Coffee Convos with Kail Lowry and Lindsie Chrisley - 147: Being Open About Personal Trauma, Addiction, and Healing with Cori Gabrielle

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

This week Kail and Lindsie are joined by TikTok creator Cori Gabrielle to talk about some very personal and important topics. Cori discusses her struggle with addiction, and what personal experiences led her to start creating content. The women discuss how sharing deeply personal experiences on the internet can be vulnerable, but that is can be comforting for so many people. Plus Cori and Kail both share stories about meeting birth-parents, the emotional toll it can cause, and the healing that comes after.  This episode was sponsored by: Nutrafol, Brooklinen, KiwiCo, & E.L.F. Cosmetics Have a question you want answered? Want to give Kail and Lindsie a call? Leave them a message at ?(609)-316-0060?. Music by Nathaniel Wyvern. Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License.

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of coffee combos. Yeah, I was warming up my voice because I was gonna sing the intro, but I needed to warm up first. Are you warm? No, go ahead. I'm gonna close out with a sing. No, you're gonna open it. Can you please go ahead? Please do it. No, I'm gonna close out with Janine and Bottle by Christina Aguilera. Okay, that's good. So what's going on? I made it to Atlanta. Um, Kristen told me I'm not allowed to book any more flights because we got the last row on the plane and it was a lot of turbulence and you were near the shitter. Yeah, it was a small plane this time, actually. I don't remember like ever flying to Atlanta with like a really tiny plane. Like it was like

a jet. Oh, wow. Did you feel fancy? No, because you were in the backseat. Yeah. Yeah, but I did have an entire row to myself. So that was good. I'm glad that you got here safely. Thank you. Yeah. Did it feel good? Yes, to get away. Honestly, it was like counting down the days to this trip solely for the fact that I would be able to sleep through the night. But my body is still waking up in the night as if I was with home with greed. I feel like I heard you this morning. Really? Yeah, you were like sleeping on the couch, but then you moved to the room at some point. Yes, because I heard people and I wasn't ready to associate. Oh, I knew that was the situation. That's exactly what happened. But other than that,

I feel good to be here. I haven't seen you since October. October, yeah. And that was in Philly. So yeah, I know that you wanted to talk about. So yeah, so since I've been here for what, like 48 hours, we've vented a lot. Yes, we did. And I am getting dragged across the floor now for I guess I don't care about Lincoln. So because he's the middle child, I don't care about him. And so that's what I'm reading about myself this morning. I think it's just funny that people, okay, you're probably being judged by people who aren't parents yet. Or I think most of them are moms. That's the crazy part. But then also the, the mom shamers that our moms are the worst, like the mom, the fellow moms are

the worst. And people don't understand you've been followed since you were 16 years old on a TV show. And for them to come after you and the way that they do, like what are they, what are they solving? Like what, what is it in them that is lacking that they feel like they need to do that to you? I don't understand. Like I would never see someone on TV. And it's I guess the context of it too, right? Like last week, Lincoln had hurt himself when we were playing cops and robbers. And I had talked about it on the other podcast. And I just basically said that I didn't get him x-rays. I didn't want to pay for them because because the doctor did not recommend them because they don't do anything for broken

noses anyway. So she said in the small chance that his nose was broken, there was nothing they could do anyway. So there's no real reason to have an x-ray. So that was going to cast it or anything. They took me saying I didn't want to pay for them and ran with it. It was like, I didn't want to pay for them because they were not really necessary. And the doctor didn't really, and it was a PA actually. She didn't think that it was really necessary. So why am I going to be like, Oh, no, I hear what you're saying, but still do the x-rays. But even then we can't do anything about the broken nose. It's going to sit there. She literally said if it bleeds again the next day or it's bruising really bad, like obviously

bring them back, we'll do x-rays and see we'll go from there. But she was like, it's such a small chance that just let him go home and do his thing. And what's also so weird to me too is I feel like every, every time you've had a child at some point, one of them has been the favorite, right? So like you had, yes, to the public, you had Isaac, but then you just had him. So Instagram and social media wasn't a huge thing when I had him, right? And then you had Lincoln and because you just had those two and you were married to hobby, right? Then it was, Oh, Lincoln's the favorite because I posted him, but Isaac was at preschool. So by the time I had Lux, Lincoln was in preschool,

but they have Lux became the favorite child. Yes. And I'm sure at some point Creed will be the favorite, but what's irritating is like they're making it seem like they're posting articles saying like Kale doesn't take middle child to the ER or like Kale doesn't pay for x-rays for middle child. And it's like, Lincoln can Google this, Lincoln can read this shit. You guys are not just like dragging me. Yeah. You know what I mean? So that's kind of, it's just hurtful because obviously I'm, Kids should be off limits when it comes to the media, you know, like when they're reporting on stuff, I just, I don't know. I just think like they are not the ones who signed up to

do this. And you know, that's a tricky situation to navigate to, you know, because they are secondary to the fact that you were on a show and they've all been born basically into that. And so that's a little bit of a tricky situation too. But I think people also forget the fact that Lincoln is a child that plays football and there's a lot of monetary requirements around that. And I think people just like want to judge for no reason. The media must be slow. Like the news must be slow lately. Must be slow. Speaking of news, I was reading our DMs and someone sent a thing where Justin Timberlake had, did you see that? No, but I'm scared what you're going to say. Where I guess it was on Twitter and

a journalist had said something about maybe he should apologize to Janet Jackson and this was years ago and he responded and said, bye. I did see that. So that just further proves what we said. But I guess we're ripping our episode apart saying that it wasn't genuine and stuff. Like people were mad that we were saying that. Why? I don't know because I still feel like I literally read like 12 comments that were saying the same things. Right? Yeah. I'm not sure we can't win. I still feel the same way. Oh, and then we got a lot of messages from people talking about the bedtimes and how relevant that was. And one of the messages that came through was talking about how tricky is it for you to navigate since you have kids

in all different life phases with bedtime? Like are you doing bedtime for like five hours? Actually no. So with Creed, I have a sleep consultant who has helped me with that process and like find like the sleeping cues and everything that you look for. And so we found like Creed is in bed asleep between 630 and seven. So we start bath time right after 6pm. So he has a bottle and then we do that. So he's the first one to sleep. And then I do Isaac Lincoln and Lux all go to bed at the same time. Oh, okay. Well, that makes it easy because Lincoln and Lux share a room. And Lincoln just got out of the phase of not needing someone to sleep in the room with him. So like he used to want to always be with Isaac. And now he's

like, okay, because Lux is in his room. And Lux, you know, he's always trying to keep up with the with the big kids. So I have them all go to bed at the same time. What time do they go to bed between 830 and nine? Okay, so I'm not unreasonable. No, sometimes I mean, sometimes it's like if I if we've all had a really, really long day, it's definitely like closer to the 830 mark. But if we have kind of been home all day, not really doing anything or like, you know, just not a whole lot going on, it will be a little bit closer to nine just because we are in virtual school except for Thursday and Friday. So I am a little bit closer to the nine and it also depends if I have to argue with them to take

a shower or brush their teeth. Those are important factors. Those are the worst arguments. Okay, I have one thing that I wanted to read you before we bring our guests on. It was a message that came through coffee compost podcast Instagram. And it said, I've been listening to y'all for a while now, but I never got a chance to sit down and message. So I have a few things. First of all, Kale's growth is incredible. I've watched her on Teen Mom for years and see the change in her is so incredible. Secondly, when you guys talk about teachers having relationships with students, it's been a generational problem at my home high school. There's a male teacher who teaches agriculture and is also the wrestling coach and him and his wife are swingers and

have been for years and I'm talking 15 plus years. They have been sleeping with students and the wife was a sub. She got caught, but nothing has been said about the male teacher and everyone knows it's happening. And they're the ones like their special uniforms or something that like they do. It's like, I love how just like nonchalantly you're reading this. It's a very monotone and I'm just like, wait a minute. Yeah, let me connect these dots. Well, I'm reading it like probably how the person said it, right? No, I'm just like very calm. I would have read that so dramatically. It says that they have sleepovers and it says it's disgusting and I will not allow either of my boys to wrestle because of this. Oh,

well, I definitely at a school near me, there was an affair between a student and a wrestling coach. Like that happens for sure. But have we ever heard a story? I don't think I've ever heard a story where there is a teacher and a wife who has a sub who also are swingers who also are sleeping with a student. Like both of them are doing it. That's like very lots of levels deep. Right. And a level of twisted that like I'm not really ready to go to. So you know how we've talked about on the on the podcast before like when we go over like murder cases and it's like two people that like commit a murder together or whatever. And it's like, you already have like one form of twisted and then how does like a second

twisted person to that caliber, how do they come in contact and then do something like that and like think it's fine. Maybe twisted people attract other twisted people. Like if you came to me and said, kill, let's go do this. And I'm like, you're twisted out of your mind. You're not going to convince me to do that with you. Like I'm going to go call the police. You would call the cops on me. I would never trust you again. I now don't trust you. Great. I just set myself up for that one. Well, like if you were like wanting to kill someone, yeah, because I would probably be next. Oh, I see that. Like if you wanted to go run a bank, I'm not going to tell on you. But if you want to kill someone,

like if that's what your type of, well, thank God, I don't have that in my mind. I'm next and I'm not, you know what I mean? Because if you get me to help you, then you can get someone else to help you kill me. I like researching serial killers. I'm not going to be one. Right. But you get what I mean. Yes, but I get it. So we have a guest today that we didn't announce from the beginning because we wanted to surprise you all kind of like my warm up my voice warm ups that she didn't do. Yes. So we have a guest and I'm going to, I don't know how to transition this one. I found Corey, her name is Corey. I found her on Tik Tok and she, I like went to her profile cause she was so funny and perfect. I went to her profile cause

she was so funny and I was like, Oh my God, like she went viral over and I mean, I didn't, I had never heard of her until I saw her on Tik Tok and I was like, this is amazing. So she reached out to me and was like, Kale, just hear me out. Let me go on your podcast. And I was like, okay, so we made it happen and welcome Corey. She's in Atlanta with us and we have her on coffee combos. My loneliness is killing me and I'm so much alike. I love it. I feel like that was my big debut and I'm proud of it. Yeah, as you should be. I definitely think that we should get you like an audiogram for that. A record deal to for sure. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I don't know that we would go that far yet, Corey, but

with a little practice. Yes, we can warm up together. Yeah, for sure. I like so. Okay. Let's introduce everyone to you. So were you already on Tik Tok for a while or like when did this whole Tik Tok thing happen? So funny, I joined Tik Tok in last January because I was bored as hell and I was like, okay, well, yeah, let's try this out. And I went through three usernames. The first one, 25 therapy because I was originally doing like mental health content and kind of like de stigmatizing mental health and you know, giving like coping skills and all that fun stuff. And then I was like, so I'm a therapist. And so I'm like, I do this every day. I'm like, I have an identity outside of it. I was like, so I want to change

it. Right. And I thought I was like, funny. So I was like, all right, let's change it to WTF Corey. And I was like, because my life is kind of a shit show. Same. And so I started posting things like that. And then I started getting kind of like people like reaching out since I started growing right after I changed it to that and started making the content about me, my stories, my life as a mom, as a mom. And that started taking it off. And then I was like, okay, maybe I should just use my name, you know, so I don't know, I can be a little more. Yes, like a person, like you're not limiting yourself. Right. And then so I think within like six, no, four months, I went from like 200,000 followers

to like 1.4 million. I do not understand how TikTok grows so fast, like compared to other platforms. I don't understand either. Corey and I were trying to talk about that before and I think there's like no algorithm yet, like how Instagram has like a weird algorithm or whatever. And TikTok just doesn't have that. So I've literally seen accounts that I come up on like my four U page, which is like similar to an explore page on Instagram, go from literally 1000 followers to 500 overnight. What? It's insane. I don't, and I don't even, yeah, that, that's wild. So wait, so you get on TikTok and then when did you start making the more like crazy videos? So I think that was in the summer at the end of the summer.

Like quarantine. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And I was like, I'm a young mom. My life is crazy. I've been through a lot of stuff. And I was like, let's just like put the shit out there. See if it's relatable. Like I got strong skin. So I can handle handle the the comebacks, whatever it is. And I was just like, let's just be my authentic self. And I started talking about like my mom's stories, how hard it is with the toddler as I know you guys know what it's like to be a mom. And it just took off. Yeah, just completely took off. And it's been, it's been fucking awesome. So I had sent your profile to my publicist and she was like, Oh my God, yeah, I love her. I follow her. And then she was like, Hey,

did you see these videos that Corey did? And I was like, Well, no, I got to go look. So I think the first videos that I saw were like, you're funny, like toddler stories. And I'm like, Oh, these are so relatable. Just like, I don't know, dropping it off in the carpool line. Yeah, I put that in air quotes because Lindsay loves to call it that. But like little mom funny stories. And then I started to see like, I had seen you talk about addiction. And then Alexa, which is my publicist, she was like, Have you seen the abortion stuff? And I was like, it's, it's, I don't know what the word I'm looking for is relatable. And I definitely in my experience have noticed that people resonate more with the pain that

people go through, because I feel like it is so much more relatable than, than people who put on this like facade that everything is so perfect all the time. And so I definitely related to you in that way. Cause I was like, I've had an abortion and I've, you know, had I've been divorced. I have kids with someone I was divorced to and, you know, all of that. And so I feel like that is definitely relatable. Yeah. And I think like one of the biggest things I try to like make sure people know is like when they are like, I don't know, when they put me on like a pedestal, I'm like, take me off, take me off, you know, and I try to be as authentic as I can, which is

like something I value. And I think with the, when I had, when I did the abortion video, it took me about, I think six months for me to even talk about it because I was so ashamed of it. So embarrassed and nobody talks about it. And I was like, I am a clinical therapist for God's sake. It's like I'm going for my SID and neuro psychology. And I'm like, if I don't feel comfortable talking about it, I can't even imagine how many people are like suffering in silence. Yeah. So I was like, fuck it. I'm going to, I'm going to go on here and I'm going to be a voice for women, you know, that have experienced that. And so I think that was my most vulnerable post for sure. I've ever, I've ever put out there.

And within minutes, I swear I got hundreds and hundreds of messages both on TikTok and Instagram about how like my story, like they felt comfortable sharing theirs and like just thanking me for being like open about it and that it gave them a safe space. And I was like, all of those women completely outweighed any of the haters or, you know, people that I got that were. Have you had any backlash on, because I know you've talked about like a religion and just being like your, your belief and all of that stuff. Have you gotten a lot of criticism in that aspect? So I've said that, like I was like spiritual. So I don't like talk about it like too much, but like, I do relate it back to like my addiction more so.

Okay. Okay. In general. Right. Okay. And so, yeah, I mean, people have opinions about everything. So whenever like, I say anything, they're like, how could you say something like that? And like, I'm very like unconventional or I'll swear a lot and whatever. And they're like, well, that's not living by God's way. I'm like, suck my toes. But yeah, I think that's a big reason that Christianity really fails in that regard that when you're a Christian, a lot of people view other people in a very judging way. And that is not true Christianity. No, it's not for sure not like you should be lending a helping

hand and you should be a shoulder to cry on for someone and not a judgmental person and try to guide them in the way that God would lead you. And I just, I don't know. I think that's what gives Christianity a bad name. Yeah, for sure. And it's, it's what strays people who are non-believers who would be open to believing. Right. It strays them away because they're fearful of being judged. Yeah, I could agree with that. I could definitely agree with that. I think it's like the biggest thing comes down to is like, love thy neighbor. That's it. Period. And that's what I kind of live by. Like no other. Yeah. Like gay, straight, black, white, all of it. Pardon me for not seeing the video, but can you explain for our listeners, like what the video was and tell me? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So let's see. I got pregnant in June, 2020. And it was with somebody that I really felt strongly for. And it just, the situation was not going to be healthy. And it was not going to work out. But for two weeks, I was like, okay, no, I'm keeping, keeping the child. And so I was like, okay, I was getting excited about it and all of that. And then I was like, I can't do this. Like realistically, I can't do this. Like, you know, at the time, the guy I was with was in a citizen. And there was just a lot of complications with that and financial stuff. And I was like, I was like, I was living at my parents at the time. I already had my daughter who's three. I was like, I can't do this. And so it was, so I was like, okay, I need, I need to get an abortion. And so

I finally told my family who was like very anti abortion. And I think it was actually a blessing because it opened them up to being like, because they accepted me for it. And they were like, how do we best support you? The abortion or the pregnancy? The abortion. Got it. And they were like, well, how can we support you? Like, let me love you, you know, throughout it, which was amazing. And however, I went to the abortion clinic and they, since it was COVID, I was only able to go by myself. And I think it was the hardest experience of my life because I laid on the bed and they have to do the ultrasound. And she said, do you want to look? And I'm like, of course, like I want, I want to see and I want to hear the heartbeat. And so I asked

for pictures and I said it was one of the most challenging things I have ever been through in my life because there's so much emotions behind it that like, people don't understand. And like, I had to walk in there crying while there were protesters outside saying I was going to hell. Yeah. And it was just ridiculous. And so I then struggled with that for six months. I would cry. I would pray to that child saying like, please, like, when I get to heaven, can I hold you? Like, will you forgive me? Like I was holding on to so much guilt. And so I was like, I can't imagine how many other women are feeling that. And I was just like, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. 100%. I'm talking about. Do you feel that way? Yeah, it's just

something that I struggled with too. Like, I think there's a lot of people who think that you just get an abortion and think that it's a decision that doesn't have a lot of thought, a lot of feeling, you just do it. You know what I mean? And there's nothing behind it. But there's, you don't know what, like, it's the right decision, but you don't know. Thank you. And I decided to keep creed. You know, and I'm thankful I did. And when I went in there, I didn't know if it was the right decision. So I said, I need to see it in order to make the decision. Had I not seen the screen and the ultrasound, I don't know that I wouldn't have gone. Like, I don't know if I would have gone through with it. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And then I started to ask questions. And then I was like, okay, this is not like, I can do this. Like I've been a single mom for how long, like I got this, I can do it. But you know, when I was 16, and I had one, I didn't have a choice. You know what I mean? Like I had nothing. And so I never, I should have never had myself in that position to begin with. But it's there's just so many feelings involved. And I feel like moms don't ever like really heal from you heal, but it's always in the back of your mind kind of thing. Absolutely. And it's a grieving process, right? It's a grieving, right? And it's shame. And then on top of that, you don't talk about it, you don't talk about it. So you just suffer in silence, you suffer in

silence. And I've had so many people reach out to me to saying that they didn't even feel comfortable talking to their therapist about it, because people have such strong opinions about it. Yeah. And I'm like, how sad that that has to weigh so heavy on your heart. You know, I carried mine for six months, you know, the guilt. And obviously, I'm still healing from it. But like women, that guy had women message me saying it's been 18 years and I still can't stop thinking about it. Right. And I'm like, so I don't know, I'm also like in the middle of trying to create like a abortion support group. That's free to women and stuff like that. So I'm excited to see where that goes. And to what Kale was saying about creed, I remember that whole process,

like it was yesterday. Yeah. And Kale's emotions not only changed daily, but like I feel like hourly. Yeah. Yeah. And to watch someone, for me to watch her go through that and I love her was horrible. To be in a bad situation, to have other children, to not know what to do, to feel alone, to feel lost in her situation, to deal with hiding from the media. That was another huge part of it. For me, for me. So and then, yeah, and I knew like talking to my therapist, like it wasn't ideal to bring a fourth child into my situation. Like that definitely wasn't ideal. So then just knowing the what ifs on that, it's just like, it's, there's so much that goes into it. And I, it's so hard. So I can't imagine what you felt like, but I'm so glad that

you had the support that you needed. Cause I, I'm, which I did too. So I'm thankful for that. But it's just one of those things that you just never really get out of your mind. So And I mean, as she was going through that, I just remember trying to think about how to be the best Christian to, to guide her in that way, because it's not a decision that I know that I could make, however, um, to love her for wherever she was. Right. You know, and I think that's where a lot of people fail. And I'm sure a lot of girls go through the struggle of that with their families, you know, feeling like, Oh, well, if I make this decision, my family's not going to love me. And I think that is so wrong. Yeah. I'm so glad that you had that support.

So then you, you also talk about addiction though, too, which I think I can also relate to because of my mom, but, um, have you had, um, a lot of support from people for, for that as well? So, uh, addiction, what a crazy disease. I think the greatest quote I've ever heard about it is then the saddest quote is, um, my family suffered from the disease of addiction and they never even touched it, meaning like somebody else had it and it just ruined their family because it's affecting not only the person, but the whole family. Right. Um, secondary. Yeah. Yeah. And so when I was 15, I experienced a sexual trauma and, um, now as a therapist, I understand like why I was doing the things I was doing. Um, and I started a full blown addiction probably around

17, 18 years old. And, um, I got help for it when I was 20 because I got a DUI and my like BAC was like 0.34. Like I, and that's how I drink like every day is 0.34 really high. Like you should be dead at 0.4. Yeah. So yeah. And at the time I was also abusing Xanax, which like when I met with like a psychiatrist after rehab, she's like, it's a miracle. You are not dead. And, um, are you not supposed to mix the two? They are. Yeah. It is. It can cause just respiratory got it. Fail cardiac arrest or whatever. And so I was like, Oh, cool. Someone's on my side, you know. And, um, so I utilize that. And so I was sober for four straight years. And then I had my daughter and I was like, damn, maybe I just went through like a really hard time. Now I processed

everything. Like maybe I can just have a few drinks here and there. So I started smart recovery. And so out of thing because you put it in air quotes. So is that like a, yeah, it, it, it can be for some people. Anyone listening, I do not recommend it. Okay. But for some people that does work. And, um, so for a year, it started off like having a glass of wine because it's the culture too of like moms, like just relaxing with wine and drinking and all of that. And, um, yeah, for people who can handle it, that's great. I'm, I'm jealous. Um, but I couldn't. And so after a year, it started getting really bad again. And I had my daughter and there was one night that I actually haven't spoken about this ever. Oh my God, am I going to cry again? No, no, no, no, no, no,

no. So it was like my first week after seeing, um, a bunch of clients, you know, after once I first got my job. And there was a lot of trauma that I didn't realize triggered inside of me. And so I went out drinking that night and just got blasted. And Willow is my safe zone. Like she is my safe place. Willow is my daughter, by the way. Um, and so I was like, I just want to go to her. I just want to go to her. And she was at her father's house, um, because he had her that weekend. And so I showed up at like one a.m. Like, what the fuck was I going to do? Yeah, but I still did. And I was like banging on the door and my ex-husband let me in. And he's always helped me kind of like through, he knows I've suffered from addiction for, I've known him since high school. So he's

seen it all. And, um, I guess there, there was a point where he tried to tell me to be quiet, which I can be very erratic when I get drunk as most addicts and alcoholics do. And so it literally put me in a state of psychosis where I thought I was being triggered back to an event where I was being attacked. And I started pushing him and screaming him. I didn't know who he was. And I ran to the neighbors and I was like, I am going to get murdered. And like nothing to do with like what he was doing. Like it was literally just me in a full blonde state of psychosis. Yeah, because of, and I was using Xanax at the time too. And so the police came and um, they, so anyways, everything was calmed down. My best friend came and picked me up, took me home. My family was like

very, very disappointed. And um, there was so much shame, so much shame because I just wanted to be with Willow, but like obviously I'm so grateful she never woke up. She never woke up and I'm, I never want her to see me drunk in her life. Um, so anyway, so then the next day, I got a call from DCFS. Shit. And they told me that I was a threat to my daughter, like a physical threat. So did the police call? The police call. Okay. So it wasn't your ex husband? No. Okay. Wow. Okay. No, he actually fought for me to not be called on. He's like, cause she is the greatest mother. He's like, she, like she is sober. Like she gets, you know, but like this is just a bad moment. You know, so he was like advocating on my behalf, but as mandatory reporters, you know,

you have to do that. And so like that was the moment that woke me up of like, holy shit, like I need to get sober again. Like what am I doing? Right. And um, so it was like almost losing custody of my child when I literally like am very confident that I am such an incredible mom. Like I, I am such an incredible mom. That's one of the areas I am most confident in. Um, our bond is like nothing else. And so the fact like that got me to that point, I was like, no, no. So I started getting like Vivitrol shots. I went to a treatment center. So it's a shot that goes in your ass. And it's lovely. It's lovely. Is it not like, um, suboxone for addiction or is like a form of that? It's like for the alcohol, opioid. Yeah, I don't know, but it gets, it goes in your butt.

And if you did drink or use opioids, it would block all the effects that you would get. And it also like reduces cravings and all of that. So, um, it's been a life saver. So do you still do this? That was to ask the same thing. Yeah. So I was on it for, um, a few months. And then now I just use naltrexone, the pills. So if I feel like I'm craving, I can use the pills. And it's, I've never heard of this. This is, I'm, this is all new to me. I've heard of suboxone for addiction. Um, and then I've heard, I've also heard like the adverse adverse effects that you can become like addicted to it. My mom is an addict and an alcoholic. And I've never, like when she went to rehab, um, I don't remember them ever off. I mean, I don't know because I wasn't a part of the conversations, but

that was never a conversation that we had or that I've heard her having that that was an option for her. So you, can you ask for that? So I think like, well, yeah, cause it's like medication management or is it like an offer to, you can opt out of it. Yeah. 100%. Why would someone want to opt out of it? Because they don't want, they're not ready to be not ready or they just don't want the medications even though they're like shooting up heroin and right, right, right. But fuck suboxone. Um, but no, I mean, it's, it's personal preference. I guess some people are like, no, I want to do it on my own willpower. Um, some people don't want the medications. Some people are like, no, I need it. So I guess it's just personal, personal. So did you have to go to an in treatment facility or

you did all out treat out? So the original time I got sober, I was in rehab, which was like the greatest experience of my life. Really? It's actually where I found God. Um, I, yeah, I was super like agnostic, borderline atheist. And I was like, fuck this, like I'm like, why have some of the things happened to me happened to me. And I was like, you said you're supposed to protect me. Where, where, where is that? And so I holds, I held so much resentment. And then when I entered rehab, I made the greatest group of friends with people that were abusing meth, heroin, cocaine, all of these things. And it was that power of community where like, these were the most beautiful people I have ever met in my life. They just suffered from addiction, you know, and trying

to fill that void of pain. And we would talk about like, you know, God a lot. And I remember this woman, she came and spoke and she's like, one day I just hit my knees and I prayed and I was like, help me. I was like, yeah, fuck that. I was like, I ain't gonna do that. And like, you know, like usually when I pray, I'm like swearing at him, you know. And I always said we had a bad relationship. And so that there was one night where I was like, just crying in rehab. And I was just like, I can't do this. I can't do this because I was withdrawing everything. And I was like, all right, just hit your knees on the bed, pray, you know. And so I did. And I was like, whoever you are, please like, show me something. I don't. And that was like, that was it. I was like, okay, good night.

That would be Kail praying because she said before she doesn't know how to pray. Like, I think that's a confusing part for people who aren't believers, like how to get to that point. Like if you talk to it in your head, is that praying? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think there's any right way to pray. And that's what like, at least that's my belief. I pray to a friend. That's what I that's what I do now. Yeah. And that's, you know, God for me. But that night I had this dream and it I've had it three times since. And it was like, I was there was like this beautiful creek and these like woods and I was standing there and a monarch butterfly like passed me and I remember turning around and like trying to follow it. That next morning we went out for a cigarette break

because like every addict will then turn to nicotine and and coffee. And we were outside for a cigarette break and a monarch butterfly literally flew past my head and I was like, that was weird. And I instantly thought of the dream and the prayer. Okay. Fast forward when I got out of rehab, I was sitting in a car with my mom. She was taking me because I lost my driver's license for four years. And yeah. So even when I had, I couldn't drive about you talking about losing your license and my God, it was horrible. And so then I was sitting in the car with my mom getting like my blood work drawn or whatever. And I was telling my mom about that and we were sitting in traffic and I shit you not for monarch butterflies came and like

surrounded the car. Is that why you have a butterfly tattoo or no? So I got this like tech, this butterfly tattoo and like now I'm not sure if it's a butterfly or not. Got it. Okay. Got it. Yeah. We're just gonna go with the butterfly. Right. Yeah. So yeah. And that's that's what started it all. You said I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure it's a butterfly. Do you think so? Yeah. The colors, I don't know. I mean, I'm unsure, but I love the story behind it. Maybe it's a hybrid. It's fine. Yeah. I like the story behind it too. Yeah. Okay. We'll go with that. We're going with it. We're going with it. I love that. So your family was supportive through everything like through all of the phases and getting through phases of life, not phases of

what you're going through, just phases of life. Surprisingly. Yes. Good. Surprisingly. Yes. Because I mean, they wanted to murder me probably every time. Yeah. Because I'm adopted too and like I had never seen it. Oh, wow. Have you talked about that? I didn't know that. A little bit. A little bit. Yeah. It's a crazy fucking story. Are you gonna tell that story or no? I can. I think you should. Yeah. I think there's a lot of topics here that our listeners can relate to. Yeah. Adoption, addiction, abortion, abortion, divorce, all of it. Yeah. Okay. So you're, let's, let's rewind. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So one, yeah, my parents wanted to like murder me. Very fair. Very fair. But I had never seen addiction in my family. And so like it was like, we had a

very nice like white picket fence family. Like, you know, my brother's adopted too. And it was like, we were very privileged growing up and whatnot. And so it was like, it's so funny how genetics come into play. And so when I was 16, I was like, I need to know. Like you knew growing up that you were adopted. Yeah. I was always told and I was always like proud of it. And I always remember like wanting to meet my birth mom because my biological father was dead. I eventually found out he was a co crack alcoholic addict. And he died. He was in jail, which is funny because I've been in jail. So it's just like funny how that works. I was going to actually ask if you knew who your parents were and if addiction ran on your family. Yeah. So only I only know that on my

biological father's side. But so I only had my biological mother to kind of look towards. And so I created her, I put her on a pedestal. I was like, she's going to be amazing. I understand. I did it to my dad too. I did it to like, I was like, he just hasn't come around because he's saving his money. He's going to have a nice house and he's going to help me get out of this shitty life with my mom. Like, I know that when he comes or when I find him, it's going to be this like great experience. And my mom even told me like, do not, I think it was like 16 and pregnant or it must have been 16 and pregnant. She was like, don't expect anything. Do not expect anything. But I put him on this pedestal and I had this like fantasy in my head. Right. But I think a lot of

people who go through or who are adopted, it's like a natural instinct to want to find where you came from, I guess. I agree. And like you're saying to put the person on a pedestal, like this person is going to be great and they're going to be everything I was looking for. Resentment for your mom putting you up for adoption. You know, you did the opposite. I did the opposite. Okay. So we tried to have a relationship at 16. Didn't work. How did you find her? She found me on Facebook. So she was looking for you. It wasn't, yeah, it was unhealthy. And she kind of got to a point where she was like, I'm your mom, all of this. And I was like, you know what? That makes me really uncomfortable because my parents who wiped my ass and took me

to the hospital are my parents. And I was like, so I would love to get to know you, but you're not my mom. And so she had a hard time taking that. So flash forward to when I had Willow, I was like, okay, I'm an adult. I was married at the time. I was like, I want to get to know you woman to woman. So I reached back out to her and she was like, yes, I'm so sorry. I should have respected you, all of that. And I was like, yes, like, okay, cool. We're on this track again. And so she lives in Iowa. So she was only a few hours away from me. So last, no, two summers ago, we met for the first time. And did your parents know that you were doing this? Yes, they were always supportive. You do what you want to do. You do what you want to do. And

they were like, if you need to talk, we're here. They never swayed me anywhere or not, which I'm so grateful. And did you know the backstory about why you were put up for adoption or how that whole thing came about or no? Okay, you don't want to talk about that? No, yeah, it's it. So there's two stories. I have lots of questions. Yes. So okay, so first, I'll get back to that when I so when I met her, it was, it sounds so weird. It was like love at first sight. Like I fell in love with her and she was just like me. She laid in bed with me and like was a biological connection. We just clicked. Yeah. And she would like rub my hair and I would just cry. And she'd be like, I'm so sorry. Like it was just she it was she became my best friend

for six months. For six months. And then yes. And then she was also helping me get out of my divorce. She was like my hype woman. And I was like, yes, like, I love this woman. I fell in love with her. I fell in love with her. And I had never had my heart broken before, except in like high school, my first love. And she she was the second person that ever broke my heart because she started getting to a point of like she wanted me to call her mom again. And because I posted a picture with my mom and willow and I was like three generations of love or whatever it was. And she was like, how dare you like they don't know it. And like, I confided in her about everything. Like I because I just immediately trusted her, which like mistake number one,

I didn't know this woman. And so later on, she wrote my parents a letter and saying your daughter is like the devil. She's sick. You need to put her in Jesus camp. You need to horrible, horrible things about me. And she's like, you should see what they said about you. She said about you and trying to like turn my family against me. And she's like, she's sick, all that stuff. I'm like, what? And like on a on a top of adoption, you feel rejected, right? And then you fell in love with somebody and then they're like, Oh, no, thank you. Like just kidding, you're a piece of shit. And I was like, fuck. And and then she messaged my ex husband and was like, I'm like, so sorry, you had her as a wife. Yeah. So there's no rhyme or reason why she did these things.

Because I said that my mom was my mom. Again, it sounds almost like she also probably fell in love with you and then like couldn't handle the emotions of like having that connection with you after so long. Does that make sense? Did she ever tell you why? Like what was the story of were you adopted as a baby, like an infant? Yeah, so at four days old. So my birthday, I just had it. We're happy belated. Thank you. But I celebrate on the 14th because it's like the day I left your arms. So I now celebrate on the 14th and my parents are like, yes, let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah, it's really, really sweet because I just cry on the 11th. But what do you want to say? The story about your Oh, yeah. So did she know she was going to put you

up for adoption? Because I feel like four days is like you get attached to your baby at that point. Sure. Yeah. I've heard mixed stories about this one from her one from my parents, things that there's always like three stories and then like the truth is somewhere in between the three. Right. Absolutely. And so I guess she told my biological father. She was pregnant. She was 22 at the time, which is funny because I have a biological sister. She had me at 20. My mom, my biological mom had me at 23. I had will at 23 and my biological sister had her child at 23. Did she biological sister or she did? She did. She did. And that was wait, let her tell the story. I know what was the sister before you were after you after

okay. And we actually have a good relationship. So anyways, so she apparently told my biological father. She was pregnant and didn't want to be with him because he was on drugs and all that stuff. And then he like, there was this episode where he had a gun and he was like putting it to his dad's head. And it was like, I want that. I don't know. It's fucking crazy shit. Yeah. And so then three months later, she went and got with this guy. And he was like, well, I'll be with you as long as you get rid of that child. And one, I don't know how any man would ever be able to tell somebody that. So I don't understand that part. But okay, go and pass it. And she told me that she was just hoping that he would fall in love and want to be the father figure and all

of that, which he didn't. And so she gave me up and one, there's just like so much that like happened at the hospital. She told me she gave me my name, which was like Karina Gabrielle. And she didn't. It was my parents that gave me the name. She originally named me Sarah. She told me that my mom was cold in the hospital room and like wouldn't like look at her and just took me. And I talked to my mom and she's like, she like wasn't even crying. Like there was so much confusion. And so I don't know. And that's so unfair. You know, how did they find your parents? Like, was there like an agency or she told the hospital? It was there and it was there an agency. So they picked, she picked them. Okay. Yeah. So so at what point did she decide that she was going to give

you up for adoption then? And while she was in the hospital or no, she before that four months. Okay. I just to me that sounds so unhealthy and so unfair for you to be put in that situation for there to be so many stories going around versus just like what happened. And I guess we've had Tyler and Caitlin on from Teen Mom OG. And I when I hear stories like that, I think of their story and I'm like, wow, Tyler and Caitlin's story sounds so healthy. Yes. You know, right? Because they made the decision from the beginning together. And then, you know, picked a family and you know, moved forward or whatever. But it always seems like they have an improper perspective. Like those are her parents and biologically right. And then

right. And then they still have like, you know, they get pictures or whatever. Was that the case for you? Like was there an open adoption or was it more of a closed situation? It was a closed, but they kept in contact. My parents would send pictures like every few years and letters. And then I eventually got them when I was like 18. But yeah, just a lot of manipulation, a lot of like and I try to have compassion towards her even though so much resentment and so much pain from it. But she came from a very toxic background. She went through a lot and I think she just has the mentality of someone who's 15, never grew up and doesn't really know how to handle her emotions. And unfortunately that like bled onto me. So. So then was she with this guy when your sister,

your biological sister was born? That's what I was going to ask. No, but yeah. Yeah. So that's her father, but yeah. How interesting. Does that make you feel weird that she kept her but not you? Yeah, it's always her. Yeah, it's always her. I mean, I wouldn't I wouldn't take it back at all because I think if I was born in that situation, I would have never gone to college and here I am getting my doctorate and I I'm so grateful for for where I am. But yeah, it still stings. Like why couldn't I be good enough? And like, so now I finally realized like I got to the point where I'm like, holy abandonment issues, right? Because I like to sabotage like everything. And I'm like, I'm no longer doing that one because I don't want to repeat that cycle for my daughter.

I don't want her to watch it. And I was like, so I'm going to change it. And so like I've been seeing a therapist and she's incredible and we're working on like self compassion, love and stuff. And even though I thought I had a lot of it, I was like, oh, shit, there's a lot I still need to work on. Your parents have been super supportive through all of it. Yes, I love that. Yeah. I just feel so bad whenever I hear I had a friend that was a really good friend of mine in high school that she was adopted. And again, she grew up very privileged as well and didn't know who her parents were. But like in high school, we would talk about when she turned 18, that she was going to find her parents and like we would talk about it in school. Like I remember

sitting in art and her being like, it's so close to me being 18, like I can't wait to find them. And she would talk about how like her, her mom who raised her would just cry because she knew it was coming and she couldn't handle like feeling like she was going to lose her. And I don't think that children who are adopted in situations like you where you wanted to find your dad, I think it's just a curiosity more than anything. Yeah, it's not like you're trying to abandon your parents who raised you or it's a disrespect thing. It's literally like a natural instinct, I think, to want to find where you came from. For sure. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, totally. I don't think that I ever like was like, fuck my mom. Like I don't think it was like that. It was more just

like, you know, my mom has a lot of issues like let me go like I'll leave and go be with someone who can actually handle, you know, their life on top of, you know, mine on top of their own life. But clearly, he left for a reason. He couldn't either. So yeah, totally think that that's just like a natural one in your situation. Do you know why your parents like didn't work out to he leave like very soon? Were you an infant? Were you I actually the stories that I was that I were was told were pretty similar. Like I got a pretty an almost identical story from both sides. So my mom was granted temporary custody of me as long as she completed a 30 day rehab program, which she supposedly she did. And I think my dad did try to come see me at some point,

but then he just fell off the face of the earth. I think because my mom made it pretty difficult. And now as a mom and going through a similar situation with like one of my kids dads, I think I understand why she made that decision because it was like so inconsistent. And you're not really bringing anything to the table. So like I'd rather just take that away. Right. But my dad, he did kidnap me and brought me to Texas and tried to raise me there. And both sides told me that so it's not that he didn't want me. It was just like he didn't have it would have been his sister raising me. And I don't I don't know was just like, I don't think my mom or my father really knew what they were getting themselves into when they were having me. And then I ended up

just bouncing around. Was your dad also did he also struggle with addiction? Or no, he didn't struggle with addiction. But I think he struggled with keeping a job and maintaining just like any type of consistency in his life. And I think he still has that issue. Okay. So it was more, like just I want to call him lazy, because I don't really know him. But that's like more or less the story that I got. And it's so interesting to hear. I mean, you weren't adopted, but you had an absent parent to hear your story and how you were so disappointed immediately whenever you met your dad, but to hear you Corey talk about how you are in love and immediately. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if it could be like a mom, dad thing? Maybe. I don't know.

Yeah. I don't know. Did you ever see like pictures of your mom and stuff before or your biological mom? I did. Yes, I did. And there were a lot of similarities. So it was like, as like somebody who's never had like biological, like, you know, parents and family members, like, it was really cool to see like, somebody look like you. And then like, when I had Willow, I think that was one of the most healing things for me from being an adopted child, because I was like, I have my own. Yeah. I have not like that discredits like my family, like of course, but I have my own blood. Yeah. You know, and there was, there was just something so healing about that. And I was like, girl, we got this. We're doing the thing. Yeah. How, what does your relationship look like with

your biological sister now? Like, do you guys communicate? Do you consider her your sister? Like, what does that look like? So we talk weekly about weekly, maybe every other few weeks. We're not like super close where we tell each other everything. But like, if there's something that's going on, like, we know that we're both there for each other. What's the age difference? She's four years younger than me. So same. Very same. But I felt like, since I met my sister, it has always been like, forced on both ends. Like we tried to really force a relationship. And so it never really worked out and us both being, I mean, I think I was, it's because you want, you want something so bad, like it's like you crave that biological connection.

Literally wanted, I wanted a sibling my whole life. Right. And I knew I had a sister I knew. And then my one of my mom's boyfriends or ex husband confirmed it in an argument when I was like 12. And I was just so resentful. So moving forward, I really, I looked for her like I wanted her. I didn't at that point really care as much about finding my dad. I wanted to find my sister. And then I want to say we were like 14 and 18, I'm four years older than her, or somewhere around there. I know I definitely already had Isaac. And then now we just, we just own each other and don't communicate. And that's even worse. And was that the same situation with her? Were you also looking to see like if she shared similarities with you, like abandonment? And did you want to

know? I was curious about her story. And they're pretty, our stories are pretty similar, just like our moms coming from like a more wealthy background and just like a real family dynamic situation, whatever you want to call it. However, her mom was very present in her life and like really raised her where like my mom, it wasn't, it was also toxic, you know, sure. And I think the situation might have been different. Had you guys been raised together or in a similar area and you saw each other when you were younger and kind of like, not grew up in the same house, but like grew up with each other? Because like your kids, I see them and I'm like, I don't, like they know that they don't have the same dads, but like, they're so brothers. They're half brothers. They're

brothers. Yeah. And so it's just interesting to me how. Do you live near your biological sister and her daughter? Does she have a daughter? No, she has two sons. No, she lives in Arizona. I'm in Chicago. So yeah. And we met once. What about your biological mom? She lives in Iowa a few hours away. Oh, that's right. You said that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And what about your parents? My parents, I live five minutes away from them. Okay. That's amazing. I just got my first apartment with my daughter. That's exciting. Yeah. So it's super cool. I like promised her from the day she was born. I was like, I promise like we're going to get a place and here we are like four years later. So I'm super proud of that. Even though it's been like a huge struggle, but

yeah, I moved closer to my parents because like I was going through my master's program. And so they were like watching my daughter a lot. I was home with her. And then likely I'm going to have to have them watch there while I do my ID. That's so awesome. So yeah. And yeah, it's, it's blessed. It's blessed. It's like our final like freedom, like safe place. Yeah. I, yeah, I could have lived in a box with her and been happy. How do they feel about all your tick talking and all of that? Like, how do they, what do they say? Yeah. Sorry, I wanted to ask that too. Because they're listening to this. So at first, they were like, what the fuck are you doing? Yes. Yeah. And then there was like some, they were

scared. Yes. Yeah. Because like, you can expose family secrets. Right. Right. Yeah. And I would always like make, so like, I would take general stories that I would hear and like, even if they were like families, because everyone talks about families and I would make it and they're like, is that about us? And I'm like, no, like I swear. And like, so it would be, yeah, a little bit weird. Yes. And then so I was like, okay, we're just taking that off. They felt exposed. Yeah. Yeah. But it wasn't like about them. Right. So, and then I had to like clarify and stuff, but um, no. And now she's like, so what are you trying to do from this? Like now they're like super proud, especially they were like coming here. They're like, she's like, you need to be glam. I

was like, what? Like what? As I just wore sweatpants for the last three days. It's fine. And so they're super supportive. Now they're like, what do you want from this? Like you're a therapist, you're going for your doctorate. And I was like, I don't know. Like I don't know where this is going to come from, because it just fell into my lap, like the tic-tac and everything. Right. And I was like, would I love it to become something? Yeah. And that's like also like, as I was telling you earlier, like I'm writing a book girl, I got some crazy fucking stories, especially during my addiction year is like, wow. Yeah. Like it's funny because we talked about it last night, like how our generation won't ever judge the next generation for any type of social media job or, um, you know,

something that comes from social media because it's so like relevant to us, but the older generation like above us or, you know, once before that is like, what do you do? Like that's not a real job, but it is. And there's so much that can come from it. You get paid real money. Right. Right. So crazy. Yeah. And like, like one of the biggest things that like my parents have a hard time understanding, because it's an older generation, they're like, why do you talk about those things? Right. And I was like, if you saw my inbox, you'd understand why, you know, and then just like, you know, obviously having a persona, but like, sorry mom for this one. Um, but like, I woke up at like one time, like just talking about how scary addiction can be. I once woke up in a crack

house at the end of the red line in Chicago, which is a place you don't really want to be. It's a dangerous neighborhood. And, um, I woke up as if nothing happened. I left the house, I took the L back and I went home and I started drinking. Like, yeah, like nothing happened. And I was like, yeah. And that like, that was not surprising to me. I was like, should this like be the thing that wakes me up? And I'm like, no, no, we'll keep going. We'll keep going. That's so wild. We were also talking about last night that people who aren't in entertainment or in a social media business that they don't understand or respect it, like what goes on behind it. It seems like your family's super supportive and it's more of like a not understanding

because of a generational barrier there a little bit, but I've definitely experienced disrespect when it comes to like, Oh, well, so how do you make money? I hate when people ask me what I do for a living, even on like forms and stuff. And it's like marketing and I'm like marketing. I literally asked Kristin, I'm like, what do I put? She's like self employed. And I'm like, when they ask me what I, what I do, like, it's like, uh, I tick talk. I podcast. Yeah. Yeah, it's really that. But yeah, no, I love that they're like more, they're asking questions rather than like, Oh, what are you doing? I had no idea. Like once it like, how much it takes, like it is a full time job. Like, and I don't even like ring light shit. Like I go in my bathroom. Oh,

I love it. It's so authentic. And like me, like when I see your videos, I'm like, that's me. Like, I love it. And see me, I would have to have five ring lights and I would be like doing some crazy stuff and like 25 takes and both of you are like, Oh, I'm going to post this on the first take. Oh, yeah, I don't give a shit. We're posting the bloopers to post all the bloopers first. So you really know how much effort I put into this. Maybe I really need to go to therapy to discuss like why. No, you're fine. Yeah, you are. I need to go to therapy. I said something in her, I want to say it was David Letterman interview. And it was like how hard it is to be liked for your like an act acting is hard acting is it's a job. It's a full time thing. But like, imagine

like putting your real life out there and then being liked like that's harder than pretending to be something else. Yes. And that was something that I really found interesting because it's so true. Well, and then putting your whole life out there and hope that you get the, well, because it's not a role. It's not a role. It's your real life. And so I think that is the difference. You know, it's like you, you can hate a character in a movie because of the character, the character, you know, but it's not the person, right? But it's this is like real life, like you're sharing your real life stuff and real life on teen mom, like it's not and tick tock and all the things. Oh my gosh. Well, okay, so tell us where we can find you and what's next and what's next and all the

things. So yes, follow me on tick tock. Corey at CRI X Gabrielle. What I what's next is one continuing growing, I guess. But I am dying to get my book published. I started writing it. It's like a memoir. It's like a thing of short stories of all the fucking craziness. And ideally, and I've tried to getting some like contacts and networking for this. But like, if it were to become like a docu series, or even just like a Netflix show, like based off of it, I swear to God, people would be like, this is it. This is it. I am confident that like it would be like in those like top I love that you're able to just add a little bit of humor to it. Because I feel like that's the way you have to you have to laugh at yourself, you know, it gets to a point where it's like,

okay, this is so messed up. But I'm going to go ahead and giggle because if I don't, I'm going to fall apart. And also, so is everyone else. Right, for sure. I love that. I hope you get that. I am the next thing for you. So, so ready for it. But yeah, that's and then just working on my schooling. That's awesome. Yeah, I love it. I love it. Okay, well, as promised, Kill needs to clear her throat. Nope. Go ahead. I'm a genie in a bottle, baby. Thank you, Corey. Thank you. Somebody had my backup vocals. I love it. I love it. That's all she's going to give you guys. If you have not followed us on

at coffee combos podcast on Instagram, make sure you follow us over there. And if you have not subscribed to our show, make sure you do that by searching the purple podcast app on your iPhone or tablet, type in coffee combos, click subscribe, click the fifth star and leave us a written review or you can find us on Spotify or any other podcast app. We hope you guys have a great week and we'll talk to you soon. See ya. Thank you.