Clutterbug - Real-Life Hacks and Tips to Declutter, Organize and Clean your Home Fast - The Housework Gender Gap - Why Do Women Clean More? | Clutterbug Podcast # 176

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

Why do women still do 70% (or more) of the housework? In today's podcast, we will talk about the huge gender gap when it comes to daily chores, and what we can actually do about it!    You can find more Clutterbug content here: Website: http://www.clutterbug.me YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@clutterbug TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@clutterbug_me Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/clutterbug_me/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Clutterbug.Me/    #clutterbug #podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Did you know that still today, like right now, women are still doing 70% of the housework, even though most women are working full time just like men, they're still doing the majority of the housework. And I want to know why. Hey, Clutterbugs and welcome back to the Clutterbug podcast. I thought we'd do something a little bit different today. While we clean together, I'm hoping that you use this time to scrub, catch up on dishes, maybe put away some laundry, declutter something. I'm going to do that as soon as this podcast is over.

I'm going to go back and just reset the kitchen and do my nighttime cleaning routine. But I thought we would chat for a second about something that we all kind of know, but we don't talk about a lot. And that is the unfairness about the fact that still in this day and age, women are doing the majority of the housework. Now, this isn't in all cases. There are lots of men who are doing half or more in certain households. But the majority of households, still, women are doing 70% or more of the general housework, despite those women working full time. And in a lot of cases, being the sole breadwinner. And I want to talk a little bit about my own

situation with you today and this isn't to man bash and I don't want to be like husbands are the worst that's not what this is about I think as women it is important we talk about this and and the fact that it's not really fair and it's changing and it's not going to change overnight but we it's okay for us to sometimes be upset now I don't want us to nag or be like turn into martyrs or, you know, start protesting and burning our mops on the front lawns or whatever. But let's talk about the fact that this isn't fair and really get to maybe why this is still the case, even though gender roles have really shifted. So I think back to my mom's generation, my mom actually worked full time.

And that was rare for that day and age, right? the majority of my mom's friends when I think about like even my stepmom, but the majority of women my mom's age were stay at home mothers and the husband worked full time. But in my mom's case, she worked full time. She actually made more money than my dad, but still did 100% of the housework. And I think that's because her mother also did 100% of the housework. And because my mother grew up in such poverty and my grandmother as well. My grandmother didn't have the luxury of ever being a stay-at-home mother either. So my grandmother had to work full-time and her mother had to work full-time. And so I come from a long line of women who I've always just done everything for the men in their

life, including earned the money. And it's kind of just the way it is. And there's a lot of like blue, I guess in pink jobs in my family. So the men would cut the grass and the men would fix things that were broken and the women would do all the other stuff. Now, this is great. And I used to be a stay-at-home mom, even though I ran a daycare, but I was home. So I did all of those sort of household things. And I took that on my on because my husband wasn't home. And because I was able to fit that into my daily routine and it didn't feel like extra work. And so there was still a little bit of resentment, but not a lot of resentment at that time. And also it just kind of felt like that's the way it's supposed to be. But the difference between occasionally doing yard work or cutting the grass is

those are things that are maybe like once a week, whereas dishes is daily, cooking is daily. Laundry is, let's be honest, I do it daily because I have a family of five. And so we have these regular routine tidying up as daily. Like just planning and all the things that we kind of, for the most part, women are sort of in charge of, not in every situation. Listen, if you're like, my husband does amazing. If your husband does all this stuff, amazing. You share it 50, 50, incredible. You are so freaking lucky. That is not the norm. It isn't. It isn't the norm. I can tell. I'm getting off track here. But anyways, my point is we have a lot of daily things. And I don't feel like a weekly cutting the grass equals all the daily things that have to get

down all the time. And there was a time in my marriage. There was multiple times in my marriage. with Joe for 21 years, where I was working all the time and running a daycare and having like three young children. And I just thought, I can't be with this person anymore. I felt so disrespected. And that's what it feels like when you're living with someone who, and he never outright said this, but I felt this thought that daily chores like cleaning up gross stuff. like cleaning the toilet, doing the dirty dishes, scrubbing dirt. I felt like my husband thought that that was beneath him, beneath his abilities, maybe beneath his intelligence level, beneath his talents, just beneath him in general

because he was up here, which meant because I was doing it, I was somehow beneath him. or I was like I was the person who would do, right? So it's like if he was too good, then what was I? And that's how I really felt. And he never voiced that, but that was definitely like something I felt for a very long time. And there was lots of days where I'm like, I'm out, man. I'm out of this relationship. I'm sick of doing all the crappy jobs while you aren't doing the crappy jobs.

and this isn't fair. And it wasn't even that I was probably, like I probably wasn't doing more than him. I just felt like I was doing more of the crap work. Does that make sense? I don't know. Maybe I'm just rambling and this doesn't make any sense. But that's honestly how I felt. And I think talking with a lot of other women, that's how sometimes they feel too.

And also when we do tell her husbands to help, I shouldn't even say help. When we're like, hey, can you clean the kids? kitchen, it's not always done well. And so I don't know if this is weaponized incompetence or this really is like they've never learned or women just generally for some reason are better at housework. But that can feel kind of disrespectful too when somebody is like doing a job, but then you have to go back and parent and say, well, you forgot to do this and this or just redo it yourself anyway. So it's building up a lot of resentment. A lot of this resentment about housework actually leads to divorce.

It's one of the number one reasons why couples get divorced is arguing about housework. And it's almost always initiated by the woman leaving the man because she feels so disrespected that the man isn't helping out. So like, what do we do about this? How do we change this? And if you're listening to this and you feel like my husband just isn't really doing the down and dirty stuff. And you're probably like doing the down and dirty stuff while you listen to this. So I don't want you to like start rage cleaning. Don't do that.

Rage cleaning while effective just makes you upset. And that's not worth it. Okay. So I'm going to share what I did to try it kind of change because all the begging, pleading, threatening that I did to my husband. didn't change him at all. It really didn't. He didn't help out more. Maybe he would help out more like the next day after I had like a meltdown crying, ugly snot fest, tear screaming thing about how I felt disrespected. Maybe he'd help out for a day or two, but it was never a long-lasting change. So what did I do? I had to really realize that A, I cannot change him. No, no matter.

how much I want to. And B, at the end of the day, I want this for myself. I had to stop looking at housework as something like this resentful negative thing. And I had to change my mindset and start seeing it as a gift to myself. And I also did the thing. Everybody's like, stop doing it and eventually they will. That is true. I've gone on strike many a times or I've gotten very sick or I've just been busy and the house is like trashed. And Joe will step up without being asked. He'll be like, oh, but it has to get bad for him to notice. His threshold for dirt and mess is like, it's lower than mine.

Is that, is that what you say, lower higher? The point is, it's got to get bad for him to care enough to do it. And he will, but I'm not willing to live with a home that has dirty dishes all over the counter all day. And maybe he'll load the dishwasher at night, but not all the dishes will get loaded and he'll leave some to soak. And like today, he cleaned the kitchen, but there were still stuff all over the counter and he didn't move and he didn't wipe the counters. And I could go back and like be his mom and point out all the ways that he sucks. but at the end of the day he's just going to feel bad and nothing's going to change. So why am I wasting my breath? Why am I letting myself get upset about this? I had to really kind of let him do him and I do me and focus on what can I do for myself as a gift. Like this is important to me. This is my priority. I'm not doing it because I'm a woman. I'm not doing it because, you know, society's telling me I have to. I'm not doing it because my husband's

disrespecting me and he refuses to do it. Maybe all those things are true, but I'm choosing to focus on my real truth, which is it's more important to me than it is to him that my home looks and feels a certain way for my own happiness. And so I find time to do that. And if he is pitching in, and he is doing something, then that is a bonus. And I started having this mindset years ago, mostly because I was like, I'm, I'm going to leave him. Really. And then I thought about being a single parent. And I was like, I'm going to have to do this all by myself as a single parent.

And I was like, but I will get every other weekend with my kids gone. But then I was like, but I'll have every other weekend with my kids gone. That sounds wonderful and horrible all at the same time. And just all of these things, and I'm like, I would actually really miss my husband. Like, I genuinely love him. He's being upset about the dishes not being done properly or him not scrubbing a toilet when I think it needs to be scrubbed really worth losing him and our family over. And the answer is, of course, no. And so I had to make the choice then of what can I do for me?

to be happier because I'm sick of feeling resentful. I'm sick of hoping and begging and threatening and screaming. And I just, I just want to have a clean house and I don't want to feel disrespected anymore. And so I just started doing it for me. And it was so, it was like, the stress was like leaving my body. And also this magical thing started happening. The more. I just started doing it without bitching, sorry to swear, or begging or nagging, the more, maybe he felt guilty watching me work while he wasn't. Or maybe he started realizing, hey, this actually maybe isn't that bad because she's not acting like this is the worst tour ever. And he started doing it too and pitching in a little more. He does not clean as much as I do at all.

and I am the made breadwitter of the family, and that's okay. Because he's picked up slack in other areas without me having to ask, so he does the yard work, but he also runs the kids to all of their activities. If they have an orthodontist appointment, a doctor's appointment, a soccer game, a softball game, if they need a ride to a friend's, Joe's taking care of that. He has taken that off my plate, and I didn't have to ask. is he cherry picking the better jobs maybe but the truth is i'd rather stay home and vacuum than do those things and so we kind of found this natural rhythm when we took out the resentment and

the pressure and the nagging and the checklists and we just stayed in our lane and i let him do him and he let me do me and we just like found a flow a partnership together and i'm not saying this is 100% going to work for your family. Maybe your husband's going to lay on the couch and play video games all night and that's going to really suck. But you're still going to wake up to a clean kitchen tomorrow. Okay. You're still going to go to bed in a bedroom that doesn't have dirty laundry all over the place. You're going to get to a place where you have a daily routine and it's not going to feel like a ton of work. And it's probably more work than you want to do if I'm being honest, it's like, who doesn't want to watch Bridgeton for the 17th time?

I know I do. But instead, maybe I'll only watch one episode and I'll take another 25 minutes to make sure I'm caught up so that tomorrow is easier. Because if we don't, it's even harder tomorrow. We're not going to feel like it more tomorrow. Our husbands aren't going to feel like it more tomorrow. Procrastinating, getting angry, going to bed mad in a messy house is not. The answer. What is the answer? You can leave or you can do it for you. I don't see another way. It's

possible. Maybe there's other ways. But I've done a lot of research. You can do it for you or you can say enough is enough and then you're single and you're doing it for you. I guess I wanted to make this podcast because I feel like I've finally moved past that feeling of resentment, not only of my husband not helping but of my house and the housework and the kids and the never ending to do. And I'm finally in a place of acceptance because I've reminded myself that at the end of the day, I'm the one who makes this a priority for me. And so I'm the one in charge of my thoughts and my feelings. And I'm the one in charge of my actions.

And of all the time I have, it's worth it to me. to spend a half an hour, even an hour a day so that I get the benefits of a clean house. And the best thing we can do is make sure that everyone's pitching in at dinner. This is something we don't have to nag. We're like, yo, nobody leaves the kitchen till the kitchen is clean after dinner dishes. And stop. That's not nagging your husband because your kids will have to be part of it. Like that's a family rule.

That's a non-negotiable. everybody has to put away their own laundry that's fun your husband you're just like hey can you put away this is your clothes can you put that away i'm going to put mine away he's not going to be like oh you're not putting away my laundry he's just going to put away his frigging it's fine it's a non-negotiable we're not nagging we're doing something and we're like hey can you do this small task for me kukukuku and you move on to your other thing and slowly i'm telling you like a magic it will get more even. And I don't know in my, in my relationship personally, if it's ever going to be 50-50,

if you ask my husband, he does more than me. He's delusional. But maybe I'm delusional. No, no, it's him. It's definitely him. But it's going to get better. Every month, every year, it gets a little bit better because I feel a little bit better about the whole situation. And my children's generation, I can already see it.

These girls are so empowered. They're like, no, bro. It's not a woman's job. And so things are changing. They're just not going to change overnight. So if you're listening to this, it's a long rambly podcast, and I apologize for that. But I hope you're reminding yourself of all the reasons why you're doing this for you. You're reminding yourself of why it's important to you and how it's a gift to yourself. Listen, I want to take a minute to share some super cool, exciting news with you and also some unexpected things that I've discovered this last week. But first, I have to thank today's podcast sponsor, Cozy Earth. If you want to refresh your bedroom, I am all about making your master bedroom a priority. It starts with new bedding. And Cozy Earth for me is my go-to sheets. They're beautiful bamboo. They're cool feelings. So I slide into a nice cool bed. I never feel overheated with these sheets. They're so soft. They feel luxurious. And they've been named one of Oprah's favorite things for a reason because they're awesome. And right now you can save up to 35% sitewide

going to cozy earth.com and using the promo code clutterbug. Whether you need to new sheets or bedding or pillows, go to cozyearth.com and use the promo code Clutterbug to save up to 35% off. Okay, so my exciting news that I want to share with you and you as my podcast listeners are going to be the first to find out, which is amazing. No, I'm not selling you something. Listen, I just found out right before I started recording this podcast and then it was confirmed with a message while I was recording this podcast, we just bought a brand new house. I'm very excited. We put it in an offer on a house last week. First, we went and saw it, and it was great. It ticked a lot of boxes. I love this house, but it wasn't perfect. And I thought, you know, they're charging a lot,

and I didn't want to pay that much. And somebody offered way over asking, and I was not going to go that high and so I we didn't and we lost the house but the more we thought about it the more we realized we've been waiting years for this perfect thing to happen and this was as close to perfect as we found and we deserve it and we're tired of waiting so we called our realtor back and we said listen we'll go a little bit more we'll do a cash offer no conditions so the other family who originally got it, had 72 hours to waive their conditions and have a cash offer too, or else it went to us. They ended up releasing their contract. It went to us. So, like, as of right now, we have a new house and we still own this house. Yeah, we own two houses. We have to sell

this one, like, lickety split. And so this is a big deal, right? And if you've ever done this before, you know how stressful this is. The thought of owning two houses, two mortgages, having to come up with a ton of money of a down payment for the other house without having the money from this house because it's not sold. Super, super crazy stressful. But I was looking around this house at all the things that I would have to do in order to sell. And it was like I took my, I took some sort of goggles off. And I saw my house in a completely new light. I was outside. I was. I was. looked in the shed and I thought, there's like nothing in here I would want to pack and bring to this new house. I got to run a dumpster for this, not just to sell it, but I don't want to move

this. And I'm thinking of the Harry Potter closet and all the old dollar store decorations and things in my laundry room that for some reason I've just stored in there. I don't want to move the 50 million half empty paint cans that I have for some reason. I don't want to pack those. Why are they here? Why are they here? So I'm renting a dumpster and I'm going to fill it. And I think now that it's pressure time I'm put into, you know, I'm put into the pot

and it's boiling. Maybe that's what's making me see my house differently. But I think you could also do an exercise like this yourself by just looking at your home and visualizing. Say tomorrow someone was like, da-da-da-da, da, here's your. your dream house, you've won it from those HGTV dream house sweepstakes and you're packing and we're going to take care of selling your house and you're packing and moving. What do you not want to pack? Like what do you don't want to pack up or unpack and have to find a home for at the other house?

Like seriously, is there stuff that you're just storing for the sake of storing because you have this space? My shed is a disaster. There's, like there's a four-wheeler in our garage that doesn't even start. We've been talking about selling it for four years with all the extra tires for it. We have bikes that our kids have outgrown. We have sporting equipment that are kids have outgrown. Shoes and just, I would never pack that. I would never take the time to pack this stuff up and pay a mover to move it to the new house. So why the heck is it in my house right now? So this week's going to be like bananas decluttering.

And I should have done it years ago. I should have looked at my house and asked myself that question. And I don't know why I didn't. I don't know why I really didn't think of it. I didn't look at my house in this really critical way. But you can do this right now. Pretend you're having an open house this weekend. An open house.

There's going to be all your neighbors coming. through. Everybody's going to be coming through. Look around at your house and say, what would you have to do to get ready for this open house? What would you have to do that would cost you nothing to get ready for this open house? Is it declutter? Is it organized? Is it tidy? Is it, I don't know, it's something? Why are you waiting? You deserve that. Why would we put this off? Let's do this for I. ourselves. So tonight, right before I started this podcast, I picked up like a little can of touch up paint. I was like touching up all the scuffs that every day have been driving me crazy. There's like, I painted everything black because I'm crazy. But yeah, the scuffs have been driving me nuts. It took five minutes to touch them all up with touch up paint. Why didn't I do

that before? I'm going to declutter the shut this week and it's going to feel incredible. Why didn't I do that before? And I want you to ask yourself that same question. I want you to pretend, play make, believe. It's imagination station time. And you're moving. What can go or what can you do to get your house ready? Or what would you never pack and pay a mover to move and unpack that can leave?

This is a different way of looking at things. And I know for myself, my eyes have been. open and I'm feeling very motivated. So I hope you're feeling motivated too. I hope you got some stuff done while we were working together today because listen, you deserve a home that you are proud of. And no matter what, doesn't matter if you have to renovate or buy new furniture, listen, clean is beautiful. And you deserve a beautiful home. So gift it to yourself today. Thanks so much for listening and I'll see you guys next time.