for one afternoon. This is how we heal. This was actually brought up to me, like my therapist recommended this. I have a therapist that deals specifically with ADHD and just explained the science behind what's happening, like me constantly searching for dopamine, but me always being stimulated doesn't give my brain a chance to like turn off and actually recover. And so understanding the science behind it was very helpful. And they were like, you got to

go be bored. And it was actually, they recommended I went to a silent retreat. So a silent retreat, which I did not do because, hello, no. A silent retreat is where you go and you're not allowed to speak. You need to eat in silence. And you basically just sit on a pillow. and can't talk to anyone and can't even read a book. That's too far. Okay. I said hard no to that. But what I did do was decided I took my phone and I took my tablet. I gave it to Joe and I was like, I'm only allowed to read this weekend, you know, and I love reading. But it was very hard to not check my phone. At the end of the weekend, I felt so much better. I recognize this overwhelm in other people now constantly in clients. Nicole was a great example.

She had just had her third baby. Yes, she called me because she had a messy house, but that was just a symptom. She was over freaking overwhelmed. And she needed to ask for help. She needed to take a break. She had to have other people take her children for a weekend. She had to say, I'm not cooking for an entire week and we're eating off paper plates. She had to cheat and not worry about laundry and just shove it into bins.

She had to take a break from her life and not a vacation. that's stimulating. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's like, I can't wait to go on vacation. Vacations are not relaxing, 99.9% of the time. You're going on excursions. They are stressful. You're planning. You're packing. You're like, I want to cram so much fun. We are not having fun. That does not heal overwhelm. We are being bored. That's the difference. And I want you to really hear this, whether you are going to practice being bored for an hour or a weekend or an afternoon or an entire seven days. This is how you can heal. We're not worried about your home. That's just a symptom. When you are better, your house will look and become better. Stop telling yourself you don't have time

and start telling yourself the truth. I'm overwhelmed and I need help. The second reason that people really struggle with clutter is fear. And this can show up like perfectionism, but it can also show up maybe as shame or avoidance. So you've heard of that like fight or flight response. You're either like, ah, you're like, I'm going to control everything. Or it's like, I'm going to avoid it all and pretend it doesn't exist. And then that starts the shame spiral. That's really the two responses that we have to fear. And it's not like a fear like you think, I don't know, a scary clown is going to pop out of your horde of clutter. It is fear of making a mistake, fear of regret. Fear of wasting money, fear of like disappointing someone, fear of not actually succeeding.

Right. Fear is is such a strong and crippling emotion that manifests in clutter and in mess. And we lie to ourselves all the time. This is the lie that comes if you're really struggling with fear. It's I don't know how to get started. I don't know the best way to get started. I want to wait. until I can have the perfect solution. I'm going to look for step-by-step instructions. All of these excuses are just soothing the fear so we don't have to get started in case we fail in case we make a mistake. So we feel all those horrible things. We're just avoiding that with these excuses. I noticed a trend years ago when working with clients, the people with the messiest homes had these perfectionist traits. And at first,

I thought that that was so odd, right? Like, how is your house like the opposite of perfect in every way? And yet you are such a perfectionist. And if you said something to them, they'd be like, no, no, no, I'm not a perfectionist. And yet they wanted to do everything perfectly, the right way. And I didn't know scientifically, like, where's this correlation? I just knew what I was seeing over and over again. But they did a study in 2020 that showed that direct correlation between people who were hoarders who had hoarding tendencies and perfectionism, that those went hand in hand, that in fact perfectionism is like one of the leading causes of this hoarding disorder. People say, oh, it's a mental health disorder. I think a lot of it is

actually anxiety disorder. And anxiety and fear are the same thing, right? You feel anxiety because you're afraid. You're afraid of, again, making a mistake, doing something. wrong, disappointing someone, feeling shame, all of those things. It's just anxiety. And perfectionism should scare you, guys. Yes, it comes from fear, but it should scare you because it leads to hoarding, it leads to isolation. It leads to other kind of mental health issues. We think of perfectionism as like a good thing for some reason, but studies are showing it's actually really, detrimental to our mental health and our physical health and our physical space. One of the most common excuses that I hear, especially like coming from the perfectionism,

is I don't know how or where to start. Like I want a step by step plan. I don't want to do it the wrong way and waste my time. There are a million methods. There's the Conmarie method. There's the clutterbug method. There's a space maker method. It isn't that you don't actually know what to do. We know. We start with track. that's not what's really happening here. You are literally paralyzed by the idea of doing it wrong or what if it doesn't succeed? What if you try and it doesn't work out? And then you're a failure. And so our brain does this thing to protect us when we're feeling fear and anxiety. It soothes us with these lies, with these lies of like, well, you'll do it when you have a whole

week off in the summer. You'll do it in the future when you can have more help. You just need a little bit more research. You just need to make a plan. You just need to wait until you get that bonus from work so you can buy that dream box and then you'll get your craft supplies organized. We either try to control the situation in like insane ways by I have to do everything right and perfect or we avoid and make excuses to soothe ourselves like we'll do it in the future. Both of these are excuses that come that sort of mask the real issue. which is fear, crippling, crippling fear of doing it wrong. You want to know how you overcome this?

You're not going to like it, but I'm going to tell you. Hold on to your butts, okay? The only way to truly deal with fear is to face it. It's called exposure therapy, and it works, and I am not a therapist. I am not close to a therapist. But I do know what works in this case because I have helped so many clients overcome their own fear and perfectionism. And they do that by practicing, sucking on purpose, doing it shitty. I'm writing a whole book on this because over 17 years, I have helped hundreds

and hundreds and hundreds of people who are dealing with mess. And the reality is, I don't even help them with the mess. I will go into their home and I will say, your homework is, you're not allowed to fold your underwear. Your homework is you can only eat on paper plates this week. Your homework is, I want you to like take that thing that you've sorted into nice little piles and dump it on a bucket and call it like stuff. Put a label that's saying stuff. I want you to stop filing your paperwork and throw it in a bin labeled bills 2026. Every time I challenge people to do this and it's always something different, I met with like shock and horror. Like it is so scary to them, but we are starting small. We're dipping our toe in the shitty water. We are

practicing failing so that it isn't terrifying anymore. We are exposing ourselves to the act of not being perfect so we can see that it isn't actually scary. And in 99.9% of the cases, life actually gets better. We get more done. We feel more confident. Things improve when we take shortcuts and we cheat and we don't do things the right way anymore. And this is how we overcome it. And I know it feels counterintuitive and I know it's scary. It's supposed to. You're supposed to feel anxiety. You're supposed to feel a little sick to your stomach. It's supposed to feel wrong. And that's how you know you're doing it right. So we practice by putting things in the trash. We practice by taking little shortcuts. We practice by half-assing life, a little tiny bit.

And I promise you that feeling of fear and perfectionism will lessen. And before you know it, you're no longer going to be struggling with a messy home. And here's the thing that so many people when they hear this message get wrong. They will say, well, why would I do that when I could just do it right? Like, why would I do it shitty when I could just do it the right way or do it perfectly? If you are capable of doing it perfectly and staying on top of it, please, please, keep doing it. Like don't wreck what isn't broken. But if you have piles of laundry all over your house, clean laundry,

stop lying that you're going to put it away perfectly and fold it tomorrow and just shove it away. This also doesn't mean you're going to take these shortcuts for the rest of your life. This is so you can prove to yourself that it's not a big deal. This is so you can actually identify what is worth your time and what isn't. What? If you're like using paper plates for a week and it's making you cringe and you're like, actually, I really don't mind doing dishes and that doesn't seem like a big deal, guess what? You've won it life because now you're going to actually be motivated to do the dishes and not put them off. But maybe this is something for you that's like, oh yeah, this has been like, I can breathe.

And now I have energy to do other things that I've been procrastinating. The only way to find out, I call it your minimum effort threshold. The only way to find out how much effort and how perfect and how right you should do something, that's what feels right for you, is to lower the bar to the floor. That's what you got to do. You have to overcome the fear and the perfectionism that is holding you back from being the best version of yourself. You have to practice sucking, period. It's not forever, but it is to get you over the hump.

quickly, a few things if you are struggling with this perfectionism. And listen, so many times I say this to clients, like, I'm not a perfectionist. Look at my house. I'm going to tell you right now, do you fold your underwear? Can you just take your underwear and throw it in a bin? If the answer is, I couldn't possibly. You might be a perfectionist. So that's a place to start. I want you to practice. And you can practice either by doing something small, like throwing out something that perhaps is Donatable, not folding your underwear, or you can set a timer and only do something for like five minutes. You can't fail at five minutes, right? You don't have to be finished. You only have to go for five minutes. So that's another way to help you overcome that paralysis that comes from fear.

Stop making excuses and realize you just need to expose yourself. That's what's really happening here. The next reason we're going to talk about is your fantasy self. This is actually, it feels like a positive thing, okay? This is hope. This is like optimism for your future self. And I am so guilty of this because it feels like all we have to do is buy the supplies and that will get us started. Like we want to level up.

We want to be a person who's well read. We want to be a person who, so we buy all the books. We want to be a person who crafts. I want to make stained glass. So we buy all the stained glass supplies. I want to be a homesteader. So now I have sourdough bread making recipe books and aprons. And I got like the bins for the rising.

And I got all the tools. And I have a sourdough starter on my counter. The point is we want more for ourselves. And we get excited about the possibility. of change and new hobbies and new us. And that very often translates to purchasing, not action. So we think we can buy our way there, whether it's the workout clothes and the shoes and the treadmill

so we can be buff, you know, or it's the clothes like the new, we want to be fashionistas and we want to look put together. So we buy a bunch of clothes. The home shopping network, that whole channel, is designed to like monopolize on people's hope. It is designed 100% to like trick people into buying things with like, this will change your life.

This will make you look this. This will be so great. Oh, you can buy this and everyone will think you're so amazing. They lie to us. And before you know it, our house is filled with these unkept promises, with all these little pieces of hope. And why this is like so hard. and stressful is because every time we see them, now we're reminded of our failure of how we're not

using it. We should be making stained glass. I should be better at sourdough. Why am I burning every single loaf and why are they not rising? I should be a person who looks fabulous. I bought all these clothes and yet they're not comfortable and I'm wearing jogging pants. Every time we look at these unkept promises to ourselves, it feels like how could we possibly get rid of? of it because it's admitting defeat. It's admitting that we'll never be that person. When the reality is we have filled our home with all of these promises to the point where it's impossible for us to be that person because we're so busy managing the mess. We are so busy stuff shuffling and managing the hope that there's no room in our lives, not mentally, not

not physically, to actually move forward. If you remember an interview that I recently had with Dr. Guy Wynch, he said when a physical object makes us feel shame, the person who's feeling shame actually will guess their weight to be much heavier than it actually is. Like, we feel heavier to the point where we like think we weigh more than we actually do. Is that not bonkers? It is. It's manifesting the shame that we feel. When we look at things, we're like, I should use this and I should be doing this and I shouldn't have bought that. Oh, I'm wasting that. All of that is making us feel physically drained and heavy and exhausted.

So we're not, of course, able to actually be our best selves because the stuff we bought to be our best self is the roadblock. So how do I deal with this? I trick myself with another lie. Not the lie I'm going to use this one day or I'm actually going to be this person. This is the lie I've been telling myself, no, no, a new lie, which is I'm going to be an amazing person that's gifting other people. So now I'm at the soup shack and I'm volunteering at a soup kitchen. And every time I'm really dumb and I buy myself some new clothes that I think is going to

make me look snatched and then I put it on and I realize, oh, you look terrible in this and you'll never actually leave the house. I'm like, I'm going to donate this to the soup kitchen and these clothes are going to help people. I'm going to donate all those craft supplies. I said I was going to to the retirement residence at the end of the corner. And that's where I bring them. And I get to tell myself I'm helping other people. I am a person who is sharing and gifting and helping others.

And that makes me feel so good about myself the same way that I wanted the stuff to make me feel. like sharing the stuff makes me feel that way. I mean, it's not a lie. I am doing good, but I build it up in my brain probably bigger than it is. You know, even if I'm taking something to goodwill, I always envision a single mom. I've been doing this for years, a single mom with her two kids in tow. She can't afford to go to even Walmart. And she's so excited by the things that I've donated. And so I tell myself that this is truly such a good person thing to do. Like, I am a better person for sharing. And this is the best use of this items. And it is absolutely helpful. Because the reason the fantasy in the first place is to make ourselves feel better so that we're proud of ourselves.

At the end of the day, that is it. We want to be proud of ourselves. Period. So we're trying to by pride. And if we can find another way to feel proud of ourselves, the stuff no longer is needed. So volunteer or donate or something. What is going to make you feel proud that is not stuff related? And that's going to heal that whole. The lie you've been telling yourself is that you're going to use this one day. The truth is this stuff isn't you. And that's okay. This next reason, it sucks. There's no way of sugar-coding it. It's loss.

And this can be loss of a loved one. It can be like this big, heavy loss, like divorce. It can be even a smaller loss, like losing a job. Loss causes people psychologically to want to hold on. It is this response of, I don't want to lose anything else. I want to have control. I want to kind of not necessarily whore, hoard, but hold on. I see this with people who have had a fire. Even as a child, when they lost

things as a child, as an adult, it's ridiculously hard to let go. I see this with people who have gotten divorced, so they've had to split up half of their things, right? You have to give one spouse and now it's like, I don't ever want anyone to take anything from me ever again, including myself. With a loved one, a loss of a loved one, it's not just hard to let go of the items that are sentimental that remind you of that loved one, it can be hard to let go of anything because it feels similar. It feels like losing. And when you've lost in a way that like crushed you, losing anything after that can feel so painful that we avoid it. And somewhere in our brain, it can be like that pile of clutter or that old male or the things, the chipped mug. Obviously, that isn't

the same as losing a loved one or losing your house or having a flood where everything in your basement was destroyed. And yet, something in our brain makes us feel that same ping of pain. And the only way to overcome that is to recognize the difference, is to actually understand what's going on. If you have someone in your life who passed away, the physical stuff is not them. And letting go of the physical things that were theirs that you're not using and loving is not losing them all over again. In fact, we are sharing their things with other people who will actually use them. That's how we honor our loved ones. But even outside of that, if you've had lost like as a child, a fire, or my sister, I'm going to throw her into the bus here, she had

a childhood where she was removed to a different province, left everything she had behind, really grew up with very, very little, knowing that it was all kind of taken from her against her will. She struggles with everything to this day. Making that connection and that correlation is so critical to healing. It's realizing why we're feeling the fear and the pain and the and the and the this crippling sadness when it comes to letting go. It has nothing to do with the stuff. It has to do with this other incident. And when we can separate those two, that's when we can really heal. There's been studies that have shown that people with severe hoarding tendencies, 50% of those people had a traumatic loss in their life. And that feeling of loss is what's having them hold on

to everything. Some people are even holding on to their own bodily fluids. It can go to that extreme. And there's two ways to really look at this. We can just give yourself a chance to heal and grieve. And just like heal by, I want to say, getting over the grief. But the other side is you may never get over the grief. sure, it will hurt less. And absolutely, like I feel in my own grief, I've lost my stepdad, and it comes in waves. And there'll be times where I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm over it. And then there's times where I just start bawling for absolutely no reason. And I'm pretty sure that will be for the rest of my life.

So I can't wait until I'm no longer missing him. I have to compartmentalize. I have to realize, like, I can be sad and be upset about this. loss and also realize that my physical belongings holding on to them is not making this better. It isn't. They're actually not connected at all. It's just my brain is making that dumb butt connection. And when I can realize the difference, when I can realize like I am sad about that or I've

had this devastating loss and it's horrible and I'm grieving this while also realizing that this is actually not connected, I only think it's connected. There are grief support groups that are helpful. I think therapy is absolutely helpful. I think focusing on positive memories, especially of a loved one, is so, so helpful. And I want you to try all of those things. And I also want you to have the self-awareness. If you are struggling with stuff and the idea of letting go feels like, oh, this is so hard. I want to be. I want to I want you to just look back and see if it's tied to loss. If there's any loss in your life that might be influencing your ability to let go.

And again, we're not just talking about loss of a loved one. Though if you have had a loss of a loved one, is that also why it's hard to get rid of that extra spatula that you don't like, right? Like I know this sounds bonkers. We're not just talking about their belongings or the sentimental things. we've had a loss, everything feels hard. And when we can evaluate that and recognize that and have this self-awareness, we can see that they're different. I can still be grieving this loss, but I don't need this extra spatula. It only feels hard because of the grief. And the last reason

why you might be struggling is learned behavior. I feel like this one is, this one's like so subtle and overlooked because you don't know what you don't know. If you were raised a certain way, and that's all you have ever known and your family does this, this could just feel like, yeah, this is normal. Like, this is the way we're supposed to do things. And you're not actually questioning it because you don't even know what to question. Here's an example. My husband grew up in a very frugal household, like washing out the Ziploc bags frugal and drying them kind of frugal. Like saving every single pickle jar, uh, margarine container, but not filling it with anything, just putting them in the basement, stacking them up. Uh, this, he grew up like this.

So when we got together, suddenly every scrap of every, like every piece, every, every piece of what I would see as absolute garbage for him. He was like, no, you don't, you don't throw things out. You save it. You save it. You save it. And very quickly, our house started filling up, not just with my stuff. I was definitely filling it with fantasy and other things, but he was filling it with useful question mark things because of this learned behavior. So if you grew up with a family, especially if you have farming family, this is a big one, everything gets reused, right? Or maybe you had grandparents who grew up in the depression. We do not waste anything and then your parents were raised that way and now you were raised that way.

It can feel very normal. You don't know. You don't declutter. Like think about it as a child. I'm thinking about my own parents. I have zero recollection of my parents ever decluttering anything. If a vacuum broke, we fixed it. And if it was beyond repair, we put it in the garage because that's what we did. And it just sat there. Except we live differently now. We live in a society where Amazon comes the next day, where things are cheap and where it's so easy to acquire, we are as a generation, we have, I think it was like 400 times more things coming into our home than any other generation before us. So if we're learning to live like they did, where everything is saved, where it's wrong to be wasteful, where we keep every scrap, and yet we are buying like today,

of course we have so much clutter. So Joe learned to be very, very frugal when it comes to like not wasting anything. But there's another type of learned behavior too, and that is like learning that messy is normal. Dawn from the minimal mom, she's a good friend of mine. She told me about her childhood growing up where they would just take all the dishes for the entire week and just pile them in the bathtub. Like they didn't wash dishes every day. Even though she had a big family, they would just like have, they would do dishes one day a week. And they would be so stacked that no one could use the shower because all the dishes would be in there.

And she grew up that that was normal. They didn't do laundry till no one had underwear left, you know, till it was like they didn't clean or do anything until maybe company was coming over. If you grew up in a home where your parents were messy and didn't have basic housekeeping skills that they taught you or that you observed, of course you don't know any different. How could you? I think the lie you're telling yourself when it's the learned behavior is that this is normal. And I think it is a lie because you are not happy. It's not your normal. It isn't actually the way you want to live. You just think you're supposed to. And that's why it's a lie because it feels wrong. You know, like in your heart, it's a wrongness. If you are living in a messy house and it doesn't feel wrong and you don't mind, why would you change? I'm not telling you you have to change. You are listening to this podcast because you want to change because you don't want to change because you don't want to. to live like this anymore because you know it's not your normal, even though you were raised that it was normal. So let me know in the comments if any of these really resonated with you.

Like, is there a lie you're telling yourself? Is there one of these that are your root reasons? Like overwhelm, fear, loss, fantasy, or learned behavior? Or maybe it's a combination. Let me know in the comments below which one really resonates with you. And also, I want you to think about really feel like, is it helpful just knowing? Is it helpful having that root identified? We don't always have to know exactly how to fix it.

I think recognizing it is absolutely the first and biggest step to real change. I have to take a second to thank today's podcast sponsor, Carraway. I switched to Carraway cookware a few years ago. And honestly, it's changing the way I make dinner. never been a good cook. And when I first found out that if you use Teflon pans and there's scratches, it creates like microplastics in all of your food. I was like, I got to be a grown up and get some non-toxic cookware. But it did more than just that. It makes me feel like maybe I am a little bit of Betty Crocker because I can fry meat and then put it directly in to like finish the cooking

in the oven without switching pans. They're so easy to clean. They're gorgeous. They feel heavy duty. I'm a better cook because I switch to Caraway non-toxic cookware. And right now you can save up to $230 on the 12-piece cookware set versus buying the pieces individually. Right now, visit Carawayhome.com slash clutterbug 10 and you can take an additional 10% off using the code clutterbug 10 on your next purchase. This deal is exclusive just for our listeners. So go to carewayhome.com slash clutterbug 10 or use the code clutterbug 10 at checkout. Now it's time for a quick talk to Cass. And let's start with Sarah. Hi, Cass. My name is Sarah and I live in Brisbane, Australia. So long way away from where you are.

I don't actually know how long I've been watching and listening to you, but it's been a couple of years at least. I know now I'm a ladybug and I don't feel bad about the fact that I don't fold my clothes. I just shove my clothes into my drawers and my cupboards and at least they're away and things look relatively neat on the outside. My question is something that I've heard you talk about before and other people talk about but my dad's a hoarder and he's getting on a bit now and he started talking about how he just wants to do this one project of fixing up an old car before he dies. Like he's had this car since before I was born. So it's, yeah, getting close to 40 plus years and he's always had this project in the back of his mind. But he just has so much

stuff on his property and around this car that it's just looking like it's impossible for this to happen. And I'm just wondering if my siblings and I pose it that will help him accomplish this one project, but before that can happen that we have to help him organize his stuff. And I'm wondering if saying that it's organizing and not necessarily throwing it away, but in the process, he might warm up to the idea of letting go of some things in order to clear the path to do this one project. Like, is that going to work? I think I'd like to just put like stuff with like stuff and be able to say to him, you just point out what you'd like to keep and what can go and see if that is actually a viable way of trying to help him do this one thing.

Because, yeah, every time I visit, I get depressed now because I know I'd like to see this thing finished, but I just don't know if it is ever going to happen. So I'd be curious to know what your thoughts are. Thank you. Oh, Sarah, okay, this is so, this actually is so lovely because you and your siblings really want to help. And I think there are ways, I don't want to say trick, but there are ways that we could possibly trick, knowing that at the end of the day, he has full control. And he might say no, but I love your idea of offering to help organize. What I would actually say when this is very, very helpful for people who I've worked with who have a hoarding tendency is.

we talk about trading. So would you trade some of these things in order for us to be able to fix up the car? Or you can start with organizing whatever it is. Use lots of words, write down lots of different things. And when you get that initial yes, like he's open to the idea, that's the crack you need. And I love that so much. I also love how you said where he could just sit and point because that is so powerful. It's called the yes, no method. What I would do if this was my dad, I would go in with like I would love to like help you get organized and can we trade some of these things and really focus on fixing up this car. We really want to do this for you, but we would have to do a little work first. Are you open to this? If you get the yes, then we schedule a weekend and I would

schedule a dumpster because you've got to start small. There is definitely going to be trashed there. If he could just start focusing on yes, that can go, that can go with the reinforcement of oh my gosh, yes, we're one step closer to the car or good job or can we find someone to give some of this stuff too and praise, praise, praise. I'm hoping that he will actually like see the other side, which is it actually feels good to let go. Right now he's convinced himself that it feels good to hold on. You can help him see that the opposite is actually true. Hi, Cass. My name is Karen. I'm from Boston and I just wanted to let you know that I absolutely love your podcast. It's helped me out so much. And I recommended to just about everybody I know. And I have two things I wanted to mention. One is a do it shitty. This is something I do to keep my car clean. Whenever I'm waiting in my car, like in line at the pharmacy or I was just getting my inspection sticker waiting in line, I keep a microfiber cloth in the center console. And anytime I'm waiting like that, I just put my car in park. And I just watch. down the dashboard just to keep the dust off and sometimes whatever else I see dust on.

And the second thing I wanted to say is that I have no idea how you would do this, but I would love it if you or someone way more talented than me could figure out how to make a compilation of all of your tough love podcasts. Those are my favorite ones and I feel like they're the most helpful to me and I would love it if we could figure out how to do that. Thanks so much. Love you. I think that's cool. Karen. Yeah, I would love to do like a playlist. We should totally just, my producer just told me we actually have a playlist. We have a tough love playlist here on YouTube. So if you want to go to YouTube the Clutterbug podcast channel, not the main Clutterbug channel, you'll see a playlist. It's just all tough love. I'll be

screaming at you. Tell you, get rid of your stuff. What are you reading for? If that appeals to you, it appeals to me too. You'll find it there. Let's do a quick segment called, oh hell no. where for 60 seconds, I rant about something so that I don't have to pay for therapy. You ready? I was sitting here and I was just scratching my head and I found a tick, a tick embedded into my scalp. And I ripped that sucker off and then full panic happened. Why? Because Lyme disease is real.

Every time I hear about Lyme disease, I'm like, it gets worse and worse. Justin Bieber, that poor guy, he looked homeless. The whole world made fun of him. Turned out Lyme disease. Joe's grandma had Lyme disease. She couldn't chew and ended up with heart damage. So now my hypochondric self is like, holy crap, I'm probably dying. I could barely focus on today's podcast because I just kept thinking about the tick that I had in my head,

which I taped to a card and I wrote the date just in case I start exhibiting symptoms. I will send it away for testing. Not the point. We can invent things to make penises stand up and to make all this. Why can we not get rid of freaking ticks in Lyme disease? Now I'm stressed and also it's you can't even go for a walk. It's ridiculous. There, I'm fine.

Lyme disease sucks. Send the consolidation cards to Joe now. You better get them ready. Is it a consolation? Wait, no. Condolences, condolences. Send the sorry for your loss cards. I got one foot out the door now.

Thank you guys so much. I hope you got something clean today. I hope more than anything you have. a little bit more self-awareness and can identify some of these reasons and why the excuses you're making are probably just lies covering these up. Let me know in the comments below if you found this helpful. Also, wash your windows, friends. Just the inside part maybe. I'll see you guys next time.